Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival => Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board => Topic started by: Gaining Strength on August 04, 2009, 12:08:00 PM
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I have been thinking of blogging my way out of madness. Honestly, I'm not looking for feedback but I am longing for a place to write. I come here occassionally but my mind is ranging and finding it difficult to dive into the current topics. Some that I care about most are deep and for some reason I am unable at this time to offer the kind of response that such expressions deserve. So I, self-servingly, am going to blog my way whole.
Today I am facing "resistance". I have an opportunity once again to really make some headway and find myself, once again, dragging my feet. Scanning, grazing the internet is an obsession, a diversion that taps into the numbing. But in doing so I bumped into the word "resistance". What we resist, persists.
Oh My - it certainly does. It is time to no longer resist my mess - figurative and literal. Today I am joining in to my mess, embracing it and going with it, becoming one (whatever that might mean.) First I have duties to my two pets. Both need flea help but the stuff is so costly - oh well. Today is pet day and then I move onto the child's room. Just pick up one foot in front of the other.
I am shifting focus from the cause to the outcome. Always underpressure I am able to produce. Time to find a way to make that happen on a more consistent way.
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((((((GS)))))))) Ami
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"What we resist, persists."
This is key...I needed to read that. It amazes me just how much resistance I have and yet the moment that I turn fully into it, facing it, whatever madness is running through me, it evaporates, the resistance that is.
I've learned a trick that I am not very good at, and still have to push myself to; it is when I am feeling toxic I take my thoughts and turn them south...down to my heart...it can be a big ouch, I think to myself no wonder I am in so much resistance and madness there is this pain in me that is beckoning for my attention.
((GS)) - good to hear from you.
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GS - I encourage that blog. I'm always amazed at how those of us who were rendered so voiceless in expression of self as children can as adults be so articulate in our expression of self and life in general.
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Gabben I want to hear more about what you mean by turning your thoughts south...down to your heart.
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Hi GS,
I've spent a lot of my life living in my head, can you relate? My head is a safe place for me. So what I mean by turning my thoughts south is going down into my heart and listening and feeling for the pain, sometimes the pain is the voice of a very hurting child, there is always a story in my heart beckoning for me to listen to. Example: yesterday I went "south" to hear the voice and story of the teen in me that was so full of grief, sorrow for her lost family as a teen, my parents breakup and her needs for stability that were just not there. Before this pain came up I was trapped in my "cave" hiding in my bathroom in the dark with a cigarette because I was feelings so afraid and toxic.
After I found the pain I stayed with it and let the tears roll - deep sobs of sorrow and anguish as well as just raw hurt.
Today, I awoke in sunshine, the weather here was sunny which is a novelty in the summer. My first awakening thought was to go outside and to enjoy the sun, no matter what. There was much more peace and trust with myself, it was if the teen in me and child in me has grown to trust herself enough because I allow myself my pain.
So far today I have felt much better and much more productive compared to yesterday.
"going south" is what I call finding the tears and pain and staying with it more that doing anything else, otherwise, I can't do anything else.
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Hi GS...
Let it all hang out!!! Get it off your chest. Vent. Rage. Whine... whimper.
Gloat over any progress or any small blessings or gratitude... record the things that go so smoothly, you almost didn't notice.
And if you want any suggestions or feedback, just ask.
I'm looking forward to the first installment!
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I'm reading Julia Child's My Life in France and enjoying each sumptuous page. Traveling back in time to post-war France is as pleasurable as joining her in her intimate memoir. I am moving into a period of gardening and cooking and perhaps raising chickens and sheep. All of my adult life I have longed to live on a farm - that desire has never waned. None of my early adult desires have waned and I am beginning to have hope that they will be given birth and come to life.
It is so encouraging to read how Julia began cooking late in her 30s and then diligently spent 10 years working on her cook book with her french friends well into her 40s. It is such a lovely reminder that age is not an issue. I have too long participated in America's unkind agism. Well no more of that!
With my precious child off on a "men's" trip for the week I have been all alone again. Last night I gathered up my things and headed off to Barnes and Noble to read. I bumped into a man that my son and I used to see there often. He invited me to join him for a cup of coffee and we had a great chat. I sensed that with a little flirtation I could have won another get together. It was a great feeling. It makes me think of a line from Julia's book when her husband Paul was absent for a term because of work and she bemoaned her "widowhood" until she remembered that hers was temporary unlike her friend Avis'. I was so touched by her thoughtfulness. Such a small acknowledgement is the lift and gift of friendship - true friendship - empathic friendship. Can friendship actually exist without empathy? I think not. Relationship exists only to the extent that empathy is a pillar. Julia had that quality. It makes reading her story such a pleasure. I only hate reaching the end because I do not want to close the book on the empathetic soul of my new friend Julia.
I am looking forward to seeing Julie and Julia - anyone else?
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"Can friendship actually exist without empathy? I think not. Relationship exists only to the extent that empathy is a pillar."
Hmmm? This has got me thinking...
The meaningful and deep friendships, the friendships that I cherish are the ones where I feel that empathy is a two way streak. But there are more people in my life that are incapable of deep empathy than there are people who can be deeply empathetic.
Julia is a hero of mine too. I love her encouraging spirit to cooks, "don't be afraid to try anything."
Food Network is one of my favorite channels. They have been running the trailer for the movie Julie and Julia.
Lise
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I went to see Julie and Julia yesterday - the very first showing. I have never done that before, always eschewing the BIG fad. But oddly enough right there in the movie, Julie says she is blogging on Salon. Well, I've been thinking about blogging, wondering how, wondering how to find blogs to read and there it was - laid out right in the middle of the movie.
So guess what - as of yesterday afternoon - I'm blogging and loving it. I actually got a RATE and a couple of comments. I'm feeling good. Lovin it.
I like who I am - with one HUGE exception. I am still struggling with that ability to execute my will - to follow through on these set agendas. Oh my heavens - I have made so much progress in so many very important ways in the three years that I have been here - yes I have - in every single way except this one.
Only this summer have I finally understood that this is it's own animal - it is THE animal. But what I have learned if anything here is that setting my mind on one thing at a time has brought forth great results. So now I will set my sights on this major issue - overcoming the paralysis.
O, I know - the other day I said I wouldn't do the analytical thing but I may have to eat my words on this one.
The best news for me is that I truly believe I am post-psychological at last. In other words, what is holding me back no longer feels as if it is a psychological issue but more of a neurological - a pre-frontal cortex issue. I can overcome this. I know I can.
My dreams have not varied since I was a young adult. it is time to begin getting my physical life in order so I can see these dreams come true. I need hand holding and maybe a little accountability here. Can you help me be accountable - it sets off a little something in my brain that allows it all to work. DEADLINE works for me - it is actually not psychological but neurological. If I can find a way to artificially stimulate this the my life will start popping.
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Just bumping so I don't lose myself. Losing myself could be the worst thing yet.
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((((((GS)))))))) You are not lost, GS! Ami
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Huh. Synchronicity is an odd thing.
