Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival => Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board => Topic started by: Dawning on September 27, 2004, 07:41:26 AM
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Has anyone *acted out* their pain and frustration as a result of being rendered voiceless?
In my case, I acted out when I could not get my needs met as a child. As I came into contact over the course of life with *normal* people, I didn't know how to express my *normal* needs and I suppose people thought I didn't have them. Then, inevitably, something would happen that would make me angry (because I wasn't getting my needs met) and I would again *act out* the frustration. And/or I would attract similar people to me and it was just a never-ending drama scene. I am pulling back from those types of people now. Letting in the healing powers and being honest about what my needs are and listening to others share theirs.
I would be interested to hear how board members have acted out. Not necessarily in the area of unmet needs but in any way.
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As a child I knocked over chairs and slammed doors and threw things but not at people.
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I still act out when I'm in a fragile state. Tantrums - slamming doors, screaming, hysteria. This only happens a couple of times a year. It used to be every week at least. Medication really diminished it. Acting out isn't a good idea within a marriage. I wanted it to stop.
thanks for bringing up the topic.
bunny
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Hi Dawning,
All the nonNs in my family sandbag. Then bam! one day it all comes out.
I would also convince myself that I "didn't need" whatever it was, because that's how I was programmed. "Don't want, don't need". I have an extremely hard time spending money on myself, although I am generous with others.
These days, due to more awareness of this programming, I really act out whenever anyone, esp. my poor H, says anything that remotely suggests that I need to justify my existence, anything that sounds like "what did you do for ME today?" :( I'm really FED UP with that. (I am middleaged, hear me roar!)
Good topic, thanks. Seeker
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Maybe I felt I didn’t have a voice at all at the time. Maybe that’s an excuse. But I used to “love the sound of breaking glass” as the song went. I don’t know why I did it. But the crashing splintering was a kind of release. I guess it changed whatever people were doing. Stopped whatever was happening. Didn't do it too often.
I’ve slept with men just because they wanted to sleep with me (I had no idea whether I liked them or not, them just paying me attention was enough for me). It’s all acting out.
Yeah, drama scenes. I picked up ‘women who love too much’ at the weekend (as recommended many times on this board) and see my past self there. Mistaking obsession for love, treating any relationship like a drug, being on a high of suffering/ecstasy and being ‘bored’ with good, dependable, human men. So many women do it. It’s almost acceptable. It’s difficult coming to terms with the idea of suffering being bad. I definitely feel like I have to earn the right to be happy.
I think so much of what we do – where we live, our work, our relationships…it’s all acting out. It’s all we know - until we find out there really are other options. Then the prospect of real freedom is terrifying, to me. Best D, Portia
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I agree with Portia that much of what we do is acting out. I think the difficulty is in recognizing that it's acting out when it's occurring.
Like I know now that I went through a time in my early twenties when I was acting out against my Nmother's perception of me as a bad person (for going out into the world and finding new relationships.) My thinking went along the lines of "If you think THAT'S bad, I'll show you BAD." But that only lasted about a year.
After I had proved that I could be bad, I did a turnaround and tried to be the perfect wife and the perfect mother. Well, maybe not the perfect wife so much, but definitely perfect motherhood. But I didn't realize that was also acting out in the sense that I wanted to be a better mother than my mother had been, more understanding,more loving, more generous. "SEE Mom, THIS is how a mother should be." That didn't work out too well either. The husband bailed, and I think I confused the heck out of my kids. Thankfully they seem to have survived, for the most part.
And now my new thing, if I'm recognizing it correctly, is trying to prove that I don't need any of the things my Nmother values. No big house, no "real" furniture; dead-end job, no problem. It's all still acting out and I'd like to stop. But it's less risky to succeed at underachieving than it would be to fail at succeeding. Or something like that. I'm succeeding in giving myself a headache.
Singer
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Hi there Dawning...
I acted out tons as a child, particularly in school.
As I got older I stopped acting out in school but it was replaced with withdrawal and an anxiety disorder.
