Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival => Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board => Topic started by: Hopalong on July 05, 2008, 10:32:42 PM
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Gardener and I are going through a dance and I tihink I have to leave the floor.
Don't have the emotional stamina to hold on and wait and see. Damn shame.
But when I sat with my feelings I felt my heart break.
Got chest pain several times today.
I figure, it's dangerous. I just can't tolerate more heartbresk.
I am just not as damned strong as I hoped to be.
I can't reget having gotten close. But I have to back off quick before it gets worse.
He's coming by for a light supper tomorrow of the veggies we grew together.
For me it's the giving and receiving of affection that mattered most. Not just fireworks but the hours of cuddling close just to watch TV.
I had not been kissed or held close in quite a few years. To let it go is hard because the future isn't always a friendly looking thing. But I think I'd better let it go right now, not try to wait and see. It feels horrible.
It's hard not to look back at a marriage where withdrawal of affection was the deepest wound. So, gardener pulling away is not the same, but it hits the same bruise. And gardener says he doesn't know if he's capable of an intimate relationship, and he's "such a lone wolf" ... and if those are ever words to believe, I'd better believe them now.
Him calling and being sweet and friendly doesn't help. If he's no longer holding me, or is holding me at bay, I've gotta get out of it quick.
Can't take it.
:cry:
Hops
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Oh Hops. There is nothing worse than heart ache. All we want is love and peace and happiness. I am holding you with a virtual hug!
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Hopalong,
You want different things. He is being honest with you. At least you have that.
My mom is 65 (my dad passed away) and she has a boyfriend. I ask her "will you live together? marry?" She is as adamant as he - no! But that works for them.
They both want companionship AND independence.
When you want more than someone can give, it is heartbreaking. I'm so sorry.
Have you shared with him your vision of what you want?
Dandylife
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Oh Hops,
I'm sorry your heart hurts.
((Big Hugs of comfort dear friend)) love seasons
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I wish it didn't hurt so much.
That you could just enjoy the time and activities you have together.... for what they are.
The more time you spend.... the harder to let go.
You're right about that.
Backing away, before you get any deeper..... probably is prudent.
Believing what he tells you.....
is wise.
Protecting your heart.....
is self care.
But darn....
it sure was nice twirling in the garden with a partner, wasn't it?
Please know.....
the twirling won't end.....
you'll just be dancing solo for a bit.
((((((Hops))))))
I wish he could still twirl..... even if his steps fall short of your expectations.
You're so deserving of affection and companionship.
You'll find someone ever more compatible....
::shaking head:: It sure was a nice refresher course
in romance,
wasn't it?
Lighter
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Dear Hops,
I am so sorry and I do understand. The pain in your chest is your heart breaking. I have had that, too.It hurts so,so,so much. We have had so much rejection and betrayal as children of N's . When pain happens ,in the present, we re-feel ALL the old pain(and there is SO much of it)
My heart goes out to you, Hops. I am so ,very sorry.
Love to you, Ami
(((((((((((((Hops)))))))))))
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((((((((( Hops ))))))))))))
Everything we do, and don't do, affects our precious heart.
Take good care of yours.
I am genuinely so sorry to know of your heartache.
Love, Leah
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Fish or cut bait...
Hopsy, I am so sorry. But I think you should back off for a bit and see if that changes his perspective. Like you said, it is better to do so than to be further wounded. It sounds to me like he has fallen for you and is trying to find himself an out - no doubt out of fear. Let him work through this. But let him work through it alone. He really sounds like a great guy. Relationships are hard and scary - more so when we are older. I think you two complement each other, but I also think he needs to be on his own again to see it.
Lots of love, and the feeling this will all have a happy ending if you can be stern now.
Love, Beth
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Hopsy,
You do what is best for you--you know we will all support you in whatever you decide.
But it does sound like he is giving you exactly what you hoped for--someone to share small, every day moments with and to hold and care for. Of course, things change, and if they have changed for you, you should honor that.
We're here for you, dear Hops.
CB
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Fish or cut bait...
