Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival => Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board => Topic started by: Nonameanymore on December 14, 2009, 08:04:09 AM
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I come and go like a comet these days on this board...
One of my favourite writers, Elizabeth Wurtzel, mentions in one of her books that she discloses often very private information to complete strangers and I realised that I am doing the same. Sometimes I am motivated by the need not to sound boring so I go ahead and disclose things that I find 'interesting', not exacly to complete strangers of course, but the whole thing is often inappropriate.
I think that I got this from NM and it's really one of the things that I sort of copied as she exaggerated her stories for obviously stupid reasons.
As I grow older I also realise that a little bit of mystery is always good, not of the manipulative sort but rather that some information are to be shared later on, when you know someone better and they know you better too, or better things should be left unsaid and are mine and only mine.
Does anybody find themselves doing the same?
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I know what you mean(((P))). It may be that we were not mirrored as children so we need others to tell us who we are and that we are OK. Sometimes, we may need others to tell us that we actually even exist as a solid self.
Those are my thoughts on it.
As our selves strengthen maybe we won't need to do it as much. xxoo Ami
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I think this is a part of the healing journey, because you just want to get out something that you were supposed to hide for so long.
I can speak for myself only, but I went through a stage (when I was living with NM) where I needed constant reassurance and couldn't stop talking about my past abuse. This is how I got addicted to yahoo answers (which didn't help in the long run). I just wanted to make sure that there were empathic people out there, because my NM and ex brainwashed me to believe that the world is sadistic. No matter how much reassurance I got, it was never enough. My NM or ex was there to say something mean that would cause me to fall back down.
A few people accused me of lying, because they said "Nobody would be that open and casual about it."
I have moved past that now. It takes a lot of time. I had to realize that my mom and ex were lying about a lot of things. Once I felt more confident, I didn't feel the need to seek reassurance about me being treated like crap.
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Yeah, I have that problem. I don't really reveal too much to strangers as much as just feel the need to tell too much in general. For myself, I think it comes from this family weirdness: You were expected to read minds. If you couldn't read someone else's mind, and you didn't know without being told what they were expecting out of you, you were BAD. However, if you just admitted fault upfront (and the N in the family could feel superior) it went much easier with you. So that I ended up spilling my guts about stuff because I have a deep need for people to understand my motives and that they were well-intentioned.
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I've been working on that trait for a while. Self justification and the assumption that no is listening to me (because no one ever did) are what I think promote that behavior.
I think the motivation to speak on boards comes from a slightly different source. We were subjected to a very strict code when growing up. It was a ridiculous, ever changing one, but a code none the less. This caused me to react in a similar but reactive fashion. Since I was taught the world runs on codes, then I need a really good code and at the very least someone to complain to about people who break that code. Support groups provide that complaint department and as someone else noted provides that mirroring that we never got.
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I come and go like a comet these days on this board...
One of my favourite writers, Elizabeth Wurtzel, mentions in one of her books that she discloses often very private information to complete strangers and I realised that I am doing the same. Sometimes I am motivated by the need not to sound boring so I go ahead and disclose things that I find 'interesting', not exacly to complete strangers of course, but the whole thing is often inappropriate.
I think that I got this from NM and it's really one of the things that I sort of copied as she exaggerated her stories for obviously stupid reasons.
As I grow older I also realise that a little bit of mystery is always good, not of the manipulative sort but rather that some information are to be shared later on, when you know someone better and they know you better too, or better things should be left unsaid and are mine and only mine.
Does anybody find themselves doing the same?
This board never ceases to amaze me. I have never seen this written down before yet, I do this all the time! I spill out all kinds of useless and personal information to people I don't even really know and that always leaves me humiliated and the "why did I say all that?" questions start, then I get nervous and obsess over what I said..then I want to go to that person that I just told everything to and recant (although I never do) but it's the feeling I have.
I think Ami, HoP, NLAS, & Seal are all right here. It comes from deep within to feel "okay" and "heard." I grew up with suppressed feelings so they must be coming out. I just don't know why it manifests itself in this manner. Why don't I just calm down and stay quiet?
It is a very frustrating problem for me. Where do I begin to work on this???
Any advice for me would be helpful.... :? :( :?
