Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board

Voicelessness and Emotional Survival => Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board => Topic started by: Izzy_*now* on December 01, 2008, 07:30:26 PM

Title: Get a load of this................... Truth
Post by: Izzy_*now* on December 01, 2008, 07:30:26 PM

Hi
I sent this to my younger sister in an email.

What is your opinion about what her reply might be?

Frankly, I don't care!

Lastly, and this might be more last than anything.

This therapist thinks I am an all right person and that I had.have reason to think as I do, although at the time I was not as assertive as I now am.

When Ken said, "You used to be able to have any man you wanted, but now you can't, but I still want you', and proceeded to force himself on a weak, disabled 31-year old, the night she came home from 2 days short of a year in hospital, had just put her 6-year old to bed, she was right to be offended, ought have said so and forever kicked him out of her life and quit her job.

He also said, that in a loving family with 2 parents and ? siblings, they would have joined together in conference with her and talked about the severity of her situation, instead of coming or not coming, as they pleased, and ought to have moved heaven and earth to see that her little daughter was brought to see her, regardless, so the relationship would not suffer between the two. She did not have a loving family.

She ought to have been approached with ideas, discussions, and hers would be the final say: not what someone else thought.

If 2 of her siblings came but once in ONE year, 365 days, then each ought to be totally ashamed of themselves, to leave her to think this was not the least bit serious. This situation was the most serious of her entire life.

Do with that whatever you feel best for you.

Izzy

The time came to speak my truth, and I will see what happens.

Izzy

Title: Re: Get a load of this................... Truth
Post by: teartracks on December 01, 2008, 07:39:26 PM

Dear Iz,

I think you've given her something powerful to think about.  Not knowing your sister, I wouldn't venture a guess.

You say you don't care.  Are you saying you don't care out of residual hostility or out of having given up any expectation of her caring, or have you just hit your neutral button and willing to accept whatever response she sends, including none and let sleeping dogs lie?

You always amaze me with the clarity you gain as you explore what I have viewed personally as the jungle of my own family's dysfunction.   

You inspire Iz.  You really do.

tt

Title: Re: Get a load of this................... Truth
Post by: Izzy_*now* on December 01, 2008, 07:52:23 PM

Thanks tt,

I don't care what is said, because I have a memory about what all of them did at that time and I doubt they could EVER explain away any rotten behaviour. So I am living with my truth and have been for, soon to be, 40 years.

That sister is one who came ONCE and brought my daughter ONCE, and I also sent the message to my daughter so she would know I was serious about letting my truth be known, and not be taken by surprise if anyone told her about it!

Residual hostility--- it was more like hosility from my first memory. I see how superfluous they all are with one another ( and when I was at the gatherings.)

No response! I will let sleeping dogs lie! It's finally been said!

Did I inspire you to get down to the nitty-gritty? Well I had to.... for my peace of mind!
xx
Iz

Title: Re: Get a load of this................... Truth
Post by: teartracks on December 01, 2008, 08:38:24 PM

Hi Iz,

The nitty gritty...well, I got there gradually and some of it over the last two years you've been on the board.  Yes, you've been a part of my getting better.  But even more, I think you have inspired many others and that as long as the board is accessible to others dealing with dysfunctional families and disorders, you will continue to inspire.

Love,

tt

Title: Re: Get a load of this................... Truth
Post by: lighter on December 02, 2008, 06:59:49 AM

Izzy:

You had to get that out..... really.

Now that you have..... what expectations do you have?

((Amazing Izz))

Lighter

Title: Re: Get a load of this................... Truth
Post by: gratitude28 on December 02, 2008, 07:25:43 AM

Izzy,
I think it's great that you expressed those valid feelings. Nothing may change because of it, but you have gotten out and it must make you feel so much airier inside!!!
Love, Beth

Title: Re: Get a load of this................... Truth
Post by: Izzy_*now* on December 02, 2008, 02:45:33 PM

Hi lighter and Beth,

Thanks gals. It had to be done.

I just thought that if I went to my grave, without saying anything, they get off the hook.

Being I don't email with the 2 older sisters, it will be up to this sister if she passes it along, and she might not until I am dead.... BUT I've already told my daughter that she can have a private little thing... don't know what she will do, but she knows the history now.
(Pardon gruesome, but if something needs to be said, say it when everyone is alive.)

I don't expect anything in return. I've said my piece.

That reminds me of my brother. He was always my favourite, being the youngest and anything he did was at the coaching of the older one (s).

I did have one disappointment with him when he borrowed money for an MG and I had to ask for him to repay when he was defaulting, and just last year when he and the sister who received this mail were visiting, I said something like:
"I always felt, as kids, that you and I were getting along fine, because you told me secrets".

Sister pipes up! "He told me secrets, too!" Well that knocks one down a peg or two, when there never had been any other person sharing secrets with me.