Hopsy, I am so sorry. But I think you should back off for a bit and see if that changes his perspective. Like you said, it is better to do so than to be further wounded. It sounds to me like he has fallen for you and is trying to find himself an out - no doubt out of fear. Let him work through this. But let him work through it alone. He really sounds like a great guy. Relationships are hard and scary - more so when we are older. I think you two complement each other, but I also think he needs to be on his own again to see it.
Lots of love, and the feeling this will all have a happy ending if you can be stern now.
Love, Beth
Just my 2 cents. I 100% agree with Beth. He may feel crowded, not BY you, but by fear of intimacy. Intimacy is very,very scary. People need to know that they have freedom to leave,so they CAN come back. Ami
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((((((((Hops)))))))) your heart knows what you need.
I'm praying that you will receive the satisfaction of those needs... in abundance, to overflowing!
With love,
Carolyn
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Dearest Hops,
So brave of you to open your heart after all you have been through.
Please dont take your lover's withdrawl personally. He has his journey and he knows he cant be there at a deep level intimately. This would so not work for you. You are deep and capable of great love and commitment.
I guess the buddhists would say to stay calm and relaxed no matter what is pulling you off center. One cannot know what the other will do but staying centered will be helpful no matter what. I dont know what you have given away so that you are not centered right now. Maybe you are.
Keep writing and getting love and support here, ole buddy. You are loved.
Life is a messy thing isnt it?
Lots of love and hugs,
Sea storm
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Thank you, with a full heart, to all of you.
I think you are all right.
I think it would be good if I could be Zenlike and calm.
I think it would be good if I could cut my losses and retreat neatly and with dignity (taking him at his word).
I think it would be good if I could "just be friends" now. (Well, I'll do that in some way, since he's in my UU family.)
I think it would be good if I could be steady and strong and let it play out without my ventricles going off like hoses.
I think it would be AWESOME if he worked through the fear and had a conversion experience to the wonderfuless of what I'm offering (now).
I think it would be AWESOME if I weren't so unable to feel heartbreak over and over and still hang in.
But I can't.
He hasn't done anything wrong whatsoever. He has been his dear funny spooky self (can't spend the night in the bed self or even in another room, has to be in his own bed -- he once described himself as a "control freak" -- I have never felt him trying to control me, more than he just has all these limits in place to protect himself).
I do love him dearly and I can do it long-term as a friend and UU relative. After some time.
What I think I need now is this:
About six months of minimal contact (nice hellos at church, then scoot) to get over the wanting him physically. I know time does that and it will be okay. I know I will be able to see him eventually and not have the twinge.
Complete self-forgiveness for once AGAIN underestimating my vulnerability.
He has done nothing wrong.
What I feel like doing is simply wandering around among the folks who mostly love me most of the time and just saying whatever I want about how I'm feeling and playing no games about it at all. I just don't care what people think. I don't even care what I think.
I just want to respect that what I feel matters and I deserve the tenderest love. And if his neuroses trigger mine, that's neither his fault nor mine.
And most of all, I want not to regret it. When I think about who he is, my heart melts. I had the good sense and the good intuition to pick a NOT-MEAN man to love. That's progress! Really, it's HUGE progress for me! He's not mean! He's a dear! And I am grateful that although it's brittle enough to break, my heart can still love.
And so it goes!
Our garden is awesome. Got cucumbers coming out my ears and the little watermelon look like happy green baby soccer balls.
love,
Hops
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Dear Hops
Words fail me at the hurt you must be feeling. And it is a different hurt when:
I had the good sense and the good intuition to pick a NOT-MEAN man to love. That's progress! Really, it's HUGE progress for me! He's not mean! He's a dear! And I am grateful that although it's brittle enough to break, my heart can still love.
You were brave enough to love again. Some of us are not. For just now I think of the song:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I7j8NhBtnpw (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I7j8NhBtnpw) ...
..and as time goes by, another one might fit you differently.
For now, go with the flow? and love yourself all the while.
