Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival => Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board => Topic started by: Lupita on June 17, 2009, 10:17:13 AM
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Hi dear friends. I had a sad experience but very helpful and teaching and learning experience.
First day of surgery. My doctor told me that I should nto sweat. My town is 100 F with no air condition in my mother's. My sis in low asked me to stay in her house where she has AC. I accepted. My mother got so mad that she started telling me horrible thinmgs. She threaten to kick my friend W from the house and to tell me that my sis in low was tired of me, bla bla..... I got so upset, (fell in the same trap I fell 30 years ago)... that I took seven sleeping pills. As a result, a surgery that should have been 4 h was 6 and i had a great hematoma, the anestesia was not working correctly and I was moving a lot, but anyway, god took care of me. My doctor did everything correctly and I am fine, with a little pain and a lot of sadness, but with much more understanding why I need to disconnect from my mother.
My doctor who knows me since we were children told me when he took som,e stitches out yesterday. "You are the scape goat in your family" You are a text book case.
My borther charged me money for the electricity for the use of the ac. I do not mind.
The doctor told them about the coimplications and nobody cared. My doctor told me that he was very sad that my family did not care about me.
My mother kept telling my ugly things on the phone and I told myh brother and my brother told me to please not to be looking for a fight.
Every time my mom calls I pass the phone to my sister in low and she takes care of her. She is not tellinmg me ugly things anymore.
I had nightmares with clowns that were diceaving people and bombarding the beach with pieces opf glasses that could hurt people.
At this moment I am tired to sleep in a hamac and I need to go to a hotel even if it is chip. My friend W is willing to pay half of it if we go to a hotel. Still I want to sepnd a few days in my mother's house. Just three.
Two more weeks and I will be back home, what is my home now, the USA, with no pain and no stitches and a free surgery from my best friend doctor who did a wonderful job and I look like 15 YO.
I finally accept that my moither will never love me. My borther will never love me either. My sister is a zomby and I have no family for moral support.
I finally accept that I have to move on.
Yesterday i had an appointment with the doctor to rmove some of the stitches. My sis IL was going to take me but my borther made her go to a meeting where she was not really needed. I had to take a bus. I could have called a taxi but believe it or not I did not think of it. I took the bus. But God was so good to me, that God produced a rain that lowere the temperature and I got in one of thjose rare busses which havd AC, and the walk was perfect after the rain with a wonderful temperature that did not sweat. My friend W said that things happen for a reason and I needded the walk so much. It was true. The walk took a lot of the swelling off and made me feel so well.
I was blessed yesterday with an independence that gave us the idea to go to a hotel. I am going to love it.
I feel very lonely anyway but not sad anymore.
I wish I could post a picture of my new face. I ma the same l;ooking 15 YO. You do not see a swollen 51 YO. You see a child swollen. I look incredible.
Love to yuo all.
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I am upset that after all the damage my mother has done to me, all my life, I still want to spend three days with her when i SHOULD not spend any. That is why I have perpetuated the abuse with my mother and other people too. I wish I had the courrage to cut her off my life once and for all.
My mother is targetting my soister in low and my nbephew now. The nephew is insulting his mother constantly and my borther allows it. It is crippy. If my sil buys bells she buys bells, if my sil puts flowers in her garden she puts flowers in her garden.
It seems like myh mother is competeing with my sil as a woman, not even as a mother. My brother is so stupid. I feels o sad. But not very sad, I kind of getting free, but not really free yet.
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Lupita - I'm glad you're recovering well and I hope that you're very happy with the results!
Thought I'd share this:
When I made my trip to the midwest to deal with estate/business matters, my Mother didn't know I was expected. I intentionally wasn't even going to be in that town. But by coincidence, I did end up there. My mother convinced me to go visit her. She works in a greenhouse and when I showed up - she said:
Can I help you?
She didn't even recognize me, when I got out of the rental car. It was a funny feeling; not really bad or painful or sad...
more like "it finally happened"... like reality fell into place - kachink! - for both of us at the same time and it was the first time we both experienced the same reality (she doesn't know me). Very odd.
