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hi all,
This guy is great! 3 hours was like 1˝ hours, and we 'click' as Dr. and client.
He gave me homework:
1.) My Life Story
2,) My Family Tree
3.) My goals
4.) My Problems/Issues/Concerns
5.) What/Who do I want to be as:
6.) What do I want and need in order to feel good about life, relationaships and myself?
If anyone wants the ideas under any or all of those 6 I will post.
His therapy is pragmatic, eclectic and holistic.
Pragmatic is something already on his list of services and with which I agree we get into!
Eclectic is somethig I want to get into that is not on his list, but he will do it!
Holistic is to cover all the necessary things to have a 'healthy body and life'! Can anyone name 10?
He has a whole page of types of interventions he can provide. His history is impressive.
He is a Christian and totally understands my take on Christianity. We had a few laughs there. He is great!
I also must complete some forms re Personal Data, Occupational Data, sign Confidentiality Papers about nothing leaving his office, a Payment Agreement and a Consent to Clinical Counselling. He has all his bases covered and is funnier than Hell. He thinks I am funny, that I have a sense of humour, that I am a survivor and (again) that I have done a good job of introspection and understanding the whys and wherefores of where I now am.
He knows that I consider myself a short term patient.
When it comes to the 'shoulds and 'ottas' and 'gottas' I told him that I felt that if someone attacked me, I doubt I could fight back....that I think of this when I see movies of women doing that....because I dislike physical violence (and you know where this is going with my Dad and with my Joe) and I just cannot see my hurting anyone physically.
OK. " I ought to fight back!" That is an ought to statement......after some back and forth, what I am to say is that, "I have a right to defend myself".
That is a very simple explanation of why I am seeing him. He gave me a list of "cognitive distortions"...or in my language" wrong thinking".
He also gave me a list of "self-defeating beliefs".
Now this is the goodie and I wish i could remember all the words............................
We are! We have surroundings! We begin to understand this and then have expectations, without a word being spoken!
If that expectation is not met, then we have disappointment
It is at this pont that we settle the problem re the disappointment, or it will fester and turn to (now is where I need the words in order, but I will say) resentment, sadness, depression (you will be getting my drift) and more to frustration, and anger, and that is when we cross the line to rage, and do not know? are not responsible? for what we do, or the words that come from our mouths.! Isn't that something? Nip the disappointment in the bud!
I told him about the rage of my father, and the one day I heard him alone in the barn, not talking to anyone in particular, but I think he wanted us to hear him,....." What In Hell did I Ever Do to deserve FIVE lazy little bastards like I have". Dr. said, as we are cleaning cow stables, bull pens, horse stable, pig pens and milking the cows, that 'Dad felt insecure'.
HO BOY! What a day and it was great! I am going back in 2 weeks, as today will last me that long.
I saw this guy first in my Searches but he was smiling in his picture and reminded me of John Lithgow in "3rd Rock From The Sun" and many other shows. I wondered if I would laugh too much with him.....well it's all OK and we laughed about Church, old guy Ken and a bunch of things and he wonders if I have written any of these things down.....hinting about a book. :lol: :lol: :lol:
Oh My and there is more!
Love
Izzy
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:D
((((((((Izzy))))))))... 'scuse me, please, but I gotta say... Praise God!
Other than that, I'm not too alert right now, but I'm so very anxious to digest this and see where it leads.
WoW - -there's so much here to think on and work through! For now, I just wanted to thank you for sharing. Besides being so thrilled for you... from my perspective, it's exciting and wonderful to have some positive. helpful, and health-full stuff to contemplate. And you aren't kiddin about that homework! That's a doozy of an assignment and you're just the one to accomplish it... with gold stars :D
Just wonderful!
Love,
Carolyn
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Yes! Lots to digest, Carolyn,
But it is all good to me!
So I made the next appointment in 2 weeks.
I came home to piles of work and am still not finished from the first post.
I told Dr. R. about Ken, the old ex-boss who keeps bugging me and how I have dealt with him.
I mentioned that on June 5/70 I was released from Rehab and Ken was the only one available to take me home (Dr. R. didn't think much of my family over this.)
So Ken takes me back to my city, we pick up my daughter and go to my new apartment.
After D is tucked into bed, Ken pulls me close and kisses me, and makes more moves.
This is the croaker! He said,"It used to be that you could have any man you wanted, but now no one will want you, but I do!" and attempted to 'take' me and it would have been rape, had I not finally cried and got his attention.
Dr. R. was horrified, then laughed, then scoffed and looked unbelieving and 1000 more looks on his face until he was under control and he finally understood why I don't like Ken, but I felt sorry for him, but NOW, I am stating facts, like when he whines and swears in his phone calls about the doctor, I tell him to calm down, it's just life and it happens to everyone.... that the patience I have learned makes me able to tolerate such situations.
