Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival => Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board => Topic started by: Dr. Richard Grossman on August 31, 2008, 07:48:00 AM
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Hi everybody,
A member recently asked (via Personal Message) about my plans for the Board. This is what I told him/her:
Next August will mark ten years for the Voicelessness site. While I plan to keep the VESMB running until that time, I am uncertain about my plans beyond that date. That is why I have discontinued new registration. But I’ll let the Board know of my decision well in advance of August 2009.
Best,
Richard
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I guess I needed that shot of adrenaline to finish readying for church :shock:
Ten years is a long time, Doctor G.
If I was a wishing woman, I'd wish you could find inspiration for writing a book utilizing the struggles on the board and addressing them in concrete ways.
I think there's a book yet to be written.
This board is where the heart of the problem comes to bleed, find succor and heal.
This is where the book lives, IMO.
Lighter
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I did not realize that you had discontinued new registration. When did you do that?
Thank you for what you have provided here. It has been a great help to me. And thank you for the advanced warning about next August. I am done with my work here but have a few things to tie up and am glad for the time to finish what I have left to do.
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Dr. Grossman,
You don't have to share your thinking if you don't want to, but I would be interested in knowing what you will factor into your decision about next August. I have often thought that there's a lot of work involved in moderating this board, even though you appear to be relatively absent. Have you just burnt out--or do you think that the board has outlived its usefulness?
If you have closed the board to new registrations, and you no longer accept guest registrations, does that mean that the current members are the total pool for the next year?
I'm just curious about the process from your point of view, if you are willing to share anything more.
....and thank you so much for the 10 years you have kept the board up. I know everyone here is grateful for the opportunity to be here.
CB
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Dear Dr. G:
Just wanted to let you know how much help I got from this board. I totally changed my life thanks to this place. Pleace, pleace, would you reconsider? If people would pay a quote, something a month to maintain the borad, is there something we can do or I can do to help? To keep this alive?
Thank you so much for all you have done. It has changed my life forever.
God bless you so much!!!!!
My love and respect goes out to you.
Lupita
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Hi CB:
Thanks for your kind words. I don’t have a simple equation by which to make a decision, but here are some of the factors:
1) The time required to maintain the Board and keep it safe (to the degree that I am satisfied with) has gone way up. This diminishes my time to do other professional/non-lprofessional things—particularly to write. (By the way, when I checked this morning I had clocked 50 days, 21 hrs, 56 min on line as “voicel2” which places me in the top 5—I won’t name the other 4!)
2) The health of my wife and myself.
3) Usefulness/benefit to board members—board members are the best judge of this, and I always listen to the differing views.
4) My tolerance for the occasional e-mail disrespect/abuse that are part and parcel of running a board open to the general public. (Such tolerance certainly diminishes with age!)
5) The many expressions of appreciation that I have received and continue to receive.
ShameSlayer: I’m so glad the board has helped, and I’m glad your work is nearly done! The Board has been closed to new members for a couple months.
CB: I have been reluctant to open the Board again, knowing that it may close in a year. Is it fair to invite someone in only to close the board in a year? Again, members can help answer this…
Lighter: Sorry to give you a jolt! Thanks for the suggestion/wish. Actually, I’d prefer if you and/or other members wrote books on your experiences, and I could read them!
Lupita: Thanks for your appreciative words and your suggestion. I have thought about accepting contributions for a number of years. I will re-think it. It could certainly be another factor in my decision making.
Best,
Richard
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Wow!! I would feel lost without this board!!
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I will feel lost without this board, especially now!
Bones
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I pay a fee for my internet, a fee for my cable TV, etc. I would be very happy to pay a fee for this board if that keeps it alive.
I do not want to lose the board. This board has changed my life. I discover everything about my problems reading Dr. G's articles, and with the information from experience members and good people that I found here.
I have found my only source of support here.
I would be lost without this.
I would be happy to pay a fee. If three thousand member pay 25 dollars a month
25.00 X 3000 = 75000 dollars.
Probably that would be a dream, but if 1000 pay 25 that would be 25000 dollars
If 500 members pay 25 a mont 12500 that would be tuelve thousand dollars.
That money could be applied for councelling for books for many things.
Dear Dr. G, dont let it die, please.
My love and my respect goes out to you.
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I was going to write a post similar to Lupita's.
We have to pay for services, whether it be therapy or any other service or membership. Dr G has to give time and expertise to make the board go.
I think he should be compensated, as any other professional would be.
Ami
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Dr. Grossman
I can sympathize with your monitoring the board and watching all your 'little children' squabble, can hear you heave a sigh and think *here we go again*
In real life the children grow up. On the board one is just replaced with another and sometimes quadruplets come along.
I found this board to be the best help of all my 69 years. It was the ability to spit it all out and, for the most part, not be judged.
There came a time to quit, which was equivalent to when I would drop a friendship, because everything I would allow myself to say had been said, and I witheld my embarrassments, family et al. I was urged to stay and did and I blabbed it all. This helped me immensley, as I had to dig at my own faults and reasons and put everything in place. I was able to do that, when a therapist couldn't because before---"I really wasn't sure of what I was talking about"
Help was on this board for me!
Thank you and good luck
Izzy
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Dr G:
thanks for the heads up! I haven't been posting as much lately because I'm pretty busy these days - but this board has helped me so much, in transitioning from the support of therapy - into the full-life, totally engaged reality I'm dealing with these days. Again - the opportunity to write, write, write - and connect with others who actually KNOW what I'm talking about and can shed light on the things I'm not seeing or understanding - was the most important mechanism that propelled me along. Despite the differences of opinion and squabbles - this has been a place of much giving to each other.
I do understand having to let things go - even things that have held a lot of value. We have to do what we have to do, and I just wanted to say that if you decide to let the board go next year, I won't fall apart! I'll be OK. :D
Several months ago, I seriously considered leaving the board completely. And I took the opportunity that decision opened up to ask for the email addresses of people I've connected with here. I'll probably ask for a few more now - just in case! It's still possible for us - as a group - to continue working with each other via email. Or maybe Izzy will start her own board in semi-retirement! Maybe I will.
But the work we've all been doing - individually & collectively - will go on. I'm 100% sure of THAT!
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Could some of the reliable senior members be recruited to help with the moderating of the board? Doing it alone would sure be a difficult task. Even Wyatt Earp had to get help from his brothers to keep the law in Dodge... :D
I haven't been a very active member, but the board has been very helpful to me. It's enlightening to see how others have had very similar family experiences. I've been able to turn some vague suspicions into more clear understanding..
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Dear Doc G...
Thanks for the year's notice!
I know there'll be all sorts of feedback and great suggestions over the year to come, and who knows what'll feel right?
Like everybody, I'll be eternally thankful to you no matter what you decide (and I support your right to take care of yourself).
When I'm not so pooped I'll try to think of good alternatives too.
Gratefully,
Hops
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Dear Dr. G.
Deepest thanks for the support that your site has provided and for the invaluable guidance you have given.
I will try to step up to the plate and write more often now that I know that no more people are coming in. There must be hundreds of people already registered and new people can still read the information.
I agree that charging something would be ok for joining. Then you could get someone else to look after the site. This whole thing is really wonderful. I am sure there is a doctorate in this. The group dynamics alone are fascinating, and the way the site comes to homeostasis with a few nudges and some straight talk. I have watched so many people become healthier and feel more connected to humanity with this site and I drew strength and faith from here during a very dark time of my life.
Sea storm
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(((Dr. G)))
I remember discovering this site by accident six or seven years ago. What a lifesaver! I cannot thank you enough for having hosted this board in the first place, much less for almost ten years! I've returned just this past week after a two year hiatus to see what was up and because my Major N is aging quickly. The veneer of normalcy has peeled away and there is the inner baby N for all to see. :shock:
Anyway, another suggestion to keeping the board going while giving you a break is to find a possible replacement in the way of a fellow professional you trust with the healing of adult children of narcissists. Someone who would be willing/able to put in the considerable time?
Just a thought. Thank you again for caring.
Peace, Miss Piggy
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It's still possible for us - as a group - to continue working with each other via email. Or maybe Izzy will start her own board in semi-retirement! Maybe I will.
But the work we've all been doing - individually & collectively - will go on. I'm 100% sure of THAT!
Hi PR (and Dr. G again),
To have a board like this costs and there are free Boards on MSN and likely elsewhere. We could have a place for everyone to meet and stay up-to-date in touch. MSN requires a hotmail email account and when one joins with a 'nick' it is forever. I have an account with hotmail as I use it when I am to post an email address online and all mail goes to it, and stays out of my home mailbox. If it is important enough, I forward it to my home box,like when I stupidly bought 2 games, that I can now play free?
A worse suggestion is to join another Board and see if we can have a separate topic from those already provided.
I am too old now to become an 'owner of a Board'.. I could die tomorrow and the payments would soon be stopped...well exaggeration works, sometimes.
I think it is a mistake for us all to exchange personal email addresses just to keep in touch. We need a place so all can see what is happening.
Just thoughts in Verdana Font 12 pt. when Times New Roman is my favourite.
Izzy
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It's been 10 years?
Wow!
Dr. Grossman, you are a pioneer! I didn't realize you started the Board 10 years ago.
You've done alot of good here. 'nuff said.
(((((Dr. Grossman)))))
Dandylife
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Dr. Grossman,
I don't know what's best for you, at this stage of life... but I do know that a person's time in this world is far too short to spend an inordinate amount of it online.
"Shower the people you love... with love" - and all that :)
I also know that you are a very special individual.
For me, it's been your involvement here - your constant presence - in your integrity, strength, wisdom, patience, equanimity... all of that...
which has not only allowed me to grow up, but caused me to want to strive for emotional maturity.
In my view, this place wouldn't be VESMB without you.
As far as those disrespectful emails... or attempted coups and anything of the sort...
If I were in charge?
I'd be telling some folks, "Hey - if you don't like this arrangement or the way it's managed, go make your own forum."
But then that's just me, and I do believe it's entirely possible to be excessively... ermm... understanding.
One suggestion which has occurred to me - and I don't know how it might work, but -
regardless of your decision about this board, I would certainly like to be on a mailing list, to receive notification of your future writings.
Or if you did a blog... I would tune in!
I think it'd be great to hear more from you... without all the static.
Brightest blessings to you and your family.
Carolyn
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Dr. Grossman-
Thank you for providing this unique Board for 10 years. I have been posting for over a year and have found the experience transformative. Since I came here in abject despair and isolation, Board members have held my virtual hand, befriended, educated,inspired and propelled me out of a dangerous and abusive situation, to a new and fulfilling life. I hope that others who are in dire need of the same support are afforded the same opportunity to become safe and free from abuse.
Thank you again for the sacrifices and love shown by you and your family, for the benefit of people that you my never meet face to face.
Love and Thanks,
Changing
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dR. g-i THINK you will miss us!! Does anyone frequent a yahoo group or something like that? maybe we could all agree to meet somewhere else under the same names if the doc decides to end this!! I would miss you all!! I even miss those ones who irritated me.....
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Dear Dr. G,
The very best to you whatever you decide to do next year. And I just want you to know that since 2005, through all the trials and triumphs, this board has absolutely brought positive change to my LIFE!! So much education and maturation has taken place for me through you and this board. You are an angel right here on earth for what you have given us here. I appreciate and respect your decision one way or another, but I just want you to know you've done this task with great humility, intelligence, and grace. You should be proud of what you've facilitated/created. You are an inspiration and may you have all the support you will need to carry you through all the tough decisions to come.
Love to you and yours,
"Tiffany"
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Dear Dr. Grossman,
Regardless of your decision to close or not close the board, I want you to know that the day I stumbled onto your essays my life was changed positively. I'd found hope in the midst of personal desolation and dispair. Even now the memory makes me weep. It is a moment of such profound impact, I'm left 7 years later, still trying to explain how deeply I was affected.
In light of your essays, it would be hard to quantify the additional effect the message board had on me and my recovery. In other words, had I not had the message board in combination with the essays, I don't know what I would have done next in the way of finding a realistic perspective of where I found myself. I'm grateful that both were available. I had no resources for private therapy. I didn't have a clue where to turn next. Edit in: The board became that place, the next place, the place where I could connect with people whose stories in many cases could have been my own. Reading the accounts of others made me feel not so utterly isolated alone and abandoned.
These are my thoughts concerning the board and its future. First, I think that just about everything that can be said on the subject of voicelessness (from the layman's point of view) has been said on the board over the years. I think that having the board remain accessible to anyone wishing to read it would be a good thing. In the meantime, member list would become inactive, no new members would be accepted. Having it available for those wishing to read the board in its present state would be the only activity. This is just my two cents worth and may not be a reasonable option.
I don't know how difficult it would be to implement what I've proposed or how large the possible burden on you in the way of expense, maintenance and moderation. My proposal may not be a reasonable one for you.
Thank you. I so sincerely thank you.
Sincerely,
tt
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Dear Dr. G,
Please know that I have no words to express how grateful I am for the time I have had here.
I have found more comfort here, more support, and more challenges (in mostly positive ways – and those that were not so positive – I continued to learn from) than I ever experienced as a child.
My childhood was so devoid of just basic human kindness that I withdrew from the world.
By virtue of this place, I learned so many lessons … the most poignant to me….
…..I am not alone….
…..Life is a journey, and it is up to me where that journey takes me….
…..There really are some phenomenally good and caring people in this world; people, even in the midst of their own pain, willing to share of themselves to help others without expecting anything in return….
To everything there is a season, and I can understand so well if it is the season for you and yours. Although I will be sad to see the board go, I understand.
Whatever you decide, please know, you … and so many who have posted here … will always have a place in my heart. I have gained more through your and their selfless sharing, than I ever knew was possible.
You, and many here, have become a Miss Wooley/Mrs. Brush in my life; someone who does a simple kindness, and yet have made a lasting change in my life for the better.
Thank you.
Peace
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Dear Dr. Grossman,
I have a question for you. Have you ever thought of using some of the examples here to coalesce into a book of some sort? I know there are (finally) some books available on the subject, but I am sure there would be some way to come up with a new take on the disorder with all of the information compiled here. I keep thinking that this spot is just such a huge well of information and examples of all the stages and effects of the disorder.
I also want to chime in my thanks for the board. You have helped me immensely over the past two plus years and I am dealing much better with all aspects of my life because of the help I have received here from you and the members.
Love, Beth
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Hiya Dr. G,
Although I would really miss this board and am very grateful for so much that I have experienced here, I think you have to put your personal stuff first.....and take care of your own before anything.
Life is simply too short.
So a great big large huge thankyou to you for creating and keeping this place up and running for as long as you have and still do and best of luck to you and your family always, if you must quit.
Your great patience and compassion are an inspiration and then some, which I will not forget!
Sela
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This board was such a big help to me when I first discovered my ex was N and the relief at finding I was not alone was immense. I wanted to thank you for that :)
Cadbury
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So many people have gotten so much benefit from the board. It's a rare thing for anyone to give so freely of his (or her) time, energy and expertise. Thank you Dr. Grossman, and I hope you've gotten something from it too! Aside from the occasional headache that is.
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I was thinking about this since my last post on this thread.If you,Richard, don't want to run the board ,are there any other alternatives to it's total loss?
Ami
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I wanted to share some thoughts which seem sensible to me. I think a board should express the degree of moderation it has at the outset.
If a board has high, medium or low moderation, the participants would know and gauge their walk through the board accordingly.
Ami
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Now...what brought me back after so much time away? I must have heard you through the ether!
This board saved my soul, my life and my sanity
I received love and pain in equal quantity. I learned there are some real sh*** out there! I also learned I was worth something to some people who appreciated me.
And then I discovered that all the sh*** out there may just be people with Aspergers Syndrome.
And my world shifted like a kaleidoscope.
But the pain and stress continued relentlessly.
And then I discovered I had cancer.
I would have been very happy for it to just take me away.
But I discovered that some real 'offline' people thought I was worth something - quite a lot actually.
It wasn't my nearest or dearest, that's for sure.
A big leap for freedom later, I'm living on my own in a different town many miles away from misery.
I chose not to do the cut and burn but...it appears that I am cancer-free anyway
I have found my voice again - playreading, singing...
I look well, I look happy.
I'm ready to scoop my life back up again.
Thank you for this Board - I rather hope it will stay here forever because here....I exist. And I didn't do much of that before.
I exist - my stories exist - my passing friendships exist - my passing emnities exist - the grief exists - the cleverness exists. I exist here - I cannot tell you how important that symbolic existence is - even tho I don't pop by any more and haven't done so in years. I know I'm....here.
Thank you for this board and the opportunity to talk about pain and shame and double rainbows. They exist, too.
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((((((Rosencrantz)))))
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I found this board many years ago, probably close to its start date. It’s been about ten years since I got a diagnosis of NPD for my mother, which is when I started combing the Internet for information. After the board changed formats a few years ago, my post count was reset and I now show as a newbie. Most of you will probably consider me a newbie anyway, as I rarely post here. I mostly come here to read, but have also gone through a few lengthy absences. Life gets busy, things happen, and when my N mother isn’t tormenting me, there isn’t a need to come here.
BUT, I always end up here on Christmas day, the absolute worst day of the year for me. It’s been a painful day for me for as long as I can remember, and now, eight years after completely detaching myself from my N mother, she still finds ways to get to me on the day when she knows I’m most vulnerable.
So, here I am, seeing this post for the first time.
Dr G, if you need to close the board for personal reasons, I respect and understand your decision. I do want to thank you for creating this board in the first place, as it has helped me more than I can say. Before I found this place, no one (including several therapists) believed the stories I told about my mother. Coming here and reading about identical experiences, finding answers, and learning of ways to cope . . . well, I could never put a price on that.
That said, if the costs associated with maintaining the board is a driving issue, I too would be willing to make a contribution to keep it going. When my mother is on the attack, I’ve always known that I could come here for help. I know that I would feel a bit lost without having this board here.
I’m rambling, but let me just say thank you to everyone here for your words of wisdom, your encouragement, and the stories you’ve chosen to share. I hope this board will continue on, but if not, well, THANK YOU.
Kathy