If you visit your mother - I hope it's not too awful. It sounds like she's winding up to play the same FOO script out of beating up the scapegoat yet again. Please think twice about whether you're up to that, after your surgery. It must've felt good that your doctor recognized the situation for what it is and wasn't buying into the "blame Lupita" games.
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"I wish I had the courrage to cut her off my life once and for all."
You do - it is just down right difficult/painful.
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I refuse to lose my nieses, my cosins, my roots, my origin.
I think there has to be a way that my mother does not hurt me. I have to have a protectr barrier against her. I will go again to therapy as soon as I go back to USA.
I can detach. I will let her know in a way that she cant hurt me no more.
I am mad because I fell again the day of the surgery and that I couls have died and nobody cared.
Why do I want thier love. They donot deserve me.
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Why do I want to be with people who have abused me so much.
My molther only wants to do something with me if somebody else wants it. if I am alone she does not want to do anything with me.
Dr. Phill THAT IT IS LIKE a dog who has a bone and the bone is there all alolne and all abandoned. He does not want to eat his bone unless another dog wants the bone too. It is a very characterisits trait of narcissism.
My mother is so narcissistic, she is so transparant.
She thought that she was going to be left alone with me in the recorering room. Hell no. I got my sis in L and my friend W to stay with me and she had top go home. She said that it was very huimilliating. I am so sorry.
I do not want to be left alone with a mother who has told me that my death would end her pain. She is so stupid.
At least I do not bring the rope so she can hang me. Which I did all myh life.
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Ah... Lupita.
We all want love; it's a reflex, I think - like breathing. And of course, we want our parents love more than anyone else's.
Not all parents can live up to their basic obligation to some or all of their children.
It wasn't anything you did - or anything about you. You're just fine. It's just life.
Good on you for finding a way to protect yourself!
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Thank God you didn't let your mother stay with you in the recovery room, Lupita.
I hope you don't go back to her house.
Stay in the hotel, with AC is my suggestion.
Hugs to you and remember:
put on your helmet.
Don't let your FOO's hurtful words get in.
Mo2
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Thank you PR, GS, and Mof2, for your responses.
After 12 years of not seeing myu sister, I recieve only a cold hug, with arms totally not touching me, just the tips of her fingers in my back. That is not normal. I know that. After seven years of not seeing my brother, he has not have a single conversation with me. Even that I am staying up until tomorrow in his house, my sister in low's house. He only says hi or good bye, and if I call him, he ignores me. Cold shoulder.
I am so f+@%&ng tired of this irrational rejection!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Why do I need this? I do not need this!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The thing is that my sisIL is nice. That means my brother is not telling her to take sides. That is at least something good. My neisce is nice too. So, they are not being told to give me the cold shoulder.
So, my brother has mixed feelings about me.
My sister is totally empty, there is nothing inside her. Her daughter, is nice to me too. But is not allowed to talk to me in the abcense of my sister or my mother. She is adorable. I am so sorry that she will not get to have an ice cream with me, or me to be able to pamper her, to buy her a toy, to spoli her a little.
My step father is just like my friend W. He does whatever my mother says and he gets mad at whoever my mother is mad.
My mother is imitating my sisIL all the time. If she puts bells in her house she does too, if she puts plants in her house, she does too. It is crippy. My mother acts not as an overprotecting mopther but as a jealous lover. I am so sick of it.
My nephew is all the time talking to my mother. He is becoming like her. It is so sad.
I do not know what part of my evolution is this, but I am certain I am not going backwards. It is just that my steps are very short and slow.
I do not knoe if I need detachment, or indifference or both.
As much as I dislike my step father's p[ersonality, my friend W is just like him. Jujst thet he is nice to me. My step fatehr which is my age is not nice to me. My friend W is nice to me. My friend W is old 63 YO. So, My mother is with a younger man and I am with an older man.
I would like to buy a piece of property here and retire here in 15 years. I do not want to lose my connection with this land.