Bear
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thanks to everyone for their input but bear, this is exactly what i am talking about!
for instance someone may ask how did i spend the weekend and instead of saying fine, i will go into detail of what i did, with who, if it was the man i am seeing what we did, what he did, how i reacted to it etc, etc, etc. UNSOLICITED information.
the only justification for me now is that NM made me narrate with every detail what i did, then used the info against me. for instance, if I would go out with a boy who was a bit loud, she made me feel at ease to tell her everything, then when she was screaming and yelling (maybe only a few hours later) she would tell me i am no good for dating troublemakers.
most of the times bear just like you, i regret sharing all this info. the man i am seeing now is a bit of a sphinx, but i do admire his ability not to share too much to others. i don't completely agree with him, but i see that sometimes this is useful. maybe this is what i am learning.
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Great points Persephone! NM tried made me shut up all the time even when I was hurting and screaming on the inside. In my teens I was afraid to show her that I was crying and sad :cry: so I would cry in my closet and when I heard her coming I would jump out and wash my face and act like nothing was wrong. I think that is where my anxiety comes from as well, don't know though.
I need to work on staying calm and quiet and not sharing so much info with people. I hate that about myself...it really bothers me a lot!!! I admire people who don't say a lot and think before talking. I feel I don't "think" before I speak sometimes and the remorse is unbearable. :oops: :oops: :oops: :oops:
HELP!!!!!
Thank you for posting this PP. I needed to tell someone and I hope others will give their expert pointers :)
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the only justification for me now is that NM made me narrate with every detail what i did, then used the info against me. for instance, if I would go out with a boy who was a bit loud, she made me feel at ease to tell her everything, then when she was screaming and yelling (maybe only a few hours later) she would tell me i am no good for dating troublemakers. most of the times bear just like you, i regret sharing all this info. the man i am seeing now is a bit of a sphinx, but i do admire his ability not to share too much to others. i don't completely agree with him, but i see that sometimes this is useful. maybe this is what i am learning.
Wow, this is what my mom did to me. She somehow manipulated me into telling her EVERYTHING, even information about my friends (she used this information to get them in trouble!). She would present herself as an open-minded and caring woman. Her co-workers would divulge their inner secrets to her, yet she would come home and make fun of them! I wonder if she just needed to feel superior to people by knowing their dirty secrets.
I felt like I always HAD to tell the truth or I would get into trouble...b/c NM would punish me somehow for not sharing everything with her. A former best friend of mine yelled at me for not being able to keep my mouth shut in front of my NM (this friend made me look like a horrible person to everyone else). My NM didn't care that my reputation was ruined. She just wanted the sadistic satisfaction of spilling my friend's secrets to her mom .My NM had her way of getting what she wanted..the constant questions, the snooping, etc. She even told me I was a "shitty liar", hence causing me to feel insecure about hiding stuff from NM.
NM's didn't teach us a sense of boundaries, so it's hard to have them with others. Learning to say "None of your business" or "I don't feel like talking about it" is a new thing for me.
EDIT: Bearwithme, I was the same with crying. I had to hide it from my mom, or I would have to endure more mean comments from her.
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I still have to stop myself from providing justifications even if I did something completely spontaneous for NO REASON WHATSOEVER! And when I slip up and give this justification, afterwards I feel exhausted and ashamed, like I disrupted the flow of conversation in a terrible way and can't engage the other person again. I want to go off by myself and hide. I think the worst part is that the person who delivers this justification is not me. For that period of time I become a anxious child.
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I still have to stop myself from providing justifications even if I did something completely spontaneous for NO REASON WHATSOEVER! And when I slip up and give this justification, afterwards I feel exhausted and ashamed, like I disrupted the flow of conversation in a terrible way and can't engage the other person again. I want to go off by myself and hide. I think the worst part is that the person who delivers this justification is not me. For that period of time I become a anxious child.
I do the same sometimes. For some reason, I feel the need to explain myself as if I must not only justify myself but also defend myself because I am so sure the other person must be trying to sabotage me or use what I said or did against me somehow. This behavior, of course, is the result of NM's sabotage--"When your own mother tries to shoot you down and destroy you, what would stop anyone else from doing the same?" the inner child asks.
Also, since my NM destroyed all my personal boundaries, it is difficult to learn to build them up again--a step by step process. With each encounter, I am learning to do it better, though.
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In addition, something else I do is that I go around reciting my CV as I think that people will think of me as someone who is dumb and shallow. I supose this has an easy explanation, when I think that NM would call me useless/worthless pretty much daily.
It has been great reading your shares - I thought I was the only one in the world who would go around divulging unsolicited info
And guess what? I just did it again 5 minutes ago!
