Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival => Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board => Topic started by: tayana on July 01, 2008, 12:58:38 PM
-
I was hurt pretty seriously over the weekend, and I called my brother yesterday to leave a message that I'd been hurt. I just wanted to see what the reaction would be. I left the message about 8 in the morning. I assumed my brother and sister-in-law were at work. I figured I would get a call when they got home. At 8 in the evening, I finally called. My brother said he was just going to call.
We had a bit of chit chat for a few minutes about my accident, just general stuff about moving. Not once had he offered to help me move. He hadn't even called to see how or why I was hurt. It was just like he'd been talking to me for two months. I was rather stunned that they didn't seem to be concerned at all. He told me I could call at any time, but he made no mention of calling or visiting me. It made me wonder why I bothered.
-
Tayana,
I am sorry to hear you got hurt. Are you OK now? What kind of accident were you involved in?
It sounds like your brother has little interest in you. I imagine you are feeling pretty low about your whole family now. I know I would be. BTW - My mother ALWAYS says, "I was just going to call you." EVERY TIME. She says it if it has been a month since we talked or if it is a holiday or whatever. And she never shows any knowledge of the fact that we have no communication whatsoever when we talk, either. Also, she could give a rat's ass if I am sick, alone, struggling, depressed, happy, you name it.
So... I guess you tried it and you got an answer... You know that there just is no reason to expect anything from any of them.
((((((((((((((((((((Tay))))))))))))))
Love, Beth
-
OMG! You're OK, right?
((((((((((Tay))))))))))))
ps - I think you're brother's a TOAD.
-
Hi Tayana,
What happened? If you want to say, that is.
Is M OK? Did he get scared that you were hurt?
How about H? I hope she's OK and able to help.
cats paw
-
I hope you are okay, tay
and what's this moving thing? Are you leaving the house you bought?
-
Ow.
I'm sorry he doesn't know how to be caring, Tay.
So you have physical pain, and also... :cry:
Big squooshy hug with care to the hurt part/s,
Hops
-
((tayana))
sorry you were hurt and your brother wasn't there for you. Hope you are feeling better! seasons
-
Hi Tayana,
Sorry for the double hurt (the second hurt from your brother caused by not caring about the first hurt/accident and how you are).
How are you? What happened? (if you wanna say). I hope you're ok now. How is your son?
Keeping you in my prayers.
Sela
-
I hope you're recovering and the injuries aren't too seriouse, tay.
Maybe your brother gets a whole huge rash of upset whenever he talks to you.... and his subconsciouse is freaking out.... with regard to your mother's punitive behavior?
Maybe he's missing a layer of care that you seem to have?
(((tay))) I know it hurts, in any case.... and for that, I'm truly sorry.
Lighter
-
Sorry for not responding until now. I've spent the last couple of days in a bit of a daze. I fell trying to climb over a fence and ended up with the spike of a fence post embedded in my leg. We were supposed to finish moving from the apartment, and instead we spent 4 hours in the emergency room. I ended up with 25 stitches in my leg. It's very, very sore, but H is determined to keep me from over doing things. I feel pretty useless, but I love her for it.
Today, I got a letter from my mother inviting me to a 4th of July bbq. Of course, in addition to telling me how much she loved me, she blamed me for her health, my dad's health, and everything else that's gone wrong in their lives. She can't refer to H as my partner, just my "friend." It was such a slap in the face. She continually told me how awful I was for shutting them out of my lives, and yet, they've made no effort to contact me. She claims that she stopped by the apartment several times and I was never home. She never called ahead to see if I would be home. She just accuses me of thinking I am better than them, and that they were never good enough for me. I've always felt like I couldn't live up to my mom's expectations, not that they weren't good enough for me.
As much as I miss having a family, I almost wish they would just forget about me.
-
Tay,
I am right with you. I would be so grateful if I just didn't have to play the games/ respond to the craziness... and my sister tries to make us all into a "happy family" as part of her denial...
I hope you feel better soon and I am so glad you have H to help you. How is M????
Love, Beth
-
Ow OW!
I guess the bright side is learning what it feels like to be nurtured ...
So glad you have a loving partner to care for you while the leg heals.
Ow. :(
Take yer vitamins...?
love
Hops
-
OOOooooooo Tayana! That sounds painful!
I'm glad it wasn't a car accident or something like that and I'm glad you have someone to help you and care for you.
