Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival => Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board => Topic started by: flower on August 28, 2004, 10:21:33 PM
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Thanks so much for your insight and support.
It aided my healing. Too much of my heart
was in this post to let it remain here for posterity on the web.
The post served its purpose and now it is time to
edit it or gently take it down.
To every thing there is a season, and a time
to every purpose under the heaven: Ecclesiates 3:1
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good for you !!!!!!!! wow ,, you sure have a great husband ,, what a nice supportive man. Well, let them leave in a huff, maybe they will huff and puff themselves silly and not have enough energy to torment you for a while. Fancy that, somebody stood up to them... hooray !!
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Hi Flower,
Victory dance happening here! :D
Seeker
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Hi Flower,
How many times does a person have to say the same thing over? My answer is not very many times if one wants to maintain self-respect.
You're right, of course. I heard something so simple last night on the late late night news. (I was awake obsessing about an N-psycho teacher and feeling helpless. I may post later on it.) Anyway, it was a story about a hate crime, actually several hate crimes committed over and over again. Someone was constantly vandalizing one family's home for months (maybe over a year): paintballs, garbage, broken windows and it was a decent neighborhood demographically speaking. The police said they couldn't do anything without more evidence. So the family is bringing on the media.
Anyway, an advocate for the family said: "Bullies are cause-and-effect people and only stop when there are consequences for their actions." Brilliant!
I really like your H in this story! What a guy! Cheers, Seeker
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You're getting healthier every day Flower! Way to go!
You did a great job controlling the temptation to slip into being overly scared too, on the way to the library, by saying to yourself:
"No, I am having a nice walk here and I'm not going to let my parents spoil this." So even though anxiety was knawing at me that my mom faked a heart attack, my dad had a heart attack or things got out of hand and my husband lost his temper, I just didn't care anymore..."
You stuck with your plan and didn't let fear stop you!!
You said too:
"Actually I did face my mom in 2002 and confronted her face to face. She knew what I thought/think of her behavior. She didn't admit to wrongdoing at all. I gave her more time to see if she "got it" and she kept the same pattern of behavior..."
Same here. I confronted the n in my life, some years back and not only did she do as your n-mom, by not admitting wrong-doing and keeping the same pattern, but the pattern got a lot worse. She demanded a lot of money from me back then, saying I "owed" her because she had co-signed a loan for me, one time, and when I stood up to her and pointed out that signing her name didn't cost her anything and that she didn't "owe" me anything for anything I had ever given her, or done for her, etc...it just caused her behaviour to go beserk. I had no idea of the steps she was taking to exact revenge, as she seemed to just forget about it, and acted her regular self after that but increasingly critical, demanding, controlling, etc. Little did I know what she was doing behind the scenes to create chaos and ruin.
I mention this for those who are considering confronting their n face to face, in warning that it could make matters worse. The method you used, sneaking away when they arrived, is probably the best thing. Each person must decide how to deal with this problem, when ending relationships with n's. It's a hard thing to predict, how they will react to the truth about their behaviour, any rejection and especially, confrontation. Had you stayed to face them, there may have been a big, crazy scene that would only have added to your upset, and not accomplished much at all.
I'm glad things are working out for you and your husband. It's not an easy thing to do. Stick to your guns.
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flower,
Boy, are you lucky that your H is willing to enforce the boundary with your parents. :lol: My H wouldn't take on my parents in a million years. He was scared of his own mother. You don't have to face your parents if your H is willing to deal with them. The only thing that matters is that they are kept at a safe distance. It doesn't matter who the enforcer is. The enforcement itself is the crucial thing.
bunny
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(Fireworks) :lol:
Yeah Flower!
That's awesome! Your husband is a great man! I'm so happy for you that you kept walking - good for you. I also would've been thinking the worst about the ambulance - paranoia on my part. Working on that though. :wink:
Big hugs for you. And a pat on the back for you & your hubby!
Love, Michelle
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Oops - sorry I made the post so wide. not sure what happened.
