Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival => Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board => Topic started by: Hopalong on March 29, 2009, 08:49:46 AM
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My mother died in her sleep, peacefully, a few days ago.
It was time, her body was just done. I had peaceful, loving time with her, and my daughter did even more, sitting with her for hours.
The dreck remains to be waded through but I feel I saw her through to a safe and peaceful end as best I could.
I am going to try to rebuild my health and take my life back.
love,
Hops
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Oh Hops :(....I feel like I have lived through this for a long time with you. Are you ok?? Is there a sense of relief?? Wow. Sometimes I wonder what life will be like when this happens to me. I am sure you are sad. I guess you will have to go through the steps of grieving.....if we can be there for you just vent and talk. We will listen..
Love to you Kelly
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((((((((((((((((((((Dearest Hops)))))))))))))))))))))))
Love,
tt
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(((((((OC)))))) ((((((TT))))))
Thanks, guys. Strangely, I don't feel very sad at all.
We had ZERO unfinished business, and I guess that's the silver lining of the decade.
I am relieved and tired.
Memorial service is tomorrow, no idea if my brother will be there.
But I did everything smoothly and as soon as the service is over,
I think I'll finally feel I can begin my own life again.
I'm really not sad. I got to know narcissism so very very well from living with her, and the last years which included the revelations about her own father, helped me forgive her. So there's no torment in me about her.
I am continuing to stand up for myself both financially and legally against my brother, going forward.
And that feels as though it doesn't have much to do with her, but with him...
Separate things. Mom and I were as okay as we could be by the end of her life.
And my life was overdevoted to her for too long. So I'm okay with her passing.
I was waiting for it, and it frees me, is the truth.
She was loved. I did a good job, so I feel okay.
I am SO glad my daughter got home to have time with her this week, that meant so much to them both.
Mom smiled her last smiles at her granddaughter, and they did love each other.
It is good.
love,
Hops
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Thank you so much for letting us know, Hops. I am thinking of you often today.
How wonderful to have complete closure and confidence that you did what you could for her--and everything you could. You sound so calm and at peace.
So much love to you (update us when you can on other stuff???)
CB
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I'm so sorry for your loss, Hops. It's wonderful that you had no unfinished business, and that the end for her was peaceful. Clearly she was blessed and lucky to have you and your daughter to comfort her last days. Yes, stand up for yourself. Take back your life. Full speed ahead.
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I am sorry for the loss of your M. I am sending thoughts of comfort to you.
Ami
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I have a hypothesis on why you do not feel sad.
You do not feel sad because you have peace. You know you are and you were a good daughter, and took care of her and did the best you could and helped her so much.
Sometimes people are sad when elderly loved ones die because they have remources.
You were an excellent daughter and did everything you could for her.
You are a wonderful human being.
I am so proud of you!
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Hops,
You did good, kid. You took good care of your mother. She was well cared for and went in peace and she was loved. How wonderfull for you to have complete closure (as CB said).
I am SO glad my daughter got home to have time with her this week, that meant so much to them both.
Mom smiled her last smiles at her granddaughter, and they did love each other.
I had peaceful, loving time with her, and my daughter did even more, sitting with her for hours
Final Gifts...
May you all be at peace...
(((Hops and D)))
Love
Deb
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Ah Hops...
(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((Hops))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
When you've rested & tended to your needs, taking all the time it takes, is soon enough. For anything.
Thinking of you on this Monday.
(ps... I still haven't found time to wrap up my delivery for you... and I feel like a total slug... but I haven't forgotten.)
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Hops: In a way, I am jealous of you. You are free. Sometimes I think the only thing that will truly release me from her is her passing. Not that I wish that becuause she is young, but she is always there. I have freed myself from her for the most part but..............
wishing you strength through the service and then peace with your bro...
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((((Hops and dd)))
I hope you get to say your final goodbyes to you Mother without further distress from brother.
You're an amazing human being and I'm so glad you've found peace through all this.
Thanks for posting an update. I was just thinking about you.
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Dear (((((((((((Hops))))))))))),
I'm glad your mother's suffering is over and that you have made peace with her and especially.....this:
I did a good job
You did Hops. Very much so.
And as usual, you sound graceful and able to show such honour, even where it may not be deserved.
Mof2 said it: You're an amazing human being
I so agree!
Take good care of you now Hops.
Keeping you in my prayers re interaction with your brother.
Sela
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Wellllll.........a few days later and I'm not feeling so saintly.
The legal ramifications are sinking in.
In a nutshell, unless I get financing for $140K to buy out my evil brother ... I'm forced to sell this house at a huge loss in a terrible market and I'm out on the sidewalk. Minus a home, minus a nestegg, and REALLY:
This is how narcissists say thank you.
