Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival => Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board => Topic started by: Simon46 on September 12, 2003, 12:05:41 PM
-
Since there are many people reading this board at various stages of healing and understanding about Narcissism, I thought it might be helpful to all of us to share books or other sources of information that have helped us "get the picture." It might help others reading these boards.
The book "Children of the Self-Absorbed, an Adults guide to Understanding your Narcissitic Parents." By Nina Brown has helped me tremendously. As I read it I thought omigod! She must have been in my house growing up! How can she know all that? Maybe I am not making this up! My entire perception of my family life began to change in a way that was more true to what really happened, instead of the idealized version I had always been told. This book is available on Amazon.
What books "turned on the switch" for you? What books would you recommend to others struggling with the same issues?
-
Two books that have helped me A LOT:
Trapped In the Mirror, Adult Children of Narcissists and thier Struggle for Self by Elan Golomb, PH.D.
Why Is It Always About You? Saving Yourself From the Narcissists in Your Life by Nancy Hotchkiss
-
Hi everybody,
This board is my newest aid in my "first aid kit". But bibliotherapy has always been my first course of action. The ones already posted are great. Here are a couple more:
Controlling People: Patricia Evans
This has a great "teddy bear" analogy. That is, many Ns see other humans as their teddy bears to play with them as they direct...
Too Nice for Your Own Good: Duke Robinson
Great for an approval junkie like me. :)
Stop Walking on Eggshells by Paul Mason and Randi Kruger
This is really about BPD, but N coexists with this disorder quite a bit. Biggest eye-opener I read. Lots of survival tips in here, esp if you are dealing with a rage-aholic.
Difficult Conversations by Douglas Stone, Bruce Patton, and Sheila Heen
This is a great book for anybody, esp. voiceless people who need voice! This book helped me prepare for a confrontation with other family members re the problem N in our lives. My comments didn't change anybody else's behavior, but I felt heard and empowered, which lowered my frustration level quite a bit. Besides, the only behavior we can change is our own! :) Basic message: say what you need to say in the least harmful and effective way. (and you do need to say it).
OK, last suggestion:
Writing as a Way of Healing by Louise DeSalvo
OK, now that some have figured out what's going on, now what do we do? Writing down what happened and how we felt about it (linking events and feelings) will help us heal! And it's kind of garbage: we gotta take it out, or it piles up. And we all have garbage.
Uh oh, I can see my summaries are getting longer...better sign off now. Good luck everyone! cheers, S.
-
Prisoners of Childhood: the Drama of the Gifted Child - Alice Miller
I think its one of the oldest books on this subject, and written from a very objective, almost clinical perspective (written for psychologists who TREAT NPD or children of them) but it was a breakthrough book for me.
-
Why is it Always about You has been a godsend. The author must have been hiding in my house.
-
The book, Too Good to Leave and Too Bad to Stay, by Mira Kirshenbaum, an experienced marriage therapist. Her sole purpose in writing the book is to help people like me come to terms with the stupid, circular, obsessive questioning of whether to put up with or leave our difficult spouses.
Although she doesn's mention N specifically, it is quite clear that it is N spouses who pose the biggest dilemma for deciding what to do. No matter how miserable we feel in their presence, we seem to feel that we do not have the "right" to leave them, because after all we are the cause of the problem, it's never them (or that's how they twist things around, anyway).
She gets you to the painful bottom line on whether or not people like this are worth spending the rest of our lives with. Of course it is you, the reader, who crafts your own "ending" to her book.
-
Thanks to everyone who's recommended the books on this forum. I have been systematically going through as many as possible.
I've found one myself that I don't believe has been mentioned called, The Narcissistic/Borderline Couple by Joan Lachkar, Ph.D. Believe this book is geared toward the professional, however, I sadly found myself within the chapter of Borderline Personality Disorder. :cry:
I'm going to my therapist today to sort some things out but I do believe this book is exactly describing my husband, my marriage and me. We are professional "dancers" -- lol. It's not funny actually.
I don't know how many other voiceless may or may not identify with BPD, but it explains a lot more to me about me. I'd suggest looking it up on the internet and make a determination for yourself. I believe that knowledge is power, but it still hurts and infuriates me too.
As always........ take care everyone. Let me know what you think! We'll compare notes.
-
Here is a new book that looks like it could be spot on for dealing with an N-partner.
It's called "Loving the Self-Absorbed" by Nina Brown and talks about five patterns of N in a marriage. I haven't read it yet, and probably won't because I have no motivation to "love" my N-partner. But that's just me.
Link to its description:
http://www.newharbinger.com/cgi-local/SoftCart.exe/online-store/scstore/p-3546.html?L+scstore+dcdl7700ff9d809d+1098643042
-
hi...
i've also found that the Drama of the Gifted Child by Alice Miller is wonderful and the Narcissistic Family by Pressman. The N Family book is a bit clinical and written for therapists, but it is clearly written and sheds lots of insight on how to manage the N family.
-
Hey everyone,
I'm happy :lol: and embarrassed :oops: to report that I am definitely not a Borderline Personality, although I do share some of the traits.
It has been determined however that I suffer from what is commonly known as "Medical Student's Disease". LOL That "diagnosis" gave me huge relief and a big laugh. (If you haven't heard of it, you might want to look it up online for a quick giggle.)
Hope I didn't lead any of you astray!
I'm currently trying to read Alice Miller's Drama of the Gifted Child but I'm finding it very difficult to get into it after my last experience! LOL Gotta laugh.... it's very healing.
-
Hi everyone...
Although my therapist wasn't overly keen on it (because the author isn't a medical doctor), a book I found more helpful than any other is:
'Malignant Self Love - Narcissism Revisited' by Sam Vaknin, Ph.D.
I find it difficult to wade through a book from front to back and one of the things I really like about this one is it's format. It is written in FAQs .. numbered from 1 to 80. You can leap about all over the place and get clear answers very quickly. Another thing I find off-putting about a lot of therapy/self-help books is the 'case studies'. So often I don't relate to 'Mary' .. or 'Carol'.. or whoever else's case study has made it into the book and I am left frustrated.
I bought this book on Amazon and for a paperback it is expensive - I think about US$70, from memory. But it has been the best help of all to me out of approximately 10 on the subject of Narcissism. So desperate was I to find answers to my husband's behaviour and treatment of me.
Good luck to you all - browse through it before you buy if you feel it is a tad expensive. You will find it easy to read and incredibly helpful.
Camilla
-
Here's another one: The Wizard of Oz and Other Narcissists by Eleanor Payson
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0972072837/inktomi-bkasin-20/ref%3Dnosim/103-3953461-8343048
-
Living:
I haven't read your book suggestion yet, The Wizard of Oz and Other Narcissists, and I will try.
Friends, my hand to the Universe, but my xN's favorite movie is...............The Wizard of Oz! How appropriate.
-
Hello Living Consciously... I looked at the link you provided and thought 'The Wizard of Oz and other Narcissists' looks like a great book. :idea:
I ordered it immediately - but will have to wait several weeks for it to arrive in Oz. 8)
Thank you very much for the suggestion. :wink:
Camilla
-
Glad I could help. I hope you enjoy the book. It was a pretty easy read. There isn't a whole lot of "new" information that isn't covered in other books on the topic but I find it helpful to read about narcissism from many different points of view. Sometimes an author has a particular way of maker his/her point that really strikes a chord. I would love to hear your opinion on the book once you've had a chance to read it.
-
AnnaH28,
Here is the post I was referring to. I contains a lot of good resources that might be helpful.
-
Here is a page which lists many of the books that have helped along the way.
Enjoy!
http://groups.msn.com/NARCISSISTICPERSONALITYDISORDER/recommendedbooks.msnw
-
Lundy Bancroft
'Why does he do that?
Inside the minds of controlling or abusive men'
This is the definitive text for anyone wanting to understand ( rather than rationalise ) abuse.
-
more about borderlines/ psycopaths / attention-seekers than narcissism....remember narcissism is a specific condition with limited criteria, and though it may feel like hell and make a victim extremely angry- there is no such thing as malignant narcissism; it is just a mental condition which governs behaviour.
-
Hi everybody,
I'm bringing this thread back up to the top of the board. It was a bit buried.
Sjkravil: Most people will warn you off the Vaknin stuff which is all over the internet...again the book I would start with is Emotional Unavailability and I would add You Can't Say That to Me! and/or the Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans. She does a great job of showing why verbal abuse is so underhanded and hard to deal with. very practical.
Good luck to all the newbies who are checking into this now. :wink: Seeker
-
Books I found helpful are the ones on verbal abuse by Patricia Evans, and also The Wizard of Oz and other Narcissists - I think the author is Eleanor Payson. The section on loving a N was scarily familiar.