Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival => Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board => Topic started by: Overcomer on February 21, 2010, 10:22:57 AM
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Hi everyone. I went in for the third scan. The previous two were No Evidence of Disease. NED. This one showed spots on my liver. I am scared. The doc ordered a PET scan but the insurance company won't pay. I am scheduling an appointment with a sarcoma specialist tomorrow.
Anyway. This time I got mad. I told my mom I did not want to think about or hear anything about our business. I also wrote her a lengthy email telling her that I think her priorities are all screwed up. I told her that she only helps people when they come begging, something about making her feel like the hero, or something.
That is what pisses me off so. My mom is loaded. I get a pretty good inheritance when she dies. I want to say to her that I will die before she does and why can't she throw me a frickin bone here. Allow me to live the last years of my life without financial worries. I told her I wanted to spend every waking moment with my family. I want to travel and volunteer at school and work in my garden, etc. I don't want to sit at a job in the shadow of my narcissistic mother and die.
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I'm so sorry, Kelly.
Find your peace.
Don't let her own it.
This is a very scary time. You will move through it.
Hold fast,
Hops
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I am so sorry OC (Kelly..I think of your user name OVERCOMER)
Did you actually tell your NM about the spots?
I would ask her, in as calm a manner as possible, to help you financially to make your life easier to live ....until the end, which at this point might not be so, but I know you are scared.
Do you know yet if it's back to chemo and radiation?
You deserve to be a worry-free as possible. Serenity could be a healing factor. Peace of mind! Laughter! I laugh a lot with my therpist and I keep improving. I want to receive the largest amount possible for this suffering, and my daughter is my sole beneficiary, but I would like to send something to her and her three children when I am still alive, that hopefully they will tuck away and might be able to take a trip out here at a later date.
Hang on tight, and you will Overcome!
Love
Izzy
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Kelly, I'm so very sorry for this news. Of course you're scared. Who wouldn't be? But please, don't give up hope.
It may be time to give some hard thought about ending contact with your mother. Hops is right. Don't let her own you any more. The sad reality of an N with money, is that they won't help a child in need, unless it is the GC. If I were sick and/or dying, my mother wouldn't give me a dime, and worse, would rub it in my face and tell me it was my punishment for being a bad daughter.
The stress of dealing with your NM is going to make recovery harder for you. Stress is your body's worst enemy. If your mother can't be there to support you, either emotionally or financially, let go of her. If it turns out that you have precious time left, spend that time with peace and happiness. Don't let her take that from you.
I'm writing this as I watch my N mother (who has terminal cancer), mistreating my 48-year-old sister, who has advanced breast cancer, and may not survive. NM is jealous that her daughter's cancer is taking attention away from hers. Instead of loving and caring for her daughter, she's attacking her for usurping her own cancer and impending death. That's how these people think. The only way to find peace is to let go of them.
Just please, get rid of that stress. Stress is a killer. Stress makes cancer worse. You need to be at peace with your mind and body in order to recover. Please, please take care of your emotional health as well as the physical.
You are in my thoughts as you go through this difficult time. Thinking of you, and sending you me absolute best thoughts and wishes . . .
Kathy
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((((((((((((((Overcomer)))))))))))))))
I just want to tell you that you are a remarkable person and deserve you peace at this time. Don't hand it over to your NM whatsoever. My heart and prayers go out to you and I will light a candle to send you some positive energy to your space in this world.
These N's with money are monsters. My NM has money now and she always asks what she could buy my daughter (her only grandchild) so I just keep reiterating that she could contribute to her granddaughter's sparse college fund. It's been 2 years ands she still hasn't given one penny. She just keeps announcing that she "has the money to give" but she never does. So twisted.
So I really don't have faith that your NM will throw you a bone here. I hope I'm wrong but it looks like she has malignant Nism. I'm sorry for you and sorry that you are ill. Please don't stress over this crap...it's just crap that you don't need. Surround yourself with love and family...the best healers in life.
blessings.
Bear
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Hi Overcomer,
First of all I will pray for a health miracle for you.
My NM is loaded too and it has all been about 'her' money. I would never take her money. I shared 4 months back that she emailed me that she deposited 5.000 euros in an account for me but the clause for me to take it was to admit failure in life.
