Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival => Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board => Topic started by: Hopalong on August 13, 2008, 12:37:49 AM
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My brother has sent a document (8 pages) accusing me of fraud, elder abuse, etc.
It is a twisted chaotic list of lies, distortions, partial truths and slander. Horrifying.
My lawyer has gone limp. I will hire another if need be, taking out a loan I can't afford.
This is where the payback comes.
I said NO to my brother (when he demanded to be put on mother's account) and I said, Stop bullying me, those days are over.
So he is now conducting an enraged and RELENTLESS campaign, and has threatened me with criminial prosecution if I don't give him the key to the house, abandon the POA, let him take over everything. He has been busy whispering to neighbors, planting seeds of doubt at the nursing home, going after me, says he hired a detective. I have no idea which are lies and which are true. But I think I'm going to find out.
He will not prevail, I hope, as his "evidence" is trumped up. But he is terrorizing me and turning my life upside down.
Please send prayers, good wishes, vibes, any good thoughts from any source.
Love you all and miss you,
Hops
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Sending prayers, good wishes, vibes and good thoughts from all my being.
I am horrified that you are going through this. I especially pray that you are able to withstand the assault on your psyche and will keep you surrounded in protection. Sending you strength to not be beaten down by his abuse. Sending you shields to ward off the attacks so that they do not penetrate your heart or create fear in you.
You deserve a competent and caring attorney. What has happened to him/her? Did they quit helping? How about going to the law school and get help from some top students interested in this field? Hope you get the best help and at a small charge.
What is the state of your mother's health?
Will send this sheild of protection for days to come.
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OH Dear Hops,
This is so awful from your own brother. Have you expected something of this sort?
He is going all out I gather.
NOW--
What is your first step? ....and from there....?
My sympathies
Izzy
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I am so sorry, Hops. It sounds like a story out of a nightmare. I know that you just wanted a little peace and a little space that was yours. it is a cruel twist of fate that this is being denied you, when it is such a simple need. I am so very sorry. Ami
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Oh Hops! I truly wish I'd taken my soc prof's advice and become a lawyer! I'd be there in a heartbeat to stand up next to you, and calmly show how malicious and without basis in reality his accusations are... and ask for slander or libel damages from your brother.
It hurts me to see him upping the charges & demands against you... but when all is said and done, I still believe that justice will prevail (maybe that's naive... but STILL - I know how untrue and unfair it is, that you would be put in this position to have to defend yourself... I can only hope that the system WORKS). He must be losing hope and getting desperate.
I am lighting a fire for you, Hops... to guard against marauding wolves, to warm you against the chill, to provide light in the darkness.
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Hops,
I am so sorry. This is just awful. Abominable!!! I will certainly keep you in my prayers. He sounds like a real maniac. But take heart: as my mother always said (to say nothing of Shakespeare), "Murder will out."
If this lawyer won't help you, find someone else. There's no excuse.
Hugs and kisses,
LilyCat
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((((((((((Hops)))))))))) he really is a classic, textbook case of pathology.
Knowing that this was bound to be his next move, I'm glad he's gotten it over with and spewed this out.
All of his malignant bluster is nothing but toxic vapor. Like NPD-ex, he may think that he can create his own reality,
but convincing the state to bring criminal charges would require alot more than his stinky hot air.
I am praying for justice... and peace which cannot be shaken.
With love,
Carolyn
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Oh ((((((((((Hops))))))))),
I truly wish I could sick my dogs on him!! (And I'm not usually prone to revengeful thoughts......usually).
He is a piece of work!!
I will keep you in my prayers (and him too.....that he stop this nonsense).
Sending you strength and courage and clear vision and hope and many warm hugs.
Isn't greed incredible?
Sela
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Hops,
I wish things weren't so hard for you. One of the hardest things to reconcile is that meanness is all around us and that sometimes it's directed at us even though we've not done anything to deserve it. This will all pass and you are going to be just fine. Try to keep your wits. It's a tough place to be.
Greed is at the root of all evil. It's an ugly thing.
Hugs,
tt
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Praying for you and sending all positive energy.
The truth will prevail!!!!!!!!!
God bless you!
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Hey Hops,
OMG what an Ass....Listen my husbands mother left him out of her will.. Yes..out.. and told him he was to get half and his sister get half... she was afraid...to rock any boat..my husband found out when his mother died...the easiest way for her to let him know...and well ..he went to challenge the will and they told him he ....to prove...that his mother was bullied....and he cannot....he needs people who seen this...and there was no one... so he swallowed it....and it would cost him between 7,000 and 9,000 and would probably lose....Can your brother afford to lose this money because he wants to bully you...and if he took over your mothers...affairs... then what... does he think he can change her will? He cannot... She was in right mind when she made it....