What's really been sinking in in recent days is not just him, but the reality of how literally she did not care about the actual consequences to me of her whims. This should not surprise me, but it is still devastating. Gee, was ten years Cinderellatude not long enough? Should it have been 20?
I know the answer. I am lucky to be alive after 10 and I should count my blessings. I have decades ahead to build a happy life, whether in this house or another.
I will not stay bitter, my setpoint is in a different place. But in the shuffle to care for her final rest, and at the same time field increasingly discouraging messages from my lawyer about my LACK of rest...the reality of my mother's legacy is sinking in.
Fortunately my D is here through the week and has been just amazing. Boy is she making up for my rotten time with her in Miami. She is helping so much I'm stunned by it. She's cleaned and sorted and decluttered and is going to sit and study while I file. She has been a champ. And that is healing we needed.
The big picture is more meaningful and life is rich and good, but money is a painful frustration right now. My D and I are frugal until our shoes wear through and it feels like swallowing seawater.
There, all whined out. I'm really going to be okay. I just can't yet see the way through.
But it will come.
Love to everyone and thank you for your loving messages.
I really want the board to live!
love
Hops
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Ah ((((((((((((((((HOPS))))))))))))))))))))).
Keep on focussing on the fact that the universe knows all and will provide what you need. Your struggle and sacrifices won't go unrewarded or unnoticed and all will be well in the end. (ps - I think you're entitled to some whining!!!!)
Turning the other cheek doesn't include letting people walk all over you. Yield, but don't give up - to lead the opponent into error.
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I am just stunned that I have not seen this thread until right now.
I am so sorry to read about your mother's death. Though I fully understand that her passing will bring a kind of relief, an unburdening, a release from overbearing responsiblity. But my sorrow for you also comes because there is a struggle, a suffering that transpires with the adjustments that follow the death of a mother - no matter the quality of that relationship.
As you have posted, some of those adjustments are tangible and obvious but as we all here know, so many of them take place on levels that we cannot pull out into our consciousness no matter how we try. Those battles and those adjustments seem to be the most painful and most difficult.
My heart is with you. I do care and wish I were there to hold your hand and give you a hug as you muddle through the estate and house issue. I am so angry about the way your mother left things. I am angry for you and angry for myself for the estate nightmares that I have (and still) endured.
It is a slow burn. The hellish issues last long past the grieving period and the support and compassion all but dries up just at the time you really need it.
I am thinking of you and feeling at a loss. I truly long to drive over to your home and be there with you and help you continue this gross paper shuffle. I want to sit by your side and encourage you and give you strength to conquer the miasma that the legal system shoves down our throat. I know I can do this from here but I do long to be physically present wwith you and am sorry that I cannot be. Instead I will be lifting you up and encouraging you from afar through this cyber space.
Much love to you Hops. - GS
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Hoppy,
I am sorry for this Mess that you are left with. Please I know you don't want to hear this but you Were Her Child and Acknowledged. You are in the Will even If things have to be Sold or bought out. You may have been left with a Mess but you Were left in the Will. Her child.
My H was Left out of His mothers Will and Only found this out After she was Dead and Ashes. This was planned 15 years ago when his F died and his Sis and M sat doing the New Will where he Was not Put in This Time but told it would be 50/50.
All I heard him Cry was but I don't understand they were my mother and Father too...I don't understand. I was their Son. I don't understand Mommy Said...to be met with...her reading the Will not even a Tear over his Pain and Shock and Betrayal.
and more Pained with his own mother who did not even Leave a Clause in the Will to be contested...for at least a fight of I am a Child.
I was left out of my mothers will (for protection of what would be half of mine from my ex h) and let my sister handle everything.
I had nothing to worry about AND the Attorney Sitill left Clause ..just in case...So I could contest if needed to be....
And she didn't even leave him with that Mess...He was left with the WAS I loved Less then my Sister Mess and betrayed by his own Mother to Not Knowing anything he Thought He knew...Imagine that...to not feel Mattered about....not even to leave a clause..of Her other Child even if it meant the coward way out...but they mattered enough for A fight!
Not even that. Not even closure of Did I matter to You the same as my Sister..or maybe that is the closure....Maybe the answere was No.
At least you mattered in the End Hops...Your there acknowledged by your mother as her Child.
Imagine not being and being told you were.
Fight Hops. She gave you clause she gave you half...She gave you I have two children even if she didn't come through wth what she promised..She gave you something!!! She gave you Name in her Will my Child.
