Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival => Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board => Topic started by: mattiedread on September 23, 2004, 10:53:54 AM
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First: I've read many posts on this board and it is cathartic to know there are others who witness such bizarre behavior. This is the first place I've been where I feel comfortable describing this behavior without the fear of people thinking I'm crazy.
I'd like to create a consise list without so much clarification. Possibly create a thread to deal with experiences of one of more of these specific characteristics of Ns. I think I might find that helpful on those occasions where I find myself dwelling on my family.
What are some of the less talked about traits of Ns? In other posts I've seen allusions to or the mention of certain behaviors that mirror my experiences with Ns, but, they aren't directly spoken about. For example, which, if any, would you say your N does/has... and, what other traits would you add:
1. Coniving/scheming
2. Greedy (for material wealth)
3. Jealous (beyond belief, but plays 'humble')
4. Theatrical... lots of drama
5. Victem/persecution complex
6. 'Flips' a situation (for example, if an N were to punch you in the face and you were to respond verbally they would claim that you actually hit them in the fist with your face and you are evil for doing so, and claiming that they hit you). This is a tool used so commonly in my family against me and those that are associated with me. Daily, big big 'schemes' and ultimately why I ceased all contact with them five years ago. I could literally give thousands of examples of this.
7. Very brazen with their lies... so much so that they don't care if the lie is not vaguely believable or if it contradicts another lie they told seconds earlier.
8. Compartmentalized, for lack of a better word. What I mean is that some people think they are the nicest/greatest thing in the world while a few see the truely evil side.
I'm very curious to see if others have these experiences. Please add others as I'm sure I've left a few out that I meant to add.
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Hi,
Great list!
1. Loud.
Are your Ns loud? All the ones I know are.
2. Dismissive.
8) Seeker
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1. Paranoid
2. Jealous and Possessive
3. Hair trigger temper
4. Cowardly (only interested in intimidating women, afraid of men standing up to them)
6. Substance Abuser (alcholol and/or drugs
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Moonflower: it is funny that state that describes your nm to a T and then list several of things I should have listed in my original list.
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Isolating.
Blaming.
Addictive (Work, Smoking, Sex)
Impulsive
Afraid to be Alone.
Can't cuddle.
Verbally abusive.
k2
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Oh the traits..well some of these are repeats from other lists, but I need to describe them to someone who understands for my own sanity..dunno if that makes sense..
Arrogant..N g/f sits across the room from me, arms tightly crossed nose in the air(literally) holding court about how sick others are, how incompetent, eyes darting about, talking about how the people in the past have let her down, disappointed her, abused her etc., and what a survivor she is thruogh it all. In public it's all about her honors psych degree(imagine that) and awards and victories in her life, with a little scourn for her ex-husband and family thrown in. Oh, and how the grocery clerk admired her and surely wanted to ask her out. She tells me that.
Fearful and Insecure late at night, when it's the two of us, when the intimacy should be there, she frets and cries aloud abouit the future that might not go her way. About people who won't do what she wants them to..by the way..you will notice that nowhere in any of this am I mentioned..I seem to never, never be the focus of her attention. I feel like her therapist, except that I never get to give feedback unless it's "I'm sorry your feeling bad honey" or "I'm sorry your ex was such a jerk".
And as for intimacy, I think that's where I have been brought to my knees. Closeness, or what would seem like it, comes very seldom, and when it does she initiates it or it doesn't happen. When I try, I get the most dead-cold reaction, it just wipes me out. And when she does begin something, it is like a performance. I can see in her face her pride at being able to make me respond as I do. Feels almost like "bad touch"
Oh lord running out of time here..more will be revealed..Thanks for the post
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judgemental
predjudice
whiney
belittleing
authoritarian
blameless
no long term memory (or short term for that matter)
nosey
arguementative
mean, hateful, nasty, monster-like
degrading
dishonest
disrespectful
dictator-like
SCAREY!!!!!
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complaining
two-faced
back-stabbing
throws your weaknesses in your face
critical
selfish
generous to outsiders
super-intelligent
crooked cheater
remorseless
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Stubborn, entitled, intrusive, self-serving, superior, hurtful, controlling.
