Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival => Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board => Topic started by: Certain Hope on June 17, 2008, 10:04:29 PM
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I think that I've exhausted the bad news... and if not, then I shoulda, by now... so moving right along...
Surviving the .... (you fill in the blank)
http://www.lovefraud.com/blog/2008/06/05/its-not-weakness-but-lack-of-clarity-that-exposes-us-to-an-exploiter/ (http://www.lovefraud.com/blog/2008/06/05/its-not-weakness-but-lack-of-clarity-that-exposes-us-to-an-exploiter/)
It’s not weakness, but lack of clarity, that exposes us to an exploiter
by Steve Becker, LCSW
You really need to admire yourself for surviving an exploitative relationship. I say this very seriously, not flippantly. We all, of course, hope to minimize our involvement with exploitative individuals. But in the course of life, as we know, that’s not always possible. It is vital, therefore, if you’ve been victimized by and/or are recovering from involvement with an exploiter, to fully, genuinely appreciate (and remind yourself constantly) that you are indeed strong, impressively strong, because only the strong survive exploitation.
Many clients with whom I work (really, most people, I think) tend to see personal strength and insecurity; personal strength and low self-esteem, as incompatible. They balk at the idea that you can be a very strong person and insecure at the same time; that you can be a very strong person even with low self-esteem. For instance, when someone violates you (especially chronically) and you don’t defend yourself properly, the tendency is to attribute your failure at self-protection to “personal weakness.” The thought is something like, “If I was a strong person, I wouldn’t have let that abuse occur. I’d have asserted myself, defended myself, drawn the line.”
But it’s not personal weakness that explains the failure to protect your boundaries; it’s more often a lack of clarity, in knowing precisely what your boundaries are, and precisely what constitutes an unacceptable violation of them. Victims of sustained exploitation/abuse aren’t personally weak, quite the contrary. My experience has affirmed again and again how remarkably strong and resourceful most of them are. What they lack, however, often is a clear, secure sense of their boundaries; this insecurity of boundaries leaves them vulnerable to compromising themselves. After all, you can’t assert and/or protect your boundaries unless and until you’ve established them very clearly and securely (in your mind).
This explains what for many can seem so confusing and dichotomous: how a victim of sustained exploitation/abuse can, on the one hand, lobby so effectively for others’ interests, while, with respect to her/his own, appear stuck in circumstances he or she would counsel anyone else to reject and escape.
But I restate: You can’t protect your interests if they aren’t, in the first place, clearly defined. And you can’t defend your boundaries if, on any level, you’re uncertain, or ambivalent about, what they are. This disadvantaged position helps explain how an otherwise strong, resourceful adult can find her/himself tolerating and enduring the meanness and nonsense of a defective partner.
When my clients who have been in exploitative relationships discover confidently their boundaries, they often feel sad, on one hand, not to have done so sooner; but thrilled on the other to find themselves, as if miraculously, just as skilled at protecting their own interests as they’ve always been at protecting others’.
It’s a kind of bittersweet discovery. The bitter part, if grieved properly, is usually short-lived; the sweet aspect is long-lasting.
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Carolyn.....
you have been posting straight to my heart for a bit now.
Thank you for this post.
It really helps me.... and I think you know that.
Thank you.
Light
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yw Lighter... I was thinking of you... and Lise and Deb, too... and even me, cuz it's time.
Love,
Carolyn
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I wish I had access to a printer now.... I'd print this and read it alll the time.
Until I could feel it in my chest. ::nod::
Lighter
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Dear Lighter,
Here's a bit from the keyboard of someone who's now 5 years out from the grip of a sociopath.
Thought it might encourage you and offer another perspective.
I'm going on 5 years away from my ex... and almost 4 years remarried to a "normal" man.
(Not sure I'll ever be able to write normal without the quotes... lol)
Everyone's different, of course. My alcohol use complicated my situation, as did my past history of codependent relationships and a voiceless childhood.
Can't say I'm roaring yet, but the mouse who was has morphed.
You'll get there.
***********************************
It has been five years since the sociopath was arrested and I was set free. Five years of growth, of change, of healing.
Five years of pain and sorrow leading the way to laughter and joy, abundance and gratitude.
Five years after the ending of that debacle, I am grateful that I no longer have to think about him, or worry about him, or do things because of him, or even for him.
Five years of growing into doing for me. Living for me. Turning up for me without fear.
What a difference time makes.
As I look back to those days when my life was narrowly defined by what he wanted, he said, he needed, he dictated, I am in awe of how far I’ve come, by how much has changed.
I am in awe.
Of who I have become, who I am, how I’ve changed.
In these five years I have found my voice and claimed my right to use it proudly. Sure, I had a voice before the sociopath rode in. And, I had a voice while with him. Even before him however, I never truly knew how to use my voice. I never truly knew the unique qualities of my voice.
When I met him, he told me how sweet my voice sounded. I believed him and asked him to tell me more. And he did. Beautiful, round, plump words of affirmation that seduced me with the sound of his voice echoing my words. And then, time moved on and his words became bitter and harsh. The sound of my voice irritated him and frightened me. I grew silent. Afraid. Lost. In my silence, I lost my ability to speak up, to voice my feelings, my thoughts, my ideas. I lost my ability to recognize my very own unique voice.
Five years since the moment of his arrest, I have found my voice again.
Hear me roar.
My voice is no longer a dulcet tone sweetly singing a serenade befitting his promises of love everlasting. Of gentle words calling out for his love undying, his love forever more. My voice is no longer a plaintive ode running away from the truth of his deceit and my betrayal ringing loud and clear through every note.
Today, my voice is a mighty roar. It is power. It is strength. It is courage. It is my truth spoken in love because I have the courage to stand up for me and speak without fear of ever being judged unlovable, unwanted, unworthy.
I am worthy.
