Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival => Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board => Topic started by: Juno on July 07, 2008, 12:09:23 PM
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I saw my regular doctor today. Since I never get sick she didn't recognize me and I had to be put into the system as a new patient. But nobody made it difficult for me, as I worried might happen. We went over my symptoms of depression and I told her about starting counseling and that the counselor thought we would get farther with talk therapy if I was also on medication. So, she gave me the option of Prozac again but pointed out that it wouldn't do anything for the anxiety. So, Cymbalta it is. She gave me two weeks worth of 30 mg to get my body used to it and then three weeks of 60 mg. I go back there in a month to see how I'm doing. If the Cymbalta is working out then she will give me a prescription.
She listened and asked good questions and seemed understanding. It wasn't a bad office visit at all.
I still need to let my counselor know I have started the Cymbalta and we are also supposed to chat on the phone in about a week and a half and then schedule my next in person visit.
Lots to remember. I used to have way more going on and just did it all. Now there is less and it is quite overwhelming. Maybe all that from before is catching up with me. Or maybe I just don't like sucking it up anymore. Which is what I always did. Just toughed it out. Forced myself to do things I didn't want to do or else had no interest in. Everything was "have to" and I don't want that anymore.
But my new to-do list is important. I'm finally going to learn how to take good care of myself. Never would have thought something like that would be so challenging. It seems like other people just naturally take good care of themselves. Without it being at other people's expense. I want that kind of balance for myself.
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I used to have way more going on and just did it all. Now there is less and it is quite overwhelming. Maybe all that from before is catching up with me. Or maybe I just don't like sucking it up anymore. Which is what I always did. Just toughed it out. Forced myself to do things I didn't want to do or else had no interest in. Everything was "have to" and I don't want that anymore.
Juno,
Me, too... either.
But my new to-do list is important. I'm finally going to learn how to take good care of myself. Never would have thought something like that would be so challenging. It seems like other people just naturally take good care of themselves. Without it being at other people's expense. I want that kind of balance for myself.
Same here. Your courage and determination and persistence are contagious. Thank you for that.
Learning along with you.
Love,
Carolyn
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Juno, I am so glad for you!!!!!!!!!
)))))))))))))))))))))))))Juno((((((((((((((((((((((
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Thank you, ladies! (((((((((both of you))))))))))
I have had my first dose in my body for two hours now. I figure that is two hours towards good health. Two hours towards getting my life where it should be. I'm ready for this to work. Have to go back to work shortly. This week the co-worker I dislike so much is on vacation. An M-Free Week is how I think of it. I'm hoping by the time she comes back I will have enough of a start with the Cymbalta that I will be able to also free my mind of the annoyances of that person.
I have a lot of things I hope will be better soon.
Today the doctor ended the visit with saying that life is too short to have so many worries and that I should concentrate only on what is good in my life--and that coming in and asking for help was a good start. I tend not to like praise or cliches especially coming from someone who I might categorize as privileged. But this is my life and it was very hard for me to ask for help.... so I accepted her words as trying to be helpful and wanting to be kind. She listened and she gave me what I need.
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Juno, you're doing great. You're taking care of yourself and you're doing it in a wise way.
Aaaahhhh ... a week without a negative co-worker. Isn't that a great feeling? So relaxing. Almost like being on vacation. (NOT!!!)
Here's my tip on depression: 97% of the time it's anger that you turn in on yourself; don't let out. So, work with your therapist on finding and feeling the anger. You'll be surprised at how much better you'll feel. At one point after literally, a lifetime of depression, I had overcome depression by working on this with my therapist (he knew to it, I didn't initiate it). I was amazed at it. It lasted for years and years and I thought I'd never have serious depression again, but then the last 5 years happened and I'm back there again, although I'd call it more despair than depression.
But that is me, and you are you, and it sounds like you're off to a very solid start. Bravo for you!
I totally understand the not knowing how to take care of yourself thing. It's still a big puzzle to me. Even on the rare occasions when I know what to do -- like put the dishes in the dishwasher (which is taking care of yourself), I find tremendous resistance. I guess it's the old FOO stuff.