Though, I acted out again when even older (20’s)in a long term relationship I was in (over 12 years ago) with fits of anger, throwing things, sulking, silent treatment, being completely unreasonable, extreme moodiness… The relationship brought out all the meat of my childhood stuff...
I believe I did so because I felt helpless, voiceless, worthless, and hopeless for any change.
Thank god… I have remained friends with this person all these years, and when I came into deeper awareness, was able to sit him down, and in tears of pain (because I felt soooo bad) apologize for everything, naming specific wrongs I did, in detail, and explaining where I felt it all came from.. Very healing for us both & changed my life for the best (I would have always felt so, so bad about this).
Nowadays, what I have to fight not to act out (become overly angry) about, is when I feel disrespected, as this is a voicelessness issue for me. The feeling of being disrespected taps in to all kinds of things for me, like being judged as unintelligent, worthless, misfit… which I relate to “invisible” and voiceless. I also know though, that I am much too sensitive to this issue, and see some things with skewed perception, and more personalized, where they are not. I guess this is the usual way it goes with deep seated issues.
These times are becoming less as I continue to work on myself, but they still do happen, no doubt about it.
I can also relate to people not being tuned into my needs, because I never voiced them. I wasn’t used to it. I would see to it that the conversation & energy would always focus on other people. I was hurt that people were not there for me when I needed them, but it was completely because I had never set it up that way. I’d never presented as someone who had needs!
I’ve changed that somewhat, but only over about the last 3 or so years. I can voice needs and ask for support fairly comfortably (and it’s wonderful), but in the offline world, I still need to have more balance between self-disclosure and talking about other’s lives.
BT
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Hi Singer
trying to prove that I don't need any of the things my Nmother values. No big house, no "real" furniture; dead-end job, no problem. It's all still acting out and I'd like to stop. But it's less risky to succeed at underachieving than it would be to fail at succeeding. Or something like that. I'm succeeding in giving myself a headache.
Trying to prove anything, not for ourselves but to another person, won’t ever be success will it? Success is doing what we want to do?
Big house = big upkeep costs, big stress.
Real furniture (? antiques? New stuff?) = not meant for sitting on, using, just objects that outlive the owner.
Dead-end job? Will it give you a heart attack? Many super-achieving jobs do. *Dead*-end!
No problem. Problem is: knowing what makes us happy, identifying and having what we want. Like time to think. Time to watch the weather come and go. Precious stuff.
Succeeding at underachieving – like it! Can I join the club? There must be one on the net somewhere. The Underachievers. :D
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Problem is: knowing what makes us happy, identifying and having what we want.
Well, on the surface it looks pretty basic. In order to get what you want, it's necessary to be able to identify what you want. But not so simple if, from the earliest age, you've been told just what is permissible to want and what isn't. In my family no one questioned my mother's values unless they were prepared for all hell to break loose. When I happened to discover, around 1966 or so, that diet root beer made a great breakfast beverage you'd think I had singlehandedly set society on the road to ruin. Maybe I did. Things got kind of strange for awhile after that.
But in order to get what you wanted, you had to cover up. So here I am at the advanced age of...well, at an advanced age, still covering up. I never thought about it that way, but I do have time to think because I'm an underachiever. On the plus side, I always wanted rooms full of books, up to the ceiling, and now I've discovered that not only can I have them, but those nice folks at the library are even willing to store, catalog, and dust them for me.
Singer
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Singer,
I like the books up to the ceiling visual. I could sit and read all day.
In my estimation it is better to be a good person than to be a super achiever. And what's wrong with a contemplative life? Time to look at the afternoon sun, read, turn down the noise of the world. I think we've been sold a bill of goods with this hustle, bustle money making way of life that's turned us all into modern slaves and mass consumers. Since you like to read, try a book by that Wyoming country lawyer, Gerry Spence, called "Give Me Liberty". You may decide being an underachiever is a good thing!
MM
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Ah MM, I'm glad to see that you still enjoy that afternoon sun and happy to see that you haven't left the board completely. I consider you one of my midwives -pulling me out into the light!
