Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival => Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board => Topic started by: sKePTiKal on September 09, 2008, 11:37:39 AM
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OK, Hops. I'm finally ready to tackle this. Again, I'm gonna lock the thread until I have the time to get enough of the thought process and definitions out, then I'll open it to discussion. Sorry to say - I'm going to mix analogies - in this process.
First analogy comes from Zen: there's a saying - make the monkey run up and down the pole. For me, this has always meant to give my intellectual side - maybe mostly Lbrain - something to do. It's used to free up awareness, consciousness in meditation - more r-brain type self. There are other explanations; associating the monkey with ego...
Second one is ancient; I don't know the exact source. A human being is like a horse & cart, with a driver. Think of the cart being the Lbrain, the horse - a body, and the driver as "SELF" (rbrain or something else). The driver decides where everyone is going - it's the "chooser" - the horse requires fuel & energy to pull the cart - which is only required to function smoothly.
Third is the Lbrain, Rbrain definition, and here I'm somewhat a heretic. While I agree that Lbrain is more process and detail - routine/habit oriented, Lbrain does experience emotions, feelings. Rbrain tends to be more emotional, sensory and awareness based; the seat of "SELF" or heart... but it also has intellectual - thinking - abilities.
This is my starting point; my toolkit for really looking at, understanding, and finally "getting" what's going on re: L/R brain and smoking. These are going to get all smooshed together, so bear with me. The resulting synthesis, is always interesting. Be back later.
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Gosh, later was longer than I thought!
OK... one more important thing about smoking - it is a boundary for me. In more ways than one. This may actually be the most important point. Don't know yet.
When I started smoking on more than an experimental basis - I was still experiencing the most severe effects from the rape & brain injury. My "reality" was totally dissociated... I was beyond depressed - despairing - constantly anxious, if not terrified - lethargic - silent - and very, very confused about why I remembered things happening to me, that my mother said were imagination or hallucination. I knew what imagination was... and I knew the difference between reality and imagination. What she was telling me only served to make me even MORE confused. And perhaps the actual extent of dissociation I experienced was really more likely, cognitive dissonance from being so totally gaslighted.
Be that as it may, when I began to smoke to fit in with the older kids my mom kept pushing me off on... I noticed some immediate effects. I got more energy, pulling me out of the black hole I was in. The world seemed brighter. I was able to reason (Lbrain) better - I wasn't completely, totally lost in confusion anymore. Within myself, this seemed like a really beneficial side-effect, as I was attempting to understand what had happened; was happening; to me. I needed to be really, really "smart" to figure it all out... since I didn't really trust what my mom was saying. I KNEW she was wacky. I was afraid I was crazy - literally insane - JUST LIKE HER. And in my isolation from my dad, substitute moms, I needed to be able to think - and hold back the flood of intense, almost unbearable emotions long enough, to think things through.
Well, my mom encouraged whatever it was that pulled me out of emotional drowning. She couldn't understand my emotions. She couldn't even admit that I had emotional needs - and that it was her job to try to meet those needs. She reinforced the idea for me - that even though smoking was dangerous - it was HELPING. It was useful, even necessary...
There are some false premises in this message. One, is that my emotions were any more intense than anybody else's. I wasn't some sort of freak who let my emotions and imagination run away with me, like she said I was. I'd been raped - physically injured in other ways - and quite literally: shot at and missed. Even the brain injury story is a bit suspect, when I review that chronology. It's much more likely that I met with an irresistable force, in my Mother's denial of what really happened to me. The true dissociation, I think, was during those moments of unconsciousness during that attack. Once I'd recovered a bit - I was rational enough to hide my brother & myself in the attic, for fear of the return of the attacker.
Another false premise is that she wasn't responsible for meeting my emotional needs; the expectation of me, was that I would "snap out of it". Everything she was doing was "for my own good". Sorry, mom - what she did was closer to what Nazi doctors did to concentration camp prisoners - in that she tried to find all kinds of medical reasons/solutions to a basic human need for comfort, security & love.
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Most importantly - it was during this time, that she deliberately campaigned to try to get me to believe that I was just like her. I couldn't have sad feelings... I couldn't be angry... and I dare not find any peace or serenity... because she didn't have any.
I smoked to physically get away from my mother.
I smoked to get her - and her insanity - out of MY head.
I smoked to touch base with my own emotions - my own SELF.
I smoked as a form of ego-boundary - because she didn't smoke; wouldn't EVER smoke.
I smoked to meet my mother's expectation that "get over it" - because smoking heightened my Lbrain reasoning and suppressed the dominance of my Rbrain self - those banned, couldn't possibly exist, didn't make any sense - emotions.
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One more thing:
a boundary implies an EDGE - this thing on one side; that thing on another. It is ALSO a gateway. Smoking became a gateway, for me - from the "me" I had to be in that situation with my mother... and the "me" that I really was.
So, thoughout therapy - and all my work with my Twiggy-self - smoking was the gateway between... the gateway between Lbrain/Rbrain... where I could observe myself with one part of the brain or another.
Is it still necessary?
No, not really.
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OK - last (I promise!) statement, description or whatever - before I open this thread for comments, feedback, and questions. I don't think I've really answered Hops' question about smoking & L/R brain as fully as I might be able to, with discussion. So ask away...
The whole thing with smoking was NEVER necessary - but it was what I resorted to in that situation. For my work with myself: being able to touch base with my real self... smoking wasn't necessary for that either; I just believed it was. My first introduction to Twiggy was in my T's office - and I wasn't smoking THEN. As T revealed all of her story over weeks & months... I wasn't smoking THEN, either.
I was smoking while digesting, processing, understanding, reframing, putting the current puzzle piece into the whole picture. Lbrain stuff again, huh?