When I did that with him, last call, I could feel him feel embarrassed and that he might have been a bit 'out of control'? Not sure but I don't think he'll get angry and swear and tell me such stories again.
Am off for dinner at 9:32 at night.
What a day!!
Love
Izzy
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Oh Izzy - I'm so happy for you!
If, after 40 years, I can decide that it's really OK to be me and to "have a life" - with all those expectations, disappointments, & pragmatic "Keeping On"... all in their proper place & proportion... THEN SO CAN YOU.
Trust me on this: this is the start of something really, really wonderful for you! And maybe finally writing the epilogue to your story: up to now -- the "... and she lived happily ever after" epilogue!
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Izzy,
It sounds like the therapy is fabulous.
And he really hit the nail with mentioning expectations (one of my worst problems).
It is so amazing that he clearly has set out for you how to get to where you want to be. And he is doing it in a way that matches YOUR way of thinking. It seems almost like an organized process, which, I would guess, is exactly whaat you like and need.
It sounds like you got to the bottom of the situation with your boss. Does it feel better to have that out and dealt with? Does it help to have your disgust validated? Do you think you can bury the swine now???????????
Lots of love and huge congratulations.
Love, Beth
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Izzy,
Thinking of that Ken and his words to you that night... makes me need to swallow hard.
You don't like him, but you feel sorry for him...
and he's become like a fixture in your life...
well, I just don't know how I'd feel about that.
Patience is great, but I'd definitely say that man needs you loads more than you need him.
How do you feel about it?
Still thinking on 10 vital qualities of an all-around healthy life... and all the etc's. !!
Love,
Carolyn
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Hey Izzy,
I'm so glad it went well for you. How exciting!! About all I can say is to echo what everyone else has posted.
...I didn't know the story about the ex-boss. That is horrible. Awful. May I ask, why did you continue to have him in your life? That was a horrible thing he said to you, and two awful boundaries that he crossed (or nearly crossed).
I ask, because there's a psychological phenomenon called a reaction formation -- now, I'm not going to get this totally accurate, so please don't go around quoting me -- in which we can't tolerate the feelings we have about someone/thing, and turn them into some form of the opposite. So I'm wondering if perhaps you were/are very angry at Ken, and turned it into compassion of some kind.
I know whereof I speak, because this is what I did, and sometimes still do, with the N pastor. After the first meeting he held to discuss my "harassment," (i.e., he was harassing me, in effect), I was really confused and didn't know what was up because I felt so violated. In all the craziness and confusion, I found myself asking him to forgive me, and wanting his forgiveness -- when in fact he had horribly abused me. I already knew about reaction formations at the time, and I knew what I was doing while I was doing it -- so it was interesting to watch it unfold. I knew what I was doing yet I couldn't stop it. I was full of rage at him but couldn't handle it, so I did this instead.
I also used to see this with my parents and my brother-in-law. They really didn't like him at all, yet when he would come around they would be solicitous of him to no end. I knew what was going on and always found it amusing, funny.
Anyway, I hope I haven't upset you here, or offended you -- but if you were really feeling angry at him and never got in touch with it, it's really important that you do. He abused you.
In any case, I am so happy for you! This really is going to be a great new phase for you. Congratulations!
xoxo,
LilyCat
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Izzy,
If anyone wants the ideas under any or all of those 6 I will post.
Yes, Yes, Yes,,, I do!!
I just love to read you... you are the bravest, open person I have ever met.... and I learn from you..
Love
Deb
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Izzy,
I have to say that when I first read the words from Ken... my thought was not that he was out to hurt you, but that somehow he always felt you were way too good for him and he could never have you. Therefore, he saw the accident as a way to have you at last.
Now, maybe I am writing a romance novel... but that's how it struck me.
Not that it makes it more pleasant...
Love, Beth
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Hi Izzy and Beth,
Just wanted to add... I don't think that Ken was out to hurt you either, Iz. Along the lines of what Beth has said... I feel that he'd always considered you beyond his grasp and yet now he could indeed... ermm... grasp you. The hurtful part of it, to me, is contained in his presumption that "now no one will want you".
My reaction is: Oh, REALLY?!!?
That's the part that mainly makes me feel sick, along with the fact that I know what it's like to feel sorry for someone from whom I really should have cut all ties early on, because of his immaturity and capacity to think of no one but himself. So... that's my own spin on it.
Love,
Carolyn
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Hey, Iz...
I think the "homework" of coming up with 10 items for healthy body & life are supposed to be YOUR list... it's a way to help you define what's most important to you. My list is gonna be different than yours... than Carolyn's.... etc. It helps you pick some targets, I think.
I couldn't ever come up with 10. Only about half that - but they were GOODIES! :D
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Hi PR
No, this is for everyone when you read what I can remember, and there can be more than 10.
good food/diet and good water
fresh air
sunshine
enough sleep
cleanliness/hygiene
dressing for the elements
laughing
crying
exercise
touch--Wow! I am deprived there. Regular touching from another human being.
Dr. R. is like having the parent that I had a right to when I was growing up. This is where I am trying to understand things I never knew, or that confused me,
We really connect and he never makes me feel foolish.
Now to post as I lost this once before when I tried to do too much
Love
Izzy
Next: Carolyn and Beth.
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OH... I sorta see now... like a universal list... for anyone human?
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Yes PR--hah hah... For anyone HUMAN!
Hi Carolyn and Beth,
You are right about Ken. He is not a bad man. He just has no social skills. That is why it was a big laugh for Dr. R. while he is pointing ‘thumbs down’ until he could talk.
Ken was my boss and both of us single, me 28, he 38, now 69 and 79. He has always been there and is also a friend to my Daughter and my Grandchildren. I think he can talk to anyone but me, and when he does talk to me, it is weird, and trying to impress me, and trying to put me down for having a computer--mild kind of Control.
He kept my job for me re the accident, for as long as it took for me to come back. I was on the payroll and was paid for every Statutory holiday, which took care of my monthly deductions and I received net pay of $.41. Ha!
The gang at work contributed through a payroll deduction and at month’s end, Ken would take the cheques to my mother. He came to see me twice a week and sent flowers once a week for the whole year, One bunch of flowers was signed ‘Love Ken’ and I called him on it. He said nothing! I yada-yada’s about no time for romance or whatever with the long stretch ahead for me and when I finished he sill said nothing, so I don’t know if he thought he loved me or not. I never really knew him.
He still sends me Christmas and birthday gifts and there is no getting rid of him. I just have to keep him ‘under control’, so that I am not stressed, until he dies.
Granted I was “hot“, all 5’10” , 130#, in nice office dresses/suits and high heels (oops makes me 6’1”) Not gorgeous, just cut a striking figure, but gorgeous legs--damn! No more!. The guys at work whistled when I came into the coffee room and I would blush. They kept it up to keep seeing me blush more and more. It was like a game. Anyway, I’m sure Ken must have thought he had no chance, but that he jumped at it when I was down and out. Believe me, I thought of that back then.
It’s a bit like forgiving him because ‘he had no social skills’. We live 2000 miles apart so I am safe. I tolerate him because he was so good to me otherwise and has always been good to my D. She thinks he is a lonely old man and I am too hard on him, but I tell her I have to keep up my guard.
I had to tell him that if he is going to send me books, make them paperbacks, not hardcover, as I read in bed and cannot hold the latter. “Read in bed”, he says. ”I cannot read in bed. I fall asleep!” I said, “That is the point”
..and if he is going to send me flowers make them little short ones as those big long ones he orders are too bulky for me to handle on my kitchen counter etc. etc. and they end up in 3 vases and not as one bouquet. (I had personally decided that I would throw them out when they came in a bundle, as it would easier for me than gathering up dropped petals from all around and grabbing smelly stems to bend and put in the Garbage.)
Sorry. I got carried away, but he has never been my type, and GET This--in therapy once I had the awful thought that I might change and fall in love with Ken and I would hate that!!
Now we all know?--even Dr. R.?
Love
Izzy
oh and LilyCat
Pretty dead on with this.
So I'm wondering if perhaps you were/are very angry at Ken, and turned it into compassion of some kind.
Next: List for Deb
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Hiya Deb
Here we go, and I am glad you like to read me. (Daddy) Dr. R. said that it is OK for me to think I am weird and to even be weird. Some things just hit home for me so quickly with him. I cannot be perfect and I cannot be like anyone else. I am unique and this is me...
Love
Izzy
(http://www.slrkelowna.ca/homework.jpg)
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Yes PR
After all this time, I fiinally have a 'parent ' to guide me.
All of us have expectations like parents who love and support us and siblings who love and support us. When they don't we feel the disappointment and ought to deal with it.
I told Dr. R that my brother came once to see me that year in the hospital, that one sister came once to see me, that one sister came every week, that the nurse siter came reglarly to the General Hospital for the first 3 months, then I never saw her after I was tranferred to the Rehab hospital for 9 months. Dr. says this is not right at all!!!! I have every right to be disappointed in them.
After 39 years, I have put all of them behind the fence I built for toxic people. I told Dr. R. about this fence and I like it when he makes notes as I know I've said something interesting to him.
Yes, We are allowed to have a good Life! and we can make it good ourselves when we find our "errors in thinking".
What I appreciate with him, is that he can guide me and leave out all Christian messages, biblical references, or he can guide a person who wants Christianity involved.
He also said that no matter what kind of a mess we find ourselves in, we have someone who cares.
