Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival => Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board => Topic started by: sKePTiKal on July 16, 2008, 12:10:53 PM
-
Well, thanks again to tt for pointing me in the right direction on this topic!
It's good news: I am accepting, claiming, owning my unconscious self and all those feelings (formerly known as "Twiggy") as ME. It's a strange feeling and process. It's ongoing... and may be for quite some time.
I got so used to talking about Twiggy as if she were another person - with her own thoughts, memories & feelings - but the inescapable fact is that she is me and I her. Yeah, I even blamed her for starting to smoke and thought that the problem of quitting belonged to her, too. I was WRONG. (see the Obsession vs Self-Acceptance thread).
It's me - the conscious Amber - who is physically addicted; who is using smoking to deny, ignore, not deal with the last bit of emotional processing that is necessary for Twiggy & Amber to finally be just one identity - mentally, emotionally, and psychically - in the same old baggy skin. Smoking was the only way I learned to be comfortable with all emotions - and I mean all of them!
I was taught that my emotions weren't important; that they were dangerous even. I had no reason to believe that they wouldn't just completely overwhelm me and make me as mentally ill as my mother; and I feared this and had no one to tell me otherwise. As intense as my emotions are - I was NEVER in a position where I couldn't function or not be able to think rationally. (Dissociation is another story; but those two experiences got smooshed together; confused for me.)
I have more emotional work to do in this phase.
The unconscious me, is way smarter and more powerful than "me". That's been proven over & over through countless bits of self-sabotage - those emotions; that self that I split off in the trauma-era simply wouldn't be denied or just "go away". When I let my unconscious self make the decision to quit smoking, the relationship between conscious-unconscious (Amber & Twiggy) subtly changed. All of a sudden, I began forgetting cigarettes. I forget to carry my pack - where I left them - even forget to buy them or bring them in the house.
I am aware that withdrawal is going to bring up the usual emotions. I was a bit worried about anger being predominant - but I don't think it will be what I have to finish dealing with. I think it will be grief; powerful, intense, grief... for all the losses that figure into my "story"; for the loss of my coping mechanism (smoking); for all the people that I have to "let go" in this last dash for freedom and self-integration and survival.
I'm working with the BecomeanEx support group. I loved their commercials - of relearning how to do everything without cigarettes; they're hilarious! I really connected those images with my idea of "practicing"... which is close enough to their "separating". One of the steps in all these CBT techniques is clearly defining WHY you want to quit.
Conscious me wants to quit for health reasons; but you know what? For someone who's spent most of her life locked in self-imposed abusive cycles - that's simply not important enough a reason. After all, I'm conditioned to believe that what I want isn't important; I'm used to my need not getting met. It hasn't been enough so far.
So I asked Twiggy why she wants to quit. She wants to be like BEFORE the trauma; before the splitting. Reintegration, in other words. A worthy, powerful want... and what's the only thing standing in the way of reintegration? My conditioned, addicted, non-accepting, coping mechanism for not feeling ALL my emotions, clear & pure, without any kind of "filter": smoking.
That sorta explains my obsession, too, doesn't it? HOPEFULLY, this is the end of the conversation about smoking. I'm hoping to use this thread to talk about the experience of reintegrating, primarily. My Quit Date is Friday - was last Friday, but I had to reschedule a server upgrade last week. And I know I need to not be trying to quit while upgrading a server! I can't predict my mental/emotional state... at least, in the past, this was true.
I get the sneaking suspicion that this time, the quit is going to be completely different than I imagine it from this side of it.
Since I'm going FOCUS on reintegration - not "quitting". Well DUH, right? :D
-
Wow! You go girl! You're doing great -- on a roll!!
It takes a lot of courage (and smarts) to face up to what you are, and pull it all together. Good for you.
-
OH thanks Lily!
and before someone reminds me that I still have to deal with the addiction - yep; got that covered, too.
I just have to willing to "go where no (wo)man has gone before" emotionally... while I figure out this reintegration... all the while managing the quit to help it along.
-
Good Luck PR,
Always finding ourselves taking another route? I went back a few times and started over.
Splitting''tee hee." When grandson at 19 came to see me, I talked to him about when he was born to 4½ and there I was talking to him as though the other little boy was totally separate. I called the little boy by name, instead of saying to him, "you" It was really the weirdest sensation.
Something happened--don't remember what but it knocked my 4 cigs a day up tp 6-7. I have to figure this out and get down, gal!
take care
Izzy
-
A quick note to acknowledge your work. I am so amazed and so glad for you.
-
Some notes about this process.
I am able to observe what's going on - and bring things into my conscious mind - but the actual "doing" of this re-integration is being managed by my unconscious self. This, I'm finding, requires that a lot of times "I" have to "get out of the way" - because "I" am the dysfunctional part of myself... (a lot of my identity, some will remember, was programmed to fulfill a certain "role" and to deny my feelings...)
... My usual "I"dentity is the part with the habits, beliefs, & attitudes that need to change. As I make myself "safe" for unconscious self to BE, that unconscious self is making it's presence known to "me"... as being "ME".
In a nutshell - I've discovered that conscious me was always judging and distancing itself from unconscious me. Unconscious me got me ridiculed, punished, and shunned. She was dangerous - in that old abusive environment - because there were heavy-duty emotions resulting from trauma/brain injury that were simply pushed out of the way and never resolved, allowed to be, or validated. I now believe that it's not possible to completely "stuff" that unconscious self; it kept showing up in self-sabotage - LOOKING FOR ATTENTION AND RECOGNITION - FROM CONSCIOUS SELF. I've denied it "reality" for 40 years. (not a recommended technique; but it did help me survive...)
The judging was B&W thinking based on my mom's predisposition and reality. If a feeling was something she understood, that feeling was "safe"... OK. If it was anything that didn't exist to her: it was dangerous...
My unconscious self wants to be like "I" was before the trauma - integrated with my conscious self. I had "ESP" then - not so much Extrasensory Perception... I had "Emotional Sensory Perception". Maybe that's a survival adaptation to being born to a totally dysfunctional family; maybe it was true nature. My mom pretty much killed that emotional perception for a long time - because almost ANY emotion expressed from me reflected off her own emptiness - her own lack of or refusal to allow - normal emotions. It "hurt" her, you know?
And I was always a good girl - caring - caretaking so I did my best not to "hurt" her and have to endure her awful rages at me... or worse those maliciously evil silences - more abandonment/shunning.
That was the jaws of the trap... how I stayed "split" for so long... if I'd been able to be with normal people in 1969/70... I probably would've healed just fine over some months. But I lost all the adults who were helpful and validating of my "ESP"... that was Twiggy's/My biggest loss in that time-frame.
Through this re-integration process,the "ESP" is coming back - being set free...
I guess I should stop analyzing it now... and simply ENJOY it. Let it BE.
-
Amber, here's a link to an article that might help with the non-smoking.
http://www.clinicalpsychiatrynews.com/article/S0270-6644(08)70410-7/fulltext
You may have to register on the site to read it, but there's no cost and it's well worth it.
There was an article in theJuly issue that also might help, but it's not online yet.
I find your re-integration journey so interesting. It sounds like you're making a lot of progress. I resonate when you talk about not being allowed to have feelings, but your experience sounds so much worse.
Keep going!
-
Iz:
it's not so much "other routes" - it's just that there is a LOT of stuff involved... and it ALL matters. Everything I've learned about smoking and how it relates to Twiggy/me... and WHY I smoke and have such a hard time getting started on a quit... all that stuff is the crushed gravel, tar & white/yellow stripes of getting there.
I'm getting closer to seeing something totally monumental today... about just what I'm letting go... and knowing that I CAN trust my unconscious self... and that the "problem" of smoking doesn't belong my unconscious self - she remembers what it's like to not smoke and she WANTS that (the obsession with quitting) - no, the addiction and emotional NEED to smoke belongs to what I usually call "me". That's what I'm untangling now..... trying to let that go... and give over control of the process to my unconscious self.
-
The judging was B&W thinking based on my mom's predisposition and reality. If a feeling was something she understood, that feeling was "safe"... OK. If it was anything that didn't exist to her: it was dangerous...
Yes. Well said.
Amber, I don't understand the re-integration process very well, and often feel like I'm many steps behind, but just wanted to let you know that I'm still reading and wishing you the best.