Why do I haVE to go NC? What can I do????????????????????/
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Oh ((Lupita))
The NM is SOOOOOOOOOOO bad. Ami
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Why do I haVE to go NC
?
So you can learn what happiness is, what peace is, Lup...
Or, you can spend the rest of your life feeling bruised.
I think you deserve to learn what happiness is.
But I don't think you can do it while you stay attached to your relatives.
love
Hops
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I am still very swollen. Some stitches have been removed. Today, I combed myu niesce's hair. I loved it. I put some pens that I brought from USA on her hair and she loved it. I tralked to my other niesce and we celebrated her 17th birthday. I visited myu sister in low and inflated baloons.
I see the cathedral of town from my windows. I am not ready to lose that.
My mother threw me an ugly look this morning. Usually that put mw in hours of tprture and fear, and axiety. This time I felt nothing.
I combed my niesces hair and put pens in her hair. She loved it.
I am not ready to lose that.
I cant go NC.
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Dear Lupita
I think facing reality about our NM's is really Hell. I am trying to do that ,too.
On another subject, my friend just got a Lifestyle lift face lift. Have you heard about this? She did not get general anathesia(sp?) just local and it took only two hours.
Ami
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Lifestyle is just half the problem. I got it all taken care.
No, I am not ready to disconnect from everything of my past. I think I will never be.
I am going to the beach today, to eat fried fish with my sis in L and of course my mom is all mad because I am going out with the enemy.
At least I am not sad today. Jus a little.
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I think that we are emotionally compromised b/c we will not face HOW ugly they were. Alice Miller says this,in so many words. We can't face the horror of how they feel about us and how they treat us. We would rather think we were bad than to face the motherlessness. I think this is true for me.
If I blame myself, then I have hope that she can change if only *I* were better.
I think that this is my problem.
Ami
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Lupita:
Your past is part of you; your relatives and your home town. No, you don't have to give that up... instead you can claim it as YOURS and still work on (little by little) NC with people who are toxic to you. Remember the "medium chill"? You can still protect yourself AND claim what's yours... maybe by limiting how often your actually see your NM... and when you're around her, by realizing she doesn't see the same cathedral... the same good people... the same you, that you see.
She can't see it. It's not your fault. There's nothing that needs to be done about it - it's who she is.
But you can still enjoy your nieces, your SIL, being "home"... you're allowed this.
Don't let her lack of ability to see and understand be a dark cloud on your happiness and joy...
maybe easier said than done (I should know!) but all things are possible.
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Lupita:
I loved reading about your visits with nieces and SIL......
about your comforting familiar view of a cathedral from your childhood.
::wishing you more joy and detachment::
Mo2
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I ate ten sweet mangos for breakfast. I was alivating all the way. MaNGOS are expansive in US plus not very often you find them. Here everybody has a tree in their houses. My friend W enjoyed the mangos too. My mother was talking during our breakfast but as usual she was detilling poison, but I failed today to tun her out and kind of ruined my magos. But I will practice for tomorrow. I go back to USA next Monday.
My brother is N. I am sure now. He is the golden child. He is so N and he is totally unconscious. But he is not malignant. He is just very slefidh and thinks that he is intitled and everybody owes him. But not a bad person. My mother is bad, she is evel. I am so sorro for her.
W went out on his own, despite the language barrier. Say a pray for him. I told him if by 4 pm is not here I will call the police.
We were at 110 degrees yesterday. No AC.
My brother is so ridiculous that he asked me to talk to him the other night and for the moments that I was in his office, he turned the AC off. He knows that I am dying for AC. He is so stupid.
He still wants to talk more wiht me. I will tell him he is an N and he is the golden child. He probably suspects.
Thank you PR ans Mof2.
I am working on detachment. Very difficult.
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Hopsy, I am not ready to go NC. I need to erase my mother from my mind with out losing my past. I need to visit my relatives, my cosins, my friends, see the cathedral from my window, the same church I saw everyday growing up from my window, I was sad every day growing up. I see it now with oput sadness, That is a major accomplishment.