Now you go get that financing. You have lived there for many years you should have it. You should have equity in the house to cover being able to be financed, No? Then you split every thing there is to split and Sell what you don't want and Get a Nest Egg that way...It can be done Hops.
And to hell with your brother Fight Hops Fight she did at least leave you with this. It's something. Your ackowledged and I know my husband would have given anything to at least have that even if it meant losing everything...it would have mattered that she said he was Her Child and he gets something/half/ an old Sock....just something.
Love to you Hoppy,
It will be alright.
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Hops.... I hope you can get that loan and find a very nice appropriate renter with similar interests.
You couldn't take in a renter before..... but you can now.
I've had some great roomaters. Found fellowship too.
I'm wondering.... in this market..... won't it take a good long time to sell the place? Maybe a year or so?
What are the terms of the sale and estate?
I hope it's not impossible ((((Hops)))
So sorry your mother put you in this unfair position.
It's so wrong.
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Thank you, GS...amazing how toxic the legacies can be, isn't it.
But Deb, thank you for reminding me in my self-pity and anger that It Could Be Worse!
In a way, it frees me. I don't want to mourn this woman who wore me out and kicked me out of a house I begged her to allow me to keep (even if I had to pay off my brother in some way, I begged her to not leave me in ANY way legally entangled with him).
And she did exactly the opposite of what I needed most. To boot, she explicity stated in her will that "the house will be sold". This goes on top, in me, of the memories of her silkily telling me that "a certain elegance is expected in this neighborhood" and in many other ways making it clear that I was not GOOD enough to live here. (Because she once thought of being an interior decorator in the 40's--well, she had the taste.) She, the priNcess of the house...deserved such pleasant surroundings. But I, as a politically liberal and sometimes contrarian daughter, did not.
I was good enough to be her Cinderella Steppin Fetchit for a decade, but not to leave our shared home. (Who'm I kidding? It was never my home. She made that plain.)
That is what I am struggling most to forgive her for--leaving me legally enmeshed with the monster of my childhood--WHEN SHE KNEW. Just as she knew of her own father's monstrosity, molesting her sister--and my mother always called her sister, his victim, "the difficult one."But...it's like forgiving someone for having an extra, or one less, limb. Narcissism is a psychic mutation of some kind, and I might as well think of it that way.
In the meantime, I am struggling to decide what is right for me. Here are the options:
--get a large loan to buy out Doug and have my monthly expenses double what they are now (for 30 years), which will leave me in an eternal financial strain. Unless there's some unexpected good fortune. Then again, this house is lovely and in a prime location, so its value will definitely rebound over the years as the economy does
--sell the house and buy a tiny place outright (or almost outright); more financial peace but less value
--rent (flexibility but no equity)
--leave town for a better job (not likely that I'd want to do that)
I enthusiastically WELCOME advice, opinions, thoughts...truly, VESMB siblings, you all have guided me before and I truly welcome it now. Thank you in advance for anything you'd care to write.
Mo2, the will states: I leave 2/3 of my house to my D and 1/3 to my S. The house will be sold and they will divide the contents by agreement.
What agreement? The S has slandered me all over town, destroyed the family and taken me to court! I had to change the locks! And we're supposed to have sentimental chats over candlesticks?
The woman was MAD. That level of denial of reality and toxic sentimentality is a horror to me.
But I am signed up to take a 3-session adult religious education class on forgiveness. I am still angry and have some bitterness but I know I won't linger there longer than I can't help. My setpoint is forgiveness, compassion, and good cheer. So I will get there.
Just now? I am disgusted with my mother, not feeling one bit treacly about her memory (though for her service I did write a poem that remembered the good parts, the tenderer parts of being her child...and she was an amazingly gifted teacher--so much so that she had a first-grader from decades ago at the service).
There was the public mother--who was awe-inspiring. Teacher to many, virtuous wife and mother and community admonisher (I have a folder stuffed with her letters to the editor on correct behavior)... the private mother was competitive, didn't like having a "pretty" daughter, etc, etc. Ugh.
So clearly, I'm still banging around in my skull. I'll settle down soon, I promise.
Meanwhile, advice on the Big Decisions is VERY welcome (I may not take it but I would be very grateful to hear it).
love,
Hops
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Hops. OK, for what it's worth:
Fuck forgiveness for now. Get pissed the eff off. Are you kidding me? You were there for her and this is the outcome?
Now, when the time comes, consider that she did leave you 2/3. Take everything of value inside you feel entitled to, sell what you don't want, keep what you do.
And ask yourself: this lovely house in this lovely neighborhood--will it ever be free of these sick associations? Or might a fresh start be liberation? I'm not suggesting an answer, just saying it might be worthwhile to really put yourself (mentally) somewhere else, free of the financial stress, free of the past, and see how that feels.
