Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival => Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board => Topic started by: Elaine1966 on October 23, 2008, 05:06:39 PM
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Hey guys,
I have not corresponded with the board in months! I have been really busy but wanted to write and say hi and ask for some encouraging words. In the past, you guys got me thru some rough times and I am here again.
I had taken my N fiance back after I took a trip to the Dominican over spring break (some of you may remember). I came back and he became a changed man.....(for about 3 months). The requirements that I requested as a condition of us getting back together (ie. go to Church, attend counseling etc) slowly began to diminish until they ceased.
I bought a house in August, which was very exciting as I am a single parent. He conveniently pulled his back out and could not help me move....yet he could go to work (putting in shelves in houses). In fact, my first night in the house, physically and emotionally exhausted, I slept on the floor as I did not have my bed put together and didn't know how to put it together. I pleaded with him to come and help me. I even stated that he didn't have to physically help but just give me guidance on how to put it together. I was told that he was too tired from his day at work and that his back hurt and he was going home to relax. Needless to say, I slept on the floor and my 22 year old son, took half a day off of work the next morning and came to my rescue. In fact, he helped me with all kinds of odds and ends that I needed a man's assistance with. What a great kid!
Since I purchased the new house, he would only come over to my house one time per week, even though, he would be in town on a daily basis. He never offered to help me with things, and never even asked if I needed anything. I feel like I can not count on him for ANYTHING, everytime I need him, he is never there. Maybe I am expecting too much from a "supposed fiance."
Anyways, I got tired of being in a relationship where I never saw my fiance and in fact, he didn't even really care about being in my life other than the one time per week. I broke it off with him this weekend, well, told him I needed space. For 5 days he has phoned, text, emailed etc. that now he wants to go to Church, he wants to be at my house at least 3 times per week, he wants to make all these changes. Why does it take leaving before they "see the light?" It is very confusing to me because you want so bad to believe them, but I fear after a matter of time, he will just go back to the old self. Because of my wavering back and forth, my therapist proposed me signing a "No Contact Contract" with my closest friends and her. Well, I did that last night....whoooohooooo. It was very difficult for me, in fact I almost backed out at the last minute. I told him what I was doing so that he would not become angry at me "ignoring" him and show up on my door step. Well, I then got an email back stating basically that for the past few years he has been miserable and needs to find himself again. He then stated that he had a lot of thinking to do and would not take my calls until he is ready! Imagine that....after I am telling him that I will have no cotact with him......guess he is trying to regain control of the situation??
Anyways, I need to get back to work. Just wanted to check in with you guys since it's been a long time. I also know that I am very vulnerable right now, I go from weak to strong and need all the support I can get from those who can relate.
Hope everyone is well in their lives,
(((((((((((((((((Elaine)))))))))))))))))))))
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hi Elaine,
I am happy to hear you are not seeing him, and I hope never again.
They never "see the light". They just remember the words that worked last time. The old way is their only way and it is unacceptable.
So stand your ground, like breaking off, he will beg and plead and you can tell him to have a wild trip to Hell, or whatever, but don't YELL. Be calm and sure of yourself. He'll get the point eventually that you are in your space and he had better not walk across the line.
Good going
Izzy
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Elaine..
The joy of a new place, new space.
Don't pollute it with this selfish baby in a man's body.
Wait. Heal. Plant something that grows.
Love your space. Your son. Make new friends.
Have your own life for a while...a good while.
love
Hops
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Izzy and Hops,
GREAT hearing from you! Thanks for support and encouragement, it is so needed right now. I never knew this could be so difficult, but the sad fact is...I still love him. I don't have a clue why...but I do. I know this relationship has not been healthy and hopefully with the support of everyone in my circle, I can keep away from him.
I will continue to read your kind words...it helps me get one foot in front of the other.
(((((((((((((Elaine))))))))))))))))
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Dear Elaine
Have you had a FOO(family or origin) relationship that feels like this one ?Think back and see if you can come up with a similar emotional climate as this relationship.
If you want to share about it, I will be here . Ami
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Elaine - you posted this on April 4th:
About a week before I left, my fiance started changing his whole tune about me, him, and us. He has (at least for now) done a 360 turn. How long it will last......don't know! He is reading several books I recommended, he is going to counseling and has been treating me a like a queen. It has been really amazing to see this man transform into a decent man.
Sound familiar?
