Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival => Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board => Topic started by: Lupita on December 22, 2008, 02:01:12 PM
-
Now, I do not know what to do with him. I do not like the way he behaves. But everybody tells me, he is a good person, no relationship is perfect, I am being picky, it is not easy to find a good person to date, .......etc.
I am tired of him mirroring me, like a robot with no brain, coming to my house and not understanding what I do not want.
I told him that I did not want him to make friends with the guards at the gate of my building, he did and now they call him by name. I told him I do not like him so often in my house and he says that I invited him, I have to constantly set boundaries because he does not understand, I do not want him so often in my house, he does not understand that I have been alone ofr 20 years and I plan to keep it that way.
I told him to bakc off a little to go back to dating again to save this relationship, he has the book of my video camera, he always finds something that he has that I need.
Today is my first day of vacation from school this Christmas. He wanted to come here since the morning. I kept him away. He is coming at 5 pm to walk and to go to the mall.
Why do I need help to terminate something? why do I have doubts? I know that the very same day I finish with him, he will have several women chasing him, he is handsome but not a match for me.
Why am I afraid?
He is a nice person, just not who I want for a life partner.
How can I make him my friend and leave in peace?
For the moment I am just depriveing him of something he likes. He likes to be in my house nad I am keeping him away. Hopefully he will give me an ultimatum and I will act on that.
The good thing is that I am not sad or anxious, just reasonably thinking.
I need your opinion, dear friends.
Love to you all.
-
I have noticed that he gets depressed everytime I get a success. Or I associeate it wit a success.
The Cristmas cantata, I hae a hectic week, a lot of work, at church, at school, etc. Every time I have soemthing nice going on in my life he gets depressed and ruins it with his feeling that I am abandoning him.
I start to hate his personality.
Yedterday I had a wonderful day with my son, we played together in church, organ and piano, everybody liked it.
W got depressed abd started telling me that I do not love him anymore.
Of course I do not love him. But I tell him to enjoy the now.
He wants a love that I cannot give him.
Mt expereince from yesterday got ruined because of W.
He is only happy when I am devoting all my attention to him. He is also happy when I am depressed and he is trying to help m get in a good mood. That makes him very important.
I started to dislike him and feel very paranoid wit him. But I do not want to make him my enemy.
For now, I will keep him away from my house which he likes so much to be in, and that probably will set the fire.
Today after the mall I will tell him to go and that might help to set him up on fire. I do not know what to do.
I told him that I do not want him so much in my house and he does not understand what that means.
Let us see if now he understands.
-
Today he already sent three e-mails and called me three times.
He got the same amswer. "We will walk at 5 and go to the mall"
He wanted me to take my car over to his house and to help me wash it there.
I said I will wash my car in my own terms when I want.
I do not want to spend Chrsitams with him.
I want to spend Chrsitmas only with my son.
How to let him know? He is going to cry!!!! He is a baby 63 years old. I really start to dislike him.
-
hi Lupita
Has this man ever been married? Have children? Have a family of any kind?
He sounds like a control freak to me. He wants things his way, and in a way appears desperate to not change, nor to listen to you.
It is up to you to point out his behaviour to him and see if he can calm it down.
I’ve mentioned Ken here, who is like this man ‘of yours’. He does not listen and still continues with his previous behaviour. Ken, after all these years (41) is still Ken, a bachelor and just turned 80.
He was my superior at work and that was it until I was in the car accident. Then he began visiting me in hospital, came twice a week bringing gifts and once a week he sent cut flowers. In less then 3 months he was signing the cards “Love Ken” I called him on that and he had nothing to say, but I thought I had made it clear. (I hadn't)
He picked me up at the hospital when I was released after a year, drove me home and said, after my D went to bed, ”You used to be able to have any man you want, but now you can’t but I still want you” He proceeded to try to have sex with me, as though that would bring me around. No! I didn’t and I lost some respect for him them
Do you respect this man at all?
Just today I received a Xmas parcel from Ken, and as usual he sent me 2 hard cover books and a big box of chocolates. The authors are Stephen King and Dean Koontz. Now I did go through a King period of his stories of gore and horror, no holds barred. Then I switched to Koontz, as he is a better writer and his horror, has a happy ending, so to speak.
People change over the years and I am now into mystery novels, paperback as they are easier to hold, as I read in bed. I have told Ken this, and no more hard covers, wait for the paperback, and that I was now away from King and Koontz. (I still have a Koontz unread that is under my monitor with a phone book for more height.)
