Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival => Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board => Topic started by: Gaining Strength on July 25, 2008, 03:53:59 PM
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Boy I have been getting so much help from people here and it is starting to make real, tangible differences in my life.
I am seeing that my shame and feelings of humiliation are from taking on what my parents could not bear. It does not belong to me the compassion I gave away does.
For a year or two I have had, what I refer to as, all the pieces of the puzzle. But I could not break through anything. But I see how I took on their stuff and that I lost all compassion for myself. It took me until two years ago to understand that what "froze"/paralyzed me was shame. Once I got that I thouht it would be a wiz to heal. Not so. I really had to get to the deep power of humiliation. I thought shame was bad or painful but it doesn't touch humiliation. Shame is something you just tried to hide or bury and can function around it, albeit not very well. But humiliation is all encompassing. That's what I got.
Now I am doing a few small chores and experiencing that profound humiliation. But I am applying gentle compassion to that little girl who was so profoundly humiliated. It is working. It is a very complex task because I was humiliated for things that had nothing to do with me and for my emotional reactions to the humiliation and for trying to protect myself. So healing actually turns in on itself and causes humiliation. That is why it has been so all encompassing and so powerful in my life and so isolating.
This compassion issue is so new to me. It is almost intoxicating.
Slowly, step by step I am going to have compassion for that LG (little girl) who gave all of hers away. I think compassion will build me up. The anger is not right for me. For too many reasons. It is too destructive for me and does not give me any power but compassion does.
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Just a quick note - then I'm out for the weekend.
I think self-compassion is absolutely the right track for you. So much so, I'm going to start applying this to my re-integration work, too. See if it gets me past the plateau I've been on this week. Compassion is starting to look very, very powerful and productive.
All your work on shame so far, IS paying off. It's gotten you to this point today. And being able to share that has helped a lot of people here - not not just me. I hope you have a wonderful weekend - playful and fun and FREE of the old feelings...
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Thanks Phoenix Rising - there are no words.
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SS,
I agree with you and think you are right on - anger is less helpful to us than compassion. Without realizing it, I think I have done/am doing what you said here. I am no longer angry (fearful) of what I was as a young adult. I see that the choices I made are in the past, and, in many cases, the kinds of dumb choices many young adults make. I am very much trying to accept that for myself.
Your ideas are so clear, and you are moving forward like a bullet train :)
Lots of love,
Beth
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I have to share this - It is all so strange. I have lived this life in so much agony and after much searching and seeking I recognize that I am beginning to emerge. It is wonderful and wondrous but not the way I had imagined. It is slow and awkward. Each step I take, each chore I attempt to tackle is nerve-wracking. Is that habit or warning? quick - step in. This is where the self-condemnation swoops in before thought or feeling can act - self-condemnation which is nothing other than their condemnation which I claimed as my own. But now I must intervene and seize that ah ha instant and insert compassion and encouragement like a sharp needle extruding the life saving elixer.
But how do I order my life. How do I proceed? I have no idea and in that way I am in the same place. Inch by inch I must try my new wings and spurn the fear that it is not real.
I am definitely in recovery - sore and tender and in need of acute care.
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Thanks Gratitude! I'm glad you are moving ahead as well.
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I can relate to where you are, SS. I went through years of anger and I agree with you: compassion feels much stronger. Perhaps for many people, these are stages. For me, compassion, as opposed to anger, puts me, not others, in the driver's seat. Here's a take on the issue of shame/humiliation, for what it's worth: there is appropriate shame, but there is never appropriate humiliation. Shame can be something we feel in response to something WE did, or WE said, that we wish we had not. I feel ashamed of the way I treated certain people when I was younger, and I'm glad I feel ashamed of it. My NF, for instance, has never felt shame, as far as I know. It goes with his inability to empathize. Humiliation on the other hand is always an act of aggression--deliberately demeaning someone else, trying to undermine their sense of worth. My NF used humiliation constantly, so when I was first trying to heal, make sense of what had happened so I could move on, the feeling of being humiliated permeated everything I did. Relationships with new people were colored by that past dynamic: there were no innocent "insults," ever misstep on someone else's part was a deliberate attempt to hurt me. That's what being so raw does. For me, the hardest (and ongoing) stage was moving from the fear of constant humiliation into trust. Trusting other people, and trusting myself to be able to deal with both the good and the bad in them, peacefully, with patience and kindness. It's hard.
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This morning I am back at working to clean. I am discovering something that began to be clear yesterday. The shame is bad anc causing sever stomach aches but the ANTICIPATION is the bigger problem and it is the Catch 22. I now see that I so fear the shame that is to come.
I know what it comes from now. The work I have done this week have finally shone a light on it. The absolute fear comes from the constant criticism and condemnation. I have lived with this unbelievable pain and fear over minor and major tasks my entire life. It is still huge but it is finally cracking. It comes from the horror I experienced as a child and until this week I could not get at it. I lived with what would amount to hazing but it was too much for a little child and there was no reprieve. Even as a young adult there is some sense of an end goal but hazing a toddler - that is nothing short of torture. I lived as a little bitty chid with torture and my paralysis has been a manifestation of that trauma - completely repressed.
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Stuff is just pouring out of me today. It feels like a purge of a lifetime of pain and agony.
I see in a way that I have never known that my stomach has held all of this pain, all this time. Suddenly, I see why I used to overeat as a teen, young adult and later why I would stuff carbs late at night. I needed to match this emotional pain with a physical pain. Then I would use coffee to match this pain. I don't really understand that dynamic but think it must be much like what a cutter does, making physical what is from the psyche.
Today, as I slowly, very, very slowly get things done I see what has happened my entire life - entire life. My paralysis has gotten worse because the anxiety and fear and shame has built up onto of itself. For example, if I planned to get the kitchen clean five years ago and didn't and then someone came into my house and said, "I don't know how you can live like this." And the "knot" in my stomach grows worse and worse. Then each subsequent time I can't get the kitchen cleaned it is on top of that experience and I hear that voice plus my father's condemnation, plus my own until the voices - completely unconscious had totally paralyzed me. But the real topper is that even if I finished something when I was a child then either or both my parents would be critical about the results. If I had done a good job then they would be critical about how I did it or how long it took or that it had ever needed doing, or where I put things away or the direction the handle was pointing.
When I was young, I liked to bake but my mother would be so angry about the mess - not just when I finished but in the middle. She would scream and tell me how I ruined her life and always made such a mess. (My mother had 2 not just one, full time, 5 days a week maids.) But the mess part is what stayed in my being and became me.