As if there were some magical property in cigarettes... in the act of smoking itself... that helped me get through those leaps of understanding and work things out. That's like believing you're more creative while drinking or smoking pot. It implies you aren't smart, creative enough without some "help" - something that's not you. Like believing that food can make you feel better - all that type of eating does, is numb emotions through a repetitive, hand to mouth - physical action. Just like smoking... it's supposed to do one thing and does another. I have both bad habits.
I have found an effective substitute for this effect that doesn't add more calories to my diet - or keep me inhaling. It was suggested on the Become An Ex website - it's a computer game called "Bejeweled". My hubby recognized it as an 80's video game for the PS2 - and coincidentally - we found this for our PS2. I also have it downloaded on my computer at work... and found a simliar game for our DS that I can carry with me.
Bejeweled is a very simple game; there is a grid of gems - different colors/shapes - and when you move a gem one space to create 3 of a kind, they're removed from the grid, creating a new arrangement. In my case - the points don't matter. I play the endless version, so that I can exercise, rest & refresh both L & R brain - by the repetitive action of making 3 of a kind. Left brain is looking for the 3-same matches... and r-brain is doing the same thing - only with color/shape. I get the same calming & refreshed effect from this game, that I would from 20 minutes of tai chi. I think it'll be invaluable as a substitute for my usual "smoke breaks".
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You are SO going to make it, Amber. I know it.
But I didn't think I said anything about L and R brain.
I was trying to say something about this, only this -- the physical brain (left, right, top, bottom, middle...front back):
The nicotine molecule is shaped like a neurotransmitter called acetylcholine. Acetylcholine and its receptors are involved in many functions, including muscle movement, breathing, heart rate, learning, and memory. They also cause the release of other neurotransmitters and hormones that affect your mood, appetite, memory, and more. When nicotine gets into the brain, it attaches to acetylcholine receptors and mimics the actions of acetylcholine.
Nicotine also activates areas of the brain that are involved in producing feelings of pleasure and reward. Recently, scientists discovered that nicotine raises the levels of a neurotransmitter called dopamine in the parts of the brain that produce feelings of pleasure and reward. Dopamine, which is sometimes called the pleasure molecule, is the same neurotransmitter that is involved in addictions to other drugs such as cocaine and heroin.
I noticed some immediate effects. I got more energy, pulling me out of the black hole I was in. The world seemed brighter. I was able to reason (Lbrain) better - I wasn't completely, totally lost in confusion anymore. Within myself, this seemed like a really beneficial side-effect, as I was attempting to understand what had happened
I thnk now that you've got the ratio-emotive sides of your addiction down (and you really do, though you could plumb them for nuance for much, much longer)...what I urge you to do is to be very clear in your mind about the physical (brain-physical) side of your addiction. I think your "brighter" refers to dopamine--pleasure centers in the brain being activated. I think your "reason" and "not being lost in confusion" applies to learning areas of the brain being activated by acetylcholine-like neurotransmitters. I think your "energy" refers to muscle movement, breathing, heart rate (which, combined, feel like energy) being stimulated likewise.
All in all, I just keep harping on your brain as a PHYSICAL organ...because I think that's so important to address as you decide to quit. And...
I worry you're overlooking this. (I won't spell out why I worry, but I would just say I've seen the end results. Don't want that for you.)
I want your throat and lungs to clear and your heart to strengthen and your body to begin to heal. Soon!
love,
Hops
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Thanks for the clarification, Hops. Yes - I got the physical side of this implanted in my intention. This is actually where I started from, so maybe that's why it appears that I'm overlooking it. Knowing all the scientific stuff wasn't enough; explanation below.
What I had to do, was unearth all the connections between the physical stuff and all the wrong ideas, suppressed memories & emotions and the smoking. 3 years worth - and also working to resolve the emotions. I agree - the dopamine response - was the initial "hook" for me. I hadn't realized the connection with learning & memory - although it makes a LOT of sense in light of my journey.
This whole exploration of Twiggy's story - and the emotional archeology that led to discoveries of abuse & more - was initiated from a compelling, overwhelming desire to quit smoking. I hated smoking - but attempting to quit drove me into such emotional chaos; out of control chaos - it made me a non-functional mess - and the effects were so much MORE than simply being deprived of nicotine. In fact, I was using NRT at the time, so I was still getting nicotine to my brain & body... so the complete meltdown of myself didn't make any sense at all. I didn't understand what was happening to me.
It was the symbolism of smoking - what that represented & meant to me; how that functioned - that was preventing me from quitting, even with plenty of nicotine in my system from non-smoked sources. I didn't know a thing about that symbolism 3 years ago, when I tried to quit. Smoking was quite literally the only "boundary" I was permitted... to differentiate myself my mother. Smoking helped me meet my mother's abusive expectations to pretend to be who I was NOT. Smoking also allowed me to "touch base" with my real self - in a safe way. Smoking was "something" outside myself I needed, relied on, to be able to live in a double bind situation... because I knew how impossible it was to try to be someone else. As Twiggy, I intuited a lot of these things - emotionally. I didn't really understand them - nor the byzantine, upside-down maze of gaslighting/deceptions - that were being thrown on me. I didn't know about projection - or how that was even possible.
Well, long explanation short: I've learned to set real boundaries - not just throw up a smokescreen to hide behind. I've healed a lot of those old emotional wounds. I was able to quit for 3 whole days a month ago... and no: I didn't have overwhelming physical withdrawal symptoms. The first 24 hrs, I did experience what I call "brain buzz"... a sort of static in all my mental & sensory channels of awareness. It was gone after 24 hours - and I felt completely normal. What happened on the 4th day, was that I stole one of hubby's smokes.
And I've been working through why I thought I needed that one - that day - that moment. I knew that physically, I was just fine. I could just walk away from it. Something ELSE, didn't want to. Something ELSE thought it could give in to temptation, that it NEEDED to... and it wasn't a craving for nicotine.