Today, my voice is a song of freedom. Pure. Clear. Powerful. My voice carries. It carries me through tough times, hard times, over rocky ground and inclement weather.
My voice is strong. My voice is the sound of me standing up for what I believe in, what I desire, what I deserve. My voice is speaking up for me and speaking out against that which I cannot stand up for without fearing ridicule or dissension. With my voice I know, disagreement does not equal rejection. With my truth spoken clearly, I no longer reject my voice or allow it to be turned off by someone else’s assertions that they hold the only truth I need to hear.
My voice is fearless. My voice is caring. My voice is loving. My voice is unique.
Long ago I lost my voice beneath the sadness of loving a man whom I did not deserve. Long ago, I buried my voice beneath the sorrow of loving a man who was untrue.
No more.
Today, I claim my right to speak up. To be heard. To be counted on and counted in. Today, I let go of searching for meaning in someone else’s words because I know my own truth. When I speak for who I am and what I believe in, I am free to live in love with all of me. Fearlessly. Effortlessly. With grace and ease.
Once upon a time, I lost my voice. Today, I speak up, passionately, courageously, fearlessly. In having moved away from those days of loathing the sound of my own voice, I know what was can never be because what was with him was only fantasy.
Today, I step fearlessly into the truth. My voice is unique. Hear me roar.
And in my voice, I invite you to claim your truth as well. Your voice is unique. Let it roar
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Dear Lighter,
Here's a bit from the keyboard of someone who's now 5 years out from the grip of a sociopath.
Thought it might encourage you and offer another perspective.
I'm going on 5 years away from my ex... and almost 4 years remarried to a "normal" man.
(Not sure I'll ever be able to write normal without the quotes... lol)
Everyone's different, of course. My alcohol use complicated my situation, as did my past history of codependent relationships and a voiceless childhood.
Can't say I'm roaring yet, but the mouse who was has morphed.
You'll get there.
***********************************
It has been five years since the sociopath was arrested and I was set free. Five years of growth, of change, of healing.
Five years of pain and sorrow leading the way to laughter and joy, abundance and gratitude.
Five years after the ending of that debacle, I am grateful that I no longer have to think about him, or worry about him, or do things because of him, or even for him.
Five years of growing into doing for me. Living for me. Turning up for me without fear.
What a difference time makes.
As I look back to those days when my life was narrowly defined by what he wanted, he said, he needed, he dictated, I am in awe of how far I've come, by how much has changed.
I am in awe.
Of who I have become, who I am, how I've changed.
In these five years I have found my voice and claimed my right to use it proudly. Sure, I had a voice before the sociopath rode in. And, I had a voice while with him. Even before him however, I never truly knew how to use my voice. I never truly knew the unique qualities of my voice.
When I met him, he told me how sweet my voice sounded. I believed him and asked him to tell me more. And he did. Beautiful, round, plump words of affirmation that seduced me with the sound of his voice echoing my words. And then, time moved on and his words became bitter and harsh. The sound of my voice irritated him and frightened me. I grew silent. Afraid. Lost. In my silence, I lost my ability to speak up, to voice my feelings, my thoughts, my ideas. I lost my ability to recognize my very own unique voice.
Five years since the moment of his arrest, I have found my voice again.
Hear me roar.
My voice is no longer a dulcet tone sweetly singing a serenade befitting his promises of love everlasting. Of gentle words calling out for his love undying, his love forever more. My voice is no longer a plaintive ode running away from the truth of his deceit and my betrayal ringing loud and clear through every note.
Today, my voice is a mighty roar. It is power. It is strength. It is courage. It is my truth spoken in love because I have the courage to stand up for me and speak without fear of ever being judged unlovable, unwanted, unworthy.
I am worthy.
Today, my voice is a song of freedom. Pure. Clear. Powerful. My voice carries. It carries me through tough times, hard times, over rocky ground and inclement weather.
My voice is strong. My voice is the sound of me standing up for what I believe in, what I desire, what I deserve. My voice is speaking up for me and speaking out against that which I cannot stand up for without fearing ridicule or dissension. With my voice I know, disagreement does not equal rejection. With my truth spoken clearly, I no longer reject my voice or allow it to be turned off by someone else’s assertions that they hold the only truth I need to hear.
My voice is fearless. My voice is caring. My voice is loving. My voice is unique.
Long ago I lost my voice beneath the sadness of loving a man whom I did not deserve. Long ago, I buried my voice beneath the sorrow of loving a man who was untrue.
No more.
Today, I claim my right to speak up. To be heard. To be counted on and counted in. Today, I let go of searching for meaning in someone else’s words because I know my own truth. When I speak for who I am and what I believe in, I am free to live in love with all of me. Fearlessly. Effortlessly. With grace and ease.
Once upon a time, I lost my voice. Today, I speak up, passionately, courageously, fearlessly. In having moved away from those days of loathing the sound of my own voice, I know what was can never be because what was with him was only fantasy.
Today, I step fearlessly into the truth. My voice is unique. Hear me roar.
And in my voice, I invite you to claim your truth as well. Your voice is unique. Let it roar
Dear Carolyn,
I know this last post was addressed to Lighter but I just have to say that I enjoyed reading your growth. For me you have the strength and roar of a lion, but you also have the gentleness of dove -- that is a rare and beautiful combination.
What I heard when I read this was that you have come through the fire and desert of life, and that it was in the fire and desert that you were able to learn to love yourself and respect yourself.
Also, that you learned that your voice was wonderful and OK without having to have anyone affirm you or your authentic self. You learned to nurture yourself because a sociopath raped your heart and sometimes all we can do is put ourselves in extended triage and be gentle to us when others are being harsh...little does the sociopath know that you unlearned many negatives because of all of his negatives...hope that makes sense?
Thank you for risking to share your heart with us.
Happy Wed!
Lise
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Dear Carolyn,
Your post brings certain hope!