See? He doesn’t listen. 'Your guy' is not listening!
I told Ken once to stop coming to see me as he was interfering with my love life! (Ha Ha…what love life…but he was consuming all my time) He used to bring whiskey and we’d have drinks and watch TV. We never had a serious conversation really, so another time I told him to stay away, as I was drinking too much because of him (ha ha.. any excuse)
Then when my D’s father died in 1979, Ken proposed marriage to me. Said he waited until Joe was dead to ask me. OMG
Can you imagine the thinking?
At least I live 2000 miles away from him, now, but he telephones. I can see it is him and I don’t answer. He never leaves a message, just listens to my message , wait’s a couple of seconds, then slams down the receiver. I laugh!
I am expecting he will call over Xmas and I hope to be able to not answer. anyway, I am going to send him a note and tell him again about his choosing my reading material for me when I have moved on from horror to Mystery, but maybe he doesn’t know the difference.
Does ‘your man’ have a lot of money?
Ken does and I expect he has remembered my daughter and grandchildren in his Will. I could spoil that for her if I become too ‘obnoxious’ with him, but she just thinks of him as a lonely old man who need company. and my granddaughter has written letters to him.
For this Xmas gift, he finally signed “from Ken” instead of “Love Ken”..
If he doesn’t realize it, I believe he was trying to make me so beholden to him that I would do anything for him. I won’t.
We must be careful about what we do with people like this. I always wanted to spend my Xmas with my D, when she was little and growing. Some people think that is foolish, well he did anyway, that we ought to be with other people, but she had to leave her toys behind and go away when one Xmas he persuaded me to go to his family’s home for Xmas. Big Mistake. He has a niece the age of my D and they got on well, and then it became a habit that I hated.
This is were assertiveness comes in. We must know what we want, what we don’t want, say it, and stick to it.
Perhaps someone else will have better ideas, but I could use only my experience with Ken and the fact that he has almost made me ‘hate’ him, but for the most part I think he is pathetic.
Once he took my dog for a walk at 11:00 pm and it was cold. I said to be sure to keep him on the leash. He didn’t and Jedi had a tangle with a skunk. I said, “Take him to your place and bathe him. I cannot clean the bathroom after a dog has been bathed in the tub, and don’t bring him home wet”. I handed him 2 tins of V-8 juice. He finally called to say Jedi was dry and was bringing him back. I said, “Remember the leash”. No leash! Jedi jumped from the car and again tangled with a skunk, maybe same one. This time Ken bathed him at my place and cleaned the whole bathroom.
Does any of this sound familiar, as far as ‘your man’s' lack of acknowledgement of what YOU want?
Ken ‘puts down’ computers, saying he wouldn’t have one in the house, but it’s likely just because I know computers and he doesn’t that he denigrates them….something I know that he doesn’t.
(I'm partway through the chocolates--fewer in box than I expected--it's the "too much packaging thing'.)
xx
Izzy
-
P.S.
I just read this online
Every second you’re investing in the wrong person is a second you’re not investing in the right person. And every second that your partner spends with you when your heart isn’t in it, you’re stealing from her.
You might think you’re being kind, but you’re actually being cruel.
-
Izz your story sounds familiar. I dont know how to get rid of him. Like you said, it is difficult to decide what to do with this kind of poeple.
I wish he could accept to be my friend. That aint gonna happen I guess.
Why do you call me cruel?
I work hard, I do the best I can, I do not know what to do with him, he is overwhelming, baby 63 years old, he makes me sick.
-
hi Lupita
I am not calling you cruel, per se, but as with me, and perhaps with you, we fit the situation, that we are not going to fall for this person, and we are wasting his time by not telling him and getting the message across, and he is wasting our time when we don't love them or want them around all the time.
This was a post on the internet and it would be cruel if we were leading them on. Are we?
Do I remain in contact with Ken just because he might remember my daughter and g'kids in his Will? I have an inkling I do, BUT she also is in a different position from me. He is 80, she is 44 and he has seen/known her from when she was 2½.
He came onto me when I was disabled and helpless & on a stryker frame less than threee months after the accident. In a sense, with no boundaries then, I felt beholden to him, but it began to go too far. He was my boss and was holding my job for me. It was emotional blackmail.
I certainly mean no offence to you, but you owe it to yourself to make him understand.
Love
Izzy
-
When my aunt realized that she would never go further with the man she was dating, she told him so that she would not be using him .