I am currently working on "Intention". I define this as carrying out the steps to reach a defined goal - minute or huge, inner/outer... doesn't matter. And yes, I'm being hyperanalytical about it! :D
For me, identifying a goal isn't enough. Even if it's something everyone can agree on is a good, worthy endeavor - like quitting smoking. OK... I think, so maybe I'm just not committed to it. So what is commitment, really? A promise? A contract? Accountability?? Or is it, in essence, something ELSE? My hubby defines commitment as "How bad do you want it?"
OH... I'm allowed to want?! What do I want & why?? And will I change my mind?? I mean, some days I want chocolate... and other days I want something else - garlic bread! "Want" seems to not be consistent enough to carry out a task, commit to a goal/process over time. It doesn't have enough energy behind it, either.
So then, I started back with the old script tapes: why try? why bother? won't work anyway; bound to fail; it doesn't matter - I don't matter. OKkkkkk... so this gets to shame again... and for some miraculous reason I was at the point where I could see that all through "my story" is an underlying theme: in 53 years I haven't been able to find a way to get my mother to take care of my emotional needs.... I FAILED to matter to her in that way... and like a dork, I've kept trying... head to brick wall... stubbornness, I guess. Or maybe it was a survival instinct in infanthood - and the needle got stuck on that groove of my neuro-vinyl; pushed down HARD into the groove because of the later trauma - reinforced seemingly permanently. That survival instinct is life-death; one NEVER gives up.... and so creates that force that opposes all manner of intention or goals that I call "resistance".
That cycle - or circle of hell - I'm calling: the giving up that never gives up.
And "want" gets kicked to ditch... in favor of the all-consuming want of "get mother to care about me" or be important to mother just for who I am... not for what I can do (which is never "right" you know, because it's not the way she would do it).
Getting myself out of the "tar barrel":
At some point, kids are expected, trained, and encouraged to become independent - and responsible for their own emotions; independent emotionally. Normally, anyway. Maybe I mean ideally. Each person's path to this goal is just as fraught with pitfalls, imperfections, injustice, hurt and loss. Every single one. No one gets it perfect. There is no deadline for this. We all get there when we get there. There is no magical "healed" state - just human-ness.
The tar barrel that I got thrown into - because I would "never give up" - is that one-pointed focus of intention; my purpose of being was DEPENDENT on that life-death struggle for survival (identity-survival I guess) that defined success as: I am important to mother just for who I am. It's a lifetime of survival attempt engraved on my brain... hell, the potholes in the pathways and the debris on the highway make for distractions, circuituous navigation, frustration and impatience!! It's as old as my freckles; as much a part of me, too.
uh..... DUH! At this stage of life - there are other more important things to me. So how do I get out of the tar barrel... now? I don't think I have another 53 years to work at this. And like quicksand... the more I struggle the more "stuck" I get. OK - really giving up is an option: reject the want... remind myself my survival doesn't depend ONLY on that one objective... and let myself forget about this life-long detour - let it go. It's only one failure and after all, I don't have to blame anyone - not her, not myself - it is what it is.
But OH, guess what? Letting it go requires intention, too... something's still missing.
And that is addressing the "I don't matter". There are so many things that my mother neglected to teach me; that I had to learn elsewhere - like brushing my teeth before going to bed (she thought that was just stupid; once in the morning was good enough). I was terribly embarrassed at needing to learn these things; ashamed. And of course, the "blame" for that lies squarely with my mom. I was SOOOOOOOOOO ashamed of my parents..... please.... the neighbors called the cops when my Dad was drunk, fighting on the lawn with the old, old woman he brought home to torture my mom with. I hope they were clothed; they weren't when my mom forced me to witness them having sex so that I would "see how much Daddy loves you??" And how sensitive and self-conscious is a NORMAL 12 yr old??? Let alone one who's chronically anxious, fearful, and already parentified? (Sorry; Twiggy wanted to tell you 'coz she trusts & likes you; she knows you won't think she's LIKE THEM.)
The last bit about how shame figures into this is that Twiggy couldn't divorce her parents. She was too smart to runaway - she knew she needed food, clothing & shelter and she couldn't get this for herself at her age. Later... during the "shunned" period... when she was so thoroughly gaslighted and confused about what happened... she made a huge, glaring, mistake. No one else "did" this mistake to her - she did it to herself. She took all the big ugly pile of messy shame she felt about her parents... and she "made it go away" by being responsible for it; neither parent acted like they had any shame... it was just a barrel of tar that SHE was stuck in... it must belong to her, because no one else was claiming it. She made it go away by taking it with her when she "went into the box" - and left just Amber in "me". Nice try, Twiggy. That didn't work either, coz the stench of the tar and Twiggy herself came tumbling out of my unconsciousness - always at the most inconvenient times!
Twiggy's big mistake was letting that tar barrel of shame convince HER that "I don't matter"... that because she felt so horrible it meant that she was "bad" - shameful - just like her parents. (Remember, she wasn't allowed to have boundaries and there was a ton of mom-projections going on too. It was much, much "safer" to not matter.)
And there WAS something else Twiggy wanted: she wanted a mom she could be proud enough of to say - SHE'S my mom and I'm happy to be like her in some ways. She kept attaching herself to "substitute moms"... looking for characteristics that matched up with her talents... looking for deficits and gaps... and "fixing" them.... learning.
Over the last four years, I've felt more and more that Twiggy is me - and vice versa. I became that "mom" she wanted. She is still clinging to that resistance - that life-death struggle to not matter; to stay safe from the barrel of tar/shame that really doesn't belong to her - and I keep gently trying to get her to give up that struggle... to show her it's "safe" now... and to accept things I want her to do to become emotionally independent and secure. To take care of herself. Coz, no matter how many times I have to say it or show her - she matters to me at the life-death level. That, I think... is commitment. That is also intention: how to get to a goal. And it "always is"... it's consistent over time... will help push through the difficulties that I know will arise... will provide encouragement to "get up and try again" in the face of a mistake or set back...
Before I get to blathering (tee-hee! this is already too long) - Twiggy and I are now working together on a big project. I just started a new journal and while we're allowed to reference the past in all it's gory detail... the journal is NOT about the past. It's a dictionary - a definition - of Twiggy/Amber - who I am now... and what else I want to be. We are working together to choose goals, create intention and action plans, to move into "now" and progress to the future... without any "hangovers" from the past. I know I can't do this without Twiggy's cooperation. She still needs some maturing time, too. Some reassurance that it's finally OK to be her - sans the crap in the barrel... and she's got some catching up to do, age-wise, too.
"Yes, I am a pirate - 200 years too late..."
I have thoroughly hijacked your thread, GS..... in my defense, I'll only say I've missed you that much!! Can you come back to play?
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CB! Hi!!! You posted while I was writing war & peace...
On the topic of food, yes absolutely - gardening, cooking, and then savoring the results - is a concrete tangible "connection" to the earth mother energy - nurturing, healing, joyful. The earth itself can render harmless all kinds of toxic substances - including nuclear waste. It takes a while, in human terms... but the earth mother has a whole different time-frame than we use.
It's a very spiritual path, as you've pointed out.