Oh well, if there's a pill, I would take it! :lol:
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I am the opposite of that. I don't talk. I'm very quiet, especially if more than one person is present. I clam up. Even just talking to one person I start to panic and have to fight through it without embarrassing myself. I think I don't talk because I was never listened to as a child. And if NM was talking you NEVER interrupted her; she would humiliate you if you did. So I got in the habit of listening to all conversations just as a bystander; I never participate. So people will ignore me. Which makes me feel even more left out. Even here on the board I don't write much. And what I do write I am nervous about and reread many times.
I am a teacher, so with students I don't have a problem. It's talking to the other teachers or the principal. Especially the principal. And at lunch I eat with 3 other teachers. I say maybe one sentence, and I notice how they all talk and go on and on and I can't think of anything to say. So mostly I listen. When we had a new teacher join our group, one of the teachers explained to her that I don't talk and then told her about me - husband, son, etc.. I had no problem with her doing that; actually I'm kind of glad.
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One of the reasons I like this forum and other forms of written communication is the chance to edit. When I'm talking, stuff just flows out and I wish desperately I could edit then! I started taking Concerta a couple of years ago because of a sleep disorder, and for awhile I was on too high of a dose ... and I would just embarrass myself by chattering like a chipmunk.
Whoever said that their Nmom would insist on them divulging all of their private information, that is definitely a part of my saying too much. I don't really remember it from my childhood, but I have observed her doing that with my children. Often she will tell me something that my kids told her, and once I confronted my daughter about telling Grandma before telling me important stuff, and she protested, but mom she just keeps asking questions and stuff and we didn't even mean to tell her! The weird thing is I can't really pinpoint that happening to me as a child, I guess because it was so normal and everyday that I took her intrusiveness for granted. You know she hasn't just started doing that as an old lady!
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I think with an NM, we could not have boundaries w/out being humiliated and demeaned. Maybe, we are afraid of having a self. I know *I* am :shock: :shock: xxoo Ami
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A question for y'all (that's short for all o y'all) on this thread. When you're doing your professional work, for instance teaching, in the midst of it do you do the chatter you regret later? The reason I'm asking is that as a business woman, I was very professional, didn't worry excessively about saying the wrong thing. I was well versed and professional in what I was doing and it was a skill I learned on my own as an adult and after leaving the FOO and first marriage. For the most part, it has only been in my personal, away from work, off time with friends or family that I do most of my second guessing. Anyone relate?
tt
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hi tt,
yes i sort of do it.
i am a script doctor and have crossed a couple of boundaries with a person whose script i am doctoring right now.
not anything crazy, it's just that after a while and when i get to know someone better, i sort of fall back to my feeling not good enough and level with him the wrong way, which means i can't really do my job well if I don't keep the boundaries so i can give him feedback.
p
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Yeah, I have that problem. I don't really reveal too much to strangers as much as just feel the need to tell too much in general. For myself, I think it comes from this family weirdness: You were expected to read minds. If you couldn't read someone else's mind, and you didn't know without being told what they were expecting out of you, you were BAD. However, if you just admitted fault upfront (and the N in the family could feel superior) it went much easier with you. So that I ended up spilling my guts about stuff because I have a deep need for people to understand my motives and that they were well-intentioned.
I came from a clan of what could be thought of as mind readers. One of the clan taught the trait, our Mom. From almost any encounter from which she may have garnered patchy 'facts', she could weave an entire story filling in the blanks and present them as if they were the gospel truth. My recall is that growing up, we all believed her fabrications. I caught on to this trait in her way past my own mid life. I have very strong intuition. It's there, but I'd not want to hang my hat on it's validity without a reliable backup 'second or third source' as the journalists say, especially if I were patching together facts to make a story that I could stand by. Anyway, coming into mid-life, I found that my intuition (which I think I was born with) complimented what I'd learned at her knee, i.e., filling in the blanks by pure fabrication, much the same way the tabloids do, thereby enticing us to gobble up the latest news as we wait in the check out line.