AS I was cleaning this morning I dropped and broke a pyrex bowl with a snug plastic cover. I really love that bowl. AS soon as it happened I felt the warm flush of shame slide down my body from head to belly and get stuck like a 10 lb. stone. I could not move and then the recriminations began - but this time I could shut them off. I had to battle them for some time. then I had to face cleaning it up - I cannot describe the pain of it. Then I had to deal with the top. In the past I would keep the top because of the shame of what I had done - broken a bowl. I looked in my cabinet and saw several plactic tops to cheap plastic containers that I had not used in YEARS. Today I put them in the recycle bag and took it out. These things cause me indescribable pain and have completely stopped me cold in the past. These outrageous simplistic things have kept me a prisoner in shame and filth for years.
But bit by bit over the past two years I have found one technique after another to battle through each layer, each new revelation about the origins of this pain. And each level has brought me closer and closer to freedom. Today I am closer still though there is still fear there - no doubt.
People have always told me to push through the fear. I would have if I could have. A few of you here understand that.
I know this is a real and tranforming break this time but I must be slow and deliberate because the fear is still there though now it has a name which allows me to talk back to it. I am sure there is more underneath and that is OK because I have the strength to face it when I have made some head way with this.
It is so lonely to deal with this all by myself. I cannot tell you how lonely it is. That is the thing that shame does - it completely alienates. But I could not have done this without this place because in moments like this I feel connected to humans even though there is noone here right now and noone to (figuratively) hold my hand or to encourage me outloud. Though things would be nice. I actually gave up on those a long time ago. But I found this and this is a very close 2nd. Wish you were here but thanks for listening.
Fearful but defeating fear. Shamed by slaying it. Gaining strength, gaining healing. Now I see that I really was a victim of cruel and compassionless empty beings - unable to love or protect a defenseless child. That breaks my heart.
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Dear SS
I am overwhelmed by your post. I feel grateful to you for your honesty. It is a gift to others who are suffering. It is such a gift to me, today. You are making a big, big breakthrough, seeing the truth of your parents. I have been doing the same. The pain is so,so,so bad but under the pain is the real you, NOT the insane you, who had to believe all the lies.
The insane you is shattering.
Last night, I had a profound experience. *I* saw how my H was my abuser and how *I* am still abusing myself by not honoring myself. I saw my parents and the emptiness you describe. It took my Aunt to shame them in to treating me with the simplest of respect. It took my beating them down with clubs for them to give me the simplest of human respect. My H is beaten down with a club and treats me respectfully.
I know that the club is the reason.
It hurts terribly,SS.
However, I don't feel as insane . I would suffer most pain NOT to feel insane and numb. I hate that so badly.
You are doing so,so,so well, Trust me that you are getting stronger and more authentic. You are beautiful under all the layers of distortions ,which were NEVER yours to begin with. Love Ami
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Thanks so much Ami. This is so lonely. The lonliness is some of the worst part. I see how the shame has so isolated me - in so many ways. Because so few people have any understanding what what it is to live in shame - they say, "Just get up and do what you have to do. Stop being so lazy. Stop making excuses." It is isolating because I have been so angry and resentful. Who wants to be around someone angry and resentful. It is isolating because I live like a slob. Who wants to be around a slob. It is isolating because I cannot follow through on anything. Who wants to be around someone who is not dependable?
All this is crashing to the earth. The shame, the paralysis, the fear, the condemnation. - All is crashing to the earth. The loneliness. Soon I will be out in the world without forcing myself. Soon I will be able to function without the adrenaline rush of shame or fear of ruin. Soon I will deside that I want to achieve a goal and not be sent to bed in depression and anxiety. Soon, very soon.
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Dear SS
JUST be with the feelings. That is the current "work". When the feelings subside, you will have insights, effortlessly,IME. You will see and know things that will set you free.
That is how I see it. Just be where you are, SS and try to endure the feelings. They are like childbirth. At the end , the baby is born. The pain is the shattering of the distortions so the real you can be born. Love Ami
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Each task I complete makes it clearer and clearer that the fear is not so much associated with the task at hand but the consequences to come and that has to do with the condemning voice. The double bind about the voice is that it is condemning for past, present and future. I am cleaning up - all my past failures come pouring up, condemnation for the present situation comes up, criticism about not completing the task and about the task itself not being enough, about the task not being accomplished in the right way or done to satisfaction which all leads to consequences about the future and about being so far behind and about not being able to overcome the past and the thing snowballs and snowballs and snowballs until the pain grinds my being to a halt.
Now understand that this goes to every single daily task - getting out of bed - never early enough, never quick enough, then there is the set up about what should be accomplished before the day gets started - walk the dog, read, exercise, meditate, pray, bath, fix hair and makeup, fix a nutritious breakfast that R will eat, get R up, get him dressed and medicine taken and homework in backpack and ................ Until I can't get out of bed until just enough time to get R up dressed, fed and out the door. Multiply this by each and every task - planning dinner, grocery shopping, fixing dinner, cleaning up. Each and every one of these tasks send me through this horrendous self-shaming, self-condemning, gut-wrenching process. Until I put R to bed and just sit, numb, numbing to television, reaching out here, to pained to sleep because it all comes bubbling up into my dreams - the pain, the shame.
Now I know. NOw I know why Ihave been such a failure at life. I had a disease - a condition that was put on me as an infant and that I needed other human beings to liberate me from. But until I could find other humans in as much pain who also had compassion (and the two don't often go together) I could not climb out.
The world is a very, very judgmental place and I have radar for judgement like the Big Array. It does not matter where that judgment is directed - I take it in and apply it to myself. Well for the first time in my life - I think that spell is broken. And now I must deal with the fear - the fear that all that whirlwind will kick in. If that cycle of past, present, and future condemnation is broken then I am free. Thank God almighty. It is a prison that I have lived in my entire life. But like anyone set free from decades in a prison after false imprisonment, I am tentative and not certain how to proceed. That will take time.
I do not know how to live shame free. That will take time. Strangely, it is scary. Now I have another task at hand. And then another and then another. But now I am free to do them - one at a time, one at a time.
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It sounds like you are moving into a new phase, SS. I so relate to doing what you describe in response to the constant put-downs. I went the opposite way: did not eat. Deprived myself as unworthy of anything, even food. But if you weren't getting stronger, would you have the ability to let all this flow through you? Take care. Hang in there.
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Thank you gjazz. It is so amazing. I have been moving things down into the basement. What is different is that I have not been able to even walk into the basement without feeling indescribable pain and shame. Today it is simply a chore to be done. This is life changing. I just can't tell you.
I am so interested to see what happens day after day to see what this change will be. How different will it be from the softening of my personal attitudes that allowed people into my life and activities. I wonder and will be interested to see.
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This IS life changing, SS.
I have a basement story. I put everything down there and left it. Could NOT go down there, could not face it. Then: a flood. And I lay above it thinking, oh well. Furniture, antiques, paintings, all my own stuff and my brothers', from school. Didn't care. Then I heard my cat crying. WHY he was down there and refusing to come up, I don't know. But I went down, around midnight. Started bailing. Bucket by bucket, up the stairs, out into the dark. Finally set up a table that was already down there, brought down some cheese and crackers, found a bottle of champagne, opened it (the wine was stored down there). All night, I bailed, the kitty sat in the other chair, and we ate Brie and Trisquits.