Now that might be a messed up wife with a husband who cares, or a messed up me with only God who cares--except for this Board. I haven't told him about this.
Love
Izzy
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hi Carolyn
Patience is great, but I'd definitely say that man needs you loads more than you need him.
How do you feel about it?
This is true and I think I dealt with my feelings in the long post.
also Beth
And he is doing it in a way that matches YOUR way of thinking
Yes, That is absolutely wonderful!! I can just reel off item after item and he is connecting all these together and I believe he knows me better now, in only 2 visits, than I know myself.
That's what he will tell me and guide me towards.
Love
Izzy
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To all,
There were two times that I asked Ken to get out of my life, because he was interfering with my dating life! (Ha Ha)
The first time was when Joe came back as a sober drunk and we lived together for another year (after the accident '71-72). I took Joe to the Christmas Party. Remember I am back at work, on crutches, and Ken is still my boss. boy! did Ken get drunk at the party, and all the gals from the Office were eyeballing Joe.
Then he (Joe) accidently caused a fire and burned almost a whole city block. The sub-contractor lost the contract, and Joe lost his job and started to drink again and I asked him to leave.....again! I didn't see Joe until his funeral 7 years later
...and somehow had Ken hanging around again, and if I remember it was because my neighbour, who always talked with Ken, telephoned Ken and told him I had been seeing a big lug of a fellow and he didn't think he was right for me. Well Percy wasn't but he was a date!
Then I told Ken the second time ('85) and that was it, except for Christmas and Birthdays, and I did tell him about the deaths of my parents in '86 and '94 and he came to the funerals.
Izzy
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Shoot... just lost my post.
Anyhow, still following along ,Iz... great stuff.
And I understand about Ken.
And I really feel the tragedy about Joe.
You had a voice through all of that though, Izzy...
I mean, you were able to at least tell these two guys, "No" .... or, "No More".
Strong self-preservation instincts, I guess.
Me, too... when push came to shove.
Thankfully.
Next time, typing my post in Word!!
Love,
Carolyn
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Thanks Carolyn,
What I need, in re-visiting my life is the validation that I was never all that bad at life--it was everybody I knew :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
Seriously, you are right, and back then I was 30 through to mid-life. I wouldn't doubt that my guilt took over when I did some standing up for myself, and I would feel I had hurt someone!
In the long run I had deprived my D of a father and Ken was no model to follow, and I think I was scared about what I didn't know but would do anyway? and it turned out okay.
Flying by the seat of my pants!
Love
Izzy
Another healthy-life thing is taking good care of the elimination system to avoid infections and constipation/ toxins in the system.
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What I need, in re-visiting my life is the validation that I was never all that bad at life--it was everybody I knew
Yup, sounds good to me, Izzy :D
Reminds me of what my mother-in-law has told me... after all this time (60 years) she has discovered that she's really not so odd after all.
Quite a revelation after feeling like a stranger for a lifetime!
No matter what sort of background we have, life is definitely a learn-as-you-go, on-the-job endeavor.... and it takes all kinds.
For me, finally - for the first time in my life - there is a sense of being an integral part of a greater humanity... and not some alien life form! What a difference!!
Oh, Izzy, here are a couple more for the life-stuff list:
Employment for financial support
and
Hobbies/ avocations for the sake of mental/emotional challenge and enjoyment
(Would sure be nice if the two overlapped and employment could offer all the advantages of a hobby, but I guess that's rare.)
And this one you noted is a major challenge for a lot of women, I think:
Another healthy-life thing is taking good care of the elimination system to avoid infections and constipation/ toxins in the system.
M-i-l and I were talking about this, too... and how we used to always wait till the last possible moment to "go"... as though our own bodily functions were the least important matters on earth. Such a basic thing to let lapse... but that's what happens when you feel like "other".
This thread is a regular buffet for thought, Iz... thanks !!
Love,
Carolyn
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hi Carolyn.
I hope others can see some of the basic knowledge we need and if it is someone like I am then someone else was cheated too.
However, it might appear I have done better than I thought. Thanks
Thanks for 2 more healthy-life contributions
A hobby as my part-time work in Website building is a good example--but I am in retirement now.
Also, about the elimination system: some people know automatically and others don't, but paralysis is murder on the bladder and bowels. They are never the same again and that can really change one's life: the timing, the planning, and it's terrible to always have that on one's mind!
Naturally I got that one first with Dr. R.
I have another handout to post from David Burns' 'Feeling Good'
Yes I think there is a feast here for everyone to pick up a point or two or more!
Love
Izzy
(http://www.slrkelowna.ca/burns1.jpg)
(http://www.slrkelowna.ca/burns2.jpg)
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Izzy - one more for the list, from something my T told me at the beginning of our work:
how to take an emotional *&it.
