Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival => Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board => Topic started by: Certain Hope on June 25, 2008, 11:20:09 AM
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Dealing With Your Abuser: When Words Won't Work, by Dr. Irene http://www.drirene.com/when_words.htm (http://www.drirene.com/when_words.htm)
"How To Deal With An Abuser Without Getting Defensive"
teaches victims to stop defending themselves verbally, a variation of approval-seeking - and begin to take responsibility for themselves.
For example, in response to "You're too sensitive,"
the victim might answer, "Yes. Respect it."
instead of "No I'm not...explanation, explanation."
Not defending yourself verbally is about disengaging.
You take responsibility for yourself when you don't allow the other person to push your buttons and "make you" react.
No one "makes you" do anything! You react because you haven't yet cultivated more effective, verbal and cognitive skills.
When someone "pushes your buttons," they have simply extended you an invitation to participate in an interaction.
Plainly, they've baited you!
But you don't have to buy into it. Disengage!
Ellis and Lange's How To Keep People From Pushing Your Buttons, is a wonderful book that systematically teaches you how to disengage.
There are times words won't work/are not appropriate:
* when your situation is dangerous
* when you haven't yet developed the right underlying attitude and skills to pull it off
* when your situation is too far gone.
Clearly, if you are in any kind of physical danger, do not incite your abuser by standing up to him or her verbally. Have a safety plan prepared ahead of time if you have fear or there is any history of violence. (Better safe than sorry!)
Words won't work when you don't have the right attitude. If you haven't yet reached the point where you recognize that it is OK to be sensitive, for example, your abuser's next statement will make you fold.
Monday morning quarterback these situations and play back what you said. Experiment with what you could have said.
Doing these exercises will help you develop the appropriate cognitive (thinking) and verbal skills you will need to verbally disengage and/or stand up to your abuser.
Suzette Haden Elgin's You Can't Say That To Me! will give you ideas regarding what kinds of comments another may make that are inappropriate and how to handle them.
Words also won't work when your situation has gone too far. ** You have already lost all your negotiating power when your abuser is telling you to leave, or is overly disrespectful.
You will see some examples of situations I feel have gone too far in my replies to the posts in standing up to your abuser.
What do I do when words won't work?
Well, there are few choices left.
The most effective method I know for regaining your power, let alone your self-esteem - is to back off.
Backing off can mean anything from walking out and filing for divorce to seriously thinking about leaving and making your plans,
to going to mom's for a week, to taking a walk around the block to chill, to caring less because you recognize your powerlessness over your partner.
Backing off is what relatively healthy people - who take care of themselves emotionally - instinctively do when confronted with others who hurt them.
Think: Would you hold your hand over an open fire? Of course not. You would remove your hand immediately!
Unfortunately, the codependent mind-set too often operates along the lines of keeping your hand in the fire because you need the warmth and hope the fire will recognize how much you care and stop burning you. Fat chance!
Learning to disengage and exhibit assertive verbal behavior will not fix your marriage, though some marriages may improve.
These skills will increase your personal power: you will feel better about yourself and your increased sense of control over your life.
********************************************************************************************************************
** My own note - imo, "the situation has gone too far" - immediately, from the get go - when dealing with a pathological narcissist, sociopath, psychopath, or any other path without a conscience. With such individuals, words are made to be twisted... and "no" is simply an invitation to search for more devious ways to enforce their own "yes".
Carolyn
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This sort of thing happened to me yesterday! My (BPD) partner had been out of town over the weekend, and returned a little early Monday morning. Which was fine, but I had planned to let our son have a play date with a friend mine who lives a distance away (40 mins.) so there would be a drive back and forth. I told him he could play from 11 am to 4 pm so I would avoid the bulk of traffic.
My partner was appalled at my “bad planning”. “No one makes plans to pick up their kid that close to rush hour!” Huh?
I also had put out packages for the mailman to pick up. Normally, I am here and he can just ring the bell. But since I was going to be in and out, I put the packages out on the front porch. Apparently, I put an envelope on top of the packages not realizing it was there. Again, I got, “I cannot believe you would put an envelope on top of the packages! What if it had blown away? My God!”
So, what stemmed from all of this, was a confusing, weird, strange, convoluted conversation that felt very weird to me.
And it was all done via email because we have a person working for us and it would have been bad if we were arguing out loud in front of her!
So, it’s kinda fortunate that I have it all in email!