:oops:
Michelle
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Flower said:
"It seems in a relationship doing things out of love and loyalty should be natural, but the Ns count every single penny and feel we owe them for everything they have done. "
Actually, in my case, I'm the one who spent all the pennies and she never seemed to notice. I did not expect anything in return for what I gave to her but the demands she made upon me and her saying that I "owed" her caused something inside me to finally.........burst. I was shocked and so very hurt and completely stunned for a few days. All I did was cry. I just sort of felt as if she was pushing me off some kind of emotional cliff. I remember thinking:
"I can't believe she really thinks I owe her anything" but I knew this thought was denial. She did really think I owe her everything. She thinks the whole world owes her everything because she is above everyone else.
Thanks for your support back to me Flower. I did things out of love and loyalty and it was natural for me and you put that into words for me and validated my situation. For the n...there is no love or loyalty and that's what really hurts. My relationship with her was a big lie. It was imaginary. I had a relationship with what I wanted her to be and behaved as I would want to be treated. She sucked everything she could get from me and then spit in my face, laughing her way out the door. I feel sorry for a person like that who feels no sorrow for such behaviour and who does not value love and loyalty, who can throw it away so easily. They are truly the people who are losing out on some priceless stuff in life.
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Hello everyone,
I just sort of felt as if she was pushing me off some kind of emotional cliff.
This is exactly the image I have in my head along with my pastor (a big gruff bear of a man) who I visualize pulling me back from the edge by the seat of my pants and dropping me on the ground saying "Not today." He's been there and knew exactly what I was going through.
My Ndad is an expert guilt-tripper and bully, but stops at the insidious, devious machinations of my NSIL. Everything with her was under the radar. :evil: And she was a major league scorekeeper, too, as you all describe. She lives in a beautiful house and would siphon stuff off us serfs in the mudpiles. Really exploitative. Ugh. I, too, treated her the way I wanted to be treated. What a joke. Nothing changed.
Hugs, Seeker
Hugs to you all, Seeker
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Hi Flower:
Now this is probably going to sound really silly but your saying my words validated your situation actually validated my situation, because what you are really saying is that my words make sence, which gives me a real feeling of validation and helps me to not feel so isolated, in that you experienced something similar, and therefore I'm not batty for thinking about my situation like that, and putting it into those words (and I really needed that validation. Thankyou so very much).
I'm glad to hear of your family's wonderful experience with this doctor. It sounds like the doc will be invaluable real soon.
Hope everyone is healing well today.
s
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Ditto here Flower and thanks again.
Glad to hear you had a good day and hope tomorrow is better.
Mine was pretty good too -so all this validating is a wonderful thing, isn't it?
As a matter of fact, I might add that to my list of good things to admire in others and something to work on developing: good validating skills. I think I will.
Please let me know how the doctor works out as this is so important for your family and something I am interested to hear about. And for the record, I think it's just wonderful that your daughter wants you around as backup support and it shows how much she trusts you and relies on your input. You must be a great mom! Way to go!
s
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What a lovely quote/line/set of words.
Now I have a picture of a beautiful flower swaying in the cool breeze, on a hot summer day, in the huge, vastly populated field of life! (swaying, mind you, and bending with the flow, not wilting or breaking, just swaying to and fro and elegantly so).
Keep on swaying Flower! That's a good goal for all of us maybe?
To sway in the cool breeze that may pass by us on a hot summer day, eh?
Ok, so enough of my depictions. Enjoy today!
s
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This is still a great thread ... all of the posts are so on target and helpful.
you know earlier Flower you mentioned something about the Nparents with little regard and looking down their noses at us, and if we were "such losers" why did they slurp up the attention we used to pay to them.
Boy, are you ever right. I remain in shock that such an old bag as the NQueenmother could pull off so much on so many -- it's truly amazing. She needs to go over to Afghanistan and sniff out bin laden.