Love,
Carolyn
-
Thanks Carolyn! I'm really needing to feel connected to people right now.
Today, I can see that it was a useful, good thing for me to think about my unconscious self - that blocked part of my memory & emotions - as a separate person; give her a name... at that point in the process. Because it is me - my normal conscious self - that was terrified/paralyzed by the content of those memories and the emotions that went with them; it was me that blocked them from consciousness in response to encouragement and coercion - nobody else could've done this to me, without "conscious self's" participation.
I first had to identify the memories... feel the emotions that came with those memories (basically, I relived events... complete with body memories) and get to know them. I needed knowledge of what had happened... from that block time in my life.
I was getting familiar with and comfortable with that block of time... a chunk of me... getting used to the whole idea of the trauma, the aftermath, and seeing how dysfunctional my FOO was... how MI my mother really is.... getting used to this whole side of ME that I didn't even know about for over 30 years. It's taken some years to do this. I was absorbing that this was REAL and really happened to me... despite what my mother told me at the time.
And in the process, I learned how to listen for the voice of my unconscious self... to feel those feelings... still as an "other". Still not just ME... not whole; one person. And maybe it's time to simply think about it a different way... not as other... as me. After all - MY nickname when I was 12 was Twiggy. Those are MY memories... and those were MY feelings... it was ME that got shunned, too.
I don't have to hide "me" or Twiggy.
I don't have to have 100%, 24/7 CONTROL over Twiggy... anymore than I need to do that with my conscious self. Those kinds of rules - that kind of control - are only needed in abusive situations.
I don't have to deny anything that Twiggy felt, I don't have to deny the facts of my experience, I don't have to be ashamed of or afraid of Twiggy... that time in my life and who I was then....
because the person who abused me for it at the time, can't do that anymore.
Because there never was anything "wrong" with me - when I was Twiggy - or now.
So, today I think I'll just STOP thinking and talking about Twiggy as if she was someone OTHER... as if she isn't ME. She IS ME... her thoughts & ideas are mine; her feelings are mine.
That's reintegration.
-
I'm coming to this late but I want to make some comments. I'm going to start a little at a time and just keep adding to is as I read one post at a time.
When I read this: I am aware that withdrawal is going to bring up the usual emotions. I was a bit worried about anger being predominant - but I don't think it will be what I have to finish dealing with. I think it will be grief; powerful, intense, grief... for all the losses that figure into my "story"; for the loss of my coping mechanism (smoking); for all the people that I have to "let go" in this last dash for freedom and self-integration and survival.
I wanted to say that you can do it. Don't be afraid of the feelings - easy for me to say. I am learning that I can re-experience the extraordinarily powerful feelings. They do take me down and they do last a day and maybe two but then they re-integrate and their power and the loss from repression is GONE. I had no idea how much I was losing to the repression, much worse than the pain that emerges.
Unconscious me got me ridiculed, punished, and shunned. She was dangerous - in that old abusive environment - because there were heavy-duty emotions resulting from trauma/brain injury that were simply pushed out of the way and never resolved, allowed to be, or validated.
I am feeling really connected to what you have written. Because the unconscious you got abused you have repressed her. That is exactly what I am seeing in me. But that person I had to repress was the real me and she was not deserving of the abuse. I always thought she did deserve it because she was not the person she needed to be and was so frustrated trying to get to be that person. But that was the little girl - not me. Now I see that the ME is actually a great person and can do all the things that I can't do. So I am going to let her come back - slowly allowing her pain to come up so I can feel it instead of repress her.
-
SS:
Yes, the emotions come up and with a vengeance... not always at a time when I can devote time to addressing them. Sometimes, I have to simply keep on going - despite how I'm feeling. Sometimes, I see my self-defeating routines/habits so clearly getting in the way of expressing what I'm feeling... feeling what I'm feeling... and asking to have to my needs met. There are plenty of people around me trying to meet my emotional needs - if I'd only let them.
I always thought she did deserve it because she was not the person she needed to be and was so frustrated trying to get to be that person.
That might be part of my problem. Thank you.
-
I am in your corner on this Phoenix.
Sometimes, I see my self-defeating routines/habits so clearly getting in the way of expressing what I'm feeling... feeling what I'm feeling... and asking to have to my needs met.
I get it. Today I am going to tackle some of my mess. It is more difficult than you could ever imagine. I am delaying. I popped out of bed without fear of facing it. That is huge but I have been delaying, delaying, delaying. Apparently there is more fear than I realized. As I face this I am going to hold that child's image in my mind and be there for her, encouraging her and comforting her. She is so much more wounded than I ever understood. She had no comfort and needed so much. I know you are working to reintegrate Twiggy but you may find that it may help in doing that by holding her, comforting her and encouraging her. Don't criticize yourself when you get caught in these self-defeating routines/habits. Comfort and encourage yourself. Have compassion for that part of you that is stuck.
I may be writing more to myself than to you about all of this but the message is coming clear to me. If what I write does not apply to you just ignore it. I'll let you know how it works for me today.
Love and encouragement to you PR.
-
It's not much that I am working to reintegrate Twiggy.
My role is to get out of the way; to let go of control over the process and simply trust my unconscious self. To learn to simply BE ME.
The control of reintegration resides in my unconscious self - I can either hinder this process, make it more difficult by maintaining my dysfuctional habits, routines, and abuse-mentality beliefs....
or I can get out of the way. Let it happen.
It will be all right; nothing bad will happen.
-
I think I understand what you mean by that. But I wonder how you do that?
-
Hi there! Just saw you pop in...
yeah, that's the interesting thing about this whole process: "I"... my conscious self... doesn't have to "do" anything... more I need to STOP doing some things. For instance, I just realized the other day, that I've spent a lot of time & energy controlling (or trying to) how other people perceive me. Of course, I learned to do this, to avoid abuse from my mother.
By just "letting it all hang out", to borrow an old phrase - to express my emotions and not attempt to self-censor, or edit, or make my words - my expression of emotion - politically correct. I have been able to do this, this week. Letting the chips fall where they may... and essentially, just being "me"... the way I am without hiding or trying to make myself appear to be something "acceptable". Not worried about being "acceptable" for what I really think & feel.
That's one thing; I'll probably find some more!
That's sort of a confusing description, I guess. But my conscious self has always invested a lot of time in trying to say what I have to say, express my feelings, without hurting anyone else's feelings, making them angry, or threatening them in any way. I am oh-so-careful with words. And in the process, I end up silencing myself and mystifying other people through this heavy editing process. Especially when there are really strong feelings behind my words.
So I'm sort of stripping away those learned habits & routines that I developed as "camo" for surviving in an abusive environment. It's SAFE for my unconscious self to come out from her hiding place now... and be herself... me.
-
HUH.
I was just outside smoking before a meeting and the co-worker who asked me for my T's contact info for his wife (who's going through some things similar to what I did/am) just said...
"You ain't never gonna quit smoking THAT way". "I guess it's all about maintaining some level of sanity, isn't it?"
And I saw in a flash - that's EXACTLY what the smoking is about... 40 years ago.... and now. I'd just posted the above about controlling how other's see me - and was ruminating on whether I try to control other people... my smoking is all about hanging on to MY understanding of "reality" when in a situation where no one else has a clue about normal reality...
well DUH.
-
Letting the chips fall where they may... and essentially, just being "me"... the way I am without hiding or trying to make myself appear to be something "acceptable".
Yes, I get this. I have come to this same place. It is nothing short of miraculous for me. It completely changes so much in my life and yet the big blocks have not changed.
I think the "self-consciousness" that I lived with until recently is precisely from the need to "control" their reaction to me - to avoid more humiliation, more shame. That was the learned me not the real me. The self-conscious me was never ME, it was the person who tried to be what would be safe from them but it never was and it caused so much more trouble with everyone else for me.
my smoking is all about hanging on to MY understanding of "reality" when in a situation where no one else has a clue about normal reality...
That's incredible! What an insight. Glad for you. I'm getting memories and understandings too. More interested in seeing if the blocks fall than caring about the insights and memories. For me they either lead to my feedom/healing or who cares. Bad attitude but I have only one goal - to be free to function as the person I know that I am - the person who was shamed into dysfunction now free to function fully and pursue my interests and follow through and enjoy life.