((((Thankyou for sharing all that)))),
Sela
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(((((((((((Lise))))))))))) Thank you. I don't know what to say.
I hope you know how special you are to me and what a difference knowing you has made in my life.
You've inspired me... alot.
Happy Wednesday to you, too... and I just pray the very best days lie ahead, for you, always.
Bunches of love.
*************************************************************************************
And Sela... well, we have come a long way, eh?
Thank God!!
I'm so glad that you and I both survived the olden days and came together in smiles.
Big hugs to you!
Carolyn
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(((((((((Certain Hope))))))))))))
xxxxxooooo
Hops
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((((((((((((Hops)))))))))))) seeing with clarity and the practice of common sense are just about the best lessons of all that I've learned... and I'm pretty sure I got most of that from you.
Standing in healing, and looking forward with clarity is where I choose to be... and nobody can touch that :D
Love and oxoooxoxo,
Carolyn
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Hiya Carolyn,
I'm not sure I see anything with much clarity but I'm sure glad for you! I sometimes feel like the more I see, the less I see (I know, that's a contradiction.........but it's what it seems like to me).
It's like.the more I learn... the less I know.
I wish it worked.......
The more cheesecake and choclate I eat...the less I weigh! (then I'd be getting somewhere!!!) :D :D :D
Anyhow, Good for you Carolyn! and I'm also very glad that we tried again and succeeded in working out the conflict between us. I feel blessed to have a chance to know you here in cyberland and honoured by the kind words you so often send to me (along with every hug).
Sela
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(((((((Sela))))))) thanks! Yes, I'm seeing myself with greater clarity... learning my weaknesses and - SO very important - my limits.
See, I didn't used to think it was okay to have limits... to say, "When!".
Used to think that I had to explain myself to everyone else's satisfaction and explain to the max the couple of feeble boundaries I dared to set.
And I thought that I had to just accept whatever someone dished out, regardless of how it devastated me, because that was what it meant to be loving.
Now I can see that common sense offers solutions to alot of the stuff that used to torment me.
Simple stuff, you know?
Like - - - If beating your head on the wall gives you a headache - stop doing that.
If someone repeatedly lies to you - - - don't expect to get the truth from her the next time.
And if I consistently feel bad after spending time with a person, I need to stop exposing myself to that person!
So, yeah... it's not rocket science I'm talking about. Just clear vision and the wisdom to apply the simple basic facts of life; awareness and mindful choices.
Good stuff!
Hugs,
Carolyn
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Carolyn,
I have goose bumps!
For me you have the strength and roar of a lion, but you also have the gentleness of dove -- that is a rare and beautiful combination.
Lise expressed it beautifuly.
((your so special)) seasons
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((((((Seasons)))))) backatcha.
I've read your posts about your siblings and wanted to scream... "You DON'T belong to them!!!!"
but didn't think that'd be too helpful.
Since I have very limited contact with my parents and zero with my only brother, it's easy for me to talk, you know?
I just wish you so much more than what those people have to offer.
And thank God for your husband.
Love,
Carolyn
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Oh Carolyn,
I don't see any of that as simple stuff. I see it as complex (due to the twisted stuff that seemed normal and the great persistent struggle to emerge from such chaos). Truly a wonderful accomplishment!! Wonderful for you, Carolyn!!
Like - - - If beating your head on the wall gives you a headache - stop doing that.
It does sound so simple though eh? But if all one knows is to beat one's head then the beating can go on for a long, long time before one realizes how to stop or even that it's time to stop.
I know I've sure done it (and am still doing it, in certain senses).
The only way for me to quit is to give up hope, which I just don't want to do.
It's like......a person who wants their N parent to love and be kind to them and who keeps trying to please and impress, over and over, hoping that one day....some day.....that love and kindness will come. But it won't ever come because the N parent is incapable of loving and being kind and so the only way to escape is to give up the hope of that love and kindness coming.
I still want the love and kindness but I know, in my heart, it can't come. (I know I'm not being specific here, on purpose, 'cause I have a hard time even saying this much about my own situation).
But that's why I say....you give certain hope because you are proof it is possible to stop banging one's head against a wall.
I know I just have to stop and I see it can be done. I guess it's the how I haven't got down pat yet.
Sela
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Dear Sela,
For most of my life I was tangled up in the apparent complexities. A big chunk of that involved feeling responsible for everyone and everything around me.
When it began to get really simple (not easy) was when I began to see with my heart two things:
That God loves me - and - that God loves everyone else in the world.
I'm still only beginning to see just how much, but that new vision is changing everything.
At the beginning, though, it was hard to see those two truths (imo) as being anything other than mutually exclusive. It was like I had to focus on one, and then the other, and then back to the first one... couldn't seem to integrate the two.
But now, it's all beginning to come together... still with some seams showing.
It's allowing me to reach out to trusted others and tell them my fears, to confess the places within myself which I've always seen as dark, and to allow myself to stop pretending that I can handle anything that's laid on my plate and keep on dancing.
I can't.
That's no startling revelation.
What has been a startling revelation is that it's okay to be unable to handle everything and anything.
And that's what those trusted others have been able to help me see.
Coming out of religion has allowed me to stop trying to impress God.
Coming out of perfectionism has allowed me to stop trying to impress others.
And coming out of denial has allowed me to stop trying to impress myself.
I've got problems... and many of them have nothing to do with the individuals who've mistreated me and abused my trust.
Whoa - now that's freeing.
My parents are elderly. My brother's no spring chicken, either.
I don't like any of them.
How rude of me, eh? How thoughtless and inconsiderate.
No - it's just a fact. They don't like me either, I don't guess.
How could they? I'm a stranger to them.
And here's the real stumbling stone:
I'm so glad and thankful to be 1,000 miles away from them all.
Just yesterday, the realization hit like a missile... my own sense of relief and gratitude at being removed from their orbit has been the source of a load of guilt which has prevented me from moving on the rest of the way into healing.
