Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival => Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board => Topic started by: Hopalong on December 03, 2008, 08:20:54 PM
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Hoo boy.
The hearing is happening Friday morning.
I am dreading it but whatever will be will be and I will be all right.
The one thing I've decided is that no matter WHAT the ruling is, I will not allow him to have access to the space where I live. Never again.
If I'm tossed onto the sidewalk, fine. I will not let him in.
I am being dramatic but it's nerve-wracking. I wish my lawyer were more involved. Or maybe he is and listening to me be scared and dithering over my mistakes has driven him nuts.
Anyway, I have good friends to witness to my care of my mother (and fear of my brother). He has thoroughly poisoned the nursing home staff (not the regular nurses and aides, who see me all the time--but the administrators). So he may call them and they will fuss over my paying late. Haven't for three months, but I did, it's true.
Oh well.
What will be will be.
If y'all can send serenity, especially Friday morning, I really believe that works.
love to you and thanks too,
Hops
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Sending you peace, serenity, love, kindness. Also so proud of you for deciding never to let him in your life again.
Good luck and know I will be thinking of you and praying for you.
Love, Beth
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Sending serenity, peace, comfort, calm, and strength ... will be praying for you over the next several days.
Imagine all of us amazons and gladiators standing in a circle of strength and serenity around you, and as wall between you and puny 'ol wormtail.
I believe too Hops.
(((((Hops)))))
Love,
FP
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Hi Hops,
I'll be praying for you about Friday. I hope you get to send your brother a BIG bill when it's all over.
tt
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Hi Hops,
Believe in yourself, Believe in your attorney, Believe in your higher power...sending you strength, calm, peace, and some Kick Ass...don't let him in your head...Focus....I have power no one can take...I am strong.
You won't be in the street...have Faith in yourself!! Believe!!
Love
Deb
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I'll be sending you peace on Friday morning. I will be sitting in chapel as my son's school presents Lessons and Carols in a program that is beautiful beyond description. A segment from years past will be on the local PBS station tomorrow night. I will send a bit so you will know the beauty of the sound. While I am there I will think of you and you will hear angelic voices singing songs of "Peace" and "Goodwill on Earth." Just the words you will need to hear. Just the concepts that you will need to experience: Peace and Goodwill on EArth to you Hops.
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Hops - I believe in your serenity, your strength, your innate kindness and that you have a security that simply can NOT breached by anything or anyone. Above all else, your courage to face anything with grace, dignity, and super-intelligence. No one can take that from you.
Remember to breathe slowly - and if the nerves start, focus on feeling your fingers and toes. Know that all of us are going to be with you in spirit and that no matter the outcome (which I believe will be in your favor) we will be here anxiously waiting to hear the news, and to offer what it is you need at that moment.
It will be OK; everything will be all right.
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Hopsy, I know you are going to do so well on Friday. When you first told us about it, I was anxious over the length of time it would take for you to get to court. In my heart, I wanted you to be able to get it over with and get on with life--whatever the verdict.
But over the months it has taken to get to this point, it has become apparent that the delay was all for the good. During that time, you have grown by leaps and bounds--you are not the same person you were several months ago. You have developed so much courage, so much stamina, so much determination. And so much acceptance of yourself.
When you walk into court on Friday, you are going to have butterflies. Who wouldnt? But you have spent the last several months forging the peace that you will need on Friday. You will have it in abundance. And you will be in all of our hearts that day...Be sure to rush home and tell us how it went!
I'm looking forward to hearing the next chapter in your story!
Much love,
CB
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Absolutely, Hops. Hang in there. Don't let him goad you into behaving the way he wants you to. Don't let him throw you off your game. Judges see humanity in all its forms, all the time. Here's hoping yours sees straight through the BS and does the right thing.
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Kick butt.
mud
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Hops: It is what it is.....I will send thoughts and prayers your way on Friday.........after it is done then another chapter of your life will have a period at the end of it...
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All the very best, Hops
...and whatever, sue him for slander, or libel if you have anything on paper.
I wish you peace and wellness and strength to just say it like it is (without the profanity tho') the
M*F*r he is!
Love
Izzy
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Hops....
sending you hugs, warmth, serenity and a reminder that you're a good daughter.
So you put a check in the mail late, a time or two? That seems so small when one looks at the whole picture.... and your friends here do.
(((((())))))) Imagine we're with you tomorrow morning...... you'll be in our thoughts.
Lighter
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Here is the link to the brief radio sample of the music program my little one is singing in tomorrow. It is filled with peace and goodwill and I will be sending you thoughts of the peace tomorrow. The program is performed in an episcopal cathedral that is very traditional with a vaulted ceiling and beautiful stained glass. It will be packed with a crowd of 2000+ and darkish, cozy on a cold, rainy day but filled with warm and I will be sending such feelings your way to sustain you through the bleek midwinter day in that cold, empty legal environs.