Yesterday I discovered my mother crying. Thirty years after one of my NF's epic piece of shit asshole moments, it still destroys her. We talked about it. There were very material losses involved--he stole from her not only emotionally, but financially. She has struggled ever since. The one good thing? She walked away from the N. Actually, he walked away, and ruined several other lives along the line, the point being she was severed, physically, from the ties that bound her to those wishes, those unfulfilled dreams. And finally, we laughed, because she's so very glad she did.
Not sure if that's at all helpful. But it's from the heart.
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I'm not sure what the terms of the sale are.
Do you remain in the home till the sale is final?
Do you have to make a house payment?
Does your brother have access to the property now?:
If not, when will he, if ever?
I'm hoping things remain the same until the house sells.
That you're safe there..... that there's no house payment and you can afford to be there.
Not sure what your situation is.
I know banks don't want to loan money now..... they don't want to take houses back either.
Is your brother making his share of the tax payments, at this point?
Insurance?
What do you think will happen over the next 6 months?
The will surely didn't say you have to sell the house cheap in a certain timeframe, did it?
My gut says you'd be happier in a smaller house..... all your own, without the emotional baggage.
I'm hoping your house is paid for, that you can live there for a good long while and get a roomate and save money while exploring other home options.
You took care of your mother for 10 years.
You deserve to remain in your home, unmolested by your brother, till the economy improves and you can get a good price for the house, IMO.
At least she willed you 2/3 instead of half.
He didn't completely bully her..... she could have willed him the entire house, I suppose.
(((Hops))) I'm thinking there's a garden out there, all your own.... just waiting for your dance.
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Hey Hops,
--get a large loan to buy out Doug and have my monthly expenses double what they are now (for 30 years), which will leave me in an eternal financial strain. Unless there's some unexpected good fortune. Then again, this house is lovely and in a prime location, so its value will definitely rebound over the years as the economy does
--sell the house and buy a tiny place outright (or almost outright); more financial peace but less value
--rent (flexibility but no equity)
--leave town for a better job (not likely that I'd want to do that)
Lets see a Lovely House in a Prime Location with a doubled expenses then what they are now for 30 more years and Repairs that always come up when you don't want them to. Eternal financial Strain. And life in this lovely home could turn into a lovely Prison in a prime location....OR
A lovely home that may be smaller and all cozy and warm and decorated Owned Outright or Almost where you come home kick off your shoes and lay back to It's MINE..A feeling of Peace and Security, Living, Loving and HapppYYY!!
Maybe a Vacation or two..A savings...and A house that your LIVING IN and NOT LIVING FOR....
Now That's Value to me in all ways. Freedom, Freedom, Freedom, Ya!
Rent NaH...
Change Jobs/New Location..well not likely now but still would have opportunity to do this even with a smaller house to be sold when you want to...Just Go..or Not...but happy and stress free. Freedom, Freedom, freedom..ya!
Maybe you can just go looking at open houses on Sundays. Just see whats out there. Imagine buying a small house and Oh so lovely decorated and possibly enough money to rent a Beach House for the Summer...
Oh boy, those were the days...I was 22 rented apt and had a beach house for the summer..Weekend, Vacation, Long Weekends...GONE... on the beach, flip flops and a bathing suit, shorts, Ah loved it.
Then the Family and trips but no Beach Houses anymore....Not affordable at the time had a family to raise, many bills, college, two in college at the same time..AND GOD I could not walk around in a bathing suit anymore, filp flops yes and to date.
Grown Children and one 14 Out Right Own my House and looks like beach houses can be happening Again....Soon..Maybe, and bathing suit, I dunno about that one although I am Meno so WHO CARES!!! WHO HOO!! It's My God Given Right as a Woman to be FICKLE NOW!!
Think Hops, Think Hard..
Love
Deb
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Ya know what Hops?
Sheeeeeeeeee.......wasn't good enough.....did not deserve.....to shine the shoes of her lovely, kind, considerate, fair, trustworthy, selfless daughter (YOU Hops). She was blessed with you and wasted all opportunity. Regardless of it being her illness....it is still clear that sheeeeeeeee.......was the one who did not recognize the truly blessed gift she was given and who missed out the most.
No house, no neighbourhood, no four walls will ever equal what you have (amazing attritubes that allow you to truly live and to enjoy life's gifts).
Maybe......it would be best to leave that place where all the baggage is stored and find a new, safe, fresh home......where your brother will have no right to enter and where you can move forward without ever having to worry about being bullied or devalued again?
I know it sucks. So much of it sucks but what you have Hops.......is priceless! You are like a seed that is sprouted and will continue to grow into a beautiful, fragrant flower. The two of them (your mother and brother) have been rotting from the inside out since birth and are like the smelly muck at the bottom of a swamp.
((((hug))))
Sela
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Hops,
It is not easy to take care of an aging parent especially one with NPD. You did this Hops with compassion and forgiveness and kept your mother as comfortable as she could be.
And she did exactly the opposite of what I needed most. To boot, she explicity stated in her will that "the house will be sold". This goes on top, in me, of the memories of her silkily telling me that "a certain elegance is expected in this neighborhood" and in many other ways making it clear that I was not GOOD enough to live here.
Now Hoppy what did she really make clear? That she suffers from NPD and her Image she wanted to Project..*a certain elegance is expected in this neighborhod* and it's Mine and I am the only one that would EVER be Good Enough To KEEP the Image...So I take it with Me...Sell the House....My Image Stands even in Death.
Come on Hops don't do this to yourself. There was no one in this World that would be Good Enough so she took it with her...It's to be put up for Sale...
So lets see here Hops..either
A She would force you both Out and Neither of you buy
B) She was hell bent on keeping this Image even bringing it to death with her by *to be sold* not my house not my Image.
C) The new Image of the person who will be Buying her Home will make their Own Image and God Forbid her D be able to hold
up that *certain elegance* that only she could for she would not allow it.
D) I left you more of the share for you did more for me BUT you must hold up to my Standards and I will make it very difficult
for you to hang on to because as I once said...I don't think you are Good Enough at Image as I was. Let's see. It would be
to easy to just give it to you and possibly then I may have not been all that *special* for you possess *elegance* not only inside
but outside and nothing with you was for Show or Just Image. Your just a lovely Person and You know that maybe inside
I was never *good enough* for myself and that is why everything Outside must be perfect and I must be Lovely then. I really
wasn't that lovely behind closed doors or to my own family. And maybe because I suffer with NPD I just don't see anything other
then I want to see.
E) None of the Above.
But Hops, Stop....the words you heard were coming from someone who suffered with NPD. They are sick people and you were a good D to your mother no matter what she suffered with. Let those words go in one ear and out the other...They are a bunch of Crap Words. You are Good. I will not say Enough...There is no measurement to your Goodness it just keeps on Going.
You know Hops the *certain amount of elegance* to live in the neighborhod can be as Fake as the people that live in them are when the doors close.
You are no Fake Hops Your *elegance shows inside out* ..
And Hops if you decide to Buy your Brother Out...I'd just love to Show up with a huge DISCO BALL the really Cheesy Ones in the Middle of your Yard with a Band Playing:
Now Put your Hands Up in the Air and Wave them Around like you Just Don't' Care....Say!!! Ouu Ouu..
Have some Beer Trucks Pull up where you just go over with your Beer Mug and Hit Tap...Maybe some activities going on...such as...Beer Ping PongTables Set up..
Of couse Kegs for the People who want to do Keg Stands..
Some Boxes of Wine with the tap sitting on Each Table You know the plastic ones with Duck Tape around the broken Legs and Someone who walks around with *shots* as we chant...Chug, chug, chug....
Oh and I saw a bar with a grass skirt around it that said...in lights...This way to the Tiki Bar.. but...also....A lit up Surf Board. Throw in a Few lit up Flamingo's and Ballons on Each Mail Box straight to your House...
And of couse we need Hats, lays for our neck...oh maybe the shot glasses that come on a necklace...and the big Foam Gloves with the middle Finger pointing saying....Welcome to my Neighborhood....
Now put your hand up in the Air and Wave them Around like you Just don't Care...say ouu...ouu...
How's that for elegance...Think they Expect that....
Sorry Hoppy...Just trying to Make you Laugh.
Love to you
Deb.
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Hey Hops...
I second what GJazz said about letting yourself have a really good, thorough, well-deserved RANT (on paper, privately in your mental "anger room", here... wherever). Reason I say that, is that I find it's really, really not possible to skip over being angry to the forgiving stage... because then, I'm betraying myself - effectively saying I don't deserve to be angry... (pardon me french -- that's bullshit!) Get thee worked up into a right, royal tizzy... and then it's much easier - and time - to let it go.
:: OK... I'm in a weird space today... transitions of my own ::
ADVICE:
well, Hops... the division of the property 2/3 to 1/3 sounds like she's challenging you. "If you want the house, I'll make you fight for it" kind of thing. Engineering more drama, from beyond.