I need to stop feeling a victim. I was a victim but I am not anymore.
Now, I have to work out a way so my mother does not come to USA to my house anymore. never again. I do not want her in my house. I am sorry for that but she is very damaging. She stills from me and I look for my thinks like crazy and later she tells me "do you rememeber those pictures or thoise books you gave me as gifts last year?"
But all year I was looking for those pictures or books or shirt, etc. She really makes my crazy.
She is targetting my nephew now. He is an N due to my borther and my mother's talks to him all the time.
The bible says until the fourth generation.
I think the N from my mother is so malignant that is going to en up forvever. I broke the cycle, but my sister and my brother did not. I am very sorry for them.
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Lupita
It is so ,so sad. Your M cannot appreciate a wonderful, caring D. She deserves a D just like she. It IS her loss. She is despicable. Ami
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this is what I see from my window.
So many afternoons looking out that window!!! The saddest is when the church is ringing its bells in the evening, It is so nostaLGIC AND SO LONELY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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AMI, I THINK MY MOTHERS BRAIN HAS DIFFERENT CABLES INSIDE.
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Yes, Lupita
The wiring is different. It was a horrible luck of the draw that we got them. It brought me to Jesus, as a Jewish person, and for that I am so ,so grateful. Ami
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Can somebody tell me if you can see the picture of my window? Thanks.
Today foir breakfast, Sge asked me if I wanted to eat breasts. I told her I like dark meat, and hse knows it. She said that she is going to cook the breasts and I have to relize that she does everything to please me.
LOL
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Lupe:
Your view out the window is small, but there.
That your M cooked you breast meat, while insisting she did it to please you.....
is absurd and kind of amusing from here.
But then, I have distance and she's not my mother.
What a silly thing for her to say.
You know good and well she didn't do it "to please you."
Makes no sense....
never will.
Mo2
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Thanks Mof2. I fell in the trap again today. I made a sceen after beeing under pressure for several days and my mother was very pleased. But now I am more indifferent to my mother than I used to, hopefully I am not going to allow her to visit me never agian. She is evil.
Everybody saw my sceen. I regret now bewcvasue that is what my mother was looking for and I pleased her. But she does not klnow that I am planning not to recieve her in my house never again.
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Lupita
You can't hold it together all the time with that type of evil. You are doing SO much better than I ever could. Ami
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((Lupita))
Forgive yourself for losing patience.
Mo2
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Mof2, that is the most difficult thing to do. Thinking of the terrible mistakes I did when I waited so lung to take my son away from his monstrous father.
Incredibly, I survived. I am in the shuttle to the airport. Four hours shuttle. So, I am going to use the time to write a little on my laptop, as long as the battery lasts.
I am still swollen but look fine. No infection, everything went perfect. I guess I have a lot to be grateful for.
Still, instead of being grateful, I feel a terrible pain in my heart. Not like a heart attack but like a pain that goes from my heart to my throat and gives me trouble breathing.
It is 7:00 AM and me are three hours and a half away from the airport. I had to be at the bus station and 6:00 AM. I had to get up at 5:30 AM. My mother and her husband took me to the bus station.
I was picking up all my things in the room, when my sister came and told me “I treated you very nicely and I have witness that I treated you very nicely, good bye”
My friend W told me that my mother must have given her a speech so she can come and tell me that.
That was my good bye from my sister after twelve years of not seeng her. I too her to the movies, I paid her ticket, and her daughter’s ticket, I bought several gifts for her daughter, I played with her daughter and I tried very hard to earned a little love from my niesce. I think that is going to be impossible since no matter what I do my mother is going to be talking about me in front of my little niesce.
I feel extremely lonely, alone, I feel that God has been a little too hard on me. But I accept it and God knows that there is nothing I can do. God can take my life away when ever he wants, or take my legs or make my life even worse.
