Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival => Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board => Topic started by: Gaining Strength on March 02, 2010, 10:18:29 AM
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I am late. I was due somewhere 12 minutes ago and still I come here to write. I have been watching myself slip deeper in layers of dysfunction over the past couple of months. The more determined I am to break free the more dysfunctional I become. and then POP - a realization breaks through - I am dealing with yet another layer of the onion. I have a wound, deeply embedded from long ago that wants to break out. And then I know what all this dysfunction is about.
I love to come here to process it. Here I feel the compassion but more importantly the understanding that has been missing and the absense of which is part of that gaping wound that has festered all along these many years.
Now that I have unburdened myself of this, I can move on. but I will return to write more. It is in the writing here that the name of this layer will become clear. For now I can only see it hazily and know that it has to do with being responsible for everyone else even while (as a child) noone was responsible for me. (And hidden in that parental responsibility was caring. In others words noone (neither mother nor father) cared about me except in regards to what my existence did to benefit them.
This is a very, very deep pain.
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Dear GS,
I feel exactly the same - only you are brave enough to say it's about you and not what people around you are doing.
Hang in there
P
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(((((GS ))))) ((((P)))) x o x o Ami
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Persephone - I can only own my role when I am in the healing process - otherwise the pain from the wound is far too great, the shame and fear and expectation of rejection simply overwhelming - thrusting me into a protective, defensive denial/denier of responsibility. Ironically, it is only when I own some responsibility that I can actually shift out of victimhood into healing/healer.
I am not responsible for the original woundings, nor am I responsible for the reactions as a child that were necessary for psychological (and quite possibly physical) survival. I am not sure where or when responsibility for my reaction to the painful, chronic wounding actually adheres to me. Is it age of majority??? Is it when I am strong enough psychologically??? I don't know even though I think it a significant question. But I do know that it is required for me to heal - that I must own my portion before I can change the dysfunctional behavior. But I cannot own it if I am still vulnerable. And there are few places in this world that I know of that are safe enough to do this kind of work. This is the only safe place I have discovered and even here I am not fully safe. Perhaps such a place does not exist.
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Ami - yesterday I sent you a (((Ami))) but I got that irritating note - You Have Posted within 60 seconds and must Wait. So here is my (((Ami))) to you. Thanks for yours - GS
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This is always a painful process but I find sitting out the process and just "being" to be intolerably, chronically painful without hope of truly functioning the way my heart longs to function in this life.
I have been looking forward to going through this process again but it will not be rushed. The "issue" or "issues" that must be addressed refuse to present themselves on demand. So even though I have know about these issues and even written about them here over the recent years - even still I did not have access to them until now.
My parents had children because it was "the thing to do" not because they wanted children nor did they love us once we were born. They held us, me with indifference unless I, as a dependent needed something from them - love, comfort, teaching. I was remembering an inventory of times I turned to my mother to learn things it seems every mother guides her daughter through: times of adolescence and puberty, times when dating, times when I left their home and married, times when I divorced. My mother turned her shoulder with nothing to offer me - no counsel, no advice only contempt. I took on that contempt to mean that I was not worthy of even the most basic mothering but now I understand that it was not about me, it was that SHE felt unworthy and out of her own weakness she chose throughout my life to project her own inadequacies onto me and sadly for far too long, I accepted them. Now comes the hard work of undoing all of that damage.
But that is only a very small piece of what I am struggling with today. I am still not fully certain but I believe that the next piece which is far more convoluted and far more damaging is also more difficult to describe and bring into the light where it can be processed and seen for what it really is. It is a small trifling rather than the large monster it first appeared as a child.
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My parents had a remarkable ability to take their shortcomings, particularly as parents, and turn them around and put the responsibility or blame on their children. I recognize that projecting our weaknesses and shortcomings onto others seems to be almost a human trait but for most humans that projection is done onto "others", "outsiders", "the enemy" while only the best is seen of offspring. But in my nuclear family it worked the other way around - the offspring were the targets for the vilest projects while friends and their children were trumpeted as accomplished and the models to aspire to.
Nothing about this has ever changed.
The worst part of this is not even that I group up in an environment when noone had my back. And that is a horrendous part of my history, because I went out into the world and replicated it in my friendships and relationships at a great price. But the worst part of it was that not only did neither my mother nor my father have my back but I was a target for projection of any and alll of their own shame. That meant that any error I made, any wound that I had, any vulnerability they saw was an open target. Any time I exposed a mistake or a struggle they both went for the jugular. The consequence of that has been that where I am most vulnerable today, rather than being able to work through it to closure, I shut down and retreat armadillo like to a protective stance that is neither protective nor helpful but actually dnagerous and disabling.
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I long to move out of this posture as it is crippling me and will have terrible results for my child.
In recent weeks, my ways of retreat have become more and more apparent. I turn to a form of numbing that in and of itself is not negative. I watch TV or research on the computer or read books. None of this passive retreat is associated with the humiliating rejection and recriminations of my youth. As long as I stayed out of their way I was not an object of their destructive humiliations. That was piled on when I tried to do something for myself.
Much of what I did was followed by a form of "Who do you think you are?" I remember one time at about age 10, I asked my mother what we would be having for breakfast the next day. My question so infuriated her that she said she would not be fixing breakfast but I would. That was all the instruction I got. No trip to the grocery store, no conversation about what was available and no information about how to cook. I had never been allowed to cook in the kitchen. She had a full time staff of three, 5 days a week and I was not allowed to "mess up her kitchen." So that Sunday monrning I made soup and cooked cubed steak. I used Campbell's soup but did not know to add water. I cooked the steaks but had no idea how to cook them but even if I had they would not have been very good, cubed steak is very, very tough meat. So without any experience and without any instruction my meal was a complete disaster. And for decades, when the subject of my cooking came up the derogatory, shaming hilarity of my failed first meal was part and parcel of the conversation. It was intended to shame and humiliate and it usually accomplished it's goal.
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This type of humiliation was the norm for me. It attached to anything that I set as a personal goal and it would eventually lead to a shutting down and failure and a withdrawal or "paralysis" when ever I got involved in activities of personal interest or in pursuit of lifetime goals - like career or homekeeping or other basic aspects of life.
I have been unconsciously subjected to that "retreat from humiliation" when I established a goal of self-betterment. It has been a lifetime of repeated failure. Whenever I set up a goal for change, improvement or personal desire I might make progress for a period but ultimately it would become derailed and I thought of myself as simply a complete failure. And my family, if aware, would pile on the reminders that I was nothing but a failure and always had been and always would be. I have been unaware that I unconsciously fully accepted and lived into this belief.
Now I must bring it all out into the open so that I might dispense with it, allow the light to destroy the power of the dark.
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Repressed along with the understanding that they (parents and brothers) were not on my side, was the recognition that this string that tied the elephant could actually be broken. The power of the humiliation in those formative years is so strong that I feel it even as I am typing at this moment.
There is some need or/and expectation of humiliation. There is an overwhelming sense of inadequacy that has a power which I believe is ripe for destroying.
The pain of sitting in retreat is less than the pain of opening up again and going through it, and I must go through it to get to the other side. I have been through this process enough times to know that it is NOT as difficult as it seems from this side and still the fear and resistance that I am aware of is incredibly strong. But I MUST break this chain. My life depends upon it and so does my son's.
My greatest fear is not the pain but failure. I am ghastly afraid of failure, of proving them right. That is my greatest fear. Heaven help me find the strength.
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Dear GS, brave woman:
Swamped to my eyeballs so this has to be short, but:
Nobody who can describe so well is a failure.
My greatest fear is not the pain but failure. I am ghastly afraid of failure, of proving them right. That is my greatest fear.
Destructive, inept and callous parents are very poor role models. Hence, what they would think "We were right" means is already severely distorted and skewed, so you wouldn't your value measured by THEIR yardstick anyway.
Our whole culture's definitions, and likewise a claustrophobic regional culture's, for what a "failure" is, are severely distorted and skewed. So you don't have to accept the TOWN's view of who's a "failure", either. You might as well weed that out too. They're likely pretty enmeshed.
You are weeding out the roots of THEIR values and judgments from your own, so you are no longer enmeshed with them. So you see yourself as an individual human being with inherent worth and dignity (no matter WHAT things "look like"), not something somebody shat on the linoleum. So, in fact, THEIR "right" is not your "right". It just isn't.
It's just not possible for them to be "right" in any way that's not distorted and skewed, so therefore it cannot possibly be a trustworthy or meaningful evaluation for you.
(This is the compassionate truth, imo. And your own values include compassion.)
love
Hops
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I've been there too, with a mom who bragged about being "too impatient to teach" me anything. She wore impatience as a badge of honor. Then putting me down for not knowing how to do stuff. Labelling me in a put-down kind of way because I was a normal kid who didn't do everything "her way" in the house. Calling me "too slow" or "too messy" to do things, when really she didn't want to share the work because it might not be done her way. Then being a martyr because "nobody ever helps me around the house." Everything was always somebody else's fault, wasn't it? And the little children that we were believed what they told us, that the problem was within us.
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I had a very difficult time getting up this morning. It wasn't about waking up. I woke up early but was struggling with a demon. In my struggle I saw the troika - rejection/exclusion; sabotage of success; and fear of failure/lack or resources/you get what you deserve (nothing/the dredgs).
This is the way out - identify the demon or demons that have me trapped in paralysis at the moment and face them. Overcome the entrenched habit of numbing out with food, conversation, shut down, reading, computer, tv, general "business". Write down and FACE the positive action driven goals and face the demons that that emerge by merely naming the goals and desires before me.
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" there's always a new "gem" to discover & it's all so very painful."
so very, very painful and therefore very, very difficult to look at that pain even though it is clear that doing so is the path out of the suffering.
Your watergate dream focuses on that extraordinarily difficult piece that, in some ways, keeps offspring of Ns isolated. Much of the most potent psychological abuse was covert and invisible to outsiders and insiders alike. It was denied and that denial had more power than the evidence. I firmly believe that our US justice system based on documentable proof works against those of us who suffered covert, psychological denigration and humiliation. We have internatlized the boundaries of that system as adhering to a greater, abstract form of justice and because we cannot "prove" what was done to us and win in a court of law or even a court of our peirs or a court of our family then we must be wrong. NOT SO. We must become our own advocates and this place is the best place I have found to do that.
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Hops - thanks. I believe that exposing the skewed TOWN's view of failure helps me see an alternative perspective. I am so thankful for the blank space right here where I can paint the view I grew up with and then work with it, receive feedback like your wordlike gems that help me re-order my understanding. I am painting and series of images, editing and revising with each new perspective. The alteration from image to image is on a small, fine scale but ultimately the change will become significant and the outcome will be a new, more accurate vision about who I am without the blinders imposed on me by family inculturation.
Thank you for understanding. And thank you for the compassion and kindness of taking your time to share view and encouragement with me. You strengthen me. I will overcome. I will move into a place of flourishing.
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The more determined I am to break free the more dysfunctional I become. and then POP - a realization breaks through - I am dealing with yet another layer of the onion. I have a wound, deeply embedded from long ago that wants to break out. And then I know what all this dysfunction is about.
GS - you are an angel for me today. When I read your post above I felt that I could have written the very same thing...then I read on to what you say below...
It is in the writing here that the name of this layer will become clear. For now I can only see it hazily and know that it has to do with being responsible for everyone else even while (as a child) noone was responsible for me. (And hidden in that parental responsibility was caring. In others words noone (neither mother nor father) cared about me except in regards to what my existence did to benefit them.
Just yesterday I felt exhausted and unwilling to show up for the needs of others, to follow through with my commitments as I normally do because I am a responsible person. But in moment I saw that I carry the weight of responsibility of the needs of others as if I am God, as if if I am not there to meet others needs then they will fall apart.
What you wrote helped to give me some clarity around the other part of this that I could not see, the fact that as a child, emotionally, no one was ever really there for me in my dark agony of abuse - to validate or really help me through the emotional needs and struggles that as children we have and that I, coming from a very dysfunctional home, had no one to care about my emotional needs, to be a sort of strong arm for me when I am in need, especially emotional needs. That mirrors my life today, mostly it is just myself who goes through all the pains, alone and with no shoulder to cry on, to really just cast my burdens on, instead I carry the weight of others burdens and my own.
This is a very, very deep pain.
I hope that it helps to know that I am right there with you, in a deep place of memory and pain. For me I am wanting to get back, small desires for revenge, mostly to show others how wrong they are, and were.
((((GS))))
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Yes Heart of Pilgrimage you have described the insidious double-bind imposed on many offspring of Ns. Those double binds are the proverbial string that binds the elephant. Their roots are so deep and so very difficult to expunge.
Thank you for sharing. Your experience serves as a confirmation to me. It is empowering to know that I am not alone.
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Oh Gabben I am so thankful for the comments that have been posted here. They are like manna from heaven. They feed me, nourish me on my journey of healing.
It is so comforting and powerful to know that I am not alone, that others somewhere understand what I am speaking of, have experienced some of what I have experienced. What a gift to be in communication with others who know what it is to suffer in a like manner and who long to be made whole.
Your words shine a light anew and from a different angle and help me see some of my own words and experiences in a different light. Writing about our experiences and seeing them made concrete in words and confirmed, acknowledged, shared by others transforms these wounds into something concrete that can then be dismantled, reshaped, rendered impotent.
Shining a light on this torment is not the full solution, is not the end all healing but it is a necessary step on the journey. And it gives me hope.
This paragraph is huge: What you wrote helped to give me some clarity around the other part of this that I could not see, the fact that as a child, emotionally, no one was ever really there for me in my dark agony of abuse - to validate or really help me through the emotional needs and struggles that as children we have and that I, coming from a very dysfunctional home, had no one to care about my emotional needs, to be a sort of strong arm for me when I am in need, especially emotional needs. That mirrors my life today, mostly it is just myself who goes through all the pains, alone and with no shoulder to cry on, to really just cast my burdens on, instead I carry the weight of others burdens and my own.
A new friend of mine reads voraciously. One of the books that she put before me is Whose Got Your Back http://books.google.com/books?id=UYySDcOl88EC&printsec=frontcover&dq=who's+got+your+back&source=bl&ots=GIAorX6Y9z&sig=Ad_sC2OA1ThaFclj8z0Mhf99JHU&hl=en&ei=MSeRS_utN8WVtgfMgaGyCw&sa=X&oi=book_result&ct=result&resnum=2&ved=0CBQQ6AEwAQ#v=onepage&q=&f=false I have thought about this and thought about this and thought about this. Without a family , without having grown up in an environment in which parents, siblings have each other's back the world becomes a very dangerous place. The resulting and deep damage is debilitating. But as I focus on that piece, I gain understanding about why I have harbored these disfunctions and that helps me move along the way toward healing.
You write that it is mostly just yourself who goes through all the pains and instead of having a shoulder to cry you you actually take on OTHERS pains. Based on my experience I suspect we do that because that is the role we played as children. I urge you to keep writing about this, keep thinking about it, keep looking for ways in which you do this. Notice it. Shine your light on it!!! We can change it. We can observe and then notice and then shift out from under other's burdens which we, out of ingrained duty, take on other's burdens without EVER having our own needs and pains shared. The more we shine our light on it and talk about it the more we become able and willing to shift away from taking on others burdens and then the ultimate shift is to find others who will SHARE burdens with each other. It is a trail and error process and there are painful , painful trials in this life giving shift.
I hope you will keep writing and sharing. We deserve to move out of the self-destructive behavior those people forced us into so long ago. We can do it. I am willing to share burdens here. Thank you, thank you for your powerful post.
I hope that it helps to know that I am right there with you, in a deep place of memory and pain
Does it ever!
For me I am wanting to get back, small desires for revenge, mostly to show others how wrong they are, and were.
Of course you do!!! I have a suggestion. I find that there is huge engergy behind "revenge". I also have found by expereience that revenge oftne is damaging to me as well as the person I exact it on. I have found that I can actually use that revenge energy to improve my lot rather than exacting a pound of blood. When I take that same energy and apply it to something that moves me forward the revenge is remarkably sweet, but very different from what I long to do when the thought first emerges. - Just a thought. Take Care.
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shaming, humiliation and rejection were tied together to hope and longing in my childhood.
Tapping (EFT) this morning is saw how my child's heart has been conflated with adult reasoning and these two have worked together to bar me from my healing. My child's heart needed to be included among the family in order to receive food and clothing and shelter but it was the emotional nourishment, embellishment and protection that was absent in my childhood. In order to get what I needed to survive, I had to endure humiliation, rejection and shaming. It was done in was that were explained away and in which I was held responsible for my parents actions towards me so that the excruciating pain that I experienced as a child came at the hands of my parents whose actions are minimized in my rational mind as an adult.
Being humiliated and put down and laughed at WAS acceptance in my family of origin. It was the price I paid to be included.
My simmering angry reaction to the humiliation was their "proof" that I was an ungreatful child who didn't deserve what they provided.
Longing and belonging were ALWAYS punished with humiliation and belittlement. This cycle goes to very basic things in my life today - even as I begin to write them out here I realize that the pain attached to them is too great to share here. I have more work to do in healing in this area before i can share.
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I know I am in the right place but part of the pain in this healing is the loneliness that comes from rejection. Even while I know that staying with the pain is part of the porcess necessary for healing, none-the-less the pain is so extreme, the need to connect so compelling.
The tool used over and over was humiliation which has rejection incorporated into it. Connecting is a part of human survival. The stories of the profound horror of isolation punishment for prisoners helps me understand that. The state of humiliation was a requirement for me to be present with my family. As long as I "ehld" their h, longing to be released, to be allowed my seat at the table. Waiting for that acceptance to come from without, to come from those people who imposed that crown of humiliation in the first place to at long last release me from it.
While in a state of humiliation I was allowed to be present among them. When I was fancy free and happy and dreaming dreams of future and accomplishment and joy then I experienced a harsh rejection, humiliation and banishment. I had to hold the humiliation in order to be allowed to be present. It was a sort of Cinderella existance - as long as I was in a servile, lower than role - I was both needed and rejected; it was the only way to be included. As an adult I have sustained that role - humiliation - dreaming of soaring and excelling but paying the price of such dreams with humiliation and rejection. That is the catch - that humiliation is both rejection and isolation to me but also the polar opposite - it is the only way to be connected.
Humiliation is both my home, (my comfort zone) and my prison. So I have stayed in a state of humiliation.
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"Who's Got Your Back?"
Well - you do, for one. And, of course, the "amazons" here, including me. And perhaps, also - the new friends you are making.
The thing is, the "yardstick" is wacky and distorted... so instead of looking at how you don't "fit" on that yardstick maybe it's time to try looking at "you" as if you were a new person that you're meeting and getting to know. How does that person "measure up" on the bigger, more experienced, more educated (internal; personal) yardstick that you've developed over time?
What happens if you try to assess that 3rd person "you" - without ANY comparison to anyone else? In isolation from shoulds, coulds & oughtas?
Just an idea to try...
I've missed you!
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Sweetie,
I guess what I'm saying is, it's not fair to yourself to always see yourself/value yourself within the context of your FOO.
They aren't the only people in the world; and being humans - don't have any special "knowing" about you (even if they can't admit that) - so there's no target of "failure" that you are in danger of living down to.
YOU get to design the yardstick and the measurement system on it.
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GS, hon:
A very serious question:
What happens when you start to reject them?
(Within yourself. I'm not talking about confrontations.)
What happens when you begin to reject them, to eject them from your own value system?
Hops
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Thanks Hops and PR.
Hops that is a great question. It is definitely time to reject the stuff they put on me. I am finding ways to do that. This process is much like the one I went through when I was dealing with that huge layer of shame. I am so thankful to finally arrived at this "stuff." I definitely reject what I took on. While I don't want to exactly reject "them" because I don't want to have that negative energy.
While I was doing yoga today I sort of got a sense of how to do this. let me explain. The regular instructor was not there. I was so disappointed and was irritated by the person who was there. Nothing to do with her - all me. But I decided to focus on changing my attitude towards her. It was a back and forth battle - I found that I was much more comforatable in the position of being irritated and then I got the great insight of how meditation allows me to "observe" the situation that I am in without getting enmeshed in my own emotional reaction. BINGO. I immediately started using that with painful memories. It will take work but I know this will bring me through them. So I will definitely reject the way I felt left out and rejected. And I will , with practise, bring that experience forward into my present life.
This sounds like a bunch of mumbo jumbo but I know what it means. It actually means something to me and I am pretty sure that it will work.
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OOh - yes - I do have my back and these Amazons here and my new friend as well yes indeed.
It is also helpful to see that FOO did not, does not. That is a normal expectation and a difficult acceptance.
Hew boy - that "yardstick" is distored indeed. I like the idea of measuring myself by my own standards rather than in comparison but I definitely have to break this *(^%# paralysis to have access to the me that would be worth comparing myself to.
I am definitely trying to break that FOO context. My goal is to bring into consciousness aspects that have bound me so that I might begin to cut the binds and step into me own being. That is my goal.
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You said it yourself. You gave yourself the key to unlocking the prison door, GS.
I found that I was much more comforatable in the position of being irritated and then I got the great insight of how meditation allows me to "observe" the situation that I am in without getting enmeshed in my own emotional reaction. BINGO.
BINGO INDEED!
Being able to observe what's going on in oneself is an extremely valuable tool. It doesn't deny the emotional reaction, dismiss or discount it, or even throttle back the intensity of it. Observing it, does enable you to sort of hit the pause button long enough before you "get swept away" into the emotional bunny-trails that spiral down the old worn patterns. Instead of being controlled by the emotional flooding... helpless... you are able to separate from it long enough to be able to see all the other options you have.
Granted, some days you will find, you are able to do this better than others. What helps me stay on the "better than other days" side, is trying to identify and meet my inner/outer "needs". It's not always possible - but I don't beat myself up about it anymore - and even that much is liberating.
Doing the happy dance for you! You have the "keys to the kingdom" now. The rest is just dealing with the details & practice, kiddo.
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My strategy for healing is to bring the unconscious binds into the light and to shift my emotional energy around them.
I am optomistic today. I recall from previous healing periods that this is just part of the up and down process. I am thankful for this day of hopefulness.
Bringing the wounds and binding scar tissue from my childhood into the light is not easy but I recognize that emotional binds and blips that I experience in the present are often triggered by neural connections to past memories. So I am using these as markers to show where I should dig deep.
One thing I hope I can do is to pick a spot and stick with it rather than flitting from marker to marker. I want to make progress in any one specific area before progressing to the next.
Some of the areas for work are 1) diet; 2) exercise; 3) meals and kitchen cleaning; 4) laundry and wardrobe; 5) yard and garden; 6) housekeeping; and 7)finances and legal issues (in no particular order.
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The rest is just dealing with the details & practice
That's exactly what I was thinking PR. Thank you so much for the confirmation.
I am practising that separation in my dreams. Because I believe in neuroplasticity I believe that these thought exercises will lead to external changes. I have complete confidence in that and find the ability to "see" the emotional shifts as something well within my grasp.
I do believe I am on my way. I am thankful for this hope.
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Something else that came to mind this morning - because belonging is so critical to me (and all humans) I have, from my earliest days, compromised who i am in order to connect. I am beginning to get a sense of who I am and beginning to find my own voice. It is something like haveing wobbly legs after years of no use.
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I am finding that the fears are stacked upon the fears, concatenated, one flowing into the other, difficult to identify as discreet intities of their own. But each fear has its own antidote.
Today - after years of working towards this, I identify "anticipatory" fear as the one most responsible for my paralysis. There is another fear which I could tag "motivator" which is the adrenalaline rush, fight or flight fear that comes with harsh penalties. Underneath both of these is a fear of rejection/isolation. This fear is tied to the basic insticnt of survival. Survival became enmeshed in a gauntlet of shame and humiliation which I had to walk. The emotional, neural pathways of this are still in place. I am using Schwartz's four steps and EFT to rewire my automatic neural responses. This knowledge had provided me with my way out.
Back to the fears. There is an over lay of a complex entangled web of fears of failure and rejection and unworthiness and not-goog-enough that has roots in the past and seems to completely shade the future. In time when I make headway with this I will work on the fear of rejection/isolation - the "survival" fear. I hope that hte enmeshed web will collapse in on itself when the legs of the table on which it rests collapse. Otherwhise it will be a slow, meticulous and laborious task.
Today I am concentrating on the anticipatory fear.
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because I see the best chance for healing as coming from a neurological perspective I am driven to learn more and moe about the brain in general and my brain in particular.
Today among other jewels I discovered this:
Psychological trauma and the brain
http://thebrain.mcgill.ca/flash/a/a_08/a_08_cr/a_08_cr_anx/a_08_cr_anx.html
Amygdala
Several neuroimaging studies have demonstrated increased activation in the amygdala in PTSD. However, this finding has not always been consistent. One study demonstrated an association between a history of neglect and lowered amygdala activation. The latter may serve to be adaptive under certain environmental conditions, e.g., it may allow for continued functioning in situations characterized by ongoing threat. The organism may rely on immobilization defenses such as avoidance, freezing, display of submissive behaviors, etc. On the human level, it is not uncommon for persons with an abuse history to seek out abusive relationships, part of what psychoanalysts refer to as the repetition compulsion, without being consciously aware of, or minimizing the dangers involved in such relationships.
After years of using and researching the term "paralysis" I finally find more accurate terms "immobiliaztion defenses". Now I hope to open up yet another vista to search for the healing.
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Wow Gaining Strentgh I am very impressed with all your research.
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GS, Have you read stuff about disorganized attachment? It sounds a lot like what you are finding in your research. Disorganized attachment is thought to occur in children whose primary attachment figure is either FRIGHTENING or FRIGHTENED. In other words, the child is being emotionally or otherwise abused, so the parent frightens him/her ... or the parent (usually the mom but not always) was an abused child who dissociates and acts unpredictably. Most of the research identifying disorganized children assess attachment about 18 months of age ... and the freezing (what you found called it "defensive immobilization") is one of the responses these kids have when the mom re-enters the room after a brief absence. The kids typically do other things that are difficult to understand --- like sidling up to the mother rather than approaching her directly, with their gaze averted --- or twirling in place --- or doing a stop-start approach, like they're trying to both approach and avoid all at the same time.
If you were a disorganized baby, it's really no wonder that there are so many layers to the onion ... the onion has been adding layers for a long, long time.
We on the message board are here to help in whatever way we can as you encounter the layers.
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Doing things well resulted in stronger amygdalaic response than doing things poorly, which also got a strong fear response but not as strong.
Neuroplastic healing requires a rewiring of these reactions to the stimulous which starts with the mere idea of doing something. It is becoming clearer and clearer why "paralysis" has been so strong for me. Rewriting, finding a way to miniize, circumvent or overwrite the extraordinarily strong, lifelong pattern is the key. Would like to find a way that cuts to it rather than a slow laborious struggle.
Want to move out of "avoidance". Have a conceptual plan but aware of fear of failing in it.I must expose and acknowledge these fears rather than repress them. This is an essential step in healing. It is survival.
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Heart of Pilgrimage - I have never heard of disorganziation attachment. I am very interested and willl look it up. Can you point me in a direction to learn more. Thank you so much for sharing.
Lucky - thanks so much for your encouragement.
This is a strange process. I have been 'stuck" for a couple of years now, aware of what happened in my N family but unable to make any shfits. Understanding the collision between a child's response and an adult's rational perspective has initiated this shift. I see the possibility of things being thrown open but that lifelong fear response is activated by hope.
That Hope/fear of failure response is one I hadn't seen until I just wrote about it but it is one that must be acknowledged as well. So thankful for this forum Dr. Grossman. Very thankful.
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Thanks heart of Pigrimage - I am sure there is some form of attachment issue for me. I learned early on that neither of my parents would be there for me and in fact that if I "needed" anything that there would be hell to pay. While my father invoked fear my mother did not. And while my father was involved with us as children, teaching us sports and values and engaging in activities with us my mother did not. So it was a very confused relationship with my father in memories. This confusion was overt but it has taken my decades to recognize the insanely conflicting covert messages. I longed to attach to my father, longed for recognition, longed to measure up. With my mother I simply longed to get away. I begged to go to boarding school for years. I chose the college that was as far away as i could get etc, etc.
Complicating things for me in terms of sorting it all out there was never any physical abuse and the psychological abuse was well hidden though profound. It is in the area of psychological abuse that I am fishing for the truth and the healing. I never spent a day hungry but nor did I have a day of emotional nourishment.
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In the adult attachment interview, there is a place for people to be categorized as "earned secure." In other words, to hear their stories, you know that they did not have secure attachment relationships growing up. However, these earned secure people have done the relationship work needed to be secure in the current attachment relationships. So there is hope.
I'll have to read up some and see if there are any hypothesized ways that people become "earned secure." I know that one way to view going to therapy is that the therapeutic relationship is supposed to be reparative --- a place to learn and practice the give and take of secure relationships. I think other healthy relationships --- even when we just "fall" into them rather than knowing what we're doing at a deep level --- do reparative work too. I also think that becoming aware ... "peeling back the layers of the onion" ... is part of the process of becoming "earned secure."
I don't think I was disorganized --- I think I was more like ambivalently attached to both my parents. That attachment status means that sometimes your parents were emotionally available and sometimes they weren't, and so you learn to ramp up emotional reactions to increase the probability that they're going to be responsive to you. Also, with ambivalent attachment, the child hyperfocuses on the parent --- how will she respond? Will she be responsive (the good mommy) or dismissive (the bad mommy)? Ambivalent attachment is also known as anxious attachment --- there's a possibility but not a guarantee of getting a response from the parent that makes you feel safe and secure.
The third kind of insecure attachment is avoidant-insecure. That's when people learn to suppress --- not even feel --- distress because their mother (or other primary attachment figure, P.A.F.) can't handle their distress. I think this is what happens in narcisssism. They learn to quit feeling distress at a conscious level because it drives their P.A.F. away. And over time, they feel so lonely ... loneliness combined with a lack of awareness of negative emotion = I am lonely because I am sooooo special. Lack of awareness does not mean lack of distress though ... and so starts the dreadful cycle of taking out your distress on others and twisting reality into a pretzel to confirm that you are special.
It reminds me of a quote (from Tolstoy? Anna Karenina?) that says, "Happy families are all alike. But each unhappy family is unhappy in its own way."
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Want to move out of "avoidance". Have a conceptual plan but aware of fear of failing in it.
I hear your focus on this. What IF... you took Hops' "sq ft" idea about cleaning and applied it to "avoidance"? When there is fear, I found that breaking down the big goals into very, very small pieces or steps helped me a.) learn more about the fear itself and b.) recognize that the "risk" in failure wasn't so large. I think I had to restrict the number of things I was working with, too... working only in one area at time until I could actually feel the progress before moving on to work in another area.
The actual time and duration varies. Some things triggered the avoidant response for me, more than others. Remember the fear of getting lost, missing my turns, that I had during the long drive I went on last summer? The fear was full of the old "messages" about how it was all my fault that I would miss a turn... and sure enough! I did "get lost" on the way to my friend's house even while I was on the phone with her. I turned too soon... and then we laughed - because after all, it'd been 10 years since I'd been there and the world didn't end because of it.
I get the sense that sometimes, the consequences of my inner feared "failure" are blown way out of proportion - they are life/death - echoing some lost-to-time experience and emotion (those attachment issues that heart & ann mentioned). But in the here & now, really the consequences aren't that extreme. I'm sure as a shaky, vulnerable, sensitive young'en... the shaming & humiliation FELT like life/death to me. Certainly didn't nurture any confidence in myself, I'll tell ya that!
So, when I was driving by myself during the move... there was one turn I wasn't sure about; I didn't have all the visual milestones locked into my memory. Driving down the highway, I realized I'd passed my last "marker" a ways back; I was aware of the signs saying the highway would end soon and still hadn't found my turn. Almost called hubby on the cell for help! But another mile or so, and I started seeing the signs for my turn... and I started to relax.
I know, I know! That's what a GPS is for... but in a way these "driving" experiences are a lot like how I've been navigating through this process, too. Do the research on a map first... know the landmarks... where I'll need to get gas, based on what I'm driving... estimate the time to arrive... and then just get in the car - find my music (VERY important) and then just go! And yes, since driving alone... I get to tackle (even talking out loud) to whatever old crap comes up to "haunt" me.
"EARNED SECURE" is a very interesting concept that I haven't heard of before, Heart. Please share what you find!
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I have thought about this and thought about this and thought about this. Without a family , without having grown up in an environment in which parents,
siblings have each other's back the world becomes a very dangerous place. The resulting and deep damage is debilitating.
GS - Thanks for your insights and suggestions. I found a pretty dramatic shift the other day in my reaction to a life situation that has repeated throughout my adult life time and time again with the origin being rooted in childhood. It is in part about what you said about the roles that we play as children in the family dynamic. One of my roles as a child was to be my mom's emotional blanket, her shoulder to cry on.
The other day she called my cell when I was out enjoying a sunny Sunday afternoon, a brief stop at the museum and then a matinee, Avatar, before the movie she called in one of her depressed and bitter states, I told her I was just about to go into the movie and would call her back later, she was clearly annoyed with this but accepted it and hung up. As the movie was just about to start I heard myself say "you did not break it you do not have to fix it." As if the burden of worrying, caring and wondering, the feelings of fear stirred in me by her "needy call" just evaporated, I realized that I can still care about her and carry her responsibly but that I did not have to let her pain burden my day, this reaction came easily, and without much effort on my part - it was a first.
