Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival => Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board => Topic started by: Izzy_*now* on August 09, 2009, 01:48:31 AM
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hi all
I came to believe that the emotional pain I/we have experienced is far worse than the physical, i.e. verbal criticisms vs., the razor strap, as in my 70 years I have experienced both. It is the physical that adds to the emotional which can be life-lasting.
Nevertheless, it is 4 months + since that car hit me and every day has been physical pain. It stops me from talking openly with people in case I am seen as a whiner, which I never have been.
Today my therapist announced that her last day is August 29, and I still cannot move my leg, and am still in pain. Now Karla is the best by far and takes her orders from Jay, who set up my exercise program, at the request of Mary Jo who is the therapist assigned by ‘the enemy’. Originally MJo sent me a trainee who appeared clueless and I pointed things out that were not right. We parted Company.
Christine has been doing my housework, cleaning, laundry, garbage, washes my hair, groceries and we get along great, as well.
I have been so lazy: eat, sleep , make my meals and am on the computer reading about USA’s conspiracies and watching Susan Boyle morning noon and night: the breath of fresh air in this world of madness.
Days and nights drift together as I sit then I lie down, then I sit, then I lie down, I doze, I awaken and don’t know if it is morning or night.
Today, when Karla announced Aug 29, I thought, “How can anyone say in advance that “her leg will move and pain will be gone in 4+ months? I will have to demand more time, or have a ½ bum leg ….more of a bummer. That will change many things in my life and I am not happy about that, so I hope my lawyer, who comes, in 2 weeks, for the 2nd update , will put on the pressure. (I am not to even be speaking to Mary Jo, who is paid by the driver’s Insurance Company. The others ‘beneath’ her, I expect, are paid by her.
I had hallucinatory nightmares in the hospital from the anesthetic, morphine and other drugs. The N was out to kill me. I still have nightmares and he is always in them. I read online that a trauma can unleash the feelings/memories of previous traumas, so N is there and my family as well. Dead parents and all. Some are so bad they are with me all day, while the lesser ones are about ½ day.
At my age, I don’t know what I am to learn from this. I really don’t!! It’s the WHY? question. After all, I had the broken back 40 years ago and isn’t that enough? I wonder if in another 40 years when I am 110, I will be ‘taken out’ by a Mack Truck. I am alone but not lonely and have plenty of time to think and mull over, but no answers. Just a fluke?
Last night (well 3:00 am) I finally swaddled my thigh in an elastic bandage, not told to by therapist, just my idea and I slept longer for 2 more sessions, as it is usually pain that awakens me. I removed the 'swaddle' for her visit today, told her, then re-swaddled to go downtown,,,,, my first after therapy, all the other downtowns were before. This time my clavicle, pained from my tensing up for the leg pain in therapy. I was so happy to be home and crawl into nightgown and bed, at 4:30 pm. My life is a bit pathetic right now., but I have asked her to attend me re my car, the laundry room and getting into the tub. I can do all, but with much pain so am not ready to be alone. I expect 8 months and that is almost Xmas.
I read the Board, but am not very much into posting…only if something strikes me right off!
But , Yes, I am still around lurking
Please don’t forget me
Love Izzy
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(((Izzy)))
It's good and, right for you talk about your troubles and pains here.
I promise you.....
nobody in their right mind would ever think you're a whiner.
On the contrary,
you're our deserving hero, but......
even superhero's have bad times.
I'm so sorry you're suffering, for surely you are.
Speaking out about it is necessary, right and appropriate.
I haven't prayed for you lately, but right here, right now, before church and when I get to church,
you're at the top of my list.
You're so strong Izz......
you don't have to be that strong all the time......
and it's still OK.
((((Izzy))) I wish I could advocate for you.
MaryJo being in charge...... that seems asshat backwards, IMO.
YOU PEEP UP AND YOU PEEP UP OFTEN OR THEY'LL CONTINUE TO SHUFFLE YOU UNDER THE RUG!
You got that?
Ms. Izzy has my permission to speak often and firmly about the pain, suffering and lack of mobility she's suffered bc of the last accident and tokeep peeping up until she receives fair and just compensation and help.
::sturdy nod::
And that's how I feel about that.
Love you dear,
Mo2
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This is the place to come when you are in pain, Izzy. I am glad you are here and are posting even if it is in tough times! Ami
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Iz,
You're not forgotten dear one.
Like you, I'm pretty silent on the board. I have missed reading your stories and humor lately.
