Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival => Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board => Topic started by: Lupita on September 22, 2009, 04:53:46 PM
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Dear friends, I found a man through a dating website. I really like him. We had our first date last Saturday. It was supposed to be one hour and we stayed for seven hours together. I had the feeling that he did not want to leave me. There was chemistry. I really liked him. Nothing happened, I mean, only two hugs. That was all.
Now, today is Tuesday. I heard from him on Sunday and we had a nice conversation on the phone. On Monday, yesterday, I sent him information that he needed about the building where I was living before. He wrote back with a thank you note very nice.
OK, he told me that he had a great time on Saturday. I did too.
The thing is that he has not called me today Tuesday. I have not heard from him today. But the thing is that in all the conversations we had Sunday and Monday through e-mail he has not mentioned at all to see me again.
What can I do? Just wait patiently until he calls? And if he does not call?
I hate this situation of dating and waiting. If I call him he might be disappointed that I am too needy or desperate.
It is the first time in many many many years that I like somebody.
Do not know what to do.
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Dont call.
Remember how your earlier dating relationship felt smothering to you? Give this guy a chance to process how he feels about the weekend and call you.
I know....dating is terrifying and tense! It will get better.
Love,
CB
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THIS is when you need to read the book...
A Fine Romance by Dr. Judith Sills
She examines the earliest patterns of contact/retreat and makes sense out of them.
It's really tremendously helpful...right now.
good luck, Lupita...
love
Hops
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Sounds old-fashioned, but "dating experts" say wait for him to call. :P
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There could be many reasons why he hasn't called. Sometimes when things take off too fast I take a step back too. Finding someone you like is great, but it brings up lots of questions about what you are really looking for and how a serious relationship could change your life.
If he really likes you he is probably thinking about all of that. If he is ready for a serious relationship he will call again. If he is not and perceives that this is going there, he may break it off. I think trying to influence him by calling him isn't in your best interest. The ball is in his court. If he chooses not to return it..at least you are getting honesty.
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Wait------ let it develop slowly and you will have a much greater chance of a long term relationship. Buena Suerte ! Ami
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OK, my advice is the opposite, Lupita - if you want to, call him! Calling him, doesn't have to signal that you're desperate & needy... nor that you have great expectations of the relationship, but it does send the message that you are interested in pursuing A relationship. Trick is - you need to sort out just what kind of relationship you're looking for... and for yourself, be OK with the fact that he may want something different. Sounds like he'd be a great friend, at the very least... and there's nothing wrong with having another friend, right?
And then, just say you were thinking about him... follow up talking about something you've already shared... even say you were thinking of inviting him to dinner or lunch... or some non-romantic, non-pressure activity (not necessarily a candlelit dinner, know what I mean??). And time will tell if he feels the same way about you...
this is one way to gradually see if something more might develop - but without all the instant pressure of "romance" for either one of you. Lowering the "stakes" - the risk - early on takes some the anxiety out of the situation, when there is a strong, quick connection. It buys you some time, to see if he really is "handsome is, as handsome does" - true to what he says about himself.
How many opportunities have I lost because I waited for a guy to make the first move??? And guys don't usually make the effort to "sweep us off our feet" unless we find a way to tell them by our interest in them, that they have an open invitation to TRY...
That's my two cents, anyway.
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Hey Lupita:
My advice is to read a book titled:
Getting the Love You Need
Relax and enjoy these moments.
How's the new apartment?
Mo2
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Lupe, I want to add.....
whatever you do, stay busy and focused on YOU.
Men are attracted to women who have lives, and something going on.
Pssssst.....
that's you, dear.
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Thank you CB, Hopalong, nolonger, sealinx, ami, PR, and Mo2.
Your opinion really matters for me.
Today is Wednesday and he has not called. I do believe that at this point, I have to wait for him to do the next move. Like somebody said in an above post, the ball is in his court. I sent him the number of my ex-landord, I gave him all the information he needed from my ex-building, I sent him a picture of a movie I wanted to see.
Cant do more. The ball is in his court.
If he does not call, he is not that interested. It was just the excitement of one day. And maybe he re-thought and decided not to call me back. I remember he mentioned he is not ready for a commited relationship and I mentioned that I would only go for exclusivity since the opposite of excusivity is promiscuity.
So, if he know that I am not going to play games , and that is what he wants. he will step back.
Is there a man here? Any man with a point of view?
Thank you dear friends for the time to read and to respond.
Love you all!!!!!!!!!
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:(
i found this
The short answer to the question is though - if you really can't be reasonably certain that he's interested after the first date, chances are he's not all that interested in anything more than a casual relationship if that. You will know.
Learn more about this author, Ron Hughes.
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I think he is gonna call, Lupita. Let me know if I am right. Ami
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Lupita:
I'm a little concerned about the BIG conversation on the first date.
Stating, out loud, that you're only interested in committed relationships, bc the opposite is promiscuous, is kind'a heavy for first date, IMO.
You should have been chatting him up about his interests, slipping in interesting things about your busy very active life, and generally having a lovely time.
No mention about marriage or deep or heavy relationships and when you part, you do it on time and go about your happy business like it doesn't matter if they call or not.
You're happy and busy on your own, remember?
When men are interested, they're generally dragging you into those conversations themselves.
Remember?
(((Lupita)))
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You are right. Mo2.
I might have crewed up. But why did he stay for such a long time? He could have gone in an hour and he styed for seven hours.
He made me feel very comfortable. He squeezed that information out of me. I was genuinely having a wonderful time. He was mentally active trying to make me talk. I was just too excited. It was the first date I had in about 20 years.
My friend W I do not count him. He really smothered me and I never dated him.
This was a real date. I did not like W.
This guy I really liked. I felt like a child in Disney World.
There is a window of 2 days. if he does not call in 2 days, he will not call.
Also there is an article that says, that the better the date was, the longer they wait to call.
Also, God might be preventing that I get in trouble. Because this man really provokes my excitement, emotionally, he really makes me see stars. He is everything I like.
Although God did not prevent me from marrying an abuser and pedophile, when I had no idea what was going on. Now I have been alone for many years.
Oh, but I did not tell him that I was lonely. I told him I was very busy and happy.
He got me very confused. The date could not be better. It was fantastic. It was originally a walk on the beach of an hour to meet and to get to know each other a little and say good bye.
We met at 6:00 PM and we said good bye at one in the morning. That was seven hours.
He called me and told me that he had a great time, that our meeting was very successful.
So, I am confused.
Anyway, if he does not call back, I will survive. It is just disappointing that all the man that are intereste din me I do not like and the only one that I like he does not have onterest oin me.
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Try to relax and keep doing things you enjoy, Lupe.
If he calls, he calls.
If he doesn't, it's his loss.
There's no telling who this guys is, really.
Maybe it is God saving you from a terrible 6 months?
Maybe there's someone better coming along?
Maybe, he's fine and will call.
I don't know what's going on in your neck of the woods, but here.....
we're having terrible trouble with the weather.
He might be having difficulties at work or with his famiy.
Don't making any assumptions and keep doing things that make you happy: )
Mo2
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After the whole week with out hearing from him, he called me yesterday Sunday to invite me to a rock concert. I could not say no. I said yes. He picked me up and we had a good time waiting for the entree since it was a huge event, had fun enjoying the music. He took me home almost saying nothing and said good bye just like that.
I do not understand. I like him a lot but he makes me feel sad. That I am not pretty enough.
Dont know why.
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After the whole week with out hearing from him, he called me yesterday Sunday to invite me to a rock concert. I could not say no. I said yes. He picked me up and we had a good time waiting for the entree since it was a huge event, had fun enjoying the music. He took me home almost saying nothing and said good bye just like that.
I do not understand. I like him a lot but he makes me feel sad. That I am not pretty enough.
Dont know why.
I don't get it,Lupita. He must like you if he invited you out, right? Ami
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I do not understand. I like him a lot but he makes me feel sad. That I am not pretty enough.
Dont know why.
Well, Lupe.....
can you just sit back and let those feelings wash over you?
Not act on them or keep giving them energy?
You had a good time on first date, and your expectations for the future were.....
well.....
they were what they were.
It's not helping to assume negatives, when you have doubt.
There's no telling what this guy has going on in his head.
Maybe he's married? Maybe he doesn't feel good enough for you? Maybe he knows you want only a seriouse relationship, and he isn't ready for seriouse?
Maybe he's worried about some physical problem, you know nothing about?
There are many other reasons he could be behaving differently than you would prefer.
Lastly......
maybe he's a manipulative, womanizing jerk who likes to control women and make them feel insecure?
Please don't assume this is all about you not being good/sexy/nice/attractive/ enough.
((Lupita))
Take care of you....
self care rituals, keep dancing, keep going out and having coffee with new people.
Mo2
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What were you hoping for in this date? And, what were you hoping his behavior would be?
The main negative thing I read in your post was that he didn't talk on the way home ... everything else sounded OK. And there are a million reasons why he didn't talk on the way home, most of them might have nothing to do with you. He might have had a personal problem on his mind. He might have not been feeling good but didn't want to say so.
Unless there's more to the story than you wrote in your post, I would not jump to negative conclusions on this.
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He wrote me this letter. Is this a goodbye letter?????????????
Hi
Thank you for coming the concert on such short notice. It was really not the
appropriate venue for either one of us, but it was interesting for it's "social"
content. Your son is a very talented pianist. I knew this musical piece, but
didn't know it's name. You are a special person and I am amazed with what you
have been able to achieve. Stay well!
Regards,
I wrote him back telling how nice it has been meeting him and that I will be praying for him to heal his wounds.
his wife just left him five months ago and the divorced was just finalized, and he was sad about it. At least that is what he told me.
But I am starting to think that he just likes to make people feel insecure. I started to think that he is an emotional predator and he probably does not even know it. I donotknow what to think. Really. It has been 20 years twenty since I dated so I have no idea what is going on.
Whateved yout thoguths are I will appreciate them because I am very confused. Like I am always confused with everything. I never feel certain of anything. Alwasy doubting everything.
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I think he really likes you and maybe did not talk cuz he was shy or just felt like being quiet. Have you ever read any e books on male/female relationships ?
Since we did not have M's who taught us basic things about life, it helps to read basic common sense things about like and relationships. Ami
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Hey Lup,
I have been there, so many times.
So much loneliness and yearning and a little bit of interest and I'm picking out the living room furniture in my mind.
Planning on love before love is evident.
I really do plead with you to go buy a paperback called A Fine Romance by Dr. Judith Sills.
She addresses EXACTLY where you are right now, with much more intelligence than I could. And she's detailed! It'll help you more than you can imagine!
What her book helped me do is stop taking it personally, stop micro-analysing every exchange, and recognize that when I did (for decades, actually), I was NOT helping love come into my life, but driving it away.
It's the same old tedious answer...we do NOT find peace or wholeness because somebody else looks at us like they're a solider in the desert, abandoned by their unit, with both legs wounded, never more alone in their lives, and here comes Betty Grable with a canteen and a Red Cross jeep.
He is not going to rescue you from sorrow. He is just enjoying your company.
I didn't detect anything predatory in his letter. He was thanking you. Praising your son and praising you.
His tone is a little bit reserved. This may be his nature.
It doesn't necessarily reflect indifference though it is too soon to know. It might.
Your task is to gather information by observing and by containing yourself, so you can tolerate something ambiguous, especially in these early stages.
You must reassure yourself, that you have an inner voice.
Problem right now is, your hungry inner child is bellowing so loud you can't hear your discerning adult, so you're terrified of being hurt. And until you calm the inner bellower, you won't have access to wisdom and calm.
That can be like "romantic PTSD" in a way, because it makes you jump in the street when somebody drops a paper cup.
He just sent you a note, that's all. It said thank you. "Regards" COULD be a sign of coldness OR simply a reserved personality. If there is no followup, that's the information you are watching for. If there IS followup, then you know he's tentatively taking his own shy steps.
This is not going to go away. It's NORMAL. This two-step dance.
You just don't know the outcome yet and your challenge is to be happy even while not knowing.
No "he" holds the key to your happiness. Only you do.
love, and please read that book...
Hops
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PS--
I can help with one clue:
the whole week with out hearing from him, he called me
What's a "whole week"? It's really a kind of normal time period in a busy life.
But "a whole week" implies you're on the edge of your seat in desperation, clutching the phone.
That's your signal that what you're feeling is not coming from your adult loving self.
Don't feel badly about it, but observe yourself (and notice your thought stream, listen to what you say to yourself and CHALLENGE it)...just as closely as you observe him.
Even more closely.
love,
Hops
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Dear Lupita
It might help you to write all your feelings and all the things that happen out here, as you have been doing, but with the goal that you can get reality checks from other people.
Our FOO tapes make us think self defeating thoughts about things. These thoughts can be way off base.
Ami
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Lup,
Don't do this. You have lots of fears I am reading from you. I'm not pretty enough. Lies playing in your head, old tapes, of lies.
He is newly out of a marriage and with a good or bad one, comes grief, healing's because something has come to an end.
You say he is wounded and was sad.
You also said he does not want commitment he is not ready.
I don't see anything you have written that appears to me that he does not enjoy you, is lying, is un-interested in you. It it appears he is and enjoys dating you.
It appears he wants to take things slow and is exclusive to nothing. He should not be Lup. Nor should you.
Right now you both are on a *get to know you* level and there is not timing on that.
I don't see anything in his email either that is a Dump you email. I see a nice had a good time with you note and how you are an amazing woman.
It sounds like he has some *emotional baggage* to deal with Lup and sad times are upon him. He needs to work it out.
Not you. It does not belong to you.
He was quiet because he was sad and nothing ...We Know...in the world can change that but Healing of Wounds (ours).
Can you deal with this Lup? He is newly divorced and had a bad day. Can you just date and enjoy and expect nothing more then just date for now?
He's trying to move on and sometimes As we all know...easier said then done and it's not always *fun* for others to be around us at moment. Those moments can sneak up and bite you in the butt when you don't even see them coming..And has nothing to do with the other person you were with..(as in your date that night).
Maybe he should have not asked you out that night for it was the day of his divorce. He may have not know this was going to happen. He probably didn't want to stay home and wanted to enjoy your company (as he said he did). He just has some working out of things/emotions of his own.
And again, you don't know him that well. He could be wonderful, an N, a Jerk, but you don't know him.
You know what N said to me one time...You only know what I tell you...And boy that was the truth....for then. Wish I had got to know him better with time...I jumped to quick....and ignored my gut.
Are you wondering at all Lup if this man is just newly out of a marriage and has some Healing to do and he needs to be exclusive to that even if he just puts toes in the water and dates to get to know another..such as you.
No commitment, no exclusive, just dating and getting to know another...for now. Slow.
Also if your gut is telling you something about ths man then go with it but you seem to be more disappointed and insecure with his contact to you and that he is not doing the ...I want to see you then, and when, and today, and I'll call you tommorrow, and this weekend, and since it's not you think there is something wrong with you. There is not.
It's just dating and seems to be really Normal..Slow.
Your getting to know him. You already know (from what I gathered) from your reads...that last date he was sad because he was divorced that very day and quiet on his ride home.....You attached that to you. I'm not pretty enough. He is wounded, lup.
And you didn't do it. So don't take it on that your not pretty enough. We cannot fix others wounds. He is feeling it as we feel wounds.
You are dating a wounded/healing man.
I remember he mentioned he is not ready for a commited relationship and I mentioned that I would only go for exclusivity since the opposite of excusivity is promiscuity
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his wife just left him five months ago and the divorced was just finalized, and he was sad about it. At least that is what he told me.
And....
Once told to me by my ex-h...You only know what I tell you...that is the most truth he ever said.
He could be wounded/healing, a Predator, and N, a Prince, anything Lup...You know nothing about him but you know yourself.
Listen to your gut feelings, trust yourself, Not your lies in your head old tapes..(not good enough) and like Hops said, observe.
He probably has a lot of emotional baggage he has not dealt with. It's only 5 months since his wife left him.
Or...remember...
You only know truly What he Tells you...which could be truth..or non...truth...
Slow Lup...it's a risk..which is worth taking (dating) with open eyes, mind, ears, and again...Observations.
Use all your knowledge you have learned. You are equipped and have tools.
Your self judging. Oh it's because I'm not pretty enough?
Nope.
It may be because...He is telling you..I'm not exclusive, I'm not ready, I'm wounded, but I sure do like you and think you are an amazing woman with an amazing son. I may have a lot of baggage, issues, to heal from or I could be a jerk.
This comes with dating and just getting to know some one Slowwwwly......we all want to rush time when you enjoy the other...and all pull out our insecurities when it don't feel right to whatever (the individual) is feeling.
So this Lup seems Normal dating to me...more normal then I had done in the past. At least this time (and seems for him too) we are aware of ..take it slow. Do it right. And Observe.
Remember he is newly out of a marriage as insecure with dating, himself, his feelings, as you are. Maybe?
So many things to feel out...by time...getting to know each other...and ..your gut.
Love
Deb
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Thank you so much for your responses, dear firends. Your responses touched me very deeply. They are very thoughtful and very important to me.
He has not called. I do not think he is ever going to call again. I have to depend on my self to feel well.
Yesterday I went to tango class and practice. The most experience dancer danced with me and could not enjoy it because this is still hurting.
I still go to all my activities, organizing my walks, going to dance lessons, trying to have a good time, but this "rejection" still is bomping in to my head. Does not go away. I do not know why.
Notice that I am writing rejectgion in quotations "rejectio"
It was not really a rejection. He might have been wanting sex with out working for it and I am a hard peice of work. I am not going to bed with anybody unless he deserves me. That I am strong enough to do and do not need any encouragenment to do it on my own. I am a very hard to get when that aspect is refered.
So, there are many possibilities. And we never know if I might find him around again.
I have met around 20 guys from this website and this is the only I liked. One this. I did not want to see anybody else.
I know, I feel inferior because I am hispanic and I am afraid that I will never find the appropriate man. hispanic men in my community are very unaduacted. I have not been lucky to find a hispanic man with an education. Even white men are difficult to find educated.
Other thing, my friend W was very ignorant. I did not like that.
And I do not mean PhD. I just mean, wisdom, common sense, intelligence, ooen mind, open to other cultures and differences in people. open to negotiaction fo desires, etc.
When we get to this degree of conciusness we get very lonely becasue we want to find somebody like us and it is difficult to find.
I do not know what I am saying. Please, friends, keep talking to me. I need you.
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Hopalong, I will buy that book today. hope that I can find it at Barnes n Noble or Borders.
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(((((((Lupita)))))))) Ami
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Lupita:
You're still dancing....
still walking.....
still reaching out and asking to be understood.
Life is good.
Dwell on the positives.....
wonder about the rest, but remember.....
all you have is today.
Yesterday is gone.
Tomorrow's just a dream.
What are you doing with today?
Look around...... count your blessings.
Tomorrow they may not be there.
Maybe now is a good time to write out a list of everything you want to do.
Then start in.
When you're happy.....
people want to be near you.
Mo2
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How are you today Lupita?
You had a couple fun dates. You never know when he will pop up again. But either way is ok. You are beautiful and valuable just because you are you.
*hugs*
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Thank you Mo2 and Sus.
to count my blessings I have to tell you that for the first time in my life I have a good job and enjoy my job. In this thime of economic crisis I have to be thankfull that I have a job. I loive in a nice apartment in a nice location and my son lives near me.
So we see each other once a week.
I have many things to be happy. I just have to get higher self esteem and feel better on my own.
It is selkf esteem.
I havew spent all my life picking up the peices that my mother left of me.
Now I have to grow up. That is all. Love my slef and grow my self esteem. I thought I was there until I started dating for the first time in my life. Now I know that I amnot there. This guy told me, "You have been picked on all your life" that is what made me feel bad. That is what made me feel ashame. I transpire the abuse, my behavior in someway let people know that I was abused all my life.
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Vy the was, I went to Borders and they did not have the book They would order it but would take three weeks to get there. I went then, to Barbes n Noble and they said it would get to them in three days. So, I will have it thisweek and start reading it. In the mean time I bpight "Date Like a Man" and started reading. It all goes to self esteem. Men like women who like them sleves. My spirit was broekn so badly all my life that is is very difficult, But I know I am pretty, the mirror tells me I am pretty. I am skinny, my body looks great, so, it is only my slef esteem that I have to enhance,. I am educated and intelligent. It is only self esteem I ahve to work on.
Thank youf or your help.
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Dear Lupita
I bought quite a few books on male/female relationships b/c I was brought up by a Boob :shock: and needed to learn simple things that people with good mothers learn.
They have helped me SOOO much with all people, not just men.
There are certain "laws" to human relationships like scientific laws like gravity.
Maybe(just maybe) with the last guy, you seemed like you had too many issues. Men don't want to learn about all our issues at the beginning. They want to feel like we will be fun to be with.
Later , both men and woman share issue type of stuff.
Anyway, the books talk about all these things.
You are right that self esteem and self respect is really the sexiest thing.
A confident man or woman is a sexy man or woman.
I am learning that the BAD was bullshit. It is coming off slowly cuz I had to take it on for survival as a member of my family.
Another thing that helps me is friendships with woman who have good self esteem, just talk to them and watch them and see how they view themselves.
Ami
PS How we have hated ourselves is a really sick, distortion!
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I am educated and intelligent. It is only self esteem I ahve to work on.
Yes yes yes, (((Lupe)))
Keep investing in yourself.
Know you're worthy and deserving of happiness.
Keep nurturing yourself and reaching out to positive things and people.
Time and experience will add to your self confidence and self worth.
Believe in yourself Lupita, and others will too: )
Mo2