It feels as if I am detaching from the unhealty attachment of always being HER mom. The guilt and fears, still mildly there, are diminishing as I begin to see, more fully see myself as a separate person and not responsible for her needs, as I had always felt as a child. It was as if a huge burden was lifted, I hope this translates into other areas of my life where I feel emotionally burdened and powerless, other than prayer, to really make a positive difference to others in need rather than just shrink from responsibility by being overly responsible.
Thanks,
Lise
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Thanks Ann!
I'm going to copy your post over to a new thread, since this seems to be a significant topic. Lots to think about and talk about.
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Going "through" means opening up so much of those feelings and memories long ago repressed. It is revisiting that pain buried for survivals sake. Last night I awoke time again after gut wrenching dreams that put me right back in the midst of it all. But I also gained some insight. I saw linkages that have not been visible before, linkages that have become clear to me through my rational understanding but these dreams connected them in different ways.
One dream had me in the midst of clutter and dust and one of my brothers. The judgement and driticism nad put downs were so real. Then someone came to the door on their way somewhere. In this simple scenario I saw part of how the need to belong and to be part of family, to be loved became linked with the expectation of condemnation and criticism and i saw how that also connected with under-performance, with shutdown.
Now to find the way out.
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Gabben - thanks for sharing that. That is a fantastic insight. That is my goal - to feel the powerful trigger, recognize it and be able to chose a different outcome. I am very glad for you.
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GS- As I read your posts it felt so familiar. We really are dealing with the same type of parents.........it is beyond me how those parents can function that way and how after all these years we allow them to hurt us and push our buttons.
My bro and I had a conversation and it was so enlightening. He said, "none of my friends know who mom is......to them I am not Beth's son, I am me." Then I realized it. In all the circles I have been a part of for many years I have been Beth's daughter, but now that I have cancer and they are holding a benefit for me in my home town, I am not Beth's daughter I am Kelly. Every know me. No one knows my mom or that she thinks she is important.
There was a time in my life when I had my own identity. It was in high school. Oh, yes, I functioned as her daughter at church and at her work activities but in HS (where she had nothing to do with me, other than to judge my friends because they didn't go to our church.....I shouldn't have been their friends.....) I was me and the outpouring of love towards me by those people further emphasizes that.
So the question is. Was there a time when you successfully were good and wonderful and fabulous despite them?? If there was, I suggest you run to those people to love and support you. If you find yourself enmeshed in your parents' circles it is no wonder you are having a hard time releasing from the shame and dread that they heaped upon you. You are still in "their" world. Find your own world where you exist to the exclusion of them.
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Dear GS,
You have been working hard to come to a resolution, and I applaud you for it. So many of us experience and perceive as do others, and some of us have our own ways of explaining ourselves here, and the cause behind it all.
My parents were not good parents at all. They knew nothing about being parents, but then I knew my grandparents and dysfunction began likely even before them. so I just had a bad start, and if mom were stressed then I believe I was stressed even in the womb.
The expression ‘to have someone’s back‘, or support as I refer to it, well there was none of that in the family of 2 parents and 5 kids. Living on an isolated farm, we had only ourselves to deal with, plus interaction with schoolmates when finally of age to attend., but we were ‘squabblers’.
For myself, I expect that I must have thought that my parents were always right as they were older and were ‘Mom and Dad.’. I was never told personal things about growing up, having a career, a goal, where I excelled, and at 17 knew I was on my own. I retrospect I believed that everyone else knew what to do--even knew what I wanted/felt (could read my mind,) as I didn’t know that all people are different.
Siblings always on the outs with one another, and parents showing no affection or love.
If I map out a chunk of time whereby I felt the most comfortable with myself, it was after I left my daughter’s father and before the car crash---66-69.
Now that I am through with Ns (and I didn’t know how to handle N-son-in-law) I look back at the N I chose --from his ’good guy’ mask and the life we were to have together. In retrospect, I realize I left Ontario to come out here, get away from everybody who had anything to do with that old life, but had to pay with 4 years with an N, for my choice!
I email with only one sister and she is coming out next month, regardless of knowing what a terrible hostess I will be, with pain and tremors etc. My first instinct was to tell her to not come but I knew that would hurt her and I realize she knows I am ‘out of commission’ so I hope it all goes well. She is not an N, but I prefer to be alone now and feel like I am now worth something …..to the people at the organization for which I’ve worked for 5-6 years.. The girl who took over the bookkeeping when I quit after last year’s accident is easy to get along with, and even said I was well thought of at the organization… and to the gals who come to care for me at home.
…and that reminds me that all my life I wanted to have my own life that didn’t include any member of my family, i.e. have girl-friends and boy-friends without having take them home to be approved of, as I felt my friends might just come away thinking my family was nice (Sunday best behaviour) and why would I say things derogatory about them? They were well-respected in the community!
Now my sister is going to meet my therapist, and home care person and they better not think that she is “better than I’. I would croak!!!!! at this late date of getting my act together.
For me the answer was No Contact.--out of sight, out of mind!!
Love
Izzy
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Another shift - in the form of a a dream last night. When i come back here tonight i will have a complete breakthrough to report.
The dream was very complex and I only remember very small segments but I know that threads of one dream were pickedup and moved through to another through at least 4 dreams.
In the first I had a dream in a dream and there was an image of a gentle rabbit. In the next dream I was with my maternal grandmother and i had a dream interpretation for her (about the rabbit of my first dream).
then another dream collided in and my mother was talking to my grandmother and my presence was simply fading from consciousness. But I spoke up, even though I was not present to them. I spoke up because I knew that I had a truth whether they heard or acknowledged it.
The next dream, I was on my way somewhere and I came to an intersection. I had been on a small rural, unpopulated lane and suddenly I came to a superhighway, interstate intersection where I had to descend down a hill on a multilaned road but I could not simply select my path. Instead I had to go to an authority in blue (sort of like a TSA agent) and it appeared that i must get clearance before I could go on. My son was with me and I did not have my driver's liscence. I was afraid that I was going to be stopped and that my son, who moved out ahead, would be separated from me. As I pulled up to my authority in blue and opened my purse and pulled out the case where I would have kept my liscense, I suddenly knew that all was OK, that the rabbit of the dream interpretation was related to the clearing of the path ragardless of what person or authority figure stood before me. The barriers were in appearance only.
Fear is my only barrier.
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Wow, those are powerful (and powerfully clear) dreams. It sounds like in your heart you know what you need to know to get through this barrier.
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whew - a lifetime of internalized criticism and condemnation and it's fear response have taken a big toll.
Yesterday I was thinking about my struggles against anxiety and how it has been like bei ng attached to a prison cell with a bungy cord. Every time I found the prison door open I have run like hell only to find myself snapped back with tremendous force.
Yesterday, again I found the prison door open but I do not know how to cope outside of the prison. My fear of condemnation and anticipatory fear and expectation of being humiliated and shot out have run such deep ridges in my neural pathways that having an open prison door is merely a portal to freedom and not freedom itself.
My work up until now has been about shutting off the flight/fight reaction. But I did not even know that was my work until relatively recently. Now that I have experienced that a little, I must develop that muscle with regular exercise. But that is only one of several steps. It is such a slow and painstaking process. I am definitely disappointed. I had always had dreams of the prison door flinging open and experiencing a long lasting euphoria and waltzing into life. The steps into freedom willl be as laborious as the work to get here.But I cannot rest. I have come so far but have so much farther yet to go.
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small babysteps - 1 sq inch at a time - build up momentum, positive energy and confidence to take on the risk of flinging open the door of euphoria....
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I have been living with the shackles of this debilitating, paralyzing anxiety for as long as I can remember. But I thought I was merely imprisoned by my own character flaws of laziness and sloth. Until relatively recently I did not know that this prison was built of anxiety. I had come to know for many years now that my failings were not a product of my will. I willed, longed to do things that my body simply would not/could not respond to. But not of that made any sense to me.
Over the recent years, I have worked so hard to find an answer and that work has surely payed off. For some time now, I have bit by bit come to understand what was at play in the paralysis and bit by bit I have developed a plan for getting out, finding techniques that have been used b others for various, related issues. This has been a slow and painful journey. Lonely much of the time.
I thought that when I had all the pieces of the puzzle that the gates would open and ease would rush in. That is not the case. I will continue, not to struggle, but to build on what I have found.
I have lived in prison for so long that I do not know how to live outside of it. And I will have to work very hard to not slip back into fear of the prison and fear of condemnation and most critical of all - fear of rejection and isolation.
For so long I have lived in a double shackle of fear of rejection/isolation and the reality of rejection/isolation while the fear and the reality palyed off of each other, deepening the pain and reality of each. Moving out of and away from prison will be slow even as I fear the return - it is all that I know. I will be working to gain my foot holds with each step.