You are truly unforgettable, and I mean that in the most positive way.
Love,
tt
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For Izzy, with so much lllllllllloooooooooooovvvvvvvvvvvvveeeeeeeeeeee
(I am so terribly sorry about the pain.)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q8tRTZIx298 (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q8tRTZIx298)
Comfort, courage and thoughts of you often and always,
love
Hops
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nobody in their right mind would ever think you're a whiner.
Well, let me second that. I don't hear a whiner, just someone who is suffering and needs a place to vent. And this is the place.
I'm so sorry for all the pain that you're experiencing. I suffer from chronic pain myself, though nothing even close to what you're going through. One thing I know for sure, it really helps to let it out and talk about it. So please, don't feel that you're whining. Post away.
You say that you're alone, but you're not. I'm sending you a big squishy hug, whether you want one or not. :D
Hang in there.
Kathy
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Thank you all SO much for your kind posts,
Yes, Hops I am unforgettable as are the rest of you. We are a special bunch and I 'm sure we all know we come here for support and to support.
I am so fascinated with Susan Boyle's dream coming true. I posted above about an Aspergers sufferer, and I saw another gal about 42 who had been born with a cleft palate, and then of course, the 'hillbilly', Keviin Skinner, but I wonder if his chasing and catching 80,000 chickens was true? He sure made it sound that way.
Thanks again for your support. I'm just between movies....watched "Between" (I think was the name) "Taking Lives" and now "Death of a President".
Love
Izzy
PS Oh GREAT! A foreign language, with English sub-titles covered up by Japanese subtitles
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but my dear Kevin is honest as the moon!
He said six guys caught 80,000 in one night, each man catching 8 in each grab.
What a horrible, horrible way to make a living. And he did it for years.
I'll have to catch up on Susan Boyle and what she's up to!
Send me ANY links to wonderful undiscovered singers, any time...I love these stories so much.
Jamie Pugh (on BGT) was pretty amazing too, crippled by low self-esteem but what an audition.
love,
Hops
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Not Japanese sub-titles; )
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Hops
Paul Potts is my favorite. Ami
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Izzy... maybe I'm indulging in wishful thinking or just being a smart - A_ _ or just plain old out in left field.
Thought I'd ask anyway... does it seem to be "injury" pain or "healing pain"? There is, I think, a difference.
I have old shoulder pain from the rape... that only bothers me when I'm totally being mean to myself... or something triggers me.
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I'll say it again, Izzy.....
and you more than deserve to hear it.......
You've done an amazing job, coping, living with and overcoming.....
again and again.....
all that God's put before you.
Any one of us would be amazed to find half your strength,
half your wit,
half your enduring spirit.....
should we encounter half the hand you've been dealt.
Keep making music.....
stay the same endearing, outspoken, rational, independant, beer drinking concrete thinker.....
and keep sharing your journey, humor, thoughts, pain, opinions and all.
You're a dear friend, and a pillar of strength, to those who know you.
Honestly.....
you need to be reminded ((Izz))
Mo2
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Thanks PR
Gad! I am so sorry about your old pain still coming back to haunt you. Do you mean it is your frame of mind that brings it back?
I think my pain, on the upper thigh from knee to groin is healing pain, and any spot that burns/pains to the touch (even a terry cloth towel on my lap will cause the surface 'burn') is a healing pain. The pain in my groin though I believe to be the original from the break and invasion of muscles etc to install the hardware.
and Mo2
Thank you, too. You know I just don't have it in me to give up. Karla said that in all her reports, she says that I am always doing my level best in therapy. She's the greatest
She suggested, and I just did, writing to my lawyer and ask him to enquire with the 2 surgeons about how much intrusion into muscles etc. and can I be expected to regain the internal rotation of my knee so it will be as before. Karla wonders, so that makes me wonder. when lying flat, with legs straight my left knee automatically flops out. I can rotate in inward but the muscle is not strong enough to hold in , but pain is involved.
I don't know how long this pain is to last!
I get frustrated, but my mind will only so far--won't allow me to go into the depths of despair----over anything!
Thanks
Love
Izzy
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Who the heck's advocating for you, Izz?
If all the people working with you are working for the Defendant's Insurance Company.....
who's working for you?
M02
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My lawyer is!
He collects all the information that I cannot and compiles it.
It cannot be used until it is decided I have healed to where I was or if this is as far as I go! That is determined by the therapists to begin with, and somewhere along the line I will be evaluated by a Dr. of the enemy and one of my choosing.