It's okay to be glad about no contact!!
Duh >> me.
Anyhow, live and learn.
Sela, you are filled with love and kindness... it shows.
Apply that genuine concern for others to yourself... and you will see how to stop the painful repetitions. imo, of course.
Love to you,
Carolyn
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I feel this post is ruining your thread so I'm editing it.
Ofcourse because it is so shameful and because of fear.
It's allowing me to reach out to trusted others and tell them my fears, to confess the places within myself
That's what happened to me here.
Thankyou and much love to you, Carolyn.
Sela
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Sela, it's okay, I'll pm you.
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This blog entry really registered with me and so I wanted to share it here.
Although I did not write it, my own experience has brought about many of the same observations...
specifically relative to the abusive relationship I had with NPD-ex.
This is not a commentary on setting limits to individual pain
or about trying to rush anyone through recovery...
it's simply an observation of light at the end of a very long tunnel
and confirmation of the very realistic hope that the pain can end.
Carolyn
When the (you fill in the blank) is gone: Pain is temporary
The following is Quoted From: http://www.lovefraud.com/blog/2008/02/03/265/ (http://www.lovefraud.com/blog/2008/02/03/265/)
Lance Armstrong said,
“Pain is temporary. It may last a minute, or an hour, or a day, or a year, but eventually it will subside and something else will take its place.
If I quit, however, it lasts forever.”
When I was in an abusive relationship with a sociopath, the pain was overwhelming.
I quit trying to get through it and gave into it. I quit and felt like it would last forever.
“Nothing lasts forever - not even your troubles” so said psychologist, Arnold H. Glasgow.
Trouble is, when I’m in trouble I ‘always’ think in absolutes, like never and forever.
When I’m in never and forever land, I tell myself tomorrow is too far away to even bother caring about what happens today.
I tell myself to quit moving through the turmoil because it is a forever deal. I’m never going to get through it.
I’m never going to get away from it. I’m never going to get away.
When I was with the sociopath, I couldn’t see the possibility of freedom when I was mired in my denial of what was happening in my life. I kept telling myself that because I said I loved him, I had to stay true to my love forever. I had to stay true to him, forever and could never leave. I never let myself think about the alternative, “What if I could leave? What if I didn’t love him? what if….?”
Because I told myself I could never leave him, I couldn’t see that I was the architect of my distress. Caught up in the despair of believing ‘the pain of loving him’ would last forever, I convinced myself to quit trying to do anything different, to think anything different. I told myself there was no freedom for me, just this ennui of dying more and more every day.
I work at a homeless shelter. Recently, I had a friend tell me he believes that many of the homeless in our city ‘receive with the expectation they should receive and see no merit in contributing to the very institution or the society that gives them succour’. While I understand his point of view, and on the surface acknowledge there is some ‘truth’ to what he says, I also understand what happens to an individual when they become so lost they see no hope of ever finding themselves again.
In all of us there is a dark-side to our psyches.
That place where light cannot find a foothold in the quicksand of negative thinking that pulls us down.
Some will never trip over their shadows, some will never fall so far from grace they lose sight of the light.
For those who meet up with sociopaths or who lose their way on the road of life, however, darkness will fall as they plummet into the despair of believing they will always be lost to the light.
Devoid of hope, they will not open their eyes to the possibility of letting go of never and forever being there.
My life with the sociopath was like that. I fell into the dark-side and quit trying to swim to the shores of sensibility.
I gave up on me and gave into him.
The pain of my existence, of being me, of having to walk around in my own body was overwhelming. I wanted to die and thus did everything I could to make it possible.
The sociopath became my escape from living. He was my own personal suicide mission.
I see it happening everyday at the shelter where I work. People on suicide missions with a destiny they fear will never come.
And yet, despite the bleakness of their outlooks their human spirit keeps struggling to survive. To rise above the cesspool of negative thinking that inexorably pulls them into the vortex of their despair.
There is no easy cure for pain.
Yesterday my gallbladder flared up and for a moment I felt as if the pain would last forever. I knew it wouldn’t and so I breathed deeply. Let the tears flow and waited for it to subside. It did.
Like all pain, it disbursed, eased, backed-off and was replaced with something else.
In my case, a refreshing sleep from which I awoke to a beautiful blue sky-day filled with love and laughter. A walk with the puppies and a wonderful friend. A shopping trip to one of my favourite stores to scope out storage solutions for my new home and a birthday dinner for one of my dearest friends.
It was a day that started with pain and ended with love and laughter. The pain subsided, its memory but a distant reminder I must watch more carefully what I eat. The love and laughter, they live on, forever and a day,
to remind me to never give up on living my life on the light-side of my thinking.
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Dearest Hope-
You are a special creature, gentle yet determined, strong yet sensitive and intellectual. Thank you for your incredible understanding of my often inchoate feelings and attempts at expression and for this post. The conceptualization of why the victims of abuse were victimized- was it their fault, did they invite or cause the abuse?- is one of the most challenging aspects of healing and of getting the society as a whole with all of its institutions on board.
I have found, as time goes on, people who remind me of you in my daily life. As I struggle to explain a problem that I am having, a lady at the Credit Union smiles and says, "I understand- let me help you", and reveals in her office that she has been through the same thing...A man at the insurance company encourages me...Kindness is a rare virtue these days.
Thank You Hope.
Love,
Changing
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This line..... from your OP....
"The sociopath became my escape from living. He was my own personal suicide mission."
There is nothing in this life, that can prepare us for this experience.
No ONE.....
nobody....
can understand this place.....
until they're forced to dwell in it.
Lighter
ps.... I've never wished this kind of trauma on anyone, nor do I think I shall.
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Don't forget the rest of the story, Lighter...
It was a day that started with pain and ended with love and laughter. The pain subsided, its memory but a distant reminder I must watch more carefully what I eat. The love and laughter, they live on, forever and a day,
to remind me to never give up on living my life on the light-side of my thinking.
Remember, it's Light that drives away the darkness.
Love,
Carolyn
P.S. ((((((((((((Changing)))))))))))) thank you again.
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This is a good collection, I think, of milestones along the path toward recovery.
It's not a checklist, per se... but although the steps may not necessarily proceed in sequential order, each one is vital, imo,
and I think it does offer a solid guideline for self-monitoring while actively engaged in the quest for health and wellness.
It's from Invicta's support site, which has been closed for a few years now.
She wrote (and she was right!): Reclaiming and renewing yourself does not happen quickly, nor in any measurable way except that which you are mindful of. It takes enormous courage and determination, and time without boundaries. One day, you will look at the list and you will be surprised.
I hope that we can each be as patient with ourselves as we once were with those who were not concerned with our best interests. Carolyn
http://groups.msn.com/NarcissismSupportGroupMoralandSpiritualStruggle/recoverysignposts.msnw
(http://groups.msn.com/NarcissismSupportGroupMoralandSpiritualStruggle/recoverysignposts.msnw)
Indicators of Recovering
Willingness to look the abuse in the face, acknowledge to yourself, and endure, the hurt, the pain, and all the other distressing and dreadful feelings that arise.
Willingness to work to express your feelings and thoughts to others about the abuse, even in spite of any shame you may yet feel.
Understanding that you were targetted and/or victimised, that regardless of any consent it seems you may have given, you were victimised.
Considering the abuse a violation, that you were violated.
Realising the damage experienced; working through, and overcoming to some degree, the feelings of shame and guilt that naturally occur from abuse.
Identifying your unique style of relating to others, including attempts to avert further hurt by avoiding honesty and intimacy, and working on changing it.
Being able to identify unrealistic fears, work them through with some success, and not being plagued with continuing anxiety.
Recognising in a general way, the burdens of perfectionism, of rage, or bitterness, and of depression- that for all their power, they can keep you stuck beyond a certain point.
Experiencing an increase in sense of worth as a person and finding yourself able to trust others more than before.
Possessing a greater ability to engage in intimate relationships with spouse, family and friends.
Recognising areas in your life where you make a difference.
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Successful Coping
Recently I happened upon this resource, presented by the North American Mission Board (of the Southern Baptist Convention, I believe).
I've left the main points intact here, in this excerpt. Explanations, on a Biblical basis, are available on the webpage here:
http://www.namb.net/site/c.9qKILUOzEpH/b.695693/k.9D40/Successful_Coping.htm (http://www.namb.net/site/c.9qKILUOzEpH/b.695693/k.9D40/Successful_Coping.htm)
(Please understand that I've posted here all 11 points, knowing that #11 is not going to be of interest to all, and yet I don't want to disrupt the integrity of the material as presented by its authors.)
Each of this has come into the picture for me, personally, throughout my recovery... some more haphazardly than others and I'm still retracing steps on many of them.
#6 is the one which really caught my attention today. Move toward a goal and not just away from a problem!
That fits right in with the purposeful-ness, mindful choices, and consistency on which I so very much want to focus my energies now.
Hope this will help others, as well.
With love,
Carolyn
All of us face times when life seems overwhelming, more than we can bear. At such times it is tempting to want to give up, let go, leave it all to someone else to handle. We think we simply can’t cope. Maybe you have come to this page because right now life seems to be just too much. Maybe you are wondering if there is any way you can ever get out from under this heavy load and experience the goodness of life again.
1. Focus on priorities.
When we face a time of testing, we often become distracted by all of the issues that present themselves, no matter how trivial. A more productive approach is to identify what really matters, to keep our focus on the one or two primary issues and deal with them. Other matters can be brought into line when the primary issues are handled first, but we cannot be productive or cope effectively if we dissipate our energies with sideline issues.
2. Accept the past as history.
3. Change what can be changed; accept or tolerate what cannot be changed; learn to tell the difference.
4. Make choices directly, not indirectly; accept the responsibility for choices and actions.
5. Be willing to accept help.
6. Move toward a goal, not just away from a problem.
7. Take action to experience success.
8. Remember: feelings are not moral – good or bad.
9. View organization as helpful and reassuring.
10. Define change in terms of movement toward personal goals.
11. Find in Jesus Christ the ultimate resource for coping.
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Carolyn, you are something else.
Your journal entries (I'm guessing?) are beautifully, beautifully written -- I'm insanely jealous!! -- and so powerful and insightful.
You are a wonderful creature. (As in, All God's Creatures; All things bright and beautiful.)
LC
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Oh, Lily... noooo - these entries are not from my journal.
This is stuff I'm gathering together in order to re-focus on recovery.
Thank you so much for your kind thoughts, but I haven't journaled properly or consistently for several years.
Figured that when I remarried I'd reached the point where all would be clear sailing.
Hah! That didn't even begin to take into account the fact that I didn't allow myself time to recoup after N.
And anyway... my thoughts are not naturally anywhere near so neat and orderly as those I'm sharing here.
Normal guy and I have been married for 4 years next month.
When we got together, I turned the page and just kinda went blindly stumbling ahead, trying to forget the past.
Then I began to make the connection between Npd-ex's destruction and my childhood atmosphere...
and then I just kinda blindly stumbled in here to this board... lol.
And there has been alot of learning and growth here, but it's all been so random and there've been so many adjustments that I'm feeling very... uncoordinated.
So now I'm just tired of all that blind stumbling and want to make a more integrated, deliberate walk through healing... and gathering info (and making lists :oops:) offers some sense of structure for that. That's what a parochial education will do to ya, I guess.
And.... guess I'd better start journaling again! Thank you for that thought (((((Lily)))))
Love,
Carolyn
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The BAR Cycle
is a powerful method to understand what makes us do destructive things and to control these compulsions.