Les
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Hi Les,
Sorry to be off thread a minute here. I've been enjoying your discourse with OM re the "old dolls" of yours. Even though I know it's painful to deal with these old gals, I did have to laugh at your Mom's comments about menopause and such. Your beauty queen is a piece of work!!!!!!!!
Singer, I learned to be very sneaky. I felt that I had to hide too...not too fun. But I got good at it. That was a behavior that I had to let go go of since it doesn't serve me well as an adult. I still struggle with it though.
MM
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Good morning everyone,
I guess being sneaky, covering up, etc are part of being voicelessness, disappearing. My H says I keep my cards pretty close to my vest. I think I've told you all more than I've told anyone in my life! Staying OFF the radar is definitely part of surviving an N.
Peace, Seeker
PS I would love to have my own personal library too!! :D
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Wasn’t this good? Dr Grossman wrote it ages ago.
I write this because I want to encourage people to keep posting. As you know not everyone on this board will agree or even hear. There will be arguments, fights--and panic when the person/people you want most to listen, can’t or won’t.
But if you keep at it, honestly, genuinely, and vulnerably, you will find your way into, at least, some of the hearts on this board (mine included), and you will be a little less alone.
Allowing myself to be vulnerable is a difficult, serious, tough thing to do. Hard work. Those words from Dr Grossman helped me a lot. Being vulnerable is okay. Especially here. :)
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My acting out happened on the inside, literally -- stomach aches, panic attacks, hives, palpitations, high BP, nervousness, like Seeker's "holding my cards close to my chest," always watching my back, learned responses from the abuse of an Nparent. Ah, to relax, it takes concerted efforts to relax, and it should be natural.
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So here I am at the advanced age of...well, at an advanced age, still covering up. I never thought about it that way, but I do have time to think because I'm an underachiever. On the plus side, I always wanted rooms full of books, up to the ceiling, and now I've discovered that not only can I have them, but those nice folks at the library are even willing to store, catalog, and dust them for me.
I practically live in libraries. One reason I like my underachieving job is the access to libraries. A former therp. suggested that libraries are my maternal caregivers. I love being anonymous in a library. And I sure love library sales.
bunny
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It would take a lobotomy to remove the sneaky part of my brain, and even then I'm pretty sure it would grow back. I even find myself sneaking to the bathroom at work. I don't throw things in the company wastebasket; I take my mistakes home with me and dispose of them in the apartment dumpster after dark. Ok, sometimes I do it in broad daylight, I'm not really that far gone.
I love being anonymous in a library.
I can relate to that. The library was, and happily still is, the one place where everyone minds their own business. Mine is a sanctuary only lacking a bell tower and the Hunchback of Notre Dame. Actually only lacking a bell tower, now that I think about it. After awhile I think you figure out that acting-out isn't going to work. It just gives them a better target. My nmother talks about how, when I was around 4 years old, she taught me to put my clothes in the hamper by taping my used underwear to the living room wall when I left in on the floor. Then in the next breath she'll say "You were such a shy and self-conscious child. I don't know where you got it from." I think I'm ready for my lobotomy now.
Singer
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I grew up being invisable, I was told children are seen but not heard. As a child I took that literally!!! As an adult I did too but when my needs were'nt being met I acted out in many ways. At 20 through 25 years I was still the invisable child, at 30 through 39 I was the grown up that forgot that she was and I have acted out with going as far as losing a (stupid job) that I had had for almost 7 years because they took advantage of my good nature. I am a workacholic, not great with a checking account ( but learning), and I am scared of everything ( but I have been working on that). Between 40-41 I have learned to not act out and try and listen and speak up when I want my needs met. Ask questions, don't stress my self out because this has all been normal for so long that my mind and body think it's normal (acting out). I have got a new job I have had for over 6 months and since I got to have a clean slate I thought I would try what I have been saying and learning and you know what it works. I have made many friends at my new job, I don't let people walk all over me, I speak up for myself, I listen to others when they have a problem or are just sharing, I don't always have to be the one with the "problems", I am the person everyone comes to for answers. This is progress and still I feel at times of acting out but I am learning still that acting out is not normal it is a choice and I control how I am feeling, getting needs met, spending money, I make the choices and live with them. Acting out only makes things worse. lesson learned! It is a work in progress but I feel on top of the world most days! kelly
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BT wrote:
Thank god… I have remained friends with this person all these years, and when I came into deeper awareness, was able to sit him down, and in tears of pain (because I felt soooo bad) apologize for everything, naming specific wrongs I did, in detail, and explaining where I felt it all came from.. Very healing for us both & changed my life for the best (I would have always felt so, so bad about this).