As for your mother.......I think I've said it before: She's a piece of work.
in addition to telling me how much she loved me, she blamed me for her health, my dad's health, and everything else that's gone wrong in their lives.
she blames, blames, blames......never has to take responsibility
She can't refer to H as my partner, just my "friend." It was such a slap in the face.
denies your reality over and over
She continually told me how awful I was for shutting them out of my lives, and yet, they've made no effort to contact me.
requires more than she is ever willing to give....labels you and takes no responsibility
She claims that she stopped by the apartment several times and I was never home. She never called ahead to see if I would be home
.
attempts to instill guilt and shame......probably lies
She just accuses me of thinking I am better than them, and that they were never good enough for me. I've always felt like I couldn't live up to my mom's expectations, not that they weren't good enough for me.
accuses and falsely assumes....has no interest in knowing your truth/ignors your feelings.
I almost wish they would just forget about me.
Not gonna happen, I bet. Who would she have around to blame, load responsibility onto, deny, label, dump guilt and shame on, tell lies to, falsely accuse and ignor?
Are you going to go to the bbq?
Sorry this is so hard ((((Tayana))))
Sela
-
Hi Tay,
Sorry to hear about your leg, ow! How are you feeling now... Also sorry to hear about your hurt with your family.....it does sting quite a bit....
You had a good relationship with your brother before? I thought you did... Maybe give it some time....then try to talk again.....
It can be overwhelming when there is so much tramua....within a family..... take some space (with your heart) and let it ride a bit.... see what happenes..
Sorry..
Love
Deb
-
Sela, I know you're right. I don't know if we are going to the bbq yet. We really haven't made a decision. I know she's never going to change and she's always going to blame me for everything. I know that, and the thought of seeing her or speaking with her really makes me feel a bit ill.
Deb, I'm thinking of calling my brother tonight to find out more about the bbq, and if we want to go.
Just for thrills, here's the contents of her letter in response to my very level-headed reply to her first one.
My Dearest Daughter:
We didn't leave you, it's the other way around. We were never good enough, rich enought etc. that was very plain to see from the time you started going to school. But we hung in there and never stopped loving you. You know a parent doesn't spend time thinking about how they wished their child were different. We're too busy trying to make things better for them, as a parent we always want the best and Lord knows you will never know what it cost us. You've learned that yet and I don't think you will because you have never though of anyone but yourself, what you want, how to get it and who gets hurt to hell with them.
You feel sorry for yourself and try to make everyone else do the same instead of taking what you got and be grateful. Afterall life is very short. Now as for the gay part. We have known this for a long long time.. We never said anything, we kept your secret. People have asked me for years, if you were gay and I said no you just had a bad relationship. As the college part, I found while you were in INdiana. I never told you. What good would it have done.
You seem to think we're all a bunch of dumb bunnies. Well hard for you to believe, but we still didn't stop loving you.
As far as phone calls we made the last ones, you wouldn't answer them. We came by your apartment several times and you were never home And the few times we did stop you actied like you couldn't wait for us to leave. We felt very unwelcome. There is your answer.
As far as you coming to our home you always had a reason, flea makt, dog sitter, baby sitter, etc. You were very willing to come. And instead of bringing your friend out to meet us you chose to just throw us away. You didn't know what we would think, you made our minds up for us. I will tell you this. I'm so disappointed the way you treated your Dad. All he has done is keep a roof over your head and baid for your truck and insurance and you couldn't send a $1 card for Father's Day. He was very hurt. Everyone could see this.
Parents never stop loving a child, no matter how disappointed they are. Some day you will learn this I hope. I fear that when M is older he will hate you because your way of keeping him from his family and when he truly understands what gay means. He is going to have a hard life in the next few years. Kids are very cruel and it's going to be bad. Mark my words and you will see big changes in him. I pray that doesn't happen, but the writing is on the wall. We you wanted to know how we felt, there you have it.
Now the next step is yours. You can be part of the family or forget us. Time is running out for me and your father, and I can't handle the stress (doctor's orders.)
There's a bit more about the bbq and then she says she worrys about us all the time. Makes me feel really loved and welcome, yes, it does.
-
Hiya Tayana,
I guess you have to go with what your gut tells you to do. If you want to go and have a plan to deal with your mother or if you decide not to go....either way I bet it's painful to decide. Look at it this way.....
no one will die either way eh?
Sela
-
Hi Tay-
Sorry about your accident- it sounds really horrible. Please listen to H and take it easy...the move will get done, but the important thing now is for you to heal properly.