It was the "something" that believed that I had to hide my real self. That I wasn't allowed to BE my real self - not without a disguise... not without appearing to meet the expectations that lived like flaming text in my self at the same time - the ones that came from my mom - and the consequences of violating these commands; stepping outside that "control". This was a whole 'nother level of dealing with projected shame, fear, and self-acceptance. Without smoking - I was naked, exposed to the whole world - as I am. And of course, this was felt as shame... even humiliation... and the only cure for that was smoking, because then I appearing just as HELPLESS (addicted) as my mother was. I wasn't an example of what she isn't capable of. I was safe.
This is also how I explain why I've smoked - intentionally and deliberately - relying on smoking during this healing process of mine. Smoking was at the same time, a way to separate from my self, to be able to observe & analyze... and also the gateway to feeling & understanding a lot of non-verbal things. I was so fearful of being my self - even BY myself; alone - that I "needed" this crutch to develop the relationship, get to know my self. Especially after therapy ended and I continued working here and in my journals.
As Twiggy, I latched onto the idea that smoking helped me "think" better. (It did stimulate Lbrain activity...) I needed, most desperately, to figure out what was happening to me (gaslighting; extreme boundary violations). Smoking also helped me hide who I was - my feelings - that incurred ever more mean and unfair punishments. Smoking helped me pretend that I was just like my mother - so she would LEAVE ME ALONE and stop abusing me. Smoking physically got me away from her.
Well, "Twiggy" and I have figured out what happened, in agonizing, gory detail. That part of my self is now firmly in place in the story - the chronology - of my life; in me. A part of my life, never to be forgotten or extricated again. But it's not who I am.... not the sole defining characteristic of me.
It took time - of putting myself outside the limitations of the "comfort zone" - of being "really me" in a lot of situations and all the different kinds of experiences in response to me; it took time to feel comfortable here. It took time for "me" to adjust my behavior - to remove old defensive reflexes & routines - to more closely express my self: the real one.
My brain realizes that smoking was not really necessary to protect myself - then or now. But "me" - those emotions - are still adjusting to that understanding... still accepting it. If it were possible - in the sense of reality - to stop being ME, then I'd not been able to remember what happened... or to heal those wounds belatedly. My last "task", I guess, is to remove this false boundary - between "me" and "me" - to drop the extraneous disguises and just be me. No one is expecting to me to be like my mother, except her. Most people like me just FINE - not all; not all the time. I am not some shameful pathetic helpless being who needs to hide herself or pretend to be something she's not - to be accepted. I don't need to smoke anymore - the REASONS are disappearing and they have "control" over "me".
How soon, Hops? I've got 12 left in this pack - and the fact is - my body doesn't WANT one, even though I'm about 30 minutes past my 10 am routine break. My body is delivering a lot of messages to me re: smoking... and now, that's aligned with an inner direction/desire to stop perpetuating the same old cycles of hiding... etc... that is only reinforced with every cigarette. I feel fine being myself without the old smokescreen. Not scary at all... I'm able to enforce boundaries to my satisfaction... and can be "me" - whatever that is at this particular moment.
Smoking is like scab over a wound that's healed; it's starting to fall off and soon will be gone.
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I love reading the way you are able to analyze how your concious and unconscious mind works. You are able to articulate complex and contradictory conflicts within yourself that make so much sense. It helps me map a way of describing similar internal conflicting perspectives. As i do that the conflicts begin working themselves free. It is such a relief after all of these painful years.
I am so close and thriving on your accounts. I will miss them terrible when Dr. Grossman closes this site down.
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I have total faith in you, Amber.
I know you're on your own side.
hugs and cheers,
Hops
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Thank you both.
I'm being reminded today, that the connections we've found with each other through sharing our collective knowledge & experiences is what it means to be "understood".
Today: whatever the reason, maybe a critical mass has been formed from all this work, I'm seeing all the "boundaries" that I tried to create/maintain with smoking... and how those are the wrong ones; wrong kind... seeing that it's perfectly OK for me to have the real boundaries. It won't cause world war III...
... now, on to PRACTICE.
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Wot a day.
Over the weekend, I realized that I need to be responsible for my "inner brat". You know, the one who thinks it's OK to smoke & sabotage myself, the one who wants to blame someone ELSE for "how I am". This inner brat isn't Twiggy; isn't me.
This morning I realized the inner brat is the projection of my mom, that I had to swallow & absorb. I had to be "not responsible" for this inner brat/projection... because that was the "hook" that my mom used to make ME responsible for HER; to be "like her"... so she'd have company in her emptiness and so she could "control" me. My mom is all about controlling other people; blaming other people... and not being responsible for herself.
This projection is what I was calling the "role" awhile back. It's insinuated itself into my personality in many ways. It's NOT ME. I know how to be responsible for my SELF - but I've not ever been able to see before that this "other thing" - this inner brat - was really something that I could go NC with... that it was something that my mom did to me, so she wouldn't have to be responsible (parentification). This is the switch that closes the circuit on self-control and power over my own bad habits. It feels like a complete center-of-gravity, consciousness & reality shift.
I don't really blame her for doing this to me; she really did not know it's wrong. Did not know she was mentally ill... and still is. Did not know that you can't control other people and have to be responsible for your own feelings... that other people CAN'T "make" you feel anything. No wonder I always was feeling "not good enough" - since it wasn't possible to fulfill that silly expectation. There is/was lots of things she did/does not know.
It was, if you will: an accident of birth. An ACCIDENT - pure & simple - that has ruled me & my life up till now. No rage; no anger... just moving ON and taking the reins in the analogy of the horse, cart & driver. It is a strange feeling.
And to top that off... my high school president died of cancer over the weekend. His ex-wife is my best friend from HS. Yes, he was another smoker. And his mom was a flaming narcissist. After he remarried, I lost touch with him, except for news & gossip from my friend. We didn't always get along, even when double-dating, etc. But he was an important part of my life; a constant figure in it for many years.
I'm still digesting this, emotionally. The throat cancer spread to his brain, even after years of medical interventions, chemo, the works. I think he even investigated some experimental treatments.
HOPS: I think I get now, that smoking may have actually assisted me in "putting Twiggy away"... helped me to forget all about those feelings & the events that went along with it...
helped to play the role my mom wanted me to play. Even as it was ALSO the "breadcrumb" trail to the emotional archeology that enabled me to sort this all out.
Picking up the reins, and slapping the horse on the rump with them... moving on.
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Indeed - the quick shift to mental clarity was one of the unfair expections in my FOO.
Even as a small child, I had trouble going to sleep and staying asleep; this became anxiety based on the fear that another fight would break out. So it was very hard to wake up in the morning.... and of course, this was my fault, too.
And there were demands put on me to wake up quickly - as I had to "be the mom" and make sure my brother was ready for school, and hope I had time to get myself ready. 'Coz god knows, I daren't ask my mom for anything!! Didn't really want to start the day with a barrage of verbal abuse, ya know?
I believed school would be my ultimate salvation - and I really wanted to be wide awake, refreshed, and able to do well - even in 8 am classes.
I've boiled it all down now, to the fact that I wasn't allowed to have needs - I was NEVER allowed to ask to have my needs met without provoking a vicious attack on myself - and that I was expected to be overly-responsible for everyone else, while taking care of MY SELF. This was the case both before and after the Twiggy era.
Coffee & cigarettes seemed to fit the bill; kill several birds with one stone. Smoking was how I denied/fulfilled my "needs" and the expectation to take care of myself.
I mentioned, I think, that I've been experiencing odd snippets of sensory memory from that era of my life. One new twist on this: those are coming frequently to me - and they are no longer associated with "Twiggy". They are very much bits & pieces of visual, spatial, experiential memory - MY memory. Sometimes, they're even physical memories - body memories.
As if old neural pathways are being retrod - and I'm finally allowed to BE what I had to deny in the original experience. As if it's now SAFE for me to have those feelings, those needs... those memories of what I experienced - without having to pretend I "just imagined it". It's not dissociation, either. I worried about that for a bit. It's clearly memories of ME and my experience of the reality around me that was repressed right along with that bit of myself.
Here's how I feel about the mental clarity bit... I am what I am (says popeye the sailor man). I'm not always clear; sometimes I'm tired and my brain refuses to process information right in front me. Sometimes there's so much information, coming at me so fast - and I've not managed my boundaries well enough to process it in a comfortable, orderly, thorough fashion. I have the RIGHT to this state of being. There is no ultimate, karmic demand that I NEED to externally enhance the state of being that I experience, naturally. The state of being is not constant - and the things I do with and put into my body affect that state of being.
I am ALLOWED to be fuzzy, tired, and to have needs - and I am ALLOWED to ask for and expect my needs to be fulfilled in positive, constructive ways. I don't have to find some way to do the impossible; be what I am not; take care of people who can take care of themselves - and there is ALWAYS time for me to take care of me. If it means I take time out at work; or take a day off - I CAN DO THIS. I don't have to deny my self, deny my needs, adjust ME for anyone else's demands, expectations, or needs.
I don't have to throw myself in front buses; don't have to be anyone's hero; all I have to do is take care of my self - be responsible for myself... which means determining what is good for me; what is not... and act accordingly.
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I have not carefully read your last couple of posts but want to comment anyway. I honed in on what you wrote about the brat being the projection of your mother.
I have some work to do with this. I completely recognize how parts of me took on projection of my father - hes worst parts of course. OMG I just got it. For so long I have wondered why, despite his insane behavior, he still is included socially by his life long friends and yet I was cut out so many years ago - HELLO - I took on his WORST traits and acted them out. He repressed HIS and PROJECTED them onto me. OMG - what a huge discovery!
No wonder I honed in on your brat issue. O I have to go and process all of this. I was going to write that I am sure that I have taken on projected parts of my mother (the non-functioning, non-follow through parts) but that they lie in the unconscious and that I want to dig them up.
O my heavens - so much. That's why I couldn't read your post in depth - it struck such significant chords in my phyche and stirred them up. Thanks PR - I've got some work to do. I'll be back later.
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I read and digested what you've written here, applied it to myself - and suddenly realized my smoking is my victim role. Since my old victim always had to depend on someone else or something outside myself, it makes sense to me. Victim: "I need this cigarette; I have so much anxiety and I need the cigs to take it away. I have to depend on the cigs b/c nothing else calms me.
Hmmm - gonna have to think some more on this.
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towrite -
yes, this is how it functions for me too.... rather than addressing my needs by ASKING for what I need - from anyone, literally anyone, I was prohibited from asking... and when I found out that cigarettes would help me pretend to be "giving myself" something; when I came to appreciate the mental clarity & even reconnecting with my real self that they offered...
well, I was hooked in more ways than the one.
Fact is: smoking only heightens my anxiety... because it shrinks blood vessels & I have to breathe more rapidly to get oxygen.
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OK, THEN!!! :shock: :D
A huge, huge, life-impacting weight has FINALLY BEEN LIFTED. I have finally been able to write the story of what happened to me, from a present frame of mind/emotion cognizant of the emotions from then... and some more gaps have been filled in. I have been able to finally see my journey of the past few years - and the most significant pieces of it, which make all the difference.
And I know why my attempts to quit smoking have always failed, in the past.
The quit that sent me back to therapy a couple years ago was agony. Lack of nicotine sent me into rages that I couldn't explain; made me weepy for no reason; I felt physically ill. As I was lying, swinging in the hammock all wrapped up in a blanket... I had a clear realization that the way I was feeling at that time, was how I felt BEFORE I started smoking. I remember thinking: this is my body - me - without smoking. It wasn't good, at all.
In the years since - I uncovered the "why" behind those feelings; recovered a pile of memories. I worked to resolve them; and my definition of resolve is "accept". I worked to accept that:
I was abused, long before I was assaulted.
The abuse escalated AFTER I was assaulted.
My mother is mentally ill and no, she doesn't love me. I am free to not love her, also.
And that the "I" that I had to split off, put away, hide, and protect... was me, too. Including all those feelings.
And that there isn't one damn thing wrong with me: that part that I was separated from, for so long.
When I was referred to therapy - it was for psychosomatic symptoms related to anxiety. My feelings at that time, were that I was a fraud; a fake. I was confused - totally - about what was "wrong" with me. Well, don't ya know that at that point in time, "I" thought "I" was all the crap that my mom had projected on me... I WAS a FAKE; I wasn't being ME. I was only SAFE, being her.... and totally miserable trying to live up to that projected identity... without normal, healthy boundaries.
A perfect storm of situations came together in my life - in my relationship with my hubby, in the lives of my girls, and my insane boss at work, that put PRESSURE on this dichotomy... of how I defined "me"... on the fakiness of me... and I couldn't explain myself to my T. I had no reason for why I felt this way -- but she knew, because I had all but told her my story at the very, very beginning... while still oblivious to significance - still in repressed denial - to the facts in my very own history.
Since ending therapy, I've continued working. And damn, if it still wasn't possible to quit smoking! You all have witnessed all the circles, paths, & analysis/naval gazing I've gone down, trying to figure this all out.
It's really simple:
I was only SAFE in that projected identity... (that's only PART of a sentence)... SAFE from my MOTHER and her abuse.
I finally got this today, when I realized that the "witch doctor"; the psychiatrist my mom took me to - to "fix" me and my grief, rage, and refusal to submit to being what my mom insisted I "should" be; this woman actually saved my life. This woman told me: if it gets too much to bear, you can hide all this away - and be safe from HER - and can work through it LATER. I had mistakenly believed that this woman was responsible for "doing me in" - for separating that part of myself from consciousness.
It was AFTER that session, that it got to be too much to bear. Because I wasn't instantly "cured" of being myself, my mom shunned me. And I had to - face the fact that she didn't love me; that I didn't matter to her. I had to submit to being what she wanted me to be... to survive... until I could leave home and finally make myself safe from this woman who gave birth to me, but wasn't my mother. When the horror of this situation settled onto me, I was completely inconsolable. First my Dad - gone; my sub-moms - gone; my mother - a nightmare.
And I remembered what the woman told me; how to protect myself and save myself from this instrusive, boundary-violating situation.
Smoking - helped me maintain the projection my mom pushed on me. Helpless = addicted. Smoking helped me deny my real self - put away all those feelings - for 40 years. Smoking kept me SAFE. And when I realized that without nicotine, I was feeling all those feelings again... the fear of abuse for daring to be my self was so great, that only continuing smoking could make it bearable.
I believe that those feelings have healed - at least, as well as can be expected over the past few years. I will always carry the scars - be sensitive to certain situations, I think. But I no longer fear being myself or those old echoes of feelings. I no longer fear my mom - because my boundaries have been getting a good bit of exercise at work... and I have no qualms about keeping them pretty high and solid with her.
I do believe that I'm "done". As "done" as I can get...
and now, when I stop smoking the next time (very, very soon)... I won't retreat, give up, or "need" the safety of smoking, just because of who I am. The plan will get carried out - followed through on - this time.
Those odd bits of floating memory that have been coming to me lately - that's just my brain, reconnecting ME - filling in gaps... making my SELF whole again.
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This whole post makes an enormous amount of sense!
What a great therapist.
What a bio-"mother" who earned NC...right? NC? Mostly NC?
What wonderful insight. Esp. about addiction = helplessness, and all that leads to.
Hooray,
Hops
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NC - LOL!!
Well, after I'd pointedly changed the subject in several phone calls to ME and my life and my feelings... she stopped calling me every week. I haven't talked to her in a couple of months; haven't visited in person in 10 years.
How much safer could I get, right? But, it was the projections - that "mom" in my head that we all know so well - that kept beating me up. I credit these sessions of bejewelled I've been playing that allow "space out" time - when those snippets of self come up & snap back into place - with finally pulling enough of "me" together... a critical mass with thought & emotion & consciousness.
and Ann's suggestion to SS yesterday: time to visualize a new you... that was a step I hadn't taken; spent too much time deciding who I WASN'T... not enough time on who I AM...
hopefully I'll get some time today to put together a new quit plan. To be enacted by Friday.
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update....
today I was supposed to not be smoking. I am still smoking.
I am still smoking, because of things that I feel are completely out of my control that are creating chaos, despair, and mounting frustration. This time - it's the same old, same old at work - AGAIN. My boss - AGAIN.
A personnel issue was brought to his attention by the #2 in the office. It's an issue that boss & I have been discussing for weeks now. When I say what I want - he always throws responsibility for making it happen back to me - when what I want is for other people to accept some responsibility for what is THEIR JOB. 6 of us in the office have the same issue, with the same person. That person reports directly to the boss. He denies there's a problem; and we dare not suggest that he is the cause of the problem (he is) or we'll be threatened with our jobs.
Once again: life is giving me a glorious opportunity to change... do things differently... to learn. Dare I take it?
My subordinate pointed out yesterday that I seemed to be smoking a lot, for someone trying to quit. I haven't gone into detail about my story - but have told her about being an abuse survivor. She escaped a marriage to an N; she's also so sensitive to the boss, that I basically protect her from even having to speak with him. We were discussing the havoc that the boss is wreaking... and what, if anything, could be done about it... and also rumors she's hearing across campus that he will be removed from his position soon. I was getting ready to tell her:
that I'd decided that I wasn't going to be "collateral damage" yet again - i.e., smoking myself into illness & death - that the reason I was the victim the first time, was because I didn't TELL ANYONE... I didn't tell anyone how my mother was; it would've been "disloyal"; we didn't discuss family matters outside the home. That same kind of rule exists in my department.
However, when the VP asked me point blank about certain things he'd heard from others, last month - I was candid, honest, well - blunt. I meet with him again on Wed, just before our new president's inauguration the end of this week - and my two weeks at the beach. Wednesday, I intend to hand him a proposal I submitted to my boss last year; the same proposal boss says is sitting on some VPs desk - but that this VP knew nothing about. I think my boss is lying. I'm asking the #2 in the dept. to document what he knows are issues in the department and to suggest solutions; he is just as intensely upset as I am - and doesn't have anything in his past to be triggered about. That is going to be included in the packet I deliver.
And I'm going to tell this man - my last hope - that I don't know how much longer I can stand to come into work wondering what new crisis my boss has created; wondering if the whole department is going to mutiny or simply cease to function because of boss' lack of and mis-managment; and if I can stand to spend whole days trying to keep my panic and anxiety under check enough, to not climb the tallest building here and scream: will somebody PLEASE DO SOMETHING??? If you won't do it, will you PLEASE LET ME DO IT????
After what I've lived through; after healing this much; after doing as good a job as I can IN SPITE OF the boss - I don't DESERVE to be faced with this situation daily. I don't deserve to have to watch the department that the whole university depends on be destroyed and become non-functional... because no one seems to have the balls to deal with this idiot who abuses the very people he uses to earn his "brownie points" with the muckety-mucks.
It's not a threat; it's my own survival that I am responsible for thinking about; doing something about. I accept that my emotions about this are intense; at some level they are triggered by the similarity to the "original crimes" that I lived through at 12-13. But my emotions about this present situation are equally intense; they stand on their own, even when I separate the similarities of the situations from the present. I can not simply throw myself weeping at this VP's feet begging him to rescue me; but damn, if that isn't what I want.
So, I'm smoking to distance those emotions enough - to allow myself the space to think of an appropriate way to broach the subject of the last week of hell that has been a direct result of the VPs' requests of my boss (tho' the boss' insanity-reaction I am complaining about, is not his fault). And I'm smoking to be able to tell this person who could resolve the situation, that I'm not willing to work in these conditions much longer; that the combination of lack of caring at a high level about what they've known for some time, combined with my personal history, make the situation so unbearable - that while I don't WANT to leave, I may have to - to protect myself; explaining WHY it's difficult for me. And then releasing the outcome.... because I really don't WANT to have to endure another day of this; truly.
I'm hoping that smoking will help me to gain some magical insight or epiphany of understanding that will enable me to persuade the powers-that-be to correct this situation. I'm hoping that smoking will show me the "way out" of this horrible mess. I'm hoping that smoking will make me better able to be taken seriously, be respected, be HEARD. I'm hoping that smoking will somehow protect me from being seen as the "idiot" in this picture.
I'm hoping to be delivered from agony by smoking - which, of course, ultimately I would be, if I just keep smoking.... unless I can find a way to do what needs to be done Wed., without smoking.
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the fear of abuse for daring to be my self was so great, that only continuing smoking could make it bearable.
Well - how in the world could I forget that in the space of a couple of days? Sure does apply right now. Maybe 'coz I'm hoping management will somehow rescure me... and the rest of the department... victim-thinking, again.
I'll think on this some more... some clues right HERE... in what I've written.
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OH CB - THANK YOU!!!! This is very, very helpful.
I have spent the weekend still in emotional upheaval; trying to get ready to leave for the beach next weekend - and deciding which projects are necessary; which I can let go... and then I was awakened in the wee hours of Sunday morning, by my brother. My Dad was admitted to hospital last week, with pneumonia again. This time, the doctors were saying they were doing everything they could; but they weren't sure if he'd last the night (he must have; I didn't hear otherwise). More than pneumonia: he'd had 2 seizures, fell, was dehydrated and his kidneys were failing.
So Sunday was frantic. Trying to get everything packed, in case I have to leave for MI before we go to NC on Saturday. Yard work, too. Housecleaning. I wasn't very kind to myself, either. As a result, I'm not feeling too well, physically - but oddly, the emotional side is beginning to clear. I think it has to do with preparing myself to let go of my dad.
Ya know: I've spent a whole lot of the healing process focussed on my mom; I gloss right over my dad. But the fact is: he is the "rescuer" that I felt abandoned by. He is the "hero" that I worshipped - because he was able to comfort me and stand between me & my mom. I thought he was a lot a things that he wasn't. He's not a very nice man, even though he can be extremely generous; a classic N - he likes this role of benefactor.
My Dad and I aren't close; we aren't intimate. I've gotten to know him more at the level of a business associate. So, faced with what looks like his final decline... I'm not overly sad. I almost expect myself to be sad, though. Through this expectation and the emotional reality, I realized that my childhood hero worship of my Dad was in his ability to be an antidote to my mom. He smoked; drank to excess on a regular basis - his way of running away from my Mom. His bad behavior led to my being vulnerable and becoming a target for the rapist. His behavior only made my Mom even worse than she normally was.
And when I was abandoned to being forced to be inappropriately intimate with my mother - what did I do? Pick up his way of dealing with her; his way of creating a boundary and reinforcing his separateness from her. It was the ONLY way that I'd been shown to deal with it. I FEAR intimacy because of how she misused this relationship with me.
Smoking truly IS a boundary for me - a way to avoid being infected with emotions that aren't my own; keeping crazymakers & their insanity at bay; the only self-defense I thought I had from my boundary-less, intrusive mother. Smoking was how I was able to be me - when she wouldn't let me.
Until this weekend, I was processing all this emotional stuff very rationally. Yes, I dove into lots of the feelings, a la Alice Miller style... but always I was trying to understand what had happened to me; what was keeping me locked in old habits and addictions. I slept long last night after relative sleeplessness Sat. night and Sunday's exertions.
Today, I feel very, very different. I feel that I am different somehow. As if there is something being expelled from me... or something else healing and becoming whole-er.
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PR, as I read you last post I had a thought - it occurred to me that as your smoking helped you create a barrier for the inappropriate intimacy your mother created just as your father had with smoking and drinking that perhaps now you can identify something else that will protect you and then you can swap a more healthy protection for the smoking.
I know it sounds over simplified and I haven't any idea how you would identify the smoking substitute but I thought I would put out the suggestion in case it resonated.
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Well, SS, funny thing...
One the one hand, I'm finding I don't have to "do" a thing... my sub/unconscious self seems to be doing it FOR me. I've frequently begun "forgetting" my smokes; even walked out of the store without them, right after buying them. And just now, I "dropped" the one I just lit outside of the jeep. I've had to make a conscious effort to remember to continue my habit - this, of course, out of old fear of the consequences of giving up this charade of a boundary. Smoking is becoming difficult, but of course, I persist.
As if I'm simply "becoming" a non-smoker, as this unification of myself takes place; as I finally understand the absolutely ABSURD rules I learned to live by. Additionally, my psychosomatic "symptoms" are all ganged up on the negative affects of smoking: switching brands is no help either; the only way I feel halfway decent physically: not smoking. And the funny thing is, that the less I smoke I find it's actually EASIER to manage those old emotional habits... I don't experience the anxiety, depression, or emotional chaos as much or as intensely.
As if smoking IS the TRIGGER for those old emotional patterns...
Not sure yet; still observing. Last week's chaos at the office got me thinking about why I let insanity around me actually affect my own feelings; upsetting me, making me anxious, waking up the wail I mentioned a couple posts ago. I do believe, it's 'coz I was actually EXPECTED to be responsible for fixing the insanity -- my mother's. Failing that, then I was supposed to feel what she felt. I finally connected this piece, when I remembered that my Dad had tried to encourage me to persuade my mom to go get stents for her heart disease... he was believing that I must have the ability to control her...able to reverse the process of what she did to me. I even tried; absolutely no headway as I expected.
As if smoking IS the TRIGGER for those old emotional patterns...
and letting this go (as it seems to be going, when I don't consciously think: time to smoke) might just the next step. Smoking never stopped the insanity before... but it did give the chance to be ME and not HER. Prone to magical thinking as a kid, I wonder how much power I assigned to this? Stripped of that "power"... I wonder how much of a hold the actual addiction has over me? Why don't I have the level of withdrawal symptoms, others report?
Finding a replacement for smoking is checked off the list. CBT 101. I've found a computer game I can play which is soothing, provides a mental break, seems to refresh me or adjust the left/right brain balance... and "satisfies" the need to reward myself. Best of all: no calories! :D So far, it's working better than anything else. It's a time out - to just be me. I have a copy at home - and a similar version for my handheld DS game... that I can take with me anywhere.
And it must stimulate parts of my brain that were off limits, so long. While playing, a jumbled assortment of little tidbits of memory come floating up to the surface - of me BEFORE - the Sh*t hit the fan. Huh. Just now realized that very few of these memories are of that time; they are all me BEFORE. Don't have a clue what that means... or if it matters.
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Amber...hon?
ANY possibility you could try the experience of clinical hypnosis to help you make the last step?
It is SOOO peaceful and healing.
Strengthens your ability to trust, to relax, to tap your calm that pre-existed trauma.
It really is amazing.
love to you,
Hops
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For what it's worth, Hops - I am able to hypnotize myself. Get to a calm soothing place in nothing flat. It's an underutilized skill, truthfully. I'm not in the habit of doing this for myself. You're absolutely right about hypnosis being helpful. But so is my campaign to rid myself of the emotional habits that sustained my addiction so long.
Spent some time today digging through info on dopamine - and it's relationship to adrenaline. Not so long ago, I considered myself an adrenaline-junkie. Just didn't feel like "me" without that rush-rush, panicked, compulsive fight/flight feeling. No more. But, I still have the reaction - the emotional habit - of responding that way in certain situations. And yes, I tend to smoke more in that state. Like I need to create some balance - equilibrium - to the excess adrenaline. While initially there was a brighter, mental-clarity effect from tobacco - of course tolerance to nicotine ups the amount needed.
I found a recent study that found that dopamine can also cause fear, when injected in mice in a section of the brain very near the "pleasure center". And it's curious - I wonder what would happen if one's neural pathways were scrambled? Like with a head injury? And then, there's my funny response to certain medications - the paradoxical effect - where I experience the opposite effect to what is "indicated". Especially when the dosage isn't dramatically reduced. This study goes a ways toward confirming my observation, intuition, that rather than creating calm... my long-time habit is only fueling an anxiety-response; keeping those adrenaline levels up; stimulating fear and it's emotional over-reactivity. Smoking isn't pleasurable anymore for me - not even the first one in the morning, when the need for nicotine is the strongest. If anything, it's become so UNpleasant... that I find it hard to believe that I am continuing to smoke.
Maybe I'm just using a susceptibility to self-deception here; making it up as I go along to match my intentional choice to quit... but functionally, how does that differ from auto-suggestion? I have to say though, I'm sure this single-topic issue fixation is getting boring & frustrating for people (I'm with ya there)... but it's all working to the same conclusion as hypnosis - convincing myself that it's safe now, to quit. That smoking was the flimsiest of boundaries - the illusion of a real, emotional boundary - and I don't have to settle for that, anymore.
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I'm not bored with you, Amber!
I think the act of trusting, when you do hypnosis with the help of a certified hypnotherapist, does something deeply healing that is different.
The transaction is direct, applied, intentional healing from one human being to another.
I found it very powerful. It saved my life.
(Tell me if you want me to drop it though, and I will. I know nagging is the opposite of help.)
love to you, still glad to listen,
Hops
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No, Hops - you don't have to drop it. I do appreciate what the act of caring from one human to another can mean for the healing process. I think you've already supplied that for me - as have others here. Thank you.
A la SS's thread on replaying old wounds: I've realized that this problem of smoking is keeping me locked in a self-perpetuating cycle or circle - my attempts to try to quit, my attempts to figure out the magic solution to how I can quit are keeping me locked into the naval-gazing position. It's Lbrain knowing it needs to quit - and realizing that without smoking - Lbrain ceases to be the "master". When the monkey becomes the master - or the horse of the cart isn't responding to the commands of the driver - then there's no cease to misery, chaos, and no final "answer" to the "why".
Misery triggers the old wounds... and then I'm off naval-gazing yet again, smoking - smoking - smoking... hoping that I find that magic solution. Ad infinitum.
As Twiggy, that intentional adoption of smoking was her silent cry for help - for wanting to belong somewhere, to some OTHER people - to escape. The wail: SOMEBODY SOMEWHERE PLEASE DO SOMETHING - OR LET ME belongs to Twiggy. My inner child who so desperately needed a caring, responsible parent. She can be a brat, too - when she uses smoking as the LOOK WHAT YOU MADE ME DO - which, of course, she learned from her mom as an acceptable way of being angry. Smoking was the boundary behind which, I could be me - and not my mother's projections.
Well - this morning, I realized that someone DID hear Twiggy. I did. And it's my task now, to be the caring, responsible parent and tell her that she has my permission to stop smoking now. It's no longer necessary to be silent about needing help. That this was not an effective boundary; it didn't work; it was only the illusion of a boundary. More crazy-making. In fact, I need to MAKE her stop smoking, if I truly am a responsible caring parent. That's what being responsible for yourself MEANS.
Being responsible for my SELF, was yet another thing I didn't learn in my FOO; like brushing your teeth twice a day.
The fact is, the reality is: there is no magic solution. There is only ONE PERSON who can quit: me.
Because of the brain-assist of nicotine, I believed that I "needed" this to pull myself out of the fog of dissociation & gaslighting. Wrong; it all became painfully clear on it's own, after a time.
I believed that smoking helped me hide or manage my feelings - a common belief of those of us who have PTSD symptoms - and this belief led to another: that not smoking would cause my feelings to go completely out of control. And of course - for me - this creates the pavlovian expectation of new, more, abuse. This is ALSO wrong. During my 3-day quit, I didn't have any out of control feelings - except for false need, the habit - to "work on myself" and naval-gaze. Which of course, is all part of the smoking ritual... part of the self-perpetuating cycle.
My inner child is helping as much as she can. Each and every cigarette exacts an immediate physical rejection response from me now. And it's only these desperate, shallow beliefs that are engraved on my left-brain beliefs/routines/habit/addiction that is keeping me saying: well, just one more. Or: after this meeting... or... that's the bargaining of Lbrain's addiction. The desperate monkey wanting to maintain the illusion of being the zen master.
So am I me: a responsible caring adult? Or am I just like my mother - helpless, addicted, and trapped in my own self-created hell?
Time to shit or get off the pot, even if it means I have to LET GO the habit of journaling the process and re-evaluating all the old original wounds.
Hubby said it a long time ago; before I remembered Twiggy; before therapy: you can't go forward if you're always looking at the past.
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I have come to the very same conclusion about myself.
I am reviewing and reviewing and reviewing. I needed to up until TODAY. Now I must get up and start moving. When I look back I must self-correct or turn into a pillar of salt. I couldn't move forward until today, but now I must.
Between yesterday and today I decided to let go of the healing analogy and move into the athletic training analogy.
I'm still sitting on the pot but during the past months the more I believed I could overcome the more I have. So even if I am sitting on the pot I am requiring of my own mind that I move forward - mentally until it becomes physically.
I have been amassing critical mass and suspect you have been as well.
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Don't know about the critical mass... maybe.
I use "practice" instead of training... practice means that I don't have to be perfect while I'm learning - to be me, in this case.
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Funny/weird thing happened this morning, while I was journalling...
completely out of context to my stream of thought, I wrote: "don't remember". I only discovered this phrase when I went back to review what I'd written - and at the time, I wondered: WHERE did this come from??? WHO did it come from???? "Don't remember" WHAT?????
At the time, the only association I could make to this phrase, was the commandment to forget what had happened to me - the trauma - and my self. But it seemed clear that the phrase came from my unconscious self - which persisted all along, even though I wasn't able to be aware of it or open to it, all these years.
But now: a thought just occurred to me. I'd forgotten my smokes in the jeep when I walked into work this morning. I was able to "let them go".... but I'm off to a meeting soon and my "habit" is to smoke while mentally preparing myself. As I was walking out to get them, I realized that I felt good enough to simply go get them - but not smoke. Then: it dawned on me......
my unconscious wants me to simply FORGET - don't remember - the cigarettes; the habitual link between certain things and smoking... just don't remember smoking is something I "do"... because it's not who I am.
Lbrain is laughing at this idea; calling it stupid; saying it can't be that easy. But maybe it IS. For me.
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Neat!
A smoke-free rivulet opening in the brain.
Your fine brain that has life force...driving it.
At the lizard/limbic level, our most powerful...you want to live.
Awesome.
xxoo
Hops
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Yes it's that easy but it's like the fictional overnight success (success after years of work.) Easy but standing on years of working towards it.
That's the thing that I have been looking for - the AHA experience when some black hole opens up and transforms in short order. It's a good thing and regardless of what happens tomorrow you had it today.
I'm glad for you. indeed - very glad.