Meaning? probably nothing. But it's the small things, sometimes, looking back, I remember.
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I think the compassion needs to be parental - the kind of thing we would feel for our own children. The explanations, the things we tell ourselves, the forgiveness for small accidents... and the guidance, to take a deep breath and continue to try again and understanding that "our best" isn't always absolute perfection... that we're human: we tire, we need play as well as work, we get hungry and even though chocolate cake sounds a lot better than broccoli... the broccoli will make us healthier, stronger, more balanced.
... and there is absolutely no reason for us to feel to humiliated because our parents weren't parents at all. It doesn't diminish our importance or worth as human beings because those OTHER people had zippo capacity to be human beings. The way we were continuously and repetitively treated is more about their own lack - than because we "deserved" it or because it was "for our own good".
Living well is the best revenge - and the only person's approval I need for what "living well" consists of - is my SELF. I can no longer be tortured by my mother. I no longer need to be triggered by situations or people that remind me of her... I no longer need to feel humilation for setting emotional and behavioral boundaries for my self... for asking for what I need...
I no longer wish that I could die rather than bear the total, complete misery of humilation (that I was MADE to feel) for being my own damn self with very bad people as parents.... because I FINALLY ACCEPT that it isn't and WASN'T my fault they were/are that way.
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Right--my NF humiliated constantly. It's really the only sort of relationship I can remember having with him as a child: not sure exactly what form the attack would take, only that I'd come out of any interaction hating myself. What's bizarre is that once it stopped working on his now-adult children, he started with strangers. He attacks unsuspecting, clearly vulnerable people--esp. those who can't fight back. Classics, like waiters, bank tellers...recently he made an older woman (another customer) at the meat counter cry. It's pathetic, really. But I agree with PR, living well is the best revenge. That and finally being immune to the N's manipulation.
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And if immunity takes a little longer, gjazz... there's always NC.
SS: how are things today? How are you feeling? I'm feeling like a total raw nerve today... as if, if anyone asks me something, I'll just break down in tears. But ALSO... like I'm finally able to stop all the self-abuse that's been layered onto me like icing on a cake... that I finally HAVE that essential emotional boundary that I can't be told by anyone what I really feel... or should feel... or who I really am. And this teetering on the brink of total emotion is perfectly OK, now - because of that boundary.
I no longer want to keep smoking... or eating a whole bag of chips & can of dip... I no longer wish to inflict on myself the old self-talk, self-abuse that kept me just where my mother wanted me... because I know that's how I remained trapped in the same old cycle of self-sabotage and abuse...
... and I didn't deserve ANY of it - any more than you did. Each small thing you do for yourself and what you've chosen MATTERS, no matter how you do it - how long it's been waiting to be done - no matter who sees; who knows. Remember - it's not whether you can draw well or not - it's whether it's FUN and you ultimately feel good for accomplishing it. Don't forget to reward yourself! Praise yourself for completed tasks!
Positive reinforcement will help those old feelings from coming back next time. You might have to "repeat as needed" for a while - but it will become a habit quicker than it seems right now. And btw - you're not at all alone in the process - I'm walking my own uphill path with sort of the same thing, right now. We can compare notes when you get a break!
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I used NC for many months. Rather, all communication was required to be in writing. As he was unwilling to be held to his words, NC resulted.
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Meaning? probably nothing. But it's the small things, sometimes, looking back, I remember.
Meaning!!....Like this is huge (at least for me)...the cat drew you back down. The cat is living and alive and stuck. I have a basement something like what you describe. I think I'm going to rename it "the dungeon of what might have been". Of course, what might have been is what all attics and basements are all about but they are appropriate during certain parts of life when they are useful....maybe when the grandkids are skulking about....I have fond memories of going through friend's attics and discovering treasures and applying my own meaning to them......it gives me freedom to hang on to things now...I don't have the courage to give up what might have been. But that's OK. Thank God I have a basement!
I've picked up on only one message and have not read the entire thread so please know that I am only responding to "the basement" portion of the thread. If my cat or dog or any living thing was stuck down there, I would catapult the entirety to retrieve the living. That's where I'm at and I think you also.
Anyway, this is the second reply I have posted tonight. It's very hot and humid and I am worried about appearing too talky...we're not used to hot and humid....it's sort of like when the weather changes, do we?
Take care....
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What's bizarre is that once it stopped working on his now-adult children, he started with strangers. He attacks unsuspecting, clearly vulnerable people--esp. those who can't fight back. Classics, like waiters, bank tellers...recently he made an older woman (another customer) at the meat counter cry.
OMG gjazz, my Nfather does that too!!!! It is astonishing. If one of us steps in for some reason or other it is like a vortex and suddenly we are sucked in.
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Lupine:
Yes--well--I have five cats here in CA, ALL because my neighbor (a psychiatric nurse, make of that what you will) sold her house and moved and left them to their own devices. She was an animal hoarder. So, now I have five, but have found homes for twenty more. Mine are the "lost boys," the ones the shelter said they would kill and nobody would take. I was worried in the early days because I was single, no kids, no near relatives--but my mom stepped in when I had work and had to travel. And my kitties are AWESOME little animals. They've survived eye surgeries, casts, countless rounds of antibiotics....I moved from a very antiseptic NYC life to this. BUT the basement story here took place less than a month after I'd moved here. Cold, alone, and not knowing who this little cat belong to, I took him in during a storm. And he took me to the basement. I'm an editor and writer and to this day, ten years later, he sits right next to me while I work.
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I became involved in animal rescue in Northern California....with a great agency and when I moved, the ones I had left went with me. Psychiatric nurse?! Well I guess the lowest common denominator of all of us is if we can carry through and if we can sustain what we first started out to do. I'm glad you were there.
I have a couple of dogs who are missing their front legs. They live in fairly close quarters with 4 others who have all their abilities. Guess who rules the roost and it ain't me and it ain't the fully capable other four :) The truly intelligent learn to compensate...:) :)
Anyway, the basement got to me....it reminded me of my father who was rather distant and judgemental but there came a time when the cat could not be found but could be heard to meow seemingly from behind a wall. And, my father tore apart that wall in the bathroom to find the cat who, of course, re-appeared from the adjacent closet in which he chose to hide....and my father rebuilt the wall and the cat returned to normal life. And my father never mentioned it....I learned something of my father's values from this which he could not articulate to me but his actions taught me a lot.
