Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival => Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board => Topic started by: Hopalong on December 01, 2009, 04:33:54 PM
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My Nboss just responded to our salary negotiations with a long email that
(hold your breath, this will amaze you):
1) enumerated and exaggerated every fault (I have some)
2) belittled, minimized and glossed over an impressive (not to him) list of accomplishments, initiatives, improvements
I marketed our company so well this year that despite the recession, he still made $4.5 million. But I'm paid about like a junior secretary. I even got us on Oprah.com. In national magazines (even editorial mention, not just advertising), on radio shows, etc, etc.
He just really got into it. Longest email I've gotten from him all year. Still get a tiny raise, but am being paid waaaay below my responsibilities and performance regardless.
I'm suffering but less than I used to. Overall, I'll be using this as more motivation to get the hell out of here into a new job.
One day it will happen and it will be SUCH a pleasure to leave.
thanks for listening,
Hops
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You go girl!!
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Nothing like an N in the works of an already bad corporate America!
My college just sent out emails to all faculty saying our records aren't complete. They want a RESUME. I've worked their for over 30 years. Isn't it a little late to see if I was worth hiring???
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Bummer Hops.
That would just eat my lunch to have that happen. Well, you have been in places like this before and you know how to be patient before you kick your way through the door. Here's hoping that will be very soon...
CB
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Oh Hops
That is the unbelievableest that I've ever heard!
(((((((((((((())))))))))))))))))))))
love Izzy
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He just loathes women, contempt drips from him (beneath the snake smile and gooey voice).
Yet he'll take me to lunch and tell me he feels so CLOSE to me. BLEAAAHH.
I loathe him, actually. Big spiritual job for me to set boundaries, keep my peace, and not hate him. I don't fear him any more, though. I've detached that much.
Thing is, you can't expect an N to necessarily fail. Business often rewards that kind of toxic power.
Oh I do want out of there.
thanks, all, Sealynx, CB, Izzy...thank you for your compassion.
xo,
Hops
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Hops, hoping that a new job comes your way really soon that guy sounds unbearable. Can you go over his head for a raise or is he the top man? Hope something changes for you soon!! Two xx
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Hi Tupp,
It's a small manufacturer, and he owns the place.
In fact, he thinks he owns the people.
:(
Hops
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I'll be making the requisite sacrifices to the gods of justice, that when you DO find a door opening to leave there, that the timing will be the worst it could possibly be for this slimeball... and that you feel comfortable enough to set a boundary that prohibits "helping him out" until he hires a replacement for you. You don't owe him any favors at that payrate, ya know?
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Hi Hops,
He just loathes woman, contempt drips from him (beneath the snake smile and gooey voice).
Oh my...is his name SLITHER?
It's hard not to be blindsided even when you know what you're dealing with.
Your day will come, hang in there.
tt
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Hi Hops,
I have witnessed people using performance reviews to get really nasty and to take out on others personal issues.
I wouldn't give too much importance.
A friend had a boss who was nasty to everyone and everyone had to go through a disciplinary every month!
Eventually everybody quit and now she is left alone to run an invisible team of staff.
P.
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True enough, Perspehone.
I need to grab my career back and stop being afraid (and internalizing other's ageism and sexism).
There's hope for me!
thanks,
Hops
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Hops, I hope you find someone who will appreciate you... but I think bosses (in my experience) tend to be egomaniacs and to feel threatened when they have a person who is very accomplished. It sets the bar for them, and sometimes I think they don't want to live up to that... Does that make sense? I am glad you realize your worth. Kisses, Beth
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Beth, all too true about bosses!
I've had my share of experiences with some doozies. But since I've recently become "the boss"... I can at least speak from the "other side" now. There is absolutely no reason for bosses to fear talented people, their ideas, or input except their own insecurities and N-spots. A "healthy" company nurtures talent, rewards efforts and recognizes contributions - and treats it's employees like human beings - not some endlessly replaceable "commodity" like widgets.
It's important that when a company succeeds that everyone in the company succeeds commensurate with their contributions. And that it's not just monetary rewards or a token "award". And to my way of thinking, there's no basis for the belief that the only way to earn/keep respect is through a culture of fear. But that belief persists.
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Nothing like an N in the works of an already bad corporate America!
My college just sent out emails to all faculty saying our records aren't complete. They want a RESUME. I've worked their for over 30 years. Isn't it a little late to see if I was worth hiring???
Our school did the same a while back. It was actually a way of seeing what other qualifications we had in order to see if we could teach other specialisms/subjects. (In other words to save money on hiring new staff)
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Apparently in our case it was at first to see who lacked certain qualifications so they could be reduced in salary and then they realized they had thrown away all the resumes and could not prove why they hired anyone. Basically they hired a hatchet man at 120K and since he really doesn't have much to do they are digging up these things.
