Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival => Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board => Topic started by: LilyCat on July 11, 2008, 11:22:43 AM
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I may have turned a big corner with the N pastor deal. It feels like it. My experience so far has been that it comes up, then goes away, then comes back after awhile, that's why I say "may."
In any case, it feels like I have. We got a lot out at group Monday; I've been in the throes (throws?) of deep feelings about it for a few weeks ... and since Tuesday, it hasn't felt as deeply. Yesterday and today I feel like who cares about him? I'm not concerned for his spiritual welfare; I don't feel the need to intercede for him (but I probably will). I can barely remember the "good" person I knew for 10 years; I see him now mostly as the mean N. And it feels like it's largely in the past.
The other night on my way home from work I heard the suite from "Pelleas and Mellisande" by Faure. It's a lovely little work. I have a strong attachment to the piece because of someone I was platonicly involved with for 8 years. He was a conductor and we performed this piece in the orchestra we developed together. (Shall I say mostly I? He just conducted.)
I thought I learned everything I needed to know (dangers & pitfalls) about men from this guy -- but obviously I didn't!! Who knew that there were true Ns in the world? He hurt me very deeply, which is one of the reasons -- but not all -- I stayed away from men for so long.
In any case, as I listened I realized that I have good associations with this piece of music; I don't think of the bad guy, just the pleasant musical memory. Perhaps it will be like that, eventually, with the spiritual teachings the N gave to me and the few sermons I have on CD. (Which I have not listened to since the harassment investigation this winter.)
I'm thinking maybe I've worked through the larger part of the hurt. It feels that way. Like I can put him away in some drawer somewhere and be done with it/him.
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I had a dream this morning, before I woke up. I was back in the place where I used to live years ago, which is where the N now lives and works. It wasn't my destination in the dream, but I ended up there against my will, anyway. Then it became a long nightmare of getting out of town, the way I used to drive to my parents' home when I lived there. Except that I had to drive through this street, and it had changed since I'd lived there. Now, it was teeming with people -- very crowded -- and bad people. I was very afraid, kept trying to lock the doors on my car but had difficulty doing it. I was very afraid and felt very threatened while driving down the street; people were almost trying to get in the car, but not quite. I did manage to get away ... woke up right then. Didn't quite make it to the highway but far enough that I was safe.
I'm thinking this is all about the threat of the N. How threatened and afraid I actually felt, although I wouldn't let myself acknowledge it at the time.
This town is a difficult place for me -- my landlady there was a real bitch, and my living conditions were not good (a basement. Long story. If I ever write mine up here, it would be part of it.) So, a very difficult town. All these years later, I will occasionally have nightmares about being in that basement; then I know something is going on. I think the dream was combining the two.
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Also, I am thinking of taking writing more seriously. I always wanted to write fiction but never thought I could. Various things have seemingly been pointing me in that direction lately. When the N pastor episode exploded, as I thought about what I wanted to do, taking a fiction-writing course was one of them. People have responded very enthusiastically to the various things I have written (here, something I wrote about my dad when he died, etc.). And -- something -- when my friend here at work "got in touch" with my brother, the big message was that he wanted me to go back to writing, that he would help me. (He was a writer.) I had really given up on the writing thing years ago.
???? Can't hurt to try. (I was a marketing copywriter for 20 years prior to the last 5.)
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Dear Lily
I can tell how devastating the N's were to you. Life can seem overwhelming when N's appear at every juncture ,like bogeymen.
You seem to be leaving the N pastor ,behind. I know that has been a terrible road for you.
I hope that writing is something very special for you, Lily. Love Ami
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Thanks, (((((Ami))))
Yeah, these N's, they're nutcakes all right. Who knew? Thankfully I did not actually get embroiled with the man. The grace of God was looking out for me there.
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I am so glad for you LilyCat. I chose to believe that you have had a breakthrough. Even if some of it comes back - you still had a breakthrough. I encourge you to claim it and celebrate just as you have. Don't worry about the stuff coming back - it may but you are still stronger and stronger and more able to deal with it and you are clearly, clearly healing.
I am so glad because I know the week opened with much pain. Look how quickly you processed things. That is a wonderful encouraging sign.
Love to you -
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Thanks, SS. I really do think the worst of it is behind me.
Was feeling really well yesterday. Today I was depressed even before I got up (I was semi-conscious) but I think that might just be grieving. It's been a heavy-hitting week, with my cousin dying and my friend being basically diagnosed (he was my very first friend!) ... and the cumulative effect of all these loved people dying.
Anyway, thanks. Looking forward to seeing the pastoral counselor again tomorrow. (Even if my wallet isn't...)
Have a good weekend. Keep up the good work!
((((SS))))
LC