Don't worry so much what he can do... he is being a total ass.....and a control freak.. so was my H's sister but she had the will signed sealed and delivered while her M was alive....and she (the sister) controlled it all...even took the mothers check books so she had to ask for her own check to make sure she was not giving her son (my h anything)....
And the Grand daughter lived in the mothers house..rent free...60,oooo of what the mother paid on the mortgage for all these years...and they set it up....His sister so that my H got nothing..Nada..Her and the Grandchild(her daugther) got it all...
He can lie all he wants.. he has to prove it....and he can't ...
You did nothing abusive....nothing wrong...no intent to harm anyone, anything.....that is his intentions....
And yes greed is a horrible thing. I hope they can sleep at nights....and you know what ... they can..
He's a big bad mean Bully,,, Private Det?.... Laugh your butt off Hops....how silly of him....
Who sent the letter to your attorney...Him.. or his attorney?.....or did he sent it to you...
Love
Deb
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Oh, Hops,
I am so sorry you need to go through all of this. I hope the attorney will keep in mind that YOU have been the one to take care of your mom. It seems so unjust that you have done what is right, in spite of what would have been easiest (and maybe healthiest) for you all this time and now you are being punished for it.
I am sending tons of prayers and good wishes and love.
Beth
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Hops,
This strikes some personal nerves for me due to some aggravations regarding my mom's estate. BIOBAGBROTHER shall henceforth
come to my mind as BioBag, with all the various meanings the words might convey.
Adding a cord of wood to the fire PR has started....
cats paw
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Any news, Hops? How are you holding up? Staying strong and hopeful, I trust!
Beth makes a very, very good point about the fact YOU have spent (how many??) years caring for your mom... while brother - couldn't? wouldn't? ... and now wants to accuse, interfere, and judge you??? After how many years?
I see the premise for a very solid case to dismiss. In the eyes of any reasonable judge, your brother simply hasn't invested as much as you have - and therefore doesn't have nearly the legal "interest" in the situation that he is now claiming. (Changing - what do you think??)
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((((Hopsy))))
After all he's done....
it's still shocking when he continues this behavior.
Even though you know it's coming.
I'm so sorry you're going through this.
Go NC, as much as you can.
Continue to love and care for your mama.....
this won't last forever.
Light
ps Good luck finding a new attorney.
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Well Hops, we are all here praying for you and you have not updated us.
How is everything going?
Are you OK?
Let us know.
The truth will prevail.
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It hurts me to see him try to demean you so.
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Hops: Can you call your brother and calmly ask to talk without lawyers? Maybe you could come to some kind of agreement? Maybe the fact that you defied him made him attack you. Maybe he truly feels you are not doing the best job? Maybe he is just an ass........in any event, better to be on good terms when your mom finally passes than to have a war after........
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Hi Kel...
Nah, I'm past wanting to speak to him (or see him ever again). I'll forgive him at some point and as we get older maybe take pity.
But I cared for both our parents for years and mom for 10 to my detriment, and he's used my weaknesses (legion, but not wicked) to try to tear my life apart.
I think he's beyond "ass". He's half crazy. A sociopathic malignant narcissist bully.
He did go to the prosecutor's office today and they made him go see his lawyer, who told my lawyer that he was "trying to regain control of his client". My brother is paranoid. He is a pitiable person, but he has caused so much damage. I do feel very badly for his wife and my niece and nephews...
But I never want to see him again, really. He stole from me, lied to me, I forgave all that...but when he talked to about 12 people telling them I had abused my mother -- he went too far. (He also went after my daughter, in a way.)
He's done enough.
And thanks, everyone, for caring. I really felt it and it really heartened me. I just am so weary I don't think I can give you the blow by blow. For now, anyway, things appear to be postponed again. So he's caused enormous chaos and tumult and pain and nothing's been accomplished.
I think he'll leave me alone for a while. Until he can't stand it any more. Ugh. (But the lawyers are all on to him. And I made a police report. So I don't think he can cause me as much harm as he'd like to.)
love
Hops
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Hiya hops
So I don't think he can cause me as much harm as he'd like to.[/size]
That is very good to hear because no one ought be able to wreak such havoc on a human being and come out smelling like a rose.
He has gone too far and judges and lawyers will know it.
Just sit quietly by as it slows down to a d u l l r o a r.
The thing is that"WE" know and we know that a highter power knows, so we wait.......