Ami
-
I told him toight after our walk. I was afraid and my hert was pounding, as if I was doing something bad, I was totally afraid.
I have told him many times about things that I dislike and he keeps doing them.
So, he told me he was going to be my friend. I have the feeling that he is going to e mail me offering help fro something that he knows I desperately need.
I will be tempted to accept his help, but I will be strong.
He just left.
I do not eel sad, I feel afraid.
I need to enjoy my vacation and he wont let me.
He always makes a temper tantrum after church. I cannot go to church with him anymore. He always leaves me with a bad taste in my mouth.
I am tired of it.
Everybody in the building knows him because he likes to show that he is related to me and that I am his property, he behaves like this was his residency and it is not.
So, I told him todya that I wanted to be friends and he just left.
I am not sad, I am afraid.
-
Thank you Izz for your time. You really gave it a time to think anf write and dedicated time to answer me. I appreciate that.
Thank you Ami for your response, I really was not using him, I thought I was having something, it took me time to realize that it was not what I wanted.
That is what dating is for.
:( :(
Why do I feel afraid?
My mother made me afraid of everything. She wanted so much that I was unhappy. She wantes me to be afraid forever.
I am afraid.
-
Lupita
The fear is totally from your childhood. It is not based in reality at all. If he does s/thing scary, you can call the police. If not, you can set up boundaries.
I understand the FOO(family of origin) reactions. I have them all the time. Ami
-
Hi Lupita
I hope I helped you to see some things. As far as fear, I think, many years ago, when I would tell Ken to get out of my life I feared that I would come across something that I couldn't do, that he had done for me.
He always came early Sat a.m. to take me grocery shopping. One Saturday, I got up earlier and my little D and I went shopping and were home before he got there. He was angry. I told him that I had to learn these things for myself.... and I did.
However, I have found that there are other people that do it willingly, and not with an ulterior motive. Ken had an ulterior motive, from my perspective, that he would make me always beholden to him.
I am not, and I might have become a very lazy, selfish person had I allowed him to "do for me"!...
Now I am proud of all the things I can do for myself, and this bugs him to no end.
xx
Izzy
-
Light, CB, Hop, where are you?
It feels bad in here.
If at least it was not this cold, I could go swim in the ocean but with this temperature I cannot even enjoy the sea or the sand.
-
hi again Lupita
About 'him' becoming friendly with 'your' guards, I understand. He is imposing himself into your life, perhaps crossing a boundary?
I have always tried to keep business and pleasure separate, so I never had my workmates and my family meet... you have heard me talk about my family. So when I was in the accident and had cheques coming to me, instead of mailing them, Ken delivered them to my mother and insinuated himself into my family. I hated that.
After I left home, I was working and supporting myself, tried to have my own life separate from the family that had criticized and scapegoated me, and then Ken pulls that on me.
I had never set the boundary, but I realize now it was a boundary in my mind.
I now have a buzzer here, and I tell everyone to call before they come (so my phone is free to let them in) I don't like surprise visits, and it is working.
Can you have the guards call you when he comes and then you can say Yes or No?
-
Lupita:
I hope you can pull back emotionally and really learn from this relationship.
Your gentleman is human...... just like everybody else.
If he could do better..... he would.
He can't.... nothing to get upset about.
Accept that and deal with it.
It's not a crisis..... at least I don't think it is.
That you're struggling with stating, and enforcing, boundaries..... isn't his problem.
That you're frightened...... I can identify with.
Someone aggressively refusing to honor your boundaries..... or give you space..... can fill you with fear, bc where will it end?
Try not to let your imagination get to you.
Try to calmly pull back...... no drama.... no anger..... just appropriate words and no contact, if that's your boundarie.
Once you severe the relationship, it statistically takes 6 weeks of ABSOLUTELY NC to change someone's habit of contacting you.
Concentrate on the good things in your life.... your son..... your activities.
Merry Christmas, my dear (((Lupita.)))
Keep walking into brighter spaces..... you've come so far.
Try not to let the dark keep pulling you back, though it's bound to ebb and flow, at times.
Lighter
-
Hey Lup,
again confused? Reading you I don't think so. You seem to know right where you are at and maybe that is a little uncomfortable and fearfull for you. You have come a long way. It is ok to say No, Stop, I don't like it, and be sick of it.
Remember the other side of fear is freedom... Enjoy your vacation!!
Love
Deb
-
Hi Lup...
Having just gone through a horrible fear of my brother's intrusion and sense of entitlement over my life, this is what I'd do...
I'd go see the guards and tell them this:
"I want you to clearly understand that you do NOT have my permission to allow X into the building as my guest. I know he has made friends with you, but it is my preference as a resident that you do NOT allow him to enter without getting my permission. I hope we have that clear.
Would you like me to put this in writing to the complex manager? I will be glad to if that will help you enforce my request. I know you're here to do a good job. Thank you!"
I'm sorry you're frustated with him, Lupita...I think maybe it's not working for you, and it's been hard to be real with him.
You deserve the RIGHT person for you, not just any person.
Clean start, clean new year!
You are allowed to change your mind. You only need say, "I'm sorry but this isn't working for me. Thanks for the time but it's time for me to move on." YOU DON'T OWE HIM ANY FURTHER EXPLANATION.
No drama needed...you can say a dignified goodbye, and how he reacts is his problem.
(Don't let it be yours, okay?)
love
Hops
-
Your gentleman is human...... just like everybody else.
If he could do better..... he would.
He can't.... nothing to get upset about.
Accept that and deal with it.
Yes Light, I wish to think that he is just a human. Sometimes I think that these Ns are from space.
He asked me what I wanted from the library. I said, Key to awareness from Wayne Dyer. He brought me ten different but not the one I sked. I asked him did you check that? He said. no. I forgot. He did not hear or did not care what I wanted.
I told him that I need to spend time alone and he starts crying. "You dont love me anymore" He odes not get it.
He is just like my mother.
He offers to throw away my trash and he takes the trash with his hands from the bag and saves the bag. Not that I need the bag, but I guess ge wants to know what I am throwing away. Just like my mother.
What gets me sad is that this is the kind of man a attract nd I have attarcted all my life. That means after so many years I keep doing the same and I dont even realyze it.
Why cant I attract somebody normal?
You seem to know right where you are at and maybe that is a little uncomfortable and fearfull for you. You have come a long way. It is ok to say No, Stop, I don't like it, and be sick of it.
Thank you Deb. At least I know what is happening.
My son broke up with his girlfirned and he stayed friends with her. I wish I could do the same. I told him that I will be his friend forever. I went for a walk on the beahc with him and he asked me if he could visit with me at my house. Exactly what I am running away from. I do not want him in my house. So, he does not know anything. Zero awareness.
So, I told him again for the hundre and one times I told him I do not want him in my house and I wanted to be alone at my house and that I want to be his friend forever but not girlfriend. I told him that it is better a bad arrangement rather than a good fight.
In a fight nobody is going to win. He was sad and he left. But at least we are not enemies.
I will have my son visiting for several dasy today and that will help me to keep this gentleman away. And I am sorry for him, because I know he is a good person and he needs somebody to love him, but I do not want to be with someone because I feel sorry for him. I do feel sorry for him.
You are allowed to change your mind. You only need say, "I'm sorry but this isn't working for me. Thanks for the time but it's time for me to move on." YOU DON'T OWE HIM ANY FURTHER EXPLANATION.
Thank you Hop. I need to internalize that. That I deserve something that makes me happy. Not a baby 63 years ol who need a mother and he is so much older than me. I cannot possibly be his mother. I already have a son who is realy my son and he needs me.
Anyway, next time I will not bring anybody to my house, my apartment is too beautiful and people want to stay here forever, they do not want to go.
I will never bring a dtae to my apartment.
I am learning, little by little.
The good thing is that I feel sorry but not depressed. Today not even fearful. My son visit will help me a lot.
Thank you friends.
God bless you.
-
Hi Lupita,
I mentioned that Ken never leaves a message when I don't answer the phone. I was going out today, battery dead, came back to call AA and hear him leaving a message. I was stunned!!!! AND he even used my name THREE times in his Xmas message.
When I checked the phone (for incoming call) he was calling from his sister's place. There would likely have been about 7 adults, and no way could he slam down the phone in front of them, so he left a message.
Talk about a hypocrite!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I told him some time ago that I no longer read Stephen King or Dean Koontz and preferred to choose my own reading material in paperback, from the Library, and was now into more Mystery/Suspense than Horror.
He sent me 2 hardcovers, King and Koontz. If I answer his next call I will say that I am donating those books to the Library, too! meaning others he has sent after I told him m,y preferences had changed.
He NEVER listens~~~~~~~~
-
Lupe,
I'm sorry you have been having so much trouble with your fellow. Sometimes things just don't click--and maybe you can never get to the bottom of why it doesnt. I think that sometimes it's just chemistry--or lack of it.
