Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival => Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board => Topic started by: Juno on August 10, 2008, 12:03:50 PM
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About six weeks ago I called my workplace's Employee Assistance Program and requested counseling for my depression. Nothing particularly big had happened to motivate me. Just over a period of some weeks I had slowly come to accept that I wasn't getting better and had run out of ideas to try. I had run out of emotions. I had thought about the same things over and over again for long enough. I had all the classic symptoms of depression. Every time the Cymbalta commercial came on TV, that was me in the couch in the dingy sweatshirt with messy hair. Head in hands. Vacant eyes. I could "perform" at work out of habit. But at home I was basically useless.
So, I have finished week five of Cymbalta (a test run of free samples given me by my doctor) and have been back to the doctor for a follow up. She gave me a three month prescription and another appointment in October for a complete work up and re-reevaluation of the Cymbalta.
My second counseling appointment is tomorrow.
I feel better. Much, much less anxiety. More energy. Stomach feels better. I think I look better. And what I mean by that is--I look the same but I like more of what I see.
I feel less panicky. More willing to do things. Less hard on myself for not meeting arbitrary goals.
The doctor asked me if the house looked better. I said, well..... the yard looks better, I've felt like gardening.
I haven't put this much effort into my gardens in a few years. They have a ways to go but that doesn't feel discouraging at all. It does feel kind of funny to want to go out there and weed. To have something of a plan to bring them up to par. It has been a long time since I have felt that way!
Sleeping has improved somewhat. It is easier to get myself out of bed at the various times I need to wake up each day. And I'm dreaming again.
I'm starting to overcome my disdain and contempt for a particular co-worker. I still don't like her or trust her and have no interest in being friends on any level. But it seems I'm setting up good boundaries and being triggered hardly at all. Dwelling on it less. Wow, does that take away a decent amount of stress.
For a couple of weeks I had been obsessing about my next counseling session. What would I talk about that would make a difference? That wouldn't make her think I was an idiot and therefore not be able to form a good working relationship with me? Where would I start? At the beginning? Or work backwards? Talk about the death of my father which triggered my most serious depression? Talk about the crushes? I couldn't decide.
Now my appointment is just about here and I feel hardly worried about it at all. It doesn't seem so all or nothing to me.
Today I have a social activity. I'm actually looking forward to it. Boy, if I can really become a relaxed person, people might start to feel more comfortable with me.
Now I can look back and see just how serious the depression became. And for how long I have been depressed. Much, much longer than I realized. I have to question a lot of things now.
I think that if I can continue to not be triggered by people, that might be the thing that frees me the most. And being rid of the anxiety. Anxiety has been with me for most of my life and I didn't think of it that way. I just thought I was always under stress. You know, things from the outside. And there was that. But at the same time, the anxiety was lurking just below the surface. Something from the inside.
I've been checking in here every day but only posting a tiny bit. I've read several recent threads which show a great deal of growth has been occurring among us. I hope that's what's in store for me too.
Also seeing several people here reaching out even though they probably feel vulnerable. I finally had to reach out too and it looks like it was the right time to do such a thing. I think it's going to work.
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I'm so thankful for your improvements. Having suffered so much depression for somany years I know all to welll how debilitating it can be. So I am very happy that you have made significant progress. Thanks for sharing it here.
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Wow Juno/PP
Maybe you could do a commercial for Cymbalta (well if you can scrunch your post to 30 seconds, maybe 60)
That is great sounding news. Life is so much better, relaxed and worry-free. Worry-free from what others think, because we are all entitled to our own ways in what we say and do ( in nice ways, of course.) Prescriptions can be pricey, so get all the samples you can. Whatever though, as long as you need them, use them and the time might come to lessen your dosage, or you could be on for the rest of your life. I am on forever, and will take a supply into the afterlife, depending on if someone is there who drives me nuts, and always did, here on earth. One of mine is still under patent, so not covered by my plan and costs me $170.48/mo. When the patent expires, a generic one can be made and will likely be covered. Meanwhile.............
There are so many people on anti-depressants and in therapy. Both are booming businesses because the world and people have just gone crazy.
Hang in there. You are doing great!
Best
Izzy
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Juno-I guess we are the cymbalta twins. It makes me tolerate my mom but I do not like this nagging feeling of discontent. It is no longer depression but it seems flat to me. My emotions are not down or up-do not like the bla feeling. Do you feel this way?