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We're both in Northern CA then--but as for your father, is it possible that for whatever reason it wasn't his values so much as where he felt safe in terms of showing affection? I often wonder about that with my NF. I.e. his own upbringing was so corrupted that he feels safer, now, at nearly 70, with his dogs than he ever did with his kids or wives. And I can't fault him for THAT (though I fault him for much), as I feel safer with animals, too, and I sense that his upbringing was pretty...how shall I say?...demanding in one way, very coddling in another. All in all destructive, whatever the specifics.
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I am pushing things today. making an effort to push through the pain - doing so in fits and starts. Repeatedly drawn here. Trying to logoff so I can get more done. Put computer down and immediately pick it up. WHY???? Because the need to connect is SO great. And then I see - the isolation - not physical but emotional isolation - was so great as a child that it plays a HUGE role in shutting me down. I have known for YEARS that when another person is simply present then I am able to accomplish tasks that I have been shut out of for days, months or years. They don't have to help - just be present. That hole is so big it could swallow up my entire house. It is a gaping sink hole threatening the neighborhood. The utter emptiness and pain.
The other side of that coin - is that being with people in this emotional issue is psychologically stuck on being withfamily and they are going to destroy me. So it is a razor's edge of being isolated or humiliated. That is where I got stuck as a child - that is where I am stuck right now!! between isolation or humiliation - the only options - I am frozen. Now I see. What to do. This happened pre-consciousness, pre-LG. LG is in a coma and cannot function but her mind is keen and can see so much.
This is very painful.
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Sometimes "family" is decided by choice - not birth. I've always been a fan of Kurt Vonnegut's idea of a "karass" (sp?).
Here's the definition from wikipedia:
karass - a group of people who, often unknowingly, are working together to do God's will. The people can be thought of as fingers in a Cat's Cradle
Every now & then, their paths cross...
The definition of the word family usually includes the concepts of caring for and validating each other. In that respect, my biological parents and my brother weren't really my "family"... I've collected family in other places throughout my life.
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Hi SS,
I just logged back on, too.
How can we get unstuck, right here, right now? Is there a task you would like to do right now ? A small one ? I have one that will take about ten minutes. Would you like to go do one, too, and then we'll come back to this thread ? No pressure, just an idea.
cats paw
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Wow!! What a great idea. I had my son bring up his car seat b/c head had ground in pink silly putty that is all over every pair of pants he has worn for the past 2 days. He and I are going to see if we can clean that up. I'll be back when it is done. Thanks so much.
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Did it. Thanks - your suggestion helped me focus - 1 thing - just the way Hops suggested to me 2 years ago. Wonder how and if I can apply it?
What about you Cat's Paw?
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Sorry it took so long. My first reply wouldn't post.
I felt moved by what you wrote about isolation/need to connect/ family - and about another person being present. I wanted to be present for you in some small way.
Cleaning the silly putty was a good choice. It'll save you further work. Well, that is until the next time your son gets into something that needs scraping before laundering! Maybe next time, (and with kids, there will be a next time!) can you call upon this memory as one of your anchors? You mentioned something about feelings and the stage of adolescence? (Was it on Amber's thread?) We teens need our peers to do things with, and that is often a good motivator rather than "authority".
My task is complete, and I've made some plans for early AM tomorrow. I'm combining a task with pleasure.
Glad you were able to focus. Here's to us keeping it up, and acquiring new habits.
cats paw
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I am absolutely stunned by this thread.
SS for your bravery and everyone else here for your sense, your presentness, your compassion, your leaps of understanding and equally brave stories.
I lived with what would amount to hazing but it was too much for a little child and there was no reprieve (http://I lived with what would amount to hazing but it was too much for a little child and there was no reprieve)
Oh, SS. This line told me everything.
I am so so so proud of you. Not condescending ownership proud...I read once that saying "proud of you" was verboten since it took away a person's agency. But I say it anyway. Meaning, I think, proud FOR you.
I would be proud of you this very second standing beside you in ANY room of your house regarding ANY amount of clutter or dirt. I would be not one iota less proud if every sense showed me the complete shape of your mountain.
I am also admiring the little bulldozer you have acquired. I hear it growl happily to life when you let it move. I see it going to the next square foot. It is absolutely not worried about its task or how long it till take. It likes chomping, so it's just going to be chomping. It's a happy little bulldozer. Any time you let it go, it'll chomp.
WAY TO GO, girl.
love
Hops
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Cat's Paw...
thanks so much for this observation! We teens need our peers to do things with, and that is often a good motivator rather than "authority".
I'm so glad you pointed this out! One of the things I was denied, was association with my peers during/after the whole trauma episode. Instead, once I was allowed out of isolation, I was encouraged to spend time with older girls & boys - who were 16-17 to my 12-13. As any mom knows (but mine didn't)... that isn't ever a good situation to throw a kid into. They are expected to "fit in" at a level beyond their maturity. I guess my mom thought they'd be good free babysitter substitutes. And I was still in the midst of dissociation and the aftermath of so much horrible stuff... and these older kids didn't want to get caught with a younger kid. I was EXPECTED to act like them, if I was going to be with them... hence: smoking. Not the big revelation about smoking - but an important environmental aspect - to decisions that an innocent, confused, injured, emotionally abandoned teen made.
SS: I'm working as if my life depended on it this week (when you've smoked for 40 yrs, I guess it does)... and making more headway & gaining more traction than ever. Something came up this morning, that I thought I'd share - it might give you some more insight; it might not apply to you - but it's still worth sharing.
The gravest, most unfair deed my mother committed against me was denying me the opportunity to mother my SELF. I'd pretty much seen that I couldn't expect much from HER... in fact, the mystery of why she let me smoke and actually encouraged me to hang out with these older girls - who smoked - was that it acted like a pacifier for an unconsolably crying baby. It got me to go away and leave her alone; it numbed those feelings I had and pushed them away; it stopped me from ASKING to have my needs met. I'll bet humiliation was directed at you to stop you from asking, expecting to have your emotional needs met from your mother... and to keep you a "dumping ground" for your Dad's cruelty... maybe. Just an idea.
But, my point here... is that I attempted to mother myself when I was Twiggy. I attempted to console and comfort myself by clinging to a baby doll that I'd had since I was very, very small. At 12, I was still sleeping with the doll. As part of my mom's gaslighting about the abortion, the doll was taken away. I never knew where... and when I asked for it, was simply told it was "gone" and I was too old to need to sleep with a doll. And of course, I persisted in trying to allow my memories and emotions to exist... to play themselves out... to make some sense... so that I could understand what happened to myself: and validate my self and comfort myself. This was forcibly taken away from me; I was STOPPED from doing this, by the "doctor" who convinced me to "put Twiggy away"... followed by my mother's unconscionable period of shunning me, until I'd accomplished this act of violence against my self.
