Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival => Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board => Topic started by: Sela on June 25, 2008, 10:53:46 PM
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Hi all,
As a child, I used to chant in my own head:
"Sticks and stones can break my bones but words will never hurt me!" and I believed it!
So many times I let messy words wash off me like water off a duck.
As I grew older, words from people I wasn't close to didn't matter but those from people I trusted and cared for......did. Somehow, my defense system was weakening??
After living through many truamas and nasty experiences and having a cazillion hurtful words hurled at me (over the years)......I felt great emotional pain and even lately....the sting of some words have really knocked me over ( :shock: first it's shock and then :( I feel sad and then.....if I'm lucky.....I remember they are only words :roll:). This can happen even when the words comes from someone I hardly know!!
Maybe it would be good to revert back to that old childhood coping mechanism and put a wall up in my head and a steel casing around my heart but I'm not sure how to do that. :?:
Probably I need to do some real deep relaxation, visualization and do the chant thingy enough times to make it my default pop-up whenever I encounter such words from now on eh?
I used to think my belief system was pretty good but now, I'm house-cleaning my head a bit and finding stuff that needs revamping. Go figger?
I guess the reason I've made such a turn around is because sometimes I've allowed words to hurt me and so I don't believe that chant to be true.
Not the case. The fact is......a big oak stick could easily crash my skull in, if it gets slammed into my head but words?
I have to allow them in.....and let them cause damage or else I make them truly harmless by choice.
Just something I was thinking about today.
Sela
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Great thought, Sela
I always believed that chant, as well.
I have NO idea when I realized it was the words that hurt the most. Another belief blown apart!
Thanks for the post!
Eye-opening!
xx
Izzy
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Dear Sela,
Maybe the chant to repeat is... "What they're saying about me is what they fear about themselves" ?
(or something to that effect, you know?)
Maybe it would be good to revert back to that old childhood coping mechanism and put a wall up in my head and a steel casing around my heart but I'm not sure how to do that.
I'm concerned about that... because some words need to get through to me, I know - when it's time for a shift of perspective or a change of attitude or actions.
Someplace I remember hearing that we can often learn a great deal from our enemies (maybe that's Biblical... seems so.)
The thing is, when it's God using someone's words to reach us - even those of an unfriendly "enemy" - those words will prick our hearts with conviction.
When it's not God, the words will be filled with condemnation.
And if our hearts were all encased in steel.... how would we know the difference?
All of the above is only my opinion, of course.
Bunches of love,
Carolyn
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Thanks Carolyn,
I like that new mantra! Good one!
Perhaps "steel" was the wrong word to use. I dunno. Maybe rubber with a few holes in it?
The kind of hurtful words I'm talking about are not really anything one could take to be constructive or useful.
For instance: My exH, who, after many years together, said to me: "I never loved you. I only used you."
:shock: :shock: :( :( :(
Or when a close family member declared we are "now enemies".
:shock: :shock: :( :( :(
Family? Enemies?
Now I understand that stuff like that has a lot more to do with the person saying it than it does with me and the best thing to do is to not take it personally. Not easy though eh? Not at all, imo.
love to you,
Sela
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(((((Sela))))) yes, maybe holey rubber would be better.
Those hurtful words that've been used as weapons against you... are beyond any understanding, I think... definitely not just shrugged off casually.
My childrens' dad, when I'd discovered what he'd been doing, said to me
"I'd kill you, if it wasn't for those kids."
Considering the source is the only way I know to put that rubbish to rest, Sela.
Love,
Carolyn
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Hi everyone,
Izzy, I'm very sorry that I somehow missed posting back to you here. I read your post and was thinking about it (not sure what to write and wanted to think some...then forgot to post.....duhhh!!!) :oops: :?.
I've been away at my cabin and that is the best place for me to do some real heavy duty thinking, it seems. Your words Iz:
I have NO idea when I realized it was the words that hurt the most. Another belief blown apart!
Really got me going and I still don't know how to respond. I think I will ask, if you would please, for more explanation. Do you believe the words hurt the most or not? It seems, not, since you said another belief blown apart but I'm not sure I understand correctly, so I thought I'd ask because I'm confused ( :roll: what else is new eh?).