But underneath it all, incredibly naive and scared.
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also add: resorts to hoarding and stealing
can someone reorganize the whole list in alpha order or something, and repost it here? its a great list, and it is more inclusive than the ones from the textbooks. we should copyright this list :lol: !!
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I've experienced several already mentioned.... and I will add pseudo insightful
Whenever he behaved poorly/irrationally, he would supposedly see "the error of his ways" and what caused him to think & do what he did....
Of course, it would all keep getting repeated. Easy to see it isn't real insight... Only an intellectual ability to see what happened, seemingly with no true emotional root attached to it. That, coupled with realizing that the intellecutual revealing could be mistaken for emotional learning and growth by me (and it was), and it was his way out of the mess...
Many times it wasn't even directly related to anything he'd said or done, and he'd say such insightful things about relationships, communication, deep life issues, out of the blue, in general. That is so much what drew me to him, and kept hope for change alive for so long. But of course, he'd never "walk the walk"... It wasn't real, it was a hook...
BT
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Hi BT,
Pseudo-insightful--good one! When the alpha N does this, I get really, really antsy. Like, OK OK, I can take the superiority, arrogance, and domination, and sheer volume of your pronouncements, but puhleeze stop with the Wisdom act. Oi!
Seeker :)
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Only thing is..if on the rare occasion my N would admit her part in a conflict, she would always qualify it by blaming her alcoholic father for it..or her narcissistic mother in law, or her pill addict ex...but insightful, oh yes. That is what made me stand in awe of her. Amazing how she seemed to read people, so I thought. I know she certainly tells me what i'm thinking and where i'm seeing things wrongly. Insightful..ugh
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Well, BT. Mind if I just QUOTE your entire message here on this thread?
You have put it into words perfectly. I mean, Yes, yes and double-triple YES.
I'm gonna be looking at that post for a good, long while whenever I feel shaky about the whole mess. I was attached to him for 6 years. And getting detached wasn't easy for me. However, in this post, you have helped me realize what was tearing me (and my self-esteem) apart by being with him.
Thank you.
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Hi Dawning...
Attached (bolted to!) for 5 years in my case, and detaching was pure h*ll for me, too...
So glad you find that helpful :) It was so hard to get my head around that one. The insightful things said, that gave hope to things once again, were so easy to believe when I wanted them to be true more than anything. In fact, I think I never would have allowed myself to accept the truth consciously while being in contact with him in any way. I requested zero contact for 6 months (not knowing about him & Nism at that point), and only during that no contact time, was I able to step back and see what was really going on.
I think it has been several months for you? Has he ever contacted you again?
BT
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callus, cruel, dishonest
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Items 4-7 are dead ringers for my Ns. One counselor described my three Ns as very "invasive." Perfect description. Also described "splitting." Two of the Ns continually worked to create a split between me & the other N. Also, my Nmom worked hard (& successfully for many years) to create a "split" between my father & me. I am told this "splitting" is typical of NPD. fm
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In addition:
*demanding
*selfish (2x)
*childish
*over-whelming (in the guise of being protective)
*intrusive (2x)
And its all about getting their supply.
The childish trait (ie, both my parents) has had long-term effects on me. I find myself myself feeling compelled to have *child-like* experiences now to make up for the adult I had to be in my real childhood. I'm working on this. And allowing the child in me to come out around the *right* people now (ie, people I trust.)
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I see so much of my life on this thread!! I cannot understand why I never found this site before but was obviously looking in the wrong places!!
Arrogant
Judgemental
Humiliated myself and children in public
superior
word smith
confuser
intrusive
I'll never forget what he said to me when I suggested we needed counseling. " Oh I can counsel us. We don't need an outsider" Yikes that was scary. Thank God for insight and understanding!!!
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makes criticizing or devaluing comments
doesn't listen
diminishes the importance of feelings other than his/her own
calls me touchy/oversensitive
always interrupts
tells me how I brought it on myself
expects obedience
expects lavish gifts
belittles me but then accuses me of doing it to them