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learning that deadlines and accountability generate the necessary and proper neural workings. Yesterday I created an artificial deadline by inviting people to dinner. There is an interesting pattern that is beginning to make itself obvious to me. I am finding that I am ending up right back where Hopsy took me several years ago. The one square at a time concept. When the "whole" overwhelms and sends me to the "no zone" I am learning to look at one, teeny weeny particular and focus, focus, focus. Often, starting with the one moves me toward finishing the task. Start with the one. Then task accomplished I can move to my "no zone", safe, withdrawal aka online. This "no zone" is soothing, comforting, a safe retreat but it is time to limit my access to it and move out into functioning functionability.
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When the "whole" overwhelms and sends me to the "no zone" I am learning to look at one, teeny weeny particular and focus, focus, focus. Often, starting with the one moves me toward finishing the task. Start with the one.
Strength,
I wonder if that is why cooking is so healing. It is just one meal. Just one place, with a certain number of ingredients. Small. Attainable. And very satisfying.
Love,
CB
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Thank you Ami.
CB - What a lovely post - the sharing, the writing, the concepts - soothing on so many levels.
The "Julia" craze has inspired a hankering for sole meuniere. When my son returned, without thinking I asked his godfather for dinner. I had sole on my mind. He said he could come on Tuesday. Uh-oh, I had made plans to see Harry Potter with my little one and a priest friend. No matter, I was sure he wouldn't mind swapping movie for dinner. To balance it out I invited a new female friend as well.
Sunday night I planned a french (should I just say Julia) inspired menu: sole meuniere, green beans, potato gratin (from Melissa D'arabian - new Food Network Star), a salade verte. I even paired it with wines, which was a first for me: Alsacean Pinot Blanc for the main course. I followed this up with a beautiful dessert, a fruited white chocolate mousse pavlova. What? A meringue basket topped with a white chocolate mousse then YELLOW peaches, RED raspberries, BLUE berries, and GREEN kiwis, drizzled with a strawberry sauce, with a dollop of whipped cream and a tiny leaf of fresh mint - Voila - and this I paired with a heavy sweet wine. Hoping for a white port I had to fall back on a Muscadine wine. C'est la vie.
Funny thing, we talked about many of these movies:
Watch Chocolat, Babette's Feast, Mostly Martha, No Reservations, Like Water for Chocolate.
I love the concept you write about - food therapy. I see how it is life-giving and I am glad to participate in it for a time - it feels good.
PR - I am relishing your posts. Want to comment. Must digest first - he he.
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CB, I just saw it too, and you are MY Julia!
much much love and missing you and promise to connect....
Hops
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Sorry it was so long... !!
I have all the time in the world - temporarily - will be pretty busy starting this weekend... and Twiggy/I wanted to at least get to the point of addressing what we want "now" to look like... and what we've always wanted to be... and wanted you to share some of this new work. Like food therapy: it's less about looking back and dealing with the past and more about moving forward... thought it might give you some ideas of your own! You've staring at the wall looking for a "door" to that yourself, for some time now, huh?
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Sunday night I planned a french (should I just say Julia) inspired menu: sole meuniere, green beans, potato gratin (from Melissa D'arabian - new Food Network Star), a salade verte. I even paired it with wines, which was a first for me: Alsacean Pinot Blanc for the main course. I followed this up with a beautiful dessert, a fruited white chocolate mousse pavlova. What? A meringue basket topped with a white chocolate mousse then YELLOW peaches, RED raspberries, BLUE berries, and GREEN kiwis, drizzled with a strawberry sauce, with a dollop of whipped cream and a tiny leaf of fresh mint - Voila - and this I paired with a heavy sweet wine. Hoping for a white port I had to fall back on a Muscadine wine. C'est la vie.
This sounds wonderful!!!! Yum. How did it turn out? Or have you cooked yet?
Do you watch Chopped?
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I began blogging on Open Salon last month. I had been mulling over the idea for a couple of weeks and then in the movie Julie and Julia, Julie mentions that she is blogging on Open Salon and immediately I know how I will spend the rest of my afternoon.
I am not a great writer so comments and rates have been only a few. But today I received Editor's Choice and I am overjoyed. Writing in this way is such a marvelous antidote to feeling voiceless.
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oh PR, you are the shaper of my thoughts, the wordsmith of my feelings. I read your posts and check word after word to make certain it is you who authored the piece rather than me. Again this bizarre out-of-body experience occurred when I read these words of yours:
Yes, people still try to tone down my intensity and encourage me through my awkwardness as I try out this ability - since I've not had a lot of practice! But no one's denying me the right to be emotional or making fun of me... or saying I'm "crazy" for being so intense about things. I'm still sorting out why other people were allowed to feel things; be emotional... but I wasn't. It just makes absolutely no sense... I can't find the context for this... unless it was simply that other people's feelings in my FOO mattered more than mine.. or they felt one thing, while I felt something else - and they imagined that this was challenging them or being bad... or crazy. I guess I wasn't allowed to have emotional needs... they were just magically going to be met by the universe... or I was just letting my imagination run away with me, to expect safety, protection, love, happiness, encouragement and validation from my parents. It certainly wasn't on their agenda.
But then, too - I was told what to feel; any deviance from that was disobediance or worse - a character flaw, insanity. That "party line" was paranoid, clinically depressed, powerless and full of learned helplessness. When I felt something else - hope, excitement, happiness, anticipation, and the ability to achieve a goal... don't ya know, that was just crazy? And I had to "stop it" and not be so egotistical, getting a "big head" - because it "hurt" my mother... because, I guess, she couldn't feel those things and that meant that they weren't "real".
I have spent most of my last 8 years trying desparately to mitigate the intensity of my emotions, certain that that is the very core culprit of my solitude, rejection, isolation. It is painful to prod back into my memories and look at those experiences when joy and happiness were jerked out of my being, replaced with demanded fear and respect or my now omni-present anxiety. These memories are revisited almost daily when my son's own joy and silliness flare up PTSD type memories of moments of glee being descimated with the hammer like fall of my father's reprimand.
But rather than dwell there, I want to explore something else your post and many recent posts have been trying to tickle out of me. It is about staying with something in me - that something that I am trying to cover up when I retreat for hours on end into my computer and online life. It is an addiction of sorts because it is my way in which to self-soothe. If it were not for my retreat into this computer I would have to face up to the disorder around me - physical, psychological, financial, social disorder that is pressing in on me. And yet I flee - day after day after day.
But your own work calls me to task because in truth the way out for me now is two fold and one of those aspects is to stay with that pain, take it into a mediation and allow it to unfold and release. I must not continue to flee from it but to allow it to operate right here on a level of consciousness. I need it though fear it. I fear it because for all of my life until very recent years it wreaked a tyranny over me sending me into such dispair and hopelessness. But I have seen my way out of that. I am no longer hopeless nor in despair and yet the old neural paths have not relinquished their age worn responses. And it is the fear and anticipation which continue to lock me into the old patterns.
But you and your writings are holding a mirror up to my face and allowing me to see that those old reactions are based on patterns established by that N family life which no longer has a death grip on me. I must keep looking in that mirror, trusting what I can now see, consciously telling myself that my false perceptions are attributable to them and not to my own reality.