Going into recovery, of my many dysfunctions, this was one of the easiest to correct. I have no desire to indulge in hearsay, or scuttlebut. This whole process of straightening ourselves out is just that, a process. One stage, one step at a time. This thread has given me pause to review one of the steps where my progress has made a difference in how I think.
tt
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tt i think i have told you before that most of the times I really identify with what you share
in particular what you write about intuition - the thing i don't like about it is that it warns me about 'bad stuff' usually and i think that my negative thinking sort of attracts that 'bad stuff' that later my intuition picks up. this happens with romantic relationships in particular when my self-fulfilling prophecy 'this won't last' always comes true
something else that i discovered is that my saying too much probably comes as the need to report on what i am doing (i have to give NM a full report), to justify my moves and sometimes in the 'misery loves company' scenario, i have to top up a negative thinking someone is saying. it doesn't have to be something important - someone may say 'i am tired' then i have to say 'me too'.
Maybe this also comes from NM when she would be extremely jealous of something good happening to me, then i would just say something bad that happened to me (or make it up) so she won't feel bad that she doesn't have a nice experience to share (she never did though - it was always the world against her, out to get her)
Gee tt, i never realised the above until now.
how bizarre
this board is amazing!
P
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Hi P,
Thank you for the affirming words. :)
That's the thing. I rely strongly on intuition to navigate life. Because I'd come from a clan of mind readers, my intuition and filling in the blanks with pure fabrication were all jumbled up and dysfunctional well into mid life. Fabrication is lying. Intuition is just that and can be justified and or qualified as intuition when communicating. In other words, if I were relating what on the surface seemed like a reasonable story, but in reality was a combination of intuition, lying/fabrication and a smathering of facts, I could justify the facts and qualify my intuition, by saying, these are the facts I know, they're not comprehensive facts, however. I could qualify any intuition I have about the matter as nothing more and nothing less than intuition, giving the other person the opportunity to examine what I've said and draw their own conclusions. But I don't see how I or anyone could take a few facts combined with a little intuition, then fill in the blanks with fabrication (lies) and justify or qualify the lies except by saying something like, Oh by the way, the facts I related to you are reliable. You can draw your own conclusions about my intuition. But the rest of what I said is pure fabrication. In my mind, when the story is injected with fabrication, it becomes the proverbial one bad apple spoils the whole barrel.
tt
PS For me, intuition is something to use with great discretion. I don't think intuitives should indiscriminately speak forth what they feel they know inside. As far as I'm concerned, it's a gift and not one to cast about carelessly.
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TT,
I frequently share life stories with my classes because I teach a Philosophy based class. However, they are never in the form of justifications as I would share with friends. They are simply stories to illustrate a point I'm making. I will tell colleagues what it going on in my life but again, not the justifications. Those seem to pop up only when the other person is important to me emotionally...the worst place.
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A question for y'all (that's short for all o y'all) on this thread. When you're doing your professional work, for instance teaching, in the midst of it do you do the chatter you regret later? The reason I'm asking is that as a business woman, I was very professional, didn't worry excessively about saying the wrong thing. I was well versed and professional in what I was doing and it was a skill I learned on my own as an adult and after leaving the FOO and first marriage. For the most part, it has only been in my personal, away from work, off time with friends or family that I do most of my second guessing. Anyone relate?
tt
Same here..Even when I type things, I constantly re-check them to make sure they don't give off the wrong impression. My NM's tactics are so manipulative and smart that they seem "innocent" to the normal's eye, when I type it out.
As for intuition, I agree that it's something you shouldn't advertise. There will be someone there to invalidate you or make you feel crazy, and that leads you to not trusting it. In so many cases, your intuition is the most reliable and healthy source you have. Who wants to take NM's lousy advice anyway.
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P
someone may say 'i am tired' then i have to say 'me too'.
Not wanting to be a guru here, but how would you like your friend to respond had you been the one who first said, I'm tired?
I can think of a few things that might have worked in my house:
_Oh my goodness, lets sit down and have a smidge of icecream and talk. That should shed a different light on this tiredness you're feeling! Then let her talk.
-Or, baby, you've been working too hard. Lets relax with a glass of tea. Then let her talk through her tired place.
-Or what can I do for you in this momemt that will help this tiredness pass? Maybe go for a short walk?
I think I'm getting the impression that it's not so much the tiredness as it is to be heard and be affirmed and encouraged. What do you think?
tt
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thanks tt. no it's something different.
i feel embarassed sometimes to have something good to say. i feel like i stole the goodness and didn't really deserve it. so i have to pretend i am not ok too because the other person will feel bad.
sick i know.
i am not doing it so much the last 14 years that i am nc (i realised i wrote a couple of things in connection to nm in present tense that is really creepy!) but i remember doing it a lot when i was around her.
P
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TT, you have me thinking...
when the story is injected with fabrication, it becomes the proverbial one bad apple spoils the whole barrel.
