Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival => Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board => Topic started by: Gaining Strength on July 13, 2009, 10:27:17 AM
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I had a phone call early this morning that has really got me down.
I went to the market Saturday morning with my son and he bumped into a boy from school whom he really liked. My son just started the school in January and we invited that boy to do things with us 3 or 4 times by phone or e-mail. We never received a reply. When my child spoke to this boy his mother came up and asked him "who are you?" and when my son replied her answer was, "i know who you are." and she turned and walked away looking over her shoulder to call her son.
I was watching the whole thing. My son was devastated and stood there with his hands down and jaw slack.
When I relayed this to another mother her response was to ask what my child had done to the other boy. My answer was that whatever might have happened that is no excuse for the mother's rudeness. The person I was speaking to went on to talk about some experiences she had had with children being rude to her child.
And then she finished by saying that some children might not understand when my son gets upset or angry about not having a father. But she didn't give me any specifics - nothing that I can do anything about. She went on to say that she has had to try to put things in perspective for her own son when my child gets upset about not having a father and that others may not be so willing.
I am just at a new low. Life is really so difficult as it is. I am newly astounded that people are so without compassion and effort, that rudeness from an adult to a child is so easily explained and passed off. I am so tired of my son and me being shut out and isolated.
A week ago this same mother replied to my comment that I was tired of doing everything by myself that she longed to do things by herself. When I suggested that having an option might be different she still didn't get it. Why is it so difficult for people to try to imagine what it is like to stand in someone else's shoes.
It is difficult to raise a child who is hyperactive but even moreso when everyone else turns their back and walks away. I am tired beyond description. Worn out - feeling hopeless again. Too much is piling up and I am in extreme pain. Noone reaches out and yet I see these other mothers with hired help and fathers bending over backwards to help each other out. I feel so all alone - helplessly all alone.
The irony is that when I am with Richard and other adults he is so charming and I receive complement after complement. The contrast is quite stark. I am so tired from the isolation and loneliness and paucity of resources.
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GS,
I'm so sorry you are surrounded by a bunch of uncaring, non-empathetic, ignorant people. No, seems like they cannot put themselves into your shoes. Don't let the jerks get you down. Can you get your son some therapy re: his feelings about his father? Even tho these women are jerks, I see this as somewhat of a wake up call re: getting your son more help if he is acting out. Maybe he needs to deal with his feelings of loss & grief. Even though he was very young when his father passed, it's still a loss for him.
Try to breath, tap, relax: You will do the right thing. Think positive. Please don't let this ruin your day or your progress. It's all a journey, step by step. Have faith & confidence in yourself & your son.
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I'm so sorry you and your son are in distress, ((GS.))
People are so wrapped in their own lives..... sometimes they can't put themselves in the shoes of others.
That's such a sad reality, but it's true.
There are empathetic people out there, as well..... you'll be looking hard at your son's classmates and parents for a better playdate fit, no doubt.
Are there any single parent groups in your area, where you can share some of your frustrations and sadness?
I don't like you feeling so isolated...... please reach out.
In the meantime..... use that mother's rudeness as a learning experience for your son.
It won't help the hurt, but perhaps he'll gain some understanding, and problem solving tools, that will.
((GS and son))
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I'm sorry too, GS...
I don't fully understand...something's not clear.
But regardless, your son's in pain (as you are) and something about how he tries to share his feelings with is peers is coming across in a way that's offputting -- and other people are recoiling from him, which of course increases his pain. (And yours.)
Does that sound right?
Do you have any idea what's actually happening between him and other kids? Or was it the mother only who responded poorly? (And boy she WAS rude. Ick!)
Is there any way you could ask the mother who was willing to share with you...very openly and undefensively, to please sit down with you and describe to you in detail exactly what she's referring to about your son? (Of course, hard as it is, you'd have to convey that you truly want to listen, without explaining or defending...and then really do listen to it...)