Eventually, the doll returned to me. I kept it and all the clothes in a trunk. When Ex #2 and I were off-loading a lot of material possessions to be able to fit what we owned into the small house that we were building - he insisted that I throw the doll away; take it to the dump with a lot of other stuff my mother insisted on sending me. I pleaded, that it took up very little space, it stayed in this trunk that was my Grandmas... I wanted to keep it. He refused and insisted; again... I had no choice. I'm sure the dump workers wondered at the tears streaming down my face... and I didn't speak to Ex#2 for a couple of days. I still have the clothes - handmade by my mom & grandma. But, I'm starting to let some of that stuff go now... absolutely no point in keeping it any longer. But not those clothes. They'll go to my youngest daughter. And I'll make sure she understands the symbolism... there is a LOT attached to those clothes; more than I've even described here.
We are no longer prohibited from mothering ourselves. We are free to lavish comfort, encouragement, validation, wisdom and guidance on our LG's... no one can stop us or force us NOT to, anymore... your courage in facing down those automatic emotional reactions to simple tasks is mothering yourself... it's standing beside your self and providing the support you need. Company is good, to start the process.... sometimes we need the actual experience of compassion, validation, and understanding - sheer companionship even - to see that what we're attempting IS possible... nothing "bad" will happen...
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I'll bet humiliation was directed at you to stop you from asking, expecting to have your emotional needs met from your mother... You are absolutely right about this!
Phoenix Rising - the story about your doll being taken away when you were an adolescent and then again by your ex#2 is unbelieveable!!!! It is SO painful. To read about your longing and your desire and your need being denied in two very different experiences and for two very different reasons is so horrendous.
I actually see what your ex#2 did as even more horrendous and invalidating (not strong enough a word) experience. Let me explain. Your mother could not "bear" the pain/problem of what to do about your experience and so she dumped it on you and shut the door and abandoned you yet again to be abused/raped psychologically. This abuse/rape was in her ability to prevent and it was her obligation. In terms of what you experienced, it does not matter if she was "able" or not to care for you at that time - she, as your mother was obligated to love and tend you with utmost compassion and care and she did not. She pushed you under the rug so she did not have to experience the pain. I can see that she might have thought that taking the doll would prevent you from "dwelling" on the abortion, the rape, the pain, the loss, and everything associated with that violation. In terms of your pain and your loss and your need for comfort, her motive is immaterial. You needed her and she refused so you needed your doll which had comforted you as a young child and she took that away, leaving you comfortless and in horrible pain and then allowed you to move out of the childlike phase where mothers are omnipresent - forcing you into an adolescent period where you are less dependant on her and less needy of her. She did not want to have the responsibility of nurturing your broken spirit but she owed it to you.
But ex#2 simply took your doll away out of utter cruelty and as a means to punish you. You kept the doll in the trunk - the trunk took up the same amount of space whether the doll was in it or not. He forced you to abandon that doll out of pure unadulterated cruelty as a means of hurting you. That is evil and there is no mistaking or entangling that with any kind of confusion about misguided or excused concept of "doing the best thing for you." But it is even more heinous because of the pain and loss alrady attached to your doll. I can't even wrap my own mind around it. It hurts. I am sorry. I can hardly think about it - it is all too much. My heart is with you. Thanks for sharing.
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Wow TT - that is absolutelly incredible!!! I get it. I get the whole concept of being compassionate towards that wounded soul who is yourself. How astonishing.
It really doesn't matter "why" to me but it stilll strikes me as odd that it takes seeing myself as two people to do this - one as the observer and one as the child needing compassion. Who cares. The point is that providing that necessary compassion. I get it.
Thank you for sharing TT. This has become an incredible thread - so deep and so healing - beyond words
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Hi SS,
Wow TT - that is absolutelly incredible!!! I get it. I get the whole concept of being compassionate towards that wounded soul who is yourself. How astonishing.
It really doesn't matter "why" to me but it stilll strikes me as odd that it takes seeing myself as two people to do this - one as the observer and one as the child needing compassion. Who cares. The point is that providing that necessary compassion. I get it.
Thank you for sharing TT. This has become an incredible thread - so deep and so healing - beyond words
Yes, this is a very good and timely thread.
It was interesting to me that Maria Shriver was on the Oprah show today. I wrote to you about making a promise, as if a covenant to myself. Maria spoke of making pledges to herself. She encouraged others to make self pledges. I had already posted to your thread, but hearing her say basically the same thing with different words made me believe that I was on the right track with what I wrote to you. Apparently Maria had her own emotional shakedown after leaving TV and now has written a little book.
Excerpt from, "Just Who Will You Be?" By Maria Shriver
Not too long ago, I came up with a list of Ten Things I Pledge to Myself, in order to keep myself focused and centered on just who I want to be. I introduced this Pledge at the California Governor and First Lady's 2007 Conference on Women, in Long Beach, California. I'm sharing it with you with the hope you may enjoy coming up with your own pledge to yourself. But please write it in pencil—because just like you, it's bound to change.
And remember: Enjoy the ride!
My Pledge by Maria Shriver:
1. I pledge to "show up" in my life as myself, not as an imitation of anyone else.
2. I pledge to avoid using the word "just" to describe myself. For example, I won't say, "I'm just a mother," "I'm just a student" or "I'm just an ordinary person."
3. I pledge to give myself ten minutes of silence and stillness every day to get in touch with my heart and hear my own voice.
4. I pledge to use my voice to connect my dreams to my actions.
5. I pledge to use my voice to empower myself and others.
6. I pledge to serve my community at least once a year in a way that will benefit other people.
7. I pledge to ask myself, "Who am I? What do I believe in? What am I grateful for? What do I want my life to stand for?"
8. I pledge to sit down and write my own mission statement.
9. I pledge to live my own legacy.
10. And I pledge to pass it on.
tt
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Teartracks - I saw that Oprah and found what Maria had to say very honest and forthright. It was such an extraordinary moment of seeing someone who has really come to terms with her own life in a very honest way. It was very interesting to have a glimpse into her transformation.
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Dream - I had a dream last night that was a true blessing. It demonstrated a significant breakthrough.
I was highschool age and with a group of friends. We were going to get together with a group of guys and were travelling by train. Before we left we had to collect all of our schoolwork. There were a number of sheets that were laid out to be collected. At first I began to panic because I thought I was too late to learn the material, then a straight A friend came by and collected hers and I knew that I was doing OK.
While we were off getting ready for the trip I ran into a guy I was casually dating. I was on the sidewalk and he was in a small boat. He was angry that I was going on the trip and in a flash I knew that I would be ending our dating relationship because we were clearly in different places about our relationship.
Once I was on the train I was learning the lay out. Our clothes and our makeup and our jewelry were all in different cars. There was a very specific order to getting prepared for our arrival at our destination. Suddenly I had to go to the bathroom and found my way to the bathroom car. There was a group of girls I didn't know in the foyer and I pushed my way gthrough to another room where some of the teachers were. There were toilets there but they were exposed to the open area. I felt the shame and exposure course through my body when someone pointed to a door behind me where there was a private bathroom.
