Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival => Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board => Topic started by: HeartofPilgrimage on October 26, 2009, 11:47:28 AM
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This is so weird. In some ways my mom is not nearly as bad as some of you have suffered through, but she is weird nevertheless. I guess I wouldn't be on this forum if she were "normal", now would I?
I live in the southern U.S., where traditionally Thanksgiving dinner is served at noon or early afternoon. However, this year my husband's brother and his family are coming to T'giving, and won't arrive til mid-afternoon T'giving day. (Because they live so far away, and have to work the day before). So, we are having our T'giving dinner as the evening meal, around 6 or 7.
When my mother first found out about this, she started getting all worked up. Started sniping at me, telling me I was making all these changes and what other changes did I have in mind, etc. I said, there are no changes! We just have to have dinner when the guests are able to be there. She began to argue with me, and basically was starting to get me confused ... I was dumbfounded that this would upset her! When she started arguing and being weird, I abruptly said, Umm I have to go I'll talk to you later. And then I didn't call her for a week.
Well, this morning I talked to her. Other family members will be coming in on Friday (day after Thanksgiving), and she said why don't we just have Thanksgiving dinner on Friday. I said no, I'm planning to have it at dinnertime on Thanksgiving Day. She said well then she and my stepfather won't come. I asked why, she was vague ... said it was too late to eat such a big meal. She offered to make the dressing, but I said no, if y'all aren't coming, I can do it.
I didn't get mad, and really she didn't seem mad either, but her reasoning seems stupid. Actually this is not the first time she has gone ballistic over the timing of the Thanksgiving meal. Years ago, she lived much further away, and we drove about 7 hours pulling an RV, with four kids, and were not going to get there til mid afternoon. She got mad then because we were not going to get up early enough to be there by noon (although my husband had to work the day before, and besides nobody on earth could convince him to get up that early so it was not really my choice). Back then I got mad back (I didn't know about N). Then we had a big fight over the phone ... stupid.
I guess if it weren't for 1) the incident years ago, and 2) the fact that she got sooo angry and worked up when the "schedule change" was even suggested, I would think that her reasoning had to do with the fact that she and my stepfather are elderly and maybe their digestion isn't so hot late in the evening. But a flexible person would say something like, "Well, we'll eat earlier in the day and come out for dessert" or something like that.
This is so stupid! Those of you in Britain or Europe eat late all the time! It's not like it will make you sick! And I'm suggesting a 6 or 7 p.m. dinner, not a 10 p.m. dinner! And, why is she OK with eating Thanksgiving dinner the day AFTER the holiday but not with eating it in the evening?????
This is just one of those things that she has a "thing" about.
Well, after I showed her that I was not mad but that I also was keeping Thanksgiving dinner when I said I was having it, she kind of backed down and said, "Well, we'll see what happens as it gets closer." She's not a hard-nose N like my aunt or like some moms you guys have experienced ... although as soon as I say that she's gonna call me and ream me out, I just know it :).
I am also having heartbreak in other areas. I mentioned that my DIL and her mother both appear to be Ns. I am pretty sure that the DIL lacks the ability to examine herself and reflect on her actions, I've come to that conclusion since my last post about it. My husband and I have had to stand up to the DIL and her family on some issues (including the fact that the DIL's family is up in her and my son's butt all the time, they have no privacy and the DIL's mother appears to be in control of that household) ... and now we are being treated as if we were the Great Satan. My son works nights and sleeps days, and doesn't spend very much time at home and awake (maybe that's how he's standing it) ... and the DIL is making it extraordinarily difficult to see the baby. My son actually had to call in sick to work the other night because his own paternal grandmother had driven 5 hours to see the baby and the DIL wouldn't make time for the great-grandmother on our side to see the new baby.
Our hearts are hurting. The only good part I can see about my mother being the way she is, is that I have some experience dealing with this kind of person. But I do believe that in my son's wife and in-laws, I'm dealing with more serious sickness than exists in my own mother. It makes me sick inside to think about it.
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With N's......it's all about CONTROL, CONTROL, CONTROL because they view you as only an object to be CONTROLLED!!!!!! :P
Bones
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Dear HoP,
In another post we were discussing exactly this: that one always sees what happens to them as 'normal' and what happens to others as very big deal. I think everybody feels that way. Between us I find that sometimes it's the small little annoying things that are worst than one very big and dramatic.
Your M is obviously annoyed, not because of the schedule change, but because she wants to have something to complain about. I bet if you had the Tgiving dinner the usual time, she would want to change it just for kicks!
How does your son see his wife? Is he aware of N issues?
P.
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Persephone, You're right ... you get so accustomed to whatever it is you've had to live with all your life, that it no longer seems that big of a deal. At least not compared to others' stories! Because other people's stories are new, I guess.
I don't know how my son sees his wife. I don't think he knew her very well when she got pregnant ... which of course is something I've preached to him all of his life (I taught my kids to wait til marriage, but at the very least not just to hop in the bed with somebody you're not in love with). Of course I don't really KNOW if he truly loved her but I do know that I had no idea they were doing more than just casual dating until he said they were getting married, that she was pregnant. He has not communicated with us very well in a long time. He is only 21. If you ask questions to try to generate conversation, his answer is "everything's fine." But, he works 12 hour graveyard shifts and is adamant he likes working this way. And, he has retreated into video games ... which his brother (age 19) pointed out, he only tends to do when he is very stressed out. He adores his daughter and helps take care of her, but doesn't communicate well with us. If I catch him at home alone with the baby, he seems eager for me to drop by, talk, love on the baby. But he also is not being obviously proactive about counteracting this excessive involvement of his MIL. I think he is probably overwhelmed and frustrated, but that's just a guess --- he hasn't told us much.
I don't like to bring up the problems with his wife unless I just HAVE to, because he tends to defend her. I know that is natural, so I try not to set us up for that. His wife has accused me of undermining her behind her back (which I have NOT NOT NOT done), so I have back-handed evidence that there are arguments and that he is standing up for himself ... but he is private about that.
Her family sucked us ONCE into their business ... her mother sent me an email reaming my son and saying her daughter was at her wit's end and that something had to be done. We got suckered but have learned. My husband called son and DIL together to find out what in the world was going on (basically my son was going passive-aggressive and refusing to cooperate, and DIL is not used to not having her way ALL THE TIME and was drawing both sets of parents into it to "set him straight"). Well, when my husband called them together to talk to them, DIL's parents came in and sat down like they were ready to rumble. I was there but sat in another room 'cause I was not going to participate except as my husband's support. I was shocked and appalled that the whole family was gathered to "deal" with my son (that was not why we were there, but it seemed like that was the way it was turning out). My husband did not ream my son but basically told them that they were an adult couple now, that my son does not need to be passive and my DIL does not need to make their problems public even to parents.
Well, then I sent DIL's mother an e mail the next day saying please do not send anymore e mails like that to me. I also let her know that I thought a lot of what she put in her e mail was petty stuff. I also e mailed the DIL telling her about the other e mail (she DEFINITELY knew about and approved of her mother's original message) ... and told her she could talk to me about anything but it needs to come from her, not from a third party like her mother. Well, since that time my husband and I are "persona non grata". We are cut out in as many ways as they possibly can cut us out.
So, basically I am waiting. Waiting to see if my son is going to get enough. Waiting to see what will happen in a few months. Waiting. Waiting.
Confrontation really doesn't help the relationship but with these people just taking it and taking it doesn't work either. So I've tried to ignore as much stupidity as possible and be courageous and honest when I can't ignore it. When she refused (over a text message) to make time for my own MIL to see the baby, I was blunt that her attitude was unacceptable. I then contacted my son (who was working all weekend and was very hard to catch, but I was able to get a hold of him) and asked him to make arrangements. This set the DIL off. She texted me back and launched a personal attack telling me I talked to her like she is dumb and showed no interest in her during the pregnancy. (THis is a blatant lie ... I tried hard to find some way to help that she would accept but I was always told no. I don't know what's she's talking about, about the dumb thing, and she did not answer me when I asked what have I said to you that has made you feel like that).
Sorry this is so long and confusing. It's just so much stupid petty drama. Once I started writing about it, I just kept going!
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I think some people just like to create a drama for the sake of it. You're right, it's one meal, being eaten at 7pm. There's nothing unreasonable about that; in fact if someone else is cooking for me I don't care what time I eat, the fact that someone else cooked is fabulous! And being cut out of your DIL's family is what tends to happen to those who dissent; the fact that you stated they are adults and are entitled to privacy in their relationship without parents meddling wouldn't have gone down well with control freaks! I had a similar situation with my son's father, who just kept trying to take over and step in when his son should have been sorting things out (you could see why he was very immature as he'd clearly never been allowed to live his own life his way). We don't speak anymore!