Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival => Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board => Topic started by: LilyCat on July 10, 2008, 12:46:38 PM
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Anger seems to be in all the threads lately, so this is just a general observation I'm throwing out there --
I've never heard this anywhere, but my own very original thought is that anger is the route to forgiveness -- that you really can't forgive someone until you've felt the anger. Really felt it. And then the air is more clear and if you are of a mind to, you are free to genuinely forgive. (Forgiveness is not just a mental thing or a decision or a bunch of words.)
This is just my observation, based on how it worked for me. And not asking anyone to forgive anyone or suggest that they do.
And you don't have to be through the anger to forgive. (OK, now this is turning into something about forgiveness...) For example, I forgave the N pastor long ago. I can't explain it, it's just something that arose in me. And I did it -- easily and relatively quickly and without particularly wanting to -- when I had told him I never would be able to, if he repeated the harassment charges. (Which he did.) I really meant it at the time, so I am very surprised that this has happened.
But it did. It just did. I didn't even have to work at it.
But that doesn't mean I no longer feel anger toward him. I do. It comes and goes.
Anger is ok, people. Just learn how to feel it and express it appropriately. And, as someone said, don't take it out on other people. Own it. Learn how to voice it appropriately. It's a good thing.
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Hi Lily -
I found a useful article with suggestions for how to safely release anger - and integrate & release other emotions. It involves mind, body and the emotion... and is effective. The article deals with breast surgery - but the emotional information is so very helpful. Often, those of us with abusive parents didn't learn appropriate ways of managing strong emotions - this article is kinda like a "how-to" guide.
I'm looking for lots of how-tos, these days, it seems.
http://www.amoena.com/tbcs/Renewal/EmotionalRecovery/ReleasingandIntegratingEmotions.htm
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Same website, immensely helpful, wherein I learned much about the difference between Emotional Repression -- and Emotional Acceptance and Expression
http://www.amoena.com/tbcs/Renewal/EmotionalRecovery/BlockstoGrievingandEmotionalRepression.htm (http://www.amoena.com/tbcs/Renewal/EmotionalRecovery/BlockstoGrievingandEmotionalRepression.htm)
Some people believe they will be "emotionally well" when they no longer feel anything “negative”. They have the mistaken belief that reaching the state of health means never feeling scared, angry, or sad. The truth about mental and emotional health is that it entails being comfortable with your emotions. To become emotionally well we have to learn to suspend judgment about our feelings as either good or bad, and accept them as simple human responses associated with living in this world in a body.
Also, I realized of the reality of the continuum regarding each of the 4 Basic Emotions; Anger, Sadness, Joy, and Fear (mad, sad, glad, and scared)
Irritation, annoyance, frustration, or rage are all forms of anger.
Each emotion runs on a continuum from mild to intense. For example, a little bit of sadness may be called disappointment, whereas intense sadness might be expressed as devastation, and a little bit of joy might be called feeling pleased, whereas a lot of joy could be called elation.
And importantly, most enlightening and validating for me personally, was the realization that both Negative and Positive emotions can and do - live together!
Leah x
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I think this is a very astute point, actually. I clearly remember the moment the rage was gone. It was like this massive, monumental empty space--at first I didn't even understand what had happened. I felt light, almost dizzy. For so long, rage had felt like a physical burden, heavy and hot and exhausting. The experience of having it vanish was like having an evil Siamese twin cut away, no longer whispering poison in my ear, because I turned a lot of anger inward. And forgiveness WAS a result. An unexpected result, but it was there. Not forgetting. Not letting him off the hook when he misbehaved. But understanding, as best I could. Understanding that he grew up in a monstrous household. I remember walking through Manhattan to work that day, it felt like my feet weren't touching the ground. Like I could fly.