Keep writing - it gives me hope and gives me life.
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aw shucks... thanks!
Glad to see you post today and I'm glad someone knows what I'm trying to say - it feels clumsy, inelegant, awkward still. As if it's something so simple & obvious - yet it's an experience I've denied myself for many, many years. I admit that I don't know well what I'm trying to say... what this experience is, that I'm trying to describe. It's alien to me.
It's like I'm finally "all here" now... no I'll be happy "when - if - later"... no yearning for someone else to fill up any "hole" or provide for me, what I can do for myself... no more "waiting for the other shoe to drop" or fearing someone will come along to rain on my parade... even the usual life obstacles that continue to come up - have lost their capacity to drive me into red-alert crisis mode... no inner-critic or evil mom in my head... no self-consciousness about who I am or what I've lived through; no apologies, either.
It's like it was just "time"... all the prerequisite work was done... nothing else left except just be - me. But I had to let go of all the old pain, processing it over & over and expecting something other than just feeling pain... or fear... or whatever. That WAS my reality; it isn't my experience of it any longer. I was abused; I'm not now. Forcing myself back into the pain looking for a different answer was just self-abuse, for me. Like hitting myself in the head over & over in the hope that it would stop hurting. It was re-experiencing the original wounds... and only re-wounding myself.
It really didn't get me anywhere but miserable - after the necessary unearthing of the details of what happened to me. Why should I continue doing to myself, what didn't feel good the first time I experienced it???
It didn't take too long after I stopped forcing myself back into the pain for this change to occur... wish I'd figured this out sooner, but c'est la vie... it was just "time" for me to make that shift, I think. There is no how-to to this or any prescribed amount of time, either... we are all different.
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from my blog:
WHERE IS MY VILLAGE?
“Where is my village?” asks this tired mother.
I have raised my child by myself since he was 7 months old. It has been such a joy but as every single mother will tell you it is also exhausting. But today I am wondering where my village is, the one Hillary Rodham Clinton wrote about.
It is one of the most beautiful days – gorgeous blue skies with puffy white clouds and an uncharacteristic 78 degrees. I should be outside loving every precious minute but I’m not. And neither is my little boy. We are both sitting in our pjs watching tv and playing with our computers.
I feel so guilty and so wasteful. How I long for a village to beckon my son out into the world to play or do something, anything. Today I am too tired to provide that structure. I do it day after day after day. Today I cannot and it tugs on my heart.
I have been watching The Food Network and long to cook up something scrumptious but cannot summon the energy to clean the dirty dishes and kitchen counters. Well it is more than that – the fridge is overflowing with outdated food. No there is even more. My stomach is too weak to even list it much less face it. I’m telling you – I need my village today. I have so much to do that I am just going back to bed and pull up the covers. Knock when you find them.
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*I* hear perfectionism running rampant in your post. I don't mean this as a diss--at all.
I realized last week, how perfectionistic I am when I didn't want to watch golf . I thought I was "bad", immature, a baby, bad hostess etc etc.
My friend showed me that the root was "I have to be perfect or I am "bad"
Compost if it does not fit! xxoo Ami
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I have to say Ami that you missed the point. I'm not writing about perfectionism. I'm just writing from the heart and it made me feel better. It really wasn't put out for analysis but for fun, an expression of where I am today. Nothing more.
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Gaining Strength:
I am so in awe of you! The dinner, the wine...the potatoes au gratin!!! How I envy that skill.....I'm afaid Stouffer's mac and cheese is the only
delicacy I can engage in......I do toss in a salad with it though! LOL....Hope you have a wonderful dinner with your friends.
I think sometimes it's the effort at these little things that helps get us through....How nice it is that you have friends to invite to enjoy a nice meal.
I hope they appreciate your effort and your friendship..
Bon appetit!
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I have to say Ami that you missed the point. I'm not writing about perfectionism. I'm just writing from the heart and it made me feel better. It really wasn't put out for analysis but for fun, an expression of where I am today. Nothing more.
OK, GS. Thanks for telling me! Ami
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Last Thursday, I started back with supplements for Adrenal Fatigue with an additional supplement for Thyroid support. I am beginning to feel a difference - sleeping more soundly, the edge slightly smoothed. I can imagine, at last, what it might be like to wake up and get going on the tasks before me. What a difference such a life would be.
This summer I have been working very hard to find a form of magnesium that my child would take. Capsules and tablets are too large for him to swallow. I've tried opening the contents and mixing them in various liquids - the powder just floats on most but mixes nicely with kefir. But it is bitter - and I mean bitter. I have tried crushing the tablet and chopping it. Mixing the crushed tablet with liquid lead to the same results as the capsule so finally we found that a tablet (more like a horsepill) cut up into 6 or 8 pieces works. It is a labor but such sweet results. He is well into his 2nd week of school sans medication. The first tiime in his precious young life. We have just gone up from 400 mg to 600mg. He is tolerating it well. We added in Epsom Salt baths at night.
As my sleep improves, I hope to get up earlier and add an exercise component and maybe a 2nd Epsom Salt bath in the am, just to calm those jangled hyperactive neurons. It is working so far and I am thankful. Could be truly life changing. for both of us. I hope to get enough energy to plant a fall garden. Now that would be great living.
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GS,
Hi hon. What a wonderful thing to hear about you and M. I am excited for you!
And personally, I am so glad you posted this...
I would be very grateful for links to what one takes for adrenal fatigue, etc.
Were you diagnosed with a thyroid problem? Is there danger to taking a thyroid supplement if you haven't been diagnosed?
Thank you!
love,
Hops
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I have a thyroid deficit and have taken prescriptions for many, many years. The whole thyroid thing is another issue entirely. I am very, very careful about what I take.
I discovered his book and supplements some time ago and have used them at different times. But I am in a much better place now and expect to get a true jumpstart as I plunge full steam ahead into a more productive life.
Here is the main website. I would be rich if I had a penny for every visit I have made. Hope you find something of interest.
http://www.adrenalfatigue.org/
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I discovered something today in a discussion on another board about the difference between being positive and being in denial.
I grew up on a world of denial. Not just my family but their broader community. The happy go lucky world of the affluent in my childhood was actually a world of denial. By my teens, there was a seething underworld or real anger and rage broiling to eruption. I truly hated the smiley face, "everything is great" attitude of so many of my mother's friends, an attitude that their daughters now live veneered to their personas.
For so long, their happy-go-lucky attitude led me to disparage positive thinking, unable to see the distinction between denial and being positive. Part of that came from the many admonitions to "smile", "be positive" regardless of what might be going on in my life.
Finally, I see something important about this happy face veneer - in the world of denial, where all is right and all that is wrong is repressed, supressed, dismissed - there is no empathy, no acknowledgement of reality from which a positive approach might be selected over the option of negative. In denial no true empathy can exist because reality doesn't exist. And - the cunclusion that popped out at me at last is that without empathy - there is - well - narcissism. No wonder I have been angry about life in denial for so long.
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I learned this morning that my father is in the hospital. Has been for 3 or 4 days.