Something I've noticed is that you have to have an ebb and flow to a romance. The moments of delight and intimacy have to be balanced by moments alone and separate. If you don't have that, or if either of you are afraid to have that (like he seems to be), it ruins it. Your idea to not have anyone over to your apartment sounds like a good one. When you have a relationship that develops to the point that you WANT to have them over, hopefully you will have already worked out the ebb and flow issues.
Enjoy your time with your son, Lupita! How fun to spend this time with him!
Love
CB
-
Izz, the problem is that W does not do it in purpose. He does not even realize what he is doing, he is totally unaware, he is sleepwalking through life. Total lack of awareness. So, I do not even get mad at him, I get mad at my self for falling in the trap that I am aware and he is not. I do not have the paciences to educate him, I already educated my son, cannot have another son now.
But yours probably does it in purpose. It is called passive agressive. I do not know, anyway, it is similar but at the same time it is different.
CB, you are right. I need to focus on the now, enjoy the resent, enjoy the now,my son is now here and I need to enjoy that.
The thing is that I am concerned that it is dificult to find a good person, even if you so not match but you that is a good person that will not do anything to hurt you.
To find anothe man that is good person, available, single, is difficult.
I am afraid that I am wasting the only opportunity that I might have inlife to have a companion.
At the same time, I do not want to lower my standards of what I want just for not to be alone, and have a companion, just having someone who cares.
I thought I knew what I wanted, now I do not know.
Do I want company? I would have it with him.
Do I want love? I would have it with him.
Do I have somebody to understand me? He does not understand sh*t. Zero.
When I lucked up my self out of my apartment, he brought his drill and drilled the luck, open the door, fixed it, and I only paid the cost of a new luck. If I had to call luck smith it would have costed $200.00, He was happy to help me.
He is very good with computers, hes is helping me with my teacher skills by teaching me programs that make me a better teacher.
For example he tought me how to save videos that I find in the net and show them to my students, also helps me with the power point presentations etc. He is glad to help me.
He makes me CDs of Eckart Tolle althgouhg he understand sh*t of them.
Am I being selfish and I am not understending that a human being is going to give you god things and bad things?
Why do I get so desperate when I am with him? He makes me extremely irritated.
That is the problem. My tolerance for frustration is very low.
So, due to that, I have to find a man from Mars because terrestrians are very strange.
I dont know what to think.
-
I think you can not be true to yourself and have him as a b/f. IF he agrees on friend, which he probably won't, it might work,but usually does not when one person wants more than friendship.
I think you want a man, but not him.
If you try to hang on,I think it will become hurtful to both of you. Ami
-
Thank you for your response Ami, my son thinks like you. Still, I am going to try to make him my friend if he is willing to be my friend, that would be wonderful, if not, well, I will end up alone again. Nothing unusual.
I feel sad and fearful tonight.
Despite that I had a very nice Christmas with my son and visited some friends and had a nice time. I come home and read an e mail from my mother and made me feel very sad.
I am really hated by her. She is my enemy.
-
I do not like it that your mother has free access to your mind through your email.
love,
Hops
-
Hop, not only e-mail, it is just that she wants something that I cannot give her, then she says that I mistreat her, then she says that she is going to get my brother against me. My sister has not talked to me in 12 years.
It hurts that my mother hates me, it hurts.
She calls an syas how bad my sister in low is. Because I do not respond and I do not join her in her hate against my sister in low, she gets mad at e and says that I am mistreating her.
She provokes me and then says that I am a bad daughtrer and a bad person.
It hurts, very much.
She wants me to disappear.
It gives me chilly feelings.
Now I do not write her everyday like I used to do before. Now I only write her once a week and only a couple of lines.
Little by little.
God will give me peace.
My son is threatening me that next year he will spend Christmas with his dad and his young wife. That is very painful.
-
W is coming today to walk on the beach. He wanted to go with my to my son'c conert but I did not let him. I want to go alone and be with other people and my son.
W needs to get used to the idea that we are only friends.
Hopefully.
I feel very lonely.
-
That story of Covina California of a man who killed averybody of his exwife, makes me fear, I have to be very nice to W so I keep him a friend and he does not feel like doing something ugly to me.
I feel very lonely.
-
Lupita
Our M's are monsters. It is horrible to see and say,but it is true.
It sounds so trite to say but God can bring you the man of your dreams. God can comfort you. He has done both for me.
Hang in there, Lupita. Your guy does not sound like a killer.
You are hurting tonight.
Ami