-
My tai chi teacher is so, so wise. She says she repeats things so much, because we don't hear it until we're READY to hear it. My colleagues' comment is a case in point. I'd sorta let the smoking thing go for a few days since once again totally blowing my quit date...
it's a long story - more crazymakers in my life again and some serious physical work demands - and it just seemed easier to back off the smoking issue for a few days. But what it was REALLY, was my need to over-control myself... once again... to hang on to whatever normal reality is for ME... until the crazymakers backed off and my normal day-to-day returns. EDIT IN: with PTSD symptoms and being so easily triggered emotionally by all that part of my story locked away in my unconscious... for me, life was always precariously perched on the edge of total chaos and emotional storms... and I relied on my smoking ritual, my routines, to control... to make a safe-zone... for myself. When in reality - the danger threat simply wasn't that dire.
My colleague & I have been trading no-holds-barred conversations about some of the things his wife & I have/are going through emotionally. (I haven't shared gory details yet.) I sort of recognized something in his wife - have known them both almost 10 years now - something familiar. We both have adult children who are aggressively self-destructive. He's someone I know I can say/do/be absolutely myself with... and nothing phases him... except his worry over his wife. So it's apropos that today's words of wisdom came from him... he doesn't even know (yet) how important they are.
I'm still sort of incredulous about how much sense his off-hand remark makes; how it sums up the whole smoking thing in a nutshell - "maintain my sanity". Indeed. He's the unquestionable BEST troubleshooter I know...
-
OH MY :shock:
I just told him how that comment hit me - and he said I could probably do the same thing with a really good fart!
:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
-
OK - back to integration!!
Finally dawned on me that integration has been going on since my first weeks of therapy. THAT'S what "healing" is all about. The kind of split I experienced isn't like DID...like a completely separate personality; conscious me always knew about Twiggy... my nickname at that age.
... Twiggy took those painful, not allowed memories & feelings deep into my unconscious... but Twiggy, and those memories & feelings are ALL STILL ME.
And therapy was the process of emotional forensic archeology... digging out pieces of memory - pulling the emotions attached to the memories out into the light of day... and reliving & dealing with them. The reintegration - like so many of the things we work through - happens so slowly, gradually... that I never saw that it was happening. AS IF the process was happening through the work of the unconscious self.
The finish line is oh, so close... I'm more able to express my feelings (and know what they ARE) than at any other time in my life. Right now, the universe is giving me an opportunity to even "practice" dealing with crazymakers... to find ways to create a new kind of "SAFE" for me now... to lessen those old, triggerable wounds... so that one day soon... I just won't even think about it anymore; it won't be a big deal - after all, don't I have 40 years of experience dealing with those old PTSD symptoms, already?? And bunch of better ways of coping with them???
Yeah, buddy....
-
Well, THIS step is done... reintegration. I didn't do a thing to "make" this happen except LISTEN very closely to what Twiggy (my inner child; my unconscious self) had to say and claim her story, her feelings, her thoughts.... as ME.
She was getting impatient with me, because she thinks I'm dense... grownups are too slow to "get it", you know? Never mind, that I've been well-schooled to ignore her, dismiss her story, minimize everything she survived, and try to whitewash - and explain away - what happened. The reason for that follows... but it should be obvious to anyone here who's dealt with N's... and dysfunctional FOO's.
When I asked Twiggy what she wanted... that if she could have anything what would it be? She said she wanted to be "like before"... a whole self. I realized that my smoking was a way to prevent that from happening... to push her & her feelings to one side... I was reinforcing the message that I got from my FOO... that I wasn't important; I didn't matter.
SS's work with humiliation - and the walking with her on that path that I did - helped me to realize that the ultimate humiliation is the realization that you don't matter to your parents. INDIFFERENCE to my achievements, prevention of pursuing goals, parentification - and the responsibility of caring for, teaching, my brother and taking over my mother's responsibilities and then enduring criticism for it... were all ways that I learned I didn't matter.
Not being allowed to know the facts of my rape - and the horrible aftermath... not being allowed to even feel my normal feelings about it... equaled: I don't matter. The focus was always on my brother - the golden child. ALWAYS. Before and after the traumas. I didn't matter, except to criticize when I attempted to fulfill my mother's role in the family and still maintain my only path to freedom & escape - my school work - and ya know, it was a LOT to put on a 12 yr old. Especially a 12 yr old who'd been FORCED to split off a part of herself to be "acceptable" to her mother. Because, what no one realized, is that those feelings don't just disappear...
... those feelings plagued me through self-sabotage, through self-destructive habits like I was possessed by some hidden, powerful demon. It was just Twiggy trying to get my attention... to get me to reclaim her... to help her be like she was before. 40 years of this before I finally realized that I CAN claim her... her story... and her feelings.
I've told the story of the angel that rescued me (dissociation) during the rape. Just before I regained consciousness, he gave me his sword and told me it wasn't "my time" yet. I cried, begged & pleaded to not have to go back. Because I didn't want to have to endure the WORSE misery of my life with my family... I desired to stay "dead" rather than face the "trouble" and insanity that I knew would be my fate. This desire got turned into that self-sabotage and self-destruction, I think.
I learned to make excuses, used my creativity to explain away the dysfunction in my family - to PRETEND that I was an important part of it... and in one way, it was my effort that was responsible for everyone's getting through those tough years. Because I CARED. I had compassion for everyone BUT ME... a big ole' softy heart that believed that if I worked hard enough, sacrificed myself enough - hell, if I died trying - THEN, they would care about me.
But they didn't. They don't. They believe the wonderful fairy-tales I created about us - and the way we "were". They are totally indifferent to me - my life - and my feelings: TODAY. What I never realized until today, is that IS freedom. And because Twiggy/me is the ONLY one of the family who knows the WHOLE TRUTH and is willing to tell it... therein lies immense power as well. Because I can completely destroy the fairy-tale lies that they believe and their image of themselves simply by TELLING the TRUTH.
But I won't. It will be denied again - and there's no point sticking my hand in THAT fire, again.
Twiggy was very, very interested in power. She learned as much as she could about it and what she was most interested in was the wise use of power. By reclaiming ALL of Twiggy I can finally USE power to finish saving my self... to stop the habits - the reflex to prefer death over life - to use my compassion, my caring to finish up this long, long journey and to use the power of that caring where it is wanted, needed, and appreciated.
Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. That's MUCH BETTER, now.
-
PR - I was working yesterday to acknowledge my pain and to then move out of it so I could function. As I was sitting there doing that I felt like a Phoenix rising out of the ashes - so of course I immediately thought of you. The power of the concept of the Phoenix came through to me so strongly in that moment. The power of that rising, that resurrection gave me strength and encouragement. I remembered that moment as I read your post.
When I read you, Twiggy is so real, so distinct, so personified. I see what you are doing and see how valid it is for me as well but I only have LG (little girl) and she is so amorphous. But I see her strength and am ready to give my control over to her. LG is full of ideas and hope and energy. LG is compassionate and idealistic. She is not aware of the abuse and learned helplessness that will later bind her. She is bound only by her financial impotence but she is not aware of it. She believes that if she needs monetary resources or other help that she has access to it. She does not know that the N controls the faucet and will shut off all flow to her.
Had she seen the truth, she would have done an end run around the man whom she trusted and found access from another source and been empowered. Instead she backed down and acquiesced awaiting her "turn" as a bright young military officer would respect the orders of a superior awaiting his own rise, waiting to EARN his due. I did what was asked and demanded of me, the respectful and diligent discipline but I paid the ultimate price. Now I see that I can return to that LG before she actually gave her power away out of a sense of filial duty, believing that it was the respectful, disciplined way to go that would be rewarded richly in the appropriate time. I sold myself into slavery by being dutiful and obedient. That is an ultimate betrayal and a sacrifice of life.
My father sacrificed my life to feed his own lust for blood. He gave life to me in order to feed his own desire. The horror and dehumanization is as real as men who sacrifice their daughters in exchange for livestock or blessing from the Gods. He completely sacrificed me. But LG is still there. LG's power and exuberence for life still flows. Her creativity has never died and never waned. It is all there ready to be tapped.