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SS--I think it is hard for people who haven't had serious depression to understand how it can be such a disability. I get angry when I hear people or the media complain about how many people take anti-depressants. Like it is just a fix-all and they are too weak to pull themselves up on their own. This illness was taking away my life. And the medicine isn't a quick fix. It is what will allow me to do the hard work of understanding and healing and growing. I tried it without help and it wasn't working. I was getting worse. It's good to have people here who understand.
Izzy--I agree that I am not worrying about what other people think now. That is a huge relief. It was quite a burden all my life worrying about such things. My worry kept people away I think. I'm sure I have seemed worried and uptight and nobody wants to deal with that. I expect I will be on some kind of medication for a very, very long time. I hope it is affordable. Tomorrow I will go and get my first month filled. We have good insurance but not sure how good. I was on Prozac over ten years ago and stopped because of the expense. But then I ended up quitting my job and having budget problems that way. So, this time I think I can't afford to go off it.
OC--What was happening with me was my emotions had become flat except for the anxiety. I had no enthusiasm for anything. No joy. No sadness. Couldn't cry. I still don't feel like crying. But I feel satisfaction and some enthusiasm now. The anxiety is mostly gone or at a very low manageable level. I feel a little more playful. I don't really feel joy, but hopefully that will come after I make some progress with the counseling.
I kind of don't trust my emotions yet. Before when I felt strongly about something--now I'm wondering if my feelings were accurate. Anxiety was always in the mix. And when I was so unbelievably happy in 2002 because of that crush--well, now I think that was artificial. That I was addicted and it was a mask for depression all along. I think what is going to happen, just a guess at this point, is that I will be discovering and learning about what my real emotions feel like. I have some anticipation about that but also some patience. This just feels like a quiet time. It doesn't feel flat to me now because that is how I felt before.
Maybe this time period feels flat to you because of what came before. I think I may have waited almost too long to go on medication. I had gone beyond the anger and frustration and desire to make my life different and had almost given up. I was spending much of my spare time in bed. You went from the anger and frustration to medication. More of a contrast. Or maybe a different pill would work better for you.
I feel like I am at the beginning of better times. They might be quieter but I think they will be realer. It sure can't be any worse than how I was feeling before. That was kind of scary it felt so empty and hopeless.
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Juno,
I really hope both your therapist and your doctor understand the need for you to continue with the medicine. I think some of us just need it. I can totally relate to the panic (I felt like there was a faceless monster at my back, invisible and chasing me through all my obligations). I was unable to appreciate even the sweetest moment. And I loved the feeling of beginning to calm down and understand that my life was not going to be of outlandish concern to anyone... that I could relax and just be a person who needed some help - like a billion other people out there. If you had a disease, you wouldn't hesitate to ask for help. Thankfully, people are starting to realize depression is like a disease. It needs treatment.
I am so glad to hear you coming back (and maybe going beyond where you have ever been). You are a fabulous person, and now even you will be able to see it.
Love, Beth
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Thanks, Beth. I feel very supported!
My counseling appointment went well today. I think she is going to be very helpful. There are so many things to work on. A little at a time. No pressure.
It's interesting you mentioned about the doctor and therapist understanding my need to stay on the medicine--what about the insurance company??? It never occurred to me they might have something to say about it. When I went to fill my prescription a little while ago, the pharmacist was told that they needed prior approval from Blue Cross before filling it. So, he called my doctor and they are working on their end of it.
So, I went to the doctor as I had run out of samples. They gave me another month of it. I asked if this was common for the ins. company to do as it had never happened to me before. She said yes, it happens all the time. And they might not even agree to cover Cymbalta. If that happens, they will call the ins. co. and ask, What WILL they cover?!?!?
Isn't that something? Insurance companies are even more powerful than I realized.
I hope they just go along with what I am already on.
Anyway..... I feel very hopeful. It seems like I have found a counselor who I can work well with. And my doctor and her staff have been very nice and helpful--my worries ahead of time were for nothing.
I feel like I have turned a corner.
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Juno - what you've said about the insurance company is sadly too prevalent in our health care system.
In effect, they're limiting what treatment your doctors may order - practicing medicine without a license, is more accurate, in my opinion. Some people don't tolerate generics or substitutions for certain drugs, well.
I'm glad to hear you're doing better! My fingers are crossed that the insurance company approves...
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Yeah, PR, when the nurse told me that--I said, so doctors can't even make their own decisions???? All that knowledge doctors have (and they know us personally) and then some adjuster in Chicago has the power to say what medicine I can really use. Just not logical.