It is a very, very lonely journey. Noone in my 3D life has a clue about how difficult this is or even what this prison has been. In truth, noone cares. This struggle is such a different sort that it is by its very nature a lonely one. Even here I think few understand but here I find compassion and caring. It is a lifeline.
My struggle is not over but it has taken a turn and is changing. It is frightening but in a different way from life before. There is so much work to be done. It is overwhelming. But I am thankful that at long last I can begin to move forward without the bungee cord of anxiety that kept snapping me back into prison of paralysis whenever i broke out.
Thanks to all of you who have lent support and acknowledgement to me along this journey. It has been nourishment to my soul.
I have actually just begun my journey out. I do have to say again that it is frightening. The prospect of failure looms large. It is what I have always known. I am learning to shift my attention, to look for and expect success but that is not my comfort zone - fear and retreat are my comfort zone.
When I opened my computer to write this entry, I was planning on writing about my comfort zone - zoning out has bee my only release from the raging fear that I have lived in for years on end, every waking and sleeping moment. I never was free of the pain but I found that retreat from it by numbing out was necessary for survival. I have numbed out by retreating into my head and my thoughts. Sometimes I have turned to food or coffee or reading or TV or even the computer. When possible Ihave numbed out by "doing" but that had its own sets of anxieties and so there would be a need to retreat afterward.
How to be without numbing. how to work my way out of paralysis and clutter and darkness without being crushed by that wretched anxiety and fear. I am not sure but this is what will be my journey for some time to come.
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Thank you PR. That is right - small baby steps. Just reading your words helps me feel the burden break up and fall off.
That is such a big help. As I read these words and say them i realize that for a few days, maybe longer, I will be "practising" feeling the onset of anxiety and letting it go. This is the first lesson. This is what I do after having just had the cast remove. I cannot run the marathon now. I am not at peak performance. My mind has been expecting peak performance. The real therapy has just begun. Baby steps. Experience the rise of anxiety, the anticipation - and let it go - release.
It will happen.
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more stuff - another layer
actually available through your simple reminder PR
for years, each and every action has brought on huge amounts of anxiety - really indescribable anxiety even over the simplest things - like opening mail, answering the phone much less things that are normal day to day activities for most - washing dishes, doing laundry, mopping the floor, going to a meeting, being somewhere on time, being in public, going to the grocery store - and on and on and on.
Each of these simple tasks opens the flood gates of anxiety for me and the physical sensation is horrendous. It is much like sticking my finger in the socket. So now I see that for so very long each and every activity has been an anxiety issue. Just sitting on the couch and contemplating the things that need to be done - the anticipation of the anxiety that will flood when i do any chore, any activity. The pain of the release of anxiety from "doing" has been soooo much greater than the pain of the anxiety of anticipating it - which was bad enough in itself.
So much work - to do things and come to break the association of everyday tasks and anxiety.
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HMmm.
I hear what you're saying. I remember that process of coming out of my cocoon-prison. I can't tell how it happened, can't describe a how-to process... but at some point, I began to realize that there was more to the experience of leaving one's comfort zone than fear, anxiety about risk-success-failure, and how others would see me (and how I would see myself).
At one point, I realized that I'd been conditioned to color the feeling of anticipation - looking forward to something - with that fear and anxiety. WHAT IF - I asked myself - what if, instead of that self-defeating dread (and internalized messages about consequences)... what if that was wrong? What if I was creating a self-perpetuating negative cycle?
And somewhere along the way, I learned that I could include "excitement", "looking forward to", positive feelings about trying something new, discovery, exploration to the old messages - they co-existed for a while. I could be anxious AND excited, for instance. At another point, I realized that I was feeling more of the positive feelings about "new stuff" and inner transformation than I was the old. But the old "tendencies" to repeat the old patterns remain - I can easily slip back into them. Like old stinky worn out slippers... I think it's OK; it might even serve to heighten the contrast with the "new me" that is slowly forming. But the important bit of that is now, I feel I have a choice.
I know that expectation that a magic someday will arrive - when I'm "all done" with this. That I'll be finally free or whatever. But this isn't all it's cracked up to be, I think. In reality, I think I'll simply be sliding along a scale of the old & new issues (thought more of as opportunities or challenges, now) and that some days, I'll be more conscious and more free than others. I think I can accept that as a reasonable "outcome". At the same time though, this kind of work is one of the ways I "love myself every day" - like Helen was talking about. And given where I was - I don't know that I'll ever see a need to completely "let it go". Self-reflection and inner work are continuous, lifelong education - in a spiritual sense - for me.
It helps me connect to the universe beyond me - and I ain't about to let that go! Too much to see, do, play with, and learn about. Too many fun people to get to know. And way too many things that I haven't thought about in depth or understood yet. The thirst for that kind of knowledge bolsters my inner cost-benefit chart... I WANT to know more than I'm afraid that other people will react to me like Nmom did... and so I decide to take incrementally larger or different risks.
Not that you'll have the same experience - but I hope you'll find it reassuring that this part of your path doesn't have to be exhausting, tedious, a struggle. It can be fun, delightfully enlightening, low-stakes risks too... scary as that might sound at the moment.
((((((GS))))))
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I am soaking in what you have written.
I do pray that the isolation and rejection and loss of connection disappear immediately rather than incrementally. It is so waring to raise a chikld in such isolation and loneliness. It is hard for us both.
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I see a circle - you and your son. Not lonely - but a small circle.
Then, I see friends - yours & his... and the circle expands. You do things for and with your friends and vice versa. They are "playmates" in life... but also willing to help out and lend a hand once in a while. And they introduce you to their friends...
... and the circle expands
... and then, one day you realize there isn't any circle anymore... you, just by being and living, ARE connected to everyone else.
Not totally awake yet... still in that in-between state this morning.
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I like that image.
A circle larger than two would so lift the burdens.
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GS...I don't consider you lazy or a sloth. Sometimes while you are going through psychological healing you become overwhelmed. I know I went through it. My house was a mess and I couldn't get out of it. The best money I spend is the money on a cleaning lady. It forces me to keep my house up, thereby keeping me sane.
I don't know what to say to you to make you do what I did. I felt exactly like you and then one day I snapped and no longer care what my mom thinks. She is so....I don't know, I cannot read her. I was telling her about something and she gets this look on her face......her eyes are slits.......if she thinks for a moment that I am going to say something bad about her golden family.....(not my bro or me........her other family.....)
Don't care. Don't care. Don't care.
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working on reprogramming. slowly but surely facing anxiety producing activities and finding a way to get grounded through the triggers. hard work. lonely. square inch cleaning requires focus on only one square inch at a time. Hard to keep focus and not look at the rest of what must be accomplished. Keeping the focus is key to not getting overwhelmed. One square inch.
This all brings up another of the doouble binds - nothing I did was good enough. The not good enough message is a hurdle for the squarre inch program. this process brings up each of these hurdles one at a time. Very painful. very slow.
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((((GS))))
You also have the right to just stand on the threshold.
Just a few minutes a day. Or not every day.
Just to stand on the threshold. Door safely open behind you to the comfort zone, back to couch.
Outside? Just sniff. May be a little spring breeze. Maybe a crocus you decide to go look at.
Or not.
The threshold's a good place. You can stand there. As long as you like.
One toe in, one toe out. That's a perfectly permissible place and dignified way for a human to stand.
For as long as you like.
You are allowed to spend time on the threshold.
When outside, or a square foot of it, feels friendly, you can go out. And then go back in.
The threshold belongs to you.
love,
Hops
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Thank you Hops.
I can keep these things in my mind:
1 foot in and 1 foot out,
focus on the 1 sqaure inch
and there is one more - I have to look it up.
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((((((((((GS)))))))))))
It's not a test.
And if it were it's Pass/Fail and you Passed a long time ago...
being you.
xo
Hops
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LOL - no I don't feel tested.
I am thinking out loud, keeping helpful thought up front in my consciousness to be used as i move through triggers, shifting out of the old anxiety response.
As I move through normal every activities, many of which have triggered extreme, repressed angst, while shifting out of the expectation of anxiety into a new process, I am sure that the old "anticipatory" anxiety will begin to lessen. This will make it much, much easier for me to be able to do more and more things that have been so difficult for me - the normal everyday things.
I'm not writing in a way that makes sense to any one else but it helps to write it anyway. It is making sense to me.
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The dreams i had last week continue to help me on my way out. I am able to stand on the precipice of my normal, severe anxiety reaction and catch myself, remember the rabbit and pull myself back out. Right now the most difficult thing is to move out of immobilization. It is an entrenched safety that is no longer needed but the habit is so profound.