This will make for some discussion, maybe, around the New Year's table when the adults (I use that lightly) get together.

xx
Izzy

Title: Re: Get a load of this................... Truth
Post by: lighter on December 05, 2008, 06:56:41 AM

Just remember that they were raised in the same abusive family as you, Izz.

They didn't know any better.... apparently.

If they know better now..... facing their actions will likely be very difficult for them.

Empathic speaking.... empathic listening from you Izzy, will help them to really hear you.

More "I felt" and less "You" statements.

I agree though...... you deserve to speak about your life and how they rose to an extreme circumstances.

You've been carrying this around..... alone..... far too long.

(((Izzy))) 

Lighter

Title: Re: Get a load of this................... Truth
Post by: sKePTiKal on December 05, 2008, 07:18:52 AM

What a laser-beam of clarity and truth, Iz!

I'm so glad for you, that you've claimed this and expressed it. It must feel like a mountain has been lifted from you.

Title: Re: Get a load of this................... Truth
Post by: Izzy_*now* on December 05, 2008, 02:06:10 PM

hi lighter and PR

Thank you for your messages. This does feel better to release my truth to that sister (I just received a funny video from her this morning, as in 15 minutes ago, that and signed 'Love').

I was going to post this, and this is roughly the route I have taken, but each move always carried the family, until now this mental move.

Dr. Phil is a lot of entertainment but TV was on him as I worked, yesterday/day before and I heard,"You can walk away from your History".

I realize that this packing and walking did NOT include the family. I've taken what I needed on my journeys and left my other history behind, so why was life always the same? I packed and took the family with me.

I feel no anger or hatred or whatever toward them. My D is in the 'suitcase', with her children packed around her to help her against the bumps and drags of her life, and this time I came out with a newly created lifestyle that did not require anyone's approval ... certainly not the siblings, et al.

I will have nothing further to say.. unless it appears that one or more are so far away from 'truth', which would be his/her truth, or a lie, that I would suggest reflecting on his/her life and maybe therapy: to look for their truth not at how I arrived at mine.

Quote

lighter
They didn't know any better.... apparently 
If they know better now..... facing their actions will likely be very difficult for them..

This might be true or might not be. I do know that when they 'walked away from home (history?)' into a marriage, they were cocooned against any further criticism, always with a spouse in tow (like a bodyguard?)

Love
Izzy

Title: Re: Get a load of this................... Truth
Post by: lighter on December 05, 2008, 07:09:09 PM

Izz..... as long as you're OK with speaking your piece...... it's done.

I'm picturing you turning.....

and.....

you're walking away. 

Not sure why but..... you're  not in your chair.

In my mind.... you look to be in your twenties.

I suppose there's a part of you, at every age, benefitting from this expression.

(((Izzy)))  What a journey you've traveled, my dear.

::raising eggnog coffee::  May you continue to gain self knowledge and serenity.....

clarity and renewed bonds with your D and grandchildren.

Light

Title: Re: Get a load of this................... Truth
Post by: Hopalong on December 06, 2008, 07:53:20 AM

My deepest respect and a hat-tip, fine Izz.

That is really extraordinary healing.

You asserted. You were not aggressive. You spoke the truth.
You released the outcome.

BRAAAAVOOOO.

(And you did get back "Love".) She is sorry.

love you,
Hops

Title: Re: Get a load of this................... Truth
Post by: Izzy_*now* on December 07, 2008, 06:51:20 PM

Thank you lighter and Hops and anyone else

A long email from her and it sounds as though she has not yet shared this, but it included some news and what applies here is


I was in a group once (I forget where or when now) and I must have said something that indicated that my self-esteem was rather low and the group spontaneously broke into this song.  I cried and cried and cried.  The writer is Libby Roderick and the website following is supposed to let you hear the music, too, but it would not work for me.  You may have secrets that will allow you to open it.

“How could anyone ever tell you
That you’re anything less than beautiful?
How could anyone ever tell you
You’re less than whole?
How could anyone fail to notice
That your loving is a miracle?
How deeply you’re connected to my soul!”

(She included a link that didn't work for her but said she knew I would find a  way, and I did

 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5zsk789e0ZM (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5zsk789e0ZM)

I dedicate that song to you, now.

Love

She also asked me how to find a way to resize a LARGE photgraph for emails, so I responded with 2 sets of instructions...how she could resize without buying a program, and how to go to Youtube to find a song when her link doesn't work for her ..and ended with BBL

As well was this:

Who ever told Ken that we came from a “loving family”????   I did not know that Ken treated you like that, because you never told me.  How tragic!!!!

None of us had any affection growing up, either from our parents or each other.  And some of us still haven’t learned how to care for each other.  None of us knew that Jean was so sick last summer because we are not used to keeping in constant touch.  How many of us went to visit her?  (I am not comparing her “starving to death” with your traumatic situation.)

HERE, she finally admits it! I have never heard that from her before, and as far as my eldest sister 'starving to death', I would think a grown woman, a nurse at that, would know that she must eat........but with colitis and her obsession with golf, I'll wager she didn't eat because who can deal with golfing and 'the runs' at the same time?