Love
Izzy
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(((Hops)))
I hope you're still finding comfort in your garden.
Light
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Thank you so much again, everybody.
I fear leaving someone out but I am very touched by each of your voices -- so much compassion and heart and comfort.
AMAZONS again!
I do feel better. My lawyer literally was laughing about my brother at one point. Sad, but he was perceiving the puffed-up ridiculousness. The other night when I was walking my dog around the block my brother came up behind us in his big black truck...I don't think he expected to see us out, and he suddenly sped past and ran a stop sign in his eagerness to get away.
I actually feel sorry for him in his paranoia.
Greed IS ugly. But I have to say I'm not immune. My Nmother toyed with me about the house for so many years, using it as power just as I felt most vulnerable, laid off, struggling to find a decent job, living in her very very expensive little town, and she always saying, oh you'll be fine...and I know the truth is I have felt greed too.
There's been no moral perfection in me. I have felt hatred for my mother and I was furious with her for toying with me about whether I'd be able to stay here. Finally, she tired of the game...but not before one last round.
Bottom line is, I can probably hang on here. But she made it so much harder than it needed to be. And she gaslighted and triangulated and potstirred to a point that at times I felt with her on one side and my brother lurking on the other...I'd never survive being her caregiver.
As weird and hard as all this has been, I do see a light at the end of the tunnel.
And Tuesday, our interim minister moves in to the lower part of the house. It will be comforting to have kind people downstairs. And not bother me a bit.
At some point, my brother will have to go away and attend to his own life in Chicago. I don't know if he's in town now. He may be for another few days, but I'll never know...
One thing. He'll have to come back in December for the new hearing or he's going to be out of luck, I think.
The saddest thing is what this has done to his own family -- his wife and daughter have to put up with his ranting and I know it's been terrible for them. I remember when my D was very small, one time my SIL called me in tears and said she'd discovered my brother had been sleeping with prostitutes while he was on the road and going to topless bars and she was devastated and asked me what she should do.
I said, LEAVE HIM, Sally. And she coudln't, because she felt she'd be betraying her religion.
I am very sorry for them.
love
Hops
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I'm so glad to hear you'll have a stable source of support (emotional and financial) sharing your home.
It concerns me that your brother's lurking in your area, driving erratically and becoming less stable.
That any involved laughs at this behavior, is upsetting.
(((Hops)))
Lighter
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There's been no moral perfection in me. I have felt hatred for my mother and I was furious with her for toying with me about whether I'd be able to stay here.
I love this quote from you. I read something similar recently. I feel the same way. Had a big fight with my NM yesterday on the phone and I finally am able to just let it fly in the face of her cruelty and N-ism. I don't care anymore. I have to face the fact that her N-ism is getting more pronounced as progressive dementia sets in.
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Got the missive from his lawyer today, and the hearing is set for Dec. 5th.
I will finish rebuttal of his poison "document" and keep on plugging.
I did something unplanned today and had a panic attack when I got home.
I don't know why, but when my mother and I were sitting in the private courtyard, I told her what had been happening.
She didn't get terribly upset but was obviously distressed. And she said very supportive things and it felt like validation. She knew ... on some level, she always knew. And she said, would you like me to speak to your lawyer? I was touched but also felt like a jerk for telling her. So I came home and had chest pain because I felt guilty.
Still, she was calm about it and told me how sorry she was, and that he'd always been troubled, and, "You just don't DO that to your sister!" In an odd way I was comforted, because I felt she was showing me a little love.
The minister has moved in downstairs and it's comforting to glance down the hall and see him pecking away at a sermon. I'm careful not to disturb him and am intentionally keeping boundaries, I don't wish to burden him. But I'm so glad he's staying here. His wife, a retired hospice nurse, joins him next week.
And my old pooch is delighted to have the company, and they like dogs. They are my guests now, until all this house stuff is resolved (it can't be a money earning property). But I told him they can give me a $20 now and then toward utilities.
My brother may not like it, but there's no law that I can't have guests in my home.
Oy. I am drained. But one day at a time.
It's as hard as going through divorce. In a way, worse...because he is malevolent. Neither husband wanted to harm me when we broke up. But he clearly does.
Ugh. Pray or semaphore for me, and ifyou keep a calendar, please put Hops in court on Dec. 5.
I feel I haven't been good support for anybody here for weeks, and I'm sorry. I promise I will again when I find my footing.
Meanwhile, gratefully, with love,
Hops
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I am glad for you for so many things. don't worry about being there for people here right now. You need to draw in close and be there fore yourself. I have often cycled in and out of being in need of help and being able to help. We can't be in both places at once. That is one of the great values of this place to me - that I can receive when i need and give when I have something to give. Now is a receiving time for you so take in what we have to give and you will be renewed and have plenty to give at another time.