I would not have known this if Twiggy had not told me. But I don't hear LG's voice the way you hear Twiggy's. I must find a way to connect to LG. Twiggy is so clear to you I must open my heart, mind and soul to LG.
-
Become even as little children, SS... I don't know the right words to this bible verse, but it was something that came to me, after working with Twiggy for a year or better. And this - my experience - is the meaning of it, for me.
I had to so completely own Twiggy and all her emotions... all the memories she could remind me of... to finally be whole. To be able to clearly see the situation I'd been so enmeshed in... and to finally realize that I was only fighting the years of repetition of old habits... based on Twiggy's wish to finally MATTER to people who were indifferent. And of course, I thought there was something I could do to change that all these years. That it was my task to find out what that was... and when there was clearly no way I could matter EVER... the last thing left was to hurt myself.
Well, duh. That didn't change them, either. Just got me laughed at and called stupid names.
LG lives.... like "Frodo lives!" All you need to do is learn to sit quietly - sort of meditation, but safe and relaxed - and bring up a picture of LG; a memory. Watch and listen. She will reach out to you, begin to tell you secrets and you will get to know her. You may be able to reach out to her with comfort and compassion, too, if she's sad or confused by those old experiences.
And maybe instead of LG, you need to find to find an older "you"... one who was beginning to fear getting up in the morning... and work with her, instead. I wasn't called Twiggy until 11-12. Little Amber - LA - was also sad, also anxious, had trouble sleeping because of the terrors of fights in the dark... But it was Twiggy - the older me - who had been so cruelly denied being. It was Twiggy and her story that was so, so important to understanding why LA was so, so sad.
Maybe LG has the secret and will tell you. Maybe it's an older you.
I learned how to access Twigs from my T. It sounds way too simple to believe it would work - but maybe that's because I felt safe with my T, I'd learned to do this to calm anxiety... and I've always been a visual person. It's as simple as sitting in a grounded position... slow breathing... relaxing... and letting my mind lead me to Twiggy - where ever she was. Over time, that evolved into being able to respond to Twigs' needs wherever/whenever... she would let me know what she needed. Over time, that got to the point where I could myself - within my body - feel myself as Twiggy; in the shower, at tai chi... and as I let that awareness settle in and became comfortable with it... I think the whole integration process got started.
The spirals in the re-telling of the story started to get smaller & shorter; the repeated reframing and calling a spade a spade helped a lot to pull me back together. You can do it, too, I think. Let me know if I can help...
-
I am going to post something about myself here. I want to explain why. I thought about putting it on my own thread about Healing with Compassion but it really follows on my last post on this thread of yours PR. I feel the strong need to apologize to you because this is about you and Twiggy and yet I am strongly, powerfully moved in response to what you are doing. I have this incredible push and pull - pull to participate here and reluctance, sense of inappropriate invasion of your space. That is why I am apologizing.
Here is what I figured out after my last post a few minutes ago:
I have needed direction and freedom from the powerful psychological prison in order to act. LG can give me that direction. The healing I have been working on can give me the freedom. It is still frightening. I have been in prison so long - the fear and anxiety take over without thought and seem to be such a part of who I am. (I do not know who I am without them.) That is the lie that I must destroy. For some unknown reason, as I write this, I recognize that I actually have a reluctance to let go of this prison. I am astonished by that. I guess that is where I must focus first. This makes me very, very angry.
Again - my apology for my selfish intrusion into your work with Twiggy. Please forgive me.
-
Thank you so much for sharing about how you are able to hear Twiggy's voice. LG - the one who knows what I need to do is an adolescent I am clear about that.
I so get how the Tai Chi works. I am getting this. Thank you.
-
Oh, just like you welcome my connection of Twiggy-work on your thread - you're most welcome to post about yourself here. Apology isn't necessary... not an intrusion - a welcome validation rather, that it's all becoming oh, so clear - FINALLY. I didn't want to keep posting on your thread because it felt like I was stepping all over your path - with my urgent need to get to the "finish line". I can imagine that maybe you feel something similar... ??
I do understand the familiar comfort of the old "prison". I still feel quite a bit of anxiety about stepping out of mine. It's showing up for me, in a no-nonsense (maybe even heavy-handed) setting of boundaries with people who expect to be able to take out their frustrations on me... who want me to be responsible for their lack of attendance/interest at training and consequent difficulty with technology - despite the opportunities I've provided for them. These people have no idea what a powder-keg lies beneath my insistence that they treat me with respect! And I still have the old reaction - oh.... why did I say that?? Maybe they'll take it the wrong way... maybe I just made things worse... and I still go smoke to push that away too.
But NOT FOR LONG.
This reaction is getting less & less intense. I AM important enough to expect the people who rely on me for help, to be civil and not make unrealistic demands of my time. The more secure I feel with that boundary... the more I can afford to be kind & generous (but firm) with those who don't seem to know such boundaries exist. It gets easier every time I do this. I've even asked my hubby to clean off his mess on the dining room table so I can change the cloth that's been on there since Christmas! He did try. (He didn't finish... but that's a different problem... and it's not mine).
Yes, I do believe if you can "tune" yourself to listen for LG, she'll point the way. She's knows what's right for you... and you, her. She needs YOU as much you need HER. Comfort, compassion, patience all help. I've been working with Twiggy now, for what? 3 years? At first - like any other stifled teen - she couldn't shut up. I have over a dozen journals of Twiggy dumping out all the sorrow, pain, anger, outrage of that first 12 years of my life... sometimes repeatedly... and sometimes realizing the same realizations over again. Until she's finally gotten it all out of her system...
... or so I thought, until I read your Shame/Humilation thread. There was yet another thing we had to face - Twiggy and me - together. The humiliation of not mattering. So you just make yourself at home here - or I'll come visit over on your thread! Because you helped me see - and finally face the emotion that goes with not mattering. And YOU matter to ME... so we can just keep on going in BOTH threads, if you like! I'm not going anywhere.
:D
-
Amber and SS,
Just popping in for a moment to say how much I get from reading your threads, and to say thanks for putting everything out there.
I think it's very courageous, and also very generous.
cats paw
-
Thanks, Cats Paw... I've missed seeing you around!
I think I've made another discovery about this re-integration stuff... having been struggling with smoking - and not smoking/smoking at intervals.
I quit 8/1... I didn't smoke Fri, Sat or Sun. It didn't bother me - the "craves" weren't that bad. Monday morning I stole one from my hubby... and worked through the whole entitlement to "forbidden pleasure" that seemed to be involved... but then I got really angry - at myself - for smoking one... and I bought a pack. Smoked it on Tuesday, except for 3 for the next morning.
What it was - was Monday morning. My job is unpredictable. On any given day, I have no idea what I'll be walking into when I come in the door. This time of year, it's even worse - because there are lots & lots of panicked profs who think the sky is falling and asking for my help... PLUS I'm struggling to document new software, prepare training materials, schedule training sessions - oh yeah - and dealing with real underlying tech issues.
"Anything to maintain a semblance of sanity" is the whole underlying theme. Including smoking, don't ya know?
What's going on - and has been mostly unconscious - or maybe I should say it took a while to gradually become conscious... is that I'm being put into a position of being responsible for other people's feelings (the prof's panic) and their actions (not paying any attention to instructions, then getting themselves into a pickle). Tuesday is the day I meet with my boss on a weekly basis - and if he's not an N, he's got similar mental health issues to my mom. He creeps me out, isn't competent, and we lie and cover up for him all the time: SAME THING - being the responsible one... being responsible for what isn't my problem... it belongs to someone ELSE...
I have resigned myself to learning how to deal with the triggers in my work environment, as it's the shortest path to retirement with benefits. But I pushed myself over the edge when I stopped smoking...
... emotional triggers - not nicotine craves - are my downfall. And the big one - my current stumbling block - is fixable with a boundary, I think. Making the boundary CLEAR that I'm not responsible... it's not my job... to always be the hero for these people. To worry MORE about my SELF and my quit... to keep trying... not give up... than everyone else... STOP PROTECTING their feelings... their image... period.
