Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival => Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board => Topic started by: Alan on September 14, 2003, 05:47:32 PM
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I was wondering if anyone has had an N reveal any of their truth to you. Without going into a long essay, my N has.
For example, early on I sensed some deeply held problem. When questioned she said "Look as deep as you want, there is nothing there to find".
We fast forward a year and a half later. During one of my "you're not telling me the truth" routine, she revealed in one small sentence while under the influence (and I discovered, after I realized the alcoholism, she did speak her truth while drunk, consistantly) "I have felt enough pain, I don't want to feel it anymore."
This type of thing was an almost everyday thing. I even confronted her in couples therapy about it, that she did reveal her truth when drinking, such as her problem answering me directly on most things, the pain she was in concerning her daughter destroying the marriage from within, her embarrassment of not being all that educated. And there's more, of course.
Has anyone had this experience? Does this change anything about an N?
Is it the alcohol that greased the way? I look forward to the responses.
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This is something I've struggled with, concerning my mother, because in very brief flashes, she would let me "in" on secrets to her past. The problem was that I was supposed to do the same thing in return, and then she'd use that as ammunition :?
My mother did have a difficult childhood, that's clear. Her father was (is) emotionally abusive, and was also physically rough with my mother's two brothers. One of her brothers was (still is!) a loose cannon, literally. He'd randomly beat up and threaten my mother and her other brother, and apparently there were quite a few big battles between their father and him.
My mother often sobbed about how her father never accepted her as she was, and would promise me in all sincerity (so it seemed) that she would never, ever repeat the same mistakes. If she did, she made me promise to tell her so that she could recognize them. I remember her doing this from a very young age, definitely when I was 7, and quite often when I was a teenager. I took it to heart and would patiently tell her that she was being unfair sometimes - she would explode and tell me to quit talking back, SHE was the parent.
I was very confused as a child because of this. My mother seemed sincere, and her hurt was very real - and yet she was constantly contradicting herself, saying one thing and then doing the complete opposite. Was I supposed to forgive her because she'd had it so hard? She always asked me to when I got angry at her. "I know I'm not perfect, but I'm learning too! I'm so sorry! Please forgive me!" If I didn't immediately say "I forgive you", she'd get hysterical, only calming down once those three magic words came out. The next day, she'd turn around and attack me again. I can see now after reading a few books that she switched between needing me as a parent then putting me into my place as a helpless, annoying child.
From what I've learned about my grandparents, her stories were true. My grandfather is an angry, nasty man; my grandmother has no separate identity of her own. My brother and I don't know who she is, other than my grandfather's caretaker, and yet we visited her at least once a week every week for twenty years. To us she's simply a sweet, quiet woman who never has an opinion that our grandfather hasn't dictated.
So yes, I think Ns can be truthful, but they don't know how to do it without using it manipulatively. Opening themselves up about their sensitive past means they're temporarily out of control, which frightens them to no end, so they react by seeking ever more extreme control. I'm sorry for what my mother went through as a child, but it doesn't excuse her from parental responsibilities... she chose to have children, we didn't impose ourselves on her like she always made us feel we did.
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Hey everybody, I am new here, but have already found alot of encouraging words from you all, thanks so much! My 24 year old sister is Bi-Polar and I have just come to the conclusion, along with the rest of my family, that my sister is Narcissistic-I have no idea how to handle this! I have been trying to find out as much as I can about this disorder so that I can try to help her-is there help!? She lies about absolutely everything-fakes illnesses such as cancer, it's almost as if she lives in her own little world, like she actually believes all the unbelievable lies she tell people! Is this normal narcissistic behavior? Please help! Any comments or suggestions would be greatly appreciated! Thanks! Jen :D
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Alan,
You were wondering if any of our N really gave a glimpse of their true selves at anytime? How would we know Alan if this ever occured? I truly feel that they say whatever they feel they need to say at that exact time. Perhaps she sensed you trying to put some validity to some of her actions and tried to pass the buck onto something other than the truth. I saw the glimpses of my N at times, or so I thought. I reallly feel that they have no clue as to who they are. If they did, they would be horrified at who they truly are.
I used to wonder if my N ever had thoughts of himself and his actions. I really do believe that he did. Those were times the he despised. After he had revealed something to me, I would have hell to pay for quite a while after that. It was as if he was reinforcing his all mighty power after having a human moment. He is bad to the bone and I do not for one second believe that alcohole could make him unleash his badself. I do understand what you are saying though. When a person drinks they are more likely to voice something. But with N people, everything is a constant scheme to manipulate those around them. We should have been the ones drinking the alcohol to perhaps feel a moment of numbness which would have been a retreat from all of the pain these people inflict.
By the way, LOL, I bet you can tell I am pretty new and my pain is very evident. I just feel at times these people are possessed by the devil himself.
Jaded911
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My soon to be exN-husband told me out of the blue before we got married that my 'purpose in life was to help him get what he wanted'. I reacted by saying this was unfair of him to think that, that I have my own destiny etc. etc. and jokingly wrote up a contract to say that I 'was not put on this earth for his sake' and he signed it!
As it turned out he was telling the absolute truth.
Stupid me! :roll: