Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival => Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board => Topic started by: Lupita on August 11, 2009, 09:50:38 AM
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This is interesting because she mentions how they show envy by minimizing the accomplshments.
Most of it, "I am so great and you are not"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2oxJf9MXidY
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She says that it seems more frequently in men than in women. That is interesting too. I personally know more women N than men.
This other doctor adivises to avoide the relationship. You do not exist for the N. You are zero.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bQaYf62M4wk&feature=related
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=McXr57fPKtQ&feature=channel
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Thanks Lupita. I just watched the first one, and it was VERY informative.
That was always my N mother's tactic - to minimize the accomplishment. She never wanted me to have a college degree, clearly out of envy because she didn't have one herself. She was extremely jealous of her siblings because they had degrees, and that "she never got to have one." She would talk like a college degree was something that was given to you, not earned. She paid a fortune to put my brother, the GC, through college, but wouldn't help me, so I had to save up the money myself.
I worked like heck and finally got my MBA at 40. She refused to congratulate me, and instead tried to trivialize it, telling me that college degrees were useless, that I wouldn't get ahead, that I had wasted money that could have been better spent on something important, etc. She trivialized all of my other accomplishments, too, but the college degree really seemed to hit a nerve with her.
Should add . . . I have also known/heard of more Ns being women than men.
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Kathy, it is sad to hear your story. Mine too. Like you, my mother bought a car for my brother and a car for my sister. I had to buy my first car and any car I had.
And now I am just trying to overcome the feeling or abandonement. Just that. The "why me" is over. Now I am learning to enforce boundaries.
Congratulations for your MBA, that is a major accomplishment. You are one of the few that can have one. You are a very special person. I admire very much people who work toward their education.
Bravo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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That was always my N mother's tactic - to minimize the accomplishment. She never wanted me to have a college degree, clearly out of envy because she didn't have one herself. She was extremely jealous of her siblings because they had degrees, and that "she never got to have one." She would talk like a college degree was something that was given to you, not earned. She paid a fortune to put my brother, the GC, through college, but wouldn't help me, so I had to save up the money myself.
Hey Kathy. I also have an MBA. When I first started in graduate school my father told me I needed to pursue something "that actually has some market value, like a paralegal certificate". I figured out later the guy couldn't stand to see me achieve anything equal or higher than his education. And other than a formal handshake sort of gesture after I graduated, he has never acknowledged my college degrees. He'll often start to "explain" ideas and concepts that any college graduate has learned by sophomore year, as if I've never had any education. He's more subtle than a lot of N's, but in recent years I've figured out his behavior is covertly abusive.
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This is great, Lupita. I never knew U tube had this type of thing. It seems like N could be described as pathological envy. I know I experienced this with my M.I was scared to death of shining yet I wanted to make her proud so I tried to shine just not too much. UUURRGGHH Ami
PS It is really depressing on some of the other videos how hopeless it is .
Look at the PsychDocterate one. It is depressing as Hell.
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Hello Kathy,
I too understand.. When I graduated nusrning school, my NM showed up late and wore headphones (listening to her favorite show) during the entire ceremony.
When I earned credits from an online program, and showed MN my certificates, they were met with skepicismand incredulity. As if they were a fabrication!
I have existed only to mirror my NM. They are incapable of love, empty vessels. I admit that :D I have given up on them to save my own sanity. Had the classic "nervous breakdown" many years ago, and realized that they are not worth renting space in my head.
Congratulations on your degree! I send love, validation and (((hugs))) your way!
I am a newbie of sorts on this board. Indiered :D
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Dearsest Lupita,
I do understand...I do... I am an ACBOR...An adult child born of rape. Just imagine for a moment the shame and emotional abuse that I have been through as a result of my birth. Never wanted, and to find out that my biological F assaulted my NM and I was a result of a violent rape. All of my abuse from NM began to make sense...I was bad, and the punishment for him was projected onto me!! My perceptions were never validated! Only my elders who have since passed on acknowledged what was happening to me and offered validation and whatever protection they could. I have read on this board that N's behavior intensifies after the death of their elders, this is so true.
It was such a secret... that I was born as the result of rape... I feel so sorry for her...as I need to be a failure to make up for what she endured at my bio F hands. My NM has murdered me many times over all under a cloak of love.
I have endured the spectrum of abuse from A-Z. My siblings know the true story of my conception and deal with me as such....the bad seed.
Lupita you are loved and appreciated.. It is a miracle of our creator that we have survived.Indiered
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This other doctor adivises to avoide the relationship. You do not exist for the N. You are zero.