And then I have to work on not being afraid of success. THIS is what I discovered today. I was doing JUST FINE on my quit... then I got scared. "The other shoe dropping syndrome" of abused kids. OMG... I was actually doing it! I wasn't smoking and I wasn't non-functional, or an emotional basket case! OMG!! Who was going to come along and ruin it? Who was going to take credit for it? Who was going to put me down for it? This worry combined with the implanted false idea... that I am not able to control my emotions, that I am somehow DOOMED to fail (sabotage)... because of who I am (inherently shameful - AGAIN)....
I realized that I sabotaged myself - to PROTECT my SELF. That I feared success because of the constant emotional battering I took at my mother's hands for ANYTHING I accomplished for myself... for daring to put myself and what I wanted before her needs... so I sabotaged myself to avoid that ego-injury... so that I wouldn't incur her invalidating attention...and abuse.
I smoked - as sabotage - as a pacifier for the emotional needs I dared not express. I smoked to protect HER feelings, her needs... to not make her feel "less than" by comparison... I smoked to throw myself in front of an oncoming train... for HER - and all these people at work...
a.) because I cared, was responsible, knew what & how "to do"...
b.) because I was expected to be responsible (no emotional boundaries) for things that were OUT OF MY CONTROL - like her feelings, her responsibilities... etc.
c.) to hide my own feelings & needs under that veil of smoke... and "make do"... that way.
d.) to always fail, always struggle, always be powerless - but STILL expected to be the hero - so OTHER PEOPLE wouldn't feel bad.
I feel like a real sucker - duped - taken advantage of. I am astounded at myself for participating in this rediculous, absurd cycle. Flabbergasted; Flummoxed. AMAZED.
And the sad thing is, that smoking was the actual connection between me and Twiggy. It was how I was able to separate her... and listen to her... and get through the emotions and memories of her story until the emotions had worn themselves out. Smoking was how I worked with Twiggy most mornings. And now, it's the last friggin' obstacle to "being like before"...
Hubby quits tomorrow. It's fortunate that I got to this realization... now... so I don't wreck HIS quit... and can get back on my own. But it's still gonna take a lot more work... to deal with all those emotional triggers... separate the smoking from them... separate my work with Twiggy from smoking....
Wish me luck, say a prayer... think kind thoughts. I'm going to need all the help I can get to put myself & my feelings outside of this box I've been in.
-
Keep doing it PR. Each time you work through more and more of this stuff you get closer and closer to freedom. Never give up. This past weekend and week have been very successful! You quit and had three very good days. Your triggers took over on Tuesday but you quickly discovered what they were. You have exposed those triggers and in doing so rendered them impotent. This is the process that I am finding very, very helpful.
I admire you and am so proud of you. You have given up so much for your mother and subsequently for others. But you are breaking that chain - link by link.
-
Dear Amber,
always fail, always struggle, always be powerless - but STILL expected to be the hero - so OTHER PEOPLE wouldn't feel bad.
I read this and burst into tears.........my story......my experience...
I hate the struggle with being watchful, trying to understand, I want to be, I want to be light and easy and I am so SICK of the sadness, it feels like it is neverending. And of course I have to go into Adult and realise that it is the child who thinks it is never ending. I want to be grown up and able to take care of myself and have this all stop.
Thank you for sharing this and well done with the smoking. It is progress to be smoke free for any length of time, well done US.
axa
-
thanks Axa... I appreciate your compassion and connection on that struggle, expectation, etc... it's something I'm trying to learn to give my SELF... it's an important skill that I need - but never learned. It's a type of multi-tasking that I have to "unlearn".
I've come to the conclusion - after even more "gravel mountain" about smoking - more 1 step forward and 2 steps back - that I've been in LIMBO. (Maybe purgatory, is a better image - 'coz it distinctly feels bad; uncomfortable.) Still chained to the old habits, routines, attitudes of the past - and still trying to mine those old wounds & emotions & memories for some magical "key" to completely set me free. And that's one thing that's getting in the way now. Like a 2-lane road, when you let something go - you have to replace the old stuff with something - not just leave another hole, a void, another emotional need... just hanging, wanting.... that only creates a new emotional need that you end up filling with the "tried & true" - but dysfunctional - methods.
The smoking support sites are very, very quick to try to "fix" someone with affirmations like "never take another puff". They are quick to encourage one to simply press on with a quit, after a slip - but without taking the time, to figure out WHAT and WHY. My slip didn't even allow that; I got angrily defensive immediately. Finally figured out that the only "process" I knew for making change was one of draconian FORCE... and my T had specifically told me not to force a quit, but she didn't explain why - and like the programmed individual I am, I didn't ASK. I don't know how to make a change from a place of COMPASSION. Someone posted - just in the nick of time - that quitting smoking is a PROCESS and that this process is unique, customized to each one of us. That helped me get to today's understanding that I need to have an intentional design, going forward.
How to provide the space within my self - the generosity, if you will - that will allow for failure while trying and learning. The understanding that I have a self-imposed limitation - that shows up as self-sabotage - when I am gaining success: this sabotage was a necessary, ego-survival based camoflauge to keep myself free from more shame or humiliation. It's no longer needed - but I haven't really decided what will REPLACE that...
Now, I can do this for other people - do it in my job, do it many other places. Just never realized that I NEED to do this for myself. Just like setting internal boundaries on my behavior - in my FOO, this wasn't important... the bits I've learned, I've picked up elsewhere... without realizing what it was. This is like an intentional personally chosen value or morality... but it's about behavior. Simple things, like brushing teeth before going to bed. Complex things, like learning that we shouldn't beat ourselves up while learning something new... that we actually learn better, with compassion and understanding when attempting to learn something difficult - or brand-new.
The other thing I've discovered, is that I must set a boundary about people who want to "help". The smoking support sites are counter-productive for me; GO FIGURE. I've made most of my progress from the support I've received here. I actually have a trigger for smoking, that comes from "experts" telling me to do this or that... that it's mind over matter... that I have to continue putting nicotine in my body to be able to quit smoking... what bullshit. I was off 3 days and it didn't bother me, after the 1st 24 hours. And since it triggers the old wound - of having emotional needs ignored in favor of a lot of unnecessary medical attention (my Mother's way of "caring" for me)... it only perpetuates the old cycle, old routines... and I always fall back on the method of "fighting back" by smoking - self-sabotage.
So I'm working on a new plan - to work with Twigs, to connect with myself and meet my inner emotional needs - doing something ELSE than letting my self rehash & relive what can't be changed. It was awful; it was abuse and sexual/physical assault; and it's 40 years too late to anything more than let go of this as a main feature in my life, consciousness, and emotional states. I have to get out of this old rut and do something NEW - something different; something that's outside of that old, uncomfortable, agonizing "comfort zone"... and keep on doing it, until the newly designed comfort zone, habits/routines, inner boundaries FEELS normal for me. But it can't be "faking it until you make it", either. That's another big trigger for me: pretending, lying, more concerned about appearances than reality.
And it can't be FORCED; I need to show myself compassion and allow the space within my own self-respect and process to screw up, make mistakes, procrastinate, feel whatever feelings I have... and keep on going. Gradually changing... and learning that it's SAFE to care about myself... and that it's SAFE to succeed. No one is going to abuse me for success anymore... I already have those boundaries in place.
Baby steps, if necessary.
-
I've come to the conclusion - after even more "gravel mountain" about smoking - more 1 step forward and 2 steps back - that I've been in LIMBO. (Maybe purgatory, is a better image - 'coz it distinctly feels bad; uncomfortable.) Still chained to the old habits, routines, attitudes of the past - and still trying to mine those old wounds & emotions & memories for some magical "key" to completely set me free. And that's one thing that's getting in the way now. Like a 2-lane road, when you let something go - you have to replace the old stuff with something - not just leave another hole, a void, another emotional need... just hanging, wanting.... that only creates a new emotional need that you end up filling with the "tried & true" - but dysfunctional - methods.
The smoking support sites are very, very quick to try to "fix" someone with affirmations like "never take another puff". They are quick to encourage one to simply press on with a quit, after a slip - but without taking the time, to figure out WHAT and WHY. My slip didn't even allow that; I got angrily defensive immediately. Finally figured out that the only "process" I knew for making change was one of draconian FORCE... and my T had specifically told me not to force a quit, but she didn't explain why - and like the programmed individual I am, I didn't ASK. I don't know how to make a change from a place of COMPASSION. Someone posted - just in the nick of time - that quitting smoking is a PROCESS and that this process is unique, customized to each one of us. That helped me get to today's understanding that I need to have an intentional design, going forward.