LOL. I must quit trying to make sense of the world!!!!!
Thank you for your support, PR. This is the most hopeful I've felt in a long time.
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((((((((PP)))))))) :D
Biggest grins I've had all day, just reading you here.
I can't say it any better than Beth: You are a fabulous person, and now even you will be able to see it.
EXACTLY!!
God is blessing and keeping you : )
With love,
Carolyn
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Thank you, Carolyn! It sure will be different for me to like who I see in the mirror. A long time coming.
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Juno,
It is so wonderful to hear you write that you are doing so much better. That's great!!
Just wanted to encourage you to keep up the good work. Depression is very difficult but anti-depressants can really help. However, as you've indicated, they're not the entire answer.
So glad for you.
LilyCat
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Thank you, LC!
Yes, medication is just part of it--not even half of it. I think the counseling is going to have to be somewhat long-term--got my fingers crossed on insurance coverage, etc.
My first appointment with the counselor was about 6 weeks ago. I was a wreck! It seems like on some level I have decided not to fall back on my usual over-achiever act in this situation. Just walking into her office brought out a mild panic attack. Then I couldn't get started with what I wanted to say because I was overwhelmed and couldn't decide where to start. I told her I had thought she would ask me questions! I was all over the place and had a hard time even looking at her because she resembles an old N boss who still gives me anxiety.
Somehow or other my defenses don't really work in her office! When I'm at home in my comfort zone or at work on automatic pilot I can wonder--what ever will I talk about there? I feel okay--maybe I have resolved things afterall!
Then I'm sitting in there and I spill it! Yesterday was my second appointment. She started out with more structure this time. Explained more of what to expect with the Cymbalta, and asked specifics about how I was doing on the meds.
I was more coherent this week but, once again, once I got started, all kinds of stuff came out and I found myself crying over things from 30 years ago--things that I thought I was kind of okay with. But also things I hadn't really cried about back when it happened. Apparently I can just simmer along most of the time with this stuff pushed way, way back into some forgotten cupboard that is stuck shut. Then in the privacy of that little office of hers, the door comes loose and everything falls off the shelves. Like a tiny little earthquake in my brain.
She has picked up already on my trouble with limits and boundaries. She advised me on how to slow down and calm myself and not feel rushed to get everything out all at once. To take my time.
I think she is interested in my story, which helps. Also, she has been doing this for twenty years. I said to her at the end, how long have you been doing this? I presume you have had a normal life, and she kind of smiled at that one, and I said it was easier to talk about these things with an experienced person who I didn't have to explain so much to. She replied that she has heard many women's stories.
I said at one point that I hoped to get rid of certain parts of me and she said some of it might be good to keep, that it might serve an important purpose. I never thought of it that way.
There is some potential here to learn some new stuff.
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Blue Cross's policy regarding Cymbalta:
They won't pay for Cymbalta until I have tried and failed with or had a bad reaction to at least two of the "First Line" generics. They then listed about six examples of "First Line" generics.
So, I called my doctor's office and they hadn't heard back yet--I received a letter in today's mail so that is how I found out. We are going to try sertraline which is Zoloft. I looked it up and it covers depression, panic attacks, OCD and PTSD. Hopefully, it will work as well as or even better than the Cymbalta.
This is the kind of thing that normally would make me furious and upset because of the phone calls back and forth, change of plans, etc. Now I just figure, I'll go to the pharmacy tomorrow and pick it up and try it. Baby steps.
Has anyone here been on Zoloft or sertraline? Any pointers? Similarity to Cymbalta?
And on a side-note: On Monday I had mentioned to my counselor that my father had diagnosed himself with Aspergers just before he died. Yesterday I got out the book he had been reading when he came up with that idea. There is a four part test in the back of the book and he had taken it and added up his scores. I had not looked at it until yesterday.
His scores were typical for Aspergers in all four categories. That kind of blew me away when I saw that. I wouldn't listen to him at the time and didn't really want to talk about it with him.
It's funny but he was only relieved when he learned about this. It took a large burden off his mind to find this out about himself. It explained everything about his life and it gave him some peace.
And it sure explains a lot about my FOO and my life, too. This is the parent I had the most genuine bond with.
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Hi Juno,
Just wanted to say how glad I am for you that you're progressing, and thanks for giving an update.
It felt good just reading about your therapist, that she is interested in your story. It be comforting to have somone say to take your time, especially when there's so much to talk about.
I'm glad you've got a place where everything can fall off the shelves in safety.