His sister, with whom he does not speak called my mother from whom he has been divorced for 20 years. She didn't call my brother or me. Some of his cousins have been to visit him. His new wife (whose house backs up to mine - through some woods) told my brother that she hadn't had time to call us.
Noone bothered to let my brother or me know. I feel such rage.
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Strength,
I have wanted to write and tell you how enjoyable this thread has been when I have been able to come to the board.
Then I saw your last post...I am so sorry. This is way below the belt and so hurtful. I wish I could give some comfort to get you through these days---I went through something similar with my mom many, many years ago, and it still hurts....so I dont think I am much comfort. But know that I am thinking of you as you navigate this difficult time.
CB
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Yes you are a comfort CB. More than you can know - simply by acknowledging my apparent pain.
The greatest fear as a child, the very unacknowledged fear that kept me tied in to that man whom I only saw as perfection, was the fear of being rejected. I bent over backwards, tied myself into a dysfunctional pretzel so that I could connect to my father. I would have done anything. The fear of rejection of a parent is hardwired in. As an infant it is an issue of physical survival. That need lingers on as some sort of shadow of psychic survival. That rejection began decades ago but it is none-the-less painful and controlling still to this day.
I am working on, tapping on that double-bind that still seizes me wholebodily, the damned if you do and damned if you don't paralysis that sends my adrenals into overdrive when I feel the assault ramp up. The so all aloness that I feel was actually the result of an intended manipulation by my father and mother. The learned helplessness was an intended conditioning by that man who rejected me when I was born. Only it took me so long to pull the veil off of what I thought was "family."
The pain is still raw and the rage as strong as when first felt. But today I keep the fans flames so that my attention will no longer allow this pain to be repressed in hopes that it will slip away - IT DOESN'T. It must be cut out like a cancer and that takes unabated attention and acknowledgement.
I have chosen to go into the fire and not come out until I have excised the cruel brokenness of parental rejection and sabotage. It was a crime against nature and while there are worse crimes against humanity, this crime claimed much of my life. I am ready to move out of being a victim and into overcoming. Even after all of this time, it is still scary.
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My mother's manipulations had little effect on me. I saw through her veneer. I dismissed her psychologically and worked to get out of her house as soon as possible. I begged to go to boarding school for 4 years - to no avail. Mind you my parents and brothers all went. That is one of the fundamentally bizarre aspects of my N parents. They kept me on a short tether as long as they could and then silently, unceremoniously - dumped me.
The trap was with my father. I tied myself into a pretzel trying to conform to his preferences. Not that he enumerated them = it was more of conforming by dodging the things he criticized and condemned - and they were many. I wanted to conform to his preferences. I longed for the notice. Had I only understood what he was doing then I could have dismissed him as I did my mother and have selected the important values that would have been life giving rather than life depleting.
Now I am peeling back the memories and examining where I opted for my father against myself for his implied promise that he would direct me correctly rather than lead me to the cliffs edge and throw me a biscuit to leap off after.
I was duped. Over and over and over. By the very person who gave me life and whom I tied myself to psychicly. The pain in inexorible, horrific. In order to survive I have been repressing this pain rather than wading into it. I must reverse course and drive full force into the pain and find my own core at each and every juncture where I left my soul behind because the man who was my father promised me better by trusting him to help me make better choices. It all was a lie and I am still paying for his betrayal - each and every day.
The pain of going back in is indescribable but I wouldn't even attempt it anywhere else.
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My mother's manipulations had little effect on me. I saw through her veneer. I dismissed her psychologically and worked to get out of her house as soon as possible. I begged to go to boarding school for 4 years - to no avail. Mind you my parents and brothers all went. That is one of the fundamentally bizarre aspects of my N parents. They kept me on a short tether as long as they could and then silently, unceremoniously - dumped me.
The trap was with my father. I tied myself into a pretzel trying to conform to his preferences. Not that he enumerated them = it was more of conforming by dodging the things he criticized and condemned - and they were many. I wanted to conform to his preferences. I longed for the notice. Had I only understood what he was doing then I could have dismissed him as I did my mother and have selected the important values that would have been life giving rather than life depleting.
Now I am peeling back the memories and examining where I opted for my father against myself for his implied promise that he would direct me correctly rather than lead me to the cliffs edge and throw me a biscuit to leap off after.
I was duped. Over and over and over. By the very person who gave me life and whom I tied myself to psychicly. The pain in inexorible, horrific. In order to survive I have been repressing this pain rather than wading into it. I must reverse course and drive full force into the pain and find my own core at each and every juncture where I left my soul behind because the man who was my father promised me better by trusting him to help me make better choices. It all was a lie and I am still paying for his betrayal - each and every day.
The pain of going back in is indescribable but I wouldn't even attempt it anywhere else.
What happened with your F is what happened with my M. The pain IS horrible but under it are the doors which open and show the way out. It is happening for me but it is slow and you really need people to hold you up as you go through it, iME.
They have to be people who have been there and are not afraid of the pain or else they will shutyou down.
Ami
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Thank you Ami.
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As I find myself reacting in the present to emotional binding that first happened decades ago, I find myself slipping into a time warp of the child who was powerless to protect myself from small injustices. That powerlessness sends me into rage and ironically self-destructive behavior - an unleashing of behavior that is nothing short of cutting off my nose to spite my face, not thought out behavior and not even impulsive but explosive, unbridled, untempered and uncontrolable anger and yelling.
The child took it. She had no choice and no safeharbor to hide in, no place to seek solace. The normal channels of solace were the most dangerous, most booby-trapped, snake laden places of all. Reporting poor treatment from outsiders would open up the valves of mistreatment and belittling and humiliation from the inside.
I slip into a place of resentment of my peers. We had the resources but it was a crazy world in which those resources were not available to me. I was like a servant in my own home, partaking of the wealth and finery only vicariously - because I "worked" in the home only for me it was because I "lived" in the home but I never, ever belonged. None of it would be for me, would belong to me, would be available to me.
I built barriers of opportunity around me just as the baby elephant learns to be bound by a string. It was follly for my father to teach me to be bound, to strip away opportunities to have access to financial wellbeing because he lead me that way. He lead me that way so that he could have ultimate control over me and when that controll was only partial he then complete abandoned me. All done without a word, without explanation, and without understanding on my part. It has been a slow and painstaking journey to come to understand how I got to where I am.
Why can't I unload and reload the dishwasher? Because I will not do it the right way. Something will be wrong and the verbal, emotional toll is too great to try. Doing nothing keeps me off the radar screen and that saves me from the humiliations and demonstration of my powerlessness. All of that is a string but the memory of the pain is so great and the excruciating pain experienced at the release of adrenaline is so great that I remain in that trap.
Now is the time for finding my way out. I must go in to get out. Find a way to circumvent the adrenoline charge that renders me stuck on rage - that self-defeating rage that sends me burrowing in after.
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The child does not want out of the comforts and special treatments of belonging to a family of means and position. Resentment is a powerful force. Belonging, longing for belonging is a powerful binding force. Longing for justice is a powerful binding force.
All of these binds must be broken. Keep eye on prize. Beatings and humiliation are small price to pay to get to the other side. The beatings and humiliations will not last. That path is short and then there is freedom. Freedom is worth enduring some extreme pains rather than putting up with tolerable lower level pains for a long, long time.