It is not something that can be decided overnight, and when nothing further can be done the claim is filed and he submits all the reports, as well as the ones from me to him. He will be here next week.
Please get off the advocate kick. There isn't a Group for that. It is determined by how I was, how I ended up and all the reports on file of in-between. Surgeons, nurses, Care givers who see me weekly, and therapist 3 x weekly-
As long as the case is still open, I keep working at my therapy. If I don't it would be noted and I would be harming my claim/ myself.
My lawyer does nothing BUT Personal Injury Cases, has come head to head with ICBC and notes that they seldom go to Court. They settle, or will try. I suspect he would like to see me in Court.
How can anyone else but me, know what is going on? No book will explain it. Only I can--especially with the preexisting injury ending in partial paralysis, and no where on earth will anyone ever dig up information that I was less than independent, until this blow to the leg.
Perhaps this sounds blunt but I just got out of bed at 6"30 in pain (leg) and after therapy yesterday, pains in my clavicle area from straining to move the muscles over the pain. (second time.)
My lawyer says that no judge who hears this case will turn up his nose at my 40 years of being disabled and independent, just to be hit again, and have everyone and his brother traipsing all over my place to do what I used to do.
I cannot even wash my own hair, and I have done that weekly since I left the hospital for Rehab in the Fall of 1969.
There! I guess that was a rant!
Love
Izzy
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Yes, Iz... you're dead-on (how perceptive! especially in cyberspace!!)... it is exactly something emotional that I'm dealing with that causes the shoulder to act up - and it will hurt for days or until I "let it go" or resolve the problem another way. Usually I'm in a current situation that reminds me - triggers - old fears or anger and that in turn causes stress & anxiety and I'm not able in that situation to voice my feelings for fear of escalating the situation into something even more (and really) threatening. So this is "injury" pain for me. I'm working on communication a lot these days and it's helping. But it's also healing pain... in that if recognize the physical pain as a signal... I can up the efforts to let it go or troubleshoot the problem... and then the shoulder calms down.
Also, if I'm obsessing and analyzing - going over & over some old pain - and still denying my "real" feelings or avoiding accepting something... yup... the shoulder starts to hurt again. Once I find a way to "get on with it" - whatever "it" is - pain goes away.
The only physical treatment that has worked, so far, is deep tissue massage... but that's a last resort for me. It took me a long, long while to connect the shoulder pain with whatever emotional work I'm doing... and usually I'm bulldozing my way with all due speed through something - driving myself into being "wrapped too tight", ya know?
HEY - ya know what?? I think you've just given me a big, big clue about something I'm working on right now!! :D
You wise woman, you...
Thanks much... I have to "check it out" and then I'll report back.
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I'm glad there was a prod for you PR
The trauma that I'm experiencing, from something I read on trauma, can bring old traumas to the forefront. Well I have plenty of those and don't want to relive them, but one area is the extensive therapy that I went through to turn 2 paralyzed legs into 2 on which I could bear weight and use crutches for 34 of the 40 years.
My therapy now is much more understandable because of that, and I can talk about/draw a line between the state of my disability on Mar 26 then on Mar27 when I was struck down.
for Mo2
This is an excerpt from a lawyer's site (which is all that comes up in a Search re Advocacy) and you will likely find the same in the States,
can’t assess the value of the claim until they have healed and are happy in their medical condition and that they are back to doing everything they did before the accident in a pain free manner. If they are not going to make a 100 percent recovery, they are recovered to the point where their doctors can talk specifically about any problems they may have in the future. Then we get all the pertinent medical legal reports from the appropriate professionals, and put them together with other aspects of the claim such as future wage loss or future constant care. Then and only then can we get some idea of what their claim may be worth. How long this takes is really determined, as much as anything, by how long it takes the client to get better or to reach a state of ability that will be constant for the rest of his or her life.
Love
Iz
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Oh, Izzy,
I am only keeping up with reading the board these days...but I wanted you to know that we could never forget you. Please write as you can (but sleep as MUCH as you can). I can only imagine how long this convalescence must feel.
You seem so very brave to me. I am in awe of all that you have accomplished and against such odds. You are one of the strongest women I know.
Much love,
CB
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Thank you CB,
Perhaps I am stronger than I believe, but I do what I do in order to not be thought of as 'lazy, looking for pity, to get back what I lost (not always successful) and not wallow in what I 'could have done's'.
Next step is to see my Dr. and ask him every question imaginable, for the record, as I expect he won't have all the answers. I am taking a friend (my lady who helps around the house.) She will be my witness, so to speak, as I often wonder if this Dr. really listens to me.
I will ask for a blood test for the tremors, to see if I am 'lacking anything in particular'. Otherwise it will be as I have thought and it is the pain that brings them on.
I will ask his opinion on the pain, the therapy being done over the pain, the edema and being told to not wear anything on that leg (lower), such as knee high support hose, and ask if it's true that it will be with me forever. It never has before but now I am told differently.
For Aug 28:
1. I am up for review regarding more therapy, or stop
2. I am up for review for help around here (cutting down the hours I receive) with my chores.
I am not ready to be on my own, yet the head therapist in charge of my case makes these judgments from her office without seeing me in action, or non-action, and relies on the reports of others.
I am covering my bases in case I am left on my own for some things.
Thanks CB, and I do try for the healing sleep, but pain is what usually wrecks it. So I sleep in shifts and am fatigued!
Love
Izzy
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Ummmmmm... OK.
So,
the Plaintiff's Insurance Company has a woman......
sitting behind a desk.....
who decides whether or not the Insurance Company should spend more money on services for you.
And you know, from the past, that she pretty much wants you on your own and without services, regardless of your ability to function.
If I recall correctly, you had a leg with crumbling bones and hardware floating about when she tried to yank some of your services the first time.
I am just boiling thinking about this.
What on God's green earth made anyone think the souless opposing insurance companies should be in charge of injured people, esp those as seriously injured as you!?!?!
This reminds me of the time the hospital was trying to ship a loved one off the rehab when his brain was swelling dangerously and he couldn't even swallow!
He needed emergency surgery and a shunt..... not rehab!
There was no talking to them...... we had to end up with the emergency surgery...... dealing with the problem in a timely appropriate safe manner just wasn't an option and I still can't understand why that is.
I know one thing Izzy..... you have got to get over this refusal to whine and express your pain and need bc you perceive it as a shameful weakness.
In fact, you might want to overdo it a bit, just so they come close to providing enough help and services, KWIM?
They want to save a buck.
That's their goal.
They don't care about anything else.
Be your own advocate, Izz.
As foreign and uncomfortable as it is to show weakness and vulnerability......
please don't put up a strong front any longer.
Please speak out about the pain and difficulties.
Don't give them one inch of wiggle room they shouldn't have.
Can you do that?
Please?
Mo2
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hi Mo2
Sure the Insurance Co. is trying to save a buck, but if I am NOT looked after and returned to my original state, my claim goes from $50,000 to $500,000. Then I see my own therapist, with my doctor's referral and that is FREE in Canada. I can also hire whoever I want to do whatever I want, spend what I want and still add to my legacy.
So I have been honestly trying, and have told about the pain, and I cannot believe you would think I wouldn't look out for my own best interests with a lawyer who will do all the fancy talking (advocating) about loss, pain and suffering, for me. This will be either in or out of court.
Btw, I am the Plaintiff, the guy who hit me is the Defendant and we both are insured with ICBC.
Not 'regardless of your ability to function" She just has never been through this herself, and might never have had a case like mine before. I've been setting her straight all along, what with 'firing' the first trainee therapist she provided, for manipulating my leg too soon. She reinstated my hours after cutting me down too soon, re household chores, and I told her that doing this without seeing me was a travesty.
I thank you sincerely for thinking about my best interests,
Love
Izzy
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I meant to say Defendant's insurance company.
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You need lullabies:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zZHrbjhwKik
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YtZUM0JhLvc
(The last is one of my favorite UU hymns...)
Sweet, sweet rest to you tonight, sweet Izzy, with much easing, gently, gently, float into peace and deep deep rest...
love to you,
Hops
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Thank you Hops
"In the Arms of an Angel" is played locally in a commercial for rescued animals. That and a little 3-legged kitten made me cry.
In the morning it is difficult to remember (when it happens every night) but last night I was up but once in 8½ hours sleep.
Lullabies for Izzy
Love
Iz
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It took me a long, long while to connect the shoulder pain with whatever emotional work I'm doing... and usually I'm bulldozing my way with all due speed through something - driving myself into being "wrapped too tight", ya know?
AHA... sometimes I just need to listen to what I'm explaining to someone else. I'm not being kind to myself when I'm driving myself on through something - emotional or otherwise. And then, my body reacts by "hurting".
Iz: do you feel that your recovery is taking longer than it should? Did anyone give you an estimate on how long you'd experience pain? Due to what, I wonder? Nerve endings resetting? And what relieves the pain - have you found any relief? I just wonder if there is another inadvertant side effect to being re-injured, surgeries, etc that the docs haven't started to take seriously...
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(((((((((((Izzy))))))))))))
Just sending you a hug. I know how pain can really drain one and make it almost impossible to focus on other things in life. I pray that you will start feeling better soon.
Love, Beth
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From out of the jungle comes the cry of a constipated ape!-UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
hi PR,
Different kinds of strains can make the body physically hurt, emotional strain and physical strain. I was doing therapy and doing what the ape was --tensing up and using every muscle to just rotate my knee inward, and ended up with a strain in my shoulder. When I told the therapist, she said I didn't need my arms, just lay them flat over my head and relax (instead of down by my side and pushing them into the bed). Well that's what therapists are for, to make sure we do it right. Once we learn, we more or less remember for another time. and we must learn it for ourselves, so we can see that it fits. Until then we don't know.
With a preexisting injury and partial paralysis, places where there is no pain (below the knees on down) then places where it is mixed, and osteoporotic bones that began after 40 years ago (from the waist to the knees) I am sure no one can estimate for sure when I'll be totally healed, and when there is pain, there is bone healing. No one would want to estimate and I can understand that.
I think the able-bodied heal faster, as I've read forums, but not sure. One stopped taking pain pills and went horse back riding just to break out again in extreme pain at 5 months. I am 4 ½ now. They talk about when they walk again and some are in 2-3 weeks, but I'm not to walk again---so I think there is no comparing. Someone said about getting the juices flowing, and get healing. All I have is therapy. Plus I require good solid sleep.
I had the 2 intrusions of surgery, to insert the hardware and to remove it. That's messing with muscles and nerves and stitching and re-stitching-- meaning I have 3 incisions that I didn't need; not a mistake, as many SCord injured people have the hardware. What I am guessing, since my damaged wheelchair went missing, and ICBC wouldn't buy me a new one until I produced my damaged one, but couldn't, I used an old decrepit 16" wide chair, and my swelling hip landed over the turning wheel right at the biggest incision, and I tried to watch/protect it. That might have been the cause of the infection. Therefore, ICBC did not take my word for it and was slow/late in bringing me an 18" wide loaner, and by now I think the damage was done (the infection started).
I tell my lawyer all this stuff so he knows exactly what happened, and I showed him my old wheelchair with the left side of the seat missing 3 bolts so that I couldn't sit straight and my hip lowered over the wheel.
Mine is a long involved story, and I'm sure in posting I have left out things than happened, in the interest of brevity, but I have a journal about it all.
So as a lay person I could say the first surgery was unnecessary, or I could say that I wouldn't have had the infection and the second surgery if ICBC brought me a loaner chair right away, for use when I got home. A Dr. might spin this differently, but I give my lawyer the ammunition to argue the point...and my story on my damaged wheelchair being stolen by/from the hospital. Even damaged, it was my property.
So am I... 3½ months or 4½... counting 2 surgeries 1 month apart?
I must just be patient and calm and not be tense.
and Beth,
Thank you. I do feel a little self-absorbed, being all about me, but everything requires examination and perhaps notation. Pain is very draining and frustrating. My best position is sitting. I have but 2 positions. In bed I pain more.
I am thinking 8-9 months, so am only ½-way into this.
Love
Izzy
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Hi Iz,
Wanted you to know that I'm thinking of you.
Looking forward to another of your entertaining stories from the past, whenever you feel up to it.
Keep us posted on how you're doing in the now, also as you feel up to it.
Love,
tt
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Thanks tt,
I have a few laughs now but not the same as before. The funniest for Christine is that she must remember to dust my bathtub, as it is just collecting dust like everything else, except the 2 sinks.
I have a nervous habit now of picking at my ear. It was dry skin itch at first but now is very sore. I see the Dr. on Tuesday next and it will be a substitute one from my regular , less than forthright, GP.
I spend most of my time at the computer at amusing sites with pictures and videos of bloopers and jokes, and also watching movies, play a few games and email.
I have become quite lazy, with all my work being done for me, and wonder how things will be for whenever I am healed.
Keep in touch too, because How are things with you?
xx
Izzy
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Hi Iz,
Things are mostly good with me. As far as I'm able to judge, with the breaking of a few obnoxious habits, I'd be really good! :lol:
tt