Why did God give me the family he gave me, I will never know. My brother keeps thinking that he si a good son and that is why my mother loves him so much. My nephew is in a total darkness, physically disable and listening to my mother constantly, and she is making him think that she loves him more because he is special and now he constantly insults his mother, (my SIL).
The hole in my heart is to never be filled with anything. I am a very lonely human being.
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It is 11:30. I am at the airport. Sitting with my lap top. Trying the get over my upsetness. I need to feel good. My mother is unreasonable. I need to feel good. If I wait for her to give me approval to feel good, I am never going to feel good. Never.
The good bye was very cold. On my part too. I colaborated for a cold good bye because I was very resentful. I gace my step father a cold hug, a big and deep and strong hug to my niesce and a kiss to her, and a very very very cold hug to my mother. The tips of my fingers touched barely her back, and there was no contact of chests or faces.
I got my bags and got in the bus station.
I have been feeling very upset, and sad. My aunt wanted to visit me but she said that my mother put a face so bad to her the day before that she did not want to go because she was afraid. She did the same to my SIL. She does not want that anybody to visit me, she wants to isolate me. In fact, I am isolated. I am not part of the team.
My brother and sister live in a bubble, and have no idea of what my mother does. I have told my brother but he does not believe me at all. She is going to destroy my brother’s marriage but he si so stupid that he allows my mother to mistreat my SIL. My brother told me that my SIL only wants my company to get back at my mother. I cannot believe that my company is so poor or undesirable that she would only want to get back at my mother using me. I think she enjoys getting back at my mother but that is nopt the reason. She likes my company.
I need to get over this sadness. I want to come back, I want to see my old friends, I want to see my niesces and nephew, I want to visit the old places where I drank coffee when I was a medical student, I want to visit the tomb of my father and grand mother, and grand father, and my old cousins, dance salsa in special place here, go to the folk theater where only people from here understand the meaning of the jokes, I do not want to break with my past.
But my mother really hates me. And I need to deal with that so I can enjoy here and there and USA and my slef. Otheriwse I will never enjoy anything.
The hole is never going to be filled. Never.
I am resentful to god because he did ugly things to my son too. I did as much as I could to save my son, but he suffered too much before I could understand what was happening.
I have been a victim all my life. I am not a victim right now at this right moment, but I still feel a victim of life.
Need to move on, I am not a victim anymore. I am an adult and can protect my self. But feel so lonely!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I was so stupid that here in the airport after four hours of bus travel, I called my mother to let her know that I was fine here and waiting for my flight to USA and she started telling me how bad she was feeling because I only came here to take care of my self and di not care about her.
Why do I keep looking for a nice word from my diabolic mother? I was even sadder. I was wondering why did I call her. Why did I call her. I know that I am going to receive dirt from her. Why do I call her. I regretted I called her.
It is like I never learn. Now, at this moment I do not feel as bad as I was feeling in the bus. I am sitting at a Coffee shop, with internet, will have a cappuccino, I am going back “home” and I put quotations because I do not feel home anywhere. I feel sad no matter where I am.
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I am taking hip-hop classes, I do a fair job, tango classes, salsa classes, organizing walks on the beach, belong to a piano club, play in my church, have a decent job with a decent salary and a decent job. I feel so sad. My son is healthy and doing a PHD at the best university in our town. But still, the hole in my heart will never be filled. I feel so so so sad!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Something is missing! I am empty!
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She went to my last visit to my surgeon. He was taking the stitches off and she was telling him how much she remembered how much coffee he drank in my house when he went to my house to study for exams during our high school years. She never shut up. She ruined my last visit with my surgeon and best friend of medical school. She also asked him to operate on her. He said I like to be challenged. He took a picture of her. I said “she has done surgery or her booboos three times, her ears once, her face twice, can you imagine the conflict?” He was disappointed I said all those things. In a way she could ruin my friendship with him, but he is a big boy and he can handle her. And make a little money out of her too. But it is frightening to me her desire of interaction with my friend who did free surgery to me.