Whatever I can offer to relieve you of your guilt concerning your conversation with your mother I give. You were right to share that with her and she was right to actually offer comfort. Let it soak in to your bones. She is old and infirm but she is now and always has been your mother and she has offered too little mothering across the years. She was a true mother today - and when you deeply needed it. Take it in. Let her be your mother at long, long last. You deserve it and she deserves to be a mother - for a moment - no matter how late in life.
my heart and my thoughts are with you. Dec 5 is on my calendar. I won't forget because it is just days before my little boy's birthday. I am holding out and believing that the results will be a true Christmas gift for you. Sending love and good will and courage to you.
(btw what is semaphore?)
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((( Hops )))
Sincerely sorry to know the latest regarding he who shall not be named.
Please know that you are in my thoughts, and my prayers.
Love,
Leah
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Oh Hops,
So sorry. Would it help you if she spoke to your lawyer?
I know you have been placed in this very, very painful position, but, please don't forget that she put you in this position. IMO, grab any help she can give you (if it's truly helpful to you) & spritz yourself with some 'guilt-be gone'.
As far as bro, put up that force field boundary, like a bank teller behind plexi glass & when he pushes malevolence thru the slot, push it back, so it doesn't touch you.
love,
ann
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::adding wood::
Remember self care rituals, Hops.
Lighter
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SS, Leah, Ann, Lighter...
Thank you very much.
I'm almost embarrassed to post because I'm so self-absorbed right now. I truly am sorry I've been so little help lately. The BIG posts, that resonate deeply (and as usual, there are so many) ... I can't comment on effectively. It's as though my brain's in a vaccum cleaner bag. Too much dust. But I'll clean up my mind eventually and try again.
Meanwhile, you must be so sick of hearing about it!
I am overwhelmed with sudden bills that are all my responsibility. The interim minsiter, a very sweet man, has moved in downstairs...but I can't accept any rent from him because my brother made it legally impossible. It may be next year. (Meanwhile, the minister is a help, a comfort to my pooch, and a very good presence. We don't interact a lot but I'm so grateful he's down there. He will contribute toward utilities because any long-term guest can do that...but I will not take any rent if it will jeopardize the Medicaid application for Mom, which is now delayed by months.)
Oh well, I'll spare you (and myself) the bureaucratic details. But I have to rebut a big document full of lies and distortions within a week, and it's daunting.
It's...
tada...
PAPERWORK with huge ramifications, and involves math besides (did I ever mention I'm math phobic?).
Thanks for listening...
love to all,
Hops
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Hops,
Don't be embarrased. You're going thru a huge ordeal & it's all so undeserved.
love,
ann
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I'm so self-absorbed right now. You need to be self-absorbed. You know - oxygen for yourself first. You have so much on your plate. You must take care of yourself and be kind to yourself. You deserve so much and you deserve to have this burden lifted.
Remember - justone bill at a time. I have two that I must write tonight. Thanks for reminding me. Just one at a time - I have been cleaning one square foot at a time and thanking you every step of the way. You can break it down and if you get stuck ask what voice, whose voice is causing you to get stuck. You might be surprised at the answer. My voice says you can do it and be free from the dark shadow.
Thining of you and thanking you for your help with my piles. I sorted a whole table piled high this weekend and never got a stomach ache. That's a first in my entire life. Next step is doing something witht the papers and I will do it this time.
Take care - really - take care of yourself - one step - one bill - one paper at a time. You can do it.
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I'm a bit mathphobic myself, Hops.
I understand.
Get a calculator.
Clear a nice clean area to work on, then take it one page at a time.
Is that guest of your's any good at math?
Asking for help isn't wrong..... sometimes it's just what you need.
I'm glad to see you're focusing on your needs and business. If you don't..... who will?
Lighter
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Hey Hops!
I popped into to give you lots of hugs. Bills and arguments, ugh!
Another strategy for dealing with Mr. BFL (Big Fat Liar) is to document the truth, that is, what you have done in the positive, rather than argue about accusations about his hallucinations etc. That is, just the facts. If there is some particularly nefarious position or point he is making, you might have to take that head on (like a political candidate!).