The BAR cycle applies to addiction,
abuse,
eating disorders
and other compulsive behavior.
[Since all of the above are possible issues with which abuse survivors will need to deal, this knowledge could be a most helpful tool in overcoming and progressing through recovery! ]
The BAR Cycle And Compulsive Behavior http://www.way2hope.org/family-articles/bar-cycle.htm (http://www.way2hope.org/family-articles/bar-cycle.htm)
Why do we do what we do? Human motivation has been the subject of countless studies and many more to come. Based on the recovery rate, with the billions of hours devoted to addiction, abuse, eating disorders, phobias and other compulsive behavior, human motivation is clearly not an exact science.
This article may not be for you if you're looking for graduate level book learnin'.
But, if you're looking for the lessons learned over decades by a man battling his own destructive compulsions, read on.
My story includes chronic phobia, anger, self-loathing, addictions to alcohol, sex, drugs, food and cigarettes.
These compulsions had predictable impacts on my careers and relationships, leaving me with only the family members who tolerated me and my partners in the "low life."
In my 30's, with the help of God and Marsha (now my wife of 20 years), I began a long battle toward a life free of compulsion.
I can't say I've totally arrived, but most of my fears and addictions are things of the past.
What's left is an occasional bout of overeating and occasional sexual temptations...I'm guessing, much like everyone else.
Here are some of the most popular books on controlling human compulsive behavior.
In my journey, I picked up a human motivation cycle from someone, and don't remember the book or author.
What I do remember is how well the cycle applied to the cause and solution of every one of my compulsions.
Since I don't recall the exact terms, I've come to call it
the BAR Cycle.; B.A.R. stands for Belief, Action and Results.
The cycle applies to all human motivation and behavior issues, including addictions and compulsions.
It's a tool for understanding why we do the things we do.
Belief generates action that creates results that strengthen or weaken the belief.
Belief is what motivates all our actions. Beliefs about ourselves, our friends, our jobs, etc. If I told you your house was on fire and you didn't believe me, you would do nothing. If you did believe me, you would take a different course of action. We can't continually act in a way that is inconsistent with our beliefs. This is why an anorexic is compelled to starve himself...he believes he's fat even when he isn't.
Action flows from belief. This is why we can't just change our actions and, say, not do it any more. Because an alcoholic believes he needs to drink to make up for a void he sees in himself, until that belief is changed, he won't be able to quit drinking on more than a temporary basis.
Results are the emotional feedback we get from the actions we take. These feed into our belief and either strengthen or weaken it. For example, if an alcoholic feels he needs a drink to build up his self esteem in certain situations, the act of drinking will generate emotional responses. He notices he was able to relax and not be so self-conscious while he was drinking. This reinforces his need for more alcohol, because it temporarily masks his self-esteem issue. Unfortunately, the guilt over having drunk too much and the realization that he "needs" to drink lowers his self-esteem even more, requiring more alcohol to get the same temporary relief. Obviously, we can't control results without changing the actions that generated them.
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((((Carolyn))))
You're always bringing something helpful to the board.....
thanks.
Lighter
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(((((((((Lighter))))))))) thanks. Your encouragement means alot.
It's not easy for me to stay in the groove of looking forward, either, so... this is all good and helps me, too.
The "BAR" method is basic stuff, I know, but it's what I need right now. Don't want to get swallowed up by any ruts, you know?
It's good to see you.... I hope you're doing better than okay.
Love,
Carolyn
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The BAR Cycle - Part 2
(Continued from Bar Cycle And Compulsive Behavior)
Using the BAR Cycle To Control Compulsion:
In future articles, we'll apply the BAR Cycle to specific conditions, like anxiety, addiction, eating disorders, etc.
For now, let's discuss how to use it to control compulsions, generally.
The cycle starts with a Belief, which generates an Action that leads to emotional Results that alter Belief.
In the case of harmful compulsions, the Cycle builds and strengthens a false belief, increasing the "need" for the action.
Think of the BAR Cycle in terms of prison bars.
Every time we go through the Cycle, we add another bar to our prison, locking us into destructive behaviors.
Since we can't change Results without changing the Actions and we can't force ourselves to permanently change Actions without changing the underlying Beliefs, the only place we can break into the BAR Cycle and escape the prison is through Beliefs.
Our beliefs are made up of brain patterns from every experience we've ever had. Most of our controlling patterns happened so early in life we have no memory of it. This is why we often follow in our parent's footsteps, whether for the good or bad.
The stronger the emotion attached, the more repetition of the thought pattern, the stronger the pattern, the stronger the compulsion. This is why, though I hated the behavior of my alcoholic father, I grew up to become an alcoholic, myself. These patterns are so reliable, $ Billions are spent each year to capture your thoughts, attach an emotion and program you to want a certain product. It's called advertising! It's no accident they use humor, sex or other emotions in the ads...emotions strengthen your brain pattern and your desire for their product. We can use this to our advantage in changing our own beliefs and controlling our compulsions.
Positive Thoughts To Change Belief Patterns:
It's not easy...just possible! It begins by taking control of our thoughts...replacing weak, negative, destructive thought patterns with positive, uplifting, constructive ones.
It may mean we have to shut off the News for a while and read an uplifting book, instead.
Choose programs, movies, books and music that are uplifting and positive.
Repeat positive affirmations in the present tense that change the way you see yourself (i.e. "I always make decisions that support a healthy mind and body."
"I see and enjoy the positive side of every situation.")
Spend less time with people who focus on the negative side of life.
Fight off temptations to engage in compulsive behavior by redirecting your thoughts to more productive interests.
Positive Actions To Change Belief Patterns:
Though we can't directly eliminate our compulsive actions, we can change our Belief by spending time in more positive actions.
This can include hobbies, volunteer work, church and club activities, etc.