I don't know how long she has suffered from colitis, but I have been constipated for almost 40 years.

Don't try and get on my good side NOW!

I have to laugh.

Love
Izzy

Title: Re: Get a load of this................... Truth
Post by: Hopalong on December 07, 2008, 11:29:05 PM

Awww, honey.
Maybe she isn't trying to manipulate you to move around to your "good side".

It's a bud of empathy there.

Not enough. But she speaks some truth, about the lack of affection and love...and she says,
I didn't know how.

She doesn't take full accountability, true...it might take more courage than she has to face what pain their neglect caused you.

It's not a full reckoning, but oh Izz, what progress.

What astonishing progress since I read your first posts here.You're inviting her to grow as you have.
That may be too big for her. But what she HAS said, and the way she HAS validated you...it's still real.

Though small, it's real. I am blown away at what you've done by being so truthful and so smart.

Some people take tiny steps. You are like Paulette Bunyan!

love,
Hops

Title: Re: Get a load of this................... Truth
Post by: Izzy_*now* on December 08, 2008, 12:39:02 AM

hiya Hops

Thanksa buncha

..and how are you surviving?--no I will go to your thread!

Quite the fighters for right and truth on this board.

My giant steps are because I am nearer the Finish Line.

I sent another email to her that was quite short, to take her attention from Ken and to the Therapist where it belonged.

He also said, that in a..........." (in my post #1)
 
This paragraph, onward, is what My Therpist said, not Ken. My therapist knows because I told him issue after issue that had put me in therapy for 50 years. I will not go over and over it again, because now I have it as right as I will ever get it, though I will never understand the cruelty inflicted then denied or ignored, when I now realize that this family has absolutely NO experts, and it was from this family I mistakenly sought love, support and understanding for as long as I can remember.
It was just so easy to scapegoat and shame me. No more!


..and I swear I will not go into repeats of issues she and I tried to settle with her always coming out on top, from my insecurity within the family.

Getting ready for the Finish Line.................

Love
Izzy

Title: Re: Get a load of this................... Truth
Post by: teartracks on December 08, 2008, 10:41:04 PM

Hi Iz,

Quote

I will not go over and over it again, because now I have it as right as I will ever get it, though I will never understand the cruelty inflicted then denied or ignored,

That's about where I find myself.  I have accepted that I have it about as right as I will ever get it in this life.  For sure there are no experts in my family including me.  The only difference is that I wanted desperately and worked hard at correcting the parts of me that contributed to the dysfunction in my family.  In the beginning, I thought it could be a concerted effort between us, but that was a naive dream of mine, one I gave up. 

I don't want to spin or hijack your thread, but I'd like to say that it is important to me not to come off as if I have 'arrived' or that I have worked harder at getting well than other members,  or that it was easy.  Nothing could be farther from the truth and getting to a point where I didn't spend every waking moment holding the pain of the past at bay took a lot of time.  Believe me, if I thought I had some magic formula for erasing the kind of pain we talk about here, I'd bottle it!

Anyway, as usual, thanks for sharing your lifesights. 

tt

Title: Re: Get a load of this................... Truth
Post by: Izzy_*now* on December 09, 2008, 12:32:32 AM

Thanks tt,

You said it too!

It's about the best we can ask for and then we might find new hurdles easier to jump. I doubt I will ever say "I have arrived" but I have this sister nailed into a discussion that will determine something, and I did sense defensiveness in her last. I have written again, admitting my faulty thinking, and I think that is difficult for her to do. She mentions only her corrected thinking, but I didn't point that out.

As well, she thinks she is the sister who wanted the spouse present at a family meeting I asked for of only the 5 sibs. All I said was that one was not agreeable unless her husband came, so the meeting didnt take place. She isn't the one. I was the eldest one, but this one's feeling 'guilty?' makes me think that maybe she does count on him for support and protection at family gatherings.

I will never know.

TTYL
xx
Izzy

Title: Re: Get a load of this................... Truth
Post by: Izzy_*now* on December 14, 2008, 12:13:05 AM

(http://bp2.blogger.com/_rqH4fUbko2U/Rr8FMMVtEvI/AAAAAAAADaQ/F16PpIAptwM/s320/HorseAndPlough)

Can you picture a 9 year old girl doing this? My mother, with her crooked back, curvature of the spine, spina bifida and because her father lost  moneyfrom some investment. (and it seems I was always hearing about that!) About 1917, she was 9

When she was finished, he said she had done it wrong and made her plough the field in the opposite direction.

What an abusive father she had.

Izzy

Title: Re: Get a load of this................... Truth
Post by: Hopalong on December 14, 2008, 12:22:52 AM

Izz....

Did you ever get The Dwelling Place by Catherine Cookson?

I think of you, I think of her. I truly think you would love her novels.

As deeply and more absorbingly than even those great old movies.

love
Hops