Maybe if she knows you really want to know what it is, she'll walk you through it. Maybe she'll be able to clearly describe an anecdote or some sort of interaction that has happened. And then you may have some important information about your son's way of communicating that will help you get him the help he needs...oh I hope so.
I'm terribly sorry to hear it.
It sounds isolating and very painful.
For you both.
((((((GS)))))))
love,
Hops
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(((((((((((GS)))))))))))))
It's not hopeless, sweetie. You don't have to give in letting this feeling overwhelm you. Just accept it as a normal reaction to an unpleasant experience that triggered the old hurt - be kind to yourself and consider the wise advice you've gotten to help your son understand, too. Doing something constructive might help you, too. You're far from helpless and the feeling isn't more powerful than you are. You sure DO have a choice, to not get stuck in this... and while it might take some effort... YOU CAN DO IT.
I know you can.
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For some reason, beyond my understanding, my deepest wounds are being really stirred up. It is definitely painful.
I see my therapist every two weeks, 4 weeks ago my appointment was cancelled, except I received no notice of it, 2 weeks ago I was out of town and then yesterday after trying for 4 days to make arrangements for my son to get to football camp at 8:30 (my appointment is at 8:00) I finally just took him with me only to learn after we had been sitting in the waiting room for 10 minutes - that my appointment was cancelled again. Apparently they had called monday afternoon but that day had been horrific and I did not check my messages. It was sort of the last straw. I am so angry but no way to resolve it.
I am so lonely with noone to talk to and even if I did they would be tired of hearing the same stuff. I am so isolated.
I met a mother and son last week. Her son has some form of autism though I only know it because I have been told. It does not make itself easily known. She suggested that my son might be "sensory seeker". I know nothing about that but began researching it. One of the things I came across was about how exhausting and isolating it is to raise such children. I cannot tell you how true that statement is for me. Add that to the already devastating isolation and lack of support and lack of resources. I feel as though I am drowning.
I have called a couple of people in recent weeks or emailed them and received no returned phone calls. I invited two boys to this camp who never replied. One of the mothers saw MY mother and said they were coming. No call or email to me - no show. I'm tired of reaching out and getting nothing in return - not even a reply. The wound is huge - I am fallling into it like a giant sinkhole.
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Hops - I don't really know what is going on.
Yesterday's post is complicated b/c there are two inciddents embedded together. One was about the mother's reaction at the Market on Sat. The son seemed genuinely glad to see Richard.
The second was the other mother. I could ask her but I don't think I would get a result that would be useful. She is also clueless about her own children's behavior. I got a report from a friend last week that she sat beside her children in a restaurant while her 8 year old son tormented her 20 month old to the point of others leaving the restaurant, all the while she carried on a conversation, never once correcting her son nor soothing her SCREAMING baby. Additionally her son brings all kinds of sexually information to the other children and did so again at our little camp yesterday, relaying some sex scene from Liar Liar until I cut him off and explained that that was in appropriate and not allowed.
She might give me some information but it would be in a way that would have hostile tones to it and that would not be helpful. I have asked my son's teachers regularly for information about his socializing and never received negative reports. Maybe there is some other source.
But my real point of the post was about the behavior of the mothers. Both of whom were unkind. Any BTW, if some other child I knew was having a hard time not having a father I assure you I would reach out to that child rather than shut them out.
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I hear you...I too find it almost unbearable when parents don't help their children (kindly but firmly) learn how to restrain their impulses in public places so that people around them can enjoy the space too. It's like not teaching their kids empathy.
I understand why you feel she wouldn't be much help--and no, you don't need any hostile criticism!
I can imagine how very alone, swamped, slogging, drained you are feeling, poor GS.
You do deserve comfort, company, daily care. I am so terribly sorry you don't have it right now.
I hope some new way of bringing positive relationships into your life will manifest very very very soon.
(((((((((((((((GS))))))))))))))))))
A big hug...to both you and your sweet boy.
love,
Hops
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Dear GS
I have been thinking about your dilemma and it brought some insights about my own life. In any situation,a crucial question is "What is my responsibility and what is s/one elses?"
If s/one treats me badly, am *I* less b/c of it?
My FOO pattern was making sure that no one ever felt badly about themselves as I HAD to do for my M so she would not become a monster. I was on alert for any sign that she might have bad feelings about herself and I had to jump in and quell them.
When my M became a monster, you did not want to be there, especially as a little child.
I found myself feeling the same way during a guitar lesson. My teacher was merely a blank slate and I saw myself having to make sure that he felt OK or I felt that I did not exist or was bad.
It was a strange overlaying of past reality over present but I SAW it.
Maybe, trying to separate yourself from other's issues may help. Compost,of course, if it does not apply. Ami
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"I was on alert for any sign that she might have bad feelings about herself and I had to jump in and quell them."
Ami,
Great description of co-dependence. Boundaries counteract co-dependence. What's theirs is theirs & what's ours is ours & we must know the difference.
Good work, babe!!
xoxo, ann
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Thank you ((Ann))
Your words mean a lot to me. I realize that I went to Al Anon for 13 years and never knew what co-dependence was. Ami
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OK, I hear ya. It can be very uncomfortable when communications/wires get crossed and you NEED to see your T. Could you perhaps arrange an out-of-sync appointment? To make up for the lost weeks?
Maybe it's time to stop trying to connect for a bit... focus on your business, your son, and get back a little of the dazzling work you were doing while he was away at camp.
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Here's a peek at my evening. I took my child to this flavored ice place after dinner and we took the dog and sat outside. When it was time to go I asked my son to help get the dog in the car. This is a normal activity. When we got home I asked him did he let the dog out. Yes he said. I went in to give our dying cat a sub-cutaneous infusion and some food. After the fluids I realized we were out of cat food and rounded up my son and our cat and headed down to the store about a mile away. It is hot here. So I asked him to sit in the car with the cat with the engine and air-conditioning running. I ran in grabbed some cat food, paid and headed out of the door - less than 5 minutes - there comes my boy. "Where is the key?" He looked stunned. I go to the car - in front of the store - not even in a parking space - engine running and the door is locked. I go back into the store and call a lock smith who gets there almost before I hang the phone up. He opens the door and $60 (I barely have) later we are on our way. I get home tell my son to take the two back seat cushions (that's yet another story) out and shut both back doors. He comes up to the house and I ask, "Did you shut the car doors." "Yes." "Both of them?" "Yes." I get my son dressed for bed and ask him where the dog is. "I don't know." "Did you put him in the car at the flavored ice place?" "No." "You said you did." I turn, grab my purse and walk out without a word. I go down to the car and there one of the back doors is wide open. I drive to the flavored ice hut and ask around until I find our faithful old dog just waiting there patiently for him mama.
I am tired! physically and emotionally.
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PR - that's a good idea. Things felt like they were going along so swimmingly and then suddenly the rug felt yanked out again. Time to calm down and rebalance. Thank you all for letting me vent. Perhaps that is part of the healing for me as that was definitely never allowed in my life - not with my FOO nor with my first husband nor my 2nd. No venting allowed and what was done was held against me. It is a blessing and a healing to be able to come here and dump my pain out and receive kindness and concern in return. That is healing and helping is a precious, precious gift.
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Your evening reminded me of some song lyrics... Bruce Springsteen I think....
"someday we'll look back on this, and it will all seem funny".
It DOES turn out that way with kids... even though that's the last thing that comes to mind at the time. There are days when you would simply give the kid away to the first person who made a reasonable offer... days when it seems like they are truly out to get you. But the other days somehow prevent this, ya know?