These two paragraphs are filled with so much. Just the very thing I needed today. I have made great strides in dealing with my fear and paralysis. Last night I felt free but it came back again. When I read your "one step forward and two steps backward" it really resonated with me. Right now I have a list of things that must be accomplished today. These things give me a stomach ache. Everything that must be done feels like a set up to me. I can work to put myself in a much better psychological position. One way I do this is visualizing myself doing these things, as the type of person who gets these things done, as a person surrounded by encouraging people. All of these things help but I can get in a place like I am now where I hide under a shell and doing the necessary work seems insurmountable. I feel like I have take one step forward and two backwards but I think I can use this common feeling as a sort of "new" trigger to push me forward. I know that what has me trapped is my family experience. The dark condemning but more powerful still - the punishment and humiliation for needing help. That is quite cripping for me.
WHAT and WHY. The elephant in the living room for all behavior changing strategies. The what and why have always been important for me. But important for many and yet completely left out of the mix. You have hit the nail on the head. I'm going to go deal with the what and why of my present situation. Thanks.
added later - I realize that I must move out of hiding. For several years now I have hidden - finding a place to numb out - here and in front of the tv - anything to no "do". Doing causes me enormous fear - unless it is structured doing like picking my son up or taking him but if there is any possibility of judgement on the other end then - the yuck figures in.
Now I know that the 2 steps back for me are slipping into the numbing place. I think it may be a little like the smoking place for you. I find that working on identifying the origins of the fear of action (the humiliation and belittling condemning criticism) and counter acting them has to be right up there and I can no longer allow myself to slip into the numbing inaction.
I think I can do it. I have wondered why it was easier to slip into inaction when the consequences are so great but now I understand. It does take enormous energy to fight the war of overcoming their cruelty but that is the only way out and I am willing to move in that direction. I actually find the Olympics as a great model. Today as I finish packing my son for his last camp and drive several hours to deliver him I will work out a plan - a schedule and work on it. I know I can do it. I will set it up as a training schedule - my Olympic training schedule.
-
It's interesting that you bring up the Olympics.
I was NOT going to go sleep until until I'd seen all the opening ceremonies, because I knew there was a tai chi demonstration in it. I've taken seminars with the master who developed the form and helped train the 2008 tai chi players for that performance. The reason, I think, 2008 people people can move simultaneously with such precision and maintain the relative position of their own bodies with those of others to form that circle the announcers were in awe of...
is because of intention: in tai chi, intent is desire (heart) combined with mind (action, process) to perform an action. There is no thought to the outcome, reward/punishment, judgement or opinion - the action itself is it's own reward. (It's the journey, not the destination...)
Intention is the most powerful energy in tai chi - and involves almost every other type of energy. Because each performer cared very much about the overall performance's success - they were ABLE TO DO what needed to be done to make it reality. That caring and hours of practice... (LOL!!) Your compassion thread has been germinating in me, for a while... and I now realize that compassion for ourselves as we begin to step outside our box... to try something new and different - w/o the old feelings - is absolutely necessary. Caring about ourselves - the same way we care about others. It's helping me a great deal... to relieve some of the pressure; to understand that I can't just flip a switch to change 40 years of habit, routine... expectation of punishment. But it IS still changing.
At the very end of their performance - I noticed that people turned toward each other and performed what we call partner work - it was just a blink of an eye and easy to miss - but it took my breath away that it all happened at the same time and the rhythm wasn't broken by it at all. 1004 pairs of individuals executing a movement without breaking the rhythm... it still gives me goosebumps.
-
That is fascinating! 2008 people, 1004 partners. Intention. No judgement.
I can't flip a switch but I have been understanding that each incident of change was a beginning. So I have "intentionally" grown these new thoughts, these periods free of fear and anxiety, believing that as these grow the other will diminish. Days like yesterday and today when I am sitting long hours with little to do other than drive I work especially hard at consciously, intentionally keeping my mind on my biggest blocks and my greatest fears and practise moving out of fear into hope and compassion.
The more often I do this and the longer I practise this the stronger I get. I feel much stronger and my confidence is growing. I am actually believing that I will soon have the courage to face my financial disasters. I see that it is all a matter of my psychological state and I am learning ways to conquer the darkness.
I'm going back to Dyer's book on Intention. I liked that one. I recently reread Inspiration and find it doesn't speak to me as much but Intention might.
If you have any interest, I would love to read more about your work or your thoughts on intention. I knew the second I saw this where I must put my focus now. Thank you.
Years ago I took tai chi. I loved it. I so hope to find the right opportunities again before too long. B/c my son is taking martial arts I hope to start that at his dojo this fall. It is a substitute for tai chi - not my first choice but practicalities sort of dictate that for now.
-
Good to hear from you, SS! I'm glad things are progressing positively.
I've found the last "boulder" on my path - and dynamited it this morning. Or maybe it was just worn away by wind, sunshine, temperature and water... at any rate: it's no longer a boulder - just a pebble - and it's no longer in my way. This is going to be a LONG post, I think....
I started to post late yesterday, but got interrupted (par for the course; faculty are due back on Friday and some are already working). It's good that I had more time before posting... as I've more completely digested what's going on... it'll be more coherent and simpler.
It just popped into my mind yesterday - on a smoke break, no less - that the reason I've been stuck rehashing all the old pain... the reason I can't "let go" - of smoking or my "process" was lack of forgiveness. For sake of understanding my use of the word and concept of forgiveness - I'm going to accept everyone's ideas about what forgiveness is - as I explain. They are ALL correct.
This all started when I stumbled across a book - really a CD book - by a psychologist/mindfulness buddhist, that I met during a meditation retreat many years ago: Tara Brach. The book is "Radical Self-Acceptance". Just couldn't get this idea out of my head... what does Radical Self-Acceptance MEAN? What is the process? What's involved? I think this is what prompted the connection or association of self-acceptance, reintegration, and forgiveness for me. Until I've forgiven - how can I say I truly accept myself?
So - this lead me to understand that despite all my progress, I'm flat-out still trying to hold my mom responsible for ME - the way I am. I am still blaming her for the emotional abuse - and consequent pain and lack of basic learning about being a person - for forcing me to abandon Twiggy... for all of Twiggy's Tale of Woe. It is this wish to blame her - that was the boulder in my path. That wish to hold her responsible for ME and how I "turned out"... contains resentment, anger, sorrow, loss, grief, and more pain than any one person should be expected to bear.
At 12-13, I simply wasn't old enough, mature enough, hadn't had enough "good" parenting... to know HOW to forgive and I simply couldn't bear the pain - ALONE. My mother reinforced for me, that whatever was painful was always someone else's fault - there was always someone to blame. And Twiggy's wail - unceasing - was that what happened to her wasn't HER FAULT... so it had to be someone's, ya know? I was locked in the dance of "who to blame" - mother or myself - and dancing in circles: going NO WHERE.
Well. I did have scraps of help... substitute moms... concerned teachers... all along the way. And then there was my SELF. I was born with an innate ability to love others - my grandma called it "maternal instinct". I knew what this felt like - to love someone. Ruth was teaching me that it was normal and FINE to love myself - to care about myself - when that was interrupted.
So I loved... and sacrificed... and loved some more... and when I could no longer pretend or believe that the reason my parents didn't love me; that I didn't matter to them (let me recount the ways they proved this to me...) I began to believe that it was MY FAULT; that there was something wrong with me... that they didn't love me. After the "split"... of Twiggy's memories, her tale of woe, and her feelings... I forgot that I was able to love my self - even if no one else loved me. Twiggy's tale was a huge secret - buried along with immense pain - in my unconscious... for about 40 years. But within this secret - was a secret knowledge that Twiggy had - and I don't really know where it came from, but Twiggy KNEW.
That secret was that love was so HUGE, so POWERFUL, that it could absorb any and all pain, shame, humiliation, anger, rage, etc. and still love. That kind of love contains forgiveness, as well. For my mother - who to this day, has no idea that what she did was "bad"; who was so empty and soul-less, that she trained me to mother her...