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Who ever is pissed off at their bosses/jobs etc, may I recommend you watch an independent comedy called 'Office Space'?
It's a classic and it will definitely cheer you up!
P
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Hops - you deserve better and he does not deserve you at all. Here's to a fantastic career shift for you in 2010! It's your turn!
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Hops, I can't wait until you leave that pit of a boss. He's just unworthy. Unworthy of all of it. The review you received is nothing but a paper crutch that won't hold his weight, or even yours.
Cream rises to the top. 8)
"First they ignore you. Then they laugh at you. Then they fight you. Then you win." (Mahatma Ghandi)
Bear
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Hi Hopalong,
I'm sorry that you are in a situation where you have (even for the moment) to tolerate such nonsense. Here's pulling for you, in finding a place that will appreciate you!
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Sorry to hear this, Hops. A single owner who is also in charge day to day may never learn or change. I know because this description fits my NF to a tee--he treats his employees with contempt because he has no respect for anyone but himself. I once had a problem at work and told him how I'd chosen to handle it and he called me a "stupid clerk." OK, well, there you go. I happened not to be a clerk, so when I called him on it he told me he was just using an example, he wasn't really calling ME that. Sigh. Of course he was. This is how these people operate--I often ask myself, when questioning if someone is an N, if I can point to ANYONE whose life is better simply as a result of knowing them.
On the other hand, I did work with a man who received a review like yours. It was unbelievable, untrue and totally unfair. He was one of their most valuable employees--the problem was that there were two middle managers who had it in for him for some sophomoric and asinine reason, and the owner wasn't paying attention. In this case, the owner came to me (after my co-worker found another, better job and quit) and asked for the truth, and I gave it to him with both barrels. Unfortunately I realize you are dealing with the owner, so...
I hope you'll let us know when you WALK because we'll all celebrate with you.
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PR, TT, Beth, Bear, Sealynx, Pilgrim, Persephone, GS, Gjazz...
thank you all. I hope I didn't skip anybody.
It really was such a comfort to come here and spill it out!
A small business, run by an N, is really just like an Nfamily.
The "gift within the problem" is that I do know what I'm dealing with. And I'm not a helpless child.
I've been rehearsing Medium Chill, while doing my best to find another post.
I know, eventually, I will. And that will be One Sweet Day.
Unlike with my mother, with this boss I feel as though I'll actually walk free when I walk.
Meanwhile, what a help and comfort to have you all to talk to!
Thank you for all the understanding and validation.
It's worth so so so much!
love to all,
Hops
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Hops - Check out a book called BULLIES AT WORK by Dr. Gary Namie. You might be able to recognize your boss there and he has advice to dealing with precisely this issue.
If he were simply not able to give you a raise, he would simply say "NO" or "NOT THIS TIME". But if he tells you that your performance is below par when you know its not -he is scapegoating you - then he's very likely a BULLY and, possibly an N. Either way, thats a bad situation.
Also, Sealnyx - use some caution when submitting that resume, that has the potential to be a very clever ploy for them to decide that your experience is "not suitable" for the "new" direction that school needs, hence, they let you go and you are without recourse, even when your work/performance and credentials are fine. They may also be looking for anyone who has inflated their credentials.
Good luck to you both!!
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he's very likely a BULLY and, possibly an N. Either way, thats a bad situation
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Thanks for the book suggestion, Ales, I'll check it out.
Oh he is definitely NPD. Somatic narcissist, I'd call him, as well (his view of his own intelligence is pretty inflated...)
The bullying is very subtle, but the scapegoating's become obvious to all.
He's extremely afraid of women deep down. I challenge him in ways he can't bear.
I think I mentioned he lived in an ashram for 20 years, doing whatever the guru ordered (at some points crawling across the floor to kiss the guru's feet). He was a "renunciate" for 7 years, including 5 years of his marriage (I don't think his wife had a choice, because Nboss was ambitious...). When he left after a big sex scandal (about the guru) he became incredibly self-righteous. He's a trustee for a big lawsuit against the guru. He was the ashram's bookkeeper and knew where a lot of the money went. He refers to himself as "enlightened" and orders us to meditate at business retreats, say Ohhhmmmm, etc., never asking if we'd like to participate. He is a mini-guru-Me.
Bleahhh.
Anyhow, after he attacks, he coos and gushes and tries to get my approval/attention again. It's absolutely transparent, so ... I more or less am fine with Medium Chill.
Just don't like the man.
One relief in recent months is that one very decent coworker has been acknowledging aloud to me in private that he sees what's going on. Just that crumb of validation has eased the pain a lot.
And plotting to get a new job is the best antidote ever!
hugs
Hops