You are very strong and you don't need her money. If money is what needed for your recovery, you will find it. I don't know how but I am sure you will.
Hang in there
P
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(((((Kelly)))))) I have never been wrong when I knew someone was gonna be OK--gift of discernment! x o x o Ami
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(((((((((((((((((Overcomer Kelly))))))))))))))))))))))))))
Bones
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Dear Kelly
I was praying last night. I really know you will be OK. I just know it.Maybe the spots are nothing--normal variants. There are many such things on X rays where normal things look like abnormal things and they are not! Ami
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Thank you all and yes, it is a scary time. The insurance company came through and I have a PET scan on Wednesday. I go see the specialist tomorrow. I also got some news. One of my dear friends here on the board told me I may be able to get some disability benefits. If this is the case, I could walk away from mom. See, right now I am still getting a paycheck from the business. If I just walk away with no money then the stress would be worse. I have been trapped for a very long time with her. If I stay I get her and if I go I don't have any money so I have to work more hours for less money. I might also be able to get benefits for my daughter who has autism. Maybe between the two I would have enough to make up for what I was making!! Hip Hip Hooray!!
I just don't get my mom. The more I think about how un-intouch she is. She calls and asks me if she can pick something up for me at the grocery. NO. I want to matter to you. I don't want you to try by throwing me a loaf of bread!
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Kelly,
I have a rhetorical question for you. Give this some thought and think about acting on the answer.
What was your God given body meant to do? Look for that answer not in the "what I could do if..." but in the small daily messages you get from spending a moment with yourself in silence asking for guidance.
Once you have answered that question, do that thing as much and as often as you can. Make it your mission to do it until your last breath, however near or far that moment might be. Know that you were given everything you need to do that thing on the day you were born. For some of us it is a small thing like showing compassion, for others it is building a corporation.
Our bodies are tools and if a tool is used correctly it lasts a long time.
Sending healing energy your way..
S
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One of my dear friends here on the board told me I may be able to get some disability benefits.
Yes, you can! My sister is currently suffering from breast cancer. She had reconstructive surgery that resulted in infections, so had to stay home and heal in preparation for a corrective surgery. She has been on disability for two months now. I don't know how much it pays, but she's getting enough to cover her house payment. Definitely look into it.
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Dear Kelly,
I'm so sorry for your suffering both in your body and with your mom. What a daunting combination. I love the way you articulated your goals, time with familly, gardening, traveling, etc. The Kelly I know here is spunky and determined - Attagirl!
Love,
tt
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Hi Kelly,
I'm thinking about you in this very difficult time. And yes, you deserve a normal mother! If not now, then when?
As always,
Richard
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Wonderful point, Dr G.When Scott died, my M seemed like a normal M for a while. Then,one morning she zapped me.
Kelly, they zap us sooner or later. It is the fable with the scorpion. The scorpion stings in the end cuz it is a scorpion.
Ami
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((((((Overcomer Kelly))))))
.....sending you prayers and good energy....
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Well I went to a Sarcoma specialist yesterday and he thought what I have is probably a spread of disease. Point blank. We will know after a PET scan today and an ultrasound on Friday.
I did it. Gosh darn it. I told my mom I would not work and that my h and I were looking for less expensive housing. Then I said, "You wouldn't want to buy our house would you?" I told myself I would not ask or beg and Baaam!! there I did it. Why oh why can't I keep my mouth shut? Probably because I really don't want to move. She is probably thinking what if I die and then h would get the house and does she want him to have it? I don't know how she thinks.
If I get disability it will be far less than what I get now.....but at least it is something!!!!!
So we look at less expensive houses...
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Kelly
Maybe it is not.Could that still be? Ami
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(or
Hi Kelly,
I’m sending you big hugs and loving support and all good wishes for all your plans and dreams.
tt
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THis is the ultimate test and she is failing. I have sent her two emails talking directly about what I want and need from her. I told her I didn't want to beg and that she always runs into save the day. I told her I didn't want to ask. She is just ignoring those emails.
