Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival => Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board => Topic started by: Leah on June 27, 2008, 07:25:07 AM
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Dr. Gottman’s six habits of poor communication:
* Harsh Start ups
* The Four Horsemen: criticism, contempt, defensiveness, stonewalling
* Flooding
* Body Language
* Failed Repair Attempts
* Bad Memories
"Let me explain in my own words the dynamics behind these habits of poor communication. I think, like me, you will see yourself in many of them."
Harsh Start Ups: Harsh start ups' put the other person in the defensive before the conversation has a chance.
The Four Horsemen: Dr. Gottman claims that certain types of negativity are more lethal to your relationship.
His four horsemen are:
1) Criticism: Complaints are normal but criticism deals more with your spouse’s character and personality.
2) Contempt: This is long simmering negative thoughts about your partner that turn into disrespect.
3) Defensiveness: As we discussed earlier in the chapter this approach rarely ever works and usually turns the conversation into a blame game.
4) Stonewalling: Eventually your partner tunes you out. X wasn’t willing to work at communication with Y ... he simply crawled into his cave and the conversation stopped for the time being.
Flooding: This happens when you or your spouse bombards the communication with negativity whether it is in the form of criticism, contempt, defensiveness or any other negative approach. Some people would call consistent nagging a form of flooding. One man told me that when his wife starts flooding and nagging at him, he feels like she is taking her hand and just tapping on his chest until he blows up.
Body Language: Authorities tell us that good communication is more about body language than actual words. When a person shuts the other person out with their body language, usually the healthy communication is over. Literally sometimes their body language is evident that they have quit listening. It is too difficult to stay that intense.
Failed Repair Attempts: A repair attempt is when a couple puts the brakes on the tension in the relationship and deescalates the conversation. Obviously there are times with intense communication where a couple needs to take a timeout. In a relationship that isn’t working, a failed repair attempt doesn’t work at decreasing the tension or lowering the stress level. Constant failed repair attempts are like that stress fracture that just keeps getting worse.
Bad Memories: When a couple is consumed with negativity it not only affects their past but it can place danger on their future. In almost all cases there are very good and happy memories in every relationship but if things are too negative that they can’t remember the good times, the relationship is deteriorating.
"These are all bad habits, but quite normal. If you are struggling in the communication department of your marriage, then I strongly suggest you get the help you need to work out the communication issues."
While Dr Gottman is referring to intimate relationships, I do think the same applies in all interactions with people, in any setting.
Just some thoughts for open discussion.
Leah x
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Hi folks,
After stepping back and away from the board, I do think that the above highlights/illustrates as to how a "Board Conflict" starts up -- and proceeds onwards with flooding -- finally, concluding with the stonewalling of a person(s).
I like straightforward simplicity. And so, this is all in all, how I understand the board issues to be, also, bearing in mind the information contained therein over on "....... possible communication Barriers"
How about you? anyone? thoughts or opinion, experiential or none, warmly invited. Both 'yay' and 'nay' respectfully welcome.
Love to (((( all ))))
Leah
Edit: I place here the link to the post elsewhere that I have referred to http://www.voicelessness.com/disc3//index.php?topic=8192.msg131453#msg131453 (http://www.voicelessness.com/disc3//index.php?topic=8192.msg131453#msg131453) simply because the board moves on quickly and often, as I have experienced, hunting for a posting takes time and energy - which I for one don't have an abundance to expend in laborious searching.
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I agree, Leah. Dr. Gottman happens to be my marriage counselor! And I'm so glad of it!
I have talked here on the board of the "harsh startup" and of flooding, as well. These enlightenments helped me immensely!
I do think the defensive posture is the key to having a "good" or "bad" discussion. Are you trying to defend yourself? Or are you hearing the "complaint" (hopefully it's not a criticism! there's a big difference.) Does the person truly have a point?
The other thing to throw into the mix is Daniel Goleman's basic finding after the book "Destructive Emotions" wherein he found that there is a slight (maybe 30 seconds) window of time where the brain has not engaged to realize it is angry yet - when taking in the info. During that time, we DO generally, have the ability to control the reaction. If you let it go too far, (become flooded) it is too late to take in new information until you become calm. People need to realize this. Stop arguing when you're flooded! Please!
Thank you Leah.
Dandylife
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Thank you. It is finding and reading these bits of wisdom from you folks who are much further down the healing road than I. You folks have shared so many bits of info you have found, and I have barely scratched the surface of beginning to search for things that help. Nogadge
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nogadge,
I'm not sure where I am on the "continuum" of healing. I just know I've done alot of soaking in of information and I've been fortunate to find some very very good reference material. I could boil it down to probably 5-6 book titles and 1 particular counselor (Dr. Gottman) for my healing journey. I also consider that I'll be on this journey for the rest of my life, doing the "game" of discernment - what does that behavior mean? Are they of good intentions, or bad? I don't know if we become more sensitive because of what we've been through, or just more keenly aware?
Leah has been providing alot of resources here for those who don't have the time to sift through on their own - it's been wonderful to have it so handy here.
Dandylife
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It hasn't been books for me, I have been reviewing all the threads here, and found such a wealthe of info from so may who have posted specific tidbits referencing info, and I an\m only 25-30% the way thru. I am in awe of the level of info being shared and passed on. Nogadge
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((((((((( thank you )))))))))
Love, Leah