Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival => Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board => Topic started by: Lupita on July 12, 2009, 12:27:30 AM
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I am mad at him half of the time. I do not like many things that he does. I thought like Hops that I was fixating in the negative instead of appreciating the good that he has. But I think it is just a non match.
He makes too many noises when he eats. After ten months of telling him he is finally trying to stop it. But I have to be constantly remanding him. I get very irritated with that.
He monopolizes my conversations. I have asked so many so many so many times to stop doing that. he just does not stop. Even with a baby, I was playing pick aboo with a baby and he came a took over. I cannot even have an interaction with somebody else because he has to interfere. I was talking to my son in Spanish with the special purpose of W not to be able to interfere, but my son started to talk in English for respect of him and he again monopolized the conversation. Non stop talking.
He shared information of me with his family. I told him that I do not like that. he tells me that it is not important. Thet his family loves me and there is nothing wrong.
My son is doing a phd, since I was a doctor, we can talk about many science things. like neural receptors, pharmacology etc. W, tried today to talk about treatment in depression. I told him I did not want to talk about that. He does not understand why. He wants to speak in Spanish with me when he only has taken a few lessons that he never memorizes.
I cannot pass from how are you or what is your name and after that there si nothing that he remembers.
I am an advanced dancer of salsa. He is a beginner. It is boring to dance with a beginner. It is boring to speak the treatment of depression with a person that only knows general information. Why does he want to do thinsg with me that I do not want to do with him? I already told him. he says that I am bad to him because he is too nice.
It is like he is too ignorant to understand. I donot know what to think.
He is positive, he is none judgemental, he is a good person, he is good with computers. Why am I conmstantly mad at him?
I have told him that I do not want more than friendship. He seems not to understand.
Sometimes when I am with him, I have the feeling that he behaves like my mother. Not with the malignity of my mother but in a similar way of lack of contact with reality. He is a good person but I am conjstantly mad at him.
am I begin too picky? Will I regret if I push him away?
I am so confused!!!!!
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He has many things that he can talk about with me, but he always wants to talk about things that are not in his area of expertise. He is good with computers, he is good with the stock market, he is good with phylosophy. But, no, her odes not want to talk about the thngs that he is good at. he wants to talk about pharmacology, or music, or to speal Spanish, etc. I tell him how to improve, but he does not listen.
I try all the time to tell my slef that he is a wonderful person and that should be enough. It is hard for me.
I do not want to regret l;ater if I push him away. I am tired of him. He mirrors what I do. Echo personality. If I dance, he dances. If I moves, he moves. He copies from me, If I register for classes he wants to take thoose calsses with me. It is kind of parasitic, but I guess I am too lonely and I use it as an excuse. I do nto understand why I keep going out with him when he irritates me that much.
But I always attract either narcissistic or parasitic people.
I wish I could attrtact a person with emotional health that can grow up with me.
W's son is constantly losing jobs. He has not been capable of keeping a job for the last ten months that I have ben going out with him. I kind of understand that he buts head with the bosses and he has problems aknowledging the outhority and that is why he gets fired. I told him that his son needs counselling and that would help him to have a more successful life. He tells me, it is nothing. He has had bad luck. When there is a pattern, there is not bad luck. There is a pattern that has to be modified. W lives in denial fo everything.
Why do I critizise hime so much? Why am I being so jusgemental? he is a good person but he irritates me so much.
I do not know what to do.
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Dear Lupita
I think you could boil your dilemma down to one thing. You do not trust your feelings. You do not trust that your heart will lead you where you should go.
I understand your "mind" in being afraid to let him go when no one else seems to be there for you. When you honor yourself ,you will start to love and respect yourself more.
When you have yourself, you have it all.
Ami
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I do not know if you are right about that it is the only one thing about the dilemma. But you are right about that I am afraid to be alone again. I was alone for 20 years before. He is the only one that has tuck around me for the last past ten months. He does whatevevr I want, almost. He agrees with me in almost everything. But he gives me the impression of being a little child too many times. i do not understand why. He is like my playmate. Can you come out and play? We go kayaking, swimming, walking, power wallking, exercise, movies. He is the girlfriend that I would like to have. But he is not a girlffriend. He is a man and he thinks he is in love with me.
The other thing you are right is that I do not trust my perseptions. I have been paranoid many times due to my mother constant prosecution. Now, I aM AFRAID that I am hearing fire crackers and it is not a bombarding like in PTSD. I know I have been wrong so many times. I have lost tremendous opportunities for hearing bombarding when it was fire crackers.