Was it the words that hurt the most? I kept thinking about this.
It sure seemed like it was for me (since I was mostly "verbally" abused during that marriage and words were the weapon of choice). Do I believe that now? (that the words hurt the most). Do I think I really have the power to decide, always, every time, to NOT let words hurt me, from now on? Do I?
It doesn't seem possible this Wednesday but by tomorrow, I might change my mind again ( :roll: , I know. I'm a pain eh?). I just haven't decided that I can and will indeed re-train my brain to immediately think thoughts that won't allow such words to hurt me ever again and maybe I can.......or maybe I can't do that? :shock: :shock: :? :?
After all.......my heart is not made of steel. I'm not some robot that will be programmed without errors am I?
On the other hand, I believe so strongly in the power of thinking and have seen/experienced great results when I've worked at it.
Carolyn, those words were nasty!!! (from your ex). I can imagine, at the time, what that might have felt like on the receiving end. :( :( (((((Carolyn))))). I'm so glad you can now consider the source.
And I guess that's my point today. I agree with the idea that one can consider the source and sort out the rubbish. What I'm still wondering about is can I do that.......before the words get a chance to penetrate my heart? After all.......those kinds of words seem to always come as a total shock and I have not been prepared for them. How can I prepare properly for that? (Ya....I know....stay away from the N-ish!! I'll do my best).
"I never loved you. I only used you."
WTF???
Yes, consider the source. Consider the cruelty. Consider the desire to wound. Consider it worked and I don't want that to happen again! :x :x I don't want to give any person that kind of satisfaction....again!!!
Have words hurt so deeply that they still ring in your head? Has anyone developed a recipe to reject words that appear to be fuelled by cruelty and a desire to wound? I need that recipe please. :D
Sela
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hi Sela
I learned that chant when quite young, and when called a name, I would chant that and be okay after the fact (so I think I thought) but perhaps back then the words did hurt me and I tucked that hurt away unknowingly along with many hurts.
Over the years, especially in a family of 5 fighting siblings, where most 'bad words' were flung, I must have had more hurt build up unbeknownst to me. That would and did leave a pile of unresolved anger.
As I matured (a bit) I realized this, and now I know my truth has been revealed that they are now toxic people who I keep further than arm's length and all anger has dissipated.
So my belief that "names will never hurt me " was blown apart in later life, after much damage was done!
I also know now that it is not bad luck to put on one's left shoe first.
Izzy
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Thanks Izzy. Now I get it. Your belief, that was blown away, was the belief that words can't hurt and so now, you realize that words can and do hurt and that by using that "chant", what really happens is that the hurt is denied/deflected/not acknowledged and so in it's place......anger grows?? Hope I got that right. :wink:
Makes perfect sense. So then......is the way to prevent that anger from growing, the immediate/clear acknowledging of the hurt? Possibly voicing it? Better out than in......kinda idea?
I suppose your right there but my question is still......
How do I prevent myself from feeling hurt when nasty words (which are intended to wound, not help) are spewed at me in the first place (or can it be done)?
I don't expect there is an answer that would suit everyone. It's just something I've been turning around in my head because to this day.......over 30 years later......I still feel a twinge of deep pain when I recall his words. :( :( :oops: :oops: :oops:
(and more so.......I feel shame for not seeing and hearing and getting myself out of that situation and saving a whole wack of additional pain for myself and my children, who were born later). Maybe it's the shame that's keeping the pain alive?? :shock: :shock: Ofcourse, I felt shame too for ....
not being loveable and for only being usable.
:shock: :shock: Just realized that!! Maybe it is the shame that keeps the pain alive?
Maybe it's the fear that the words are true that creates the shame that keeps the pain alive?
Holey moley I'm on a roll ........!!!!
Sela
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Maybe it's the shame that's keeping the pain alive?? Ofcourse, I felt shame too for ....
not being loveable and for only being usable.
Just realized that!! Maybe it is the shame that keeps the pain alive?
Maybe it's the fear that the words are true that creates the shame that keeps the pain alive?
Holey moley I'm on a roll ........!!!!
Yes, you are... on a roll!
I think you've nailed it, Sela.
The shame keeps the pain alive.