Love
Izzy
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I don't know if this will help or not, but from experience, I believe you WILL do all those things you listed. Not right away, and not all at the same time, but over time, yes. Twice in my life, my heart was so broken it manifested physically, like you say here: chest pains, and I had trouble breathing, and really felt like giving up on life. One was over ten years ago, the other two years ago. Neither did anything wrong, as you say here. And in both cases, if I see him now, it's completely twinge-free. The time I've spent getting up each day and focusing on what I want out of that day, hard though it was at first to put one foot in front on the other, made me feel so much stronger, more content, genuinely happy much of the time. It couldn't come without first taking that long walk through the sadness and disappointment and in my case feeling totally worthless and unlovable (not coincidentally these are the things my NF used to say to me as a child: "you don't know how to love, and nobody will love you," and "you're not worth anything anyway"), yeah, OK thanks dad. For me it meant setting small goals at first, and being kind to myself, even in small ways.
Postscript: one of them did come back. And I decided he wasn't right for me.
Take care of yourself now.
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Dear Hops,
Post as much as you want or need to. Whatever you say is ok with me. It isnt easy to walk away with your dignity. Or to walk away.
Sea
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(((((((((((Hops))))))))))))
tt
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I know it is difficult to enjoy the present and detach from the results. But we said that it was that what we were going to do and we need to comply with it.
No attachments!!! That is indispensable1 No attachments!!!!
Did you by any chance behave needy and you might have scared him?
Just a hypothesis. I know Hopsy-wopsy, it hurts, but people come and go, I went dancing on the fourth of July and had a blast, a handsome gentleman bought me a drink and danced with me and flirted, etc. Very exciting. Next day i erased his phone form my cell phone. God has a perfect plan for all of us and the perfect person will appear. We need to move forward with hope.
You are a wonderful person and will find a better more suitable person for you. And if we do not find him, well, we have our selves, and if we love our selves we do not need anybody else.
I am so sorry you are sad, hope that you recover soon soon soon, and next time you will not even give any importnace, and you will be the one that will say, well, "I am not ready for intimacy"
Love to you hopsywopsy, and if anything I said bothers you, please, disregard it. I am sending good vibration and positive thoughts to reach you.
Love to you and God bless you.
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I read your posts in this thread and my heart just aches with you. I hear you - did nothing wrong, nice guy, need more than he can give. I could write those things over and over and they still stand the same - aching or the incongruity of it all.
I'm sorry, deeply, deeply sorry for the pain - the hope that won't be fulfilled.
I hope for the future that that exact hope will be fulfilled but that does nothing to mitigate the pain of now. I wanted something wonderful to ease the pain of all the other losses you have butted up against. You deserve the comfort and joy of the physical and emotional comfort and love - you deserve it!!!
My heart aches for you and with you.
Thinking of you during this harvest dinner, wondering how you are fortifying yourself to get through it, wishing it were the beginning and not the end.
Love to you, love and courage and hope where you don't have the strength to have those for yourself.
i hope you will allow yourself to grieve this loss - deep to your core. My heart grieves for you.
Love to you - GS/SS
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(((Hops)))
You absolutely sound like you're honoring your feelings....
like you're setting limits and boundaries,
even if they sting.
Lets look on the bright side for a minute:
You DID pick a nice man to be vulnerable with.
And just like Carley Simon said.....
".... there's more room in a broken heart.... if you're willing to play the game, it will be coming around again"
and you still believe in love, after all you've been through.
You aren't settling for less than you want and deserve.... you've broken that pattern.
I think your gardens been a complete triumph this summer.....
I'm so glad you shared it.
Lighter
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My Dear Hoppy-
Sorry that you are suffering, Sweetheart.You are relearning everything- love, intimacy, commitment- in a new way. In the midst of being alone- no familial support nearby, in fact a huge wound where they should be...this is so courageous. And now- to retrain your synapses and the chemical receptor sites, no more N mates or tragic relationships !!!! You have done so well...instead of clinging to what doen't work for you, you have the smarts and soul to bless and release, even if it hurts ... No trying to change another person or trying to be what you are not in order to cling... only time will tell what will happen...
There isn't room or time for what is not right for you to become the main focus of your precious heart. You are loyal and loving, and your heartstrings may tug tug tug but you know what is right, what you would want your daughter to do- Be free to find the right love and create the right life, Darling One.
Now you have room in your date book, and you know that you are special and the BOMB!!!! Now you can date some new suitors and see who is the One worthy of keeping company with you! In the meantime, you can be courted and have fun and romance...you deserve it. Let the demigods depart so that the gods may enter...
Love You,
Changing
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Dear Hops,
When you meet the right man......there won't be any heartache, only joy.
You won't have longing for more .....there will be abundance.
You won't be hoping, you'll be feeling grateful.
You won't have to ask him to stay......he'll be there for you both.
I think you are wise to protect your heart from getting further attached to a man who states openly (and yes, at least it's honestly)...that he wants something different than you want.
You deserve what you want, Hops!
Any you will find the right person when the time is right.
I'm so sorry for this pain you feel. It's no fun and I bet most people here have felt it, in one way or another.
At least you're not alone, Hops and it won't last forever.
((((((((Hoppy))))))))
Sela
PS on edit: One thingy.....you've proven to yourself that you are desirable and worthy of affection and time. Those are biggies. He noticed you and paid attention, spent time with you and although he may want only a limited amount of all that.....I bet it isn't you. It's him and his protective mechanisms, which work for him, but not for you. I think you will indeed end up with a valuable friend and are very smart to give yourself the time you need to get to that mode. In the mean time, I'm sending love and warmth and some of mum's bright light to guide you and keep you warm and cozy. Wish I could bring you tea and chocolate.
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Hi Hoppy, where did you go? we all love you here and miss you.
Love,
Lupita
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Hi Hops,
I am so sorry to learn of your heart-ache. It ...err, isn't nice to feel. (was thinking of a specific word...) Wish I could wrap my arms around your heart and give it a big hug. Two problems with that: can't get there in real-time, and your heart is so big that even with my long arms I couldn't grasp it so .... I'm sure it must really hurt. The bigger the heart, the bigger the hurt.
It is VERY important to know how to protect ourselves, and you are doing that, so congratulations.
It does sound like he cares enough and honors you enough not to intentionally hurt your feelings, and to not use you when many others would. I think that says a lot about both your choice and your healing journey.
Which, I know, makes it hurt all the more (when they're nice and care.)
Hugs to you, Hops.
much love,
LilyCat
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OHHH HOPS.
I think I understand. I'll be around if you just want someone to listen.
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Dear sweet amazing friends,
So swamped just at the moment that I can't thank you individually (except I have to confess Izzy got me on a little Connie Whatsername jag, that was SO incredible...I had seen it before but diabolical timing, Izzz, nice and teary...and THAT sent me over to Paul Potts... :P)
And Changing, to thank you for the term, "Bless and Release." I LOVE THAT. Heck of a lot nicer than sticking someone through the cheek with a fishhook, now that you mention it.
He came by last night, from 4 hours on his motorcycle (he'd gone to an old friend's 60th bday gathering). I had invited him for the dinner and forgotten I had a church commitment. So for several hours I cooked up a storm to fix him the meal anyway, was going to leave it on his porch. I had to shoo him away but he hinted as how he could come back later, and I said sure, maybe I'll see you later...and he reappeared with a DVD and we climbed onto my bed and hugged onto each other like lampreys, no sex involved or even needed I think, and it felt so gooooooooood. I drowsed off and he tottered home all tired and I am fine.
We didn't Have a Talk. We Had a Hold.
Who knows, lordy knows I don't, but though I feel a teeny bit more detached (that's good for me) I no longer am scared (today's weather report) and do not feel abandoned. He may have had to act out just a bit of independence, as so many of you conjectured, last weekend...and it was just bad timing because it interfered with my nervous breakdown.
No fool like an old fool. Today I feel peaceful and safe, and I don't know if it's because I'm releasing him or because he came back, or if it's both at once.
I love every one of you for your kindness and caring.
Your collective and nuanced and varied wisdom's just the icing on the cake. Priceless and lifegiving.
thank you!
xxxxxxxxooooooo,
Hops
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Hops,
I have absolutly no advice since I am the queen of dysfunctional relationships but I do send my love, I am glad you shared some time with a man who is honest, I am glad your garden is growing and that you had someone soft working with you, I am so pleased you got some well deserved hugs and I wish you strength in letting go, if that is what is needed.
much love
axa
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He sounds like a sweet guy, and we all know what a catch you are :)
Lots of love, hot tamale.
Love, Beth
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Dear Hops,
The Judith Sills book talks about distance . It says that both people need to know that they CAN come and go freely, w/out excesive demands to stay.All relationships navigate this stage. It is really hard when our abandonment issues kick in and we want to cling like baby monkeys(at least *I* do).
Your letting go will be the best way to navigate this stage and will set the best stage for the beginning of the next level(IMO)
You are doing really, really well, Hops.
Love, Ami
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Welll...
((((((((Hops)))))))))
You're certainly not alone.
So glad to read you're back in the saddle and feeling steady again.
Light
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Snort.
Thank you very much for the baby monkey image, Ami! :lol:
I mean it...it's so spot on!
oh
snort.
Hops
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Well, you helped ME, Hops. I am glad *I* am not the only one(lol) Love, Ami
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Welllll....it's done, and it wasn't so bad.
After the last cuddly weekend, he popped by the next but the whole pattern changed (no calls, no contact for days) and I realized it was cementing (his withdrawal). It didn't feel like a phase, it felt like his real response to being loved. He gave me a sweet look and a HANDSHAKE the last time he left. Ow ow ow!
So I asked him to come over for a little bit last night. I am leaving for a week in California today and I didn't want to be out there tragically wandering, or worse, fantasizing that when I came home we'd leap into each others' arms. I really wanted clarity, as much as he could give, before I left. So I could get on fairly vigorously with letting go and grieving so I can move through it. And I got it.
I'm glad. I didn't try to persuade him to be different, I just expressed my huge gratitude for the joys he has given me, and told him I knew we'd be friends forever. He kept saying, I still like hanging out with you, I want to help you, you know, when you need something moved...he kept talking about how he could help me. (That's the role he plays in church too, he is a helper...always doing things for people. That's his comfort zone.) When I asked if he would ever let me help him back he said he didn't know, it was very hard for him to accept help from anyone.
I poured out a lot of appreciation and also cried my face purple. But it wasn't tragic, it just was honest. Big hugs goodbye, and now I have no anxiety about seeing him around church. I explained I'd be not doing church chit-chat with him for a while but that was only to move along in healing and he said he understood.
So we're okay. He gets to go on being Zorro, and I get to have a precious friend who couldn't sign up for the long-term benefits.
He's taking care of my dog while I'm gone. And the minister moves in downstairs in August. And I have a ton of work to do in the fight for the house.
I will find someone to love who will be glad of it, and love me back. And meanwhile, I'm not sorry. Taking that risk brough me alive again in many ways.
I"ll check in in a week...I'm off to San Francisco and then Pasadena for a family reunion with my Dad's cousins. Meeting my daughter out there. They will probably have heart attacks when they see her tattoos. :lol:
lots of love and heartfelt thanks for all the kindness, wisdom, comfort and support you've all given me.
Hops
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Hops,
That sounds like exactly the right decision. And you did it so well....I know that it hurt to do, but I am so proud of you for thinking through what you want, being observant of his clues to you, and making your own decision about what you want.
I know you've learned a lot in the process--and I am so PROUD of you!
Enjoy your week!
Love you,
CB
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Dear Hops
I am sorry the ending was not different. What hits me is our ultimate "aloneness" as people and I HATE that subject(lol)
Maybe ,being a child of an N makes aloneness seem that much worse.I bet it does.
I hope you have a wonderful trip, Hops.Tatoos don't matter.Scott had two and I really didn't care very much. If s/one has a problem with it, it is their problem. Your D sounds like she is doing well . That is all that matters.You will prevail,Hops. I can feel it!
Love Ami
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Ah Hops, how bittersweet. But you handled yourself so eloquently and well. I think you made the right decision for yourself, and soon you will be free to open yourself up to the next man, who will be more capable of loving you. You so deserve it.
Have a wonderful trip. Enjoy, enjoy, enjoy!! We'll miss you on the board.
((((Hops))))))
LC
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Hops,
I love your optimistic outlook. Even a sad moment is turned into a sweet chapter.... You are a great example to all of us here.
Lots of love,
Beth
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Hi Hops,
Do enjoy your week long adventure and precious time with your dear daughter.
Love, Leah
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Hi Hops
You are one class act!
Have a great time away, and enjoy your daughter .
(I am a purple-faced crier too)
And I hope all goes well, in the long stretch of healing, with you and him being 'just friends'.
Good Luck again with your paperwork and the outcome.
Will be thinking about you
Love
Izzy
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Hi Hops,
You so deserve to have a love that can grow in a garden of devotion. Your big heart needs the full, great big love.
You so such courage in facing yourself and your loneliness rather than latching on to this man. No more fish hooks, eh? After all we were taught about landing a man. Well, that never worked anyhow.
You deserve the best and my heart goes out to you.
Lot and lots of love,
Sea storm
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Hops,
So glad you are getting away for a week to give yourself some distance. Reading you post the one word that came to mind was authenticity. I am touched by your realness and your hope.............major hugs,
axa
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Hops, I'm so glad this ended so well - maybe transformed is a better word than ended.
As for tattoos - I hope my daughter didn't have anything to do with them! (She's a tattoo artist in Fells Point, Baltimore). She's pretty good - apprenticed, certified, the whole enchilada - and fact is: she's making more money with "art" than I ever did!
p.s. - you're sounding WONDERFUL... can't put my finger on it.... but something has blossomed in you because of this experience, hasn't it?
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Hi Hops,
How's your trip to Califonia? Hope you are doing ok.
Sea Storm
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::hoping your trip is everything you want it to be, Hops::
Lighter
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Oh Hops!
You have such grace!
Enjoy every moment of your trip!
Sela
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Hops,
You have been on this board for me - and helped with your words to transform my stubborness (though it took awhile) and help me to see the light. I'm glad you are still here doing what you do.
It looks to me like what you are doing is to let things simply unfold. And, as someone else mentioned, you are doing it with grace. What a beautiful gift you are exemplifying to everyone you come into contact with.
And...letting things unfold is a brave, brave step because it means we have to give up something. Maybe that is the heart breaking (the giving up part.) However, letting things unfold really is wise because it is the natural approach. We can control ourselves but not anyone else nor will anyone else control us - our decision-making is part of "letting things unfold." Btw, I just realized this today so sorry if I am not articulate about expressing it.
I am glad you are doing what you are doing, Hops.
What hits me is our ultimate "aloneness" as people and I HATE that subject(lol)
Maybe ,being a child of an N makes aloneness seem that much worse.I bet it does.
I wonder why?
I can't find the "precious heart" quote but whoa! That really reasonated....
Dawning.
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Hi Hopsy, I am trying to learn to detach, detach from the result and enjoy the present. Men fall in love with indiferent women, why? I do not know, but they do. So, I am going to try, not to get him fall in love but to avoind being hurt. I really hope that you do too. No expectations, from your family, from your friends or from anybody, we just have expectations from our selves. I hope we can do it. I will try.
So glad you are doing better.
God bless you deal Hopalong, you are one of the strongest columns that support this board. My respect and love to you.
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Wow. Being away from the board for a week and checking back in to find all this love!
Thanks, everybody.
I am so glad I got away. It was a great trip.
I saw an old friend, a doctor I once worked with...he's still a bachelor, pining away for the perfect woman. I used to have a huge crush on him, and now I just love him as a friend. I stayed in his multi-million dollar house on the beach and just thought about how isolated he seems. He tends to paint a picture of himself as a victim of women. (He picks women who are a cross between Grace Kelly and Mother Theresa, and then is horrified when they don't measure up.) And he's religious in a way that wouldn't make room for me. But he's a dear good person and I loved our late-night talks.
Bopped around SF visiting businesses, very productive in terms of work. I'm hoping my boss will pay for the rental car as well as my plane ticket. My daughter was soooo happy. She's been lonely in Miami and she got to reunite with several of her best friends from college. One of them came along down to L.A. with us...the two of them were so funny together.
We went into South Central LA to my last appointment, at an eco-manufacturing business. Very interesting, sobering place. Then off to Pasadena and the family reunion. I'm politically very different from the relatives, but they're kind lovely people, and it really did us both good. After all the pain with my brother and mother, it was great to hook up with the "old California" side of the family, my Dad's relations. We stayed at their church's guest house right around the corner, and I spent the morning before the festivities started with a "green" designer we may work with. She was lots of fun and just as excited as I am about alternative energy and organic products, etc.
Then we got up at 3 a.m. to make it for our 6 and 7 a.m. flights--D back to Florida, her friend back to SF, and me home. All went smoothly.
Home to a quiet house and mellow dog. The gardener had taken great care of her, and installed a second rain barrel for me while I was gone. Got him a book as a gift, and called to thank him.
I wrote him while I was away that I'd realized the biggest thing I was grieving was the loss of touch...I'd been affection starved. But I knew I could get that need met, and I knew we'd be friends long-term. Called him to thank him and we had a cheerful talk and I feel as though the drama's over and we can move on.
What a relief!
Thanks for all the love and good wishes. Y'all warm my heart.
Will take me forever to catch up on what's happening with each of you...but I'll be reading! Can't post much until I finish Mom's Medicaid application, which is beyond urgent. But I'll pop in.
lots of love,
Hops
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I wrote him while I was away that I'd realized the biggest thing I was grieving was the loss of touch...I'd been affection starved. But I knew I could get that need met, and I knew we'd be friends long-term. Called him to thank him and we had a cheerful talk and I feel as though the drama's over and we can move on.
This sounds so good, comforting.
Your trip sounds great. I had hoped it would be.
Are you doing Part D on the Medicare? I am working on that for my mother. I found an advisor through her financial adviser. Sh helps for a $25 fee. But she said that we can't do anything until Nov. That's when open-season starts again. I have to find out from my mother is she has Part B. I don't think she even knows.
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Hey, Hops --
So glad you had a good trip. You sound so relaxed!!
Gee, you handled the gardener situation so well. You are somethin', girl!!
take care of yourself --
LC
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Jes' poppin' along your way
Wishin' each and every day
Is findin' you with much less clutter
Hopin' it's slidin' smooth as butter
xx
Izzy
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Thanks so much Izzy, Lily, and SS...
doing okay with the gardener. We're backed off from what we were but still seeing each other now and then. And he embraces me sometimes and I feel love flowing.
I feel better since I got all that first-reaction grief out. I have no strategy and no plan and am just taking things one day at a time.
Not sorry and no regrets, that's for sure.
I did a sermon (a repeat) last Sunday and he joined me and two friends for breakfast afterwards, gave me an unexpected peck. And he reaches to hug me when he could...not.
So who knows?
So many threads to catch up on. I'll try.
xxoo love and thanks,
Hops
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Hi Hops,
Been off line a lot these days but popping in now and then. Glad to hear you have no regrets. I don't think I ever came out of a relationship without a lot of regrets so that sounds pretty good to me. Glad that life is gentle with you at the moment.
Huge hugs,
axa
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Welcome Back, Hops
You are handling so many diffcult things, right now. My heart goes out to you.
Ami
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".........we had a cheerful talk and I feel as though the drama's over and we can move on.
What a relief!"
What a wonderful post to return to, (((Hops.)))
So glad to read you're feeling well: )
Lighter