It ended up that I got sucked into the game at first, defending my choices and trying to explain why I did what I did.
Then, it occurred to me (because of our meta-communication discussion on the Board!) that there was more to this (a deeper level). He in the past has accused me of cheating (or wanting to for goodness sake - just because of a "feeling" he got). I thought maybe the same thing was happening here and he really wanted to know if I had been planning to cheat on him! And I responded with this email:
I'd rather not communicate on this level. Why not just ask the real question? You don't really care that I "left a letter outside" or that I "scheduled something too close to rush hour". You are wondering if....._______.
Please just ask it. Don't do this merry little dance. Just ask.
I get the communication between the communication.
If we can just talk and get the real messages to each other that we want, that's what matters.
Like:
I want you to be able to get a good night's sleep before you come home from your trips and not feel like you have to race home to check on me.
I want you to trust me when I am out in my car, running errands, bringing (our son) here and there. I don't have an outside agenda. There's nothing to be suspicious of.
When either of us is feeling insecure it would be nice to have a safe place to discuss it. The way to create a safe space is to just ask, not plant some weird suggestions that "something weird" is going on. Please just ask.
Thank you.
I love you.
He responded by saying that he wanted to only talk about his feelings, which didn’t make sense to me ( maybe he just wanted to be “heard”?) But from then on, it was much easier to communicate with him. We were able to work it out.
Very interesting thread, very “real-life” applicable! Thanks!
Dandylife
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Oh, Dandy... I remember those conversations just like it was yesterday.
You have a tremendous amount of patience!
And it sounds like you're being met at least part-way....
not only are you willing to read between the lines,
but your partner is willing to let you.
That's not always the case, as the ability to read between can sometimes stir up even more anger in the other.
Glad this helped! And very glad you were able to reach some steadier ground on which to communicate with him.
Carolyn
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Thank you Hope. Backing off can mean great losses at times, but sometimes it is the
right (corrected ) only appropriate thing to do...
Love,
Changing
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Thank you Hope. Backing off can mean great losses at times, but sometimes it is the right (corrected ) only appropriate thing to do...
Love,
Changing
((((((((Changing)))))))) yes, sometimes it is. Thank you.
Love,
Carolyn
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Dealing With Your Abuser: When Words Won't Work, by Dr. Irene http://www.drirene.com/when_words.htm (http://www.drirene.com/when_words.htm)
"How To Deal With An Abuser Without Getting Defensive"
teaches victims to stop defending themselves verbally, a variation of approval-seeking - and begin to take responsibility for themselves.
For example, in response to "You're too sensitive,"
the victim might answer, "Yes. Respect it."
instead of "No I'm not...explanation, explanation."
Not defending yourself verbally is about disengaging.
You take responsibility for yourself when you don't allow the other person to push your buttons and "make you" react.
No one "makes you" do anything! You react because you haven't yet cultivated more effective, verbal and cognitive skills.
When someone "pushes your buttons," they have simply extended you an invitation to participate in an interaction.
Plainly, they've baited you!
But you don't have to buy into it. Disengage!
Ellis and Lange's How To Keep People From Pushing Your Buttons, is a wonderful book that systematically teaches you how to disengage.
There are times words won't work/are not appropriate:
* when your situation is dangerous
* when you haven't yet developed the right underlying attitude and skills to pull it off
* when your situation is too far gone.
Clearly, if you are in any kind of physical danger, do not incite your abuser by standing up to him or her verbally. Have a safety plan prepared ahead of time if you have fear or there is any history of violence. (Better safe than sorry!)
Words won't work when you don't have the right attitude. If you haven't yet reached the point where you recognize that it is OK to be sensitive, for example, your abuser's next statement will make you fold.
Monday morning quarterback these situations and play back what you said. Experiment with what you could have said.
Doing these exercises will help you develop the appropriate cognitive (thinking) and verbal skills you will need to verbally disengage and/or stand up to your abuser.
Suzette Haden Elgin's You Can't Say That To Me! will give you ideas regarding what kinds of comments another may make that are inappropriate and how to handle them.
Words also won't work when your situation has gone too far. ** You have already lost all your negotiating power when your abuser is telling you to leave, or is overly disrespectful.
You will see some examples of situations I feel have gone too far in my replies to the posts in standing up to your abuser.
What do I do when words won't work?
Well, there are few choices left.