It's like an example I read recently where someone tries to explain away your hurt by saying, "You're too sensitive".
The proper response given = "Yes, I am! Respect that!"
And - poof - the shame dissipates, giving the pain an opportunity to heal.
Instead of trying to stop being sensitive, we can accept ourselves - sensitivities and all - which acceptance will allow and empower us to work on those boundaries which will keep away those who refuse to show appropriate respect? Something like that?
Sorry, feeble attempts here... but I hope that makes sense.
Keep rolling!
Love,
Carolyn
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hi Sela
Yes you understand me now.....and now for more.
When I recognized the toxic people in my life and mentally removed them, the end result was that I was freed od resentments and anger.
I now know far more about myself, and if I were ever"called a name", I would know it to be untrue and it would fall in a puddle to the ground.
How do I prevent myself from feeling hurt when nasty words (which are intended to wound, not help) are spewed at me in the first place (or can it be done)?
I know I am not a liar, a cheat, a sponger, a wimp, stupid, ugly, useless whatever. Were I ever to be called that to my face I would just say, "I know I am not "___________", so__________! idea...whatever fits the situation. If we know ourselves well enough, we don't have to wonder if someone else's words about us are true. WE know they are false and the problem belongs to the other person.
It was not that way when I couldn't defend myself, stand up for my self, let alone know about myself, which knowledge I gained in bits and pieces and finally in the past few years.
Izzy
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Thanks Carolyn,
I'm sure I didn't have the proper boundaries back then or I would have bolted after hearing him say that. I'm sure the fact that I stayed induced shame and guilt for not having correct boundaries. Ofcourse, it wasn't my fault, as I was never taught....boundaries and had to figger it all out by myself (and I'm still doing that, I think).
I have a theory that fear is almost always at the root of so many feelings and again, I proved it to myself because it was really the fear......that his words were correct....that he had not loved me and only used me....and the insinuation, I suppose, the unspoken....."because you are not worthy/lovable....just an object to be used"........the fear that all that might be true that fertilized the shame and kept the pain alive for so long. Typical N-tactics, I guess.
So far, I don't have a terribly difficult time responding to "you" statements, when people outright accuse me directly of some nasty thing that I believe untrue (and I suspect....they are saying it just to cause hurt). No that's not the problem. It's statements that contain so many unspoken but clearly meant words, which are many times "I" statements. They shock me and I don't know how to respond, usually. I'm too busy trying to digest what the person is saying....maybe?
Izzy, thanks too. Yes, if someone says stuff like that....it's clear to me and I feel like I can respond, usually, without a whole lot of confusion.....and pain. I guess......fear again......I'm just not sure how much pain I can stand. Sometimes I feel like my limit is coming up soon and .......fear again.....what will happen after that? If I could just find a way to avoid feeling hurt by confusing N-statements from now on...... :roll:
I do think I can stand up for myself (and I'm glad you can and do too, Iz) in circumstances where people use directly accuse me or label me. It's the .....N-messages.....words not spoken but clearly meant to be heard and cause pain.....that I have trouble with.
"I can't stand those loser dances" someone said to me, one time, when I said I was on my way to a single parent's dance.
And the non-verbal junk that came with it....the smirky smile, the eye-batting. All so confusing. Made me wanna scream!!!
(well....back then. now....I'm just tossing it all around for another exam. I don't even remember what my response was. I just know those words stuck in my brain....and my heart. I was just starting to enjoy life again. I had spent an entire year sitting in a chair watching the cable channel, once the kids were asleep in the evening, because I couldn't tolerate to look at anything remotely emotional...which included pretty well everything on tv.....even the commercials). I was just climbing out of a deep pit of self-blame and lonliness and starting to connect with people and have some fun and then this person .....I trusted .....verbally slapped me like that.
And yep, that person is out of my life now too. Yay!
But those words .....the desire to hurt me hiding behind them.... the effectiveness of that technique both p's me off and worries me that I ......here I go again in circles.....
let it bother/hurt me. I want to avoid that, in future and I want to find a way to recognize when it's happening. Maybe I will because of these experiences? Fear again.....maybe I won't? :shock:
Sela
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"I can't stand those loser dances" someone said to me, one time, when I said I was on my way to a single parent's dance.
