Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival => Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board => Topic started by: Hopalong on September 12, 2008, 04:42:16 PM
-
The very-fundamentalist uncle has sent me a letter threatening to mail my mother copies of my D's indiscreet web page (before she realized my brother was reading it and took it down, but not before my brother happily photocopied her "shocking" banter w/friends) -- if I don't give up the POA. Because she (and I) are "full of iniquity" and I need to come to Jesus (literally) and then my brother will "forgive me". He threatens me with "calamity" if I don't cooperate. He actually calls my D "demonic". !! (Ummm...dirty, even anti-religious, talk in one's youth isn't exactly re-inventing the wheel. Sigh.)
Bear in mind, this would confuse, distress and really really hurt my mother (demented, half-paralysed, and my D is the light of her life).
Evidently, my brother has also sent copies to the few remaining relatives on NMom's side (also very fundamentalist). Bye-bye aunt, bye-bye cousins. I've always loved my relatives even though we're religiously and politically so different. I only see them about once every 5 or 10 years so I guess I'll get along without them. The pure viciousness of it, though...that hurt. (His whole point, of course.)
My lawyer says it's a threat and he's sending a copy to the guardian to give him an idea of their antics. The guardian ad litem is a good guy, so I think this may harm my brother's crusade (pun intended). Plus the fact that my uncle acknowledges in his letter that he doesn't know either D or me and has never spoken to me!
It's getting Faulknerian. If I didn't have white hair already...
Some people on that side of the family are twisted, imo. My grandfather having been a hellfire-and-brimstone preacher who raped his daughters. For certain one aunt, perhaps others. I guess he taught his son to be a fanatic, and maybe my brother got a variant of the gene? At least I feel more of a sense of validation that the genetic predisposition to abusive behavior is real...
Aaagggh.
Thank you. Very therapeutic.
I feel steel dripping into my backbone.
Hops
-
Ah Hoppy!!!
I am going to be blunt here..tell your brother that your Demon on line friend said to go F**k off....and to stop picking on your D for his fight with you....I hate cowards...who have to bring others into it, such as your elderly mother, and young D....but...don't you back down because his threats...he may come through with what he is doing..but you can handle it...Never again Hops...not for you..no more threats...nothing stops you...and you defend your D to the end...Sorry I can fight back and hold my own but when it comes to dragging my children into something...I'm a Freaking LIONESS and fangs showing...Back off my Babies...
This is an attack even on his own Mother....Is it only women he does it to?
Hoppy I'm sorry.. He is a very sick man.
Hang in there...
Love
Deb
-
Well Heavens above, Hops!
This is demonic!! This is sick.
Where did this Uncle come from? Have you been getting along or not all this while? EDIT
Brother started this too?
Fight it, Hops Go to it. No holds barred!!!
I think your brother has cut off his nose to spite his face.....is that how you see it too?
Good Luck
Love
Izzy
EDIT} sorry I forgot this part you said
Plus the fact that my uncle acknowledges in his letter that he doesn't know either D or me and has never spoken to me!
-
Hello Esteemed Hoppy-
Talk about the hobgoblins of small minds!!!!!Your daughter's expressions on the web are not dirty- perhaps indiscreet, but meant to hurt no one. Viciousness intended to damage innocents- that is dirty. She is a grown woman and what she does is her business (though this web thing can be problematic) This is the United States and thankfully we do not observe Sharia law here- women are are not chattel who can offend and be punished by their male relatives if there is some sort of addled perception of a female damaging the familial honor! Did her uncle pay for her college and grad school and living expenses, and spend countless hours lovingly communing with her as she grew up? Even if he did he should pipe down, and if not he needs to shut his stinking pie hole and get to work, instead of constantly plotting and grasping to get ahead on the backs of female relatives.