These actions change our attitude by improving our self-esteem. Other actions that can improve what you believe about yourself are exercise programs, donating money to worthy causes, letting others go first, helping neighbors and strangers, tipping 30-50%, stopping at every lemonade stand and paying a dollar to the enterprising kid.
Just developing the habit of picking up litter when you see it or paying the toll for the next car can do wonders for your self-esteem.
Over time, as we use the BAR cycle to change our beliefs about ourselves and our lives, the compulsive actions happen less and less often, until one day, we look back and wonder when was the last time we did that. I look back on who I was and it seems as if it was a whole other person. If you've been suffering from a compulsion of any kind, the BAR Cycle can be a new key to help unlock your prison and free you to the healthy, productive life you were made for.
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Clarified Recovery Tip for the Day:
Know that you did not have control over the encounter, that you do not have control over anything except what you choose to believe and do.
Choose life.
Carolyn
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This thread is really helping me immensely.
Thankyou so much ((((((((Carolyn))))))) !!
Sending you love.
Sela
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Oh, Sela ... I'm so glad! Thank you for telling me.
It's helping me, too... to stay on track (or get back on track, when I slip).
If we could just live within a bubble, I don't guess we'd need this stuff... but who wants to spend a life that way?
Not I !
((((((Sela))))))
Love,
Carolyn
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Recovery Tip for today:
Repair what is broken - - -
Force yourself to turn away from the face of evil and add something to the world.
Even while you are in shock, take a moment to be kind to someone, some small thing or kind thought, and take charge of your soul ~ be the captain.
I really like this, from Dr. Irene ~ I have overcome a lot of damage just by putting one step in front of the other and laying a new foundation bit by bit in repairing a bit of the world. No one can take that away from me. When you see what you can do to make the world a better place, how the world responds to you, you won't listen to anyone who is only looking to fix you by telling you how you are broken. You have a broken,shattered heart and you already know that. End of story.
Carolyn
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And another recovery tip... again, from Dr. Irene:
Know that this too shall pass and that the other side is wonderful, is amazing, something that you can't imagine right now.
You will amaze yourself.
In moments of despair and moments of soul searing loneliness, know that you are not alone.
You are supported. Others have gotten through this and you will too.... and you will do it with the dignity that is your birthright- in a perfectly human way.
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Carolyn,
Thank you for this thread. There is so much truth for me in your first post. I have always been confused by how capable I am in so many ways and my experiece in relationships and yes, I agree, it comes down to boundaries and the hope that things will get better, when I get heard. This article gives me clarity. I have not known what my boundaries were. Yes, I aspire to not being abused etc but have been unwilling to put in place the boundaries which would prevent this. I think time out from voiceless has helped me with reflecting on these issues.
Thanks,
axa
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Dear Axa,
Thanks for telling me.... and I'm so glad that you're still stopping by here to visit.
I can relate, too. Used to think that - if only I could put words to some thoughts - everything would be okay.
Well... sometimes words don't work... and often, it seems, being heard doesn't translate into more effective boundaries.
For me, even here within my home, actions definitely speak louder than words... and boundaries need to be demonstrated in the form
of object lessons.
"I'm not going to tolerate this anymore" needs to be accompanied by some visible, experiential consequences - if it happens again - or else it's all empty talk.
That's what I've discovered.
Love,
Carolyn
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Since I remarried (a man I barely knew) immediately following NPD-ex, I'm working this recovery business backwards...
but work it, I must!
And I like this one, excerpted from http://www.womansdivorce.com/recovery-for-survivors-of-abuse.html (http://www.womansdivorce.com/recovery-for-survivors-of-abuse.html)
Practical stuff! I keep thinking about the dog who's been chained for so long that, even if you unhook the chain, he thinks he's still bound to pace the same old area, round and round.
I can relate.
Carolyn
Rewire your brain:
After enduring years, possibly decades of negative input about our bodies, cooking, skills, abilities, sexuality, personality and everything that makes us what we are, our thought patterns become stuck into believing it's true. We learned to act in certain ways in order to protect ourselves from further abuse and harm. We built up mental ways of coping with the impossible and bearing the unbearable. We learned to survive. Those survival mechanisms and thought patterns got us through and they are still with us, but they are now obsolete. We need to rewire our brains to react positively to daily events and to ourselves. We no longer need to apologize for things that aren't our fault, or blame ourselves for another person's behavior.
We need to understand that everyone is responsible for their own behavior, including us! We can't make someone abuse us, they choose to do it. We can't make them stop abusing us either, for the abuser must choose to stop the abuse themselves. You are not responsible for his behavior, you never were. You are responsible for your own behavior, however.
How do you want to wear your hair? What clothes do you want to wear? What kind of music do you like to listen to? Watch what you want on TV. Do the laundry/housework/dishes when you want to. Make your life suit your convenience.
Habits are hard to break. Just be aware and catch yourself if you slip into your old ways and stop for a moment and think 'does this work for me?' Make sure you break the cycle and don't let it happen to you again.
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Years ago, I used to listen regularly to a program on Christian radio, with Dr. Randy Carlson - called Parent Talk.
Well, now he's got a new ministry going, called Intentional Living... and after spending some time at the website today, I think it's a wonderful resource for moving out of survival into recovery.
Just wanted to share the link here: http://www.theintentionallife.com/ (http://www.theintentionallife.com/)
Love,
Carolyn
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Common Misconceptions about Healing
by Dee Ann Miller, RN, BS
http://www.advocateweb.org/hope/healing.asp (http://www.advocateweb.org/hope/healing.asp)
Ms. Miller writes: "Before leaving psychiatric nursing to devote more time to advocacy work, I wrote some hand-outs for my patients. No matter what the trauma, no matter what the diagnosis, no matter if the patient was suffering from a chronic or an acute condition, I found that many profited from one that helped clarify some of the common myths about healing. Hopefully, these myths can help you, as well:"
MYTH #1: Emotional healing is a process that's needed only occasionally, when one has been deeply hurt.