The most effective method I know for regaining your power, let alone your self-esteem - is to back off.
Backing off can mean anything from walking out and filing for divorce to seriously thinking about leaving and making your plans,
to going to mom's for a week, to taking a walk around the block to chill, to caring less because you recognize your powerlessness over your partner.
Backing off is what relatively healthy people - who take care of themselves emotionally - instinctively do when confronted with others who hurt them.
Think: Would you hold your hand over an open fire? Of course not. You would remove your hand immediately!
Unfortunately, the codependent mind-set too often operates along the lines of keeping your hand in the fire because you need the warmth and hope the fire will recognize how much you care and stop burning you. Fat chance!
Learning to disengage and exhibit assertive verbal behavior will not fix your marriage, though some marriages may improve.
These skills will increase your personal power: you will feel better about yourself and your increased sense of control over your life.
********************************************************************************************************************
** My own note - imo, "the situation has gone too far" - immediately, from the get go - when dealing with a pathological narcissist, sociopath, psychopath, or any other path without a conscience. With such individuals, words are made to be twisted... and "no" is simply an invitation to search for more devious ways to enforce their own "yes".
Carolyn
Beared repeating and.....
bless you Carloyn....
you're posting directly to my heart lately.
Lighter
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Dear Lighter,
Here's an article you might appreciate for your little ones... re: prevention of bullying in the classroom.
http://www.myparentime.com/articles/08/articleS684.shtml (http://www.myparentime.com/articles/08/articleS684.shtml)
I'm reviewing it with my son, who is one of the smaller boys in his age-group. Although he's quite well liked at school, he's asked me about some encounters he's had on the bus, for instance, where a much larger child (even a couple girls and kids younger than he!) have gotten pushy with him.
We signed him up for mixed martial arts training, as well, as a confidence booster... and it's helping. Last night he received his high-white belt. Only the beginning, but I can already see the difference. When his teacher called him up front to receive his new belt, he used the wrong last name (my married name). My son stood there for a moment and corrected him, giving his correct last name. I was amazed! Before, his shyness may not have allowed him to set that straight.
Anyhow, hope you like the article.
Love,
Carolyn
P.S. This one is just plain cute... lol http://204.15.15.32/videoserver/video.php?clip=CCNT2049
It's Dr. Henry Cloud, co-author of the Boundaries books, in a short video.
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Wow, reading this I remember using your examples without consciencely knowing how or why I chose to. It's a relief to find out my self preservation instincts have stayed with me when I felt I had become total lost to myself. Nogadge
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Ditto what's been said here. My NF constantly manipulated his family members into defending/explaining themselves. It was a hard habit to break, having grown up with it. He was especially fond of starting conversations with directives, such as "YOU think..." Telling me ahead what I believed, so that the rest of the maneuver would go according to plan (he spends hours imagining how conversations will progress, so he can redirect if necessary). One of the worst things we could do was reply with "I don't think that..." because he'd have a long list of examples/"evidence" and require an explanation for each, trying to confuse and confound his targets. He was also, however, fond of saying "huh," in a disbelieving tone when someone tried to express themselves. Recently he called, drunk, and started with the accusations. When he was done I said, "huh." He said, "Huh? What does huh mean?" I said, "the same thing it meant all the times you said it to me."
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Hi, Nogadge,
Glad you are recognizing that you do have some healthy crud-resistance within you!
I always had a love for stuff that makes sense. NPD arguments and contrived defenses make zero sense, so my eagerness to figure it out is what spared me a complete breakdown, I think. But I never, ever had an awareness of some of the most basic human rights which I should have been exercising.
Hello, Gjazz,
You've described something very familiar, yes. Trying to talk with a manipulator... where you are supposed to explain every jot and tittle, but he is allowed to take giant leaps of logic AND presume to be able to read your mind. Sickening. I'm sorry you're still being exposed to this junk, but maybe it's healing to be able to give him a dose of his own medicine... I don't know.
Carolyn
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For me, what's healing is not fearing him. Looking back, so much energy was spent preparing to defend myself. But it took me a long time and much distance to get free of it, and I still have twinges. Because he has learned I won't play anymore--I absolutely, 100% NEVER explain myself to him, nor do I share important information about my life with him--he has largely backed off. The subsequent challenge is not becoming defensive or fearful when other people ask personal questions, or question my choices or decisions. It's a trust issue for me now, and trust still isn't my strong suit.