"Oh I love to dance, even if my partner's nose is stuck in my cleavage...especially when,,, Tah-Tah"
I don't know if I'd say that but I used to go to Parents Without Partners. As time progressed and I was the bookkeeper, I realized I was being used and I quit. My D hadn't made any long-lasting friends anyway. I realize now I made a good move without knowing it! Gut reaction, I guess.
Talking about watching anything emotional--that is, silly love stories--I don't watch them, nor read romance novels. Perhaps I am cynical about Love, but I'm 69 and past that stage. Although I still think young and I know how I would handle a romance now.
I have dreams of romance, and they are about a man I met about 15 years my junior, married with a little girl, but not happy because his wife was an alcoholic. We were what appeared to be "good friends". I saw him every Sunday evening when I went to work the Bingo for our Charity, and he was the Manager of two Bingo Halls. I was about 50 and he about 35 and he was strikingly, cutely, sexily handsome and with his skin colour I thought he was Native Canadian, but no! I never did find out. I cannot even remember what we talked about, but he liked me, as a friend, took me out for lunch, even came to my place one night with some buddies and brought me natchos, arranged a birthday cake party/gifts at the Bingo Hall after hours , Oh yes! My FIRST birthday Party....I had said in a previous post that I had never had a party....and always during the intermission, grabbed a chair and sat with me and we chatted. He said I was the only one who could balance the figures before leaving the Hall.
Nevertheless, it has been a long time since I have seen him....mid 90s?... when I quit the Fund-Raiser position. I always wonder why he is the one to show up in my dreams.... not often but when he does it is like a part of my life that I missed out on and affects me all day. There are others but dreaming of him takes a whole day to get over. Three years, once a week? I guess he stuck in my mind there somewhere until I reached a point of setting loose many thoughts.
So I read mystery novels. There might be a romance includeed but the relationship is more realistic.....doesn't always work out!
I don't think I made sense here!...a single's dance set me off!
xx
Izzy
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Aw Iz, you gave me a giggle there about the cleavage and what a great come back!
Would I have said that then? No. The person who said that to me about the dance knew my situation, knew what I'd been through and knew I had been in a very isolated place....that I was finally coming to the surface and said those words specifically....
to belittle me.....to undermine my choice.....to insult me and to hurt me (seems obvious now).
Which wouldn't matter really, if it weren't a person I cared about and trusted so much at the time. So you see.....I got that message clearly, which was confusing at first, because of the twisted smile and the eye thingy....but I did eventually get it. I doubt I could have thought to throw in a cute come back such as yours Iz. I was too busy trying to decipher the code.
Re. Your romance: Since the 90's eh? I wonder if they're still together?
Perhaps I am cynical about Love, but I'm 69 and past that stage.
Years ago I attended a lovely wedding of a couple in their early 80's. Is there really a time period on love Iz?
:D Sela
PS: Gotta go finish my weeding now and then we're all going for ice cream!!! I'm just like a little kid when it comes to ice cream!!! It's a rare treat and I plan on enjoying it!!!!! Have a great night all!
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So far, I don't have a terribly difficult time responding to "you" statements, when people outright accuse me directly of some nasty thing that I believe untrue (and I suspect....they are saying it just to cause hurt). No that's not the problem. It's statements that contain so many unspoken but clearly meant words, which are many times "I" statements. They shock me and I don't know how to respond, usually. I'm too busy trying to digest what the person is saying....maybe?
Yup.
((((((Sela)))))) Maybe it's possible to reach a point where people who veil their nasty little opinions beneath shmooze (or worse) will just keep their distance because they know we're vague-proof. Now there's a happy thought! :D
Love,
Carolyn
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Thanks for that happy thought Carolyn!
I've been thinking about it and especially about: vague-proof
Maybe that's the key for me? Maybe.....when I hear/sense/see confusing double-talk-code-embedded messages....
Maybe that's when I need to stop and put up the steel heart shield....consider the source....etc.?
Maybe then, I will not feel pain first and think second?
Maybe that's the recipe I've been searching for?
Or maybe I need a brain transplant? :mrgreen:
Oh Izzy! I was wondering.....have you ever been w/c dancing? I've seen it and it's sooo cool 8)! Looks very fun!! I bet you would enjoy spinning around to the music eh?
:D Sela
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hi Sela,
Yes w/c dancing in the Rehab hospital was fun. It was an exercise for us as well, but have never seen any advertised w/c dancing.
The "all grand change" in square dancing has been a great help in opening a door, spinning in and grabbing the next door to open, works so smoothly.
Izzy
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Too funny Iz!
I'll google and see what comes up.
:D Sela
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Thanks for that happy thought Carolyn!
I've been thinking about it and especially about: vague-proof
Maybe that's the key for me? Maybe.....when I hear/sense/see confusing double-talk-code-embedded messages....
Maybe that's when I need to stop and put up the steel heart shield....consider the source....etc.?
Maybe then, I will not feel pain first and think second?
Maybe that's the recipe I've been searching for?
I think so, Sela...
using the Ick-Factor as a guide.
Some folks speak confusion simply because they're confused, or shy, or fearful of being direct...
no steel-shield needed there, I don't guess.
But when you feel slimed as someone's being vague...
that's a pretty good indication that it's time to raise that shield, I'd say!
Love,
Carolyn
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Hi Carolyn,
At first I thought: "Oh no!! Another thingy to decipher!" but then I realized:
Some folks speak confusion simply because they're confused, or shy, or fearful of being direct...
Yes and it seems obvious when that happens. Their body language matches their words and there's no contradiction. There's no twitch in their eye or tilt to their head. No weird vibes in the air. Ya know?
And people who care or love me don't want to upset me. Their goal is to communicate not to confuse.
Let that be a lesson to me!! I sure hope huge red warning lights will flash and loud bells will start ringing, the next time I feel confused and then discover that malice!! And I hope I can come up with a firm but respectful response too!!
I can sense that desire to hurt. I just don't understand it.
Sela
PS: on edit......whenever I think I have made a bunch of spelling mistakes......spell check tells me different. :shock:
But when I think my spelling is fine........guess what spell check says?? :oops:
In this case.....it was the first case. Go figger?
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I can sense that desire to hurt. I just don't understand it.
Yes... I guess "they" have decided that someone must be punished...
and they've decided you're it...
and they're just the ones to carry out the sentence.
Pretty presumptuous, eh?
Hugs, Sela
Carolyn
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Yes, Carolyn.
Also......that over-stepping of boundaries and taking of liberties......makes me wonder:
Why? Why do "they" do that? What drives "them"? (and I'm not talking about anything accidental. that I can handle. It's that desire to hurt that I just don't get. :?). What causes that desire?
Sela
(now I'm starting to feel very sorry for such a person because I suspect the answer might be that they have been deeply wounded and unable to cope in an acceptable way. :( :(). It's a reason to pray for one's enemies, I think.
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Yes, Carolyn.
Also......that over-stepping of boundaries and taking of liberties......makes me wonder:
Why? Why do "they" do that? What drives "them"? (and I'm not talking about anything accidental. that I can handle. It's that desire to hurt that I just don't get. :?). What causes that desire?
Sela
(now I'm starting to feel very sorry for such a person because I suspect the answer might be that they have been deeply wounded and unable to cope in an acceptable way. :( :(). It's a reason to pray for one's enemies, I think.
Well... so many possibilities! Or maybe they're all just manifestations of the same issue?
Just speaking generally here, Sela... with a conglomeration of my own experience in mind...
they don't know where they leave off and you begin... ;
they consider you their personal property... ;
you are an object, to them, designed to meet their needs and desires...;
they're incapable of introspection and self awareness, so they spend all their time trying to meddle in your life.
Without appropriate boundaries, the wounder doesn't even see you as "other"...
you are just a face in the mirror which must be eradicated.
Or... if envy is driving it... you must be eradicated because you remind the wounder of all that she is not?
Why don't they just walk away, Sela? That's the part I don't get. Why must they stalk and continue stabbing at the air?
Because you have faced something with which they refuse to deal...
and the very fact that you exist is what fuels their rage.
Sela, I think it's rage from which the hurt has been dissociated.... often never to be reunited... because the person refuses to ever be vulnerable again, and so there can never be healing.
Feel sorry, yeah.... from a great distance.