NO! Healing is a constant on-going part of daily living. For everyone!
It is required whenever we face a change or crisis. Much of it takes place without us being consciously aware that it is going on.
Survivors often feel "different" or permanently "damaged" when, in reality, they are waging an internal war because of cognitive distortions that constitute unwelcome changes in the way things are perceived.
Healing requires the adjustment to new understandings, new ideas, new skills, new behaviors, and a new self-concept that, in time, has the potential to produce a healthier person than ever before.
MYTH #2: There is a magic formula that I have to find if I'm going to recover.
Sorry, there are no magic formulas!
When I worked with children, I frequently sang a little song to them: "Look all the world over. There's no one like me."
It's true for adults, just as much as children. In fact, life's circumstances can make adult processes even more complex.
The way you heal and how fast you do it can depend on your personality, past experiences with trauma, how you perceive your present situation, your support system, and many other factors.
There is absolutely no right or wrong way to heal. There is no normal timetable, no measuring stick.
You are not in competition with anyone else.
MYTH #3: Professionals are the most important people on the healthcare team.
NO! You are!
Professionals have a lot of knowledge, but they are not God.
They alone cannot bring healing, no matter how much they try. Their work, and yours, can be undermined by circumstances beyond their control.
All of us have our limitations.
The most important thing a professional can do for you is to provide a listening ear and an accepting, empathetic spirit.
MYTH #4: Healing is an event with a definite beginning and ending.
Unfortunately, problems tend to recycle periodically, requiring one to face new issues related to the trauma, years after saying: "I think I'm over that."
This can be scary, especially if one is not warned of the possibility.
The stages of grieving may have to be repeated when reminders or other traumatic events trigger old garbage.
This is not a sign of weakness.
It's a sign of normality.
Our losses often involve sub-losses that may not be recognized until years after the initial trauma.
MYTH #5: Time heals all things.
No, again!
Ignoring pneumonia usually brings a slow, painful death.
So does ignoring emotional or spiritual pain.
While healing is an individual process, finding well-informed professionals, friends and other survivors who are able to support you can go a long ways.
So can reading material.
You DO need time, but time alone isn't the answer.
Healing involves a lot of grieving over changes and losses. And grieving is very hard work.
It's exhausting.
So set realistic goals.
Take vacations away from the active process, from time to time.
Be kind to yourself.
Expect things to get better slowly as you are able to take time for the pain.
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Hi Carolyn,
Your last post here is exactly my experience. I knew when I had hurdled my dysfunction/recovery/rehabilitation. It felt so good to know I would never have to fight my way through that jungle again. Edit in: I must have let out a large emotional sigh. I didn't even recognize it then, but subconsciously I must have known that I for the first time had a tool box to help me the rest of the way. Never once though did I talk myself into thinking I was finished with the process. Going down that mountain was hard too, but less so. Then you kind of level out in the valley and keep going. Everywhere on the path there are obstacles and potholes. Some just like the ones I left behind. Others new and equally tough. I experience betrayals, and disappointments, just as before. The thing that is different is that I have more and better tools for the task at hand. I paid a high price for those tools. I intend to use them and regard them with the affection they deserve.
<3
Thanks for this thread.
tt
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Thank you, tt.
This is a very comforting realization.
Like that saying... life is what happens while you're waiting for ___________ (fill in the blank).
Well, seems like healing is the same way... it's what is happening within us, as we continue putting one foot in front of the other, moment by moment and day by day.
I'm picturing those hurdles, encountered by runners on a track. In recovery, we don't get points subtracted for having caught a toe or even a knee on them and knocking them over. It's not about perfection and clearing them neatly...
it's about getting up and continuing the race.
Hugs,
Carolyn
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That's how I see it too.
And while running the race, trying not to be so absorbed with the race that we don't see and interact with, help and love others along the way.
tt
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Talk about being blinded. I've been looking at pages back and back and here is this thread....
right here in front of my face!!
:roll:
It is so full of info I find helpful that I just want to keep it bumped right up!
Thankyou Carolyn!
:D Sela
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Wow, Sela... what a happy co in kee dink! :D
I am furry-brained tonight, but just had to say, "hey!" so... Hey!
(fading swiftly into the background once again... lol)
Love,
Carolyn
((((((((((Sela))))))))))
(((((((((tt))))))))) same sized hug, just a shorter name when initialized... lol
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Suggested Intentions for Recovery
By Pete Walker, MA
http://www.pete-walker.com/pdf/IntentionsRecovery.pdf (http://www.pete-walker.com/pdf/IntentionsRecovery.pdf)
Normal and safe wants and needs to wish and hope for...
to cultivate with mental, spiritual and emotional energy.
I want to develop a more constantly loving and accepting relationship with myself. I want an increasing capacity for self acceptance.
I want to learn to become the best possible friend to myself.
I want to attract, into my life, relationships that are based on love, respect, fairness and mutual support.
I want to uncover a full, uninhibited self expression.
I want to attain the best possible physical health.
I want to cultivate a balance of vitality and peace.
I want to attract, to myself, loving friends and loving community.
I want increasing freedom from toxic shame.
I want increasing freedom from unnecessary fear.
I want rewarding and fulfilling work.
I want a fair amount of peace of mind, spirit, soul and body.
I want to increase my capacity to play and have fun.
I want to make plenty of room for beauty and nature in my life.
I want sufficient physical and monetary resources.
I want a fair amount of help (self, human, or divide) to get what I need.
I want God's love, grace and blessing.
I want a balance of work, rest and play.
I want a balance of stability and change.
I want a balance of loving interaction and healthy self sufficiency.
I want a full emotional expression with a balance of laughter and tears.
I want sexual satisfaction.
I want to find effective and non-abusive ways to deal with anger.
I want all this for each and every other being.
(excerpted from The Tao of Fully Feeling, by Pete Walker, MFT)