When I finished, I went back to my seat and there was able to settle in to study with a couple of others. I was deeply engrossed in my school work but felt completely connected to the group as a whole and looking forward to our evening.
Sounds sort of boring when I write it out but these are the significant part. When I was a teenager, if a guy payed attention to me I felt locked in to doing what ever they expected of me. I would have never had the self-awareness to give up a trip, much less a relationship. I see this dream as indicating that I have come into my own. The next part is that I was completely comfortable with my studies and there was only a brief moment of panic and fear of inadequacy. My entire life I have had dreams about being unprepared for academics but that was a reflection of my actual life in which I was completely bound from being able to accomplish the work that interested me. As an adult I was diagnosed with ADD and that was an explanation but in the past year or so I realize that it has far more to do with the severe condemnation I lived with growing up. But in this dream that entire block was broken. The third significant aspect to this dream is the bathroom scene. For years and years and years I have had repetitive dreams about having to go to the bathroom and being in public and not being able to shut a door, not being able to have privacy. The implications are obvious ones of shame and humiliation. But in this dream when I fear that I am once again going to be exposed and shamed things suddenly and unexpectedly shift and I have complete privacy. The fourth aspect is that I am able to direct my attention to my scholastic interests. My entire life has been one of panic, anxiety and distractability - unable to finish the things I longed to accomplish, shrouded in shame and self hatred. None of that was in this dream - just the opposite. It was filled with resolution for all of the issues that have plagued me my entire life.
I thought when I woke up that I would be able to pop up and get to work. Not so but I could see that there is a secondary fear - the fear of what I have experienced for so many years, a fear of humiliation - not the shame itself but a fear of the shaming. But I recognize that I will be able to break this fear much more easily than I have broken any other darkness.
Simultaneously I have created in my mind a small group of three who are kind and compassionate and caring. I turn to them when fear and dark condemning thoughts or feelings emerge and they help me through it. I am going to concentrate on feeling their comfort and encouragement and use that to destroy this layer of fear.
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SS: I hope you yourself are part of the group of 3...
I have learned something important from your thread here. That is, the MOST important help, compassion, patience, wisdom & caring comes from our very own selves. With this kind of help, we can set an inner boundary with ourselves to turn toward healthy habits and can provide ourselves with ample encouragement, praise, rewards, comfort and peace, even in the face of old coping strategies, reflex emotions, and conditioned patterns - habits & routines.
Turning toward the positive requires a letting go of the old, too - that 2-lane road analogy I've used before. Letting go requires that we cease & desist from picking at the old wounds constantly. Of being totally focussed on those wounds; those feelings. Only we can let those old things go; only we can deprive those old feelings of "energy" and "attention". If we don't draw a line at some point - those old feelings will continue to steal time & energy... and we will remain locked in them. Admittedly - this may take some time put into practice... repetition.
Sometimes we will be challenged, seemingly beyond our ability to anything except fall back into old, self-defeating patterns - and it helps to solicit the support and encouragement of others at those times. Because what we are "growing" is our own ability to do this for ourselves... and that doesn't happen overnight. But we CAN take the energy that we've spent so lavishly on understanding and analyzing and healing the past... and devote that to the present and future - to that new growth, which can replace the old weeds that grew in that space, previously.
From the dream itself (before your interpretation) it seems clear that you're applying "fertilizer" to that growth - maybe unconsciously - and that the dream was a message to you - your conscious self - that the growth is happening quickly....
Much love to you. My own boundary with my own past is taking me on a new phase of my growth and journey and while I can't see what's around the bend - I don't fear it anymore... and I know that I'll be just fine... as fine as I know you are - right now - in the glow of the immense progress you're making.
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Hi PR,
Re your last post here. You are so right. We must practice not starting each new day with our past. Breaking that habit is a hard one, but to live to our fullest we have to let go of the habit. Letting go of the habit is different from forgetting our past. Who could forget? That's not the goal. The goal, I think is to learn not to dwell in it. I think the goal should be to harness the pain of our past in a way that allows us to visit it deliberately and for specific reasons. Reasons designed to help us tweak and enhance the remainder of our life in a positive way.
tt
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Yep, tt... one can never forget... and you know what they say about those who forget the lessons of history...
I'm just saying I've reached the point where the only thing that I can gain from a focus on all that past emotion/memory is simply more, continued agony... and that doing that - the habit of the focus - is actually getting in the way of making the changes I want/need to make now.
NO DOUBT I'll need to revisit some or all of this, at one time or another in the future... but it's not where I "live" now; it's not where I want to "live". So I have to carefully wrap it all in tissue and put the memory box somewhere safe... for safekeeping... so that I can do other things now.
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SS,
Just read your dream (haven't read the replys cuz I've got to go), but, your dream is very profound & healing. Please look up the online dream dictiinaries re: trains, toilets and all images & feelings.
I think this dream shows you have broken thru & arrived at a new level of healing/consciousness.
Toilets can represent us getting rid of our "crap" (notice the metaphor), mix that w/ your awareness of your shame/humiliation (the toilet is exposed - notice the metaphor); like you embrace & acknowledge your shame/humiliation. You own it; you own your own "crap", you know who you are, you know your issues. Excellent
There were toilets there but they were exposed to the open area. I felt the shame and exposure course through my body when someone pointed to a door behind me where there was a private bathroom.
You have boundaries: you can deal with your own "crap", and someone helps you to see you can handle your issues without being destroyed by feelings of vulnerability (when someone pointed to a door behind me where there was a private bathroom)
But in this dream when I fear that I am once again going to be exposed and shamed things suddenly and unexpectedly shift and I have complete privacy. You have good boundaries: You can feel both vulnerability and self protection: you can feel & do BOTH. You are balanced.
The guy in the boat (water image) & you realized you had to leave him behind. And all the other images & metaphors.
Notice also that you were able to handle the work.
My entire life I have had dreams about being unprepared for academics but that was a reflection of my actual life in which I was completely bound from being able to accomplish the work that interested me. This may be true, but, it still shows that you have suffered anxiety, whether or not you accomplished the work in real life.
This is the kind of dream I would analyze for years.
sorry for typos, gotta run.
Congrats on the dream-it's wonderful & deep,
love,
ann
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PR - I'm not part of the 3. My voice is not strong enough yet but I am getting encouragement to overwrite the hideous internalized condemning voice. When I read this: it seems clear that you're applying "fertilizer" to that growth I remembered another dream scene from last night or the night before. I was inside with a few people and there was a planter on the wall which contained a small vine. The vine began to grow right before our eyes, to grow and to bloom small blue flowers. It was such a marvel but the other people were completely unimpressed. But when I woke up I thought that perhaps it was because the growth was my growth and the others just didn't care because it didn't apply to them. Something is definitely shaking up in my unconscious and it is definitely positive.
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Thanks Ann - I have been ruminating over this dream all day. That I was able to let that guy go and not linger or feel frustrated or guilty is so amazing to me. It is an incredible sign of a change in my deep psyche and one that is most welcomed. My father made me so dependent that I felt I owe something to everyone and it almost destroyed me but it was a huge price to pay and suddenly I am breaking free. It is unbelievable. I am so thankful. Moving forward.
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PR - I'm not part of the 3. My voice is not strong enough yet but I am getting encouragement to overwrite the hideous internalized condemning voice. When I read this: it seems clear that you're applying "fertilizer" to that growth I remembered another dream scene from last night or the night before. I was inside with a few people and there was a planter on the wall which contained a small vine. The vine began to grow right before our eyes, to grow and to bloom small blue flowers. It was such a marvel but the other people were completely unimpressed. But when I woke up I thought that perhaps it was because the growth was my growth and the others just didn't care because it didn't apply to them. Something is definitely shaking up in my unconscious and it is definitely positive.
Maybe - it was the kind of growth they couldn't SEE... only you could see it.
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finding fear is impeding my healing. I am working on a way to "transcend" the fear and get to work. It is a method described by a psychiatrist for OCD patients.
I have compound layers of fear. Comes from constant criticism compounded with living into that criticism and internalizing that criticism. Part of the cement is that inbetween the layers of condemnation and failings were huge layers of hope so even hope is tainted with fear and failure and condemnation. That's why I have to rise above it. and function anyway.
The rising above is someting like what a person does in meditation. They can observe what they are doing, thinking, feeling and make objective thoughts about it.
That's all I am going to take time to write about this. I am learning that I need lots of encouragement and understanding. Sometimes I get that here and it is an incredible salve. Sometimes I don't and that is actually painful. But it is worth the risk because this is the only place I get the understanding and validation. I have spent my life searching for that and often getting lashed and destroyed in the search. - more fear.
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Whatever works... I'm sort of familiar with this technique, but hadn't associated it with overcoming fear.
I'll be interested to know what your experience of it is.
My biggest fear is of success - because that brought down the reflex humiliation, or diminishing/dismissing the success... or even claiming credit for my success. Failure and self-sabotage was my protection, my safety zone, armor and camoflauge...as painful as this is... the consequences of success were even worse.
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PR - I understand well the fear of success. I first was introduced to it almost 20 years ago. I came across a book called The Success Syndrome. It was written by a DC psychologist about the era of Michael Milliken and the majority of the book was about people who were successful but for whom success did not solve any of their needs. At the very end he wrote a brief chapter on self-sabotage and the fear of success. It resonated withme but I could not get at how I got there. I didn't let go and finally in the past couple of years I have discovered the sabotage that I experienced at my parents hands.
I got it on both ends - excoriating humiliation for failing or even making mistakes and sabotge and very, very subtle punishment and abandoment for success.
I have to rise above the emotional reaction to my situation. It is an ensconced pattern and I cannot continue in it.
I have this place in me that would like to give up and if I didn't have a child I would. This life is way to difficult. I know that success and achievement are possible. I can do it. It will not be easy but it will be better than what I have been living. My connections here give me the affirmation that I need to continue. Thank you so much for your encouraging post.
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You are most welcome to anything I have to give in the way of encouragement.
I dropped back in to say DUH about my last post...
I DO know the technique you described - in therapy, we called it the "Observing Ego". But in CBT - especially in quitting smoking, we call it separation. Separating the behavior from the emotion associated with it...
The reason I relapsed into smoking was the fear of success - and the fear of the usual consequences. But I was also trying to identify the actual feeling I had in that moment, when I decided to sneak that one cigarette in, that practically compelled me to smoke after 3-4 days of easy success. It seems like a bunch of feelings; none distinguishable except anguish... a tidal wave... that threatens to engulf me... wash "me" away...
and I finally nailed it down: that feeling was the almost total boundary violation of a magnitude that was enough for Twiggy to willingly go hide in my unconscious self. Where my SELF was totally violated by my mother's intent to control me, what I thought, what I felt, for her own convenience. That is the tidal wave that washed "me" away... that is the feeling that can only be calmed with smoking...
... until now. Naming it is power over it - even if it's only minimal and requiring practice to master it. Naming it also allows me to reframe those incidents that trigger that emotion... because I am totally aware that what happened when I was Twiggy can NEVER happen again. I can "defang" those trigger-incidents of their intensity and power... because the present situations are totally, completely different - as am I. And knowing this - I can separate my "observing ego" from the emotion - and make a rational decision about my behavior (not smoking)... and remind myself that I am a complete whole person now...
... so the type of situation I find myself in that reminds of the original ego-wound can be understand as a non-threat removing the intensity and duration of the tidal wave.
Thanks!! This unintentional reminder - your sharing your way of transcending fear - will help a LOT now, to maintain this current quit.
Bless you and I wish you ALL SUCCESS... I know you deserve it! :D
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PR you have described it perfectly. It is sort of a one-two punch. Identifying an original wound or a triggering factor and then separating the emotion from the behavior.
In that other thread I am trying to get at the trigger underlying the emotional reaction. With the mother I got it - it is her fearfulness that she then tries to put off on me. I feel powerful in that situation now because I know what happened. It was a replay with my mother. I have never seen that before. My mother would be fearful and react by shutting me down. She would say no to what ever I asked to do just to say no, because she could and that is what I re-experienced with that mother.
Mark on the other hand is another issue entirely - it has to do with authority and the BB/BS organization being the authority but not following through. It goes back to something I have experienced where I was put in the middle and lost. That is what it feels like again. I am fully aware that if I take myself out of the emotional place that I can handle it. Clearly - I can tell him that I need him to set up regular twice a month visits with a beginning and ending time and to keep his phone charged when he is with my son. I know that this week I felt sandwiched between needing to do this and feeling like he would back out and then being left with the fallout from my son. I know that I could not/did not confront him because I "knew" he would not/could not comply and then I would be left to clean up the mess. I was not emotionally able to deal with that. I still can't get to the source of that - here it is - my father would set me up in impossible situations. Someone would invite me somewhere and my father would put these conditions on it that would make it impossible to meet and yet I wanted to go and everyone else would be going and noone else would have these conditions and it was a nightmare situation. I now know that these conditions were simply done to make it impossible, to destroy me, to keep me from participating for no reason other than he could and then when I cried or became emotional THEN he had a reason to punish and humiliate me and belittle me. It was a set up for a cycle of rejection, humiliation, punishment and more rejection, abandoment and belittlement that would be repeated over and over and over again. I am seeing all of a sudden that this would transform into monetary issues later on. I am getting closer to this.