My brother said it and I believe it. She just does not get it. She just does not get it. Just once I wish she could surprise me......but I guess I am not going to hold my breath. I could die. So if she dies I get an inheritance but if I die I get nothing? Is that the way it works??
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THis is the ultimate test and she is failing. I have sent her two emails talking directly about what I want and need from her. I told her I didn't want to beg and that she always runs into save the day. I told her I didn't want to ask. She is just ignoring those emails.
My brother said it and I believe it. She just does not get it. She just does not get it. Just once I wish she could surprise me......but I guess I am not going to hold my breath. I could die. So if she dies I get an inheritance but if I die I get nothing? Is that the way it works??
((((((((((((((((((((((Overcomer Kelly)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
Unfortunately, N's REFUSE to see that others can and do get sick with physical issues/disabilities. N's persist in seeing us as ONLY OBJECTS to be used/abused for THEIR CONVENIENCE and THEIR WHIMS! In THEIR LITTLE WORLDS, if their OBJECTS OF POSSESSION DARE to become sick or disabled, these N's take it as a personal insult. In their microscopic little minds, these N's are most likely thinking: "How DARE they INCONVENIENCE MY ROYAL PERSON! I OWN THEM! THEY MUST INSTANTLY DROP THEIR ILLNESSES FOR MY ROYAL CONVENIENCE!" And when that doesn't work, then these N's attempt to shove the now-inconvenient possession off onto others with the attitude of "out of sight, out of mind".
Does my perception seem to make sense?
More hugs for
(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((Overcomer Kelly))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
Bones
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Well, she couldn't be bothered by my dad's needs and he died.
She makes these grand gestures like, "Can I pick something up at the grocery store for you?" I am not in bed, sick from chemo, I am a woman who might have cancer and it hasn't debilitated me yet. What I want is for her to pay off my house so I don't have to move or work......
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N's are like 4-5 year olds--literally. If they don't want to deal with something , they make YOU bad so they don't have to.Based on knowing you for a long time and hearing your experiences with NM, I think she WILL come through at the last minute.She always does!
Am I right, Kelly? Ami
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ONLY if I beg. I have to ask. She is in denial. She will deny I have anything wrong with me. She told my brother to be completely positive and upbeat with me. What I want is for her to vow her love for me and wail and cry and ask me not to die. She doesn't get me......she doesn't get it. She just doesn't get it and for that I am so angry and hurt. I want her to be my hero but she just won't......
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"How DARE they INCONVENIENCE MY ROYAL PERSON! I OWN THEM! THEY MUST INSTANTLY DROP THEIR ILLNESSES FOR MY ROYAL CONVENIENCE!"
OMG. This is EXACTLY what my mother is doing to my sister right now. Both of them have cancer. My mother is terminal, and she sees this as her final curtain call. She is the dying queen, who everyone must rally around and lavish with attention. At age 75, she has also lived a very long life, and is not dying a premature death.
My sister, on the other hand, is only 48. She has had six surgeries so far for her breast cancer, with major complications. My mother is actually angry that S is taking attention away from her. She acts as if my sister is doing this on purpose to steal the spotlight. She is mistreating her very sick daughter. Sadly, my sister is my mother's puppet, and is putting up with this abuse because she doesn't dare stand up for herself and anger the queen. I think the stress is actually making her condition worse.
Dr. G is so right in saying that you deserve a normal mother, now more than ever. I think we all have that hope that one day our NMs will surprise us, and suddenly change, and become a good person in the end. When I found out that my mother had terminal cancer, I had that hope. I wanted her to realize that she was nearing the end, and to feel remorse. I wanted her to apologize. Most of all, I wanted her to tell me that she loved me. I found out very quickly that my hope was really a big fantasy. M is more than content to go to her grave without making amends as a final "F You" to me. How sad is that?
Kelly, please don't let your M zap your strength, weaken you, or cause you unnecessary stress. Not now. Ns don't change. They CAN'T change. They have a sickness. The only thing you can do is rid yourself of them. Time spent dealing with an N is time wasted - time that could be spent caring for yourself. There is only one person who matters right now, and that is YOU. Please take care of yourself. There is much to be said about the power of positive thinking. Love, support, and positive energy CAN be healing. Now is the time to focus on the positive. Don't let her hurt you anymore.