I know I can do this. I am surprised at how frightening it is. Such fear of failure, such fear of deficit of resources, such fear of recriminations and a large part of this is deeply internalized.
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you see the mistakes as reinforcing the false belief that was projected
Whew - I got this far in your post PR and had to comment.
This describes one of the major contributors to my immobilization - every mistake, large and small reinforces the false beliefs that were projected onto me. This worked in such a way that I would cover up the mistakes because they caused such shame and humilation as they proved how unworthy, unnecessary and in the way I was. Later on I would become so angry that others did not have the same dire consequences that I had for the same mistakes. Others were not "excommunicated" for similar errors. That bitterness and anger worked against me, proving, cementing the unwantedness and problem that I was.
Still can't write as much as I would like to about this. I am certain that there is so much to explore about this for myself. I want so much to say more but I must wait until it becomes clearer for me.
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Odd that you used the word "excommunicated". There's a clue there, I think... to "connection".
I can relate to that feeling. It's been coming up a lot in little ways for me... but sort of on the flip side. With hubby home all the time now, we keep "bumping into each other" about who's doing what (or did what)... we're stepping on each other's toes (egos) more often... and trying to divvie up the things that need to get done - and I'm running headfirst into one of my "buttons" that he continually pushes... by telling me in detail "how to do" things. We keep having minor blowups when I point out to him, that I know how to load the dishwasher... or think I'm capable of whatever task, without his constant oversight & direction. And of course, he takes that personally and thinks I'm "mad" at him...
...sigh. I've explained the history of why that bothers me to him. Lately, I've just been scathingly sarcastic - because he's treating me like a clueless child. But of course, he's the one who's feelings are hurt (due to sarcasm)...
I think we're getting it sorted out, but not without a few bumps & bruises. I have to learn that he CAN help... can be an important part of the process... and I wish he would learn that I have old scars that are still sensitive... and that it's not his fault; he isn't the problem.
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and I wish he would learn that I have old scars that are still sensitive...
This was a significant issue with my late husband and me. I could not convey this to him in any way that created a shift in behavior. It was a significant issue until his dieing day. Only after he died was I able to see how some of the issues that punched my buttons caused me to punch his as well. It was sort of like a perversion of that O'Henry story, "The Gift of the Magi".
I have more to say but I have to process my rambling thoughts before I do.
BTW, I am always cheered when I see that you have posted on my thread. Regardless of what you say, it is a comfort to read your thoughts. Thank you friend. - GS
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Hey you're welcome!
Sorry for the personal babble of mine... it was kinda non sequitor, 'coz I was winding down another winding train of thought. But speaking of pushing buttons - it's kind of inevitable from time to time; it's almost like a sign of "life". He described it as our boundaries being compressed - we each have smaller personal spaces, being around each other a lot more. We do tend to push each other's buttons randomly - and sometimes at the same time - and I don't want to make those "off limits". I'm not trying to teach him "hands off" certain topics or behavior or feelings. That would be counterproductive to what I really want and trying to control him; mold him into something he's not.
What I want is to just be comfortable - to keep the scars, yes - but not have them evoke all the old behaviors. Fortunately, we're able to talk through these moments and figure out what just happened. Next step is working out another way of "being" in that place and choosing something different than that old pattern, ya know?
HEY - the new house has a swing! Remember? It's almost spring again!
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That is, IF I'm not centered in myself and haven't had a chat with the inner child prior or negotiated a pre-arranged agreement about what is appropriate behavior. My inner child tends toward melodramatic acting out, extreme anger, and consequently total withdrawal - feeling unworthy of fun, pleasure, or self-care. I've been dealing with finding a way to undo the self-sabotage I "suffer from" and working with the inner child on where her logic went kaflooey... why she thought this was safer than caring for herself... what the emotional string of stuff is underlying it.
Your writings are so full of power for me PR. I have to take it very slowly. This one paragraph holds so much for me, especially this sentence: My inner child tends toward melodramatic acting out, extreme anger, and consequently total withdrawal - feeling unworthy of fun, pleasure, or self-care.
I am stymied to write more even though I really long to. I hope that I can walk away and come back to it. this is very, very important for me to face and work through. Oh I know you were writing about yourself but it so aptly applies to me and my experiences as well.
If I can keep myself aware of the fact that I am still living in the child's reactiveness then I can help myself avoid the pitfalls and over reactions that often come my way. those overreactions are sources of great shame and feelings of utter impotence and they touch and reaffirm the old lies of worthlessness.
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Patience with yourself and tender kindness... it's the world's best antidote to the old poison. I still don't give this to myself enough - and I still keep others who try to give it to me at arm's length. But lately, the tide is turning... tipping point coming up, you know?
I think it's probably taken me YEARS to really process this little chunk of information/self-knowledge. But each little step of progress started to accumulate positive energy - "points" if you will - on that side of the scoreboard. And yeah - I had to peek at it a lot through squinty eyes & fingers over them a few times, before I could finally open to it. Thankfully, it's not a contest!!!!
(((((((GS))))))))
I'm so glad you got your internet back! :D
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thanks PR. It is so good to connect with you and others here again - GS
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This should have been plainly obvious to me but it wasn't and that is a surprise. The biggest wound underneath the significant hurts is the rejection I experienced in my family of origin. I experienced it and continue to experience it from my father, my mother and both of my brothers. The "continue to" aspect is not the wounding. The deep abysmal wound is that it started from birth.
I see how this has opened my heart to walk into the world expecting to be rejected, or criticized or .... The neurological response of fear and swimming against the tide, striving started from my earliest days. No wonder it is so powerful.
I am at the bottom of the digging portion of my journey and simultaneously already on the ascent out.
I am using the shift of emotional response to push me forward, upward. My rabbit dream with my mother and grandmother is a great help with that shift. Essential to making this transition is the acknowledgement of where I am at the moment - to be open to the deepest of pain and connect it to that primordial wounding and in the midst of pain to shift.
writing myself out of dysfunction
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This entry is not about my healing but it is a weird experience and I want to share it somewhere.
Recently, in my town a man who is married with young children went missing. A few days ago his body was found. It has not yet been made public how he died and the speculations are wild. Meanwhile his estranged brother who marches to the beat of his own drummer has been blogging wild, unfiltered thoughts about his brother and his brother's children. The blog has been pruiently fascinating.
This morning I googled the blog to read his latest entry and up came an undated entry that I read. In the midst of the ramblings was a description of "an old friend of mine" with a number of unusual facts that closely matched my late husband including the fact that he has been boxing with a younger opponent and was hit in the heart and then later died on the track at the gym.
With some reservation I emailed the writer and he confirmed that he was writing about my late husband.
What is so weird is that I am the only person I know who has ever connected the boxing experience and his later heart attack. They happened almost a year apart. This man was not close to my husband. In fact, while I am not surprised that they knew each other I am totally baffled that this guy knew about the boxing experience.
Odder still, the entry has no date and I asked the guy when he wrote it and he said 2 or 3 years ago and yet it was the first entry that came up when I googled the blog. I have been checking out the blog for a couple of days and never seen this entry before.
Anyway - it is just a weird experience and I wanted to share it with noone in particular but another human somewhere and cyber space is as good a place as any for that.
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I had a long drive today - 6 & 1/2 hours with 2 cats and dog and half way through my child developed a stomach flu like problem.
After we stopped because he was nauseated, we stopped again because he had to poop. He was in tears and sweating a little. When he got back in the car he lay down and fell deeply asleep until the cats began meowing incessantly.
I found myself getting overwhelmed. As i stayed with the feeling, and tapped on it, I found that I could connect with a huge amount of fear, painful, terrifying fear from my childhood. I saw how my father (authority) would criticize, condemn, punish me for things that others might get praised for. The demands were so high that I could not attain them or if I did then the goal would suddenly shift or the attainment would be diminished because of some small exception.`
These feelings, memories, triggers escalated as cars passed me when I was going the speed limit. I was hypervigilant about being pulled over by law enforcement even though I was not speeding. It was like being punished by a teacher who turned around when you are telling someone trying to talk to you that you can't talk. It took me several hours to work through the pain/panic/fear.