Good luck with the Zoloft. Don't get me started about insurance companies, but yes, you are right. It could work just as well for you- and I like what you said-even better than Cymbalta.
cats paw
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Thank you cats paw. I am so relieved that I have a therapist who is a good fit. I was very worried about that. My history along those lines is real spotty. Usually something goes wrong pretty quickly and I break it off right away. One time I had someone very, very good. She was a nun who was a social worker for Catholic Charities. At the worst possible time, the diocese reassigned her. Her replacement was young and just out of school. Definitely not enough experience to deal with ME!!! I think I only saw her once. It sure isn't easy.
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Can you imagine the confusion and despair he must have felt all of his life--knowing that something was wrong, but he didnt know what it was?
It was very, very rare for him to actually express what he was thinking or feeling, but I do know that he wanted to spare my sister and me from going through what he did or from turning out like him. So, he obviously didn't think he "turned out well".
He tried to solve all problems with logic and scientific means--typical for Aspergers from what I've read. I believe he must have thought all his life that he just wasn't figuring it out right or trying hard enough. So, it was his fault. When he found out it was actually just the way his brain is wired--I think that helped him to let himself off the hook. Maybe he could like himself a little better or forgive himself because he really couldn't help it.
I think he knew all his life that he wasn't like other people. It was painful for him. But he truly enjoyed his hobbies and coming up with ideas and working on things. I'm not so sure "connecting" was a consuming priority for him.
If I understand it right, Aspergers is neurological. I don't think it is in the same category as personality disorders. It is definitely not an easy thing since they have so much trouble getting along. My father kind of hid it. He seemed to know what would annoy people and he didn't do those things. Had no desire to antagonize people. So, he came off as very quiet and reserved. He didn't bother to join things. He didn't chit chat. He liked being helpful and making a positive difference.
Maybe this is more on the positive side than it should be. I guess I have resolved some of what it has meant to be my father's daughter. The rest I will have to work on with the therapist. I don't hold it against him, I guess is what I'm getting at.
With Ns, I think their knowlege of themselves is buried so deeply that all it can do is out itself in all their negativity and projections. And that works so well for them, why bother to explore and change?
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Juno,
I am having issues with my THYROID medication and insurance now... hello? Life and death??????
I think it shows a lot about your dad that he took the test. He knew he was different in some way. He was willing to look at himself critically. That, to me, means he was an honest man. I value honesty above all. Maybe he left the quiz for you to find. Maybe he wanted to make sure you knew when you were able to digest it.
You are sounding really good :)
Love, Beth
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Beth, I'm feeling pretty good! Of course, I'm on vacation this week which is always better than work--but this is the best vacation I've had in quite some time--and we didn't really do anything special. Just things we wanted to do around the house and near to home. I feel pretty relaxed for the first time in forever.
So, you've been on thyroid medication for a long time--why are they balking at covering it NOW???? These companies are far too powerful and far too greedy--just my opinion. But these are people's lives we're talking about here. I just don't understand it. A friend of mine used to work for Aetna. Her job at one point was to decide which prosthetic devices they would cover or not. Fake limbs and such. She had, and has, absolutely no medical training, schooling or experience. She is an accountant. That's just upside down.
It's funny about that test. I've had that book on my shelves since my father died. All this time I ignored that test at the back of the book. Obviously he had taken it because of all the circles. But it never occurred to me until the other day to compare his scores to the explanations. He also highlighted extensively one other section of the book. I guess that is the next thing for me to check out.
I did buy and read two other books about the subject a year ago or so. One was written by the mother of a family with two autistic sons and one normal son. The other was written by a teenage boy who has Aspergers. This is clearly a genetic thing. You don't have a family where one person is Autistic or has Aspergers and every other family member and relative is 100% normal neurologically. You can look around at nearly everybody in the family, including oneself, and see echoes of a mind set or certain problem areas socially or emotionally.
Last October we went to visit our son in NYC. I was shocked to suddenly be able to see so many of my father's mannerisms come out in C. Amazingly similar approach to life. I can't really properly describe it. It's not like I'm reading his mind or know what he thinks. Not at all. Basically I have misunderstood this kid all his life. Took things personally that had nothing to do with me at all. I would not necessarily say he is also Aspergers. But there is something there that he has in common with his grandfather. And it explains so much about our relationship. It actually gave me a direction to go in with him. Still very much a work in progress. But very hopeful.
Boy, when I'm back in business--I sure can go on....