Anyway, best of luck, and keep writing. Especially here, where it truly helps.
LC
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Juno-they put me on the same drug. I got woozy the first couple days but my first period after it was the calmest in months. I have read some horror stories about it but I was at the end of my rope. They warn you to not miss doses and to not run out. Right now I am not feeling well and I am hoping it is not the meds. Keep me posted and I will do the same. I hope it lifts your cloud. It did for me!
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Hi Lilycat--Years ago when we took my son to see a counselor, she said depression is anger turned inward. That made so much sense to me at the time and I have always remembered that. I think it will be quite a trick to get at the anger and let it out, though. I think I am angry about many, many things. Never really felt it as I should. Never rebelled against my parents. It feels sometimes like I am having a highly delayed adolescence. And there is so much there because of the voicelessness. It seems like it will take a while. But I promised myself to see this through.
About the co-worker--I am actually at the point where just hearing her name will make me tense up. Even if it is someone talking about someone else with the same name. I would like to not do that anymore. Just that will feel so much better. I also had a thought a couple weeks ago that for some reason this particular co-worker is triggering the part of me that was stalked and harassed in 9th grade by a former best friend. So, I might have to work on that episode in counseling to get at breaking this triggering that I'm dealing with every day at work. It's a deep trigger that's for sure.
I am glad to hear people success stories along these same lines. It makes me feel more hopeful that I can do this.
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Kelly--I am having some queasiness. I think it is because I went all afternoon without eating much. Supper wasn't very appetizing even though I was hungry. In the doctor's office I didn't like hearing about the possibility of nausea, but I really don't like the possibility of hanging onto the depression. And I really won't miss the anxiety.
Did the wooziness go away over time? I'm willing to tough it out. This first day it isn't too bad. Even if it gets somewhat worse, I will keep going and just try to eat at different times.
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It went away almost immediately. It has been ok. I am hoping that it will continue to work.
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Kelly--did you start out with a lower dose and then move up to more? I'm starting out with 30 mg for two weeks and then moving to 60 mg for three weeks. During the fourth week I go back to be evaluated. The first two weeks of the lower dose is to get used to it.
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Juno,
I know just what you mean about having less to do, but feeling that your plate is too full.
You are doing all the right things :) I am so happy for you. So, since you are waiting to feel happier, I will be happy for you in the meantime :) I really think you will have an overall better everything once you get used to the meds and get further along in the therapy.
Love, Beth
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Hi Juno...
Cymbalta was hugely helpful for me. Amazingly so and amazingly quickly (brief nausea really is transitory, your body's just saying hello, what's this? something I need to kick out? -- and then realizes it's okay. Then the "good effects" begin.
I was on it for the last few years and it really helped. Just weaned myself off it over the last month. Felt weird for a week or so and now I feel fine.
So don't worry. This makes a lot of sense as you get started with this hard work. You may need it or choose to take it for a long time, or shorter time. Whatever's right for you is okay.
kudos, woman. this is brave worthwhile work and you deserve the effort.
xo
Hops
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Beth--I do feel a little pinch of hopefulness now that I have really got started. Nobody has given me a hard time either. For some reason that surprises me. Maybe it finally really is the right time to be taking care of this. Doors seem to be opening now. You know, I hardly ever ask for help. Too many defenses perhaps. Hard little nut.
Hops--My counselor suggested that with my history and a family history of this type of thing I might want to consider doing this for life. That's why she also suggested a psychiatrist further down the road, in case at some point it stops working and I need to switch. I'm just taking it as it comes at this point. But I don't plan to stop right away at all. I stopped Prozac after less than a year due to insurance issues. I think now that was a big mistake. But I can do it differently this time. How come you decided to stop? I seem to remember it helped you with back pain, too.
Well, must try to sleep. I guess I can't expect huge changes the first day! It might take a while to start sleeping better.
((((((((((()))))))))))
Juno
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That's great, Juno. What helps you, helps you.
I really am considering changing my mind, but if the SAM-e (double strength) will do the job, I'd like to do that. The reason is I have two or three prescription Rx I've GOT to take, and I don't like the way my body feels when I'm on several colliding prescriptions.
