Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival => Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board => Topic started by: farfaraway on July 24, 2009, 10:02:44 PM
-
I have been crying for hours, my pain almost unbearable. First it was my son in law, just after my cousin hung himself. He was so cruel, he took my daughter and grandson away for ever. Then my girlfriend came over noticing that I was so down, she moved in to my house, she spent all this time with me, telling me I was gonna be okay, and then she stabbed me in back, with a smile on her face...she abandoned all our plans, hopes, and most of all she made me believe that would be there...what did I do. She just kept on after two weeks while I got my strength back, this past week only the third week of grief from my losses in life, she just uprooted everything. I am got knocked down so bad. She knows that I fear abandonment and how painful these weeks have been, how could she do this!!! She just left me high and dry, used me for all that I have, and did so much damage to my rented house, letting her puppy pee all over everything, our couch and chair, carpets and flooring are all ruined, I haven t got any money to repair anything....I feel hopeless, I do not know what to do....I can barely see for crying, I hurt so much I cant even get a hold of myself or any of my friends. I feel so alone in the world, I cant believe this happening to me, the worst is that she had it all planned. She said she was leaving so as not to hurt me, but her journal was on floor and I picked it up, an my name was all though, all her plans....when I was so lost and hopeless she just smiled and giggled all the way down the street. What a horrible thing to have happen, I dont know how to trust anyone, I just tried to help her out too. How could this happen, in less then a month. I think I have been broken, I am worthless. I do not know how to survive this!!!!!!!!! :? :(
-
farfaraway - you do not know at this time how you will survive but we will help you find the way. You are able to feel the excruciating pain because you are about to embark on your journey of healing.
I am pained in reading your post. My heart aches for what you have endured.
As you begin to heal you will also begin to be attracted to and to attract to you healthier and kinder and supportive people - the type of people you need in your life. The first place to start is to believe you deserve this and that you will have loving and caring people in your life. Believing it is the first step.
You will find the people here are the first in your journey. You will find supportive people, caring people and people who will be there for you in the long run. This is a good place to start, a good place to come to, and a good place to find comfort and understanding. Even though you are in severe pain - unbeknownst to you, your healing has begun. Stay with us and start to believe that which you long to believe.
-
Ok, I am going to sleep now, it has been one hell of a night, mostly no sleep. I think I can embrace kinder nicer people. thanks so much for responding to me, and I do I do I do want to believe that I can trust and be helped, I will pray for it...for the rest of my life.
thank you gaining strength
-
Dear Faraway
There ARE people out there who have a loving heart for hurting people like us.
People who do not have N parents do not really understand the deepest workings of my soul. They will say some version of "Get over it". Then I will feel MORE shame that I can't.
No version of "Get over it" helps. I will get over when I CAN and when I DO. Everyone wants to be emotionally well. They are just stuck.
People are like plants. If they have sun and water(love and understanding), they will grow.
You reach out. That is a sign of being a survivor. I always reached out from the time I was a little girl.
I used to ride the subway with my M(age 3) and ask women,"Will you take me home and be my mother?"
I have been doing that ever since but I am healing now after all these years. Love Ami
-
Farfaraway,
Don't give up hope! Sometimes it is less painful to give it up, but only temporarily ... there ARE genuine people out there that genuinely care for others, and you WILL make friends and relationships with some of those genuine people. You WILL learn to recognize someone that is faking concern and love, and you WILL learn to avoid those rotten excuses for human beings.
I like what Gaining Strength said, that being able to feel the pain is a sign you are ready to begin a healing journey. Allow yourself to experience the pain --- rather than stuff it down and ignore it. It will pass quicker that way. And when it passes, the gift of the pain is a heightened "S.O.B. detector" --- less likely somebody will be able to steamroller you like that again!
-
Farfar,
Whom do you have in 3-D, in your community, that you can talk to?
If there is no one, that's your next job. To find a counselor, a mental health support group, even a hospital therapy group (I went to one for months at one point when I was younger...I was an outpatient member, and I was greatly helped)...a women's agency, a psychology grad student-run therapy group, a clinic, a learning/support group of some sort through a church you are comfortable with, an Adult Children of Alcoholics Group, any 12-Step group you can remotely fit in, an abuse survivors group...