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Dear Lupita
I feel quite sure the empty part is your own connection to yourself. You probably are not connected to your feelings and thoughts. You reject yourself at a very deep level, as your NM did. NM's throw all the parts of themselves that they hate on us and THEN decimate us for having them with ALL the cruelty and ferocity of a lion with prey.
Our self image is mirrored to us from their skewed view of themselves. We see ourselves the way they did down in our deepest selves.
I think I am changing from a relationship which is mirroring me in a different way.
As always,reject what doesn't fit. Ami
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My brother wrote me a letter accusing me of being paranoid. I cannot belive it. The pain is unbareable.
I had hopes in my brother. He is in total darkness. I am so sorry for my self and for him!
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The pain IS unbearable ,Lupita. I understand. Ami
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Dear Lupita,
Congratulations on the surgery. I bet you look beautiful. It is a blessing that the surgery was safe, successful & free and now you are home: These are blessings!! Try to be grateful. Wow, you are blessed, but you don’t seem to take joy in these blessings. As you said, you have a good job & your son is doing well & now you look so beautiful: your glass is half full, not half empty. I am sorry to be hard on you, but, try to see that your attitude is negative.
I know it stinks to have an N FOO & an NM, but that is our reality. Yes, you can work on the legacy, the aftermath of how the N FOO & an NM have effected you, but, please get some perspective.
About 2 years ago, I realized I was a drama queen: I catastrophized things by saying to myself “this is terrible, I will never have this or that, I will never be this or that”. When I became conscious of my negativity (& that I got my negativity from my N FOO & my NM), I became aware & now, I try to stop it. Instead of focusing on the bad, I focus on the good. When I realize I'm being a drama queen, I stop doing it & get some perspective.
These statements reflect your attitude:
“The hole in my heart is to never be filled with anything.”
“The hole is never going to be filled. Never.”
“But still, the hole in my heart will never be filled. “
If you believe that your heart will never be filled, then that will be true. Your feelings of emptiness are real, but it is your choice as to what you want to do to change that.
When you have a negative attitude like this, you send a message to your subconscious that you will never feel happy. Why not try to send a positive message to your subconscious that you can be happy & change your negative self-talk to positive self-talk? Do you see that your negative self-talk cheats & defeats you?
How about telling yourself that your heart feels empty now, but, by changing your attitude (& maybe working on these issues in therapy), one day, you will feel better & maybe feel that your heart is filled?
I’m sorry to be harsh, but, please realize that your attitude (whether negative or positive) is within your power, choice & control.
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I am sorry that despite that I appreciate your comment and that you took the time to respond, your comments do not make me feel anybetter. It seems like it is raining and somebody who has an umbrella tells the person who is getting wet to be positive.
I even feel lonelier. Like, nobody unerstand what I am suffering.
It feels very sad and lonely!!!!!!!! :cry: :cry: :cry: :cry:
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Lupita,
I am sorry if my comments make you feel worse, that is not my intention. But, look at the world today: many people are unemployed, facing bankruptcy, foreclosure, don't have money for food or rent. You, thank goodness, do not have any of those problems. Things are OK for you. Can you feel happy about that? Can you look at all the good things in your life and feel happy and grateful about them?
I do understand about having an NM, I had one. But what can you do about your NM? You know that you can't change your NM, she's an N. The only person you can change is you. Let's assume your NM will never change, she will always be an N forever & ever. Are you going to allow the fact that your mother will probably always be an N destroy your ability to feel happy? Don't you see that this is your choice? Maybe you can work on this with a therapist.
I wish you the best.
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It is all about giving up the hope. All about that supid hope that you are going to get some love from a woman who is uncapable to give it.
And knowing what youa re going to get, you still go and get it and still get disappointed because you got what you goy when you already knew you were going to get it.
Give up the hope!!!!!!!!!!! That is the secret.
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I got a new therapist. She is going to give me seven sessions for free.
I told her that my mother overpowers me.
Shes said:
"You allow your mother to overpower you"
I descovered that I become a kid, unprotected kid, when I am with my mother.
That is what I have to work on.
As soon as she said that and I internalized it, I started feeling better immediately. It is like I am not totally powerless. Just do not know how to empower my self to not get affected. She said it is very difficult not to get affected by a parent actions. But it is possible to overcome the upsetness and have a better life.
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But it has nothing to do with the good things you have. Looking at disable poeple does no make you feel better. It is like one person is missing a leg and be happy because another person is missing two legs and one arm. No. The secret is to overcome your own problem.
That is what the therapist said. I agree with her.
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I agree, Lupita.
Your therapist sounds good.Your heart feels understood. That is the key. Trust your heart and follow it with the therapist and life. That is what I am trying to do-- follow my heart. Ami
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"It is all about giving up the hope. All about that supid hope that you are going to get some love from a woman who is uncapable to give it."
Yes, Lupita & telling yourself that you are OK without your mother's validation.
"And knowing what youa re going to get, you still go and get it and still get disappointed because you got what you goy when you already knew you were going to get it."
Yes, exactly.
"Give up the hope!!!!!!!!!!! That is the secret."
Yes, give up the hope that your mother will validate you or that your mother will change.
"But it has nothing to do with the good things you have. Looking at disable poeple does no make you feel better. It is like one person is missing a leg and be happy because another person is missing two legs and one arm. No."
I don't completely agree with you here. I'm not saying we should be cheerful, happy idiots: "I live in a nice house & have a good job and THEREFORE, I should be happy". No, I'm not saying that.
What I am saying is that when I feel down & depressed, I look at all the good things in my life, I do an inventory: what is not working for me, what is working for me. When I realize that I am doing somethings right & that somethings are working for me, I feel better because I have perspective: There are some things in my life that are good and there are some things that are not good, so how can I improve the not so good things?
"The secret is to overcome your own problem."
That is right. And, sometimes, it's difficult to figure out which are my problems that ONLY I can fix and which are SOMEONE ELSES'S problems that ONLY THEY can fix. For example: that your mother treats you badly, that is HER problem. That you're mother upsets you, that is a problem which only you can resolve.
For me, it makes me feel better when I remind myself that I have a job, I'm not in bankruptcy or foreclosure & I have all my limbs. I Thank Gd for these blessings & I am grateful for all the good things in my life.
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I wonder if there's some little popping sound when one gives up hope.
Something tells me it's a fluid sea change that comes and goes....
morphs in and out of understanding, eventually lingering without extended periods of absense.
Round and round until one's bored with thinking about it and no mystery remains.
Then, all the sudden, one day you aren't traumatized any more.
And you're shocked by that.
All the pain and suffering is overtaken, however slowly, by acceptance and relief (you might have seen coming if it didn't hurt so darned much.)
But it does and that's human.
There is no earthly reason, that makes any sense, for a mother not to love her deserving child.
I take that back, the only reason that makes sense is bc she absolutely couldn't help herself.
She couldn't do any better, or she would have.
Just keep working on giving up hope, Lupe.
One day, we'll have a bonfire and the Amazons will gather in honor of your freedom from the past.
I promise (((Lupita)))
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For the first time I am greiving my loss. I just did not know why I was so sad. Now I know. I am sad because it is like somebody died. I do not have a mother and I never will. That is acceptance of something I do not have and never had. That is a loss. I am mourning the loss.
That is why I am so sad, I just did not know.
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My mother sent me an e mail telling me how bad she felt because I only go to our country to take care of me. I felt bad only for a few minutes. I wrote her back that it has been raining here and the weather was not helping. That was it. I did not eat the bait of the provocation to tell her that ot was her the one that was making me feel bad. I guess that is what she wanted so we can engage in a battle and say that I am bad.
Bud I did not. I still feel a little bad but I think I am learning. Just very slowly.
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I think that the thing about the NM is that she is against nature. That is why it is so hard to really believe and let go. In nature, the mother takes care of the baby with her life ,if need be. The NM tries to steal the very soul from the child.