I read the note from your mother with sadness and shock. You were so worried and hurting about how to contact your father for Father's Day, and work yourself to the bone for your son, and have done so much so well!!! It seems almost like your own mother is envious of you and is reacting in a graceless way- such a pity, when you would gladly share your happiness with her. It also sounds a bit odd, as if she has very poor social skills and may need help with her emotional intelligence skills as well- the talk about showing up at your home is just plain odd as she seems to expect that you would be there magically whenever she desires you to be, as well as being prepared and able to accommodate her whenever she makes a surprise visit. Thank goodness that you are appropriate and model courteous behavior for your son.
As for your brother- it is a bitter thing to feel as if you are being excluded and distanced by someone you have loved and trusted. He may be having major problems in life, and perhaps cannot cope just now- I can't know why he is acting so strangely.
Just know that those who truly care for you are in your corner when you are hurt, and rejoice for you when you get some happiness. You can't fix everyone, even when you want to badly, but you can bless and release those you care about who somehow cannot love back, enjoy what you have made for yourself and be proud of your work and accomplishments and show your loved ones that you care.
Hope you heal soon, and enjoy your new home!
Love,
Changing
-
Tayana,
How's your leg, and how was yesterday?
cats paw
-
Sorry to take so long to reply . . .
We did go to the BBQ on Friday, and what a visit that was. I called my mom early that morning to find out what time we might be eating. Of course, she couldn't give me a definite time, so I told her we'd be there around 2. She was just as sweet as she could be. She didn't make a single sarcastic comment.
We got to their house after 2. I'd planned to make pasta salad but discovered I was missing an ingredient so I decided to make a cake instead. My mom informed me I didn't have to make a cake, and that I really didn't need to bring anything. Things were very, very tense with H there, but that meant that my mom behaved somewhat. She treated H pretty well, and didn't make any comments about her to me. She did corner me at one point and harangued me about being careful at work because they might fire me for being gay. I nobly refrained from telling her that my co-workers already know and no one has said anything to me. When you give out your girlfriend's cell phone because you can't walk to the kitchen, people start to suspect something. No one really cares. She also got me off to tell me how tight things must be with only one salary (H lost her job and is watching a couple of kids for extra money). M has lost some weight due to his medicine and also because he's grown about 4 inches. We had to buy new clothes for him, and we ended up getting him several nice things at second hand stores and garage sales. My mom was offended by this and wanted to know if I couldn't afford to buy him clothes. I told her we just got a good bargain and they were nice things. She also got her dander up when she discovered that we make M do chores, including cleaning up the dog's messes in the yard. She thinks that's ridiculous, even though we have 3 dogs, and he doesn't feed, water, or pay for anything related to the animals.
We survived the day.
The next day my mom called me to inform me she would like to have M for a day in two weeks to take him shopping for school clothes (since we're so poor we can't find any for him). H told me just to let her buy stuff and think what she wanted. I had pretty much had the same idea.
Yesterday, she called to inform me that she was at a local business and had some things for me. So we had to go pick up the stuff. M took his puppy with us, since we needed dog food anyway. My mom informed me that he was an ugly puppy and not what she expected and my dad had seen much better dogs at the flea market. Never mind that it is M's dog, and we all love him. She called again later to find out if M had tried on the things she'd sent, and I told her he hadn't. She tend went on about my dog again and told me how I'd gotten taken by the guy we'd gotten him from, but that he seemed to be a very docile dog. I told her we liked him and that he was a good dog. She made sure to get in a good jab that she meant to tell me to tell H hello too.
I'm going to wait and see if she calls today, and I think I'm going to tell her that she doesn't need to call me everyday.
The leg is better. I get my stitches out tomorrow.
-
Oy, you're probably not going to want to do stuff like the BBQ too often. Good for you for keeping up good boundaries. It sounds relentless, though. I recommend small and infrequent mom-doses.....
-
Hey Tay,
Sounds like you had a half way decent day..... seems big to me..... like you mom knows you have boundaries and is carefull of fully crossing them... appears that she is looking for a hole to slip in... P you Off....and you are doing just fine....they always look for that hole...reaction..good or bad.... You have come a long way... you should be proud of yourself...
Glad you are feeling better and getting stitches out tommorrow....everything heals...as long as you take care of it...
Proud of you .... You really are doing well...
Love
Deb