If anyone is supporating with filth, it is your daughter's twisted uncle- as you pointed out, the obsession with controlling the conduct of others through religion so often masks the shameful conduct of the truly perverse. It is more than creepy that your brother got so worked up and obsessed with the web chat he ferreted out- even if he thinks that he can use it as a red herring in order to take the court and your support system off the track of the truth and a just settlement of the issues, even so- it is downright yucky. What a tragic and miserable sort of soul he is. Unlike a real man, who seeks to make something of himself and help and defend his family, he somehow feels that his only way of surviving is to prey upon women, with tricks and connivances - he is less than half a man. I wish that he would cherish and help you and your mother, but that is not the reality here- and you can handle this and him, as you are so smart and strong, thank goodness (and you have so much goodness about you, Hoppy)
Sorry Dear One. But this new ploy may well backfire, and the clearing out of any tenuous support may well keep you from falling into a trap or wasting your time and sincere efforts on the unworthy (though I know in your kind heart and gentle nature no one is truly unworthy) The truth will out- Those who love you will not cling to hypocritical illusions about themselves and others, and will rally to your side- it is better to have a few or even one true person as your counsel and support than a crowd of "simpering sycophants" professing devotion...You can continue to care for the deluded types, but only count on those who truly love and support you Hoppy Wise Woman. You are so kind that you hate to write anyone off, and try to live in peace and affection with all...But guard your heart and security- that is one of our adult tasks, to face our reality clearly and still embrace our lives and loves...
It seems that your brother senses his position is weakening as far as the court case is concerned, and that you have not crumbled as he thought you would, so he is desperately trying more idiotic and unworthy schemes (so unmanly, almost like a spoiled junior high school girl who wants to be a cheerleader trying to destroy her rival), hoping to drag your daughter into the mud. Abusers typically attack the things that one values the most.This will ultimately not work, but I am saddened that you have been subjected to these sorts of pathetic and disgusting tricks in the interim. I am almost sorry for him- what a wreckage he is... But he is not doing what is right, and the best thing for him would be to stop all of this nonsense and beg your forgiveness...
My Dear Wise Hoppy- you are so loved and have done so much good in the world. Except for the hurt you mother may feel about being exposed to this tempest in a teapot ( though I think anything truly hurtful will be kept from her) hopefully this is just a distasteful episode which I think will fade completely from any but the most feeble of minds. Sorry you have been hurt- hope you do nice things for yourself and your daughter, and stay close to your friends and loved ones. You are precious!
Love From Your Friend,
Changing
-
Hops - the trial by fire that you are going through sounds so horrendous and exhausting.
I am a little confused about a couple of points - Is this your mother's brother? And you never met him? But is he close to your brother? Is he close to your mother? How would he know to find your daughter's web page?
Too many questions but I have a general sense of what is going on. I would guess (but am not sure) that you would tell him to mail away but that you are not surrendering POA. How much weight does the threat have over you? I can't tell. Is his threat as painful as your brother's intentional poisoning of the well with your relatives.
How appalling that anyone would reject you because they disliked the behavior or words of your daughters. (How appallling but how common - how extremely judgmental. Let me see - that would be behavior that would draw you or anyone toward their religious point of view wouldn't it? Now that's my idea of sharing the good christian gospel [NOT].)
Well a focus on the good side - boy is your brother shooting himself in the foot. That kind of mean spirited stuff will help your lawyers demonstrate that he is acting out of spite rather than out of your mother's best interest. That may ultimately destroy his own purpose. I am terribly, terribly sorry that you are under attack. I do so hope that you are finding a way to shield yourself from this horrendously negative energy.
All my best - SS
-
Boy, Hops.........those super fundamentalist people. I have a bad taste in my mouth lately just because of some bad people who do things under the umbrella of Christianity!! I hope everything works well with you. I know these kinds of things can be so awful. I have heard when there is money involved people get bad!!
-
Hops,
You can't make this stuff up!!
Reminds me of when I first started therapy (before I learned about Ns & disordered people) and my therapist asked me if my family members were mentally balanced. I answered 'Yes", they have their quirks, but everyone's pretty normal.
Now, if someone asked me that question today, I'd say almost all my relatives are disordered in some way (N, BPD, who knows), but the worse thing is that they are very unsupportive of me & negative to me. My relative's lack of support & negative intentions are far worse then their disordered minds.
This latest incident shows how petty, crazy & nasty they are. Yes, vicious, but also stupid, irrelevant & harrassing. Your daughter's web page has nothing to do with this.
IMO, your brother has triangulated your uncle into this. It's an insult to your existing injury.
Put up your force field boundary shields so their negativity cannot touch you.
xoxo,
ann
-
Hi Hops,
I agree with ann3 that you are being triangulated. Let them triangulate with your lawyer.
Sorry things are so messy.
Big hugs,
tt
-
((Hops))
I am outraged!
Keep on standing up with your head held high. Your brother is a sick, sadistic coward. I agree with all of dear friends above, so eloquently expressed.
You are loved so much, this is so painful to witness.
Hops, I am also so sorry to hear they have dragged your daughter in this. Web page, oh my gosh, give me a bread, silly old fools!
Keep standing tall dear friend. You are being sent positive thoughts of goodness, that will over come such evilness. And you will prevail!
love and support sent to you and your daughter. ox seasons
-
Dear Hopes,
Did you really come from these people??????
People who are "right" all the time are the scariest of all. I have never felt as happy as when I accepted "live and let live." Your uncle is a whack-job.
Oh, Hops, keep your head up. I am so glad you took it all to the lawyer. Obviously you have them running scared or they wouldn't come up with all these crazy things. They know you are good and truthful and it scares them.
Love, Beth
-
(((Hops)
I'm so glad you're finding strength.....
instead of letting your brother blackmail you.
It's unfortunate his actions will likely confuse and hurt your mother but....
you can't control that.
Stay strong and be careful.
Lighter
-
Everybody,
I'm overwhelmed by your kindness and support. THANK YOU.
I need a little more time to collect my thoughts...I've been so reluctant to type another word about it.
But you have helped so much.
I'll respond more tomorrow.
thanks again.
love,
Hops
-
Wow. Just read this (original) post. It would be so difficult to navigate the craziness of this situation with calmness and aplomb. I'm sorry you have to try. There seems to be a pattern of adult males attacking younger females (your grandfather, your uncle). I agree that there is a genetic predisposition to abusive behavior, and I also think, to the mental disorders that can lead to that behavior. The creepiness of an uncle reading his niece's web page, photocopying, sending--whoa. So sorry, so sorry. But I can't help but think that however embarrassing for your daughter and/or you (or not, really, anti-religious and/or dirty? C'mon, that's par for the course), exposure might be the best thing that could happen. There's very little a teen could post on a web page that would shock the average normally adjusted adult, esp. anyone involved in the legal system. But your uncle's actions will raise lots of eyebrows--it seems likely this attempt at blackmail will blow up big time in his face. Here's hoping.
-
OH HOPS...
I read this, this morning and was just dumbfounded at how low some people will stoop.
Wish I could pack you up and take you to OBX with me! We leave in 2 weeks - for a 2 week stay. You could watch dolphins and write poetry... or just be lazy with me.
-
Hops,
They always try and isolate and ostracize within the family, but their own words hang them outside of it, in court, where the family dynamic doesn't operate.
This is unpleasant but in the long run works to your advantage.
They never seem to realize what they sound or look like to others.
Hang in there, you'll win.
mud
-
Dear, good friends.
I am very moved by your support and want to at least tell you the difference it's made.
I have been sliding into paralysis again. One sick response I've had to my brother's and uncle's attacks has been to go limp, begin a slide toward depression. Bills are due, I have things I must take care of. Mom's and my own. Yet I still crawled from home to work with hardly any energy beyond what it took to get through the day and crawl onto my bed afterward. I played one weekend and stayed in bed all the next.
Energy was part of the issue (been neglecting my nutrition and not exercising). But depression is the rest.
Last night, for the first time in a while, I took a good walk with a friend (and old pooch) and even though I woke up too early this morning, I STAYED up. I had read every one of your messages before bed and first thing this morning, I read them again.
The shame and sadness eased enough for me to get up and get about things. Absurd what a struggle it is.
I have to use the next 2 hours to get it done so can't linger. But thank you, thank you.
I will update you soon, and meanwhile, I can't express how much I appreciate your caring and your fighting words.
Much love and support back to you, each of you, for your own chapters you're going through.
It's just a chapter, ain't the book.
Hugs and thanks from a very grateful
Hops
-
Despite what a struggle it is, Hops, I'm thinking you ought NOT to live up to the expectation of paralysis and depression.
This is exactly what the uncle & brother want. And you are not responsible for fulfilling their expectations. Imagine how puzzled they'd be, if you simply shrugged it off - if it didn't hurt, if it didn't matter to you. If it didn't even rate any significance in your life.
-
I agree with PR. But I find it very, very difficult to do.
I have spent the past 2 years reading and discovering all kinds of ways to develop the kinds of thoughts to turn my own mind around and learn to reject such horrendous cruelty.
How do we NOT react. Years ago a psychologist/rabbi who was a Bowenian "family system" guy counseled me to learn to be a "non-reactive" presence in the midst of anxiety. Great concept but difficult to do. It has taken so much more than those simple but precise words.
My favorite technique is one I have written about for the 2 long years I have been here:
1) call the attack - A Lie
2) reject the lie
3) identify the truth
4) believe the truth and repeat it over and over again until it takes root over the lie.
As you find yourself reacting in depression or anxiety or what ever, recognize that those feelings are in response to a lie and keep talking to your reaction. "I am depressed because I have bought their lie. I reject it. I reject this depression. ......." It sounds ridiculous and it is not instantaneous but it does work. I'm living to tell it.
-
Sometimes you need down time to mourn the hurtful things your brother and uncle are doing to you, Hops.
Don't beat yourself up for becoming paralyzed....
but recover and find energy to do what needs doing.
However imperfectly..... you'll get through this.
((((Hops)))) I bet getting up and getting things done felt very good.
One nice feeling leads to another.
Lighter
-
Huuuuuge thanks, everyone. I am feeling better.
I apologize for not thanking each of you individually for your warmth and insight and caring.
Thought you might be cheered to know that I gave this article to my lawyer because it NAILS exactly what's been happening.
http://samvak.tripod.com/abuse11.html (http://samvak.tripod.com/abuse11.html)
He was very receptive and got it. ("I see we're dealing with a really nasty character.")
I also gave him one about how to challenge a narcissist. He did that immediately in response to an email from my brother...challenged him in a slightly snide way ("It's a simple questions, Mr. X...") and immediately got a flashed-back NO! from my brother. Which the lawyer forwarded to me, with exclamation points.
Sounds like no big deal, but it was great to me, because it showed me my lawyer is sharp, had paid attention to the N material sent him. So I do feel he'll advocate well if we wind up in court.
Hopefully, my brother will give up before the hearing, but if he doesn't, no matter the ultimate outcome, I believe his grandiosity and cruelty will be well exposed. So either way, I'll be okay.
Even if I should lose I will be okay. Dawned on me that is simply a decision.
Love you all,
Hops
-
How Wonderful Hops!
Your lawyer 'got it' and understands, and Sam is verbose.
("It's a simple questions, Mr. X...")
What a wonderful put-down---.....and are you too simple to answer it?!!!
You're on a roll, Hops. Good for your sticktoitiveness. WE all knew you were strong enought to face those problems.
Great!
Izzy
-
Thanks, Izz...and ((((((((((everyone))))))))))...
CB, you asked about my D. At first, it hit her hard that she's just lost another chunk of family.
Then, she got angry.
Ever since, she's been consistently a champion, caring and supportive adult child and friend.
I know she feels badly that he's used her reckless web page that way, but she knows I don't care. He had no right and though I didn't like some of the stuff either, I never judged her for it (and never invaded that boundary anyway...).
I feel closer to her, in an adult way, than ever before. So that may be the silver lining.
She was more angry than hurt and I am really glad that was her response. She said, "Mom, I'm not a violent person, but I am certain that if I saw my uncle I would hit him in the nose." She was actually kind of stunned by that, but was telling the truth.
I don't advocate violence but I completely understand why she feels that way. (I would likely be standing by with an ice pack for her fist. Never mind his nose...he'd be running.)
She made an A in graduate statistics, which certainly re-proves she got her Dad's brain not mine, and she's doing very well in school. She's thriving on intellectual challenge, and just got a tutoring job, that takes her into various schools in Miami. She's challenged and enjoying it and I'm so proud of her!
I'm just frustrated that right now I can't afford a flight to go see her, because we miss each other. But finances are so tight I'm about to give up my phone line. (The minister will split a cable bill that will include DSL.)
Anybody heard of Skype.com? I've been using that for long distance, and I'm about to make it my local line too so I can ditch the phone company entirely. For $3 a month you can make unlimited local and long distance calls, US and Canada. Just need to buy a $10 headset.
Another option I'm checking out is magicjack.com. I'll do whichever seems cheaper.
love
Hops
-
Hops - in August I got a cable/internet bill that was way too high - almost double July. So I called them. Apparently my "signing deal" had expired. He tried to sell me on their phone service - nope - I've got AT&T and I'm sticking. OK just out of curiousity what is your phone deal, I asked. As it turns out they offered me local PLUS unlimited long distance, voice mail, call waiting, caller ID and I don't know what else for less than I was paying for LOCAL only on AT&T. When they bundled it with my cable and internet it came out to be exactly the price of the new cable/internet bill - all three for less than I was paying for cable/internet/local phone in July.
Long point short - have you called cable or phone to negotiate a better rate or a package that might be more feasible and even better than what you have? I was surprised and profoundly thankful.
-
The very-fundamentalist uncle has sent me a letter threatening to mail my mother copies of my D's indiscreet web page (before she realized my brother was reading it and took it down, but not before my brother happily photocopied her "shocking" banter w/friends) -- if I don't give up the POA. Because she (and I) are "full of iniquity" and I need to come to Jesus (literally) and then my brother will "forgive me". He threatens me with "calamity" if I don't cooperate. He actually calls my D "demonic". !! (Ummm...dirty, even anti-religious, talk in one's youth isn't exactly re-inventing the wheel. Sigh.)
Bear in mind, this would confuse, distress and really really hurt my mother (demented, half-paralysed, and my D is the light of her life).
Evidently, my brother has also sent copies to the few remaining relatives on NMom's side (also very fundamentalist). Bye-bye aunt, bye-bye cousins. I've always loved my relatives even though we're religiously and politically so different. I only see them about once every 5 or 10 years so I guess I'll get along without them. The pure viciousness of it, though...that hurt. (His whole point, of course.)
My lawyer says it's a threat and he's sending a copy to the guardian to give him an idea of their antics. The guardian ad litem is a good guy, so I think this may harm my brother's crusade (pun intended). Plus the fact that my uncle acknowledges in his letter that he doesn't know either D or me and has never spoken to me!
It's getting Faulknerian. If I didn't have white hair already...
Some people on that side of the family are twisted, imo. My grandfather having been a hellfire-and-brimstone preacher who raped his daughters. For certain one aunt, perhaps others. I guess he taught his son to be a fanatic, and maybe my brother got a variant of the gene? At least I feel more of a sense of validation that the genetic predisposition to abusive behavior is real...
Aaagggh.
Thank you. Very therapeutic.
I feel steel dripping into my backbone.
Hops
GRRRRRRRRR!!!!! *Fangs showing!!!!* Can we say "blackmail"? If he sent me a letter like that, I'd tell him to go F**K himself!
Bones
-
Dearest Hoppy-
You are involved in an extended war, and the things seem to be turning your way. War is costly and unfair- but perhaps the phone issue and plane ticket can be handled... I don't know about Skype, but I do know that a part of the telecommunications deregulations includes the encouragement of rival small companies. There are flat fee cell companies with less expensive plans that allow you to transfer your land-line number over, etc. Is there any way to set aside a bit a month or hold a yard sale to help with the plane ticket- you dfeserve to bask in the glory of your accomplishments and get love and support...Also, could your lodger defray the cost of a phone, as he doesn't have to pay rent currrently?
Congratulations on your daughter's accomplishments in statistics and in her life's journey...Awesome!!! You are a great mommy and everything else is small potatoes in comparison!!!
Love to Our Tribal Wise Woman,
Changing
-
Skype's good, Hops. With a webcam, you can also see each other...Also check out Vonage.
-
Hiya Hops,
Just wanted to let you know that when I pop in here I read your threads. I don't have much of use to add but I wanted you to know that I am thinking of you, sending you good thoughts and vibes and stuff and keeping you in my prayers. Wish I could wave a magic wand and make the whole thing go away but alas.
(((((((Hops)))))))
Sela
-
Sela, you dear, thank you.
You are always one of the warm voices I "hear" in VESMB even when you don't have time to post.
Support received, appreciated, and thank you.
You put the friend in friendly, my friend.
love,
Hops