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Elaine:
Ditto what Hops said. Ditto what Izzy said. Ditto what Ami and GS said. He says what he needs to say to achieve whatever result he desires at any given moment. You'll be like catch and release forever, over and over, reeled in, tossed out, reeled in, tossed out. Value yourself, your life, your son, your past contributions and those you want to make in the future, and go for it. You deserve the life you want to have, you deserve sanity and constancy and there are other fish in the sea (if you'll forgive the ongoing metaphor).
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All of you are sooooo right, this is why I love this board. You guys keep me focused. I loved how Gaining Strength went back to my old post....I honestly forgot about that. Boy....was that an eye opener. Ami, please elaborate on your comment about FOO (family Origin), I would like to know more about what your saying.
Today is another day.....I will think about ALL your thoughts today. I need that constant reminder from you guys.
I appreciate your comments more than you could ever know!
((((((((((Elaine)))))))))))
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Once I started learning about FOO(family of origin) patterns and how they effect present life , my life started having new meaning.
I will tell you about how it works in my life and hopefully, you can see the pattern of how it might work in yours.
I could not attach to my M. I was looking for a M in my relationships with men. I was looking to attach to a man .
In my current relationship,if he pulls away, I have the panic of death come over me.
I feel like I will go in to the abyss.
I replay the way I interacted with my M. For example, I try to be "good" so he(my M) will love and approve of me. I realized (after 8 months) that I was twisting myself for his approval, as I did for my M.
Suddenly, I saw that I was always running away from feeling I was "bad". I thought I was fighting with him, but I was fighing with MY concept of myself.
I had a huge insight and did repair some of my self concept of feeling "bad"
There are many wonderful books that show how FOO replay such as Jean Jensen's Reclaiming Your Life.
I think you will find many new avenues opening up when you can see things in this light, Elaine. Write some more if you want to share . Ami
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Hi there, Elaine...
I've got only one piece of advice: don't worry about why you still love him - just accept that emotion as a fact, for the time being - and go on keeping your no-contact contract, creating and maintaining that boundary. Focus, as Hops says, on YOU and your life.
Later on, if the "love" still exists, there'll be plenty of time to investigate why. From a position of solid self-image, a whole life, clear thinking and safety. Ami's right about looking for clues in your FOO... but since he's out of the picture and you're not miserable about it... it might be wise to let this go for while; come back to it later.
You do, after all, deserve all the benefits of your new life - without always looking over your shoulder to the past.
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When someone shows you who they are.....
believe them.
Congratulations on your new home.
Lighter
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Thanks Lighter for your congrats....appreciate that. Phoenix, I am miserable about him being out of my life. I am still an emotional basketcase. I feel like I am grieving, why is this so hard? Sometimes I feel like I should just accept him for who is but then I have those around me constantly telling me I deserve better!
Ami, I am still trying to figure out this FOO thing, I am guessing this goes back to your childhood? I know alot of my issues stem from my upbringing. I had a wonderful childhood and very blessed to have the parents I have (who are still married). But I was the oldest and I was "an accident." I was told by my mom that the day she "had" to get married was the worst day in her life because she humiliated her parents. She was so embarrassed, etc. etc., but they love me with all their heart. I know her intentions were not bad but as a small child I perceived it as bad. I know that I am loved, my parents have been wonderful. However, according to my therapist, I feel guilty, I feel to blame and I feel I am not good enough. Is this kind of what you mean with the FOO?
Gjazz, your "catch and realease" comment is perfect. This is what my therapist says he will do it to me FOREVER! That really hit home with me. My therapist also said that I always attach to men who are controlling, "need fixing," insecure, etc. She is working with me on realizing that I deserve to be treated better and keep attaching to men that make me feel "guilty, I am to blame, and not good enough." I found this very eye opening.
Any thoughts?
Thank you all.......your words are really helping me to understand this mess I am in!
(((((((((((((((Elaine))))))))))))))))))
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Elaine,
You are a goddess and I am so proud of you for taking such hard steps. You realize he will NEVER be there for you and you are just a convenience for him. Be proud and be glad that you are smart enough to get away! I am so glad you have such a lovely son who sounds like a REAL MAN and who will help you and stand by you. I know you don't want him to see you with anyone you wouldn't be proud to call your other half!!!!!!
Keep checking in!! I love hearing about people becoming healthy!!!
Love, Beth
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Dear Elaine,
I know ,for me,that my deep feelings of worthlessness and shame come up over and over again in all my relationships. I need people to affirm me and give me a sense of my own identity.
I feel that I have to get these outside things in order to feel that I even have the right to exist.
It is an awful place to be.
Ami
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Elaine:
My thought is this: ask yourself what you get--genuinely--from these relationships. Because there IS something. I've asked myself why my mom married my NF. It wasn't that she was stupid, or that he hid all of who he was (though he certainly hid some, don't get me wrong). But. She WANTED to hand over control. She wanted that perfect 1950s fiction, to stay home, have children, have beautiful clothes and nice cars and social position and a boyish, silly, innocuous husband who helped out and we all kinds chuckled at from time to time, Oh dad, what a goof, so goodhearted. NOT that there's anything inherently wrong with that, please don't misunderstand. We all have a right to want what we want.
I'm saying when we ARE what we DESIRE. That's what we move toward, that's what our actions serve. This is going to sound incredibly superficial, but when I was 23 or so, I decided the most important thing I could do was cure myself of needing to feel sheltered by my background. The fact that we had STUFF made me feel protected growing up, but I was not safe. I tried twice to kill myself. My father tried to kill my mother. And this is just physical danger, we aren't even touching on emotional/psychological danger.
So I moved across country to a city I'd never set foot in with $2,000 dollars to my name (20 years ago) and lived in the Salvation Army. It was cold and raining and I had no job and no friends. Cried like a baby for two days and nights, sitting on a sagging bed with a bathroom down the hall. There's no place lonelier than a metropolis as the holidays set in. On Thanksgiving I wandered up the avenues and looked in glowing windows where families were eating dinner together. I didn't even have the proper clothes, coming from a hot climate--I was cold inside and out. Day after day, I kept walking. Miles and miles. I started to love that little room and that sagging bed. It was MINE. I started sleeping, and realized I'd never slept well before. I felt safe, really safe. I got a job. Not a good one, but I'm still friends with the people I worked with, two decades later. Then, after a few months, I realized I'd begun smiling for no reason. Just walking around the city, people would smile at me, and it was because I was smiling at them. Had NO IDEA! I had no money. And it didn't matter.
I just needed to break what had been the one thing TYING ME TO MY ABUSER, not because HE insisted on it. I'll tell you what: I know now that money made me feel safe, may father's daughter, under his wing. But even then there was a part of me that knew at some level he would always yank whatever I needed or wanted or cared about away, that the more I depended on him the more pleasure he would have gotten from keeping me off-balance and fearful.
Leaving was one of the happiest and most transformative times in my life. Granted, I had only myself at the time, it was something I COULD do and nobody else--no kids, no pets--would go hungry. I'm just using it as an example from my past of saying: here's what tied me down. I'm not saying you don't have the right to want something from this man in your life. I'm saying that and....oh, say, $1.50 will get you a small Starbucks. If it's possible to identify what IN YOURSELF ties you to him, could you then take specific deliberate steps to walk away, and replace what he seems to offer with something you provide for yourself?
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Wow, gjazz your story was amazing, thanks for sharing.! I can't even imagine doing what you did 20 years ago, that says so much for you and the type of person you are...just amazing! My question is......how do I figure out what has kept me with him? I feel this is the big million dollar question......why, why, why????? My therapist asks me all the time, what do you get out of this relationship and all I can say is really nothing other than occasional companionship.
Ami, I feel that I am the same way as you are...I need someone to affirm me and give me that sense of identity all the time....your right it's a sad place to be.
Gratitude, thanks for your praise and encouraging words. And your right, my son is fabulous, he is such a great man, I am so proud of him. Thanks for complimenting him! My sister agrees with what you say...I am just a convenience for my N fiance (now ex).
You are all a blessing for me right now.........I can't thank you enough. This is so difficult for me.
(((((((((((((((((Elaine))))))))))))))))))
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I wasn't brave, just desperate.
The only thing I can say about figuring out what keeps you with him is: be honest with yourself. Don't be embarrassed. Don't be ashamed. That's so much of what we deal with as a result of relationships with Ns. If it's great sex, hey, let it be that. If it's that you're embarrassed to be single or feel your friends will think you're a loser if you're single, there it is. I'm just guessing and these are kind of common ones. My point is to remove any blocks to your consciousness, accept WHATEVER it is, because that way, at least in my experience, you can find other things to fill that void.