But remember to act, not react. I know it's hard when you are on the front lines. I imagine myself as a matador and need to know when to dance, when to use the cape and let the bull fly by to wear him down, and when to use the picador. Quite thrilling! :shock:
Take care sweetheart! MP
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Hi Hops...
you know, Dec 5 is still a ways away. Lots could happen between now & then. Maybe your Mom up & calls your lawyer on her own initiative... and that may/may not be a good thing. Maybe BFL gives up the fight - or is rendered incapable of fighting it through some silly actions of his own... maybe he runs into a bigger stronger foe in some other fight... and has to walk away from this one...
but YOU will have gained mastery, once & for all, over the paperwork bugaboo... and will be qualified to work as a CPA after all this experience! And just think how neat & tidy things will be come tax time next year...
Your BFL seems to expect to be able to make you crazy. Guess he thinks he has that kind of power over you. Poor twit! Expectations are funny things; some people think that expectations = control over others. Their disappointment can be almost comical.
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Thinking of you, Hops.I believe in the law"What you sow, you reap."It helps me when I feel betrayed by people. There is a Higher Authority than I. Ami
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My Dear Hoppy-
Sorry that you are suffering the described "abuse by court" that was initiated by your brother. It sounds like a harrowing assault,and as Shakespeare wrote regarding "The law's delay" , the painful process to reach justice can be one of the world's most vicious and tragic experiences. Hoppy iwhat has happened is not due to you or your actions, except for the fact that he is your brother- just like someone in a hurricane does not cause the winds and rain. i am proud of you, that you remain the good and loving person that you are, despite what is going on.
It sounds like a good thing that the interim minister is in the house, as an impediment to Bro if nothing else- and the financial assistance that the minister can provide at this time sounds wonderful. Perhaps the minister can assist in organizing the math items as Miss Lighter suggested, maybe preparing a spread sheet by hand or computer and arranging the receipts or whatever is required. When I was overwhelmed and at an impasse with my paperwork, answering filings, etc recently, Our Izzy walked me through reorganizing my pathetic files. Everything gets complicated and jumbled when one is dealing with snakes in court and the tasks seem endless and impossible. I felt foolish and childish needing such simple guidance, but thanks to Izzy's patience, things have improved so very much ( though I have misplaced an extremely important file last week- hopefully I will find it in the weekend) I actually enjoy the files now (sounds rather sick, doesn't it?!?!?!) You can do this Hoppy !!!!! Just do what you can in segments and enjoy- no more saying nasty things to and about yourself!!!!! You can do this!!!!
Remember Darling Hoppy- the abuser seeks to take or destroy what you value the most...it is not you that caused the problem, it is simply their own inexorable process!!!! Give yourself a nice pat on the back and credit for the strength and courage that you have displayed, and for your resilience in dealing with this insidious blight!!!!! And give yourself a break- you cannot fight interminably without refreshment, and you will be the sharper for a period of rest and peace.
Have a lovely holiday !!!!
Peace and Love to You Hoppy,
Changing
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Hops: This reminds me of how everything works. You pray for more patience and God gives you an impossible mother who tries your patience. You need more organizational skills and you are handed a situation which demands you to be more organized and with a DEADLINE to boot!!
I agree with someone above you suggested you continue to be your nice self. If you turn and play the same game as your bro then it just becomes a mess. You know? It is no crime to be unorganized........as long as you provide loving care for your mom then who cares if there is a stack of papers.
I did something that helps me so much. My kids bought me an ipod. I downloaded every single song from my past that I love. Most are very upbeat and just get me to dancing. When I put that ipod on and go into the garage it is amazing how much work I get accomplished. (the neighbors probably think I am crazy....a 48 year old woman dancing around the garage.) But last week I took back $20 worth of cans and got most of my books inside. I swept and threw a bunch of stuff away. I gave myself permission to only do this side......so I wasn't overwhelmed by the whole thing!!
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Hops,
I am so sorry you are going through this and I can directly relate. An N spreading lies is a terrible thing.....so hard to believe so many people get duped. I will pray for you, so far it has worked for me....I'll just keep praying.
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Dearest Hoppy,
Thank goodness you can be objective about nasty brother's behaviour when you need to be. He is showing all the signs of being an out of control/ control freak. Not a pretty picture. You can complain all you need to. This is a big, nasty, insidious, dragging on nightmare. Probably about his unmet infantile needs but nevertheless, he is bringing his best, adrenalized self to the battle and doesnt seem to have the conscience gene.
Continue to ask for help, please. I am with you for sure and there are many others here too. Some of us care and some of us have knowledge that may help you.
Lot of love,
Sea storm
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My Dear Hoppy-
Thank you for this thread- it gave me a renewed incentive to get cracking this past week ( I found the missing file!!!) Hope you had a lovely holiday and are being good and kind to yourself.
Love You,
Changing