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Gaining Strength,
Until I read your post, I never encountered another ACON who reacted to their mother the way my husband did. Well, unless you count his siblings too. Both of his parents fully qualify as Ns. My husband's mother is a pathological liar, and her children apparently learned early not to believe a word she said. My husband's attitude was always, "oh that's just mother," which I found completely confusing, being an adult child of a narcissistic mother myself ... I couldn't understand how he could write her off so completely (although I was completely envious of his ability!). His father though was another story. He really has had a hard time standing up to his dad. Somehow though with both of his parents, from an early age my husband understood the concept of Limited Contact. When we were younger I felt so bad for them that he never called. For awhile I would call my mother in law once a week out of feeling bad for her because my husband didn't call. I finally figured out what a pathological liar she is and that simply having a phone call with her was an opportunity for her to lie about what I said to sisters in law etc.
Now all the siblings and their spouses communicate directly with one another. When we were younger the N MIL kept drama going by stirring up trouble between us. We are all in our late 30s and late 40s and finally figured out that we needed to just TALK TO EACH OTHER.
I find it very very curious that out of four kids, none of them appear to be narcissistic. My husband was the Golden Child and it was as hard on him as it was on the Un-golden children. If the Golden Child has any sense, he/she knows that he has one foot over "the cliff" and the other foot on a banana peel with the N parents. All it takes is for him to screw up. And of course everybody screws up. When he was in his 20s, my husband had to deal with a lot of guilt and remorse for the way he treated his siblings when he was a teen. He said he was so intolerant and well, basically N. But he matured out of that.
Occasionally, to be brutally honest, I can see some N problems with my husband. But this is not really WHO he is. One time I told him he was being "mean" about something and he absolutely went ballistic. Apparently the word "mean" is a trigger word for him. I never encountered that side of him (either before or since). When I say ballistic I don't mean abusive or anything, he just got really angry. Generally speaking, he just has a lot of self-confidence, but he also has the capacity to reflect and to see when he's been wrong. Sometimes it takes longer than I would like, but he does reflect on his own behavior.
After reading your post, GS, I realize that the family dynamics when BOTH parents are Ns are 'way different than when there's only N. Not necessarily better or worse, because in the one-N families the other parent probably is just as dysfunctional just in a different way. But in two-N families, maybe it's a choice between "sick" and "deathly ill" parents. Kids might learn to choose sick over deathly ill. But now I hear you saying, GS, that eventually you realize that the "merely sick" parent is not trustworthy either! And since you've put all your eggs in that basket, so to speak, it is particularly nasty to have to face that truth.
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HeartofPilgrimage - Love reading what you have written. I have noticed from reading other ACON's postings that there is a clear difference between those with one N parent and those with 2.
But oddly enough - my father, who has been diagnosed with full blown NPD was the parent who spent time with me but whose effect was much more debilitating than my mother. My mother merely has N tendencies, but she spent zero time with me, taught me nothing, never did mother things with me, never bought makeup for me or discussed "girl" things - about female bodies or feminine issues - love, hate, friends, college, marriage - nadda, nothing. Not that my father did either but he did teach me things - activities, particularly sports, and values (that is an iffy word in this context). But I did notice early on as a young adult that all the things that he once had an interest in were dropped shortly after I picked them up. Only as an adult did I understand how bizarrely odd that was. But now I know - he would flee from any possibility of "connection".
digging my way out
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Or fleeing any possibility that you would be better than him at it.
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Yes - that's right - or fleeing the possibility that I might be better at it.
How sad. I would love for my son to take up any of my interests. I would love to see him excell beyond my capability. I still long for someone to help me develop my gifts. - Not to be though.
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I am pushing myself to do somethings that have been on my list for many years - house sort of things. But I am doing it with a different psychological presence. Being fully present to the intersection of today and yesterday and the neurological response that is attached to yesterday even though it is acting out today. I am letting the things I need to do trigger the reactions from yesteryear so that I can rewire my brain.
There are so many layers to overcoming this. There is the fear of repeated failure. Starting to clean triggers a physiological response that is unconscious. I am trying to bring this unconscious compulsive non-action into my consciousness. connect my present inaction or volatile reaction to the humiliation that was heaped on me as a child for trying to follow my heart, trying to become me, trying to fulfill my hearts desire.
Panic - ther is anxiety and panic underneath it all. Learning to stay with the task and allow the panic and anxiety to flow past without sweeping my up in it. Do it over and over until it takes over - cleaning without letting the anxiety and panic take over. Exercise until the panic and anxiety flow past. And the list goes on.
It attaches to going to sleep, getting my business operational, getting some reading done, paying bills and on and on - all of the anxiety provoking issues. Actively pursue these things without slipping in to paralysis in order to elude the panic/anxiety and the wretched feeling of the adrenaline dripping, leaching out causing that horrid spent, fatigue and anger.
Each success will build on previous successes. I can do it. I have made progress in other areas. This is the last frontier - the last hold out. I can do this one. I can.
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:D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D
Yes, you can. I know it!
xxxxoooo
sleepy but happy for you GS!
love
Hops
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thank you Hops - your support is immensely helpful.
I spent the past 20 minutes writing and uncovering so much via stream of consciousness. Just as I get ready to save the internet connection breaks and the whole damn thing is lost. Such a disappointment.
I am breaking new ground. Connecting so much of my anxious reactions today with the gross memories of childhood. Those childish reactions are stuck long into adulthood. They cause such pain but I am learning to cut those links. It takes enormous focus and will to stay with the excruciating pain and find out how it is attached to stuff back then but not now. It is astonishingly difficult to do.
I am thankful for this place where I have others to share with who will understand. That is the ONLY way I can go forward - is to have others who understand and who care.
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Keep going, (((GS))). You are right. We have to go through,not around. Ami
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Thank you Ami.
Definitely made progress today (Tuesday). I believe I am on a track, the same one I have been on but this time it seems to be coming together. I am identifying those voices that have been so deep in my unconscious and am finding myself, at long last, able to call them out and name them for what they are, discounting their interference with my life today. Step by step, day by day.
I am thankful for today and hopeful for tomorrow. (Just wishing I were as eloquent and able to put words to the experience, the process as PR is.)
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Sometimes this is one of the loneliest places on earth.
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Hey, hon.
What is that about...can you say a little more?
This being: the board, your home, your community, your family?
I'm sorry you're feeling lonely.
I'm drinking tea and trying to fight off sleep. Morning quiet is a nice time
of day but I never get enough rest. Going to drag myself to work early
for a meeting at which I'll have to present. Ugh. But so be it.
What are you going to do today? What's something less-than-one-square-foot
that is on the list?
love to you,
Hops
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Doesn't have to be, GS...
what's come up on the inner monitor?
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Dear((( GS)))
I find that those horrible feelings are often repressed childhood feelings coming up. I am here in any way you need me! Ami
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Thank you Hops, PR and Ami.
The "here" is this board. There are times when I pour part of myself out, those parts that are vulnerable due to N experiences, and they seem to land either unnoticed or heavy like a lead balloon. And Ami, you are right, that is reminescent of childhood where my struggles were either unacknowledged or used as fuel for further put downs.