What she meant was how to feel the emotion... and let it go... and move on.
I think I'm still on the third part of that!! (guess I need to wipe??) ::lol::
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Izzy darlin',
SOOOOOOOOOOOO belatedly (forgive?), I want to tell you I am just dazzled by your work and your epiphanies in your therapy.
Heart singing for you,
Hops
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hiya PR
I've been cogitating on your submission for a healthy life and that raised a question
I wonder if we all had the over 10 things in our lives for a healthy life, that it would make for an emotionally healthy life?
hiya Hops
So nice of you to drop in, albeit belatedly, but I am hoping to provide posts with good results from this man. Two visits and already I feel more validated on smaller issues, as he remarks as I speak.
Love
Izzy
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Back to expectations!!
The Occupational Therapist amd the Physical Therapist were to be at my place this morning at 11:00 so I arose at 7:00 am instead of 9:30-10:00.--expectation they will come and bring an ankle weight!
At 10.00 the PT called and cancelled--and I was up and washed and dressed and makeup and hair combed, but still barelegged in a nightgown and blouse. Damn!
So now they are going to come tomorrow in the afternoon, and I have another expectation...... as PT couldn't give me a time.
Why make these appointments if there are more needy people for them to deal with?
I have been up 3 hours and am tired and will go back to bed....likely require 2 more hours sleep, but then I am up at Noon and the day is shot to hell!
Now I am not ALL that mad but the OT will hear it from me tomorrow--insisting that they had only a morning opening for me this day!
Some people just run the whole show because they have what we need. I need an ankle weight that will not wreck my skin!
grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr (in small letters, note!)
Izzy
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Your question - if we'd had those 10+ things growing up - if they'd make a difference in us now has more than one answer, I think.
One answer is that sure! if we had different parents, different experiences, we'd HAVE to be different now. That's the logical answer (as I pat my pointy ears...)
My own peculiar spiritual belief about this though, is that pre-conception, we CHOSE our parents and the situation we were born into because we needed to work on and transform something about our own spirits. That's the free will side, I guess. I believe free will co-exists simulataneously with fate (and yeah, I took a lot of grief from a college prof about this...). So, as "fate would have it" the actual details of that FOO... what we had; what we did without; the specifics of what we suffered... were more out of our control. Think of the saying "careful what you wish for"... and that sort of gives the idea of how my theory works. This is the YES and NO answer.
In your story; in mine; there are split-seconds of time, that if only 1 thing were different - the results of the story themselves would be radically changed, I think.
But, if I'd had a family that provided security, validation, praise for achievements - would I have been more resilient? Maybe. I don't think I was an emotionally needy child. Not clingy. But then, I didn't enjoy - and wasn't allowed to hang around my mom much anyway. I gleaned what I could in other places - but it wasn't enough to undo the damage that had already been done... even prior to the trauma. It was my neighbor Ruth, who gave me the only birthday party I ever had, when I turned 10. About 2 years later - it was too late for her to help anymore.
It would make an interesting Twilight Zone episode, wouldn't it? altering one or two things and changing the outcome...having alternate endings... "see if you can find the difference in these two pictures"... maybe in another parallel universe I DO have all those things that were missing; the trauma never happened; and I'm living a complete, fulfilled life... and if only I can find the mirror to step into... to trade places with that person - that alter-me...
I read too much sci-fi for too many years.
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::closing mouth::
This is incredible work, Izzy.
What a blessing to find a T you connect with.
Lighter
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hi PR, hi lighter,
Thank you. Sci-Fi--well it could be!!
My next visit is tomorrow. I have 2 hours this time. I had my homework done and was checking today, because I felt 'uinhappy' about my wording etc. before printing. We are allowed 6-8 pages. I had only 3. How could anyone write EIGHT?
OMG! I stopped at age 17. I had to write, today!! about the rest of the crap [52 years] and now I have EIGHT pages, just printed. Hot off the press! and I had to cut the N short but my wording went well.
The whole story is pathetic and sometimes funny, in retrospect. We have a lot of mountains here, and passes especially buit to shorten the trip: Rogers Pass. Kootenay Pass, The Coquihilla and there are thousands of Donot Passes. I don't know who Mr. Donot is, but I guess he was famous. Not in Google though.
Battery chairs hit the $6.000.00 mark
Pic of one: used $1600.00: e-mailed it to Therapist.
Love
Izzy
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8 pages......
::nodding::
That's respectable, lol.
As for the motorized chair..... it looks very trim and comfy.
Light
ps... tell us how your appt went.
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hi lighter
Did you get the Do Not Pass?
Ah! Well I tried!
Dr. telephoned re my 1:00 and I was here getting ready for a 2:00 so we met in the middle 1:30 and went for 3 hours.
All is good, but he charges to read those 8 pages.