You need to vent, to write--here is very very good for that.
But when despair floats up from the floorboards, you need to remember you are a human being, a member of the human community, and you need to find a REGULAR meeting/gathering/support group to attend, and you need to find actual help in the community where you live--individual sessions if you can arrange it, but also a group, because a group gives strength and also holds one accountable in a different way--and you need to work at accepting and working hard with that help until you yourself are so strong you can one day pass it on.
And you can be. I am sure of it.
Have you ever read Dibs in Search of Self? Good book for you...
Hops
-
Remember though, Farfaraway, if you have no one outside, you have us. I was that way for a long time. It is OK. Ami
-
You have gotten some good advice - and more importantly people here heard you:
you're not abandoned... even if we are just online, we are a big tribe of "amazons" who care.
How are you feeling today? What's on your mind?
-
Thank You everyone! I am so down and perplexed. I just been sent a rash of horrible emails, now I think I have to delete my accounts. It is so difficult. But on the bright side, I have community here, that is right. I am beginning to love the tribe, "amazons", still have to work on my own perception of things, I am having trouble keeping focus. I have begun to go back to my safe zone, my farfaraway zone.
-
She knows that I fear abandonment and how painful these weeks have been, how could she do this!!!
Farfar,
I spent years asking myself this same question. I remember many nights sitting in my room, crying so hard over something my N mother had done to me that my eyes would swell and my head would hurt. I'd sit there asking myself over and over "How could she do this to me?" Once I started reading up on NPD, and seeing a therapist, I realized that my N mom could do those things because she had a personality disorder. She is SICK. There is something wrong with these people. They live to hurt other people, and they are incapable of remorse. I wasted SO many years trying to understand how M could do the things she did, but once I was able to accept the cold hard fact that she had a sickness, I was able to move forward and start working on ways to protect myself from further hurt. They're a lost cause. You can't help them, but you can help yourself.
As Ami said, if you cannot find help on the outside, you have us. I wish like heck that I could find a support group in my community, but I'm currently stuck in a very small town due to a job transfer, and there are no support groups here. Sure, no one on the Internet can physically hold my hand and comfort me, but it can come pretty darned close. Everyone here has lived it, and has great insight to share.
Just remember that you can't change an Ns behavior. They have a sickness. But YOU are okay. You've done nothing wrong, and certainly did nothing to deserve it. Don't ever blame yourself. As others have said, your healing has already begun. Keep posting here. You have friends here who CARE.
Kathy
-
Just Kathy
Thank you, I am crying so hard and I can t seem to sit in one spot. I ache all over, it feels like my body wants to be sick or give out. I talked to my mother today, long distance and all she said was that I let them in. To go church and not ask for money. What the hell. I am looking at living on street and she wants me to go to church and not to call her again unless I have been to church. MY my, is that ever astonishing, so cold and yet so warm. Is this where this started, the only place in my life right now is here where I get some understanding. Thank you, so much. My eyes are swollen from crying and my head is too.
farfaraway
-
Dear Farfaraway
Life is SO hard. My heart goes out to you.My life is out of control, too. I just call on God, talk to Him and pray.That is all I know to do besides share with people who care.
Let's hold hands! I know that I need one. Love Ami
-
Dear Farfaraway
Life is SO hard. My heart goes out to you.My life is out of control, too. I just call on God, talk to Him and pray.That is all I know to do besides share with people who care.
Let's hold hands! I know that I need one. Love Ami
Beside crying that is what I do, pray. I am holding your hand too, can you feel it Ami, I am so sorry that your life is out of control too. I thank you so much for sharing with me, sitting beside me caring. Hugs Ami, and Love too.
Farfaraway
-
Hi Far,
Any better? I hope you did get some sleep.
As to online help...I know at times the kindnesses I received here helped me literally to start rebuilding myself, and two years later, this is where I turn when there is nowhere else to unburden my hurts.
Usually, that's because it's night-time, or I'm too tired or weary or whatever to go connect with other 3-D people (as I'm always preaching we should do...)