I understand where you are coming from. I want to send an email to my ex-partner (who now is married and lives in Europe) to explain where my *acting out* all came from and apologize for any pain I may have caused. It sounds like it helped you.
Does anyone on the board have any comments as to whether sending him an email would be a good idea or not? I've written it but I haven't sent it - because quite a bit of time has elapsed - and I don't want him to think that I am *dumping* on him.
kelly wrote:
Between 40-41 I have learned to not act out and try and listen and speak up when I want my needs met. Ask questions, don't stress my self out because this has all been normal for so long that my mind and body think it's normal (acting out). I have got a new job I have had for over 6 months and since I got to have a clean slate I thought I would try what I have been saying and learning and you know what it works. I have made many friends at my new job, I don't let people walk all over me, I speak up for myself, I listen to others when they have a problem or are just sharing, I don't always have to be the one with the "problems", I am the person everyone comes to for answers. This is progress and still I feel at times of acting out but I am learning still that acting out is not normal it is a choice and I control how I am feeling, getting needs met, spending money, I make the choices and live with them. Acting out only makes things worse. lesson learned! It is a work in progress but I feel on top of the world most days!
kelly, kelly, kelly!!! :D :D :D Thanks for this message and all its positivity. :D
Thank you to everyone who has replied so far. The part about liking libraries was truly insightful and I will reply in more detail a bit later.
Btw, I have started taking some *method* acting workshops with a small group of people. This is a very good outlet for my energy. I just wish I could take them everyday as they are very therapeutic as well as creative. The next set of workshops begins in the middle of this month. I am SO looking forward to them.
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I understand where you are coming from. I want to send an email to my ex-partner (who now is married and lives in Europe) to explain where my *acting out* all came from and apologize for any pain I may have caused. It sounds like it helped you.
Does anyone on the board have any comments as to whether sending him an email would be a good idea or not? I've written it but I haven't sent it - because quite a bit of time has elapsed - and I don't want him to think that I am *dumping* on him.
It's only right to make amends when it won't disturb the other person. If you think his wife wouldn't mind, if it's in his highest interests and that of his family, then send it. If it's mainly to make you feel better, then don't send it. I have found that apologizing by thought, when it's not appropriate to contact someone, seems okay. I think they get the message.
bunny
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I can also relate to everyone who mentioned feeling safe/sanctuary & peaceful anonymity in libraries.
I understand where you are coming from. I want to send an email to my ex-partner (who now is married and lives in Europe) to explain where my *acting out* all came from and apologize for any pain I may have caused. It sounds like it helped you.
Does anyone on the board have any comments as to whether sending him an email would be a good idea or not? I've written it but I haven't sent it - because quite a bit of time has elapsed - and I don't want him to think that I am *dumping* on him.
Hiya Dawning….
I had the this feeling of deep guilt, shame, sadness, regret around the issue, that I couldn't shake... Don't know about you... I just couldn't bear the thought that I could have hurt someone emotionally, so much like that...
Because we were quite young (24) I was terrified that I'd changed who he was as a person.... by my behavior.
Particularly after experiencing a relationship with someone with strong N traits, where I was on the receiving end of unfair behavior (I know how terribly confusing, and hurtful it was), I am glad beyond words that I was able to do that with the person I used to date before X-N.
Even if I apologized, I still wondered if the relationship with X-N wasn't a bit of karma coming back to bite me! Really, I think I was playing out both sides of a coin. The aggressive one with the first relationship, and then the passive one with X-N.
Now, I'm hopefully (I think so) ready for a good balance!