Anyhow, I remember conversations with both my parents when I would hear remarks like "maybe things will get better for you soon." I would suddenly feel deflated -- I didn't know things were bad for me ????? The only bad thing was them, but I didn't know that then. They would ignore my job, which was a really good one with a high powered law firm where I was respected and appreciated. I made a better salary than both of them combined had ever made in their lives. I put my 2 boys through college and one through grad school. I owned my own home at 23. I never asked them for anything. I had 2 wonderful kids and friends and I thought it was a pretty good life and all the while they were in the background (in the vile darkness) shaking their heads, nodding "I knew she would fail," searching with magnifiers for flaws, telling lies and plotting smear campaigns. Meanwhile I was Betty Booping along, innocent as you please, thinking I was Ozzie and Harriet's daughter. What an idiot I was ,, hahaha ,,, that old bag sure pulled a number on me and I am starting to see the part my Dad played in it as well.
Like you say, they sure slurped up the worshipping factor -- bowing and giving in to the old bag all the time -- sacrificing my self-respect, my desires, my rights -- how sickening. Expecting, expecting, always pushing for more -- suck me dry was her goal. Drain that girl till she is just a shell, then she will crumble and we can point and say "see I told you she was worthless."
I can still see her sitting in her chair, waiting for the "kiss" -- like she was a freakin' queen and we had to kneel at her throne and be honored by her touch or attention. Then to stand back and watch the games she played with brother dear and his greedy wife and greedy, fake-ass daughter -- where is the barf bag??!!! They all swap their sugar coated fake comments back and forth -- I tell you there would be very little oxygen left in the room. One time I had a panic attack witnessing all that. I thought I would surely die there in the house if I could not get out that door and run. I held out and went into the bathroom and saw red streaks all around my throat and perspiration on my face. Praying really hard and cold water was the only thing that got me through that night. I thought I was going to have a heart attack.
Well, I hope this thread keeps chugging along. Thanks to all of you. :)
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Hi Flower,
Kiss your husband and stay strong. I understand your worry about the ambulance. I don't think you can ever be too careful when dealing with N's. Just the fact that you were even thinking something could happen should sound the alarm. I never thought that my father could ever do anything to harm me or my family. He tried to run my son off the road and we think he ripped the rearview mirror off his car. They can justify everything and lie about anything. Don't ignore any little voices!
Money is probably the most important thing to a N. Because they have no sense of self, it's an extension of themselves. My parents never paid for a dinner, a vacation or even a gallon of milk. They felt entitled to everthing we had. We are only as good (and loved) as long as we were constantly giving. My brother is still on that tightrope and is not very happy with me since I escaped the spider web. Another thing N parents do is divide and conquer. They have more control. They also have a "chosen" one. This makes other siblings jealous and insecure. It seems like the chosen is more loved, but they are chosen only to make the N parent look good. If one is more financially successful or has a talent the N parent can brag about to other people, they are chosen. It has absolutely nothing to do with who the chosen person is, just what they are. If something better comes along, the chosen one is cruelly dismissed. I know, I was the chosen one. I pray for my family every day. It really helps. Stay strong and don't waver. Dinny
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Hi s and Discounted Girl and Dinny!
:) Hi s!
Keep on swaying Flower! That's a good goal for all of us maybe?
To sway in the cool breeze that may pass by us on a hot summer day, eh?
Yes. It is good to just take time to enjoy a nice moment and go with it for a bit instead of just run around all crazy from one appointment/chore to the next, which is so easy to get caught up in! Thanks for the word picture. It gave me a nice visual break in my day. :)
Thanks s! Hope you are having days of refreshing events.
Hi Discounted Girl,
:lol:
Boy, are you ever right. I remain in shock that such an old bag as the NQueenmother could pull off so much on so many -- it's truly amazing. She needs to go over to Afghanistan and sniff out bin laden.
About doubt:
I'm so amazed at the capacity Ns have for denial in themselves and putting doubt on others. Your parents used what I call the industrial sized "Doubtmaster 500" put down club. What a fantasty they are in. They are totally disgusting.
Anyhow, I remember conversations with both my parents when I would hear remarks like "maybe things will get better for you soon." I would suddenly feel deflated -- I didn't know things were bad for me ????? The only bad thing was them, but I didn't know that then.
You did very well taking care of yourself! And this with two drainer parents. That is an accomplishment worth celebrating!!!!!!!!!
I can relate to your deflation and being puzzled by that twisted statement,"maybe things will get better for you soon."
I felt that way so many times at my mom's words.
This reminds me that my mom's fantasy for me was that I was going to develop schizophrenia like my uncle. They have looked for signs for years. My anger at their unfair treatment was met with the words "If you don't stop being angry you will turn out to be like uncle XXXX. If I got just a little bit too happy or expressive for their tastes they immediately gave me the sign to get under control. My mom is a stiff old disapproving thing. My brother and sister were quiet types. My dad went along with her sickness. My confrontation and stand against them is surely being painted as my descent into mental illness by my mom. That is what her question, "Is she sick?" probably meant. Oh yeah, once while I was growing up , my parents went to visit my schizophrenic uncle in the state hospital and took just me. They didn't take my brother and sister. I felt the visit was to show me what I could become. Kind of like a job faire in reverse. This is what you could become, learn your lesson by seeing what a state hospital looks like and be afraid, be very afraid. I was a very compliant child when they took me. I remember being a bit under age for visiting, but I was tall for my age and remember being nervous about visiting. I didn't want to go in and kept saying "But I'm not old enough." They told me it was okay. I don't know how they arranged it. They took me right in to the lounge where all the ill people were watching television. One man came at us trying to tell us the score for the baseball game on television. It was scary. Someone took us to a tiny room with a screened window in the door. I remember my uncle seemed angry and didn't say anything. He was a very insightful person at times and he probably could sense he was an object lesson. We had a very short visit and I didn't say a word. It was a very memorable experience. It was the hospital where they filmed "One Flew Over the Cuckcoo's nest." Yeah, really inspired confidence in me I tell you.
:x :roll: :x :evil: :lol: :shock: [mixed emotions here]
My mom told me all the time while I was growing up that I had lots of potential. All I lacked was confidence!
They used to ask my uncle
"Howare you doing?" in this really sick and demeaning manner. He would invariably become a little ticked off. I remember once he said back to them, "The same as you. I may be hairwire, but I've seen worse!"
I can still see her sitting in her chair, waiting for the "kiss" -- like she was a freakin' queen and we had to kneel at her throne and be honored by her touch or attention. Then to stand back and watch the games she played with brother dear and his greedy wife and greedy, fake-ass daughter -- where is the barf bag??!!! They all swap their sugar coated fake comments back and forth -- I tell you there would be very little oxygen left in the room. One time I had a panic attack witnessing all that. I thought I would surely die there in the house if I could not get out that door and run. I held out and went into the bathroom and saw red streaks all around my throat and perspiration on my face. Praying really hard and cold water was the only thing that got me through that night. I thought I was going to have a heart attack.
Gag -- at the kiss thing!
I think I can relate to the panic attack. Maybe it is like their behavior is like watching something not natural happening like witnessing a traffic accident or something and our natural defence systems step into action.
This happened to me when I saw just how stuck my brother is in his narcissism but I didn't have the name for it yet. It was when I had the blinders taken off and saw him for what he is during one of my final phone calls with him. After I hung up I turned all pale, sickly pale and immediately had diarherra and didn't make it to the bathroom. It is like my body said, "I'm not holding this in any longer!"
Thanks for sharing, Discounted Girl. Your post was very thought provoking. :)
Hi Dinny!
Kiss your husband and stay strong. I understand your worry about the ambulance. I don't think you can ever be too careful when dealing with N's. Just the fact that you were even thinking something could happen should sound the alarm. I never thought that my father could ever do anything to harm me or my family. He tried to run my son off the road and we think he ripped the rearview mirror off his car. They can justify everything and lie about anything. Don't ignore any little voices!
That is horrible beyond words what your father did to your son! They are in major denial. That is why I stopped eating or drinking at my mom's house before I broke off contact. Yes, we need to keep alert, I agree! Thank you for your understanding.
If something better comes along, the chosen one is cruelly dismissed.
This is so true! I should have taken a picture of my parents when my brother and sister were dumped out of the top spots when my daughter, the first grandchild, was born. My mom and dad had those goofy shining full of N supply faces like they were just born. It wasn't the normal love and pride for a first grandchild.
It seems like the chosen is more loved, but they are chosen only to make the N parent look good. If one is more financially successful or has a talent the N parent can brag about to other people, they are chosen. It has absolutely nothing to do with who the chosen person is, just what they are. If something better comes along, the chosen one is cruelly dismissed. I know, I was the chosen one. I pray for my family every day. It really helps. Stay strong and don't waver. Dinny
Thank you for your valuable perspective. It must be hard to have been the favorite one too. I have suspected that this was so for the favorite one. I think I remember a poster describing her postion as the favorite and the engulfing love of her mother. It seems like it could be even scarier.
When my brother, the favorite, who didn't turn out decent like you, wanted to try sales thirty years ago, just out of college and broke, my mom dropped him like a hot potato. He wanted his own business - something she hates. (I don't know who people are supposed to work for in private enterprise without someone having a business.). All those years of support and there he was reduced to tears, a tall imposing man, because his mom pulled the rug out from under him for the first time ( that I witnessed.) He said with tears, "I don't feel support!" It is very sad in a way and I am :evil: very angry at her evil puffing up of him which left him very vulnerable later. In his case, he was taught to hate me so even though my heart went out to him at this strange scene, I could not comfort him.
Thanks so much for the support, Dinny, to stay strong. Thank you for your words, they do my heart good. The genuflecting activity is very helpful! If you read the Bible, check out Psalm 27 for major encouragement for those with parents like ours. :)
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Hi everyone:
Hey Flower: "Thanks s! Hope you are having days of refreshing events."
You too Flower. You too. Mine are getting better and better. I feel a bit of weight being lifted lately. I think it was what Switzerland (in another thread) said about my revolving / circular emotions being stifling (or that's what I've simplified Switzerland's words down to). Yes, my circular emotions are stifling and I'm sick of that, and I have decided to remind myself of those words, every time my emotions start to go in revolving circles. And your validating my experience re. the relationship lie thing has helped me to realize that I am wasting my emotions, letting them go in circles, all for the loss of a relationship that was a lie. Then I put the 2 ideas together and I get:
I'm not going to waste my emotions or let them go in stifling cirlces anymore, for a relationship that was a lie. I'm sick of that too.
So you see, Flower, these little sentences that people have said to me, are helping immensely and giving me something to combat the revolving circle that has kept me in a stifled state for so long. I really do appreciate this help and I want to give as much or more back to all of you, but I am no book of knowledge.
And this: "Yes. It is good to just take time to enjoy a nice moment and go with it for a bit instead of just run around all crazy from one appointment/chore to the next, which is so easy to get caught up in! Thanks for the word picture. It gave me a nice visual break in my day."
Yes, yes, yes, Flower, that's what I do sometimes too and I need to remember to take a nice visual break with the best of them! Thankyou for reminding me.
That visit that your parents took you on to impress on you: ""If you don't stop being angry you will turn out to be like uncle XXXX." was so abusive. It is the incidious, crazy-making, passive/agressive type of abuse, like that experience, that leaves deep impressions and causes stuff like paranoia and sometimes worse. Totally invalidating your right to feeeeeeel anger! You will get reallly, realllllly sick if you feeeeel angry!
You will end up in this crazy, scarey place forever, if you don't stop feeeeling angry! And instead, feeeeeeeeel afraid! Yes, very afraid of what will happen if you feeeeeel angry!! FEAR! Take FEAR instead!
I'm glad you can now see what that incident really was and I hope you have learned to voice your right to feeeeel, simply because you feel. Your feelings are valid Flower and they will never make you into your uncle!
Hey Discounted Girl:
The insertion of doubt your parents tried so hard to plant, as Flower says, is another incidious, crazy-making, passive/agressive type of abuse. It's so much easier to tell we are being abused when someone just bashes us in the head, isn't it? But when they inject little bits of confusion, try to make us feel bad about ourselves (when they see that we feel good about ourselves), fear that we are missing something, doubt that we are doing the right things and becoming successful, well, that is just sooooooo tough to figger out sometimes, isn't it? I'm glad you're getting on with your life and leaving all that stupid doubt serum behind! It's another waste of time/circular emotion stirring up and stifling type of abuse, isn't it? So sneaky and conniving! I'm glad your breathing fresh air, Discounted Girl! Spitting that serum out!
Dinny: I know the fear your father infused, with such vigor. I have to remind myself that people who try so hard to infuse you with fear are most often the ones who are the most afraid. This theory seems to prove itself true, over and over. It has helped me to face those fear-spraying-types head on. It is so sad and infuriating that you have had to endure such a thing from your own father toward your own son, his grandchild!!!
On the other hand, if you let his behaviour cause you to feel extreme saddness and infuriation, you will be letting him get what he wants. That is: to sadden and infuriate you to the extreme. The way to deflate such situations, take that power away from the abuser, is to NOT let them create extreme and negative feelings in us, not let them see us swirm, not let them feel all-powerful. It's a tough thing to do but I find it so much easier to recognize than the incidious, crazy-making, passive/agressive type of abuse is sometimes. At least you know what you're facing. Take the power away from it by validating your right to have feelings, by stopping the revolving circle of emotions that person is trying to create, and by not allowing those feelings to become so extreme that they dominate your life!!! Hope I haven't upset you, in any way, by saying this.
I'm going to check out Palsm 27, take off to run around and do my stuff, and I will remember to take a breath of fresh air, every so often, today.
Hope you will all sway in the breeze a lot today too!
s
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thank you thank you ,,, little steel magnolia :) for the Bible message. It made my day. Thanks to all of you for your warm considerations and support. It means more to me than I am able to say. :)
I have questioned whether I should post the scripture here or just a link, but the bible.com link does not reference the page/verse; and, noone is forced to read it of course, so here it is:
Psalms 27
1 The LORD is my light and my salvation; whom shall I fear? the LORD is the strength of my life; of whom shall I be afraid? 2 When the wicked, even mine enemies and my foes, came upon me to eat up my flesh, they stumbled and fell. 3 Though an host should encamp against me, my heart shall not fear: though war should rise against me, in this will I be confident. 4 One thing have I desired of the LORD, that will I seek after; that I may dwell in the house of the LORD all the days of my life, to behold the beauty of the LORD, and to enquire in his temple. 5 For in the time of trouble he shall hide me in his pavilion: in the secret of his tabernacle shall he hide me; he shall set me up upon a rock. 6 And now shall mine head be lifted up above mine enemies round about me: therefore will I offer in his tabernacle sacrifices of joy; I will sing, yea, I will sing praises unto the LORD. 7 Hear, O LORD, when I cry with my voice: have mercy also upon me, and answer me. 8 When thou saidst, Seek ye my face; my heart said unto thee, Thy face, LORD, will I seek. 9 Hide not thy face far from me; put not thy servant away in anger: thou hast been my help; leave me not, neither forsake me, O God of my salvation. 10 When my father and my mother forsake me, then the LORD will take me up. 11 Teach me thy way, O LORD, and lead me in a plain path, because of mine enemies. 12 Deliver me not over unto the will of mine enemies: for false witnesses are risen up against me, and such as breathe out cruelty. 13 I had fainted, unless I had believed to see the goodness of the LORD in the land of the living. 14 Wait on the LORD: be of good courage, and he shall strengthen thine heart: wait, I say, on the LORD.
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Hi everybody:
Hey Flower said:
"Today your intial "s" symbolizes for me sunshine streaming through the window brightening up the room on a cloudy day! I think of you as sunshine today. "
You are too kind. Thankyou for such nice words Flower. I mean it! Keep in mind, some may think that initial "s" stands for a number of dark, not so enlightening streams of stuff (hopefully there are less of those type of thinkers around).
I gotta tell ya though, about Palsm 27. This may sound too weird but it's true. I did go and read it. My book mark was already there!!!! I don't know if I quit reading there last time, or if I got something out of it and marked it or what? It's a great Palsm (mine is a bit different but it's the same message). Thanks for reminding me to stick with that which has so far sustained me. I've been lax for awhile. Basking in my misery.
"I am happy that you are growing and feel a bit of the weight lifted, S! I see us all as learning here and benefiting from each others insight and experience. I appreciate your perspective. "
Thanks Flower. I'm happy to be crawling out of the pit of grief too. I can't stay there forever. It's not helping and I can't fix anything by wallowing in it. I appreciate all the perspectives here and I see us all learning and benefiting too. I'm tired of being stuck in grief-mode.
You said: "I am going to take my time processing this new event. I'm not going to react. I'm going to decide how this effects me." in regards to the letter you received.
Good for you Flower!!! Whatever you decide, you will be prepared and have a plan. Rather than just rip the thing to pieces or rip it open and read it and then react, you've taken the time to plan ahead (like Noah did, building that darn ark when it wasn't even raining- my new favorite quote-gone-joke). Yay!!! for Progress!!! Thata girl!!!
You can decide what to do about it so much more clearly by doing it this way! I'm glad for you and I hope whatever you decide, you won't let it push any nasty buttons!! Keep that mist handy to float all that away with.
"Thank you , S. I consider what you wrote above aa gift to me.
You put into words an understanding of how my parents undermined my very self concept. I had a panic attack as a child that I was going to go crazy after those words of warning from my mom about turning into my uncle. Then it turned into a panic attack that I was crazy. Somehow I recovered enough to go on with things, but I do think it caused self-doubt in me that I struggle against. Nmom has used doubt and fear to dominate me. I will no longer listen to her words. I pushed the off button on that!"
This is great progress too!!! Good for you Flower! A gift? Yes, you are right because I bothered to think about it and bothered to take the time to write it and post it, so yes, it was a gift and you are very welcome (I almost said what I usually say--oh never mind! it was nothing!--see, I'm making a bit of progress too).
N's use fear, induce fear, spread fear, try to force fear, etc...because they...in my opinion....are full of fear themselves.
They are afraid of the truth, afraid of facing their own behaviour, afraid no one loves them or will love them, afraid to be all alone, afraid of their own shaddow, afraid, afraid, afraid.....etc....and they splash that fear around, as often as possible, because they want to feeeeeeeeel normal. They want others to be full of fear like them.....so that they can feel the same as everybody else. They thrive in fear because it is all they know. They are full of fear and they disperse it in obvious and sometimes, as your parents did, in slow, sneaky, incidiously cruel ways.
This may generate anger and all kinds of other perfectly valid feelings in us, which we are entitled to feel, but my way of dealing with them, which has so far, worked, is to not let them have that power over me. I reject the anger they try to induce (not always but if I catch myself quick enough) and I reject the fear they are trying to deposit and whatever other negative emotions they are trying to generate in me. When I am able to do that.....and choose a more effective way of behaving toward them....
a) they become confused and b) they usually look for easier targets.
Well, enough of my jabbering. I am going away tomorrow and won't be back until Mon. evening. Travelling aways to see some people I haven't seen in awhile and really looking forward to it.
Hope you all have a great week end and I thank you all for your insight and for your many gifts. They are truly precious.
s