But in the time I've been here, I've found other 3-D places and people to complement the growth and learning here...and it really does feel important to me. That's why I advise it so strongly.
For me, there are times when there's just too much pain. And I am afraid, when I begin to isolate myself, and have nothing regular that connects me with others in some kind of hopeful context, that I'll slide into despair.
It really is hard to pull yourself out of it alone. I'm glad we can be "here" with you...and I still hope you'll find help in the 3-D world too.
You sound so overwhelmed.
Hops
-
Hi Far,
Any better? I hope you did get some sleep.
As to online help...I know at times the kindnesses I received here helped me literally to start rebuilding myself, and two years later, this is where I turn when there is nowhere else to unburden my hurts.
Usually, that's because it's night-time, or I'm too tired or weary or whatever to go connect with other 3-D people (as I'm always preaching we should do...)
But in the time I've been here, I've found other 3-D places and people to complement the growth and learning here...and it really does feel important to me. That's why I advise it so strongly.
For me, there are times when there's just too much pain. And I am afraid, when I begin to isolate myself, and have nothing regular that connects me with others in some kind of hopeful context, that I'll slide into despair.
It really is hard to pull yourself out of it alone. I'm glad we can be "here" with you...and I still hope you'll find help in the 3-D world too.
You sound so overwhelmed.
Hops
Yes, i am overwhelmed. Just is the way I am right I am in grief I have had to give my best friend my Saint Bernard away, she protected me. My mother demands that I go to church, before I call her again...I get the gut feeling that she hasn't been listening to me all these years, that I am to blame. My son in law keeps sending me awful email, even tho I have blocked him, I don t know how much more harassment I can go through, my best friend just left me high and dry and came to the house with cops, all the while telling me it wasn t her idea, the one who smiled when she broke our promise, I have had racist people judging me, everything is a mess, I do not know if I am coming or going. I love the kindness, Hopalong...I think it is keeping me going, I got a little bit of sleep. Thanks for asking, I do wish that my friends were back from summer vacation...they are all I have in my world over here, but not at home. I feel lonely, abandoned and voiceless, and emotionally drained. I do isolate too it is a safe place for me.
farfaraway
-
Hello farfaraway
I'm sorry for your trials these days. They are what we have to work through in our own way, in our own time, being honest to ourselves and true to ourselves. Having this forum is great for venting troubles, worries, gains and losses, backsliding, moves forward. It isn't any easy trip but you will make it.
I sometimes think I will never be without some negative thoughts but right now is 4 months to the day that, in my w'chair on a sidewalk, a car backed out the driveway & struck my chair toppling me and I landed on my left hip breaking the thigh bone and a corner from my hip. The physical pain was next to unbearable. I live alone so people come in to help, paid for by the driver's insurance. I haven't been on the board all that much I think because right now it is all me, and lack of sleep, and pain, and therapy, and pain and stretches and pain and constipation and pain. I've just decided it isn't any fun anymore, or at all!
If I'm not in bed trying to sleep, where the pain is worse, I am sitting at the computer lost in my other world. One being reading about/watching videos on, conspiracy theories.
JFKs assassination
Moon landing,
RFK's Assassination
Deaths of Dorothy Kilgallen and Marilyn Monroe
9-11
and the talk of the North American Union, New World Order, One World Government, FEMA camps and coffins
I am just making myself aware, but some of it might be sinking in too much.
I can live but one day at a time and can fix nothing but me.
All I can offer at this time are a couple of truths? that I came across yesterday in videos.
What is your take on....?
The foundation of all mental illness is the avoidance of legitimate suffering?--Carl Jung
and--
Letting go is the measure of ability, survivability, adaptability and flexability (He might have said adaptivity-----? but I changed it)
For me,#1 is that from when I was very young, I didn't feel my feelings and suffer them through---then (leading to #2) let them go and move on
--then I was "blindsided by a car" and am feeling sorry for myself for the (I think) first time and am not ashamed to say it! So in this instance, using physical suffering, I will see it through, and then move on again, and perhaps my bones and I will be all the stronger for it.
My general advice is for we who have suffered (legitimitely or unconciously), to have No Contact with anyone who is Narcissistic, or toxic, at any level. And to do that we must watch our boundaries and assert ourselves. I wish I knew that when I was a little girl, and onward, only to find out in my old age that it works for me, and realized that there were some things I did right all along, not even knowing it.
So suffer it (think it) through, understand why it is happening, stop it from happening, and let it go (but it takes longer than just writing it down).
(((((((((((((())))))))))))))Izzy
-
The foundation of all mental illness is the avoidance of legitimate suffering?--Carl Jung
and--
Letting go is the measure of ability, survivability, adaptability and flexability (He might have said adaptivity-----? but I changed it)
Izzy,
Wow! That amazes me, all I can say about the first quote is, Carl Jung is right on! Those that reach so far outside of themselves do not become aware of what is going on inside of them, well that is my take on it. The one thing I can say is that, the truth inside of me that told me from the gut that these people, like my MOM, Daughter, Son In Law, Ex Husband, Mother In Law, Best Friends all deceived and all we corrupt. But, that a little voice inside told me not to listen to me, that it is me who is the crazy one. The Crazy in me, was all that...I did NOT want to be right, so I game the N's in my life chance after chance to prove myself wrong, after all it must have been me. By doing so I cause myself to mentally ill, personified by the "victim me" or "scapegoat" for a very long time. I know that this sounds like in my head, but I have connected my heart and head to this, idea. To sum it up, I abandoned me, to search for acceptance, love through other people, people I wanted to trust cause they were all I had, but they were outside of me. In order to do it, by virtue of fitting in somewhere, or belonging I didn't listen to my gut, it was all outside of me. Does this make sense at all? My mentality kept me in the dark, but my feeling center was telling me that these people were wrong for me, and I did not Listen. So today, the reality is my coming to terms with what I felt all along, these people were dangerous, toxic and in some weird way my lead me to open my eyes and heart what was inside and feel the whole painful truth.
The next quote;
Letting go is the measure of ability, survivability, adaptability and [flexability] (He might have said adaptivity-----? but I changed it)
Yes, is all this pain, guilt and denial of self worth it? LOL, it kind of reminds me of that old saying, " I know it hurts dear, but it is good for you in end." Well it is true. Only can we let go if we go inside of our self and recognize what part of it that is ours. I am not speaking professionally as a counselor, this is what I am learning in the past few weeks of my life, my experience. I had to get hit, over and over again in a short time kinda like a warrior getting hit by arrows, and he is dodging them, some pierce his skin, the flesh is oozing with blood in different places, head to toe. That is me, I have the ability to survive this war against me, but first I need to become my own defense! Truly, that is all I got, but did I? How could I defend myself? It was through, that one single moment as a child that said to herself, I Love...Life, I want to live! It was that dream, I abandoned myself, my gut, my instinct and it cost me. And so I adapted, by alienating me, telling myself I deserved every minute of that destruction, I was worthless, the more I learned the more I turned it against me, I kept not listening to my inner voice, I DID NOT LET GO. I assume a false exterior, like a chameleon? But I felt all the pain, like a sponge I absorbed it all, all the while believing that these people knew best, it was for my own good. Today, from my heart to head, we reunite and I have my eyes opened finally. Now I think I can truly heal, I will not be ashamed of way of doing things, I will listen to my gut, I will not fear the pain, I will listen to my abilities, I will survive this, I will adapt to my new way of thinking, and if I stumble or fall along the way, I will go inside and find what I missed, there is no shame in that, I am WORTH it!
Good words, now I have to challenge myself to listen to them. The bottom line, should read...to be KIND to yourself always, like the little girl in me...Do it with all the Love in your heart. It is the struggle that made me see, it is the pain that watered down my eyes, and cleared the haze so that I had a clean windshield and then I could see clearly again. I went on and on, this is a refreshing change, to put this question to me. It is a good way to heal and share. I am taking a risk, so be gentle with me.
Farfaraway and Thank YOU
-
The foundation of all mental illness is the avoidance of legitimate suffering?--Carl Jung
and--
Letting go is the measure of ability, survivability, adaptability and flexability (He might have said adaptivity-----? but I changed it)
Izzy,
Wow! That amazes me, all I can say about the first quote is, Carl Jung is right on! Those that reach so far outside of themselves do not become aware of what is going on inside of them, well that is my take on it. The one thing I can say is that, the truth inside of me that told me from the gut that these people, like my MOM, Daughter, Son In Law, Ex Husband, Mother In Law, Best Friends all deceived and all we corrupt. But, that a little voice inside told me not to listen to me, that it is me who is the crazy one. The Crazy in me, was all that...I did NOT want to be right, so I game the N's in my life chance after chance to prove myself wrong, after all it must have been me. By doing so I cause myself to mentally ill, personified by the "victim me" or "scapegoat" for a very long time. I know that this sounds like in my head, but I have connected my heart and head to this, idea. To sum it up, I abandoned me, to search for acceptance, love through other people, people I wanted to trust cause they were all I had, but they were outside of me. In order to do it, by virtue of fitting in somewhere, or belonging I didn't listen to my gut, it was all outside of me. Does this make sense at all? My mentality kept me in the dark, but my feeling center was telling me that these people were wrong for me, and I did not Listen. So today, the reality is my coming to terms with what I felt all along, these people were dangerous, toxic and in some weird way my lead me to open my eyes and heart what was inside and feel the whole painful truth.
The next quote;
Letting go is the measure of ability, survivability, adaptability and [flexability] (He might have said adaptivity-----? but I changed it)
Yes, is all this pain, guilt and denial of self worth it? LOL, it kind of reminds me of that old saying, " I know it hurts dear, but it is good for you in end." Well it is true. Only can we let go if we go inside of our self and recognize what part of it that is ours. I am not speaking professionally as a counselor, this is what I am learning in the past few weeks of my life, my experience. I had to get hit, over and over again in a short time kinda like a warrior getting hit by arrows, and he is dodging them, some pierce his skin, the flesh is oozing with blood in different places, head to toe. That is me, I have the ability to survive this war against me, but first I need to become my own defense! Truly, that is all I got, but did I? How could I defend myself? It was through, that one single moment as a child that said to herself, I Love...Life, I want to live! It was that dream, I abandoned myself, my gut, my instinct and it cost me. And so I adapted, by alienating me, telling myself I deserved every minute of that destruction, I was worthless, the more I learned the more I turned it against me, I kept not listening to my inner voice, I DID NOT LET GO. I assume a false exterior, like a chameleon? But I felt all the pain, like a sponge I absorbed it all, all the while believing that these people knew best, it was for my own good. Today, from my heart to head, we reunite and I have my eyes opened finally. Now I think I can truly heal, I will not be ashamed of way of doing things, I will listen to my gut, I will not fear the pain, I will listen to my abilities, I will survive this, I will adapt to my new way of thinking, and if I stumble or fall along the way, I will go inside and find what I missed, there is no shame in that, I am WORTH it!
Good words, now I have to challenge myself to listen to them. The bottom line, should read...to be KIND to yourself always, like the little girl in me...Do it with all the Love in your heart. It is the struggle that made me see, it is the pain that watered down my eyes, and cleared the haze so that I had a clean windshield and then I could see clearly again. I went on and on, this is a refreshing change, to put this question to me. It is a good way to heal and share. I am taking a risk, so be gentle with me.
Farfaraway and Thank YOU
Farfaraway, I have been trying to say the things you did, in the last few days but I could not put words to them.
You expressed what happened to me. *I* was made to feel crazy so my NM, a therapist, could look sane. My parents conspired to make the whole family crazy except my M who WAS the crazy one.
I could not face how my family demeaned me. I could not face that they didn't love me so my life went to self destruction.
I married my M in my H. His attitude is demeaning, even if he clothes it in "caring"
My M clothed it in "caring" too. That is what confuses you so much and makes you think it must be you who is rotten and bad to the core.
The N's project ALL their hated parts on you. I believed every last one except there was a part in me that didn't. My GM loved me and gave me a part that did love myself ,even though it was buried.