It was an easy decision for me because we have lived near one another for years, and still see and talk to one another quite a bit. Knowing his mindset and what was going on in his life, I knew I could say what I wanted to, and it would be a positive thing for us both. I also knew there was no woman in his life at the time, so it wouldn’t be something I had to consider either. If we’d been estranged with zero contact for a long time, I think I would be wondering, just like you.
I would be thinking two things could happen... That he would so greatly appreciate it, and be so glad for the healing words, or he hadn’t really given the whole thing much thought, moved on with his life, and was a bit surprised to hear from you with your perspective, and apology on things…
The latter is not really a “bad” thing, hoping that he would at least be cordial in his reply. I suppose it depends on the kind of person he is emotionally.
The best thing I can think to say on this one, is to think deeply on it, and go with your gut. You know best exactly what went on during the relationship, what your rapport was like with him when things ended (cordial, hostile, open, closed, etc.), and what kind of person he is in general. You might not even get a feeling either way until you actually write the e-mail & see the content (you can always not send it).
I do strongly favor the idea of any kind of healing communication, and I tend to think that people almost always deeply appreciate something with genuine kind, and loving (non romantic of course in this case) energy behind it, but there are some times too, when a person is blinded by their unawareness, and their own negative energy overshadows the good intent of the other.
Again, I’d say trust your instincts on this one.
If it happens that you don’t send it, I really liked & believe in what Bunny said. I think a strong, willful thought takes on a energy form that is indeed felt by the other person.
If you do send it & feel like updating, it would be great to know how it went. I hope it could be a great, positive, and healing thing for your both. That would be so wonderful.
Good luck :)
BT
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Because we were quite young (24) I was terrified that I'd changed who he was as a person.... by my behavior.
I seriously doubt that you could change him as a person at age 24. But it seems like a good thing to make amends to him in the way you did.
I had a chance to see my high school boyfriend as an adult. In high school we had a very painful, dysfunctional romance. But we treated that as water under the bridge. I think people can realize that youthful behavior was just immature.
bunny
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Hi Bunny,
Yessss... thankfully, you are right... He is fine, and confident & strong these days! :D :D
Though I think there is a dif. between immaturity, and ongoing emotional abuse, which shamefully, I think my continuous explosive acting out and emotional manipulation constituted. :( :(
I kept thinking about Dr. Phil, and what he often says in his relationship series about how you change who someone is when you treat them a certain way.
I think even as adults, we can do that. I think of how women (and men) in abusive relationships are widdled down to nothing esteem wise, identity wise... They are changed, even as adults, by an ongoing abusive situations...
But I think you are right, that it is much more difficult to do, and happens less often as adults, than in formative years with a parent, where it can happen in an instant and make a much more profound change in that time...
I also think the base has to come from somewhere (childhood) or we'd have none of it from someone, as adults...
So, I guess the change first happens in childhood many times...
BT
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Though I think there is a dif. between immaturity, and ongoing emotional abuse, which shamefully, I think my continuous explosive acting out and emotional manipulation constituted. :( :(
Well, he stayed in the relationship while this was happening. I suppose he had some choice in the matter. Relationships are a two-way street. Usually the acting-out person is expressing the "victim's" repressed hostility and aggression as well as their own. So they serve an important purpose for the "victim" partner.
I kept thinking about Dr. Phil, and what he often says in his relationship series about how you change who someone is when you treat them a certain way.
Yes, people do condition each other in relationships. But it's not equivalent to the conditioning we received a long time ago.