I am connecting to more of this issue - how he compltely controlled my every move and then suddenly without warning without words just completely abandoned me - but I never knew I was abandoned. I would be set up in a certain lifestyle and the the rug was pulled out from underneath me but I never knew it. I simply saw that I was suddenly not living like the friends I grew up with even those who had much less than I had had. But no words were ever exchanged - I was just completely abandoned - left out to dry. There was no explanation, no reasoning, no grounding. Just shaming. So at 29 I'm living in a tiny apartment in a bad marriage and my friends are in "grown up" houses filled with beautiful furnishings and I have furniture I bought at a Goodwill store. It was crazy making - I kept trying to live normally and not being able to afford it. I had a hard time getting jobs and when I would get a decent one my father once demanded that I go with my mother out of town. This turned out to be so that he could divorce her while she was gone and because I didn't have vacation time I had to quit. At that time I could not refuse my father, I was so under his control. The next jobs that I got were in decent organizations but were minimum wage jobs. Ludicrously I still did not realize that I was actually poor. I never had help getting a decent job to provide the kind of lifestyle I had grown up in. My father refused to help any of his children get work - he said that people shouldn't do that. Go figure. He had lots of connections at that time. Noone would help me. I fell into a great pit of shame and would try to get jobs but as I look back I can see that I had so much fear in the interviews that I was sort of begging to be hired - wonder why that didn't work. It is very, very painful to look back on this period or any period in the meanwhile. I have been in so much pain for so long. That is why the serapation is key for me especially on the financial issues. I see clearly how this will help me move forward. It is the replay of the pain that torments me and paralyzes me. This is the cycle that I have to break. I have been making progress in many ways and it has been leading up to this break but I am sure the separation thing is what I must do.
It is difficult to pop myself out of this pain. I so hate it. But I must do it. I must find a way to survive all of this stuff.
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oh..... SO CLOSE....
I do believe you're almost there. Yes, separate from the emotion that paralyzes you - and you will be free to think, assess, and see the things that pain blinds you with and to.... and even be compassionate toward yourself and be able to praise & reward yourself for each & every little step you make to improve your situation - to be happy and to grow. That will heal some of the original pain - repeat as needed!
Surviving is what you've done up till now... breaking through the last, you will begin to thrive!
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SS, Amber...these little things I'm noticing are primitive compared to the staggering dialogue you're having, but I really notice what I notice, some days...
it stilll strikes me as odd that it takes seeing myself as two people to do this - one as the observer and one as the child needing compassion. Who cares. The point is that providing that necessary compassion.
SS, I wonder if that has anything to do with something I've concluded...that Nmothers, or maybe Ns in general, are very threatened by their daughters' creativity? I'm not sure at all about this, because Nmom used to "praise" me voluninously...for piano, drawing, and LOOKING NICE. But at the same time, the praise felt smothering. "Oh come speak French for the ladies...oh doesn't she look like a young Jackie-O!" I felt like a mannequin. I would feel the opposite of creative, squelched and exploited (not that I knew these were the feelings then)...I remember it was as though she sucked out my imagination and borrowed it, to parade for the neighbors. It was not the same as respecting my creativity, in a weird way it was the opposite. It was vampirish. Errggh.
I digress. What I mean about creativity (in response to your quote above) is that I suddenly had the thought that the way your parents treated you would have just smashed imagination, because pure adrenalin from fear or pure steady heartbreak is such an enormous drain on a child's psyche that daydreaming, the core of imagination, is dangerous. If you're on high alert all the time, how could you develop the daydreaming capacity that literally loving your inner child in literal scenes requires?
(You have it now, in spades, I am certain. And always did. I think that's part of what's fomenting in you.)
For me, the first time I actually spoke, as in mentally/emotionally directed a comforting compassionate monologue, to my inner child, it was an act of imagination as much as compassion. I needed to visualize her so vividly and in such detail that I literally "saw" her. The sad eyes, the smooth skin, the dark hair, the utter sincerity and innocence of her face. Once I imagainatively SAW my little self, I did once have an amazing experience of embracing her and loving her, so clearly that I felt the weight of her 5 y/o arms around my neck. (I think I described it here.)
And Amber, your maturity as an artist is absolutely phenomenal to me.
Maybe when creativity/imagination are resented by Nparents, in their children, at some point in life, will explode with it.
love ya both,
Hops
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And how are you these days, Hops? Keeping busy?
I remember it was as though she sucked out my imagination and borrowed it, to parade for the neighbors. It was not the same as respecting my creativity, in a weird way it was the opposite. It was vampirish. Errggh.
PERFECT description, from my perspective! thanks for the kudos on the art... I'm about to show those last 3 pieces at a local upscale shopping mecca... show's in Oct - and I'll be safely out of the limelight at the beach. Sticking my toe in the water in a bigger pond than the university... for feedback... and I am able to sell at this show, which is conditioned on being accepted by the jury. (if I can just find those pictures to send...)
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That's exciting, Amber!
Remember no matter what "pond" you show your art in, it's all just water and a fish is just a fish. Even if it thinks it's a whale.
There's so much pomposity and posing attached to those who are drawn to art not for love of imagination or beauty, but for oneupsmanship, status, and a lot of subtle rituals of social power.
So I think you need only 4 steps about art
Your art is good.
You love doing it.
It is worth buying at a competitive price.
It may sell or not. That's weather, which is without meaning.
(repeat 1 through 4 whenver there's fear,
then return to step 2 as baseline.)
Thanks for asking about me.
I just finished the Medicaid application for my mother which I procrastinated so long I may lose a very big chunk of money I don't have, so that was difficult. Shame and anger at myself for not dealing with it properly. Embarrassment at my lawyer's irritation, and fear when my brother made a dramatic call to a neighbor: "My mother will be evicted from the nursing home!" (Not true, of course, but I could've avoided it by acting in time.) I was avoiding, denying, hiding, pretending I didn't have a brother. La la la. This pattern of sinking into fantasy to avoid the grownup paperwork of life is probably going to affect my future in a terrible way, if it hasn't already. (I'd say having nearly zip for retirement at age 58 is a pretty good indicator.)
But it's done now, turned in, and I await the outcome. I am more or less feeling good because I am not lying to myself, and I'm recognizing that accepting full responsibility for my behavior actually feels more liberating than throwing it off on being a victim. I have procrastinated and put off and played childishly with life through many years when the ants were saving and being sensible. I have been the grasshopper.
I think the same kinds of thoughts are helping me cope with the end of the "benefits" with the gardener. Realism, adulthood, both require that I remind myself that reality is my friend. It is a GOOD thing to know, so early that there's been no terrible damage, that he cannot do a relationship. It is a GIFT that he was honest and that he is my friend. It is a GIFT that I know that pulling back (not sending little hopeful messages, for example, which I finally stopped doing) is a matter of dignity and self-love, not punishment.
All in all, I'm feeling oddly good for a time during which I have faced a lot of failure.
Failure's not an enemy, I think. I've often been confused about that.
love to you,
Hops