Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival => Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board => Topic started by: Lupita on August 08, 2008, 09:52:50 AM
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Some board members have asked me to share my discoverings from this visit from my mother and from my seven session with a therapist ofr the first time in my life.
My T is not my T anymore. I start working this MOnday and she is not available evenings. So I have to find another one but since I am going to have insurance now my possibilities are better now.
My discovering. I found out that when I punish her for her behavior, she backs of. She stops attacking me and she starts treating me in a more human and nice way. I did not know that for 50 years. I was so hungry of love and so needy of her that I never imagined that she would back of. I explained that to the T and she said that I established boundaries, and that I offer consequences and I follow through. And when she realized that she was going to lose privileges she behaves better. I told her many times, I am not your mother, do not ask me. I never imagined. Well, now I know what boundaries are. I had no idea that is to enforce boundaries. I learned after 50 years of life. Something I should have learned in kinder garden.
I told her, if my son gets mad at me because of your actions you will pay. And she provoked me in front of my son and I bite the bait and after that I did not talk to her for 24 hours. She hates when she does not have somebody giving her attention.
I have asked in the board so many times about boundaries, and do not understand the answers, read a lot and do not understand or have no idea what is it. Well my T translated to me what I did. It was enforcing boundaries.
Now, I will start with other people too. With dance partners, with friends, with everybody.
For ten years she has visited me once a year and she complains because I let her cook, I used to le her cook, and let her be the queen of my kitchen. She complained and made me feel guilty. This time I did not let her, I did everything my self and she complained that I did not let her. After two weeks I allowed her to wash dishes, she is so happy washing the dishes, like a little child with finally a little power in the kitchen. I made my self unavailable by taking pills to sleep and she had nobody to talk to and she hates that, and she behaved better after that. I did not take her out for two days and she behaved better after that. It is a constant struggle but it is worth it.
She does not love me the way I would like but she has to love me a little, she cant love anybody. I have to come to peace that I do not have what others had for a family and be content with what I have no matter what.
I will not go NC, I have to stay in contact with her, she is my mother and gave me birth. But I will keep her at a distance. I have to do that. Emotional and geographical distance. Most of it, emotional. Whatever she does should not affect me. I have to detach.
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That is just huge, Lupita.
Recognition, "experienced recognition" of what boundaries are!
No wonder this visit is going so much better.
I am SO impressed!
love,
Hops
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Lupita - understanding boundaries is a HUGE step! And it's part of the bricks you need - the foundation - to build a new, completely free you...
Congratulations!
ps - no matter WHAT I'm working through, it seems like somewhere in that process or memory... there was a problem with a boundary - it's like DNA for relationships... if one small gene is missing...or out of "order"...
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Dear Lupita
I am so,so impressed with your wisdom. You have learned through pain the lesson of beating s/one down with a stick. It is really sad when you have to do it to your own M.
I did it with my M, F and H. I am willing to fight if I have to. You have to ,at times, and that is the truth
You are doing great! Ami
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She is gone. I am very depressed. Do not know if becuase I know I was mean to her, or I feel guilty, or I miss her, or I am sad because I do not haev what I wish I had, or because she is not what I would want her to be, or a combination of all of the above. I feel very lonely.
Conciously I know that she provokes me in front of people so I react and I look bad. That is mean and not good from a mother. I feel sad, abandoned and motherless.
I guess it will feel better tomorrow.
:(
Thank you for your responses and your kind words. I needed them.
:( :( :( :( :(