Don't fall for it! :P
Put the house on the market - things are looking up real estate wise (tho' the signs of life are still mighty faint). First time home buyers are guaranteed a federal tax credit for buying and they ARE buying... remember this, when it's your turn! You're in a good location where faculty are always moving into and out of the area... and the local uni can be source of good leads.
You can continue to live in the house while it's being sold... but ask your lawyer if that impacts the 2/3 amount. I don't know what this does to the situation with your brother and the house. Back to the lawyer, for those questions.
And while all that's happening, your "meditation koan" for the next month or so is going to have to be: what do I really want to do? Here I'm being given this opportunity... what is it exactly... what does it offer?... what I can do (that maybe you've given up all hope of being able to do) with it?
It's a hell of thing to go through this. A lot isn't apparent immediately... (right, tt??... catspaw...did I leave anyone out? I think so.) Seems like it would've all been settled years ago during puberty or our wild & crazy 20's... but no... SOME of us, maybe all of us, get a do-over when we're finally freed from the vampire N's grip... later in life.
I've decided to not make a plan. Don't need one and I'm pretty sure I don't want one. I have an outline, and that's enough. I'm fortunate enough to finally have a chance to decide what I want to do-be-do-be-doo... when I've done nothing long enough that I can't stand it anymore. I'll know what to do when I get there. Gonna "wing it" this time... spontaneously and as the spirit moves me.
That works for me... but I'm certain it won't work for everyone! Closest I can get to describing what you need to investigate within yourself, Hops... about where to look for the answers to your questions.
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What I want for you is what I hear in your words that you want. I want it for you because I want it for me - what is rightfully yours, what should be.
Clearly the financing will not be easy, might not look possible, but perhaps worth fighting for. I can't really get into giving advice but I can give support. Follow your heart. I believe in you Hopsy.
I have found a place between repression and force that is allowing me to clean one tiny square at a time. After lo these many months since you first gave me that concept, I have finally identified my barriers and then found techniques for overcoming them. Right now your barriers are financial and emotional but I simply believe that you can get around them.
I just want to be in your corner fighting with you. What ever option you pick - I'm with you.
Oh - and I echo what GJazz and PR say about forgiveness. I definitely encourage you to be angry first lest you slip into the netherworld of denial. You have a lifetime of letting go and forgiving but now is the time to grieve and this loss enrages and I am referring to the mothering rather than the mother - grieving the mothering and nurturing and caring and giving and all that is entailed in the ultimate paradigm of mother that you lost, that never was. Allow yourself to grieve that and be angry.
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I can't even imagine a negotiation between your brother and you, regarding contents of estate.
I don't want him in your home.
I don't want him touching your things.
I can't believe this happened to you, Hops.
Your mother made a deal with you...... it seems she shouldn't be able to go back on that contract.
Especially when your brother snuck around and had her sign a secret will when she was already out of her mind.
Makes no sense..... seems that wouldn't undo the verbal/original? contract she'd made with you?
So sorry, Hops..... it's so wrong.
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I owe all of you individualized thoughtful answers and am so tired I can't even think of the words.
For tonight I CAN say
THANK YOU
Fwiw, the deal is:
I'm in the house
I have housemates who are now paying a good chunk of the expenses
I'm paying the rest
I've been pre-approved for financing
I have to go through the court to offer my brother a buyout (am making it nice and low)
I give up on the invoice idea (attorneys both say won't fly)
I do have a smaller totally documented amount I paid which I WILL invoice (times I paid the nursing home, etc)
I think it makes most sense to try this first.
It will let me be here and breathe my way into the next chapter without being forced to sell at a terrible time in the real estate market.
I dread moving and I am in a state of exhaustion.
I don't have to make this a permanent choice.
I could sell next year or even later and still buy another small place.
But I could breathe a bit and be untangled from him if I buy him out.
Being forced out on HIS timetable is a bad idea, emotionally.
(Worse perhaps than staying here and making it my own despite her implicit lack of support for the idea).
She is gone really gone, and the house stuff is just...more surface than that core thing.
But I'm still unsure, uncertain, and I need to let that be okay.
Oy, sorry not to write you each...will do, but I'm cramming bank appointments and lawyer emails around
looooooooong workdays.
much love,
Hops
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Breathe, Hops. Sleep well. The mantra is:
I'm
Almost
There.
I'm
Almost
Free.
And
I'll
Get
There.
Very soon. Feel the weight lift. Let your friends help.
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Uncertain is good, Hops. It's wise & smart & means you're looking out for yourself.
Uncertain means there's room for something NEW - something DIFFERENT than what you're used to. Uncertain means that change is greasing the wheels of karma... and only time stands between you and what you're longing for. Yes..... plenty to do! and not all of it fun or pleasant.