bunny
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I'm 56 and still trying to understand what goes on inside sometimes. The cycle that repeats iteslf. Seems like from the moment I meet up with my N g/f, or ex as it stands now, I feel like I'm 7 again. Back then I don't recall thinking gosh i could use a hug, or some encouragement, well, maybe some acknowledgement. Maybe that's the deal. Just thought of that. Anyway, as soon as the conversation begins I feel myself slip into a mode of brooding and self-pity, because I can tell that once again it's going to be all about her. Whether it enters my mind or not, in the background sits all the past discouragement, frustration, loneliness..wanting her so much and yet knowing the truth, that I will only be with her on her terms, in her time, and for her gratification. So I do the only thing i can do so as not to invoke a fight..I brood. And hate myself, just seethe inside because I dont' have the spine to go and find reciprocal love. I get still more angry at the idea that I should take all the love I hae to give, and give it to myselt, because I am the only one who can love me in that way..rather than expect someone else to love me as I would want to be loved. So I brood on, or get on my motorbike and ride insanely. Or fantasize about whether the grocery clerk would love me, and might i be happy THEN? But I guess the biggest acting out has happened slowly over the last couple of years..by sitting here, watching my life fall apart, and not having the will to do any damage control. Then again, it's falling apart might be the first step toward putting it together, to work better than it did before. And maybe in the end my needs for validation/affection/nurturing either won't be a big deal, or will be gladly met by someone who really cares. Maybe me.
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I'm way behind in reading the postings lately, but this morning I am trying to figure out why I behave the way I do, sometimes, and I think it might be "acting out" - never thought of it that way before, so here goes :
I seem to have a short-circuit reaction sometimes, and yesterday it happened again. I go from calm and grounded to hysterically angry and self-destructive in a flash, with nothing inbetween. This is what happened, yesterday : my dear kind Husband has bought me a comfy leather chair so I can curl up and read in a room in the house that we are changing into my 'reading room' (there is that library/books/comfort feeling! me too). I happily drew the room on graph paper, cut out all the furniture pieces and arranged them on paper, then showed him. He said it looked great - and when I said that I'd leave it for him to see if he had another idea, and he said 'NO, it looks great just the way you have it' - I exploded. I went from 'content' to 'self-destructive' in a flash. We later tried to figure out what happened, and I guess I wanted him to spend more time looking at it, but I think the biggest thing is that I hate it when the first word I hear after I get the courage to speak is "No".... I go from 'gentle' to 'furious' in a flash. I have never thought of it as 'acting out' but it might be.
I have a feeling that it is a result of my NP's training : as a child, when I did or said anything that did not suit them, which included my facial expressions, the way I ate my food, the way I went to the bathroom - anything, they got angry with me, and the love was completely withdrawn, and I had to try to earn their love again. This happened every day - I had to earn their love fresh every morning, and most of the time, by just being 'me', I didn't earn it. Since I never learned any 'coping mechanisms' I always felt that the greatest gift I could give my Nparents would be to rid them of me, to destroy myself. When I would 'act out', they would tranquilize me with their leftover tranqs or spoonsful of brandy, etc, because I was 'bad' . (by the way, I wasn't 'bad', just a moral, intelligent kid just trying to grow up.). I learned to remain invisible and voiceless.
Now, when I attempt to speak and hear the word 'No', I seem to fall back into that old learned pattern of feeling worthless, unloved, and I feel that the only way to make amends is to kill myself, thereby removing the cause of the anger. I have been married for 25 yrs to the kindest man on earth, and he has saved my life a million times, just by never giving up on me, and seeing something in me worth loving.....
I need to change this short-circuit, and I guess it might be a form of acting out. Thank God I know enough to not carry through in my self-destruction, and Thank God I know enough to save myself and understand that I was not the crazy one in the family, even though it feels that way, sometimes. I fought hard to survive cancer a few years ago, and so clearly I have a strong will to live, so this 'acting out' seems to be a short-circuit reaction - I have a hunch that these childhood patterns are somehow etched into my thought process, and even though, intellectually, I know that my reaction is completely inappropriate, I do not seem to have the emotional tools to feel otherwise.
On the positive side, though, since my drs have treated me for 'severe childhood trauma and abuse' at the hands of my NParents, these episodes of mine are less frequent, and quickly pass. I guess I was surprised at my reaction, for I thought that I was past that stage of healing.
I am upset, today, at the lingering damage that was done to me by my NParents,
and I am thankful, today, that I have a dear H who loves me, just the way I am,
and I am also thankful for this group. I guess I have come a long way, but still have a long way to go.
Hugs, all.
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OnlyMe,
What a great insight/epiphany. I hope you can put it into action, i.e., plan what you'll do next time you "go off." I have some big triggers, myself, that I had to work on, because I would overreact and expect my H to be okay with it. He wasn't!