... and more importantly, forgiveness for myself - for the fear of abuse, that kept me from remembering Twiggy's tale... for remembering her secret within a secret... for smoking to console myself - to physically remove myself from my mom's presence to give myself the SPACE to love myself... comfort myself... and smoking to remind myself that no matter what I did - never mind, who I was - I couldn't make my parents love me; I didn't matter to them. It was a harsh realization for a 12 yr old... it was un-natural... a bitter pill that couldn't be swallowed, much less digested or understood.... I couldn't understand BECAUSE I knew what love was - and they didn't. I couldn't know then, that there are people like this. I couldn't believe that mothers could eat their own children - devouring them emotionally - like this. So I blamed myself....
"Twiggy" has been growing up. I've shown her what forgiveness is... and how it can help her. Finally!! DUH! And I've acknowledged her "secret within a secret" and I'm still very much in awe of her knowledge of this... I don't know HOW she could've ever learned this, given her life before "losing her". She had the answer ALL ALONG... and I was too distracted by "gory details" to even SEE it...
... Twiggy forgives me...
and now, everything is settling into new patterns... new places... and REALITY is that my parents didn't/don't love me - and that's OK. I have enough love within... to cancel that out; to bear it:
mingling YIN...
with YANG...
and creating Tai-Chi (the Tao/Harmony)
-
That wish to hold her responsible for ME and how I "turned out"... contains resentment, anger, sorrow, loss, grief, and more pain than any one person should be expected to bear.
I have come to believe that you are describing a process or a step in a process that cannot be skipped. I think we must blame the person/people who cause us the great harm, we must transfer the blame/responsibility off of ourselves, which we took on as children, and onto those who caused the harm. And then at some point, as you have so eloquently written, that becomes a block. I think it is a block because when it is the "other" person we have no control. But what you are describing is a step in which you are now taking control back from that woman. You are now in a place in which you can take that control back.
I had a very good day yesterday moving out of anxiety, shame, fear. Not so today. But this is part of the struggle - facing and overcoming. I am not dejected. I think I am overcoming what I have been referring to as the secondary fear - the fear of facing the fear or the fear of the results of the fear. I will over come this and that will bring the freedom. I will continue to "exercise" my mind and putting myself in a place of courage and compassion.
Thanks for your writing. It continues to help me and to give me comfort.
-
Yes, it is a step... blaming the "other" and not accepting the blame... is a stepping stone to realizing that we need to forgive ourselves... as well as the "other"... to be free. This isn't the same as letting someone off the hook; not having healthy boundaries... and it isn't another way to blame ourselves, either. When we feel - for years - that we "deserve" whatever... we are blaming ourselves. We need to forgive ourselves for that mistaken belief... FIRST. Then it becomes possible to entertain the possibility of forgiving the other.
FEAR.... that's another toughie!
One thing that helped me is knowing what I fear ahead of time - going on & doing something anyway - and then evaluate: did the thing feared actualize itself? (In my case - was anyone abusing me for not smoking 3 days?? ONLY myself... out sheer force of habit.)
But you've got a system that seems to be working really well... your progress is amazing!
-
I'm working out "my system" as I go. But it is an amalgam ofwhat I have read of others - the things that resonate with me. I have more to say and may come back and do that.
-
Amber,
I am so tired but I was just reading this thread and I had to post to you. I have been thinking a lot about "blaming" it has been the "other" or myself, back and forth like a tennis game. I thought if I stopped blaming what would happen. Forget about NMom, nothing can change that, forget about XN I was lucky I got away and where did this leave me.... the big challenge forget about blaming me for being so stupid as to listen to crazy people telling me I meant something to them when their behaviour shouted the opposite. What happens now, no one to blame. I think I start to feel a little fuller! not much else to say about this right now.
I wrote something the other day about a specific situation "They think if the others would go away then everything would be ok" Ah moment.........this is what I thought. If NMom, XN and all the others disappeared I would still be left with me and that is the challenge. What to do with me who finds it so hard to bear her anger, meanness, love, fun, the list is endless. Maybe its time to meet me, warts and all!
I have not smoked for some days now, maybe more than a week, I lost count, just wanted to tell you that.
well done, following your journey, don't always have time to write but hanging on in here with you
axa
-
Thanks, Axa... SS... I'm looking forward to your observations!
Things are settling... and this a.m. I'm in a mystical, philosophical place with myself. Fuller - as Axa said - "bigger", in some way I can't define.
It feels like my very molecules are changing... transforming...
the questions I'm asking now only have emotions as answers.
Axa: one question I asked was about "self"... and it might shine some light on what happens when you can stop blaming the Ns and yourself... even if just for a minute or two.
... which is more ME: the personality that developed in response to abuse in my environment or this tiny, flicker of flame of BEING that can't be told what to think and feel? Can't be told what to BE?
... and if I'm the flame - then there's no reason to cling, be attached to any specific elements of personality... they are temporary, stuck-on stuff, and can be let go - if there is no usefulness to them, right? The flame has the power of intention, choice, and will.
Fire is actually a positive element... in that it allows seeds long buried, to germinate and green up and grow anew.
-
Yes Phoenix - you've got it - the power is in the flame - it is the you. Way to go.
-
I just want to say that this thread feels more in tune with what I was looking for when I first started lurking. It feels safe, somehow. It helps with my grieving my mom's death. I have so much of my story within me, but I'm not available to type it all out right now. I was so moved, that again, I need to say thank you to those of you who have written.
cats paw
-
You're very welcome for any help you find here, Cats Paw.
Wish I could wrap my arms around you and rock you until you pass from grief into comfort!
SS - I'll have to tell you the story of the book I made. It's a handmade book and I printed all the pages myself. There are a series of small diamond images with a figure - and the flame sometimes emanates from the figure - sometimes surrounds it. Each is a separate symbol of a stage in a process. These images act as chapter markers and compliment the main illustrations... which peek through die-cuts and transparent overlays and some foldout or have images on the back. Combination of etching, drypoint, lithography. I made 3 books. I have 2 daughters.
That was one of my last major art projects at school; summer 1987. I intended to also typeset words - but didn't know what the words would be... just a general feeling-idea. Towards the end of therapy, I realized that I DID have words and I showed the book to my T, explaining the general concept behind all the images...
her response was that I'd been doing therapy for quite a long time, through my art... and that I need to finish the book. The "story" of the book is transformation.
I would like very much for the words to be poetry - and I'm no poet. The images are very strong - except for the main image, which is repeated in different sizes... this image is a circle... and within the circle is the nude figure of a woman, wrapped up and floating in long, long hair. This is a very soft image; drypoint.
Which brings me to my dream, this morning:
I was in a restaurant. Across the room I noticed a group of figures that were on the table - two women and countless children, all piled up comfortably on top of the women - in arms, laps, and on each other. All naked as cherubim. I was awestruck, in one of those creative trances, when I'm seeing this tableau on a large, square canvas... cropping the image in my mind...already working out the composition of a painting.
Then, a John Brown type figure and a hag of a woman come screaming across the room, aimed at these people... yelling "sinners" - Abomination - how dare you defile this place - and he's swinging a staff with intent to injure... harm...raining down judgement on these innocents... I felt these people were the ones "out of order" in that situation... that they were ones being indecent... the rest of the diners had been appreciating the tableau, as much as I was.
and I woke up. I can still see the major elements of the image of that pile of "mothers & children"... still feel the general peace, love, and acceptance that radiated from them, of my first impression of the tableau... still thinking about what size the canvas should be, to be able to accurately paint the expressions of each individual...
... still wondering whether a real painting of this image would get me on the "Jesse Helms' " unacceptable artist list...
-
Grew up trying to meet the John Brown mores - resenting the cherubim tableau for their freedom and their comfort and their acceptance. That is my tension.
Want to move into sorrow for the Helms crew even thought they are filled with shaming and dark stuff. I don't want to retaliate but to move out of their way and return sorrow for rage. I must stay within compassion to heal.
-
... which is more ME: the personality that developed in response to abuse in my environment or this tiny, flicker of flame of BEING that can't be told what to think and feel? Can't be told what to BE?
