Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival => Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board => Topic started by: Ami on November 21, 2009, 07:23:19 AM
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I answered my cell phone w/out looking at the person's name and it was my M. The main feeling I had was shock that she has NO feelings for my pain.
I have been NC for almost 2 years. In that time, I was able to see myself as separate person .
When I talked to her , I realized she is a sociopath. It felt scary and horrible like a snake was rubbing it's body next to mine.
I can't eat cuz every time I think about her, I feel sick.
She IS missing a piece where she can feel for others.
The big question is "Who am *I* when *I* am Daughter of Snake????? Ami
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I answered my cell phone w/out looking at the person's name and it was my M. The main feeling I had was shock that she has NO feelings for my pain.
I have been NC for almost 2 years. In that time, I was able to see myself as separate person .
When I talked to her , I realized she is a sociopath. It felt scary and horrible like a snake was rubbing it's body next to mine.
I can't eat cuz every time I think about her, I feel sick.
She IS missing a piece where she can feel for others.
The big question is "Who am *I* when *I* am Daughter of Snake????? Ami
Repeat After Me:
Ami is NOT evil!
NWomb-Donor is EVIL!!!!!! NWomb-Donor was NEVER a mother! NWomb-Donor NEVER DESERVED the title of mother!
Bones
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I answered my cell phone w/out looking at the person's name and it was my M. The main feeling I had was shock that she has NO feelings for my pain.
I have been NC for almost 2 years. In that time, I was able to see myself as separate person .
When I talked to her , I realized she is a sociopath. It felt scary and horrible like a snake was rubbing it's body next to mine.
I can't eat cuz every time I think about her, I feel sick.
She IS missing a piece where she can feel for others.
The big question is "Who am *I* when *I* am Daughter of Snake????? Ami
Repeat After Me:
Ami is NOT evil!
NWomb-Donor is EVIL!!!!!! NWomb-Donor was NEVER a mother! NWomb-Donor NEVER DESERVED the title of mother!
Bones
I am afraid that inside I am like her, Bones. Ami
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I answered my cell phone w/out looking at the person's name and it was my M. The main feeling I had was shock that she has NO feelings for my pain.
I have been NC for almost 2 years. In that time, I was able to see myself as separate person .
When I talked to her , I realized she is a sociopath. It felt scary and horrible like a snake was rubbing it's body next to mine.
I can't eat cuz every time I think about her, I feel sick.
She IS missing a piece where she can feel for others.
The big question is "Who am *I* when *I* am Daughter of Snake????? Ami
Repeat After Me:
Ami is NOT evil!
NWomb-Donor is EVIL!!!!!! NWomb-Donor was NEVER a mother! NWomb-Donor NEVER DESERVED the title of mother!
Bones
I am afraid that inside I am like her, Bones. Ami
You are NOT like her!
You ARE NOT her!
You have your own IDENTITY APART FROM NWomb-Donor!
NWomb-Donor's EVIL IS HER EVIL, NOT YOURS!
Bones
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Do you ever worry that you are like she is, Bones? xxoo Ami
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I have looked at this question from many angles over the years Ami. I think a lot of the answer comes from your spiritual beliefs and are more in keeping with questions like, "what am to learn from this experience" and "what is she to learn from having me as a daughter.
From a Christian perspective I would say that you are a person strong enough to survive her bad behavior and not take it into the world with you. Some soul had to be strong enough to inhabit the child she made and make the best of that life. For reasons we may not understand in this life, God chose you. Perhaps it is because you are strong enough to keep a sane distance from her and minimize the damage that she does to you and by that her own soul.
From an Eastern perspective and reincarnation, you would either be someone who has something to learn from this experience or something to teach and who is learning from and being taught to is not always obvious. It could be a younger sibling, friend or neighbor who benefits from seeing how you handle yourself in spite of her behavior. It could be that this soul has fallen so far that only a truly great spirit can withstand being her child and be an example of what normalcy is. It could be that while she only makes a dent in eons of selfishness during this lifetime that you gain much in awareness and growth.
From a secular humanist perspective, the fact that you have the awareness and concern to ask the question, suggests that you have embraced a life view that is opposed to "snakehood" and have enough introspection to be a person well worth knowing.
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Ami,
One thing I know, ALL children internalize their parents to some extent. Just like the way baby geese latch on to the first living thing they see, it is absolutely normal and natural. The problem in your life is that the thing you were given to latch onto was so horribly defective.
How I dealt with this is, I consciously sat down and made a list of the kind of person *I* wanted to be. No big surprise that that person is just the opposite of what *she* is. Some qualities I included were:
Strength
Compassion
Kindness
Courage
Sexuality
Adventurousness
Fun
Then, whenever A situation came up where I had to make a decision of some kind, I would ask myself, how would a brave/kind/ adventurous/whatever person act in this situation. And then I did it. This is definitely one of those things that falls into the simple-but-not-easy category. It took me years and I am still working on it. But little by little, I have switched my internal setting from what was programmed *for* me by my upbringing, to what * I* want for myself. Now I feel inside that I really am that kind of person I wanted to be, and I feel wrong inside when I act in a way that does not reflect my internal values.
Sometimes I still want to fall back into the old ways. I want to be overly-serious and not let anybody have any fun. I want to be selfish and bitchy and abusive. Sometimes I have to fight myself to regain control, and sometimes I don't win. Then I have to forgive myself and plan how to do better next time.
That's what worked for me. If you think it might work for you, I will be behind you every step of the way. Well, I'm behind you anyway, but you knew what I meant, right?
Hang in there, Ami. It takes a lot of strength and courage to ask the tough questions you have been asking lately, so there, you are already on your way. Keep up the good fight.
Love,
Erin
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Hey Ami
The big question is "Who am *I* when *I* am Daughter of Snake?????
maybe like me: in some ways, unlucky; in some ways, lucky.
Even though I was called 'evil' I never thought that of myself. I think I thought.....that person is wrong, stupid, angry, unthinking, insane, aggressive....and really felt, above all else, confusion. Why don't they love me? Is this all a sham? is the whole world really like this? What is wrong here? WHY am i being called evil? What crime did I commit that I have no knowledge of? If it's a crime to want the truth, then I'm evil. If it's a crime to want love, respect etc, then that makes sense eh?
Daughter of snake says: genes mean very little. I'm living proof. Take care Ami. x
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Repeat After Me:
Ami is NOT evil!
NWomb-Donor is EVIL!!!!!! NWomb-Donor was NEVER a mother! NWomb-Donor NEVER DESERVED the title of mother!
Bones
Bones, you're so artful in your "NWomb-Donor" expressions. I just laugh out loud, they're so great! And true!
It could be that this soul has fallen so far that only a truly great spirit can withstand being her child and be an example of what normalcy is. It could be that while she only makes a dent in eons of selfishness during this lifetime that you gain much in awareness and growth.
This is beautiful. It hits home. I'm the only person of "family" that really talks to my NM. She's divorced, single, has a NC son, 6 siblings that don't speak to one another, has an NM herself, dead father, dead mother-in-law, bickers with neighbors and friends, etc. Oh, but she has God and that's all she needs.
Ami: :shock: :shock: :shock: :shock: What happened? Why did your NM call you? What did you say? What did the "snakelady" say??? :shock:
Bear
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((((Sea, Bones, Erin ,Portia, Bear)))
Dear Bear,
I will tell you tomorrow what she said. I am too tired tonight. xxxxoooo Ami
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From a mother's perspective, I have come to realize that children never really belong to us. They are given to us that we might nurture them and give them a good start, but they are not "ours" ... they belong to themselves and to God.
But, if your mother was an N and saw you as an extension of herself, then you were raised to think of yourself that way too. So, it's not so much about "Who am I if my mother was a snake?" as much as disconnecting the two things ... you are not an extension of your mother no matter how strongly you were raised to think of yourself that way. You belong to yourself and to God.
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Repeat After Me:
Ami is NOT evil!
NWomb-Donor is EVIL!!!!!! NWomb-Donor was NEVER a mother! NWomb-Donor NEVER DESERVED the title of mother!
Bones
Bones, you're so artful in your "NWomb-Donor" expressions. I just laugh out loud, they're so great! And true!
It could be that this soul has fallen so far that only a truly great spirit can withstand being her child and be an example of what normalcy is. It could be that while she only makes a dent in eons of selfishness during this lifetime that you gain much in awareness and growth.
This is beautiful. It hits home. I'm the only person of "family" that really talks to my NM. She's divorced, single, has a NC son, 6 siblings that don't speak to one another, has an NM herself, dead father, dead mother-in-law, bickers with neighbors and friends, etc. Oh, but she has God and that's all she needs.
Ami: :shock: :shock: :shock: :shock: What happened? Why did your NM call you? What did you say? What did the "snakelady" say??? :shock:
Bear
Thanks, Bear!
Bones
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((((((Heart))))) Thank you! xxooo Ami
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Dear Bear
What happened was that my M was talking about a time when I was an early teen and was at a friends house. The step father was looking at me in a really scary way. I called my mother to come pick me up and she said "You made your bed, you lie in it".IOW, you went over there, stay there.
My F finally came to get me.
What she said on the phone was that she wasn't gonna come get me and she acted PROUD that she was so tough !!!!
She was gonna leave me there to stay overnight and probably be raped . Ami
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Holy crap. You M is horrendous for saying that. BTW, is she just your M or your NM? Not trying to pry but she's got the traits, no? What on earth made her bring up a story like that? Was she just reminscing about her glory days??? LOL!
:D :D :D :shock:
(((((((((((((Ami))))))))))))))))
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Holy crap. You M is horrendous for saying that. BTW, is she just your M or your NM? Not trying to pry but she's got the traits, no? What on earth made her bring up a story like that? Was she just reminscing about her glory days??? LOL!
:D :D :D :shock:
(((((((((((((Ami))))))))))))))))
Dear Bear,
I am so used to these stories that they don't seem so bad. I get surprised when other people act shocked. KWIM?
What happened was that I said my F never protected me. She protested that he picked me up from the kid's house when she didn't want to. That was how it came up. She had a tough attitude that she would have let me stay--what a Big shot. She would have let a 13 year old kid stay overnight at a creepy guy's house who would have hurt her.
My NM is a practicing therapist. Did you know that, Bear? xxxoo Ami
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((hugs)) Ami..that's awful that your mom said that, although you probably had to "get used" to it to survive. Don't tell me that your mom treats sexual abuse survivors too, does she (if you know?) That's just scary. I'm sorry your dad didn't protect you. It's sad how so many of us were alone and neglected, yet we're still here and it didn't kill us.
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Hey Ami....
we are a LOT of things due to being children o' Ns, but like Erin described so well... we are able to choose to not let that programming or emotional conditioning be in control of who we are and we realize that we can do "better", those times we do automatically "channel" the conditioned "evil mom" - we apologize and know we were in the wrong. And for me, that is how we are DEFINITELY "not like them". They can't choose; they can't learn to be their core selves... they can't apologize or change.
It's just a myth (and the myth is "busted", i.e. no truth in it) that we inevitably become our mothers.
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Thank you (((NLAS and Amber))))
I had a dream last night that I was in a hostage situation. I finally saw a group of people who would help me. I knew one was my M even though she looked different. I said," I found you. Thank Goodness". She looked at the others slyly. I looked around and saw there were several emotions on their faces--blankness, shame, anger, hatred.
She said,"We are gonna kill you."
I played along by saying "That is Ok. I am ready to die. I won't make problems." They seemed relieved. Then, they put me in a tree house as a prison until they could kill me. I fought back and some people came to help. Then,I said,"Someone call the police".I wondered why it took so long to FIGURE out to call the police.
Then , the police came and I knew it was over.
My feelings during the dream were mainly strength of will that I could overcome .