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Gjazz,
I understand.
I can tell anyone just about anything about myself personally...
but explaining to them why I think a certain way or my reasoning for choosing a particular route... no, I must reserve that for intimate relationships.
My mother is the one in my life who always demanded explanations and wanted to know what was my "plan".
On the flip side, she hated it when I'd try to explain myself to someone she viewed as a competitor... like... my husband.
Here on this board, I've found folks who are willing to genuinely listen and help me to think things through... without casting judgment every step of the way.
Learning discretion in making choices re: this sharing is what takes time and practice, in my experience.
At first, it was such a relief to have some listening ears that I'd just splat it all out there on the table and make a royal mess.
Not too wise... but I guess that's what I had to go through in order to begin to learn to choose more wisely.
My mother is very elderly now and often I still feel bad/guilty for having removed her from the loop of my life.... but I'll live much more peacefully with that bit of guilt than if I re-opened myself to the sort of bludgeoning which I know she is still very capable of giving. So... I guess it's all about getting more experience with weighing the pros and cons. I'm very glad that I've shared what I have here... but it's alot more difficult in 3-D, where you have to see the look in peoples' eyes that tells you that you shared too much.
Does get easier, though.
Carolyn
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I know what you mean about feeling bad/guilty about having removed a now-elderly parent from the loop of your life. I feel it too. And the truth is, he's better now than he used to be. He even apologized (as must as he'll ever be able) a couple years ago by saying, "I'm trying to figure out who I was back then." But alas, he always reverts. So I had to decide: him or me. I still see him a few times a year. He's still the outwardly charming, outsized personality guy with expensive toys he always was. But he can't change fundamentally any more than a tiger can change its stripes. And I know what you are saying about sharing carefully. I read a great deal here, before I engage.
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Oh, my,
Gjazz, not long ago, I would have jumped over the moon to hear my mother express even the slightest indication that there is a remote possibility she might have been clueless at some point in history...
thanks for reminding me that it would still not really change a thing.
My ex-husband was a much more obvious NPD'd individual than my mother and he seemed more aware of his issues than my mother ever has. I mean, there were a few (rare) occasions when he was capable of appearing at least a little bit humbled.
Do you ever feel like you should reach a point where this shouldn't bother you anymore... ? I do. Often. But I just don't think it's possible to remain human and undisturbed by this sort of behavior/attitude within an intimate relationship. I really don't. (sorry about all the "shoulds", but that is how I hear it in my own head)
Carolyn
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Well, I should give you some background: my father once tried to murder my mother in a certain way. A few years ago there was a sensational murder (husband against wife) in the news for months, and it happened that my cousin was a close friend of the couple and testified. So we were all talking about this murder when my father and his current wife were here, and he became very uncomfortable, and the subsequent, immediate private "admission" of his past behaviors had to do, I believe, with fear someone would mention to his wife what he did to my mother. Which is a long way of saying: it was all just crocodile tears.
That said, I have to tell you very honestly: I still have fits of rage at the way my father behaved. But very, very rarely. It used to consume me. In my twenties I could barely control it, and put all my energy into work. I thought it would haunt me forever. Not true. The deeply emotional responses, having been experienced long and hard, are gone. I think about it. I've researched his background--he was a product of his environment, the wealthy, favored, pampered, proverbial Golden Child. I understand it. But I'm MOSTLY past hurting about it. I remember once telling myself: you walked away physically when you had to. Walk away mentally now. To the best of my admittedly imperfect ability, that's what I've done. But I wouldn't be here at all if there wasn't residual pain and frustration.
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Gjazz, I'm so sorry. I really can't even imagine... don't think I'd ever be able to see him again, after something like that.
Were you still in the family home when this happened? I mean, were you forced to have ongoing contact with your father afterward?
And I'm sorry... if you have said, I've missed it, but if you don't mind saying - are you male or female?
Well, I have more questions than anything and I don't know whether you are even of a mind to tackle those. My own situation is so ordinary compared to yours, that I don't know whether you'll want to continue discussing... so I'll wait to hear back from you.