Listen to a minute of the music tonight and then let a note of two resound in your thoughts tomorrow and know that I am thinking of you. Your friend - GS
http://www.wbhm.org/Tapestry/advent.m3u
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You're probably up and worrying around the house now, Hops.
Drink plenty of water and eat your vitamins...... maybe some extra vitamin C and fish oil.
I'm thinking of you...... ((((Hops)))
Light
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... and do something to ground yourself - center yourself - within your body. Light stretching or a short walk, deep aware breathing.
This will help create a sense of calm within. I'll be checking back later; still working on the access problem from work. I think I know what it is - but only time will correct it. So, I take a moment to check for news at lunch, from home.
I SOOOOOOO hope that this is the end of this problem for you.
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Hops,
Thoughts and prayers with you today.
Bones
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Thought of you all morning. Am anxious to hear something - anything from you about todays experience. I so hope and pray that you emerge victorious - really, truly victorious.
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Whatever happened, Hops......
it's going to be OK.
(((())))
light
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Oh Hops....
are you catching your breath? totally drained? or celebrating?
Are YOU OK? When you're ready to talk... it's soon enough.
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Hi Hopsy-wopsy, what happened? how did it go?
How are you feeling?
Hope that everything went favorable towards you.
Love to you.
God bless!!!!
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Hi dear dear people. I am sorry I didn't post last night, just wrecked-tired.
Gotta tell you, there's something about Muddy Amazons...
Long story way short (I'm exhausted, long day of work followed by 5 hours prep at night, at court all day, not enough sleep last night for the adrenalin. I'm heading out for wknd job in a few):
Brother was 3 hours late --driving, why didn't he leave earlier and come the night before I'll never know, my suspicion is he overslept (family trait)--but when the judge proposed a compromise--temporary conservator-- that would mean he could skip a hearing, he refused, so I was up anyway at 5:00 a.m., my atty's cranking out photocopies at 6 and my brother doesn't call until 8:30 to tell us he's 3 hours away -- and the hearing's at 9. ! So he didn't exactly start on the "good foot" w/the judge and we both spent thousands of unecessary $$$ ... OWWWW
We (the 3 attorneys--1 each plus guardian ad litem, my 4 witnesses, judge, brother, me) waded through 4 hours' testimony -- poring over paperwork and all the statements we'd already given them months ago -- once he finally got there. All the witnesses were perfect, my paperwork was organized and my atty said I did an excellent job ("and I'm not just saying that"). Judge got pissed at my brother a couple times and brother made several weird, irrational or off-putting remarks. He was disorganized, had no coherent evidence but innuendo (Judge kept saying, what evidence do you have, I see no evidence whatsoever of any misappropriation or these things you're hinting at), was a cross between evil and pitiful. He announced that he had moved to town as of today, would separate from his wife (and leave his "special needs:" daughter behind) to move into this house and take over everything. !!!! As of last night!
Judge sez: "You mean you plan to do that against your sister's wishes? How are you going to stay there when there is no more relationship between the two of you?" Brother says, welll no, I wouldn't force my way in but "that's what families do"... and it was so weird. I have no idea what he'll do but he may lurk a while. I felt absolutely backed up about him not having access to the house, by judge and lawyers. I hope he goes home. I don't know what he meant about his marriage but it was weird. Ultimately so very sad. But not my job -- I can't fix him.
As Gman & I took my atty to the garage we all sat in the car a while talking about it and my brother walked by. I blurted, I feel sorry for him, my atty said, "In that moment when I just saw him I briefly felt the same way, but please do not hesitate to call the police if he comes anywhere near you or even cruises past tonight."
In a nutshell for now, that was it. My brother is a tragic figure and an unsafe one who is tormented, paranoid, horrendously insecure-narcissistic and to me, vicious. I am an imperfect bookkeeper, and honorably burned out recovering exhausted caregiver. I am still to be her guardian and we'll have a temporary independent conservator (paralegal or book-keeper) for a few months and then the judge will make an order. I think we're to transfer the house in the meantime if brother will cooperate. No idea. But the judge kept smiling at me. Dunno if that means anything.
The whole ordeal has been a stupid sick waste of time and resources and my atty said my brother's lawyer signaled him in several nonverbal ways that his heart isn't in it, he can't bear his client. Judge was warm to me, brother's atty did not live up to his reputation and didn't badger me, my atty was unflappable, our elderly family friend (95) was so charming the lawyers all swooned, Mom's morning companion was her honest spitfire loving self, my notary friend was crystal clear about the POA and my church-neighbor friend was steady as a rock about my worrying over Ma that she's witnessed over the decade.
My brother is acting out a lifetime volcano of suppressed resentment and guilt and shame and envy he's projected onto me and he either can't or won't get help to see himself. Unless Rush Limbaugh and Ann Coulter count as help.
Gman (Gennulman) sat on a hard chair in the hallway All Day Long.
And then there were the angels of VESMB...surrounding the courthouse, beating silently against the windows with their wings.
I am one blessed human being.
with grateful love,
Hops
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I am so deeply overjoyed! So touched. Have faith in the hope for justice again. I know you have to go to work but this evening I hope you rest deeply - after you dance your toes off.
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Hops,
I believe the process went through a huge improvment yesterday, Hops. You sound strong of heart even in the face of physical exhaustion. Way to go. Just keep at it. Rooting for you.
tt
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Butt kicked.
mud
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Wow, hops
This sounds so much, all in your favour, that is sounds that 'it is all over in your favour'!
I was so pleased to read your account of what transpired.
... and I can believe you are just "wrung right out"!
Love
Izzy
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Awesome.
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Hops...... I'm thinking the best part about yesterday......
was that your brother's lies, and unfounded attempts to smear your character, were apparent to everyone.
But, he still has the right to continue inflicting emotional and financial trauma on you...... who knows when he'll leave you in peace?
Maybe never.
The victory will come when he finally turns his attention away from you.
Have you spoken with your niece recently? Her mother?
Please be careful.
Lighter
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I feel like we're all sitting in front of the fire in our PJs, big pillows all around, drinking hot chocolate, feeling completely secure in a circle of friendship. (Mud is allowed, his PJs have big feet in them.)
Thank you. Thank you.
And Lighter...sad thing is, but necessary...I am not contacting his wife or child right now. I do not want to until things are really resolved, and even then, I have no way of knowing if my conversation with either would be confidential. They've been under his dominance for a long time, and I don't know how good/bad/volatile/peaceful things are in their home. I think my calling or writing them would possibly agitate their situation.
I think it's best for me just to abide. One day I am sure I will see my neice and nephews again -- they all know I love them. I do hope my SIL will be able to contact me too. But I need to keep my distance from them right now, for their sake as well as my own I think. They do live halfway across the country. And though my brother roams back and forth and is on the road a lot...I hope he's going home. And I hope he'll get help and not wind up a human ruin.
I thought also when he was walking away that he is one of the loneliest people I've ever seen. He has hurt and isolated himself so much.
It is quite painful not to be able to try to heal him by continuing to welcome him, in a way. But I am clear. He just went too far when he lied, slandered, and went after my kid. Boundary set. I didn't even look at him for four hours except once for 2 seconds.
(I read in a Narcissists in Court article that one way to deal w/them is simply never to look at them. The craving for attention is so huge that if you never look at them, they will be agitated and talk more and reveal more of themselves ... and he did. Due also to my lawyer's skill, and I think the awareness and intelligence of the other attorneys--even his, sadly--and the judge, that we were witnessing someone who's quite disturbed.)
Mud, do you still love the N in your life? That's painful. Isn't it.
love,
Hops
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((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((Hops))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
Bones
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Sunday:
today's the day to rest, gentle Hops... take it slow & easy and surround yourself with your friends. Call your daughter. Pamper yourself. You have much to be grateful for, in what transpired - due to your hard work, you know, in finding a way to successfully defend yourself. Time to let all the dust settle, arrange itself in the new pattern and catch your breath.
There's time later to dissect the situation, but overall I'm happily overjoyed for you!
I don't know about you, but one of my biggest fears about the abuse that I suffered was that other people simply wouldn't believe me - they'd believe my abuser(s) instead. Your courage in seeing this court case through, your courage in defending yourself is proof positive for me, that we will be believed and that justice isn't blind and deaf or tilted in favor of those who are acting unfairly or maliciously. Even though the final judgement is some time off, yet. The reality of the situation isn't something your brother could bullshit or twist around in his delusional fantasies of being so powerful. He revealed himself within the reality of the situation to all present, it sounds like.
Pity and compassion don't equal love, for me. Love speaks a language of mutual respect and appreciation of the other. Love boosts the other in positive ways, emotions, and connectedness. Cares about and for the other. (like gennulman's yeoman patience and attendance to your ordeal) Feeling sorry for your brother has to include the fact that he's already rejected love - from anyone. Maybe most importantly, himself. He'll stop at nothing, it looks like, to prop up his delusional image of himself. Don't let your guard down, just yet.
You also revealed yourself, Hops. More courage and maybe the most important kind. You weren't found to be wanting or in need of pity. In need of compassion for your long-suffering patience & forbearance, perhaps! :D
This is a victory on so many levels... I am so, so, so happy for our Hopsy!