Statements to ponder.
. Every feeling has a beginning and an end.
. Every feeling is attached to a need: a need being met, or a need not being met.
. I have the power and can use it! (Say it and mean it!)
Name all the words or phrases you can think of for:
I am someone who is, or who us commited to be:
A compassioinate communicator
Loving freedom
Volunteering(contimue on your own) (you don't have to share if you don't want to but think, think and see what you come up with. Maybe something you never thought of before. "Confiding in others" (We have a long way to go to confide in people after all our betrayals.)
I have to make a Collage of My Ideal Life! Ouch--could be a problem, as a walkie or as a rollie?
Later Tummy pain. I went there without lunch and I just had a small sandwich and better lie down.
later
Love
Izzy
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Hi Iz,
Another healthy-life thing is taking good care of the elimination system to avoid infections and constipation/ toxins in the system.
At our age, this little activity becomes the highlight of our day, right?
tt
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Hi tt
It is always on my mind, when I ingest food and drink.
Always On my mind. Always on my mind.
(http://www.slrkelowna.ca/embars.gif)
xx
Izzy
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hi all.........................................................
HELP
I am to do an in depth about "My Ideal Life".
I don't know how to portray an ideal life when in a wheelchair!! If I portray a walkie ideal life it would be false.
My ideal life would be only wishful thinkiing..... then this Ideal Life I present, I am to find a friend who will keep track of me so that I attain that Ideal Life.
Once again I am on the outside and cannot do that!
I am not going to even begin it until I here from a few of you.
I make sense.....do I not?
xx
Izzy
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Iz,
Did the doc say that the Ideal should be possible?
Feels to me like placing that contingency on the project kinda deflates it... and defeats the purpose.
Maybe the whole point is to let your imagination run wild and then, in the process, alot of hidden feelings will spring forth?
I dunno for sure, but that makes sense to me.
You would not be un-true to yourself if you imagined what, in your wildest dreams, might be your ideal life, would you?
Make it like an excursion into fantasy?
Love,
Carolyn
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HI Carolyn,
Since I am to make to identical collages, one for me, one for my friend to 'keep at me'--- it appears it must be a logical "ideal life'
I cannot make an ideal life from being in a wheelchair, just recently finding out that will never stand again and am to buy a battery operated scooter.
All of this evolved from a list of feelings that I tell him I don't have, then he told me the feelings he sees.
OK STOP
I have pictures of horseback riding, mountain climbing, BBQ'ing while dancing with my spatula, swimming. bunjee jumping, flying an airplane, parachuting, having an Uji and killing all the Ns and Ps on earth.
That is all fantasy, right? That might be Ideal but not be able to be done
OK
So I put 2 pictres on a collage board: one of me in a power chair and one in a manual chair...not much of a Ideal Life.
Yes "I am to find a friend who will keep track of me so that I attain that Ideal Life".
I say with this one he has just had a mind hiccup, that not all his patients are the same.
and that disappoints me!
Agreed?
Izzy
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Izz.... you go and do and you know your limits but.......
you go and do and you know your limits.
If you had all the support and means and energy in the world......
what would your perfect day, (in an Izzy or otherwise powered chair....)
look like?
I see beer, a tiny bit of entertaining, exploring, sharing....
I see your family and I see Izzy engaging interesting others.
What does your perfect day look like in Costa Rical?
Is it Norway you'd like to see?
How about Paris?
I traveled on a plane once, sitting next to a man nicknamed "wheels", bc he was in a wheel chair and it was memorable in business.
He sailboats and travels by plane and runs a company bc that's what his perfect days look like. He's living them, not that they're without their difficulties. All from a wheel chair and.... don't get me wrong, I'd rather eat a bug than sailboat but.... the fact is..... you have some dreaming to do.
Now..... I see you sharing a cold beverage with friends and laughing and darnit..... where is it you want to do that?
The States, perhaps?
Anyone here you'd like to visit ::wink wink, nudge nudge?::
In the fall.... when beer tastes the best?
Exploring by day and nesting by night, cormforatbly in your own space.... reading and watching movies of your choice?
Eatin familiar crunchy munchies...... and maaaayyyyybe some new ones?
I don't k now..... there are so many things still left to do.
Lighter
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Izzy,
I'm sorry... had a brain fart of my own, there... but I'm finding it hard to believe that's this doc's problem.
Maybe whatever feelings are coming up within you, as you consider this project, are just exactly what the therapist was trying to get at?
Love,
Carolyn
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hi lighter and Carolyn
You see, when he asks for this to be done, HE doesn't care for the results. It is his patients who do it for themselves.
I will not waste my time doing one, as the little world, I like, that I have built for myse;f, with no toxic people is fine for me......right now.
This exercise of his is not going to get me anywhere, as I am already where "I want to be"....at least I cannot think of anything better than right now, now!
Back a few posts,. I said he willl charge me for reading my Life Story. Writing my Life Story was "just for me" It's an exercise in putting it down on paper. I have studied this over and over in my mind for 6 years.
As much as I've told him, he knows, but 'forgets' that I have spent the last 6 years reaching this point, that I like, and I have said to him that I am short term and I just asked him to cement some things.
He has done a few but also, you see, if we do it MY way, it looks as though he has no control over a patient.
I don't want to control him; I just don't need all the hoopla from beginning to end.
I will talk wilth him in 2 weeks about this. He'll inderstand.
Izzy
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uh.... Iz. Hey.
I don't want to throw you for a loop, but I'm hearing you be a bit defensive about the life you've built - and liking it that way. (This: from the Queen of Defensive...) Maybe I'm just seeing myself... but it really does sound like you're saying "this is the way it IS" and "I don't want to try to change it".
Folks in wheelchairs ski; play basketball... teach...
We had a blind man in a tai chi class.
I do understand your ownership, pride, and comfort in the life you've made... and that's a very, very good thing. But, WHAT IF....
... you COULD walk again; how would you want change your life? What would you do differently? Dreams - even for us "old ladies" - are a very, very good thing. IT DOESN'T HAVE TO BE POSSIBLE - to DREAM IT.
And, in my experience, the only time something is IMPOSSIBLE is when we stop dreaming we can have it. That's something I have to remind myself - ALOT - these days.
I think the exercise is important - especially since you feel so strongly about it. I think you'll discover something NEW that you didn't know about Izzy. Even if you try to do it - and you seem to not be able to - even THAT is important.
Just my opinion, sweetie... you know. And I wanted to say that this morning, I had a dream about everyone here! We were all together in the flesh - Carolyn, SS, Ami, Izzy, Hops... EVERYONE was in my dream. And Iz - you weren't in a chair - you WERE up & dancing in the aisles... Carolyn was going to church... don't remember much.
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Hi PR
I expect I do sound defensive about my life. It does sound rather boring.
At this point I have just learned I will not 'stand up' again and I am to use a power chair for my downtown trips. My shoulders, now, might give out before I do.
"My Ideal Life" .....well....oh. and it must be an honest one that can come true if I work on it. So it must be one in a wheelchair. (I too, dream of me and I am always standing/walking.) So dreaming 'what if' does not belong in this truth. This is for me and what I can work toward, and I see my limitations, although not with anger.
My mother could never stand and she wore dresses. I see now that they were better for using the bathroom. I have no dresses , but use slacks, clamdiggers, shorts and cannot pull them back up anymore without lying on my bed, so I don't use Public Facilities. I must find a place with the dresses I have in mind, and they are not sexy, spangly, slit to the waist ones. I can see in my mind what I want for a style. (There is still pulling up the panties, unless I go without them.)
Anything strenuous would make me pee myself--unless I were thoroughly prepared for it, as in less liquid and and good emptying just before I go. I never leave home without my pee. Life is a bit organized and timed. It is different to be catheterized and there is time enough for that when I really require it again.
I had to remind therapist yesterday that I was dealing with the 2 new things--no standing ever again and a power chair I must buy! So life continues with its little sidetracks all the way along.
Thank you for dreaming about me (dancing yet!) and for writing.
This is new to me, this Ideal Life--ideally it would be to walk again, but the reality is what I must work with.
Oh yes. I am to find pictures to represent my ideal life and use words from a list he gave me. When finished Ii am to read it ( He said READ IT!) every day and work toward that life. I am to have someone else clued in with a copy of my collage and to check on me about Accountability, Support and Encouragement.
Love
Izzy
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Yes, Iz... I sure as H--- know about limitations and being realistic about them. Yep. Gots some of my own.
And the idea of dreaming about what "might yet come to pass" was new to me, too. My hubby was the one who got me started on that... like I'd always wanted a pony... so he bought me 3 toy ponies. I'd never had sexy undies or sleep wear... just plain, institutional white; flannel... and he wanted to know why on earth NOT? So I wound up with a Victoria's Secret charge account that I use maybe once, twice a year.
He's bought me untold bits and pieces of art stuff - and even busted his butt to revamp our family room into a studio for me...
... doing his damndest to undo as many disappointments in my life as he could. But ya know what? It's still up to ME to start working toward making dreams reality. And I'm still dragging my feet about it. So... having a list of what I want... or a collage... would be a good starting point. I do have a list:
live on/near the water
make & sell art
find fun people to hang out with - do things with
quit smoking - completely, once & for all
That's it - big list, huh? That list is 5 years old. And it's SHORT because I didn't feel - and still have trouble feeling - like I'm important enough to want anything... guess that's why I connected with your homework.