I am afraid that I am only seeing the negative in him instead of appreciating so much good that he has to offer.
And, as usual, I will regret whatever desition I make.
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I can see the difference between my Aunt and me.She honors the person inside of her.
I was trained to be an object to meet the needs of N's not figure out my needs and try to meet them.
It is a basic decision about our value.
My Aunt tells me simple things like"You are as good as anyone else".
We are, Lupita. Ami
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Lupita:
I thought you'd found a T to develop a relationship with?
It really sounds like a good T would be able to help you figure all this out.
In the meantime...... you don't have to do anything, one way or the other.
Just pull back a little from the situation emotionally and plan things you believe you'll enjoy with W.
Too much together time can put a strain on any relationship.
M02
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Again, I lost again.
W gave me an ultimatum. Also, threatened not to help me move. he said that teh "affection" I am witholdinh from him, is killing him" That he is going to find that somewhere else and if the else does not want him to help me. he will not help me to move.
I wrote him an e mail that says that it shows what kind of a person he is.
I have to start a new life.
Again, because I donot make up my mind, somebody else does it for me.
My son is mad at me no matter what I do. I do not have a family.
I am tired.
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Dear Lupita
I don't think he is a bad person, just human and hurting.He wanted you and he feels rejected. That really hurts. We have all been on that side of it.
I am facing aloneness ,too.
It is really scary to be WITH ourselves when we have been ravaged by our NM's but that is just what I am trying to do---know myself as I am ,not as my NM TOLD me I was.
I want to know,love and accept me. After that, I will worry about relationships. That is my goal. Ami
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Lupe...... I can't imagine an ultimatum would make you feel more affection for W.
Esp when he's apparently leveraging your dependence on him duing the upcoming move.
This sounds like W's attempting to control you, and that's not friendship or love, IMO.
If I'm wrong, I apologize. That's what I what I took away from your post.
So, if he can't help you with the move, then what?
Can you still swing it yourself?
If not, can you simply stay where you are?
You love that place and it only saves 300.00 a month.
You have the expense of moving to consider in that equation.
I know you've been very happy in your little nest.
Just consider all your options, ((Lupe.))
You can handle this.
Mo2
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I am sad and disappointed he let me down when I needed him. he is just like my mother. I am sad becasue I started to think that he was a good influence in my life.
But it just adds up to my sadness of not having family. No familye. Not here, nor there. Not eenewhere.
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I wish you had a warm kind small church community, Lup...
that's how I've created a family for myself...
I am very very sorry you feel so alone.
love,
Hops
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You're stronger than you know, Lupe.
I wish you had a solid supportive relationship with someone who knows everything about you.
A therapist, a church member, someone from a support group for women......
someone you consider a friend.
BTW..... you have your friends here.
You're not completely alone (((Lupita)))
you always have yourself.
Is there any way to keep the apartment you're in now?
Mo2
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M02, it's the two-hour drive wearing her down...
that's why she needs to move...
Lupita, any chance you're also experiencing post-operative depression?
It is pretty unpredictable (but it does go away after a while).
It's a real thing.
xo
Hops
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Lupita
Just a thought but ask s/one you love on the Board if you can call them. Some people have unlimited cell minutes or may not mind calling long distance.
I know you have many friends here. Ami
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Thank you for your responses Mo2 and Hops.
Ami. they have to offer. I will not ask. But, it would be nice to have somebody to talk to. To hear a voice. T I will see on the 17 of July. Four more days.
Hops, it is all together. Surgery, church problems, church problems have been there forever. I am really thinking to stop church. It is a burden.
W is not as good as I was thinking. He gave ma an ultimatum in the owrst of the moments. That means what kind a person he is. he thought I would not resist. That is very bad.
My family that I do not have.
Everything together. Coming back from "home" made me very sad. crying for something I did not have and for I wish to have.
not being able to dance for a long time due tro a fracture toe. I mean eight weeks.
Cant go in the ocean yet.
I have to move, and need to look for help becasue W deos not want to do it.
I am mad at the universe, at God, at not really mad, just disappointed and lonely.
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Dear Lupita
I don't agree with you on not asking.Maybe, that is one of the keys to your lonliness. The other person may be doing exactly what you are doing---waiting for s/one to ask.
When I like s/one, I reach out first.The worst that can happen is that they reject me. Then I will see that rejection won't kill me and that is a good lesson in itself. Ami
PS I have met good friends on the Board who have become friends in real life. I think I asked first 95% of the time.
Bean and I talk several times a week, still.
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(((((((Lupita))))))))))
love to you, sad one...
I am very sorry.
Soon you will weather it. It's weather.
Moving is so hard, much less after all the recent upheavals you've had.
Very tough time for you!
hugs,
Hops
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He called me back. last night. I hate him. He made me suffer for nothing. He gave me an ultimatum for nothing. I was suffering for three days for nothing.
He has lost with me.
Now, I put my picture in a dating site and I will start something soon.
Still, I want to keep him as a friend because I have to consider that he did in a desperate moment of not getting what he wants and he is human. But from now on, I will keep a very big emptional distance from him.
Hope that I can complay with my detachment and do not get irritated. Also, much much much less see him, less less often. he has no idea what he did to me.
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Put on your helmet, Lupita.
Don't let him control your emotions.
You're in control.
Not him.
Not anyone else.
(((Lupita)))
Have you figured out logistics for the move?
When does it happen and can you lift anything yet?
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Maybe you're partly angry at him because you have felt so dependent?
I understand...
I have had rounds of frustration with Gennulman too.
Lately though, it's dissolved into accepting him for who he is, the relationship for what it is (it helps me a lot that he accepts that too), and we're just happy comrades in the present...
One day, I think I'll feel the pull of a different future and a new partner perhaps, someone with whom I can build a little bit more bourgeois life. But I am learning a lot right now -- his limits are my inspirations.
He lost so much he has no fear of lack. (But he doesn't judge me for mine.) And that is wonderful to be around. He loaned me a terrific book called Better OFF, by Eric Brende--it is like drinking water.
Sorry to hijack, Lup...open wide inside...be curious about what kind of a life you can lead as your orbit opens up to new pulls, new interests and passions...
Your play is nowhere near over. This is intermission. There is always more story, another discovery, another act.
Be kind to yourself. And be yourself.
Then it'll be easier to let him be him and not make it about blame.
He's given you company during a time when you really needed it.
It's okay to step back, and have less time with him, your life is changing...
love
Hops
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Thank you Hop and Mo2.
I am trying.
Really. I am trying to accept him as he is and be a friend. He is difficult. But he is a good person. Just that he wants to threat when he does not get what he wantS AND i DISLIKE THOSE GAMES. He probably doe snot even realize what he si doing, despite that I tell him. he is unconscious.
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(((Lupita)))
I guess if you change your expectations of W, you won't be so dissapointed and injured when he's unable to repsect your boundaries.
He's trying to control you.
He's trying to control himself.
He's failing at both.
How sad for him.
Keep your boundaries firm and in place.
Men who try to change women's NO's into a YES...... are big red flags, IME.
::whispering::
Please remain firm and perhaps state another boundary:
"If you behave that way again, I'll know you don't want to have a friendship with me and our relationship will end."
Or not.
Take care, Lupe.
Mo2
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yes mo2. threatens of abandonement are the worst emotional abuse.
He has to see that his temper tantrums result in bad for him. He loses terrain every time he does one of those.
Little by little.
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I don't think W can do any better.....
or he would.
You can't control him..... only yourself so maybe keep your focus on you.
I wish you could mindfully concentrate on what you do want, and not what you don't want.
Turn away from feelings of isolation and smile in your own company.... even if you don't feel like it.... till it begins to feel more comfortable.
Make your favorite tea and snuggle in your favorite blanket with a nice book.
Reach out to other people....... smile at those you pass and enjoy the feeling of your favorite fabrics on your skin.
Keep a Journal and put all the negative there. Read it over and see if it makes sense. If one of your friends here had those same thoughts, what would you say to her/him?
Come up with a nurturing self care rituals you enjoy..... then force yourself to keep at it, even when you despair to do so.
These are only suggestions and avenues that might lead to feeling better.
Your road may have to be different, but you're certainly capable of helping yourself.
Pray for God to help you help yourself, pray to see the truth more clearly.
You're very special Lupita and God has you on this road for a reason. Someday it will be clear why, IMO.
You deserve to live without despair.
Can you make a list of the blessings you do have, as a start?
You have a T appt coming up..... I hope that goes well.
Mo2