Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival => Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board => Topic started by: Redhead Erin on September 27, 2009, 01:03:49 AM
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My lovely NM did a number on me regarding my weight and body image. In short, her MO was to convince me I was hideous and fat, so I would go on a diet. Then she would sabotage me when I got close to my goal weight. She also inflicted a weird sort of circular logic about being a slut for wanting to look nice, but not being able to find a man who would love me unless I looked nice.
All summer I have been working on my weight. Actually, I have been at this on and off for about 3 years, but I found some weight-loss self-hypnosis CDs at the beginning of the summer, that have really done me a world of good. After years of struggling, I am finally within sight of my goal weight.
Suddenly, I am on a plateau that I am unable to break. I can't stick to my eating plan. The old habits I worked so hard to break are coming back. What brought all this on? I reached a minor goal, that's what. After 15 years, I finally put on my Army uniform again. And then I panicked.
Have I been well-trained or what! I KNOW damn well that it is HER voice in my head, telling me "A little won't hurt!" and "Have a treat--you deserve it!" and "Why don't you just shut up about your diet and eat like a normal person!" and all the other tactics she used to use to keep me miserable and unhappy with my weight. As far as I have come in therapy, I simply cannot silence these horrible tapes. I also have this ominous, vague feeling that "something bad" will happen to me if reach my goal weight.
Does anybody else deal with this? What do you do? Help, before I wreck all my good work!
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Dear Erin,
What a pretty picture! When I hear of M's doing the catch 22 you describe,it feels like a relief to me cuz if you TRY to explain this to other people, they look at you in horror.
My M did many catch 22 's with me on all sorts of issues.Do they do it purposely to get you so crazy that you are an eternal victim for them? Do they do it to take away any chance you could have trust in yourself and maybe leave them?
For me, my M would tell me"Study hard so you can go to a good college". Then, when I studied she would say"Why are you such a greasy grind?"
She would say "Fix yourself up."Then when I did, she would say,'Why do you spend so much time on yourself and are so vain?"
It was always going on and on like this.
I am glad you wrote about it cuz it iS an old pattern and when you can see that it is not REAL, you can break the power of it.
Also, I am afraid when I go against one of the voices, too. I think if I shine, am successful,confident etc, the sky will fall on me.
It is getting better as I write Blackie/Whitie cuz I am talking about just the kinds of patterns you are writing about.
Keep sharing! Ami
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My mother always tells me I am too fat or too thin. I'm never okay, much less attractive. And she ALWAYS fills the house with cakes and pies on my visits, letting me know she baked them especially for me. I think it is part of their overall inability to make normal conversation. It is an endless topic they can keep alive by always turning things around when the goals get to close. It is like they are addicted to certain "endless" topics that contain their version of sharing and emotion...as sick as it is. BTW...you look great...naw...Beautiful!!
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Erin, you look fab in that picture! I self sabotage all the time. I don't know what the answer is. I've been crying my eyes out half the night because something went wrong this afternoon - everything I do messes up, whether it's something small like cooking dinner or something big like a new job or house move.
When you have parents who criticise everything you do it keeps you in a spin. Like you say, your mum would tell you you were fat and then stop you losing weight. What an incredible way to control somebody! Really scary stuff. I guess inside you you have someone criticising you when you're big and then having a go at you because you've lost weight - whatever you do that little voice will give out to you.
If it were me in your situation now (funnily enough my weight is the only thing that hasn't ever been a problem!) I think I'd try and stop thinking about 'weight' and try and picture filling my lovely body with good, nourishing food that will fill my cells with nutrients and make my brain sharp. Maybe try to visualise all those vitamins and minerals flowing like good energy through my body and flushing out those critical words that the sugar and fat stick to. I do prefer to think of food in terms of how it makes me feel (ie healthy and vital rather than heavy and stodgy). Maybe that might get you over this little hump.
Those messages really stick, I'm struggling myself with the c**p my mum filled my head with for decades. Sometimes I feel like I want to shake her and yell "do you realise what you did??!!". Hope you get past this plateau at some stage :)
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Hi Erin
I've always heard that excess fat is a wall we construct...to protect ourselves from intimacy.
As lovely as you are, if you were at a perfect weight, men would want to be even closer to you.
One of them might even love you, offer you his heart, invite you to share his life. Commitment.
Whether behind a fat wall or a stripper pole, you're at a distance you control. When men get close and into your life, and know you well beyond your sexy body, that's different.
(Those assumptions are just that...you may be deeply involved in a romantic relationship. I'm just really talking about myself.)
For me, much of the time, feeding/maintaining my 10 extra pounds is a way to ensure that doesn't happen. Then, I get a grip and realize I will be the same person either way, whether looking sexually appealing or not. If I get more male attention when I am at the healthiest weight, well then, that's an opportunity for me to experiment with boundaries.
What's my flight pattern? I've been divorced twice, heartbroken multiple times. It's been a couple years now, about 3 I think (good sign! I quit tracking!) since I was smitten and yearning. Being 10 pounds overweight ensures that "playas" will skip over me.
I have always ensured in one way or another, in the past, that I won't get what I want. (A loving, stable, enduring partnership). Lately I've had a wonderful experience of close friendship, but even that is feeling suffocating to me. I'm terribly edgy about being controlled, so I don't do the gentle interplay of interdependence well. Or, haven't.
I haven't given up, though.
I think my overeating (and like you, self-sabotage when the goal's within reach) is a loss of nerve. Do I really believe I'm entitled to be at my fittest, THAT radiant, THAT healthy, THAT potent?
Wow. If I did that, what else does it suggest I might do? Can I handle all that power? Will I fail?
Staying a little pudgy insulates me from risking failure. Because I'm still a little fragile.
Feeling tougher though.
Every N in my life has put another brick in my foundation. I am building strength.
Thanks for the topic,
Hops
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Thoughts on weight issues: I struggle with weight, too. But I don't think it's directly about my NM's weight messages. I think to some extent I struggle because when I was young, I was always really little. I mean, I am short, small-boned, and when I was slim, I always looked like a child. This reinforced my parents' message that I was incapable of dealing with things without them. The weight has slowly come on throughout my adulthood, and it coincided with me slowly realizing that I am a grown-up, and that I can do things and make decisions all on my own! I kind of think that looking "matronly" and both me and others taking me seriously are connected in my subconscious. Dang. I have high cholesterol and a family history of type 2 diabetes --- I really don't need the extra layer of chub.
Erin, I am interested in the CDs that you say have helped, do you mind sharing the names? I suspect that if I could get the emotional issues dealt with regarding weight, it would not be so hard to lose.
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My nm says that she worries about me and my weight but then she too eats dessert every night and brought me and my siblings up that way. Thank Goodness I broke that habit and I know my brother is not a big sweets fan but I dont know about my sister. But I do believe that I keep my self overweight for some reason...Intimacy, not being good enough for my parents because I don't weigh what they think I should...even though you would think I would want to lose weight to please them,,,I don't but I haven't figured out why. My husband's coworkers say I have a pretty face and that I am nice but do you think that is good enough???no, my body is fat and I don't know how anyone could like me. That is exactly what goes thru my mind...I am glad that other people share in the weight issue so that I know I am not alone and maybe I can get ideas and help from talking to you ladies. Maybe I will stick to a diet eventually. I have lost weight too only to gain it back and more at times. I get to a certain weight and then something happens and I get scared and I gain weight back.
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My lovely NM did a number on me regarding my weight and body image. In short, her MO was to convince me I was hideous and fat, so I would go on a diet. Then she would sabotage me when I got close to my goal weight. She also inflicted a weird sort of circular logic about being a slut for wanting to look nice, but not being able to find a man who would love me unless I looked nice.
I'm familiar with that, Redhead Erin. It's called a double bind. Also known as a Catch-22. You're damned if you do, damned if you don't. My mom's thing wasn't about weight, per se. It was more, "Be excellent, but not too excellent. Be smart, but not too smart." For years I twisted myself into a pretzel to please her. I can't tell you how much time and energy I wasted trying to please her. But there was no pleasing her, not really.
I also have this ominous, vague feeling that "something bad" will happen to me if reach my goal weight.
I think I know what you mean. When I attain something or meet with some sort of success, I get anxious. I'm waiting for a piano to drop on my head. I'm waiting for someone to cut me down to size. It's very, very unpleasant. In the past few months I realized that if I want to succeed on my own terms and live the life I want to live, I am just going to have to learn to tolerate some anxiety. I keep telling myself that with more practice, it'll get easier to tolerate. That's what I'm hoping for anyway.
And, BTW...Congratulations on all your hard work this summer!
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My NM actually tried to fatten me up when I was a kid so she could berate me for being overweight. All through middle school and high school, she bought nothing but junk food, fed us pizza and other fattening foods, and forced me to clean my plate. Subsequently, I became a chunky teenager. The kids in school picked on me, and she loved it.
After I left home at 18, I was broke and could barely afford food. After switching to a diet of ramen noodles and crackers, my weight dropped back down to a beautiful petite size 2. M was furious. Whenever someone would compliment my figure, she would snap back with something like, "I don't know where she got that, because she was a fat little pig in high school."
It's amazing how many ways they can manipulate us when we are growing up. Not just our schoolwork, friends, and social activities, but our physical appearance as well. I'm pretty certain that M was painfully unpopular in high school, and wished the same on me. She thought she could achieve that by making me ugly. It worked to a certain extent, but she never succeeded in making me the social outcast that she had hoped for. It infuriated her that my high school experience was better than hers.
Using our looks against us is one way that they can really hurt us. Who isn't self conscience about something? They find that weakness, and use it as weapon. Weight, in particular, is a very sensitive issue for most people. It's hard, but you have to try to ignore it an consider the source. My MIL is also an N, and years back we went for a family visit. The minute I walked in the door, she said, "Look at all the weight you've gained. You look so much better. You were just too skinny before." I hadn't gained an ounce, but she knew that line would upset me. Again, typical of an N. They know that all women are self-conscious about their weight, so what better way to make a person feel bad.
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Whenever someone would compliment my figure, she would snap back with something like, "I don't know where she got that, because she was a fat little pig in high school."
What a vicious thing to say about your own daughter.
I'm sorry, Kathy. It hurt to READ it so I can't imagine how it felt to hear it.
Hops
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In all honesty, some of that stuff didn't hurt as much as it should have. By that age, I had become pretty accustomed to it. Or maybe it didn't bother me because I had beat her at her game by losing the weight. When family came over during the holidays, she would pull out photos of me in HS, back when I was heavy, and would make fun of me for having been chubby. Thing was, I wasn't chubby anymore, and it just sounded like jealousy more than anything. She wanted so badly to pick on me for being chubby, but she couldn't. She had lost some control, and I could see it was eating at her, which probably made me okay with it.
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In all honesty, some of that stuff didn't hurt as much as it should have. By that age, I had become pretty accustomed to it. Or maybe it didn't bother me because I had beat her at her game by losing the weight. When family came over during the holidays, she would pull out photos of me in HS, back when I was heavy, and would make fun of me for having been chubby. Thing was, I wasn't chubby anymore, and it just sounded like jealousy more than anything. She wanted so badly to pick on me for being chubby, but she couldn't. She had lost some control, and I could see it was eating at her, which probably made me okay with it.
The jealously hurts so badly ! Ami
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HI Erin,
I can relate so well to you. My NM would complain I was over weight and then when I was at goal she would start on, OH you look fine a little ice cream won't hurt you. I remember going to OA, and coming home from a meeting and feeling pretty good. I was in the kitchen and the old bird asked me to get her some ice cream, I said no because I didn't want to go near it, and I told her so. She responded to me, well this will be a good test for you??? yea a good test for me and I can wait on her hand and foot.
But I am reading a new book currently: The End of Overeating, by David Kessler, MD, I have found it very interesting, some what technical but sometimes we see food as a reward system. Like I have been really good for a long time now, I deserve a reward. I have always been more interested in the desert then I was in the main meal. He also talks about the salt, sugar and fat, that the food industry all so knows is very addicting.
Hope that is a little help.........
Bettyanne
I would love to know more about your hypnosis CD's???
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Hey y'all!
Sorry to start a topic then run off and abandon it like that. My life gets way to crazy sometimes.
And before I forget, thank you for all the nice compliments. I thought I would include a picture because I like to see who I am talking to, and I guess every one else does, too.
(((Bettyanne))) Glad to see you! I used to go to OA, too. Now I work evenings and the only meeting here is on Tuesday night, when I need to go to work.
About the CD's. I found the web site: http://www.smartfatloss.com/ (http://www.smartfatloss.com/) This is a set of 8 CDs and a workbook. There is also another CD and a a book with a diet in it (at least there was in mine; remember I got it at a garage sale) with a diet that I found impossibly hard to follow. I am a vegetarian and the diet involved quite a bit of lean meat. I used the South Beach Diet instead, which is ridiculously simple and easy to follow, if only you have the will to do it.
Ami, I know what you mean about all the catch-22's. It was like living in a minefield in her house. She did it with my weight, my grades, my friends, my looks...nothing was right. Then she wondered why I rebelled as a teenager. Oh, and she hated my friends, especially this one guy who drove a 1966 Mustang and always dressed in raggy flannel shirts, but who was really my best friend in those days, and remained so for the rest of my life. Ultimately I really rebelled and married him. HA!
Sealynx, mine loves to go out to eat. I mean, like every meal. She is always trying to drag me with her, and then force me to eat stuff that is not on my plan. She is forever messing with me about eating salads, ever since the debacle on vacation when I told NSIL I was not going to eat more than one bad salad in a day. I guess as a vegetarian, I should just eat whatever crappy lettuce leaves somebody puts in front of me. That is apparently my punishment for being "different" and not eating meat like she does. She would not bake anything for me or anybody else if you paid her to do it. That is too much like work.
Twoapenny, I tried shifting my paradigms to the "healthy food" idea. I am a vegetarian, eat only whole grains and mostly organic produce, even bake my own bread. Unfortunately, it is still possible to eat way too much "good stuff." All those magazines that say you can lose weight and still eat all you want, so long as it's the right stuff--they never met me.
Hops,
I've always heard that excess fat is a wall we construct...to protect ourselves from intimacy.
As lovely as you are, if you were at a perfect weight, men would want to be even closer to you.
One of them might even love you, offer you his heart, invite you to share his life. Commitment.
I think you are on to something here. It's not exactly like you said; I am married to my very best friend and am very much in love with him. And even in spite of all the sexual abuse I have been through, I don't think it's about that, either. I am very good at protecting myself physically and emotionally from unwanted attention.
But the fat does seem like an insulation of some sort. Even the way it's positioned on my body . . . . it's all in front, like some sort of body armor. I thought that if I made myself stronger, I would feel safer about losing it, but that only works to a degree. I am really sort of afraid to exercise, too, and will make up any excuse not to do it or to exert myself as little as possible.
I have always ensured in one way or another, in the past, that I won't get what I want. . . ......
I haven't given up, though.
I think my overeating (and like you, self-sabotage when the goal's within reach) is a loss of nerve. Do I really believe I'm entitled to be at my fittest, THAT radiant, THAT healthy, THAT potent?
Wow. If I did that, what else does it suggest I might do? Can I handle all that power? Will I fail?
This really seems like the crux of it. If I can manage my weight, what else could I have done? Why am I still at this loser job? Why am I in debt? Why am I so disorganized? What ELSE have I f*ed up that I don't want to think about?
Of course, that is more tapes from my past. I just can't seem to escape them.
Lollie, I know what you mean. I live on a busy state road, and I am always waiting for a truck to hit me as I pull out of my driveway. Literally. I'm not really afraid of it, I just ahve it in the back of my mind that even though I can see a mile down the road, a truck will materialize out of nowhere and slam into me. My husband says he feels the same way, as if now that we have a life we like and we have each other and our son, someday everything will just blow up in our faces. His particular fear is a heart attack.
Heart of Pilgrimage, I wish I was little like you. I have always envied tiny women. I am literally big-boned, as in I cannot wear many bracelets and anklets because they just don't go around my wrists and ankles. When you do lose your weight, you will look so cute. I am jealous already!
Rugratz,
My husband's coworkers say I have a pretty face and that I am nice but do you think that is good enough???no, my body is fat and I don't know how anyone could like me. That is exactly what goes thru my mind...
Yes, exactly! I went back to work when my son was 2, and I weighed about 30 or 40 pounds more than I do now. I still made good money, because I have a great personality and terrific sales skills, but was that good enough? NOOOOOOOO! My husband still loved me and my son never stopped thinking I am the best, but does that satisfy me? NOOOOOOOOOOO!
JustKathy, WOW! How could anybody say such a mean thing! But I get what you mean about her wanting to keep you fat so that she could have a reason to pick on you. It's all about them keeping us down, isn't it!
As for me, I am still stuck on my plateau. Money has been tight these last few weeks, which makes it hard for me to buy the healthy food I need to stay on my diet. (Bread and pasta are so much cheaper) And the home school year has started, creating yet another level of confusion in my house. I have been listening to my CDs and trying to figure out how to adapt my daily routines to make it easier to follow my eating plan. I have this related issue, like Hops said, that I don't feel entitled to have good food because it costs more, and I don't feel like I should take the time for myself to prepare healthy foods and to exercise.
Here is my song for the day:
I run my life, or is it running me?
I run form my past;
I run too fast,
or too slow it seems.
Lady Antebellum, "Run to you"
I hope we can keep this topic going. I think I have a lot to learn here.
Thanks ladies, for your support.
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Hi Erin
What is the South Beach Diet? I am a vegetarian too, and have weight issues.
Like Sealynx my NM always told me I was too fat or too thin. They never seem to accept us for who we are.
I also think that the fat is some sort of protection. For me not from intimacy but it is part of being invisible in some ways. I mean if you are a tubby middle aged woman, no one looks at you twice, and sometimes that is comforting.
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OMG OMG OMG... Red, we had the SAME mother. I struggle so much with the same weight issues!!! My sister and I were both bulimic, both sieted like crazy, both have awful self-images and food issues.
I am currently at Weight Watchers and I am also working out a lot. I have always loved working out, but had the same issues with it as I did with the food.
I am so glad you are here and I want to read some more of your posts!!
Love, Beth
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BTW, I love your profile picture and you are very pretty.
There are so many new people here!!! I haven't been on in a while! It looks like we have a great group here and I am looking forward to reading more about all of you!!
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Beth, isn't it WEIRD how they are all the same person? It is completely eerie!
And thank you for the compliment. :oops:
Binks, South Beach Diet is a really popular and easy diet to follow. You can get a book about it at any big bookstore or Amazon. Here is the website http://www.southbeach-diet-plan.com/ (http://www.southbeach-diet-plan.com/) and here is the message board http://www.southbeach-diet-plan.com/forum/index.php?sid=d67f08bfc6e484990e10a9bbc130c7fd (http://www.southbeach-diet-plan.com/forum/index.php?sid=d67f08bfc6e484990e10a9bbc130c7fd). Essentially, you eat lots of vegetables and reasonable amounts of lean proteins for the first two weeks, then gradually start adding in fruits and whole grains after that.
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NM's think they have the right to fuss about how we look, but we're not allowed to. I feel as if my NM wanted me to be her life-sized barbie doll to dress up and put makeup on.
Ever since moving away from NM, I've learned that most people in the real world could care less about how you look or weigh.
My brother's wedding is coming up, and I'm already getting conscious of my weight (b/ I will see my mom)...I want to work out, but I'm feeling too tired to do it. Maybe that's my body's way of telling me to "not give in to NM."
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NM's think they have the right to fuss about how we look, but we're not allowed to. I feel as if my NM wanted me to be her life-sized barbie doll to dress up and put makeup on.
Ever since moving away from NM, I've learned that most people in the real world could care less about how you look or weigh.
My brother's wedding is coming up, and I'm already getting conscious of my weight (b/ I will see my mom)...I want to work out, but I'm feeling too tired to do it. Maybe that's my body's way of telling me to "not give in to NM."
I was my M's Barbie doll, too. I am always surprised, too, about the similarities in NM's. It is eerie! Ami
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nolonger,
Don't give in. Go and be your happy new self. I have also realized that people like you for who you are, not how you look. Have a great time, and ignore her. When you do want to work out, do it b/c you love the feeling and strength it gives you!!!!!
xo Beth
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It does feel like we all had the same mom. :( My Nmom had the eat everything on your plate rule too, then criticized any gain. That was during my teen years. After I married and had three children she would tell me how skinny she was after having her three. My dad would just look at her kinda weird, I always saw pictures of her heavy. I did loose weight after eating healthy and exercising and she told me that I looked anorexic! I said "Thank You!", I don't know why but I did. She looked surprised and said that it wasn't a compliment. I just replied "I know". She never mentioned my weight again. She would only look me up and down in disgust. They just love to pull any achievement right out from under you!
I have had NO contact with her in 15 years. Unfortunately my husband is an N. Go figure, thought I could fix this one right??? I didn't realize it until I stopped catering to all of his needs. Now he Hates me. The weight is back up. We did have two more children after I lost the weight and did keep it off for a while, but as soon as I stopped catering to him....geeze shouldn't he be helping me cater to the children instead of me catering to him??? He always did fight for their attention. I'm just plain old worn out! ((((((((To Everyone Living this nightmare)))))))
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Getnbetr
That's a good one..I'm going to try that. :P
To the rest..I've decided to just enjoy myself and my body..and that means not working out when I don't want to! :o
Even when it comes to dating, have people noticed that looks don't matter as much as NM's make it seem like? My NM seems to be way more concerned with my sexual attractiveness than men that I date are.
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Did all your NMs do that thing about how you shouldn't want to look attractive to men, because that made you a slut, but you needed to look attractive to men or you would never find a husband, without which you were nothing?
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Hello, Erin,
I personally have gained weight for the first time in my life, I'm certainly not obese, but I don't fit into my favorite sexy pants anymore. I have always been very healthy and into exercise and physical activities. In part I think it was precipitated by being around other people with bad eatting habits. Only in part. I have heard that weight gain is directly related to stress hormone levels. I've never tried to go on a diet or lose weight. I may start soon.
Good luck Erin.
I personally enjoy healthy food and exercise a lot, more then being lethargic and eatting junk, it seems like it is just a matter of getting all the ducks in a row.
The "Why Bother" thinking comes into the whole body thing.
For me, the last two-three years have been my worst for "WHY BOTHER" when it comes to my body. It was precipitated by some surgery I had for minor cancer issue.
A friend of mine got a subscription to weight watchers, there are support groups and online resources. I never tried anything like that but it worked very well for him. I could SEE a huge difference. He looked healthier and happier and more energetic. For him personally the support groups encouraged him to stay on track and provided that positive peer group experience he needed.
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My friend age 60, who retired early from a highly successful corporate career with a golden parachute...went to visit her Nmother a few years ago.
Her Nmother met her at the door, looked at her, grabbed the bottom front of her blouse and yanked it up in the air to expose her body and told her "You've gained weight."
:shock:
Hops
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My friend age 60, who retired early from a highly successful corporate career with a golden parachute...went to visit her Nmother a few years ago.
Her Nmother met her at the door, looked at her, grabbed the bottom front of her blouse and yanked it up in the air to expose her body and told her "You've gained weight."
:shock:
Hops
DANG!!!!!
I would have reflexively back-handed her if she did THAT to me in public!!!!!! :twisted:
Bones