Carolyn
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I'm female. I have no problem discussing any of this rather colorful past. I was 14--still in the family home after this took place, though I didn't find out about it until twenty years later--despite the fact that my older brother caught him in the act and stopped him. Ours was a big house of many big secrets--one of which, I believe but cannot prove, was that my father's own father killed his first wife. Or, if you wish to go with the official story, she passed away suddenly in his car on the way to the hospital of "appendicitis," leaving my grandfather free to marry his pregnant secretary. She had refused him a divorce because she was Catholic. There was an immediate cremation and no death certificate--nor was there a birth certificate for my aunt, born seven months later, something she didn't learn until she first applied for a passport in her fifties. In my F's case, the bottom line was he wanted a divorce and all the money. Not very original. My mother comes from an old world sort of family and so, yes, to this day my father is formally invited to holiday celebrations and the like. At her home. And he attends. Past unpleasantness is not discussed. His current wife is the same age as my younger brother. She attends also, of course, but as my mother never remarried (go figure) he sits at the head of the table. Surreal? Well we're used to it. My mother and I are quite close (I have three brothers but no sisters), a result of living with a misogynist sociopath and surviving. Sometimes we get together and worry about his current wife (his second one became an alcoholic, ended up in a mental hospital and now, I believe, lives with nuns in Massachusetts). But she's made of pretty stern stuff and he's older now, in his sixties. Not the terror he once was. My brothers have a really hard time now--they are all so dedicated to being men completely unlike their father, and I think that's hard, not being able to respect him or turn to him ever for advice or guidance. I got used to it long ago, because he loathes females, but they held out hope into adulthood.
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(((((Gjazz))))) that is so wild. I feel so bad for you and your brothers... and your mother, to be so bound by... custom ? tradition ?... that he's still seated as head, in the place of power and honor.
Is his current wife aware of all these things?
Even with just the very small amount of dysfunction within my own family home, which involved no blatant abuse, I've struggled to come to terms with - what is normal?
As a miniscule example - the perfectionism with which I grew up - has had the effect of leaving me always unsure, out of touch with - how much is enough? how hard must I work and how much must I complete before I might rest? And how bad or disordered is it okay to let stuff get before I should get myself moving to tackle it again?
That is so lame, but the only example of which I can think right now, in order to ask you...
What question or questions still trouble you?
Carolyn
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I relate to your perfectionism. My mother has that streak (this may seem odd, given the above) and I have it a bit too. Tradition, custom...let's call it "etiquette." Really, that's what drivers her. Propriety. And also, in fairness, a sense of decency and genuine love for her family. I'd say his current wife does not know any of this--because everything she hears has been passed through The Filter.
Regarding questions: not many. I come here because I find it helpful to read posts from people who have lived with similar dynamics. I spent so many years as an emotional wreck, but certainly never let that show (improper), finally I moved away, let myself feel all the things I needed to, moved on to THINKING about it all--making sense of him--which for me, took the power back, away from him. Where I am now is moving past blaming him for things wrong in my life now. He made a victim of me as a child; I'll be damned if he makes one of me as an adult.
And you know what? This may sounds really gallows but it's not, entirely: my family's story would make as good a comedy as a tragedy. It IS wild. And at times, freaking hilarious.
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And you know what? This may sounds really gallows but it's not, entirely: my family's story would make as good a comedy as a tragedy. It IS wild. And at times, freaking hilarious.
Oh, I get it, Gjazz!
My kids and I have that same dark humor. It's sure helpful sometimes.
CB
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If I couldn't laugh, I'd have lost my mind. My mom laughs now, looking back, too--at times we both end up with tears running down our cheeks. Comedy is borne of tragedy. And laughter can be healing. Glad you have it in your life too, CB!
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wow! Nogadge
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Thanks, Gjazz.
I seem to have lost the tragedy>comedy link, somewhere along the way.
When NPD-ex was still in the picture, my kids and I did try to laugh at some of his antics, because... yeah, it was either get hilarious or go bonkers.
But growing up, my Dad always tended to make everything into a joke (unless it was something important to him :shock:), which... I can see the value of it, in moderation, but also it kept me from learning how to process alot of feelings which could have better been approached with a pair of listening ears and some tender caring.
eek... snapping out of it now... taking myself too seriously here, I can feel it.
Thanks for the wake-up!
Carolyn
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Not taking yourself too seriously--my NF did and does EXACTLY the same thing. Everything's a joke. That way, he's never called on anything--if you do, "sheesh, learn to take a joke." (as long as it's on you, right?)