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hi Pr
oh how nice to have someone bring some new things into your life.....things you enjoy.
So this exercise is to find pictures that represent your desires--what you wrote could be easy. You might find a picture of a house on the water, or a condo or a shack, whatever, but the prettiest and the most like you would want, then print from computer or cut from a magazine, then continue with the other things. I think the collage would show pretty things, so no diseased lungs, just a No Smoking sign (?) The collage need only be the size of regular paper, 8˝ x 11". It is laminated, (or Saran wrapped) AND IN PLAIN SIGHT SO YOU SEE IT EVERY DAY.
Then think of the phrase therapist said to me.
"I have the power and I can do it!"
(hit a key that sent this too early)
I'm going to scan some pages again for here.
Love
Izzy
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This is a list whereby one says, out loud, using your name, "I, Izzy, am accountable"
If a word or phrase on this list is not me at all, I am to delete by erasing it completely with 'white-out".
These words that are "you" can assist "you" with your collage!
Izzy
(http://www.slrkelowna.ca/phrases.jpg)
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This 'list' is self explanatory and it's amazing the nunber of feelings that are sorted out and put into categories. It was given to me on a two-sided 'cardboardish' page.
Look at Physical Nurturance--6 suggestions, and before we all came up with over 10.
If you want any of these, just right-click and save. These are .jpg images. (I centre these in the scanner and they are crooked looking--must be my angle, sitting beside scanner, or ....well they look normal here, but ... I also scanned at 50% to fit here and have not printed after scanning......just saved to a Folder and uploaded to the website I work with. Eventually I clean out all extraneous files...............but It sure is s good way to post things. on the Web.
Izzy
(http://www.slrkelowna.ca/comp1.jpg)
(http://www.slrkelowna.ca/comp2.jpg)
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Thanks Izzy - comp1 is the one I need to digest... I think. Maybe comp2.
Learning that it's OK to try to get my needs met... and how do this for myself....
Not quite up to where you are, YET! :mrgreen:
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Oh my....
I thought I'd never get used to having "You are always on my mind" go through my brain but.....
Willie's kinda growin on me, lol.
Light
ps.... Izz..... I get what you're saying about your life being enough. You've already overcome things you never thought you would.
You're already living a dream.
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Oh PR I am happy that something is ringing a bell with you, and that you admit it. There could be many who feel the same, reading these posts, and not acknowedge!
As stated on comp1--this is for everyone!
and lighter
Am I always on your mind? Is that what you are saying re Willie? I can say the same about you. You are always on my mind, the same as my daughter and grandchildren. Here but not here, with me!!!!!
And yes, I have overcome many things. I was hoping there would be no more, but the 'not standing up' and the 'kiddy car' were not in my thoughts for the future! However they fit into my life and are not a bolt from out of the blue, as was.......well I guess the accident and being banished by my (then) son-in-law.
I hope you are well and getting settled. I am alwayd surprised, but happy to see you post when I know you are so busy!!!
Love ya
Izzy
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Actually, you're on my mind quite a lot, Izz: )
And.....
you allllllllllso put that song, same/similar title, in my mind when you were talking about bodily functions in an earlier post; )
I finally got used to Willie Nelson bouncin round in me brain pan and....
Lighter
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Iz,
Thanks for the listings... and for showing us how to save them. I didn't know.
This is such good stuff. I've saved to desktop the Compassion one and the other re: Feelings under different circumstances
and hope to go through them with a fine tooth comb, beginning this weekend.
And Iz.... I can't picture myself doin collages about life, either.
Still, to this day, I'm amazed to be free (mostly) from those who - as you say - are toxic and belong on the other side of that fence.
Not so long ago, I thought that NPD-ex would never quit stalking...
and the rest of the bunch - - - well, it's been 7 1/2 years physically removed and I still breathe a sigh of relief regularly.
Not sure I'm ready to consider what might be "ideal". In fact, I often think that most likely I wouldn't recognize it if I was in the midst of it...
which just maybe I am!
When is it ever enough?
When WE say it is, I believe.
Love,
Carolyn
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Izzy-
It hurt to read that you will not be standing up in future, and the many new difficulties that you face. So unfair, so unfair... Please get all of the help available you proud creature- you deserve it.
Your insights, as always, are right on and apply so well to healing from the effects of Ns-The idea of mapping out goals and lifepaths anew is so important. Until I can get free, legally, I have to disentagle myself from Bagworms machinations, tying me up financially and in terms of time and effort and my thinking about myself and my life. If I don't reorient my thinking my life remains centered around the Bagworm!!!!
Placing importance upon the tangibles and the intagibles- seeing the value in things not for sale within one's self- this can get lost in law courts, medical offices and business meetings- but is the true measure of our worth.
Love You and Hope All Goes Well With You From Your Friend,
Changing