I take an anticonvulsant every night that also has an antidepressant effect, plus a statin, and if I enjoy a beer (I do) I just feel I'm piling up a lot of stuff for my body to process.
xo
Hops
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Juno,
I am glad you are taking steps to help yourself. I am on anti depressants and have been for years. I think there is some hereditary depression in the family. If something traumatic happens to me I spiral down and dont bounce back.
When I started to take stronger meds because of what has been going on for the last few years I went through about two weeks of sleeping and feeling a bit nauseous. Havent had a problem since then. The combination of counseling, making changes in my life and meds have helped enormously. Not that it was quick but more like a slow steady climb out of despair. I can cope with n coworkers now much better. I take nothing personally. i can see it for what it is. I dont take the bait. Not that I am immune but I cope better.
Hope it goes ok for you.
Love,
Seas storm
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Hops, I can definitely understand wanting to cut back on some of these substances. I would like to hear about how the SAM-e works for you. For now, the Cymbalta is the only thing I'm trying--I rarely drink and only take Sudafed for allergies. So, it's not too crazy yet! I do still feel gaggy, queasy today. It's good to know it's in there working, I guess.
Sea storm, those are exactly the results I am hoping for. My family also has a lot of emotional illness and I clearly remember the first time I felt depression when I was eleven. Have had it off and on since then. This latest and worst round began at the death of my father who we had been helping in his home for years. That, plus some other big things, took quite a toll. I just can't shake it on my own. I've been trying to for nearly four years now.
Thank you ladies--this is quite a learning curve for me. I feel like a beginner!
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Cymbalta in a "drug-nekkid" body is going to do you great good, I think, Juno...
xxoo
Hops
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"Drug-nekkid" LOL
When the counselor was going down the list of questions, she paused and said, "I have to ask you if you are doing ANY drugs, legal or illegal substances...." and I said, "THAT'S problem! I don't have ANYTHING between me and all this stuff! I should be drinking or something!"
Well, I know that's not the real problem..... but most people find a way to "cope" and I pretty much go the Raw Nerve Method. I am just so odd. I should be shopping myself into bankruptcy, or cleaning frantically, or drinking, or divorced, or just something. Then maybe someone out there in 3D land would identify with me.
My kids had something called "Straight Edge" when they were young. That's kind of me except I'm way too old.
Some day soon this will ALL be kind of funny. I was actually worried this morning that if I took some Mylanta for my stomach, it would interfere with the Cymbalta. I SO want the Cymbalta to work. So, I ate a banana instead. I don't even really like bananas.
Oh, these perfectionistic tendencies of mine.....
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I appreciate your sharing about medication, Juno...it's good to think about, and so individual.
I'm off the Cymbalta for a few weeks now and have noticed more emotionality.
BUT. Some of my anxiety symptoms are popping up here and there. Chest pain, SOB (shortness of breath) now and then. Spit.
Maybe I'll take a meditation class or something (I can preach it but not reach it, Lup! :))
I'd be really glad if I could control those w/o getting back on it. But if I need it, I'll do it.
I want to continue this trial period for a while before I decide though.
Mylanta mess with it? Hmmm. WebMD, I think, has a good database where you can plug in the name of any drug you take and add the names of any other drugs or supplements, and it will pop up any known interactions.
I've heard of grapefruit juice being a problem with quite a few Rx...Mylanta. Hmm. Dunno.
love
Hops
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Thanks Hops, I will check out WebMD. I didn't ask about interactions when I was in the doctor's office. I haven't been sleeping much at all since starting this a couple days ago. Hopefully that is just a side-effect that will wear off. My stomach is doing better already. I'm impatient--I want to be happy already!
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I just went back on it. Dang.
All the old things are back...SOB and chest pain and my boss is having Nflares and I'm just not able to suppress these damn symptoms on my own.
Grrr. I've scheduled a physical and I'll talk to my doc about it.
Hops
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....most people find a way to "cope" and I pretty much go the Raw Nerve Method. I am just so odd. I should be shopping myself into bankruptcy, or cleaning frantically, or drinking, or divorced, or just something. Then maybe someone out there in 3D land would identify with me.