Love,
Carolyn
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That's probably right Carolyn.
Still, makes me feel sad :( for that person. My father was such a person. Full of rage (and he kept it well hidden, when necessary). He was nasty and cruel. I never understood it but vowed (even as a small child) to NOT be like him. And ya.....feel sorry but at a distance. Yep. I did that.
I don't think I am like him. I've felt rage at times but managed to release it. I've been envious but not wanting to hurt or belittle or control or eliminate the person. I'm no saint either. I just don't have a desire for revenge and to cause pain (or whatever that is?).
Yes, why don't they walk away? I think what you wrote is exactly why. I've seen that recently with my sil (sister in law). She refuses to help my mil (mother in law) in any way, unless it suits her. Would you believe she wrote herself a cheque (from mil's book)....to pay for parking at the hospital....while mil was there recovering from a stroke? She has a good income and doesn't need the money.
Greed seems to be a big theme too, come to think of it! "They" are sooooo greedy!!
Here's one of those convo's that shocked me. I had offered to attend a care conference for fil (father in law), who is in a nursing home. Sil agreed and I said I'd report back if there was anything new (these are rather unexciting meetings between the staff and mil, never sil, tho I've gone with mil before, in which they update fil's care and the progress of his dementia...they talk about the drugs and what to increase/decrease, his weight gain/loss, etc. Nothing really exciting).
Anyway, on the morning of the meeting, I get a call from sil:
sil: "Hello Sela. Change of plans. You won't be going to the meeting. I'll be going."
me: "Oh..........would you like me to go with you? I can go if you like?"
sil: "Nope. It's my place. Ok? Goodbye!"
Click.
Her place eh? I think her place was to bring her mother fresh fruit when she complained of hunger. Maybe visit her every day (since she lives 5 min from the hospital and I live 35 min drive away)? Offer to take her mother home, since she has a fully equipped appartment that she could easily have shared in her house. At least, take her for a week end to give us a bit of relief (which she did....once.....when hubby coaxed....at Christmas....and she treated mil like crap and told her: "There won't be a next time!").
There won't be a next time? :shock: :shock: :x :x :x What a mean thing to say!!!
And when mil asked sil recently if mil could stay over night, one night, to do some packing and not have to drive all the way back out to our place (Yay!! Mil is driving again!! Yay for independance!!!). Sil's response:
"The bed is broke".
Hahahahahaha!! That would be halarious if it wasn't so pathetic!!
I think sil's place......would be to actually call.......once in awhile to see how mil is doing? Maybe offer to help pack up mil's house with her, which is now sold and must be emptied by July 31st. But who's place is it pack up the house? And who is helping? What does sil say about me to mil?
"Sela's too involved!""
You bet I am!! That's exactly what makes her look so bad eh? Makes her so envious! The fact that I am bothered to care for her mother more than she is!
Very sad. :( Very selfish!! :x Me me me..... me, me, me......me me me...me me!!
I can see exactly why my very existance fuels sil's rage.
What I hate.......is how it hurts.....mil. :( :( :(
Rather a rant there. Feels better. Thanks.
Sela
on edit: But walk away? Oh no, no, no!! Too busy protecting her inheritance!!
Sil took mil out to see fireworks and for pizza, at sil's house, the other night. At her convenience. Tough stuff eh?
Order a pizza.
Double edit: Do I feel sorry for sil?
Actually.....yes, I do. I feel very sad to think of what she's missing by the way she treats her mother. Not just her mother either. People. Lot's of people.
Anyhow.....like you say.....keep my distance is all I can do to avoid her wrath. I can just imagine what's gonna happen when mil passes away. :roll: It won't be pretty, I bet.
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(((((((Sela))))))) that is some nasty business.
At least you can enjoy your dear mother-in-law while she's here and treasure your time together.
That other woman can't. She can't truly find pleasure in anything. All she has is a heart-full of misery.
I wouldn't want to be within 100 miles of that s-i-l of yours when it's over.
Not for anything.
It surely will not be a pretty sight.
Carolyn
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Thanks for the hug Carolyn. Yes, yes and yes. I just hope my mil will live long enough to enjoy her new condo and take part in the activities, make some new friends and take it easy....have some fun. Her new place is 1/2 way between my house and work so I can check on her or run errands easily. God Knows sil won't do it.