While I was in art school, we were terribly poor (though I'd not known anything much different all my life). I was frantically trying to finish a painting that was due on Monday. I had both step-sons by myself that Sat; both in Little League - but their games were at different times. Painting requires long stretches of "flow"... and after I'd interrupted my work twice, put up with their whining and being put-out because their dad had to work... and they were both back home... I settled in for some piece & quiet. When I came up for air, I checked the 'fridge for something. The dozen eggs I'd just bought - or thought I'd bought - were gone.
When questioned, the oldest admitted - finally - that they'd thrown them all at the cows. I was so angry I couldn't even speak - for a moment. One simply doesn't waste food, when poor. To this day... it's still one of the funny - hilarious - stories that the kids remember. And they have a point: I was taking myself and the deadline I was trying to meet - WAAAAAY too seriously. I wasn't happy about being the designated babysitter for their dad, either... but there wasn't anything else to be done. Once I'd heard what happened to the eggs.... the tension between us broke and the rest of the weekend was pleasant.
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Oh GS
What a night! *I* see you as handling frustrations and responsibilities SO well .
I admire so many things about you, GS. Ami
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There are days when you would simply give the kid away to the first person who made a reasonable offer...
LOL - today I would PAY!
[qote]To this day... it's still one of the funny - hilarious - stories that the kids remember. [/quote]
funny indeed - nothing like a sense of humor.
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As long as you can remember: you didn't do anything to deserve it... there's nothing about you, that'll prevent you from having the same difficulties, the same frustrations, run into the same rude people and have the same bad days.... as every other human being on earth. We all get our share; in that respect we're not special!
Someone once told me: God doesn't give you more than he thinks you can bear. (and there's no qualification in that as to "gracefully, with dignity, or whatever" - no criteria or conditions about HOW we bear it!!)
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Well - I'm getting clear on two forces that are sabotaging my progress. One is the sense of having to do everything by myself and the other is feeling belittled. It is the inadequacy and the condemnation that I have carried around since childhood. Those two can be iterated in dozens of ways but ultimately I need to overcome and heal them. That is it - strait and narrow.
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Maybe there is someone you can help do something...
in exchange for help you need.
Maybe that'll slice through the two feelings...
Doesn't have to be a "big" project, either.
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Hi GS,
I'm jumping in your thread here a little late but I wanted to let you know I have read through and am holding this in compassionate prayer for you. I can so relate to all that you wrote about feeling isolated, tired and like you are in a sinking hole, that sense of hopelessness.
You said:
"One is the sense of having to do everything by myself and the other is feeling belittled. It is the inadequacy and the condemnation that I have carried around since childhood. Those two can be iterated in dozens of ways but ultimately I need to overcome and heal them. That is it - strait and narrow."
This makes perfect sense for me. As a child, like you, I too was neglected emotionally and mentally I think that the pain of that sense of being left to takecare of ourselves when we were so small and vulnerable gets buried deep and then gets triggered by the very painful life experience that you just had with these mothers and the challenge of parenting your son. The belittlement that we experienced as a child is frustratingly painful because at the same time we had to emotionally defend ourselves, lift our ownselves up as tiny children, then, we had parents who constantly sent us a message that we were inadequate and NOT capable.
Hope this help,
Lise
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Lise - I am sorry that you get it so clearly. Only someone who has lived it can write your post.
PR - that is a very good idea. I am moving closer. It will take some guts.
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GS... it really can be extremely small things at first. Holding the door for someone juggling packages and kids... smiling and chatting with cashiers at the store - letting them know you recognize that they are human beings, too. Those kinds of things help them get through their day with a positive event... and that's what "connection" is... at a basic level.
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Thanks PR. I definitely see the value in your suggestion. I have made that a concerted effort for the past year or so. Some days are easier than others. I am learning that the times it is difficult are related to some vague (unconscious) reaction or connection of one of those piercing wounds from long ago.
Now my job is to keep my focus on that discomfort and follow it down to a healing instead of allowing it to continue to fester. This is difficult and exacting work.