But you're up to it. You're ready. You know what you want. It doesn't all have to get done all at one time... all things in due time. Sounds like you've made a heroic start - you've gotten the process rolling! Now release the outcome, being involved at the critical points to keep things on track... and care well for yourself while others carry the process forward.
Your news sounds very, very hopeful!
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One response to all, is just right, Hops.
Sounds like you're covering your bases and looking for best solutions.....
very wise.
I'm so proud of your choice to take care of business at hand, and sit with the difficult questions.
Not run around making decisions off the cuff.
Sounds like you a handle on the situation.
(((Hops))) It'll be OK.
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Dear Hops,
I just saw your post. Sorry for the late expression of sympathy for the loss of your mother.
I hoping for only the best for you.
Thinking of you during this sad and injust times. How unbelievable the power they try and hold over you, even when they pass.
Even if you keep the house for now down the road doesn't mean you can't decide it is too much and sell it later, in better times, ( value wise).
It may be a blessing in disguise?
Thrilled to hear of your daughter, and the comfort and support you are giving eachother. ((Hops and Dear Daughter))
Sending love, peace and comfort your way. Keep strong dear friend. Love seasons (miss you)
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Hops, whatever feels right will do eh?
It's a lot to deal with all at once anyway.
And as you say, if you get to control the time table, you will feel like you are not being bullied (which I have a feeling is what the trouble is......him pushing you out......your mother pushing you out.......you pushing back and saying: "Not now, thankyou").
That's good standing up for yourself and if you can manage the place and want to stay.....nothing wrong with that. Not at all.
Best to you Hops.
Take your vitamins.
Sela
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Dear, dear Hops, This is so sad what you are going through. My heart goes out to you, I couldn’t, nor wouldn’t be to my NM what you have been to yours these last years. That makes you a much better person than I could hope to be. Kudos on top of kudos to you.
In my humble opinion I believe you are making a very wise decision in regards to the house. Simply because it’s not wise to rush into or away after such a loss in one’s life, or so I’ve read. It is suggested to wait maybe a year or so to move on. And I hope that you do move when you feel ready. I hope in time that you can wash your hands of the past and start anew, with a big free smile on your face.
Let yourself grieve however it happens for you. Remember that anger, blaming, guilt, sadness and acceptance are all parts of grief that we just seem to all have to go through.
My mother is 83 now, and both of my brothers died within the last year. That leaves me… a strange feeling as an only child. I don’t seem to be grieving for him. By him, I mean my elder brother the ‘golden child’, the co-abuser. He died unexpectedly in Feb. I still feel sadness about my younger brother who died a year ago the night before Easter. The strange nothing I feel about my older brother is what I expect I’ll feel about the NM whenever she passes on. I just don’t know. I suppose if I feel anything it’s mainly anger, maybe a bit of sorrow because they are sick, sick people. But it’s really more of a strange pity.
I’ve been off-line most of the past year so I wasn’t sure if I should reply or not. I will be praying for you and for the guidance in your decision making. I wish you peace in your heart. You are a loving person. Always remember that.
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My Dear Hoppy-
Please let me extend my condolences at the loss of your mother. Your mother was very fortunate to have you and your daughter in her life. I know that she was well taken care of , and that you sacrificed a great deal for her benefit. You have also been such a comfort and help to me, and to many others. Please know that you have the love, prayers, gratitude and support of so many at this time...
I know that you will prevail in whatever comes, that you have done what is right and deserve to be treated justly in all things ...
Love,
Changing
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Hi Hops,
Haven't been commentng lately but here I am anyway.
Not sure what to say about your mother cause I'm not sure how you really feel about her, long term. Not sure you know either.
In any event I am somewhat involved in real estate and suspect prices have, at most, another 10-15% to fall before returning to their historical trend. That of course is contingent on some sort of economic stabilisation and recovery which I believe already began around the first of the year. Hopefully that will continue.
If you're already preapproved for financing, which is no small thing these days, it seems to me you're being given a potentially very good opportunity to buy at the bottom. Even if it proves too much and you have to eventually sell, it wouldn't be any worse than giving up and being forced to sell right now at what will probably be a court expedited, and therefore less than optimal sale at what is surely very close to the worst possible time.
Do keep in mind one thing. If you do buy be prepared to wait no small time for prices to begin to resume their long term trend upward. In some areas 80% of sales are foreclosures so there is a lot of inventory voluntarily sitting on the sidelines waiting for prices to begin climbing again. When they do that inventory will come on the market and keep prices constrained. On the otherhand one other issue to consider is that less than 400,000 single family homes are being built this year. There are approxiamtely 1.2 million new households formed every year. So eventually supply and demand will equalize. If you can look long term I think you will be best served by buying it and holding on.