In a sense that is true, we are here for the N's, but here for one reason and that is for them. They are emotionally children, if you have a child, baby, then do you not exist for them? Well that is how the N's see us, they are acting out the childhood drama of "needing." They are emotional infants acting out what never got fullfilled for them, the need to be seen, heard, deeply loved, valued, wanted and seen as absolutely precious in someone's eyes. They must had had N parents, just like us.
I have spent a great deal of time in my life wanting to be seen, heard, valued, wanted, cared for in tenderness, and loved, deeply as precious. But since these needs did not get fullfilled, as I expected, (sometimes because I JUST failed), then I turned to other ways. Some of those ways were Nish, self destructive and for long periods and still can plague me. But, in the end, what I had to turn to was blind Hope and facing the losses of those things, the loss of love and all that it contained.
Below is something that I wrote two years ago (on a thread I started titled "Average"), when I was awakening to a deeper level of Nishiness in me...allowing myself to fully experience the loss of love rather than act it out. Am I better today, yes. Can I love more and give more to others in empathy and compassion, yes. It may sound boring but learning to love others has brought more fulfillment to me than seeking to get love.
Me: Two year ago...
As a little baby I needed affirming and that IS what I
got, but what was affirmed was not that I was lovable
and good but rather a deep belief that I was and that
I am bad.
Why, because once I was a little bundle of big needs
and strong emotions; it was all that I could identify
myself with and it was more than my N mom could handle.
In the tenderness of my early childhood my needs were
rejected by the displeasure they caused my mom
therefore confirming the that I must be
bad. Then comes the rage that a little baby feels
when her needs don't get met, a rage that if expressed
causes a stronger reaction of displeasure from my mom.
My rage got pushed down and lately is has been up, my
arms burn and my heart aches, we can't heal what we
can't feel.
Today, as an adult, when I don't get my needs met or
someone squishes me by belittlement, it pushes old
buttons (which I try not to react to) but instead I
stay with the process and feel my old hurt and anger.
I look to see how I am still acting out the drama of
my childhood, the unfulfilled wishes and needs to be
seen, to be heard and to be understood and to be
valued.
As a baby and child I was voiceless and deep inside,
at times, my actions still scream from that place of
my murdered soul....
My nights have been dark, I have been reliving the
earliest years of my life, refelling the terror and
the loneliness I experienced as a baby.
I can't reach out for anything anymore (although I still do), not
relationships, not medications, not conforming,
food, or shopping and I can't act out (even
though I still do) Realistically, I
will be acting out and healing for the rest of my
life.
Today, I have to reach into my little girl, let her
rage and express all that was unexpressed and mourn
her losses all the while silently screaming and
reaching up to God to hear and to hold me. When I
become intense...others run for the hills, it is hard
to accept each other especially when we are in our
pain. The one thing that allows me to get moving on
with my life is compassion. If I don't get it from
others than I give it to myself.
God's love and Mercy can reach into our deepest wounds and
heal us. All of this healing started for me last
Spring when I started looking again at my behaviors
and became willing to let go of some attachments. Some
of our wounds are deeper and different, but the
mourning is the same.
But we all need. We need to be loved, some just more than others.
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Kathy, it is sad to hear your story. Mine too. Like you, my mother bought a car for my brother and a car for my sister. I had to buy my first car and any car I had.
Yes, same for me. Both my brother and sister were given cars and college educations. I had to work for what I got. It REALLY angered my mother that I managed to get those things despite her. I think it was one more reason that she refused to acknowledge my accomplishments. I was supposed to fail, and I didn't. She saw that as an act of defiance, that I went to college just to hurt her. Everything I accomplished in life, she saw as an act of revenge against her. Not something I did for myself, but something I did to stick it to her.
That said, I firmly believe that we appreciate the things we have far more when we have worked to earn them ourselves. My brother, the GC, was given 10 years worth of college, an all-expense paid apartment, and brand new car to go to school. He totally took it for granted, to the point where he quit school only two classes shy from earning his doctorate. He got a job offer, and just dropped out. It didn't mean anything to him because it was Mom's money, so whatever.
And other than a formal handshake sort of gesture after I graduated, he has never acknowledged my college degrees.
SilverLining, that's what I went through. Ten years later, she STILL will not acknowledge my degree. My NM has terminal cancer, and probably only a few months to live. I know that she will die without ever congratulating me, or acknowledging it in any way. Power until the very end. She'll die happier knowing that she "got to me," than to have to do the unthinkable and say that one word: "Congratulations."
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I too understand.. When I graduated nusrning school, my NM showed up late and wore headphones (listening to her favorite show) during the entire ceremony.
Hi Indiered, and welcome to the board. I'm so sorry you had to go through that. Yet, so very typical of Ns. My mother totally blew off my high school graduation because she was mad at me for something (I think for growing up). She gave me a card saying that the family was "boycotting" my graduation. What a weird word to use - boycott - but she had this limited vocabulary, and these same words would come up over and over.
Ugh! That's just awful. Your special day, and she wore headphones. These people are just evil.
Kathy
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I have read on this board that N's behavior intensifies after the death of their elders, this is so true.
Yes! I read this somewhere online, and it has definitely rung true for me. My grandmother always had my back, and within weeks of her death, M turned up the heat on her abuse big time. That's when I had to go NC. It became unbearable. There was no longer anyone to keep her in line, so she went completely out of control.
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Dear indiered
I am so sorry you went through the pain of ACBOR. My heart hurt when I read it. I am so glad you are sharing on the Board and very glad you are here ! XXOO Ami
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Thank you Ami,
I have been hovering around this board for a very long time Too fearful to even register. All of you have been a anchor for me for so long. It has been a long and horrific journey. These Ns are very cunning and adept at their manipulations and cruelty. I will share more of my story very soon.
Luv Indiered
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Gabben,
Yes, I can identify with the rage of needs unfulfilled. So..I have this emptiness inside that I am attempting to fill up in unhealthy ways. The first step for me is awareness, then acknowledgement.
There were times that I went "medium chill" with for my sanity, and was met with an onslaught of condemnation and dire predictions. Has anyone been hit over the head with quotes from the bible or other religious texts? If I stand up for myself, I'm not honoring my mother and father that my days shall be long upon the earth? It's very interesting how Ns can always find passages that apply to others but not for themselves. They are accountable to no one, not even G-D. Give an N a little biblical knowledge and they run hog wild! For ex. an NH will spew all the verses about the wife submitting to him but will selectively omit the verses about how husbands ought to love their wives as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her. Oh ! please don't try to make them see anything they don't wish to see.
I find that most Ns are masters of deception. Pious self seeking worms. They can be anyone and found everywhere. They visit the sick, preach from the pulpit, scout leaders or a CEO. Their exterior is that of warmth and compassion, but inwardly they are the very personification of evil.
I ask all of you to watch the first 30 minutes of Now Voyager, a Bette Davis movie from the 40s. It will send chills down your spine...a classic case of a controlling NM. Notice how the extended family interacts with poor aunt Charlotte (Bette Davis). Bette eventually succumbs to a nervous breakdown,the mother says"no member of the Vale family has ever had a break down"!
As stated previously, I am an ACBOR, an adult child born of rape. Every tactic known has been used to destroy me. Because of the circumstances surrounding my birth, I have some compassion on my NM. In those days, counselling and therapy was seen as an indulgence for the rich or weak. I was given away for the first three years of my life to a wonderful family. NM reclaimed me after that..
Wish all of you well. Thank you for welcoming me to the board! Indired
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You might want to take a look at this book.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iFcW_xhlCQE
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I find that most Ns are masters of deception. Pious self seeking worms. They can be anyone and found everywhere. They visit the sick, preach from the pulpit, scout leaders or a CEO. Their exterior is that of warmth and compassion, but inwardly they are the very personification of evil.
This made me laugh, and I really needed that today.
I'm going to look into that movie, I love bette davis and classics.
It seems that what you are talking about in terms of scripture quotes etc, bible, is a form of spiritual abuse. Know one really likes to be preached to...that much.
Scripture should comfort us when we are disturbed and disturb us when we are too comfortable, or awaken us.
I read scripture to comfort me, to help me see, for guidance as well as it is just interesting to me...there is much there. I try to be very careful when giving scripture to others, especially the wounded. Alice Miller talks a lot about honoring our parents and the damage that can do to us abused. It is a balance that I have to learn, that my mom did do damage and it hurt me and I need to talk about it....forgiveness is hard and takes time.
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She never wanted me to have a college degree, clearly out of envy because she didn't have one herself.
JustKathy,
My mom did the same to me and my sister, tried to sabotage our college. My sister had just moved away from home at 18 to attend college 500 mile away, her first time being on her own with my mom's promise to her to pay her rent and tuition. After her first month of school my mom called her up to tell her that she could no longer pay for anything or help her in anyway, she left my sister stranded, afraid and unable to complete her schooling that year. My sister did complete her schooling, it took her 8 years to get her 4 year degree, she worked her way as a waitress, taking time off as needed. I respect my sister for that.
Then, when I was 19 I began taking classes at the local college, my mom said that she would help me, then, suddenly, my mom informs the family that she has decided to stop working and start attending college full time; right when I am tyring to attend college. It was clearly a competitive thing between my mom and me. What made it worse was when after I dropped out due to a breakdown of FOO pain, my mom would beat me up for it and throw it over my head, making me feel bad as she constantly reminded me of her schooling and how much fun she was having being a full time student again.
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I find that most Ns are masters of deception. Pious self seeking worms. They can be anyone and found everywhere. They visit the sick, preach from the pulpit, scout leaders or a CEO. Their exterior is that of warmth and compassion, but inwardly they are the very personification of evil.
This made me laugh, and I really needed that today.
I'm going to look into that movie, I love bette davis and classics.
It seems that what you are talking about in terms of scripture quotes etc, bible, is a form of spiritual abuse. Know one really likes to be preached to...that much.
Scripture should comfort us when we are disturbed and disturb us when we are too comfortable, or awaken us.
I read scripture to comfort me, to help me see, for guidance as well as it is just interesting to me...there is much there. I try to be very careful when giving scripture to others, especially the wounded. Alice Miller talks a lot about honoring our parents and the damage that can do to us abused. It is a balance that I have to learn, that my mom did do damage and it hurt me and I need to talk about it....forgiveness is hard and takes time.
I find that most Ns are masters of deception. Pious self seeking worms. They can be anyone and found everywhere. They visit the sick, preach from the pulpit, scout leaders or a CEO. Their exterior is that of warmth and compassion, but inwardly they are the very personification of evil.
This made me laugh, and I really needed that today.
I'm going to look into that movie, I love bette davis and classics.
It seems that what you are talking about in terms of scripture quotes etc, bible, is a form of spiritual abuse. Know one really likes to be preached to...that much.
Scripture should comfort us when we are disturbed and disturb us when we are too comfortable, or awaken us.
I read scripture to comfort me, to help me see, for guidance as well as it is just interesting to me...there is much there. I try to be very careful when giving scripture to others, especially the wounded. Alice Miller talks a lot about honoring our parents and the damage that can do to us abused. It is a balance that I have to learn, that my mom did do damage and it hurt me and I need to talk about it....forgiveness is hard and takes time.
Dear Gabben,
Yes I agree, the scriptures are a wonderful source of comfort to many as they were meant to be. A source of hope and a beacon to those who are hurting. Unfortunately G-Ds word has been used and abused. As a child, we don't have the knowledge to interpret the Word as it was intended.
As a young person, I joined a very legalistc and controlling church (I wonder why? lol). I learned alot and felt very comforted there. I stayed for over 12 years.This group maintained that only those of us in this movement were "saved". I felt uncomfortable with the judgemental attitude towards anyone not belonging to this denomination. Eventually I left, and felt under so much condemnation for leaving. After years of rules that only seemed to apply to women, it was a struggle to wear a pair of pants, use makeup, etc..
My comments were directed towards those Ns that use the word to manipulate and control others unjustly.
I have seen this in my own family. Ex NH has become a decon in his new wifes church. As a decon, part of his duties are, to visit the sick and shut ins. I find it very interesting that he doesn't visit his own children or show regular concern for them.
Religion is the opiate of the people, it's a relaionship with the Creator that matters. Allowing ourselves to be comforted intimes of trouble, a friend that sticks closer than a brother. The giver of all wisdom and light.
These lyrics helped to carry me through many a storm:
If it had not been for the Lord
who was on my side!
Where would I be?
Somebody tell me!
Where would I be?
I truly believe that it was my creator that heard me and led me to this board. I am grateful in my heart for all of you, that share such intimate details of your lives. You continue to help thousands and shall receive due reward. I give thanks for my true Enlightened Witness! Indiered
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"I truly believe that it was my creator that heard me and led me to this board. I am grateful in my heart for all of you, that share such intimate details of your lives. You continue to help thousands and shall receive due reward. I give thanks for my true Enlightened Witness!"
Indiered,
Welcome, it is good to have you here.
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Thank you Gabben,
I feel a sense of overwhelming peace in my heart. I will be spending time with NFOO this weekend, and yet... there is a peace that surpasses all understanding within me. It is but for a short time, I can withstand anything because I know my redeemer lives within me.
I send love to all of you. Indired
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Hi indiered, the best thing you can have is peace. Congratulations for that. This board has plainty of people eager to help.
God bless!!!
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Thank you Lupita,
I wish the same for all on the board. Have a wonderful weekend!
Indired
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I feel a sense of overwhelming peace in my heart. I will be spending time with NFOO this weekend, and yet... there is a peace that surpasses all understanding within me. It is but for a short time, I can withstand anything because I know my redeemer lives within me.
Hi Indie. That's how I am trying to handle my NFOO. A guru I once read said everything in life is either a blessing or a trial, and all has it's place. For some people the FOO is a pleasurable blessing, necessarily short term, and for others it a means to steer us back to something higher and longer lasting.
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Thank you Silverlining,
I am still evolving and learning. The fog is clearing from my life. I have come to a place of accepting
the fact that I never had and never will have a healthy FOO.
The turning point for me... is time.. and the lack thereof. I am getting older Silver, and I realized that if I am to enjoy the rest of my life, I need to accept what cannot be changed. I have spent decades (wasted) enmeshed in unhealthy expectations of Ns. Once I allowed myself to accept.. I mean Really accept the fact I was (am) not loved , and cared for by these Ns, I had to make many life changing decisions.
1: Accept that they are incapable of giving me what I need
2: I must take responsibility for my own life and happiness
3: I have the right to protect myself
4: Make healthier relationships
5: To give of myself to others
6: Deepen my spiritual walk
7: To laugh often and well
8: To nurture the child within
9: Learn something new each day
10: To be thankful for what I have
Many decades have passed, and I find myself truly weary of this tangled web. It has affected my children in many, many ways. They (my children), are all adults now and have through their own observations, cut off all contact with NG. Of course I was to blame, but what else is new with Ns.
The key point is, after much agonizing, I want to live, not perfectly, but to live non the less. How extraordinarily painful to fully realize that, I have been systematically driven to madness by my own M.
I choose how much interaction I can tolerate, when and where. No longer am I surprised with well planned ambushes. I do only what I feel comfortable doing.
I literally see them as souless zombies, the living dead. Incapable of genuine feelings, empathy, or care. The entourage are puppets on strings. How can I react to inanimate objects? I hear sounds coming from them, nod appropriately.... It has become so tedious and boring. The same tactics over five decades.
They say that at the end, your life flashes before you. That was profound for me! I imagined myself drowning, what would flash before me? My children, grands, a million and one hurtful experiences with NM???? No!! I resolve to fill up my life with loving, and kind experiences. I have given way too much away. We have power and choices, and I like those odds!
A little story to share:
Several decades ago, I worked for a highend dept store as a sales clerk. Needless to say the pay was minimum in those days. Young, married with one child.
I fell in love with a silver tea service, and waited for it to go on sale, praying that no one would buy it first! After many months it was put on sale and with my employee discount, it was finally mine!
This tea service was my first adult accomplishment and I was so proud of myself. To me it was also a symbol of hope that our lives would improve.
Several years passed, and life did improve for us, but that tea service still held a place in my heart.
Well NM paid a visit and just carried on and on about it.... so...I decided to make a gift of it to her.
She knew the story and the significance of it (to me). To make a long story short, she promptly relegated the tea service to her back yard! When I next saw it, it was covered with dents and rust!!
The moral of this story:
I will let you come to your own conclusions!
:lol: Indiered Live Well and Prosper (Quote from DR Spock Star Trek)
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Thank you Lupita for starting this thread!
Indiered
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Hello Indiered,
Nice to have you here. :)
Thank you Silverlining,
I am still evolving and learning. The fog is clearing from my life. I have come to a place of accepting
the fact that I never had and never will have a healthy FOO.
The turning point for me... is time.. and the lack thereof. I am getting older Silver, and I realized that if I am to enjoy the rest of my life, I need to accept what cannot be changed. I have spent decades (wasted) enmeshed in unhealthy expectations of Ns. Once I allowed myself to accept.. I mean Really accept the fact I was (am) not loved , and cared for by these Ns, I had to make many life changing decisions.
1: Accept that they are incapable of giving me what I need
2: I must take responsibility for my own life and happiness
3: I have the right to protect myself
4: Make healthier relationships
5: To give of myself to others
6: Deepen my spiritual walk
7: To laugh often and well
8: To nurture the child within
9: Learn something new each day
10: To be thankful for what I have
Many decades have passed, and I find myself truly weary of this tangled web. It has affected my children in many, many ways. They (my children), are all adults now and have through their own observations, cut off all contact with NG. Of course I was to blame, but what else is new with Ns.
The key point is, after much agonizing, I want to live, not perfectly, but to live non the less. How extraordinarily painful to fully realize that, I have been systematically driven to madness by my own M.
I choose how much interaction I can tolerate, when and where. No longer am I surprised with well planned ambushes. I do only what I feel comfortable doing.
I literally see them as souless zombies, the living dead. Incapable of genuine feelings, empathy, or care. The entourage are puppets on strings. How can I react to inanimate objects? I hear sounds coming from them, nod appropriately.... It has become so tedious and boring. The same tactics over five decades.
They say that at the end, your life flashes before you. That was profound for me! I imagined myself drowning, what would flash before me? My children, grands, a million and one hurtful experiences with NM???? No!! I resolve to fill up my life with loving, and kind experiences. I have given way too much away. We have power and choices, and I like those odds!
A little story to share:
Several decades ago, I worked for a highend dept store as a sales clerk. Needless to say the pay was minimum in those days. Young, married with one child.
I fell in love with a silver tea service, and waited for it to go on sale, praying that no one would buy it first! After many months it was put on sale and with my employee discount, it was finally mine!
This tea service was my first adult accomplishment and I was so proud of myself. To me it was also a symbol of hope that our lives would improve.
Several years passed, and life did improve for us, but that tea service still held a place in my heart.
Well NM paid a visit and just carried on and on about it.... so...I decided to make a gift of it to her.
She knew the story and the significance of it (to me). To make a long story short, she promptly relegated the tea service to her back yard! When I next saw it, it was covered with dents and rust!!
The moral of this story:
I will let you come to your own conclusions!
Indiered Live Well and Prosper (Quote from DR Spock Star Trek)
Your post has touched me in a special place, my heart and conscience. Thank you again for your peaceful post. seasons
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Thank you Seasons for our warm welcome. Indiered
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idiered,
The best part of your story is that you are not ruminating, you are not stuck in the past, you are moving on and goging forwad towards a better future. That is the way to go. Bravo for you.
BRAVO!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Hi Indiered,
What Lupita said, plus...
Just occured to me reading your thread that in fact, maybe it's our inner N that sabotages us and minimizes our own accomplishments. She/They taught us that reflex.
And we can UN-learn it, by loving and befriending ourselves.
I think sometimes when I think "love myself" there's a strain to it...as in, feel this certain emotion toward myself by forcing it out past obstacles, boulders of sabotage. Whereas when I think "befriend myself" I imagine not someone who's enmeshed with me, but someone who cares and is present and curious.
My friends' well-being doesn't depend on me being at peace or constructive. They are okay as they are. So if I adopt the same role and befriend myself, then I have a compassionate, curious, gentle companion who is sincerely interested in how I'm doing, where my thoughts are going, and whether I'm demoralized or allowing myself to to the next square foot.
But who isn't adding to the pressure.
love,
Hops
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Thank you Hopalong, Seasons, and Lupita for your kind words.
Just returned from spending time with NFOO. It was very enlightening for me. First, I envisioned
myself surrounded by an invisible forcefield. None of the old tactics, gestures or ridicule can penetrate and get to me. I see myself as present, but more as an observer, as if I were peeking in through a keyhole or window. Just some "survival tactics" that I recently put into motion:
1: Practice calm facial expressions in the mirror.
2: Write down answers to typical button pushing comments.
3: Make sure I'm rested and not hungry.
4: Do something pleasant before any interactions with N.
5: Do something pleasurable after any interactions with Ns.
6: Silence can be a most effective tool.
7: Remain grounded in reality.
8: There is always the door. I can leave. Calmly!
9: Magical thinking is for children, I am an adult!
10: Their opinions do not define me or my reality.
11: I am not responsible for their behavioral issues.
12: Do not spend an inordinate amount of time thinking about any incidents or comments made.
This list might sound tiresome, but for me it has become like breathing..easy and flowing.
We don't give great thought to what our bodies do automatically, but these responses cause us live!
There was one tight moment this weekend, but it came and went, without me disintergrating as usual. With Ns there will always be a tight moment or two, or maybe 100! (lol!).
And no, I'm not so smart or even that well read.. I just became truly tired of it all. As I said in a previous post, too many decades of this dance macabre has gone on. I'm getting up there, it's now or never to claim some happiness for myself.
They say that all of us have an aura about our being. I want to exhibit a clean and beautiful one. An aura that will attract and not repel people. I want a healthy 3D life! It's up to me to do the work. Ns occupy less and less of my thought life.
I identify with Helen, I absolutely love trees and nature in general. While driving across country this weekend (with FOO), I marveled at the beauty of the countryside. Farmers selling their corn, all manner of fruits and vegetables. Oh! and the horses and cows! I was so immersed in the beauty that was before me, I didn't allow myself time to be intangled in the web. BUT! Ns can't just leave you be... N took this opportunity ( remember I'm in their car for 12 hours!), to bring up a devastating incident that had taken place several decades ago! At first I felt like the proverbial "deer in headlights", WHATTTT! Then after a few awkward moments, I remembered the steps above, and all was well (with me anyway). So you see I'm not there yet, but I'm trying. Years ago I would have been consumed by rage, making myself very unpleasant to be around! Nope! I won't go down that road again (I hope not).
I guess I seemed too peaceful, enjoying myself, they needed their N supply, to knock me down and snap me out of not being engrossed in them!
Hate takes alot of energy. You have to keep focus on the person or persons you feel have wronged you. Then what? Hate takes a toll on your physical and emotional health. What or where can you go with hate? Yes, plan revenge? That takes up more of our thought process. Suppose the object of your hate is deceased? Then they are still controlling and able to manipulate us from the grave.
One day, along, long time ago...I was thinking about a nasty series if incidents with NFOO...and you know what I realized??? They were all either on cruises, flying around the world, or in some exotic place ENJOYING themselves!!!!! And here I was, sitting in my house miserable!!! Now understand me, it was not their fault that I was in that state..but what I believed about myself. I had allowed the fiery darts to penetrate my being that I was not worthy!! Hops if you're reading this, I have to agree our inner Ns damaged us. Healthy sense of self esteem was never nurtured. I unwittingly conspired in my own downfall. An example, I love horses, there is a stable not far from my home. I used to go and just sit and watch the youngsters have their riding lessons. What happened to me doing the things that I love to do? NO! I cannot allow any more time to be wasted with what will NEVER be!! Life isn' just for Ns!!!
Love and best wishes to all on board the board Indired :D
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Just wanted to add something to the post above.
I hope that I didn't come off as being "preachy" about hate. I was only expressing my experience. Emotions are real and should be respected, no matter what. Fed on it for decades, but it left me lonely, and miserable. Indiered
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Indiered, that was an excellent post. In fact, I am going to print it and study it as exercise for daily purposes. It helps me when children disrespect me at owrk, I work with teen agers and they are horrible some times. So, your post is an excellent help for me, not only with Ns but with life in general. Low energy people are all over the place. You need to do that with any low energe people athat are arouind you.
Thank you.
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Superb.
That is leadership and I am grateful for your checklist.
Boy, you really tested yourself with a 12-hour drive with them!
Kudos on staying inside your body and enjoying beauty.
VERY impressive.
off to work,
Hops
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Wow. That is a great list Indie. I've been stumbling my way toward a few of these methods over the years. On my last NFOO visit I spent a lot of time just sitting back watching the birds and animals outside go by as the N's went about their self absorbed babbling. I've found I can get to a place of detachment where it becomes more sad than damaging to me. I still have a lot of trouble keeping away from replaying old incidents in my head (Item 12). It's almost as if I do it to remind myself to not get caught believing things ever really change with the FOO.
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Thanks to all who replied to my posts.
I have a long road ahead to healing. Have learned so much from all on this board. I am truly grateful. Indiered
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Thanks to all who replied to my posts.
I have a long road ahead to healing. Have learned so much from all on this board. I am truly grateful. Indiered
Just read your threads. How beautiful and inspiring. Thank YOU so much !! xxoo Ami
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Dearest Ami,
Thank you for your warm and heartfelt reply.
I have recently changed shifts after working for eons on the overnight 11pm-7am.
There was much that I liked about those hours, but it had begun to take a toll on me physically and emotionally. Now I'm up and out before the chickens, on my feet constantly (impossible to even take lunch), the workload is just inhumane! I limp my way home and just collapse.
I'm finding myself slipping into a semi state of depression (if there is such a thing)! Now don't get me wrong, I'm not adverse to hard work...but this is just ridiculous!!
Last week, I called out from work hours in advance, for one day. Guess what? My agency then cancelled me for three days!!!! Every bone in my body ached, my poor feet swollen beyond recognition!!
Ok, Ok, Indie...take a deep breath...and ask ...what can you do to change this situation?
1: Consider going back to working 11-7am
2: Consider changing vocation
3: Deal with it and plan your exit!!!!
4: Become more organized and efficient at work
5: Concentrate on hitting the Lottery LOL!!!!
6: Campaign to abolish modern day slavery!!
7: Keep repeating "It's only a test"!
8: Give up an join a commune!!
9: Become a nun!! Hey No more rent!!
10: Face reality!! I'm just one of millions in this sinking boat!!!!!
Woke up today.....drum roll please....to my cable, internet, and phone turned offfffffff!!!
Had to "rob Peter to pay Paul"!!!, but I'm back for now until the next go-round lol!!!
It's just a matter of day to day survival for millions of us out there.
Sorry for my rant, but I had to let off some built up steam. Perhaps I should have started a new thread. I've definatly noticed, that when I'm in "survival mode" Ns do not occupy as much of my thought life. "Pins and needles needles and pins, it's a happy man that grins". Quote from Ralph Cramdon on the Honeymooners. Love to all...Indiered
:?
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Dearest Ami,
Thank you for your warm and heartfelt reply.
I have recently changed shifts after working for eons on the overnight 11pm-7am.
There was much that I liked about those hours, but it had begun to take a toll on me physically and emotionally. Now I'm up and out before the chickens, on my feet constantly (impossible to even take lunch), the workload is just inhumane! I limp my way home and just collapse.
I'm finding myself slipping into a semi state of depression (if there is such a thing)! Now don't get me wrong, I'm not adverse to hard work...but this is just ridiculous!!
Last week, I called out from work hours in advance, for one day. Guess what? My agency then cancelled me for three days!!!! Every bone in my body ached, my poor feet swollen beyond recognition!!
Ok, Ok, Indie...take a deep breath...and ask ...what can you do to change this situation?
1: Consider going back to working 11-7am
2: Consider changing vocation
3: Deal with it and plan your exit!!!!
4: Become more organized and efficient at work
5: Concentrate on hitting the Lottery LOL!!!!
6: Campaign to abolish modern day slavery!!
7: Keep repeating "It's only a test"!
8: Give up an join a commune!!
9: Become a nun!! Hey No more rent!!
10: Face reality!! I'm just one of millions in this sinking boat!!!!!
Woke up today.....drum roll please....to my cable, internet, and phone turned offfffffff!!!
Had to "rob Peter to pay Paul"!!!, but I'm back for now until the next go-round lol!!!
It's just a matter of day to day survival for millions of us out there.
Sorry for my rant, but I had to let off some built up steam. Perhaps I should have started a new thread. I've definatly noticed, that when I'm in "survival mode" Ns do not occupy as much of my thought life. "Pins and needles needles and pins, it's a happy man that grins". Quote from Ralph Cramdon on the Honeymooners. Love to all...Indiered
:?
What a sweet spirit you have Indie! xxoo Ami
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Thank You Ami!
You are amazing :D!
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I'm so sorry, Indiered,
I know what it's like to work in physical pain.
I am angry you have to suffer to survive.
Hops
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Thanks Hops,
I was just venting. Indiered
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Vent more.
Any time.
It is not fair.
I remember the staff at the nursing home.
How kind they were.
How I could not in a million years have done what they do (because of my back).
How certain I am they were underpaid.
They were not unappreciated...by me or my mother.
I was so grateful for their patience and gentleness with her.
If that's the sort of work you do...THANK YOU for your humanity.
love,
Hops
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Indiered:
Hiya, Indiered,
I like your emergency, survival action plan for Nar-people exposure!
It's sort of like a Haz-mat response checklist.
It looks very proactive.
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Thank you Helen and Hops!
Yes I do work in the healthcare field, for a few decades now. I appreciate your acknowledgement of the hard work done by many dedicated workers.
I am trying to learn better techniques for stress management. My coworkers are very accommodating, and there is a true spirit of team work.
Something has really struck me recently while in this new facility. I have Never seen the type of love, dedication, and loyalty, shown by various family members for their loved ones, as I have here.
Sons, daughters, husbands and friends visit daily. While I love seeing these interactions, I wondered why I felt a sense of sadness as an observer. Then I realized, thinking about all of us on this board, how all of us at some point will have to deal with the aging of NPs, How many of them will miss the daily visits, and comforting presence of those who truly love them. I wonder about their life stories that have inspired such love and compassion until the end. The husband that visits daily and holds his wife's' hand, feeds her, talks to her. The daughter that never fails to visit, with genuine love in her eyes.
Then I was able to name the emotion I was experiencing...grief, for myself and for all of us on this board, who have been hurt beyond measure by Ns, and who probably never will be able to share the loving comfort that I am currently witnessing ( to aging Ns).
Indiered