Good work-
bunny
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In my world, you didn't act out. It would earn you a slap across the face.
It was much easier to go to the room, close the door, and get involved in a book. I relate to those who found it easy to go to the Library. It was a safe place, and the parents never barged in there.
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Thankyou Bunny, and Onlyme, for bringing something to mind for me. I've been on a bit of a witch-hunt lately, trying to understand what goes on between myself and my g/f. I have been using the N word to describe what I think I am seeing in her. Looking for a pile of evidence to convict her has led me far from where most of my focus should be..on me. I am the only person I can change or control. And I know that she has a personality that triggers lots of tension fear and shame in ME. So..what's with me? And why do the words trigger so much anger and resentment? And since they do, why do I stick around? I think as a child I learened to react amgrily from my alcoholic father. She had the same kind of experience, only worse I think. So here we have two who are ready to be hurt, and ready to retaliate. I guess what i'm saying is that maybe she's self centered and hot tempered..maybe I am too, and it's about degree, and maybe not so much full on ND. Maybe I should give us another chance, because, as for why I stick around..something inside me is telling me I need to learn the lessons now, or repeat the same stuff with the next person.
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In my world, you didn't act out. It would earn you a slap across the face.
It was much easier to go to the room, close the door, and get involved in a book. I relate to those who found it easy to go to the Library. It was a safe place, and the parents never barged in there.
I only acted out in desperation, when I couldn't stay quiet a moment longer, and the punishment seemed worth it by that point. (How horrible it was for us all.)
and Wow :-) - you have verbalized a piece of my puzzle. The Library was a safe place! Every Saturday, as soon as I was old enough, I would get on a city bus from the suburbs and go downtown alone, to the main library, and lose myself there in floors and floors of books, safe, all day, then haul a huge bag of books home on the bus at the end of the day, so of course, then I'd have to return them the following saturday, and on and on....and I loved it there - and now you have hit the nail on the head as to Why? : It was a safe place and the parents never barged in there!
I was not allowed to 'waste my eyes on fiction' at home, but at least I could read it at the Library!
ps: eventually I started working in a library and books became my career as well - I always knew I loved libraries and books! I buy oodles of them, and even if I never read them all, I just love having them around, like comfortable, safe, old friends.
*bunny~ Thank you - I hear you - I'll get a plan, and actually write it down and put it in my dresser drawer where I can grab it if I ever get that desperately frantic feeling again. God willing, this time was the last, but just in case, I'll have a plan ready. :wink:
Huge thank you for 'being there' today and understanding .... whew.
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Only Me - - - wow, to get on a City Bus to get to the Library. Certainly shows the extent you would go through to get to a safe place (if not by a necessarily safe means!)
Something I also liked about Libraries. The books took me to another world. No wonder you have a career with the library.
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~ We moved to the burbs when I was nine, and as soon as I got my allowance, I felt free! so, yes, a little nine-year old girl getting on a bus and riding for an hour or so, all the way downtown, to get to the library - I am having all sorts of flashbacks today after the Library postings, and so many things are falling into place, now. I was never afraid to head out on my own, ever, for I guess I always felt safer away from the house alone, even downtown, than I did in the house with my NMother - and that is a big 'aha' moment for me, today.
My NDad worked on Sat, and it is interesting, in retrospect, that my NM didn't bat an eye letting me head out on my own - I just had to be home by the time the street lights came on! Hmmm, more flashbacks, thoughts explaining so much of who I am and why, and all healing.....
Like I have said so many times before, I am so thankful for this group.
(eyes puddling, now, but good, healing tears....).
~just got another flashback - I begged to be sent away to boarding school - every year I begged to be sent to any boarding school, even though I didn't know anyone who went to one - I remember reading about a religious one and begging to be sent there.... and it wasn't because we were religious, but I thought is sounded like a safe place..... wouldn't you think that would have been a red flag for someone, anyone, when a little girl begs to be sent away to boarding school, year after year?!!!!!
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That last post was me -
I took too long to 'submit' I guess :roll: