Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival => Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board => Topic started by: Overcomer on July 06, 2009, 09:08:41 PM
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Hello all my friends.
So for the past three years I have had a bad back. I have gone to the chiro and the DO. I had an Xray and an MRI. I finally decided I needed to have a hysterectomy. I did google search after google search trying to find a reason for my back pain. I had very heavy periods was anemic and had some fibroids so I finally decided that the back pain must have had something to do with the back pain.
So (on the day Michael and Farrah died) June 25 I went in for a total hysterectomy. I came out of anesthesia and was told the surgery was hard and when they lifted up my intestines they found a mass wrapped around my ureter (the tube that connects one of the kidneys to the bladder...) The gyno called in a different surgeon to take care of that tumor....they told me it looked benign but they would send it to the path lab as usual to make it was nothing.
So my h and I went in to have my staples taken out and the doc told me the mass was malignant. So I have cancer? Yes. So he told me the type...leiomyosarcoma....very rare. I went home and googled it and became VERY scared. It doesn't look good. So tomorrow I go in for my first oncology appointmnet. My sis in law is an oncology nurse and she is going with me. I will fight this with everything I have. I guess it was good I decided to have this elective surgery because they stumbled upon the tumor. Funny....the tumor is right where all the back pain was......they didn't see it on the MRI.....
Oh well, I could use some prayers. If it's not one thing it is another!!
Love, Kelly
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Hi Kelly,
You are in my thoughts. I'm sure you'll find a lot of support here.
Best wishes,
Richard
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Hi Kelly,
You have my prayers.
So sorry you're having to bear up under such disturbing news.
Love,
tt
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Kelly, you bet, I will keep you in my thoughts. You're very fortunate to have your SIL to be there for you, not just to provide support, but to be a second set of ears at the oncologist's office. That's so very important, as in our own fear, we often don't hear things correctly.
I know there really isn't anything I can say to put your mind at ease, but do know that people are thinking of you. Love, and friendship, and faith can be very healing things.
Wishing you all the best,
Kathy
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Oh Kelly
I have you immediately in my prayers and will STAY that way. I have a good feeling that it will work out and you will thrive and be well, (((Kelly)))). Love Ami
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Hello Kelly,
I'm so sorry to hear of yet another battle for you to fight. I will be thinking of you and wondering , now that you know, if mind over matter will make it disappear!!
Love
Izzy
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I looked it up and hopefully the surgery got it all and you will be fine. I think that will be the case. I have very strong intuitive feelings about things and a VERY strong one that you will be OK. Love Ami
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Oh, Kell. I am so very sorry.
Please read this web site, which says that the type of oncologist you see is crucial, and you need to
request a referral to a sarcoma oncologist or sarcoma treatment center for overseeing your treatment, or for a second opinion. We define a sarcoma oncologist as an oncologist who sees at least 100 sarcoma patients a year, and who often works in or near a sarcoma treatment center.*
http://www.leiomyosarcoma.info/ (http://www.leiomyosarcoma.info/)
love,
Hops
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Dear Kelly:
I'm certainly keeping you in my prayers and thoughts as well. Do not despair as much good work and advances are being done in the field. The fact that you happened upon the discovery of the tumor the way you did was a good sign. Lean on the support you have around you and stay positive as you face this latest battle.
Thinking only good thoughts for you.
SunBlue
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Hi Kell,
I am sorry to hear this. You are in my thoughts and prayers.
Sending good Vibes and Wishes,
Love
Deb
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Kelly,
it IS possible to have cancer and for surgery to remove it all. It happened to my MIL, with lung cancer. After 2 years of return/checkup appts,. she was told not to bother making another appt.
Keep thinking about that, OK? Meanwhile, I'll be here waiting to hear very good news from you.
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Dear Kelly,
Prayers and thoughts being said for ((you)).
With continued support (((strength and healing))) Love, seasons
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Kelly,
So sorry to hear. I pray that you be restored to full health.
xoxo,
ann
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((((Kelly))))
::sending healing light and prayers your way::
I'm glad the cause of your pain is now known.... even though it's scary.
You can deal with it, instead of suffering without understanding.
Your SIL will be such a comfort..... someone to walk you through and help figure it out.
Stay positive.
Mo2
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Kelly....
Come vent?
Don't be alone with the fear.
You can let it out here.
SCARY AS HELL.
(But that doesn't mean it's not going to turn out okay.)
love,
Hops
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I agree with Hops. Come tell your thoughts and feelings. We are here. We care! (((((Kelly))))))))
When Scott died, I came to the Board. People may think that was stupid but that was what I did. I came to my friends. I still feel that way. Ami
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Your love and support are awesome!! Thank you all. I went to the oncologist yesterday and we are going to do chemo to try to attack the cancer before it attacks me. So that is good.
Vent? I read a book about Toxic Emotions. I knew I would someday get cancer. My family has it all over the place. My dad's mom and four of five sisters died of it. My mom had it and so did her sis.
I don't want to blame my mom and my h but so much stress. SO much stress.....I wish I wouldn't have had to deal with all her stuff for so long..........our relationship is the best it has ever been......and now I am sick.
But I am a fighter!! Scrappy!! I will fight this!!
Thanks for listening!
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I love you, Kelly. Ami
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Dear Kelly, I am so sorry, so sorry you have to go through all this. But, hopefully, with all the modern medicine, you will find something that will help you heal all your wounds. I will kep you in my poaryers every day.
God bless you!
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I'm praying for you, too, Kelly.
Hold on tightly to Jesus' hand!
Love,
Carolyn
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I am praying every day and will check in every day. Love you, Kelly. Ami
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Kelly,
Sorry to hear the news.
If it helps any, remember my wife was near death, as I shared here just about exactly three years ago. The cancer was throughout her skeleton and lymph nodes. She's happy and healthy now, so there is plenty of hope for you.
Prayers for you.
mud
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I remember when Mud's wife went through all this.
I am really not bitter. My mom and I have a rather good relationship now. Boy, it took years and lots of tears and fighting and reading books, etc. to get here.
I am not really afraid. The initial diagnosis and then all the stuff I read on the internet scared me but the oncologist was wonderful and I will fight this.
I get angry at people who do not go to the doc. I have known my h almost 8 years and he has never gone to the doc or dentist. I am very faithful with pap and mammos and I have been hounding the docs about this back ache...which turned out to be cancer...
Love Kell
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Dear Kelly
I admire you so very much! Love Ami
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Okay - I completely missed this whole thread. But I want to let you know this - look at your first post - your being knew to get that hysterectomy and you found that cancer. That is a wonderful miracle - the first of many in this healing process that you are on.
Love to you and daily prayers.
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Dear Kelly
Whenever I sit on my porch and look at the water, I pray for you. I know you will be OK. It is a knowing. Love you, Ami
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I have to look at the bright side..................this hysterectomy was my call. I am glad I did it because they found an endometrial mass in the uterus and masses on the ovaries, etc. I knew I was in bad shape. One thing my mom would always do was question me and why I was always complaining about my periods and pain. Well after they got my uterus and all that stuff out of me and then they happened upon the mass...............see, mom, I did have a reason for all the complaining of pain!!
But if I had decided to tough it out they would have never found the mass and my back pain would still be there!! So from that point, GS it was a miracle!!!
I go to Mayo on the 22nd for tests and see the doc on the 23rd.....
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You have an outstanding attitude, Kelly...
(and good intuition, too)
bravos bravos!
love,
Hops
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I am up late. Ran out of pain pills so I don't just conk out anymore. The pain from the hysterectomy is getting better.
I go to Mayo on the 22 and 23....tests and then a visit from the doc. My mind is a wandering as I have been up all night. Scared to lose this battle because I have too much living to do. Have been reading this book Cured of Cancer and reciting the bible verses within. I am up for the fight.
I am still dealing with h who does not handle stress well. He either rants and raves or drinks and gets all clingy and stupid. If I didn't think the stress of a divorce would be too much now, I would ask him to leave. Then I think of all the stuff he does do like mow. But he should be trying to be strong so he can support me during this difficult time.....but the day I got home from the hospital he cooked and then yelled to me, "it's ready." I had to slowly get out of bed and make my way to the kitchen to make myself a plate. Anyone else would have made me a plate and brought it up.
Prayers y'all......for peace.
My mom went to convention for our industry. She loves it so. I am going to ask her if she wants to come back to work and let me be retired.
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Dear(( Kelly))
Your H sounds very numb. I cringed when he told you to come and get the plate. It brought back memories of my C section when my H told me to get off the couch and go for a jog.
Love Ami
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Thinking of you, Kelly. I send prayers all day long. Love Ami
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I finally cried. Last night. Every single story I read the person died. No victory stories. However, there are so few of us that I figure the people who beat it didn't have to blog.......they were free. I thought about started a blog but boy, if I depressed the next person who was diagnosed like they depressed me....................well, I wouldn't like that. But if I do super well, I would like to be an inspiration. I could see myself beating this thing and writing a book about my battle with cancer and how the Lord cured me of it!! I literally have hundreds of people praying.....I feel lifted up somehow...
Looking forward to the visit to Mayo so I can get the scans and start the chemo......take that cancer!
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Hi Kelly,
Thinking of you and remembering you in prayer.
Hugs,
tt
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Great attitude, Kelly
One step at a time and make the most of each.
Those whose writings were depressing for you might just suggest that the writers were being negative. Think positive and uplifting thoughts.
My broken leg is tame beside what you face, but with that initial pain lasting for about 6 weeks, I thought, "Well I guess now it's a nursing home, pain, elder abuse and no computer. WELL I stopped that thought pretty fast and am coming along now and I even know I'll drive again, when 2 therapists said I wouldn't. Seems every time I curl up on my right side, a weird pain strikes and gets me up out of bed, so here I am, and I am saying--"Izzy, just stop curling up on your right side and go back to bed. Think Woman! Think!".
I read on femur forums and no one is talking about the amount of groin pain and quad pain and hamstring pain--so I'll just see mine through and post that for someone else to read.
You've been in my thoughts, and your Mayo trip. God be with you.
Love
Iz
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Every single story I read the person died. No victory stories. However, there are so few of us that I figure the people who beat it didn't have to blog.......they were free.
Kelly, you are probably right. Just because you didn't find any success stories doesn't mean that there aren't any.
Just an observation I've made, especially with the Internet. When you go to sites like Bizrate and other places that are set up for consumers to rate retailers, you almost always see negative comments. I think it's human nature for someone to want to vent when they're unhappy about a purchase, but if they're happy, then they're happy and why bother? The same seems true with sites that rate doctors, restaurants, etc. Just speaking for myself, if I went to a restaurant and had a really bad experience, I might take the time to log onto the Internet and warn others, but if my meal was perfect, then I'd come home happy and that would be that.
So like you said, the people who beat it may be out happily enjoying life rather than blogging about something in their past.
Last year my husband was diagnosed with prostate cancer at 50. They decided to remove the prostate rather than try radiation therapy, based on his relatively young age (prostate cancer is slow growing, so a 70-year-old will more likely die of old age than the cancer). The surgery was not without risks. He could have been left incontinent, among other things. But all went well and he made a full recovery. If things had gone differently, I might have blogged about it as a way of informing others, but it had a happy ending, so we celebrated, and moved on.
What I'm saying, in a really long-winded way, is that it might actually be a good sign that you aren't finding stories from survivors. As you said, "they're free." Hey, if I were free of my N mother's torment , would I be here? Probably not. I'd be free and no longer in need of help.
So hang in there, and stay positive. There ARE happy endings out there.
Kathy
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Dear((( Kelly)))
Joel Osteens M was cured of an incurable cancer. Her name is Dodie Osteen. My Bible teacher--Andrew Wommack has so many stories of complete healings on his website.
I feel you will be fine. I really do. Love Ami
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Hey Kell,
My M had cancer about the age of 60. She died at the age of 78 from a stroke. My MIL had breast Cancer and was cured. She died at the age of 80 and due to her heart.....
Chin up Kell...we are amazons...don't you forget you are one to. Battle on...war won...Kelly wins.
Love
Deb
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I'm thinking of you. I am still struggling to take in your news fully. I am pretending it isn't true. That is not very helpful. I don't want it to be true. You have made such remarkable progress and deserved a big break but that's not what you got and it makes me mad and disappoints me with life.
You got over your mother and that was no small accomplishment. I am still in amazement over that. It was so sudden too. Well that is what is going to happen with this cancer. You will struggle and the POOF you will be over it. With great joy and celebration. Love and hope and joy to you - Survivor - Don't forget your self given moniker - OVERCOMER!!!!!
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Dear Kelly,
Thoughts of you, please know that you are in my prayers.
Love,
Leah
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Courage
chin up
calm
and
soak up love
(((((Kell))))
Hops
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How are you doing today (((((Kelly))))) ? Love Ami
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Oh thank you everyone... It is true, if we weren't dealing with Ns we wouldn't be here. Those people who are no longer dealing with their cancer don't blog.
GS....it doesn't seem fair does it. You go through life and just as you are like a Phoenix rising up through the ashes, POW you get hit with another thing...
Oh well. I am reading books and trying not to google so much. A friend of mine who had breast cancer is throwing a hat and scarf party for me. Everyone comes with either a hat or scarf.....then when I lose my hair I will have all these cute little head pieces to wear......isn't that a great idea?????
Ami...I hope you have to gift of discernment and that God is telling you that I will be A-ok.....
Leah, is that you??
Iz....thanks for telling me about your situation.....attitude is everything..
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Dear Kelly
With you, I had a "knowing" that you will be OK. I got it right when you posted on the board about your cancer. When I get that type of a "knowing, I am never wrong.It is not bragging. It is just how it is ! Love Ami
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Oh thank you everyone... It is true, if we weren't dealing with Ns we wouldn't be here. Those people who are no longer dealing with their cancer don't blog.
Leah, is that you??
Hi Kelly,
Yes, it's me!
Some months ago, happened to drop by and with a heart of joyful celebration I changed my boardname to "JoyousDiscerner"
Those people who are no longer dealing with their cancer don't blog
Spot on! They don't blog - because they are happily out there enjoying their new life!
Which is my heart prayer for you ((( Kelly ))) - full recovery and enjoying your new life!
Oh well. I am reading books and trying not to google so much. A friend of mine who had breast cancer is throwing a hat and scarf party for me. Everyone comes with either a hat or scarf.....then when I lose my hair I will have all these cute little head pieces to wear......isn't that a great idea?????
Yes, that really is a great idea.
Just what you need right now, encouragement and support.
Love, Leah
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Hiya Kelly,
I'm late getting here and was drawn to your thread. You will get through this because of your enduring spirit and determination! Yes! Love the idea of the hat and scarf party! That is wonderful!
In my life I often laugh (and remark I had the choice.....I could laugh or cry). Sometimes I cry but laughing just feels better so I guess that's why I choose it. I wish you many days where you choose to smile and laugh and feel better because of it (and as little crying as necessary). Writing that sounds corny, in a way. Still, I hope it helps.
And ofcourse, you will be in my thoughts and prayers.
((((((Kelly)))))
Sela
PS: On edit:
You are now my newest heroine!! I'm cheering for you all the way, Kelly! I admire your attitude via the title of this thread: "Life takes a turn". Not: "Life sucks" or "Life deals me more bad crap" or "Life just never quits getting harder" but "Life takes a turn" and Kelly......you will turn with it and go along until you get back in the lead!! I just know it!
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Prayers for you Kelly! We seem to be making lots of cancer advances and I pray that they have taken out all of your mass.
Love, Beth
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Ok, I am claiming it, Ami!! I am scared but then I keep turning it around and claiming the victory. Claiming that when they stumbled across it, that was God's way of getting it before it got too bad.
Last night my daughter with autism called me and cried. Mom I don't want you to leave me long with grammy. I thought if I die I will leave her long and that would be unbearable to her.......so I cannot destroy her life. I will live!!!!
Good to hear from all of you.....I love you all and thanks so much for being here for me....
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Kelly, I watched a network show lastnight about people who shouldn't be alive. One story was about a woman who so reminded me of you. She was walking into a friends house to knit. She tripped and fell - knitting needle piercing her heart. When she got to the hospital and the surgery was done they discovered cancer - in its eariliest stages. She survived and she said that she knew she would because she had survived the insane accident of having her heart pierced by that needle. She also knew that she needed to survive for her 16 year old daughter whom she had waited late in life to have and whom she loved deeply.
Your cancer was found by accident and it was found early and you have a powerful will and determination and a daughter who needs you. I saw you in her story and felt certain that your outcome would be the same as hers.
I believe for you. In the moments doubt creep in - I believe for you. On the days when you are tired and down and not able to rally - I believe for you. In those nights when you wake up because fear has pierced your being - I believe for you. And during those days when your determination triumphs - I still believe for you.
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Thanks Gs.....it is wonderful to hear that.............I believe in you, too. I believe that you can step up and out from under the curse of living with N parents. You can do it!!
And I believe that if only 50% make it, I will be part of the 50% who live............not the 50 % who don't!
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strength and calm to you Kelly...
I am pulling for you
(and I too was very moved by GS' comment...)
strength and calm
you are a strong human being
love
Hops
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Dear Kelly
I do have the gift of discernment. It is something that is called "psychic" in the world but discernemnt as a spiritual gift. I love when you check in ! Ami
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Thinking of you in prayer. Smiling for you as you heal. I believe.
Love, seasons
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Dear Kelly
Wanted you to know you are in my thoughts . XXXOOO Ami
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Hey, I am at Mayo!! What a gorgeous facility and run really well. I had a blood test this morning and am waiting to go have a CT scan. I will meet with the oncologist tomorrow. They have scheduled a consult Friday morning with a surgeon in case they find anything that needs to be removed (this would be metastes....) We do NOT want any of that because if it has spread I will be a Stage IV cancer patient!! I do not want this!!!!
I will know tomorrow I think when they will start chemo.
\
Geez....I think I look like the most healthy person here!! There are lots of wheelchairs and lots of sickly looking people..... :(
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Kelly,
Praying your test come out well and your cancer has not metastasized.
Also happy to hear you are in good hands at the Mayo Clinic. ((hugs))
Much love to you. seasons
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I am awaiting the great news of no meastasis tomorrow. I have you on my mind all through the day, Kelly. Love Ami
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((Kelly)),
Whatever happens...
don't eat the Mayo!
love,
Hops
(a little :lol:??)
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Funny. While I was having the contrast CT scan I was praying out loud. The nurse came up to me and asked me if I was alright. I think she thought I was talking to myself, in fact, I was praying to God to cure me of my cancer!!!
I burnt my right arm when I was 25 and have a skin graft over the vein so they took blood AND did the IV on my left arm.....it is sore!!!
I just pray for good news..
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Hi OC,
Strong caring hugs to you and prayers too.
tt
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Hi ((( Kelly )))
Praying for you.
God bless you.
Love, Leah
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Dear Kelly
Your praying during the CT scan reminds me of what I did after the police told me Scott died.I raised my hands and prayed.I was so happy to know God. Love Ami
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I posted results on Ami's thread about me.....oh thanks everyone!! I am sorry I am not helping with other people's struggles right now.....I guess I have enough of my own. My mom and I held hands while waiting for the results!! Our relationship has changed a lot..
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oh wow ....NMom
How does that make you feel?
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I posted results on Ami's thread about me.....oh thanks everyone!! I am sorry I am not helping with other people's struggles right now.....I guess I have enough of my own. My mom and I held hands while waiting for the results!! Our relationship has changed a lot..
Giving thanks, ........... so truly glad for you ((((( Kelly )))))
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Hi I hope you find this useful. I believe it works.
I like the quote 'incurable! = curable from within'
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_b1GKGWJbE8&NR=1
YOU CAN DO ANYTHING..BELIEVE :)
love and healing is coming your way.
HUGS
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I thought I would give an update on this thread.
Yesterday was my first chemo treatment. The blood draw and the IV are the worst for me. In 1985 (when I was 25.....half a lifetime ago) I burnt my right arm and have skin grafts over the veins. They cannot take blood out of the right arm. So everytime I go in it is the left arm. Apparently my vein is like a drug user.....scar tissue. Some phlebotimists are good. Some bruise me. I forgot to take my high blood pressure yesterday so I got a little worked up.......dumb me....
So I guess this treatment is bad, but next week they combine this drug with another one. That scares me a little. Also I know that with each round my symptoms will get worse and worse. Yesterday my only symptom was a bad headache. Felt like a hangover kinda.....
I have gained 15 pounds since May.....It is bad. I have been doing a lot of laying around. I was thinking about doing some menu planning so I don't just lay around and get fatter. Now that I can swim I should probably paddle around for about an hour a day.....
I got some cancer insurance (smart me for taking it out) and was able to wipe out all our debt. Now I just have a couple medical bills which another cancer insurance will pay. ( I was smart to take these insurances out.....I knew my family had a history of cancer!!! So many of my family (women) got it in their 40s and since I am 49 I guess I qualify!!)
I have had so much love and support. I am on facebook and I have had so many friends but new and old add me to their church's prayer list and if they didn't have a church they sent love and support and positive vibes. I know that the prayers really helped!!
Someone asked me why I am having chemo when they removed the cancer and when I had my CT scan, it came back clean? This is cancer insurance.......since the cancer is aggressive they need to try to kill ANY and all microscopic cells. The doc says when they show up on the CT scan there are already thousands and millions of cells. They want to kill them off when there are only one or two microscopic cells. I am all for that...
So without chemo this cancer has a 30 to 50% recurrence rate. With the chemo that knocks it down to a third. So 10% to 16% chance it will recur. I am praying that I can wear with confidence a "LEIOMYOSARCOME SURVIVOR" tshirt....
Love to all, Kelly
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And you'll look good in that shirt, too, Kell.
Stay in the moment and try not to fear...don't think about the chemo as anything but your champion, your ally, your fellow fighter. Like--you're on a battlefield and somebody really homely and annoying who farts a lot and whom you never thought you'd want anything to do with otherwise appears, by your side, and slays everyone who wanted to harm you.
You've weathered worse in your life ... you're doing GREAT.
Admiringly,
Hops
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Good Morning OC,
What wonderful news! What a success/survival story!
I was thinking you had already had a couple of chemo treatments and the next was your last. Yes, and we hear it said that the treatment can make one feel quite terrible---all worth it in the long run!
Will you put a definition of LEIOMYOSARCOME on your T? or a [lee-i-o-myo-sar-ko-me] for someone like I am with these medical terms? Even phonetically I have my doubts!
Great on the Insurance!
Keep up the positive attitude!
Love
Izzy
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I was right again on my feeling(((( Kelly)))). I have never been wrong . Love Ami
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Kelly,
Have they talked to you about a subcutaneous port to deliver the chemo?
My wife has the wimpiest veins and it is very hard to get an IV started in her, so they put in a port below her collar bone.
Made things much, much easier.
If you're only having a few rounds of chemo might not be worth it though.
mud
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Apparently I have good veins......they talked of a port......I have on for my lapband........(that didn't work, by the way......) Maybe after the chemo I will tighten it up and give it another go!!
Anyway, Izzy it is weird to have my mom less worried about my performance and more worried about my health. She still went to a convention a couple weeks after my hysterectomy.....I would never leave my children like that but that is just mom......
Also, I did a typo......it is leiomyosarcoma.......A on the end.......
I don't like having to have chemo but I don't like the thought of dying more.......so here I go!!
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......they talked of a port......I have on for my lapband
you know, when reading, our eyes take in more than we know and I saw
"......they talked of a port......I have on(e) for my laptop"
You are too young to die, OC. Now take me, I'm not. I expect the next hit to come in the next 40 years in the form of a Mack Truck! That ought to do me in! I'll be 110. Wow!
I was out today and crossed, safely, as a car was just slowly tightening up his parking, but I sure jumped at his next forward attempt (toward me) at being right with the meter.
My mom , 40 years ago, waited 2 weeks to accompany my Dad to the hospital. After 13 years in the w'chair herself, I can understand, but I was on death's door for 6 days. I think it's the latter that got to me.
I just had one incident with my D. She caught her toe when she was 6-7 in the chain of my exercise bike. I was gouged and bled but I got her out of it, and there was no bother until she began wearing higher heeled shoes. She went to have her toe fixed and I went in the next day to see her. Healthy as a horse--no wiping her fevered brow!
FOOs are crazy, I swear it!
xx
Iz
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So happy things are going well for you, Kelly. Sending optimistic thoughts and wishes your way . . .
Kathy
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Thank you so much Kathy!!!
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You have been such an inspiration, Kelly. You have so much inner strength, maybe you were not even aware of. XXOO Ami
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Well, I have gotten far. I remember Lupita telling me I was a whiner......I guess I whined a lot and for a long time. Now I am past all the whining and on to the living!
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Well, I think there is a time and place for everything, Kelly. We had a LOT to whine about . We were trying to heal, not be obnoxious. You have so much to share as you go through this. I would like to hear.
It inspires me. XXOOO Ami
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I am realizing that when I read you (Ami) or others talk about you Nmom and all the stuff we have had to bear it is easy looking from the outside in to say, "GET OVER IT ALREADY!!" And I do believe we have to make baby steps from one thing to the next.....with occasional leaps!!!
Sometimes there are things that just catapult you out of where you were and put you into another realm. I quit my job and went to work for the furniture store. I didn't come crawling back (like the last time.....) After three months my nmom knew she held no power over me. That was the last nail on the coffin!! I was free.
It is wonderful to be there, but gosh darn it, why do I have to have cancer now? No FAIR!!
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It is NOT fair at all, Kelly.I do think that the cancer will just be a chapter not an ongoing struggle. I felt that right from the beginning.As far as our life with the NM's. I have come to the conclusion that I have to RESPECT my life experience in that I have to reject people who want to push me down about it.
Let them live it and then be such a big shot! Ami
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Yes. I believe we were brainwashed. People who come out of cults take time to be free.......it takes time for us to emerge from the tyranny we endured growing up. But the bad news is we didn't even know we were living it. To us, that was our life. Our parents were our parents. No one thought my family was dysfunctional......my brother and I were very instrumental in exposing the dysfunction......not comfortable but necessary...
Well, I tried my wig on today.......I will get my head shaved a week from tomorrow!!!! Love one of them......it looks better than my own hair!
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I'm betting you look fabulous in your wig. Sending lots and lots of love to you Kelly - lots of love and physical healing. I know you can do it - you got over such a larger healing earlier this year. Love to you.
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Thanks GS.
Today I go in for my second round of chemo. It is the double whammy. I took some steroids yesterday, today and tomorrow. Plus I get a shot to up my white blood counts. I could not sleep at all last night due to the steroids. I am afraid of gaining weight with them. I already have gained back ten pounds just from laying around for six weeks..
I am afraid next week I will feel pretty tired.
My daughter got a job and is going to training out of town on Thursday and Friday. I will go with her and watch the babe while she is training. Hope that works out.....
I suppose she is going to want me to watch the babe while she works. I can't tell yet if I will be up to it.
Wednesday I get my head shaved and my wig.....I guess I should go get some kind of a scarf in case I don't want to throw on a wig all the time.......
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something jaunty.... like a pirate scarf???
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Good luck Kelly. I hope the second round goes well for you.
As for your head, I really admire you for making the decision to shave it, rather than watching the hair slowly fall out. You are in CONTROL. I think that's awesome.
Once you see your new look, you may feel comfortable without covering up. Sometimes I see women in the store who have little or no hair due to chemo, and they're totally fine with it. I think it sends a message of strength - power over your own body. Look at Melissa Etheridge showing up to accept her Grammy with a shaved head. She was shouting to the world, "I'm strong, I'm fighting, I'm a survivor."
Of course, that's easy for me to say, sitting here with a full head of hair. I'm the type of insecure person who has always hid behind my hair, so I don't know how I would handle it myself. But I do think your perspective might change, and that your focus will become more about wellness than about hair. Did you see the Farrah Fawcett documentary? She felt almost victorious when she shaved her head, because it was HER decision, and she was in control.
I'm looking forward to reading your feelings on Wednesday after you've had your head shaved. It will be a huge moment for you, no doubt. You may go into it thinking that you'll feel a certain way, and come out of feeling completely different. Please come post and tell us how it goes. I will be here cheering for you, as I'm sure we all will be.
You're in my thoughts.
Kathy
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You know, a pirate scarf sounds pretty cool . . . 8)
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You have always been one of my favorite people,Kelly! I wish I could know you in real life. I think we would be good friends. I know you will be OK.
You have so much chuzpa---guts, spirit,strength and will! XXXOO Ami
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Hey,
I know you haven't heard from me before. I just want to say, I admire your strength.
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Bald is beautiful.
I have fantasized that if I were temporarily bald due to chemo, I would carry stick fingerpaints and let little kids draw on my head.
(Then again, it's easy to have silly daydreams when you're not actually facing the hair fallout.)
Good on you, Kell.
You are being matter of fact about it and that's wonderful. Very sane.
xo
Hops
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Hi Kelly,
Purposefulness! That's you!
Love,
tt
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Well, today was a long day. We went in for some blood work and a doc talk....
Then went downtown to the hospital........90 minutes of the Gemtar I took last week and then an hour of Taxotere............
Well that didn't go so well.....they told me there might be some side effects. So about ten minutes in I had this really uncomfortable feeling in my body and suddenly my lower back started having these very sharp pains in it.....my h went to the nurses station and told them I needed them.
Four of them came running. Two nurses pulled the drug out of my IV and immediately flushed me with benydryl and Zantac. Another nurse gave me oxygen and took my temp. Another one did my blood pressure. They checked my heartrate. The tears came flowing. There was this lady right across the way who was just about to start her chemo. I apologized after it was all over for causing a scene...!!
They got me stablized and then called the doc. He wanted them to try it again. I was a little worried but they tried it again and there was no reaction this time!!
So we got it all taken care of. We got home at 5:45 pm.....it was a long day.
Now I guess I will have another night of no sleep with the steroids. At least it is just a three day dose of it. Today was the second day and I didn't sleep at all last night!!
So I have two weeks until the next dose and three weeks until this double whammy dose!!!!
We will see what the next few days bring....
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Sweetie
I am sorry you went through that scary thing. Even through that,you were concerned with the other lady. I am so thankful YOU are in my life even if it is friends in this 2D mode. XXOOOO Ami
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How is your M treating you through all this? Ami
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My mom is depressed. I do not know if she is because I am getting all the attention or if she realizes she has lost control of the world.....
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My Mom is depressed too b/c she doesn't understand how life got so bad . She doesn't realize SHE did it! Ami
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Yes, for so many years mom had the world by the tail. She was successful......she had respect.......money........people turned to her. We all tip toed around her. Everything we did that she wouldn't approve of was hidden behind her back. She took us to Hawaii in 1985 and my 30 year old brother asked her if he could have a Dos XX with his Mexican food.....she said no. We ordered some Pina Coladas and charged them to our room.......she never has taken us back.......we used to go quite often..
that was 24 years ago.
Now the family drinks in front of her. We don't go to her church. We say NO to her from time to time. She is frustrated when she suggests something and no one listens. At work all she does is complain. I finally got to the place where I said I am done with the meetings......I can't work with her and I left.
Yes, she lost all the control. Then she had these guys come in and tell her to leave and let me run the show. Then I get cancer. Everything that she holds dear is gone. Not me. But the limelight on me. She cannot stand being put out to pasture.
Same thing happened with my grandpa. Not that he was successful or anything like that but he controlled everything. When my mom got successful she dismissed him. Soon he no longer ran the show. People stood up to him. Then he got alzheimers and it got bad. My mom is exhibiting all the signs my gpa did. It is an interesting alternate parallel, them....
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Dear Kelly
One of my Bible teachers was talking about how eventually everyone "loses control" . Just the nature of life is a gradual loss of control--even aging if nothing else.
Ami
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Kelly...I'm really glad you're around that little life-pump, your grandbaby.
I hope your H has settled down so he can actually step up a little, help you more than drain you.
Please tell him specifically what you need, he needs the step by step...
Do you feel well enough to have visitors or is it better to rest?
Sending you good naps, gentle dreams, deep healing...
love,
Hops
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Yes, that grandbaby is a life-pump!! I love her so much.
My H got drunk the other night and I told him that when someone is going through chemo the worse thing that can happen is an infection. Would he be ok to drive me to the hospital if he was blasted?? I told him I need him to step up to the plate!!!
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What did your husband say when you asked him that, Kell?
I hope you found a scarf you love..... what did you end up with?
::sending prayers that chemo and positive thoughts destroy the cancer::
Can the doctor give you something to help you sleep?
Mo2
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Hey Kelly (OC)
You sound as though you are in good spirits and am SO happy for all your good news.
Now will you explain something to me about USA Health Insurance? I know now you had the Cancer Insurance, but what about if you didn't or everybody in general.
I began to watch a show called "Sicko" produced by Michael Moore on the trials and tribulations of Americans and Health Care. (My time ran out but I will go back to it in 54 minutes....that's Megavideo for you!)
I was shocked to see that a guy who accidentally cut off the tops of two fingers with a buzz saw would be charged $12,000.00 to have the tip of his ring finger replaced (he chose that) and about $80, 000,00 to have his "tommy tall" replaced. This is outrageous.!!!!!
There is NO Insurance for anyone, unless they buy it from a Private Agency??? (I'm trying to follow what Obama is saying!)
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Now my being struck by a car and transported to the hospital and the emergency services plus surgery, plus hospital stay x 2) for me is all paid for by the Provincial Government, except for ambulance, and I forwarded that ($80.00) to HIS Insurance Co.
What would happen in the USA in an incident like mine? or the previous one with a Neurosurgeon and an Orthopedic surgeon, with an anethesiologist for 7½ hrs and a YEAR in Hospital 40 years ago? What would happen? Somehow I am apalled at what I am thinking!!
I am so shocked!! I used to be in Ontario and everything was covered by our OHIP, as long as we followed certain procedures, such as asking for an appointment for a specialist and recieving an OK from our GP. Go to a specialist without a referral means one pays for the visit! Here in BC we have a CARE card! Same Deal!
So you, for instance , would be in debt for all the years to come, had you not purchased the Insurance?
Therefore all poor sick people die?
OMG! If I am reading this right, it is atrocious! and can Obama fix it?
Love and Get Well Wishes
Izzy
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You've got it, Izzy.
Exactly. And it is atrocious.
love,
Hops
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Well, to answer your Q Mo2.....I haven't lost any hair but expect it to start falling out soon. The only thing I have is a wig......don't have it yet.....but it is on the way......my friend is going to have a hat and scarf party for me.....
Yesterday my h went over to his dad's house and his 42 year old sister was drunk off her butt.......he got to see first hand how it is to handle a drunken adult. He called it a wake up call. That family.........a lot of drunks.
As far as my insurance, Iz......I have regular health care provided to me by my job. I opted to buy some supplemental cancer insurance because I knew I had a family history of it and just wanted piece of mind.
As far as the US......this whole insurance thing is huge. People usually fall on one side or the other. Some people think it is wonderful and others think it is awful. I personally do not know all the ramifications on our taxes, etc. if it goes through.
I think the major thing people are worried about is that the quality of care will go down and the middle class will have to pay for it. I also think there is a lot of unrest due to the fact that the US is giving social security benefits and health care to illegal aliens. People who have not paid into the system are taking from those who did....
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Glad to hear that you're doing so well, Kelly, and that you have such an upbeat attitude.
Izzy, I thought that "Sicko" was dead-on accurate. I have private insurance through my husband's employer, and am constantly turned down for treatments and medications. I can't imagine what it must be like for the uninsured. I take Imitrex for my migraines, and my insurance will only pay for nine pills a month. If I need more than nine, the cost of the drug is somewhere around $500, which I can't afford. I'm in Arizona, and a lot of people go down to Mexico to buy their medications (my doctor actually recommended this). I also have a limit on the number of therapy visits I can have per year, and have to pay for the rest in cash ($150 a visit).
I think the people who are protesting Obama's plan are simply misinformed, or are listening to the nuts who are spreading rumors about these so-called "death panels." I was born in Canada and know first hand that the Canadian system, while not perfect, blows away what we have here.
Kelly, taking out the private cancer insurance was a very wise move. I have a friend who recently lost her husband to pancreatic cancer. They had private insurance (not cancer insurance), but his battle lasted many years, and involved many surgeries and treatments that the insurance would not cover. Even with insurance, she was left with TWO MILLION DOLLARS in medical bills. We need reform, for sure.
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Hi JKathy
I finally saw all of 'Sicko' and I found it appalling, really! How much I didn't know, and it seems surreal!
OC
How are things going? Any expenses you didn't know about?
Keep Well
xx
Izzy
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So far my insurance is covering everything.....what they don't cover I can pay with the supplemental insurance. That has amounted to around $1000 so far. My cancer is very aggressive and rare so they do not know much about it. I suppose if I have to do some experimental stuff my insurance company might balk.....
I feel pretty good right now. I have my next round starting on Friday.
Chemo is NOT fun. I cannot describe it but it is just icky........
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OC :oops:
I don't want to hear the icky stuff and hope I never have to go through it!
Everything appears to be going your way! Thank Heaven
Love
Iz