I think we are on the same path to unburying that person within. I am so glad you are on the Board, Farfaraway. Hugs, Ami
-
Ami,
I think we are too! This pain is worth it, it lets us know that we are getting comfortable with our selves! I am so glad we met here Ami, I did pray with you. I am so glad that your voice is getting heard too! It is so validating, I was afraid to share about the little voice, but I did and it does good. I would not have reached out so much, but I allowed myself to put it all down. I think were going on a journey here, and it is a good one. It reminds of a little saying, I will share with you, its old.
"God grant me the SERENITY to accept the things I cannot change COURAGE to change the things I can, and THE WISDOM to know the difference."
This has new meaning to me today! LOL, Love and Hugs Ami and Izzy\
P.S. I think the connection is the heart to the mind, the body and emotion connection tells us to connect it all together.
-
Oh you are welcome farfaraway---
----and I'm happy that I read you 'right' and sensed those quotes would fit. Imagine! I often don't have the words to describe, as you just did but your first paragraph is me all over again. I was always wrong, laughed at, the scapegoat, the black sheep---in my mind anyway, while both parents and 4 siblings were always right. After all the years of therapy, on and off, as it's expensive and no one ever nailing it, I did my own analysis until I had an answer. I was dissociated. I didn't suffer my pain since I thought I deserved it.
No more. It's NC that brings peace to me.
Letting go was easier in some areas, and now I live 2000 miles away from family, making it easier still, while meeting new people. I stopped being a person who "just put up with it because I was wrong anyway" to asserting myself and saying "No" and that's the only way they have known me.
Yes you are worth it---we all are and must believe it!!
See Ns are mentally ill, I'm sure, are generally miserable but won't face it, can't face it and they suffer for it and will never know why!
--so I suppose that is illegitimate suffering, unconsciously suffering.
xx
Izzy
-
Yes! This is awesomeness, it is sunny but even if it was raining the sunshine would overcome the rain or a gloomy day. I take that breath of fresh air an breath deep embracing all that is today! Thank you all for being so supportive and understanding. Izzy you did read me right, and Ami and Hops and everyone of you.
Hugs and Love
Farfaraway
-
My son in law keeps sending me awful email, even tho I have blocked him,
When my N SIL starting harassing me, it was through email. I blocked her, and she created a new email address. Blocked her again. Then she started sending "gifts," like a birthday present saying that a pig had been donated to a third world country in my name, with the message, "a pig from a pig." I didn't click on the link to accept the "gift" as I knew she would be notified. I let her beilieve that it was deleted or ignored. It took a while, but she finally gave up on the email harassment.
That said, I recently found out that she has been monitoring my online activity. I found out when I opened a Twitter account, and within hours she had signed up as a "follower." I had used an alias on Twitter, so there was NO way that she stumbled across me. I realized at that moment that she had been running regular searches, probably for years. I'm not trying to scare you . . . just letting you so so you can protect yourself from further harassment. When an N gets blocked from email, they look for other ways to track you. I changed my user ID on this board because it was the same ID as my Twitter name, and also my email address. Never use the same ID twice. Make sure that you can't be found, because he's probably looking. With all that you're going through, you don't need an Internet stalker on top of it, so covering your tracks, so to speak, might give you some extra peace of mind.
Thinking of you, and hoping that things get better soon . . .
Kathy
-
Kathy,
Thank you so much for that information, cause we (me and my kids) could not figure out he just happened to send it which had us all wondering. Thank you so much.
Farfaraway
-
My son in law keeps sending me awful email, even tho I have blocked him,
I changed my user ID on this board because it was the same ID as my Twitter name, and also my email address. Never use the same ID twice. Make sure that you can't be found, because he's probably looking. With all that you're going through, you don't need an Internet stalker on top of it, so covering your tracks, so to speak, might give you some extra peace of mind.
Kathy
How do you change your user ID and keep all your contacts intact, my IP address stays the same...I do not know what to do, I am a nerd when it comes to computer stuff. Thanks Kathy, I like the suggestion about never using the the same ID twice.
Farfaraway
-
On this board, I changed the ID by clicking on my name (which is a hyperlink). That took me into my profile area where I could change my user name. Some boards don't have that feature. I was posting on another board for chronic pain (that I REALLY didn't want SIL to find). That board didn't have the option of changing, so I had to close the account and open a new one. I'm not too computer literate either, but it seemed pretty easy on this board.