Anyhow, see how I reacted to sil's "You won't be going to the meeting. I'll be going." ???
I was shocked. :shock:
Confused. :?
And dopey........."I can go if you like"
If she wanted me to go, she wouldn't be phoning to tell me .......order me.....not to go.
So I didn't get the message until I hung up the phone (it was so quick and so cold.....her tone).
I just feel ......like such a dummy when I do that.
It feels good to just say that. Not sure I'll ever react any better. If I wanted to give her such a message, I would have been polite and chit chatted a little. Told her I appreciated her desire and offer to help but that I'd decided I should go myself. I get all messed up when people act like her and wonder if I'll ever be able to get the message before saying something really stupid. :oops:
I feel like the only one who is so dense like that sometimes.
((((((hug back))))))
(I don't expect anyone to have a cure for this either).
Thanks for reading
Sela
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Aww, Sela... back up a couple steps, okay?
Shocked.... yes.
Stop there, alright?
I'm real familiar with confusion and dopeyness and they don't describe you... or me!
And yet I know exactly what you're saying. I do the same thing.
It's just the shock which causes a system shut-down.
Do you know, I can even get a form of blindness... it's like I stop seeing what's right smack in front of me.
It's a "this does not compute" / red flag / warning, warning / overload... ptsd type reflexive reaction.
I think it's fear.
So quick and cold... I don't know how a person can prepare for that, really.
What would it take?
Would you have to make yourself as cold and heartless as she is?
Yuck!
How about this?
She says her spiel and you are silent.
She hangs up.
You go to the care conference anyhow.
She says "I thought I told you..."
You smile and reply, "You said 'goodbye' so quickly, I guess you didn't hear me say, 'see you there, sis'.
I know it's too late for this particular scenario, but there will surely be a next time.
Point is - ignore her blahblahblah and go ahead and follow through on your plans.
Then, when she try to pull one of her little stunts, you'll remember just how impotent her words are.... and you will be immune, because her empty words had no impact on your actions! And that's what counts. Actions.
What do you think?
Love,
Carolyn
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Oh I like that Carolyn
I wonder how many of us think of the "spot on" reply after it is too late. It is not a denseness that belongs to just once person, Sela. I have been through that whole businees myself, and wondered why I was so dense.
It is because we are not expecting the N-isms! We didn't know about them. Anyone agree? and maybe our parents never experienced them so we had no warning and, if so, we had no warning for our children: for a pleasant but snappt reply!
Izzy
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Hi, Izzy and Sela... I've been thinking about this so much, and you know - I really don't ever want to be so attuned to N'isms and N'istic attitudes that I can snap off a quick retort in response to one. That just feels like a situation of "if you can't beat 'em, join 'em".... and I don't even want to go there.
In fact, I really do think there's alot of peace in just making up one's mind to NOT react, but rather take whatever time is necessary to process situations and then to thoughtfully respond, as appropriate.
Mindful choices.
Love,
Carolyn
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Oh thankyou, thankyou both Carolyn and Izzy.
I do feel so much better after reading what you both wrote.
Izzy, I don't feel like the only one, which is a big thing for me. I feel less "crazy", ya know?
And Carolyn, you are soooo right!! (I do soooooo agree....I guess that's a better way to say it).
I really, really, really do not want to stoop to "their" level. I'd rather say something totally silly or nothing at all ....than something equally as cold and mean!! That helps sooo much. Thankyou again.
I'm real familiar with confusion and dopeyness and they don't describe you... or me!
I agree with this statement too. I guess what I mean is that I feeeeeeeeeeeeel stupid. That's maybe a bit goofy but it is what I have felt when I've been (I call it)......N'd.
Anyhow......I need to fix my thinking there so I don't get that feeling and embrace the idea that no matter what I say.......it won't be as nasty or as cold or mean or cruel or rude or inconsiderate......
as what "they" said.
It might even be dopey because even though I don't think I'm a stupid person, I know I do make mistakes or poor choices and say stupid things sometimes. I can live with that. I wouldn't want to be thaaaaaaaat perrrrrrrrrrrrrfect anyhow.
So there!!
(((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))
Sela