Now, that's not to say I don't get angry at him. He's a world class piece o' work, and I get mad when he mistreats me, lies, gets up to his tricks. The difference for me is the anger isn't pervasive. It doesn't swamp my head, my heart or my life, and for that gift I'm both grateful and proud, because it took work. I'm watching, now, my brothers go through the anger. It was different for them, because in my family, males are valued, females are not--this is not an undercurrent, NF's rampantly, vocally misogynistic--and the awakening didn't really come for them until they had wives and daughters whom, I might add, my NF demeans and despises. So my brothers are now trapped in what I used to call my cage of rage, and they are finding out how hard it is to break loose. We talk about it: how they used to think, "get over yourself," and I used to hate how easy it all seemed for them. It has brought us closer.
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Dear Lily
I want to put my 2 cents in. I believe in the Bible ,BUT I did not get emotional healing from my spiritual beliefs. If you could get it from the Bible alone,IMO, I would be great by ,now b/c I tried for 13 years.
For me, my spiritual beliefs are the core of life for me. However, I was as screwed up as ever when I tried to get my spiritual beliefs to heal my emotions. I started healing when I started working with an Enlightened Witness, as Alice Miller calls it and started feeling the deep feelings.
The Primal Scream describes how emotons get stuck in your body and mind and you need to get them out, which is a different realm than the spiritual. I don't wish to debate my experience b/c it is my reality and not up for debate .I just wanted to share it for anyone who has an interest. Love Ami
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Oh, absolutely, Ami. I think the Bible points out the importance of such things as forgiveness and sets them as something to aspire to, but we are not told how to do it. Not at all. I understand completely what you're saying with you, and agree with you.
gjazz, all I can say is, Wow! Your experience sounds awful. You have written about it very powerfully.
Leah, Pheenix, thanks for the links. I'll check them out!
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I just had a strange thought:
what is it that dissapates anger? is there an antidote?
And I think, in some situations, there is.... like if you can put yourself in the position of the person you're angry with - see the conflict from their point of view... the conflict might still exist but the anger diminishes.
I'm talking garden-variety anger - not long buried, suppressed, unexpressed anger. Obviously, that has to be acknowledged and given it's full rage in the light of day, until it burns itself out.
Only reasons I bring this up; I think I saw this happen to me today... just not clearly yet.
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What I have worked through with realization is that it is so important to acknowledge / accept that one is feeling angry - wherever it may sit on the emotional continuum of anger.
Then stand back and assess, as in gain composure, evaluate the situation.
Angry is a normal emotion as one of the four basic emotions that is part of being a whole person.
Leah x
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What are the 4 basic emotions, Leah? Ami
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PR: I think you're right, putting yourself in someone else's shoes is a big help. For one thing, in my case at least, it made me see the person who had always seemed invincible as vulnerable. That alone was a help. Also, I think it's very important for me always to try to imagine walking in someone else's shoes, because that's exactly what my NF cannot do. He lacks empathy entirely. It took me a long time to understand this as a very serious limitation.
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Hi Ami, here they are .....
Also, I realized of the reality of the continuum regarding each of the 4 Basic Emotions; Anger, Sadness, Joy, and Fear (mad, sad, glad, and scared)
Irritation, annoyance, frustration, or rage are all forms of anger.
Each emotion runs on a continuum from mild to intense. For example, a little bit of sadness may be called disappointment, whereas intense sadness might be expressed as devastation, and a little bit of joy might be called feeling pleased, whereas a lot of joy could be called elation.
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Dissipating anger:
Well-placed humor -- the best antidote. Like magic.
Otherwise, feel the feelings, acknowledge it and own it; you don't necessariliy have to express it. (You might want to think about it overnight or something, for example, and then find an appropriate way to say it, if it needs saying.) Then you can start thinking about the other person's shoes.
I frequently do not think the other person's shoes are essential. Sometimes anger is just anger, and the person deserves your reaction.