I really don't believe it either, in my deepest heart. Ami
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About guilt trips...for Lupita:
http://www.isnare.com/?aid=100465&ca=Womens+Interest (http://www.isnare.com/?aid=100465&ca=Womens+Interest)
Grieving makes sense, Lup...I am glad you are letting it express itself.
When it passes (a few more waves, then at some point, it really will be done), then you will be released and free to find happiness that is only happiness, not happiness as defiance.
hugs,
Hops
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CB, dear CB,dear CB, it is so encourageing to hear you. I wish you were here to tell me positive things. I might end up believeing you!
Lupita!
Are you home now???? Are you SOOO beautiful???
Yes, I am "Home" but it is my address, but my home? I do not feel home anywhere.
I almost had surgery several years ago to repair my tummy after several babies....but the divorce intervened and now it seems way too out of reach financially. I am so happy for you and I know you look wonderful.
I am sorry you did not comply with that. It is good. Good for your mentasl health and for your physical health too. It is never too late. Maybe you cand o it with my doctor for half the prcie of what it costs in the US.
I understand how hard it is for you to go NC, Lupe. Your whole culture is completely the opposite of that....there are other options for you--painful ones, not-easy ones, but you can do it. You are stronger than you know.
Gosh, you know what I am talking about. I am looking for aproval from a woman who is not able top give aproval. It is absurd.
I wish I was there to say different things to you than what you are saying to yourself: you are NOT always in the same place. You are NOT always being treated the same way. And you are NOT the same person you were when you came on the board.
Do you love your house by the ocean, still? Will you be there again this year? I have found a new apartment that makes me feel so good when I come home... I think of you in your dream house and I expect it is a huge boost to your mood when you know you are coming home. I hope you are there now...being away from the old home and the old STUFF is going to help so much.
I ended up disliking my place. Reason, winter is too long. Ocean is cold. In my town where I come from, ocean is hot all year long. Here where I live, ocena is cold almost all year long. Just the scean is not enopugh for me. I have to be able to enjoy the water. So, the winter here is horrible, it becomes a ghpost town, nobody around, lonely, empty, and summer it is a pandemonium, so many people, the traffic is horrible, and the ocean is wonderful but half of the summer is raining. So, at the end, I am eating macarrony and chees to be able to pay for this luxory apartment for just a few days of usable beach.
I decided to move close to my work, I will save 300 dollars a month in gasolin and rent.
I am recovering little by little from my trip. It really put me down that my sister and my brother are completely blind, in darkness and zombies and the most I tell them about the truth the most they think I am paranoid. That really made me very depress.
So, I am in the process of greiving that I do not have a family, that I do not count on them for moral support, or for normal love. I have to accept that. They treat me as if I was inferior, they talk to me as if I was inferior, they consider me inferior. They consider them selves as special.
So, I am there. I tried meditaion today for the ifrst time in a year, I am listening to Wayn Dyer one hour a day and enjoying my greiving and my sadness, You have to go through that to be able to heal. Or so I think.
Thank you for your response CB123. Miss you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Great article on guilt trips. Yes, the key is letting go of our need to be validated by another person and that's hard to do since we've been groomed to need other's validation.
Lupita, I think grieving our losses is very helpful. It's hard to realize what we've never had from the start (like a loving family). Perhaps the losses we grieve include both the realization that we never had a loving mother, we thought we did, but now we see we don't & never did: it's all been an illusion or delusion. And, it feels strange to greive when no one has died.
As we move thru our grief, what we have left is us, ourseleves and we stand on our own, a little taller & stronger, realizing we do not need to be validated by our mothers or anyone else. We only need to be validated by ourselves.
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ah... ((((((((((Lupita)))))))))))).
I know what this realization feels like. But, you're not alone. A lot of us have felt this and still do, sometimes.
It will all be OK and the real HOPE exists on the other side of giving up the hope that just can't be.
Be extra specially kind to yourself now... it's what you NEED.
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Just wanted to aknowledge your responses and to tank you for your imputs.
Love,
Lupita