Juno,
I've tried on several of those coping masks you mention... but that was when I had no awareness of the depths of depression in myself. I actually thought I was pretty happy. Anxiety... yes, I was aware of that.. but not the depression which underlay it.
Since leaving that rubbish behind,
what I've discovered is that here are other, far less obvious coping strategies which don't involve indulging in over-doing (eating, drinking, spending, sexualizing, or whatever...).
One such method which is only visible to those with whom we live is the tendancy to take all of that "energy" or drive which might otherwise be directed outward and use it to pick apart the self internally. Picking and pecking... that's kinda where I've been lately. If you've ever seen a bird under stress, he'll sometimes pluck out all of his feathers out of sheer desperation. It's alot like that... very messy and no less disastrous than the more blatant symptoms.
Calling a halt to it is not easy, but studying the dynamics of that interior critic and learning to hush that old voice is sure helping.
Love,
Carolyn
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Hi Juno,
Just getting back to this now.
That never-rebelling-as-a-teenager thing might well be key. I never did, either. It's really a developmental "must", I think.
I really would have been killed for it. It's been something I've been doing "lightly" the last few years, but I need to do more of it. The little I've done has been helpful. When I was discussing this a few months ago -- and this is uniquely my therapist, he's just funny sometimes -- he said "Good, I can look forward to bad patient behavior." And I believe he really would.
Things will settle down (or "up," I guess) for you. They will. You're doing all the right things and you've got lots of support. You're doing great!!
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Hops, it sounds like you don't want to have to go back on it. But it's better to feel good in my opinion.
I remember how adamant my father was against going on oxygen when his emphysema worsened. He didn't want to be "dependent" on anything. I told him, we are all "dependent" on oxygen, you just have to get it a different way. But that didn't really sway him. Then I reminded him that it wasn't just his lungs, but also his blood and that his blood would carry oxygen to ALL of his organs, so he was depriving his heart and liver, etc., of oxygen. That particular argument swayed him. It was still a shock to him when it was time. But he didn't fight it anymore. He needed it.
I guess for some of us, anti-depressants are like oxygen.
Well, aren't I a quick convert? Four days and it's like I've been on them forever. Except I'm the one who put it off forever. But when it's time, it's time. If you need them, you need them.
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Thank you, CB, I will check things out. Right now I'm using samples from the doctor and haven't gone to the pharmacy yet. But online will probably answer the questions I have. Thank you for your well-wishes. I'm very much looking forward to feeling better.
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That's interesting, Carolyn, that you didn't realize you were depressed while you were using the coping mechanisms. I guess they do act as a good distraction! I know someone who does the shopping thing and giving gifts all over the place. She probably considers herself happy, too. But I've always thought she was distracting herself from things. Or meeting some need she has rather than just being a generous person with the gift-giving part of it. She's in her late fifties and I don't think she'll ever learn.
I think with me I have always been kind of into my own head. Very aware of my unhappiness and restlessness. But most of the normal distractions were even more overwhelming to me. I guess that is something of a blessing in disguise. At any rate, we shall see.
Picking and Pecking--that's an appropriate image. I hope we both move on from that soon. It's tiring.
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Yes, Lilycat, depending on how things go and how I feel at the time, I'm hoping to work on age 14 with my counselor. If I can release some of those traumatic events, it should go a long way toward releasing me from my most troublesome triggers in the here and now. If that's how it works out, I will try to explain it on the board so that it makes sense. I have posted previously about age fourteen but I took down my Story thread and the old posts I wrote on it would be too hard to find at this point--all spread out through several threads. But if it is pertinent I'll talk about it again. I just think it would get at a lot of what is bothering me now.
"Bad patient" behavior.... I like that. It sounds like a stage. I'm hoping that my "badness" will be just a stage too. Never, never got to do anything rebellious or disobedient. Well, maybe a couple of little things. But nothing at all like normal kids do. I can be a real pain in the butt now when I want to. Hopefully, I will be more mature someday! When I'm not 14 anymore.