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I'm so sorry, Kell.
I know her nature adds to your grief, and at a scary time when one needs a capable mother more than ever.
I want her to be my hero but she just won't......
Hon: she just can't.
As hard as it is, accepting this all the way through your mind, rooting out every little remaining bit of denial, will give you peace, I believe.
love,
Hops
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~~~~~~Sending prayers out to you~~~~~~
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Yes, that is part of what I am realizing.We want a mother so badly and we keep believing that she will come through.
Ami
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Well, she couldn't be bothered by my dad's needs and he died.
She makes these grand gestures like, "Can I pick something up at the grocery store for you?" I am not in bed, sick from chemo, I am a woman who might have cancer and it hasn't debilitated me yet. What I want is for her to pay off my house so I don't have to move or work......
NDoofuses just DON'T GET IT, even when we EXPLAIN THE OBVIOUS REPEATEDLY to them! Frustrating, isn't it?
(((((((((((((((((((((((Overcomer Kelly))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
Bones
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"How DARE they INCONVENIENCE MY ROYAL PERSON! I OWN THEM! THEY MUST INSTANTLY DROP THEIR ILLNESSES FOR MY ROYAL CONVENIENCE!"
OMG. This is EXACTLY what my mother is doing to my sister right now. Both of them have cancer. My mother is terminal, and she sees this as her final curtain call. She is the dying queen, who everyone must rally around and lavish with attention. At age 75, she has also lived a very long life, and is not dying a premature death.
My sister, on the other hand, is only 48. She has had six surgeries so far for her breast cancer, with major complications. My mother is actually angry that S is taking attention away from her. She acts as if my sister is doing this on purpose to steal the spotlight. She is mistreating her very sick daughter. Sadly, my sister is my mother's puppet, and is putting up with this abuse because she doesn't dare stand up for herself and anger the queen. I think the stress is actually making her condition worse.
Dr. G is so right in saying that you deserve a normal mother, now more than ever. I think we all have that hope that one day our NMs will surprise us, and suddenly change, and become a good person in the end. When I found out that my mother had terminal cancer, I had that hope. I wanted her to realize that she was nearing the end, and to feel remorse. I wanted her to apologize. Most of all, I wanted her to tell me that she loved me. I found out very quickly that my hope was really a big fantasy. M is more than content to go to her grave without making amends as a final "F You" to me. How sad is that?
Kelly, please don't let your M zap your strength, weaken you, or cause you unnecessary stress. Not now. Ns don't change. They CAN'T change. They have a sickness. The only thing you can do is rid yourself of them. Time spent dealing with an N is time wasted - time that could be spent caring for yourself. There is only one person who matters right now, and that is YOU. Please take care of yourself. There is much to be said about the power of positive thinking. Love, support, and positive energy CAN be healing. Now is the time to focus on the positive. Don't let her hurt you anymore.
((((((((((((((((((((((((JustKathy)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
Bones
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Dear Kelly,
Just wanted to send you a big hug and let you know that you will be in my prayers.
I read somewhere that a good way to discern whether or not you are relating with a malignant N is how they treat you when you are sick... and from what I've seen with the Ns in my life this is a very good measuring stick. They just can't be bothered and seem to get off on seeing people grovel. Sick. Sick. Sick.
My very wealthy NMIL claimed she too was poor last year when my daughter was unemployed and asked her for a little help paying for some of her crucial medicines. She crushed my daughter without batting an eye.
Everything and anything that is important to us is nothing but leverage for them. Once again, sick, sick, sick.
I'm so sorry that your mother isn't there for you when you need her so badly.
Please do whatever you can to avoid stress and stay positive, Kelly.
Love,
Still Ticking
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Well she surprised me today. Wasn't willing to give me a big chunk but was willing to give me monthly payments to help out...
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I knew it. She will give you ALL you need. She always does--in the end!!! x o x Ami
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((Kelly))
I'm so glad your mother's willing to help out.
I hope you're feeling better.
Mo2
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Dear ((( Kelly )))
Just wanted to let you know that I am thinking of you and praying for you.
Love Leah x