:: doing my happy dance::
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Many years ago my NF got involved in some court action--he was suing someone, as usual, and decided I'd make a good witness for his team. He told me what needed to be said, I told him I would not lie. So he tried a little intimidation--put me in a room with a couple of his attorneys with notepads and they asked the questions and I answered them and was never called, and he had his hat handed to him. To this day I am, of course, the reason he lost. He's hugely bitter about it. The fact that there exists an "Ns in the Courtroom" article interests me. They are so used to beating and badgering and bullying people to get their way, they think a courtroom will be the same. It's interesting to see pure law and logic operate on those who respect and understand neither, and who have no grasp of the fact that all will be treated equally (one hopes, I realize this is a bigger topic, but for the purposes of this thread) in court, the N (surprise!) will not be God in the eyes of the judge, and they will be seen for who and what they are. Disturbed, lonely, and pathetic. Just so glad it all went your way, Hops. That you can have a little peace of mind now.
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http://www.healthyplace.com/communities/personality_disorders/narcissism/faq78.html
It's been a pretty intense experience.
So right, Gjazz: They are so used to beating and badgering and bullying people to get their way, they think a courtroom will be the same.
It's almost like a strange kind of naivete. I think also, it's their habit of manipulation, with the brighter ones. Even the very bright ones get tripped up usually at some point in their lifetimes. Because their thinking and their judgement is off.
My brother, with his disorganized bits of paper and vague innuendoes, keep leaning toward the judge confidentially as though he was talking "man to man" about the "poor messed up sister" and how things "didn't pass the smell test" and it came out nearly incoherent.
I did exactly what my lawyer said, and did not interrupt or react. And what I took from the article in that link was not to look at him. In four hours of testimony, I looked at him once. We were right across a table from each other because the main courtroom was being renovated.
Funnily enough, the judge came into the shop where I have my Saturday job. It was a little awkward but okay!
love and thanks (Amber, too...and so many of you--I was very moved by your joy for me. Thank you, dears. Thank you.)
love to all and more soon, and butt KICKED, Mud...(poor brother--I flip and flop in compassion and fury and I still am very very very clear about the boundary. This guy lied and stole and hurt me, really hurt me...and I still feel sorry for him but I am so relieved he will sooooon I hope be out of my life.)
love
Hops
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Again Hopsy
I am so happy for you.
Sometimes we just have to say, "No more Ms. Nice Guy". Mine comes from never wanting anyone to hurt as badly as I was as a child.
My assertiveness is picking up nicely, but the gang I have...well everyone is nice enough that there appears to be so little need of it, as far earlier in my life....but I will never become complacent.
I might have posted here before about eye contact.
When a car on a side street is trying to manoever onto your busy street, if you do not make eye contact with the driver, you can just keep driving and let someone else let him in. If you DO make eye contact, you are much more likely to stop and be the one to let him in.
I have tried it and it's makes the situation not cars, but people, to me.
Good for you on the no eye contact. "He was just a n old car trying to nose in, in front of you, expecting you to take pity and stop."
Atta girl
Love
Izzy
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Hops,
I am so pleased that you have come through this terrible time. It has been a lesson to me to not give up hope.
Thinking of you with great softness
Axa
P.s. my pjs have little rabbits on them!
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I understand that it's appropriate not to contact your SIL and family..... and you're certainly right.
It makes me very uneasy that he went into court and babbled about having left his family, with the expectation of taking over your home.
Sending continued prayers for your serenity and safety.
Lighter
And Lighter...sad thing is, but necessary...I am not contacting his wife or child right now. I do not want to until things are really resolved, and even then, I have no way of knowing if my conversation with either would be confidential. They've been under his dominance for a long time, and I don't know how good/bad/volatile/peaceful things are in their home. I think my calling or writing them would possibly agitate their situation.
love,
Hops
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I agree, Hops, it is a strange kind of naivete. And another example of the strange, dysfunctional ego: the judge is the most powerful person in the room, so of course the judge will align himself with Me, the N, the Important One. It's so odd. But I'll bet judges see these people all the time. These people who aren't used to demanding of themselves what they demand of others. So they have stacks of papers all disorganized and/or irrelevant. They thought all they'd have to do is demand, project, bully, insinuate---hey, it works with the wife/husband and kids. It took me a long time to realize that emotion, not logic or thought, drives everything my NF does. He SEEMS bright, logical and thoughtful, because he is, but those things are a means to an end, and the end is always rooted in confused, bizarre needs to control, hurt, blame, others in some unending, useless attempt to rid himself of those same feelings. You can feel compassion for your brother. But you can't heal him. Only he can.
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Dear Hops,
I am so happy for you. Happy that you see your brother so clearly and dont feel so afraid of him and happy that you see how misguided and disturbed he is. How wonderful that you had the Judge on your side and everyone could witness how puny and pathetic his attempts at ruining you were.
You are such a good and dear person. From now on it will be easier.
Lots of love,
Sea storm