Hops - I am clearing away a small square each day for the past 4 or 5. It is feeling good, empowering. Today it was the back of the car, yesterday the kitchen sink and tomorrow - who knows.
Making progress even when there is stress. My day is crazy so I have no time left to post. Thank you three for responding. It helps tremendously, to reach out and then receive. That is a healing experience. The lonely was for the moment but I see now Ami how it was also from the past. Thanks all - GS
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Need knows no timezones and has no "clock"; no day or night.
You posted way after I was asleep... and I too have been having "crazy days" working again, though it's just for a short time while we make this transition with the business. The "ownership" is transferred... but there are lots of things still not quite done. I find myself caught between the phone and email, alot... or printing/reading important documents.
And I find I'm sleeping a lot more than usual... that's a good thing.
Maybe there is another night-owl you could maybe make an arrangement with? I'm sorry I wasn't up and online, for you.
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All of a sudden I am receiving gifts from strangers and complements. This is such a surprise and really comforting. I see them as a kind of synchronicity.
A couple of weeks ago I went to a funeral of a woman who was 102 when she died. I had known her all of my life. For decades she worked at my grandparents' home. I also knew many of her children and her brother-in-law and sister-in-law.
I was the only family member at the funeral. So few are still living here in the same city. It was a very small funeral. Mary Nell had been comatose in a nursing home for 10 or 12 years.
After the funeral, I got back in my car and waited to fall in line behind the hearse in the funeral procession to the cemetary. As I waited, on the other side of the narrow street, one of the funeral directors approached me to ask if I was going to the burial. I said I was and he followed by offering complements and saying that I looked so pretty.
As a 51 year old widow who has greying hair and has gained 10+ lbs. this past year and had only 2 dates in the 8 years since my husband died - his words were a gift from beyond. Really transforming me, encouraging me to make an effort to dress nicely and put on makeup and make an effort to style my hair. It was a gift far beyond what he will ever know.
Last week, after another funeral, I stopped my a wonderful Greek deli to buy food for a trip to the beach over the Labor Day weekend. While I was collecting my favorite items I noticed two gay men walk in. The sort of looked like Mutt and Jeff - one very short and bald and the other tall, built, with a muscle tight black t-shirt and dyed black hair, tatooed to the hilt.
We both approached the cash register at the same time. The short one said in a teasing way, "You should let those of us who work go first. We don't have much time." I paried back, "Who says I am not working?" And he laughed. The proprietor was slicing some turkey and cheese for me and I looked into my purse to grab my check book - and, wouldn't you know it. I had brought in a cooler and a heavy canvas grocery bag but no purse.
"Oh - you. You get your way, I have left my purse in the car." And to the proprietor, "Go ahead and check them out first, I'll be right back." I fetched my purse and returned to the scene where the short man was still unloading a rather full basket. I gave him grief about having so much asked when he was serving his lunch and where? After he left, the proprietor stood there ringing up nothing. "Have you already rung me up?" I asked. "Don't be angry!" he said. Who could be angry at this, the nicest of men. "Why?" He waited and looked out of the door and then said cautiously, "I told him you would be angry but that man just paid for your items - all of them."
I'm still amazed, still appreciative and wondering how in the world my fortunes changed so dramatically. It keeps going on smaller scales. The next day on the way to the beach we stopped at an ice cream/sandwich shop just before they closed. I had packed a small picnic but we wanted something to drink and some ice cream. The young man gave me 3 cups for drinks and said, "Don't worry about it. It's on me." What a gift!
I am wondering if things are coming in line for me. It seems as if it is.
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Random acts of kindness... passing them on when you can... makes you believe it's not such a bad world after all, huh?
I've been there too - and hope to pass it on. But what a joy for you! Do you know Mary Engelbreit? The illustrator who does Christmas cards with one word: BELIEVE on them?
I keep thinking she knows something I don't; if I simply believe that good things are all around me... I can enjoy them... and share with someone who needs that kind of warmth & light... it can be Christmas any time of year... and the gift can be simple as a smile and a kind word.
What nice things you've experienced - and I can't think of a nicer person for them to happen to!
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That is a very neat story. Also, not to downplay the delight in the events themselves ... but also, you might be changing, opening up so that you can fully experience the nice things that happen! If so, you can look forward to more synchronicity, I think!
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Happy Magnolia!
Glad these affirming moments happened to you, GS...and so agree it's likely your readiness to engage that got you enjoying other people...
So lovely to hear this.
xxoo
Hops
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(((((GS))))))))))) Ami
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PR - Mary Engelbreit sounds familiar so I googled her. I love the BELIEVE concept. Thanks for sharing it. I'm beginning to believe. Why not?
Heart of Pilgrimage - I hope I'm changing. I would be about time for that.
Hops - That negative core is slowly melting. I walk into stores and remember Wayne Dyer's suggestion to approach clerks with the attitude of "What can I do for you today?" rather than the other way around.
Ami - thank you for your support, as always.
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Today is the worst day I have had in many months. I have just taken a nose dive. I know it is temporary but while in the midst of it - it sucks.
I feel so overwhelmed. Not that that is unusual but I think I feel it acutely because I have been working to clean up today. That is exactly why cleaning up is so difficult, it trips some deep seated pain that I am only now getting the slightest access to. I'm not going to put it down here because on paper it sounds so ho-hum but the pain is unbearable. I have made the association that as a child problems received excoriating reactions from my parents when I tried to resolve them or fix them or clean up situations. That is when the worst of their wrath descended. It has taken me several years to get to this. It has and indescribable alienating and shaming effect.
The pain that I feel and the rejection and isolation and loneliness are horrific. I have nowhere else to go to share this pain except here.
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Today is the worst day I have had in many months. I have just taken a nose dive. I know it is temporary but while in the midst of it - it sucks.
I feel so overwhelmed. Not that that is unusual but I think I feel it acutely because I have been working to clean up today. That is exactly why cleaning up is so difficult, it trips some deep seated pain that I am only now getting the slightest access to. I'm not going to put it down here because on paper it sounds so ho-hum but the pain is unbearable. I have made the association that as a child problems received excoriating reactions from my parents when I tried to resolve them or fix them or clean up situations. That is when the worst of their wrath descended. It has taken me several years to get to this. It has and indescribable alienating and shaming effect.
The pain that I feel and the rejection and isolation and loneliness are horrific. I have nowhere else to go to share this pain except here.
Dear GS
I know it does not help much but I TOTALLY understand. The repressed pain is horrific. Helen said it best,1000 old mourning widows in my soul.
It was repressed cuz it would have killed a kid. It IS that bad.
I am so sorry you are hurting like that GS. XXXX Ami
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Thank you Ami - that's it - repressed and now it has to come out.
I have a new friend as of this summer. I called her. It helped to talk about anything. As we talked I cleaned some more. As I did that I had an insight as to how something, anything that overrides the pain allows me to get the work done, it keeps me from dipping down into that wretched state. Maybe I can find some way to create that same dynamic even when I am alone. That would really be fantastic.