The key is distance: I'd never laugh at someone in pain. But I know, from having been in pain, to laugh at elements of the situation later--the absurdity, the waste, the foolishness. It's a way of looking at the world, maybe even an extension of the old "accept what you cannot change" dictum. And go one further: turn it around. There's a time for immersing yourself in the pain. And a time to rise above it. And a time to turn it all around and use it as fuel.
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--
"What doesn't kill you makes you stranger." The Joker, Batman: The Dark Knight
:lol:
Dandylife
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And stranger--in my creative line of work--is a very good thing. Exactly, dandylife!
The key is doing what works for you. What works for me might never work for someone else. But I wouldn't give up being able to look back and laugh for an extra twenty years on this earth. Or jewels, if that's what you're into.
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Gjazz,
Thank you again. You got me thinking about this and I can see at least part of what (I think) has happened.
I thought I'd been able to dismiss most of the nonsense involved with NPD ex-husband... and, to a lesser extent, my previous husband - my childrens' dad - who is a child abuser.
I can laugh at a good portion of those messes... as you've said - the absurdity, the waste and foolishness. Admittedly, laughing at the past is alot easier when this sort of toxicity has been encountered in casual aquaintances, and not within the sanctuary of inner life, but... yeah, I see.
Anyhow, where I was going with this is - - seems like I haven't really gotten over the horrors with these men nearly so much as I've effectively transferred the bulk of the baggage from those messes over into my parents' camp. In other words, feels like I've blamed my parents for the lot of it... and that's why the tragedy has never converted to comedy - - - because I'm still holding them responsible for who I am now.
Yikes. I'm doing it to myself by refusing to grow up in that most basic area, I think!
In the little book How To Be An Adult, David Richio writes a wonderful summary of the Declarations of Healthy Adulthood. The very first item on the list is:
I accept full responsibility for the shape my life has taken.
Well... I have not. But now I choose to... because I want to see the comedy, too... and to release the creativity which has been dammed up for so long.
It's about time!
Carolyn
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I could never see humor in child abuse, nor animal abuse. I cannot stand bullies but they are, to me, cowards, and generally adults acting out like children. I don't mean it's possible to look back and see humor in every situation or laugh at everything that occurred. But I do think it's possible to channel some of the resulting anger in another direction. If that makes sense!
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- seems like I haven't really gotten over the horrors with these men nearly so much as I've effectively transferred the bulk of the baggage from those messes over into my parents' camp. In other words, feels like I've blamed my parents for the lot of it..
Hi Carolyn,
I completely agree with the transfer of baggage from ex-N to our N parents. Based on what I've read, we picked an N spouse/N lover because we were raised by N parents. We did this because we saw/felt the Nness of our parents in our N spouse/N lover and so we were attracted to the familiar. "Normal" (non-Nness) did not feel familiar, so we did not choose "normal" N spouses/N lovers.
For me, this transfer of baggage is not about blaming my N parents (because they probably didn't know they were Ns), but rather finding the source for Nism in my life. This transfer of baggage puts Nism into a big picture, from which I can step back and see how & where Nism originated in my life.
gjazz,
I'm sorry for all the pain you went thru. I share your tragic-comedy/surrealism viewpoint. Are you familiar with the writer Samuel Beckett? He is my favorite absurd black humorist. Gjazz, you sound extremely well adjusted to all the insanity, which seems to continue to the present day. I'm sure you're not unscathed, but you sound very balanced and wise.
ann
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Hi Ann3:
I do know Samuel Beckett. I haven't read any of his stuff for at least fifteen years--maybe I should go back and revisit him. Thanks for your kind words. I agree with Carolyn here, too: there's power in saying my life is my responsibility. There's freedom in saying the future is mine to design my way. And while I know how frustrating and miserable it is when you feel you can't break free of past abuse, for me happiness comes with taking the reins away from people who would hurt me.
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Hi, Ann,
Yes, you're right... N'ness felt familiar.
It's a blessing that you're able to see the bigger picture of NPD and put all of these things into perspective.
I'm still getting accustomed to the reality that I actually was blaming my parents for the condition of the rest of my life.
Now that I've said it, I believe that it's possible to move on.
Hi again, Gjazz,
There's freedom in saying the future is mine to design my way. And while I know how frustrating and miserable it is when you feel you can't break free of past abuse, for me happiness comes with taking the reins away from people who would hurt me.
Exactly!
Thank you so much.
This has helped alot.
Sincerely,
Carolyn