Phoenix,
What an amazing question! I have been moving between these two places all my life and have never seen it so clearly. I do realise that we have multiple identities but the dominant one seems to be the part that developed in response to abuse in my environment. This is the place I live from until the abuse gets so bad that I move into the BEING MYSELF me. Interestingly, I quite like the latter identity even though she also has many weaknesses. I have so many thoughts on this but need to take some time. The part that has been formed in response to the abuse is raging angry but this is layered with co-dependant behaviours. I think I need to meet this anger. Maybe the attraction to Ns is that they act out the anger that I have been voiceless about. I do think that what I cannot hold myself I project onto others and this is a great relief. This I do not do consciously. Could this account for my self sabotage..........being happy is too hard, just doesn't fit. It leaves me in unfamiliar territory that becomes overwhelming.........is the horrible negativity more comfortable?
Thanks for this thread it is great. I really need to take time and read through other peoples posts as I feel that there is something very big here.
hugs,
axa
-
Thanks for bringing the thread up, again. I'm just swamped at work; faculty are back, students are moving in today... classes start next week.
That question is STILL where I'm working, right now. Just jumped outside my normal personality and expressed myself in a full-staff meeting with passion about something I care very much about yesterday; and truly was speaking from the "flame" - not the other personality...
... and my tai chi teacher is still right: nothing bad happened. But I've still spent the last 24 hours worrying the experience to death... feeling... that the humiliation I normally expect will come; that the slap or putdown will happen. Because I'm so un-used to being able to BE ME and express myself from that flame of being... publicly... and being understood.
The microphone got passed to someone who validated what I said.
The new prez & all the vps were there... so there's the element of authority, too. Including the vp that I consider the source of a lot of the dysfunction in this place... my boss' boss.
I felt just like I stood up and said " F you all"... even though that's far from what I really said. Interesting experience... but in the course of things - only significant, important to me. People probably don't even remember what I said... for me, it was the being ABLE to say it without immediate repercussions that made it so overwhelming. Trying to LET IT GO... because there's much to do right now...
but I think the whole thing is about not calling attention to myself, my ideas, thoughts & feelings... to stay under the radar... because that's always been the safer alternative... and because "I'm not important" enough to be heard. We have a new administration... new philosophy... new ways of doing things... and I'm not the only person to feel I have to craft some sophistocated politically correct statement every time I open my mouth... so yesterday, I took the risk - for my SELF... and to show that it was possible without invoking punishment.
Feels extremely strange.
-
Congratulations PR. I am very glad for you.
I understand very well the feelings you describe: that the humiliation I normally expect will come; that the slap or putdown will happen.
I have spent considerable time today confronting a long history of those feelings and the experiences that spawned them. I am determined to overcome them - to grow beyond them. I recognize that they are a playing out of the original exeriences of being condemned, ridiculed and rejected by my father and mother and my fruitless but unending determination to gain acceptance. That is a terrible trap. I am so thankful to at last understand how this psychological trap works. It gives me great hope of escape and freedom.
Thanks for sharing. More power to you!!
PS - in the past half hour since I posted I have had an electrical dynamite moment in recognizing how powerful the expectation for humiliation has been for me. I have expected and looked for it with a keen radar and rejected everything else and latched onto and locked onto opportunities for humiliation - all completely unconscious - throwing away the good and zeroing in on humiliation. The expectation of humiliation is the component of shame that actually caused the humiliation. This has boosted my healing yet another notch. Thanks so much PR.
-
GO PHOENIX GO..........XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
axa
-
Oh yeah... it seems as though I'm being given the opportunity, on a daily basis, to do something OTHER than expect the old response to me - for each emotion; yesterday's was anger.
I'd specifically asked our front desk, that I not be disturbed during the next 2 weeks due the high volume of tasks & serious troubleshooting I have to do. And they violated that boundary - and I got angry with them AND the faculty member who doesn't think the sign on the door "Authorized persons only" applies to them.
I was visibly, vocally, emotionally angry. And not apologetic about it, either. It hung around too long, though. Hubby was inquiring if it would be possible for me to not stew about it after getting home... or not bring it home... because he feels like I'm mad at him. I told him sorry... BUT... I'm not mad at him, I'm just mad about work, and I have the right to stay mad as long as I need to. I did agree to try to make sure I wasn't spreading it around, though.
I am now in a place, where I don't feel obligated to protect anyone from my feelings. Still working out details, refining this... and expression. Seems like it's a form of "letting go" that I didn't expect. I'm letting go of the emotional significance of the old wounds... I think... and dealing with the present issues... in the present... with ALL the options: not just the programmed ones from the past.
...rejected everything else and latched onto and locked onto opportunities for humiliation - all completely unconscious - throwing away the good and zeroing in on humiliation.
YES!!!! This is IT, exactly! I've done the same thing - and in doing so, have treated myself very unfairly. As if, there was ONLY that one situation with my mother that I felt and experienced... and re-experienced... in other, different situations. All this time.
-
Wow PR - that is powerful stuff. You are coming into your own. That is righteous anger - real, appropriate and safe anger - a type of aner that has never been mine. Way to go! I am so happy for you.
-
Well, for the past 2 weeks I've been the tech-mash unit for faculty & students just getting going with their online courses. Some days, I simply haven't come up for air - except to smoke, of course.
I realized somewhere over these past 2 weeks, that I have to accept this habit - for the time being - as "who I am". I had to do this, I now understand, because the smoking issue is how I "met" Twiggy and learned the story that I suppressed... the lack of being able to quit smoking is what led me to ALL of my process of excavation of memory... of finding, feeling & letting go all the associated emotions... of reintegrating with my SELF.
None of this wouldn't have occurred if I'd been able to just up & quit smoking, ya know? I wouldn't have persisted through memory after memory, realization after realization... all because of a sincere desire to quit smoking, to finally heal enough to be able to quit.
A while ago, I posted some dictionary definitions of some words - it's a way I have of working. Verifying that I know all the roots of certain words can give me valuable clues... I pulled this technique back out again for "boundary (bound)", "expectation" and "justification". For me, these three words contain the key to freedom...
because my mother didn't respect boundaries...
the expectation I had of her - that she would meet my emotional/physical needs - was REVERSED, so that I was...
bound (obliged or tied) to her
and the justification I had for smokiing... was that it helped me control (regulate) my emotions/emotional needs... and being able to validate my SELF in the process (albeit in an invalidating fashion).
Smoking was just like Hansel & Gretel's breadcrumb trail... back to "home" - my true self.
------------------------------------------------------------
LOTS more stuff going on - about accepting my emotional needs, being able to ASK for what I want/need emotionally, and trusting new people who happen to be authority figures... has been happening without my being aware of it - oh so gradually.
I'm aware of Twiggy sort of fading into "me". She's been bringing up a lot of memories from the past - odd snippets of things that don't have a lot of emotional significance - that are almost deja vu-like... as she is remembering what she HOPED she'd become as an adult... and then I see it in my life. "Twiggy" is less & less like a separate part of me... to the point, that this really is just a way of being able to talk the adult me - and the past, teen-aged me.
I'm fully re-engaged with my job, my life and the people in it... there isn't a lot more to do than just tie up loose ends... oh yeah:
and let smoking go. The "effort" required of me to quit smoking isn't a denial of a habit, addiction, or want - it's an acceptance of it... forgiveness of my SELF for beginning it and compassion for the "why" and how dependent I was on it... and acceptance that I am no longer "that person". I have changed...
not Twiggy any longer; not "Amber" as she was before therapy and all this work. I have intention, choice, will - and can make/keep committments with SELF - no more sabotage. A very different person than when I began this whole process.
-
Your post contains so much work. It deserves a well processed and deeply thought out response. I have some questions that I want to ask to help me understand some of the work you are doing and the process you are experiencing but I want to wait. I think I need to validate the significance and profundity of your post first and get clarity later.
accepting my emotional needs, being able to ASK for what I want/need emotionally, and trusting new people who happen to be authority figures... has been happening without my being aware of it - oh so gradually. What a confirmation that what you are doing is the right thing that it is on the road to deep healing.
"boundary (bound)", "expectation" and "justification".
Your work with these concepts is so powerful to read. I am cheering you on and feeling such encouragement in reading about your continued healing.
I have intention, choice, will - and can make/keep committments with SELF - no more sabotage. WOW!!
I look forward to the day (coming soon) when I can write these same words. Way to go.