The sharp people are buying right now. They were the ones selling three or four years ago.
The saps or the unlucky did the opposite.
Generally it is better to be sharp.
mud
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Hi Hops,
I have not been online for such a long time. I am relieved that your time as a care-giver for your mother has passed and hope you are able to take some time to nurture yourself. I am so sorry to hear about your mother's will and the forthcoming decisions you will have to make to sort everything out. I can imagine it will be such a difficult time and wish you strength in your decision making process.
Please take good are of yourself,
Axa xxx
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PR, GS, Seasons, M02, Mud, Axa, forgive me if I missed anybody...
Thank you!
I am coping okay with the legal stuff. Realizing that at the moment, my brother has lost a lot of his power to terrify me. He has initially refused my buy-out offer, but it's stupid of him to do that, and at some point he may want the money more than he wants to be difficult. We'll see. Meanwhile I'm taking one thing at a time.
I do want to stay, just don't have the energy to leap forward.
I've realized I'm mildly depressed, so am taking steps to find a new counselor for some short-term talk therapy about the transition.
I'm letting go of fantasies about a future with Gennulman, as well. He has been a extremely dear friend and wonderful support, but I just CAN'T have an unemployed alcoholic boyfriend at this age. I'm just not willing, and I'm slowly overcoming the guilt. He, and his sister, have been amazing help to me. But I don't owe them my life in return.
Duh.
I'm resting a lot and looking forward to small pleasures...like watching Marley & Me tonight.
love and thanks to all of you, whom I now don't have to fear losing any time soon, since Doc G saved the board!
xxxxxxxxooooooo,
Hops
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You're right.
You don't owe Gennulman your life in exchange for kindness.
You're worthy
and
it's reciprocal.
There's no reason for guilt, Hops.
Maybe try St. Johns wort for the depression?
I think it's a good thing.
Keep being kind to yourself, my dear friend.
Mo2
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Hops,
Sorry to hear what you're going through.
After my mother died, a therapist friend of mine told me that I was going through a "complicated grief": Feeling many mixed feelings & dealing with the realities of the aftermath which she landed me in, the 'legacy'. Grief counseling really helped me. Try to find a counselor who understands Nism.
I think depression comes with the territory & IMO, good to hear it's mild.
I think you're right that your brother wants the money more than being irksome. Hold on, take it day by day, hour by hour.
"But I don't owe them my life in return." Wow! that is beautiful. It's a new chapter & a new life & we're finally free to be who we really are.
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Well, I'd be depressed too Hops! Your mom's gone - and it's still not over yet. Good on you for getting someone to talk it all through with. I think Ann's got a good point about "complicated grief". You've been dealt some extra stuff to deal with and it's a kindness to yourself to find someone to help you sort, categorize, and identify it all. Take it all one thing at a time.
Legacies (of any kind) seem to generate roller-coasters, emotionally. Even in my case - where I wasn't that close to my Dad - I've gone through extreme highs and lows several times, in the past 6 mos. And it's not over for me yet, either.
I hope that somewhere in the process of finishing all the legal and emotional stuff, that your perfect "knight in shining armor" shows up to keep you company throughout the new life you're transitioning into. You deserve it!
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Hops,
You are doing an amazing job as you work through so much at one time. You sound so healthy and strong to verbalize and take steps on getting what you need. Appreciate what you have and no one's gratitude........... is their life in return! Glad you can see that during this time in your life. Props to you!
Hope "Marley and Me" puts a smile on your face and warms your heart. You deserve much rest, peace and healthy mind and spirit. I know it will all fall in place for you. Your clouds with be replaced with rays of sunshine. I can feel it and can see it for you..............((hops)) love seasons
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Hello Hops:
So sorry for your loss and please know that my thoughts are with YOU, as you wade through the aftermath. You have much support here...much love and respect and appreciation for the person you are. Don't be hard on yourself. A narcissistic parent spends a lifetime abusing their children.....it will take some time to move past it and deal with the realities. But I think when you are finally on the other side, you will experience the sweet taste of freedom you have probably rarely felt in your life. You can build the life you want....regardless of the four walls that surround it. You will be able to recognize that there are people who care about you and value you.....and hopefully, you will be able to recognize once more the good that still resides in this world.
Please take very special care of yourself.....
Sunblue
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Hops,
I tried to write to you here the other day but got kicked out of the page...
I am sorry for all that you are going through, especially on top of normal grief.
I really just want to send you a hug and wishes for strength to make it through until the sun starts shining again.
(((((((((((((((((Hops))))))))))))))
Beth