I feel better now. It was so helpful to have a place to come and a human to talk to who is understanding. Such a release. Such a releif.
The one activity planned for today was my child's football pictures and game. He has a virus and doesn't even feel like dressing to have his photo taken. I hate that he doesn't feel any better today. But I also HATE being so isolated at home with all that repressed horror coming up.
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Hi GS,
Me too.
I'm avoiding it. Because there's so much it's -- ugh. One thing at a time and the list never gets shorter. Though it CAN. I know the purging, decluttering, simplifying thing is real. And does change lives.
Tiny example. I got everything off the floor of my closet a few weeks ago when I gave away a third of my clothes. Duh. Now it's easy to vacuum.
But I did get started this week. Vacuumed a lot.
Now...I dedicate the cleaning of my moldy shower curtain to you!
(Only you would...might...consider that a good thing...right? :shock:)
Hugs,
Hops
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Thank you Ami - that's it - repressed and now it has to come out.
I have a new friend as of this summer. I called her. It helped to talk about anything. As we talked I cleaned some more. As I did that I had an insight as to how something, anything that overrides the pain allows me to get the work done, it keeps me from dipping down into that wretched state. Maybe I can find some way to create that same dynamic even when I am alone. That would really be fantastic.
I feel better now. It was so helpful to have a place to come and a human to talk to who is understanding. Such a release. Such a releif.
The one activity planned for today was my child's football pictures and game. He has a virus and doesn't even feel like dressing to have his photo taken. I hate that he doesn't feel any better today. But I also HATE being so isolated at home with all that repressed horror coming up.
It IS really hard when it comes up. There is no way around it. It feels hopeless like it will never get better.
I think I am getting better .
You can't let anyone guilt you out of it, though, by a "Just get over it""You have everything to be grateful for so stop complaining". "Fix yourself up and get out of the house(*I* get this all the time :lol:)
You have to respect the process, I am finding. It just IS from what we went through.
Most people didn't and can't understand.
In the meantime, its a mean time, you know? xxxx Ami
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(Only you would...might...consider that a good thing...right?
YES I DO!!!
I wish I were close enough to come do it for you. I have some great cleaner that is not chemical based and has a fabulous fragrance. I would do it in a heart beat. We should swap. I suspect you could help me and I could help you. I just wish we were close enough to make it work.
Thinking of you. I think I will invoke your encouragement tomorrow while I try to finish the kitchen. It is so much easier to cook in a clean and neat kitchen.
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I love cleaning kitchens.
I wish I could clean yours.
xo
Hops
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O - so funny Hops. I was thinking about you today and thinking that I can do some things in my home and put into it the effort that I would put into helping you. That's the odd thing. I can do for anyone but me. That twiested stuff of N injection.
CB - thanks so much. I've been thinking of you in the past few days. Must have been one of those mind-connects. Hoping things are moving along swimmingly for you. Thank you for returning my focus to the good stuff.
Ami - I was thinking this morning that each and every time I deal with an issue - it gets worse before it gets better. I believe that is what was going on with me this weekend. Not to mention that as a single mother of an ill child I was completely housebound for 84 hours. That is wwaayy too long. This roller-coaster ride is a clear pattern for me. I will just have to ride it out because the prize is at the end.
Thanks for caring you three.
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O - so funny Hops. I was thinking about you today and thinking that I can do some things in my home and put into it the effort that I would put into helping you. That's the odd thing. I can do for anyone but me. That twiested stuff of N injection.
CB - thanks so much. I've been thinking of you in the past few days. Must have been one of those mind-connects. Hoping things are moving along swimmingly for you. Thank you for returning my focus to the good stuff.
Ami - I was thinking this morning that each and every time I deal with an issue - it gets worse before it gets better. I believe that is what was going on with me this weekend. Not to mention that as a single mother of an ill child I was completely housebound for 84 hours. That is wwaayy too long. This roller-coaster ride is a clear pattern for me. I will just have to ride it out because the prize is at the end.
Thanks for caring you three.
I really think, GS, that the healing IS in the feelings coming up and out.The hard part is enduring them. Under the feelings are the insights which open doors to show you that the stuff was old and does not apply to you,now and never did
I am getting those kind of insights. It does feel good on some days and hopeless on others. I agree with that! Ami
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I gained another sliver of insight today. I was stressed over the failure of my internet service. The provider says it is a piece of hardware and gave me the manufacturers phone number. The manufacturer tells me that I need to take it to a certified repair person but that the only person they have is in an area way out of town but that he can do some test for $35 right there on the phone. Whatever it is, I can see the $$$$ mounting up and it sends my stress levels soaring. It is just one of several issues that I am having with things breaking down in my home but I am internet dependent.
After spending an hour + on the phone with various folks re the internet I get in the car to take my son to my mother's b/c I have a meeting this evening. Stressed, I find myself getting irritated about having to go to this meeting. I don't have many clothes and I feel rotten about what I have on, and on and on. I feel myself slipping into a dark place, a place of despair and bad mood. I will only know 2 of the 10 or 12 people here.
Suddenly, I saw what was happening with me - it was a flash back - so many times something would happen on our way to some place - I would be screamed at or told that my hair looked awful or that my dress was ridiculous or something that caused me to feel horrible about myself - no one to turn to for comfort - and then we would arrive at our destination - another family's home, an event, the country club or something and I would be still hurt, still feeling bad about myself but expected to just snap out of it and pretend that nothing had happened, to shift into positive and perky and FUN. But the resentment I felt at having no acknowledgement of my experience nor my feelings was huge then and has remained so for all these years. It was because I had no voice and no listener. Never have. It fuels resentment and frustration.
Tonight I will be able to shift out of this and recognize that it belongs to the past and to the issues aboutmy computer rather than to this next event. I believe I will be able to separate the two tonight.
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Your post reminded me of how awful Sunday mornings always were. There was always a fight and everybody always arrived in a bad mood. The fight was usually over appearances. I don't know why it was more important to look perfect than to arrive at church in a good mood, ready to receive some kind of spiritual blessing.
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Hi GS...
how did your meeting go?
I'm curious, because of your insight prior to the meeting - of being able to separate things past & present. Was that a help? I wonder if you felt more confident about the meeting, knowing that the bad mood you felt yourself slipping into was a past script and that while you were justifiably irritated and concerned about your internet access, if you were able to put that aside - let it go - to focus on the meeting. That would be a good skill to have!
I've been "seeing" a lot of things like this lately, myself. And sometimes, the insight does help me shake it off; other times the effects are more subtle. But they do tend to accumulate "critical mass"... like a snowball... and then there's an increase in momentum, propelling me into a whole "new phase".... of maybe what I'd call internal emotional competence (???). Granted, it's not complete, consistent... reliable... yet. But I sense that the more experience I have of this, the more solid it's getting.
How 'bout you?
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Hey PR - the insight shifted my reaction completely. It wiped the bad attitude away completely and I could look forward to the meeting and I enjoyed it.
I am not around much because I have been having trouble with a bunch of stuff including my internet interface card and several other aspects of the internet connectivity. SOOOO irritating - but helps with my computer addiction - lol.