I tend to agree. I either trust that you (anyone) have told the truth (as you see it) so far, but should you tell one bare-faced lie in your story, then your whole story is open to question from me. That's pretty much what I think.
For me, intuition is something to use with great discretion. I don't think intuitives should indiscriminately speak forth what they feel they know inside. As far as I'm concerned, it's a gift and not one to cast about carelessly.
Golly, I'm trying to think of an example. I don't see intuition as a gift though. I see it as something necessary learned for survival. It's partly about paying very close attention, the sort that seems alien to others, because they simply don't give that much attention to anyone else. Lucky them. What intuitive person speaks forth indiscriminately? It seems contradictory. Can you explain please?
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No longer a slave:
Again about intuition, how would one advertise it? You say - there will be someone there to invalidate you or make you feel crazy, and that leads you to not trusting it - but: what happens when you no longer need validation, and it doesn't matter if anyone tries to make you feel crazy...because you don't give a hoot what they think...because you do trust your own mind?
People hear/read/see what they want to. You can say anything you like and they can think what they like about it. But the vast majority simply aren't paying any attention and the rest - well, if they try to make you feel crazy, and you know it, and it hurts you, remove yourself. They are crazy too.
The few others (if you're lucky) who accept you for the crazy human you are, I guess they're ok. :)
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No longer a slave:
Again about intuition, how would one advertise it?
I can only speak from my own experience. When I have told others "I had a gut feeling that (insert situation here)", I was invalidated and made to feel like I was crazy. This was not just by NM, but even some "friends" and exes (who were similar to my NM anyway!)
These past experiences have made me be careful of who I share my gut feelings with, because I don't want to deal with being trampled on or put down.
You say - there will be someone there to invalidate you or make you feel crazy, and that leads you to not trusting it - but: what happens when you no longer need validation, and it doesn't matter if anyone tries to make you feel crazy...because you don't give a hoot what they think...because you do trust your own mind?
That's great to feel that way. :) I don't think I'm at that stage yet, since it's only been a year away from NM where I am experimenting with trusting myself. My main concern right now is to not repeat the past, and stay away from toxic people.
But the vast majority simply aren't paying any attention and the rest - well, if they try to make you feel crazy, and you know it, and it hurts you, remove yourself. They are crazy too.
Since I was forced to do things I didn't want to do for most of my life, I have felt that people's "wrong advice" was a way of forcing me? Does that make sense? If my friend/mom suggested to continue to date a guy that I didnt' feel was right for me..I felt like I HAD to go along with my friend's decision. I wasn't confident enough to say, "No, I would rather do this" and let my friend have his separate opinion.
Even if I DID try to stand up for myself, my friends/NM wouldn't take no for an answer. They would still pressure me to see their side, so I just gave in. It was exhausting.
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No longer,
I find if I share some feelings with those-who-are-not-to-be-trusted, I find out sooner or later that I was wrong about them: if they try to invalidate me,that says much about them. It tells me I was too trusting.
When I feel confused about what I'm feeling, I think about it a lot. I try not to react too soon these days. Don't always manage it. I guess I might put myself in a position where someone might try to trample me or put me down....but...it's how I deal with it that matters to me. Practice does help. So avoidance doesn't necessarily help me. I might invite someone to try and trample me or put me down, just to check myown reactions, see if I handle it any differently.
I too am experimenting with trusting myself. Does that ever stop? We keep changing (hopefully).
Yes that makes sense. I didn't know myown mind on many things and I too gave in from exhaustion. I don't intend to now. I would rather do things and be very afraid, than be that tired all the time, as I was. Not easy, but much preferable!
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Hi Portia,
Now you have me thinking.
I think what I was trying to say is that to the intuitive one, it is a gift. I think people with strong intuition often see through situations in a way that sometimes enables them to reach conclusions quicker, kind of like a zoom forward button. I think indiscretion kicks in if they assume others have the same feature in their personality or fault them for not having it. Others may be perfectly capable of reaching the same or better conclusions using the method that comes most natural for them. I guess bottom line is that intuitives (not the witchy woman types) should acknowledge and respect all the ways others reach their conclusions and not hit their zoom button and be impatient with another to whom the picture is not so clear yet. Each one has their unique way and ways of seeing things. Life in general, I think can be lived more effectively where the most knowledge is applied. I'm rambling. See what you think.
Edits between 11 and 12 o'clock!If I had to guess, I'd say that I was born with intuition. But who's to know?
tt
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Well TT, I didn't see it as a gift until now/recently, because I didn't trust it and I pushed it down, all the time. I wished I'd listened to myself! So many times. I'd justify to myself why my first thoughts were wrong, all the time.
I respect other's ways. I get annoyed with myself, mainly. I usually sit with something for so long (being a step ahead?) that by the time I explode with a pretty firm judgement, well it can seem that it comes out of nowhere. This has been a problem in the past. I wait until I am sure. Then I can seem aggressive I guess. It isn't meant aggressively, or impatiently. I just keep stuff to myself (unbelievably!!).
I'd like to know more about research into personality. I have no idea what I was born with! :)
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Hi Persefone,
i feel embarassed sometimes to have something good to say. i feel like i stole the goodness and didn't really deserve it. so i have to pretend i am not ok too because the other person will feel bad.
I'm so sorry P. It kind of reminds me, but not exactly, of expectant men who get morning sickness and other symptoms right along with their pregnant wives.
There's a lot to be said for weeping with those who weep and laughing with those who laugh, but that it makes you feel embarassed and like you stole it must make be a ticket for stress. Just curious, do you feel embarassed and as if you stole it when you express your bad feelings to others?
tt
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hi tt,
as i said before it doesn't happen that often now now as it did in the past before 1995 when i was in contact with nm. now that i think about how the whole scenario unfolds. i think i find it stressful to be around a person who is upset and is yelling whil i am in a good mood, as feeling good is bad - i feel like i have to be sad too etc. It's one of the codependecy traits, tuning in with other's emotions. i think it's not so much about being happy while the other person is sad, but rather in a codependent way, to experience other people's emotions more than my own, because pretty much i didn't know what i was feeling.
on the other hand and just recently i realised (and was shocked but relieved that i finally understood i am doing it) when hurt i actually accuse the other person in a way that NM did to me. i recently had another fight with the guy i am seeing and just like NM i expect to find fault in everything and i snapped at something that wasn't even important and had him on the phone at 1 am lecturing him about how i think things should be. i got it only two days later. i haven't stopped apologising and feeling pretty shitty about it. i realised that i have done this with friends too.
It is strange but this relationship i am in right now made me face all the behaviours i condoned yet have copied from NM and am hopeful that i am sorting them out little by little and one by one, i just hope it won't cost me the loss of this relationship. i feel really grateful to this guy for being so patient with me.
P
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Hi Persephone,
Sounds like you're in an emotional growth spurt. Inch by inch life is a cinch (or so they say)!
I used never to post where 'romance' was discussed. But lo and behold, I have a boyfriend now! It's helpful to remember that I speak PINK and he listens in BLUE! Cherish the moments when he can listen in PINK and when you can listen in BLUE...
tt
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ooohhh persephone,
don't blame yourself.
It's quite amazing what a big voice the formerly voiceless can develop while they're trying to catch up!
My favorite, errr...worst...example was my church's Joys and Sorrows moment in the Sunday service. For several years, I felt COMPELLED to get up and share something, quite heartfelt but what characterized it most was the sense of urgency...with the congregation. At least every couple months. Mind you, about half a dozen people did this every Sunday. In a congregation of over 200.
It took a long time for me to recognize I was:
--using way way more than my "fair share" of the voice-time (despite how warmly and touchingly my "self-revealing" remarks were received, and they were...I still felt uncomfortable
--not actually on Oprah
Several years ago I told myself, that's it. No more, unless there is something very compelling that is truly a life changing moment or concern. And over time, the urge to disclaim (and have a crowd's attention) finally mellowed. So I'm just one. One of many. One of the members. One of the family. No longer needing more air-time than anyone else.
Where that's different is when I'm what we UU's call a "worship associate" (I don't like the term, sounds like a law firm). You do that (assisting the minister, co-planning his or her services, signing up for one about every six weeks) for two years. Once a year, you are invited to give your own sermon.
And that's where my desire to be heard by a crowd DOES make sense. It's not narcissism to have a gift for public speaking or poetry, and use it in that way. So that's been a good use of my voice.
Anyway, I so understand the cringing struggle to get a sense of balance about attention.
It does mellow, and balance, and begin to take its healthy, happy perspective, as you work on it. And your self-consciousness about it will change to self confidence. And that's grand.
Secondly, corny as it sounds, I recommend Toastmasters for a lovely, equal-sharing exercise in being heard (and supporting others).
love,
Hops