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just read Anger, Pain and Depression at ...http://psychologytoday.com/articles/index.php?term=pto-3132.html&fromMod=popular_depression (http://psychologytoday.com/articles/index.php?term=pto-3132.html&fromMod=popular_depression)
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Personally, I found the chapter on Anger most enlightening and helpful - in David Richo's book " How To Be An Adult"
Again, I read and understood, that Anger is a natural feeling or emotion, that everyone experiences often and that it needs to be expressed in order to maintain good psychological health.
Of course, there is the continuum of anger -- from; frustration, irk, annoyance, right the way up the scale - to rage.
The opposite of which is, as I understand; 'Repression' and/or 'Denial' - which is not healthy, either psychologically or physically, as one's body is effected with aches and pains and ill health.
In simplest terms, as I understand, anger is the feeling or emotion that wants to say 'No' to; opposition, injury or injustice. [from "how to be an adult"]
I think, in essence, it's all about Choice -- accept one's feeling , emotion of anger, and deal with the situation, communicate -- OR, walk away from it with a choice of avoidance and denial.
Leah x
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Lily - yes, I agree that sometimes people do deserve to be on the receiving end of anger. Had that experience this week, too. (Guess I'm working a lot with anger in real life, this week...)
In the past, though - I always had a secondary reaction when I expressed anger at someone; I always felt guilty about it. THAT'S one thing that began changing this week - precisely because of what you said: sometimes the person deserves to know I'm angry.
If don't express my anger in explicit terms, the other person doesn't know I'm angry... or why. And so, they don't know I have a boundary there... and believe that they can trespass there and continue to violate it... and then I really DO meltdown in anger and I never permit myself the expression of what the trespass was or what I need/want instead. I'm thinking that it's important for me, to find out all the different ways I can express anger... the different shades... and to match those expressions with the importance of the situation.
That's what has always escaped me, because of stuffing the anger - being able to stop this self-fulfilling prophecy of stuffing anger - feel guilty - let it build - blow up - get embarassed - feel guilty... etc. There are lots of ways to express anger OTHER than a total meltdown.
Ah.... emotional education.... finally.
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Dandylife has created a thread over on the 'What Helps' board entitled "True Anger v Drama" from David Richo's book "How To Be An Adult"
here is ...
True Anger
- informs the hearer/creates attention in the hearer
- is meant to communicate with the other
- contains sadness or disappointment and these are acknowledged
- takes responsibility for this feeling as one's own
- asks for change but allows the other to change or not
- is nonviolent - always in control and within safe limits
- expresses an assertive response
- coexists with other feelings
that I have taken from Page 38 of How to Be an Adult by David Richo
Brilliant book.
Leah x
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from Page 37 of How to Be an Adult by David Richo...
..."Unexpressed anger is resentment. Anger can be unconsciously repressed and internalized. It then becomes depression. i.e. anger (resentment) truned inward.
When anger is suppressed, we choose - not to know, or not to show it."
Leah x
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This is my understanding of one aspect of my mother .. bitterness (regarding my father) which I believed, still believe, is the root of her REAL health issues [ not the imagined ones long story ]
WHEN ANGER TURNS TO BITTERNESS
We’ve all had the experience. Something or somebody makes us angry. A co-worker gets the promotion that we were expecting. Another person starts a rumor or is unfairly critical. Nobody knows what we’re thinking because we keep our feelings hidden, but anger flares inside. Sometimes it festers there for days or weeks and eventually it turns into bitterness. It’s a common human emotion that can be destructive if it isn’t checked.
What is bitterness?
Bitterness is an attitude of prolonged, intense anger and animosity, often accompanied by cynicism and resentment. The bitter person may have been wronged or frustrated, but he or she does not try to deal with the resulting anger. Instead, the person dwells on the individual or event that caused the anger. Instead of fading away, the anger builds in the mind, and often there is a determination or an obsession about striking back or getting even.
Bitter people tend to hold grudges and are characterized by sarcasm, critical attitudes, self-righteousness, negative feelings, and frequent conflicts with others. Sometimes emotional or physical illness results because bitterness held within gets in the way of the mind’s or body’s ability to function effectively.