Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival => Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board => Topic started by: Overcomer on September 21, 2008, 09:28:43 AM
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In Karyl McBride's new book "Never Good Enough" she introduces the concept of the Collapse.
This is when my mother said to me, "Well the psychologist said he thinks you might have Borderline Personality Disorder when I told him about your emotional instability and angry outbursts."
I plummeted into a week long depression. I felt like I was punched in the gut.
Then after reading her new book I understand that my mom has sent me into THE COLLAPSE so many times. Saying something to me about me that labels me some kind of an unstable, messed up person. Even though I understand that it is SHE that has NPD, she can still make me spiral emotionally out of control!!
Anyone else experience THE COLLAPSE?
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Oh Kelly
I understand, totally. I have felt that punch in the stomach thousands of times, hundreds of thousands of times,probably.So, is the book confirming your own reality? I never heard of the term "collapse" before but I have BEEN through it ,for sure. Ami
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Ami, this is a must read for you. You can get it on Amazon for like $16.32. It is written specifically for women whose mothers have NPD. I had never heard it labeled The Collapse before but it hit the nail on the head!!! I know what the collapse is and as long as I am with my mother, I expose myself to the possibility of her trying to put me in my place..........and me experiencing the collapse. I cry. I get angry. She labels me and I die!!!
THAT IS WHY, I AM LOOKING FOR ANOTHER JOB! I cannot risk her verbally forcing me into this........
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Hi kelly,
The collapse?????? OH YEEEEESSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!
I know it well. Sometimes, it took me days to recover. Must get this book.
Good luck with your job search.
xoxo,
ann
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Kelly,
If you don't mind, can you tell us more about the book? What really resonates with you?
Thanks,
xoxo,
ann
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OC,
Colapse - yes, yes, yes! The book sounds very interesting with good insights.
tt
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http://www.nevergoodenough.com/
The reason I was so interested in it was because I was interviewed for over an hour by Dr. McBride. I was so looking forward to seeing my story in print. Well, at the beginning of the book she tells the reader that mostly the stories were composites of several of her interviewees. I saw a couple of Kellyisms in there but my story was NOT obvious.......
Anyway, I read it cover to cover looking for my story. While reading I discovered this whole collapse business. I had never heard it put that way but it makes perfect sense.....
She starts by identifying N behaviors. Then she goes on to tell how we suffer and some of the reactions and symptons we suffer.
But the cool thing is in the third part she offers us steps to get over it all. I haven't sat down and done the exercises yet but they all sound very good. I realized that I am well on my way.....I feel sorry for someone who just figures it all out and has a ton of work to do. The anger, etc. has already been done by me. I have raged and raged and raged..............for nearly seven years. Thank God I am at the tail end of it all.
It validates me. I think that is so important to me....to be validated!
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AH!
The Collapse
The punch in the gut!
We all might have our own terms for that... because I recognize the dynamic and what I have called it is that 'I could feel myself from the outside be pulled into my centre and end up as a helpless little ball sourrounded by an otherwise empty body'., and I would be speechless.: at a total loss for words to defend myself.
I felt that from my father's rages, so it began back then and anytime in the following years, if that happened, I recognized it as something I had lived with for many years.
I felt it from my son-in-law's rages and obvious dislike for me, and I had no words to say.
I felt it from the N's rages that 'went on forever' until I could hear only the noise, not the words, and I had no words.
Since I've put me together, the best way I can, I have avoided anyone of that rageful nature and I also know what I would do. I would speak up for myself and against that person, or I would leave the room---that is hard to do in a wheelchair--I know from experience how I cannot leave quickly and close a door on the offender... grab my crutches and walk down steps and drive away, in a snap!
Yep I can see that what I felt was a 'collapse'.... within me
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Is the collapse the same thing as the shame spiral? You feel like you will fall apart and just become a puddle on the floor. Ami
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Thanks, Kelly. Got to get the bk.
IMO, yes, Ami, the shame spiral or as Izzy said, when someone rages at us & reduces us to a helpless ball.
IMO, the collapse is caused by (as others has coined the phrase) "soul murder", when someone treats us in a way that we feel they have destroyed us.
xoxo,
ann
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Then you get to the point that you are walking on eggshells because you never know when they will pull the rug out from underneath you.
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I have spent my WHOLE life trying to run from the collapse(shame spiral)--URGGGH
Ami
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That's it. I also have called it spiralling out of control. I could never believe how much power my mother's words have over me. A look. A sentence. She makes me melt......into a puddle. Like Iz said, collapsing into ourselves.....
Well, I aim to avoid that collapse by taking myself OUT of the circumstances which cause my collapse...
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My problem with the collapse is that I am running away from it ,constantly. I am trying to avoid feeling that shame all life situations.
Ami
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Kelly - I called the collapse the Black Hole.
This is where I "gave up" - my right to define my SELF, who I am - and let my mother project all her crap onto me. And yes, I also experienced the "walking on eggshells" part - where any time I deviated from the projection - look OUT for the immediate abuse.
It's taken 28 years of not living with her - but still dealing with her - (and 4 years of intense therapy & self-examination) to solve all the mysteries... to finally see that I can simply BE my self - and "nothing bad happens". Still getting used to this, still discovering WHO I am, without the projection cloaking me... still trying to develop confidence in my SELF, as I am.
Still rejecting/removing the old B&W rules about being... that kept me looking back for understanding instead of simply walking away - moving on.
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Good stuff.
I think of the collapse as the fear of being alone with myself.
Having been trained to be so over-attentive to NMom, and so over-obedient, w/o someone else's demands driving me, I have trouble driving myself.
Most days, it shows as lack of motivation for getting things done that will benefit me. Lack of order, organization, taking control of my time.
In moments when there's reall collapse, it's about feeling unbearably alone, but I'm no more alone than I am at other times, when I'm fine.
I'd like to figure it out.
xo
Hops
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Hops,
That is a brilliant point!
When I used to feel that I was OK, I did not collapse if people did not like me. When I feel badly about myself(which is mostly), I collapse when I am shamed by others. Ami
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Hops - the answer for me lay in responsibility...
I spent so much energy, time, neurons being "responsible" for my mom - and so feared her reaction to me if I DARED be myself - that I simply became used to this odd situation and didn't learn to be responsible for me. Didn't have to - wasn't allowed to - because that meant I wasn't 100% focussed on MOM'S needs, ya know?
I've been having to examine what it means to be responsible to - and for myself. It's things like allowing myself to take breaks - like other people. Caring about appearance. Caring about my house. Taking care of what matters to ME.
I know that feeling of alone, too - when a child is parentified - it's like being marooned on a desert island; lost in a crowd in the city - where is my parent??????
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PR,
I think that is happening to my friends children. They take care of their mom, the house, her emotional needs, so on. They are fighting back now though at least the 12 year old. They have told her that they think she does get child support and do not believe she does not. She does. Mom argued and said it is not true. Then was reduced to tears because she is caught, you think? I know she does not feel bad spending the money on her own clothes.
Love
Deb
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Good for them, Deb! That warms my heart.
I tried fighting back - but the abuse got upped to unbearable levels. She shunned me completely until I submitted. Rather than fight - I set my sights on escape. Only problem is, I didn't realize that the thing I was "escaping" was embedded in me - so it followed me everywhere.
It's pretty "fixed", now... only this one last hill to climb.
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Thanks, Ami and Amber.
I think I'm still feeling as though taking care of the space ISN'T taking care of me.
Since the house is in limbo, and I don't know whether I can stay, and there's all that with my brother.
I believe I'll have a great joy in nesting when I finally land somewhere I can stay.
But the paperwork...now, that IS taking care of my needs, because if I don't do it well, I could lose big. And legally.
So that is an eternal struggle. Taking care of myself physically every day helps...eating right and exercising. I really let that go recently.
It's weird, I'm chaotic about it. If I take care of myself in one area, I tend to let all the others go flop.
For example, accepting dates with nice men has become a pleasant way to take care of my need for male company.
So I get all delighted about that but on a weekend when I DON'T have a social plan, I laze and decay and don't make progress with the other areas. And there's no evidence that social isolation is anything but a passing issue, and all I have to do is schedule things to make it different. But it's really easy to slip into total immobility.
Glad we're talking about this as a weekend is coming.
xo
Hops
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So would that be called a semii-collapse......when you are up in one area but the others go to pot??? I find myself falling apart in some areas some times.....other times I have it ALL together......but those are few and far between.
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Works for me, OC... :?
One big gift has come my way.
The minister's wife is a natural ORGANIZER!
I told her I had no opinion about the first floor, no attachment, no turfy feelings, no preferences, and she was welcome to do ANYTHING.
She's practically alphabetized the kitchen. It's amazing.
I am not on the first floor much but I am so lucky these people are living here.
I am hoping I'll be receptive enough to their healthy energy that I'll wake up and take better care of my life.
xo
Hops