It was definitely like being in that child again. I saw that I believed that my actions, my being was the cause of the criticism and rejection. I was sure that if I could get it right and be good enough that I would be loved and get the nurturing and comforting and acceptance that I so longed for. When I saw this I immediately remembered the rabbit dream and the other dream I had that same night. In the rabbit dream, I see a dream symbol of a rabbit that has significance for my grandmother. When I tell her about it my mother is there, turned away, waiting for the conversation to end. I sense in her an agitation, an irritation that she is passively threatening to verbalize if my grandmother responds to me. My grandmother is caught between the two of us. If she accepts my offering my mother will respond caustically. If she ignores me, my mother will immediately move in to connect with her and offer her that soothing result of mother-daughter connection. The dream ends there. I am keenly aware that my grandmother's choice is immaterial. The rabbit is a truth which is not dependent on whether my grandmother accepts it or not. That is the message of the dream. What is me does not depend on the reaction or acceptance of a relative. "Me" does not depend on being accepted or loved by them. Even though my being longs to be accepted and loved by these very beings.
The other dream of that night shows so clearly that my choice is between trying, longing to meet their demands, to overcome the issues that evoke their criticism, to shift out of unworthy into worthy OR letting go and moving into rational, reasonable, normal.
In that dream, I am in an apartment, my apartment. My brother (who also shifts into and out of being my father) is there for some reason. My living room does not have furniture but some kind of technological boxes. There is cat fur on them. I am trying to surrepticiously clean off the cat fur as we organize the boxes. he shifts into my father and the rules are evoked and there is no way I can meet the requirements.
Someone comes by and knocks at the door, inviting me to join her and some friends at a celebration. I can't go because I have to get the living room straightened up. I tell her no and expect her to go catch up with the group at the festival. I'm feeling left out - excluded. Then I am standing in the doorway. I have become the friend who stopped by. I say that I won't leave without her (the person, (me) who lives there. I call for the other friends to come and help get the work done so we can all go. I shift back to me. I am hit with a shot of panic. He will NEVER let me go. There will be a HUGE price to pay. I say NO. She sees immediately what is going on and lays it all out. "He is destroying you. He is not sheltering you, showing you the right way. His rules are ways to controll you not superior to everyone else's way as he has claimed.
I have a choice. Try to meet his demands. Try to connect. Try to get the love and caring that I need to survive or thought I needed to survive or that I need to survive emotionally if not physically. OR see the insanity, the impossibility of the demands that are actually set up to force me to fail and then become a rationale for deserving the abuse he must heap out on me and decide to forgo that source of love, to give up being loved and cared about by the people who gave life to me, who seemed to have it all, whom I thought I admired and whom the world claimed loved me. The had to love me didn't they, they were my parents and my siblings. But they didn't and the world was wrong.
I must give up my hope for that longed for love. I must choose the friends and friendship instead. it seems to pale in comparison but in truth it is the only hope for real connection. Seeing this truth is still indescribably painful but it is a must and making that choice is the only choice of hope. The other choice is of chronic pain and perpetual failure. It is Sysiphus pushing the rock up the mountain over and over and over into eternity.
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Yucky day, yucky me, wanting to muddle through changes. Weather dumping on my parade.
Last night very much felt as though I was "going through it" to get to the other side. The pain was fully a revisitation of the extreme emotional pain of childhood. I could see how my choice could be made - a very, very difficult choice to make - survival or being loved. Even as a grown, rational adult it is difficult - though very, very clear. One leads to insanity and a loop and the other to healing and a long climb up. It is a lifetime and nature's conditioning that I must overcome. It isn't Sysiphus any more because I am chosing a different path but just getting started is harder than I had imagined.
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I saw a fascinating program on TV last night. It is TLC's new version of Hoarding, a vast improvement over A&E's (which I like). TLC's version is not a 3 day clean up (with no follow up) but is a s-l-o-w, incremental series of steps that ultimately lead to change. One of the Hoarders was a very attractive and apparently, otherwise, successful man whose hoarding was so severe that once inside the door of the 3 bedroom home people were walking on stuff - no floor visible. Once his girlfriend of several years, saw it for the first time, she threw the towel in. She had ZERO compassion or understanding. Her reaction was quite harsh.
I love that it the focus of this program is for the l-o-n-g term solution and the slow but steady remedy. It seems as if some therapists developed this program out of a strong reaction to the A&E version. It feels good to me. I want to form a s-l-o-w but stready plan for all phases of my life, especially as I find the way to switch tracks from the looped longing to be loved and belong and be cared for to the uphill climb to claim my own being to name "rabbit" regardless of the reaction.
*****
the loneliness is indescribable. It is not interesting to read about I am sure but I have a need to write about the piercing pain of a lifetime of repressed and denied pain coupled with all that horrific pain the leached around the massive scar. I ache. I hurt. Overwhleming pain, pain and anger. In the middle of it. Lonely to the core. Using computer as an umbilical cord to life - not a good plan. Must cut that false cord - very scary.
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This can be a great place but it can be a lonely place at times too.
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Hey, from this end of this weird umbilical...
a big loving hug from a real person to real you.
I'm so sorry, GS, I know a little of what you're going through.
LOOOOOOOVE to you,
Hops
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Strength,
I know that where you are right now feels lonely, but the work you are doing is so important and is truly making a difference. I hope it helps to know that we are out here, cheering you on, while you do what is essentially lonely work. It is as though you have finally given up on having someone else take care of your pain, and given yourself permission to (and the faith in yourself to) work through it.
I am reading your dreams and thinking how very very important they are in this work, and how they are giving you a treasure box of information about your pain. What a gift! That is better than anything we could give you.
I am excited for you and so, so hopeful. It has been a long night for you, and it is thrilling for me to see the dawn.
Love
CB
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Dream lastnight, long and complicated but one scene was in a grocery store aisle. I was behind two women and they were ambling along, oblivious to the fact that they were blocking the entire aisle. I was getting so frustrated and irritated. When i finally got to the end and got by I caught up with friends at the meat counter - an old fashioned cold counter set out, stand alone.
I was still quite frustrated and knew that they would not want to hear about it and yet it was bubbling up and had no where to go. If I revealed my frustration they would leave me behind. If i didn't I would explode.
As we are chatting, I realize that all of this bubbling frustration goes directly to my father. He was figuratively in that aisle with me and was getting angry and fomenting his quite anger and irritation at me. I knew, anticipated that STUFF that was going to come out either at me or inappropriately at the ladies. Everything was always about him.
This dream showed me connections of real life to childhood experiences dealing with him and his rage and the dreaded result - the anticipation. It is so fitting that I had a similar experience connecting the present with the angst of being with my father in the past just yesterday in the grocery store.
all of this is bubbling up. I so pray that there will be a freedom when it is revealed and dealt with.
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Dear hops and CB, thank you both for reaching out. It was like hearing a voice in the wilderness. It let me know that I am not alone.
CB - thanks especially for the encouragement about the work. I talked to my therpist about it today. I told him that I knew that I was reexperiencing the real, raw pain from my childhood as a part of "going through" in order to get to the other side, but that my fear is that I will not get to the other side, to the functional side where I can use the competencies that I was born with. He assured me that I would get there. that is exactly what i needed to hear - that I will definitely get there.
I do believe it. I do know where I am and why these dreams are bombarding me.
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Strength,
And I am a witness to your journey for the last few years--remember? I can testify how far you have come....
Can you believe that you are where you are now??? I know that this is very hard and a struggle. But LOOK at you! This is huge.
Your therapist is right--you are going to make it. You HAVE made it.
Love
CB
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I'm of the same opinion as CB - you've made it kiddo! ((((((((GS))))))))
Sure, there'll be more emotional forensics as you put some distance between the "down into" and the "up out of" parts of the process. Things actually start to look different on the up out of side and for me, this caused some re-evaluation; re-assessment of old stuff that I thought I was "done with". Sometimes the "answers" were the same - but with a slightly different angle of perception about them. A new, different understanding.
Your dreams I think, are helping you create & design your own "how-to" manual - they're providing glimpses of how to start making those changes you've wanted for so long. They're letting you see the choices you've got now.
So - WOWWWWEEEEE GS!! Can we have a happy dance celebration soon?
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Got an image/analogy today that Ihope will help me find my way through. (Greatest fear is being stuck right in the middle of the maelstrom - in the pain - stuck in it.)
I am scuba diving and down deep and oxygen malfunctions. I am desparate and racing toward the top. If I don't slow down I will get the bends. I am not thinking but reacting. I am desparate. I must transition out of panic and into determined, calculated action. I must leave the desparation to belong to the family for survival, leave the striving to get it right so I can belong - that striving to survive and desparation to belong and be loved and be cared for is the very panic and despair that is driving me to race to the surface - it will kill me.
The key that I want to gloss over is looking to be cared for, to be nurtured to health and functionality, to be a child again with loving, nurturing care givers. I simply missed out on that. I must mourn it and move on. if I continue to try to get it by dysfunction (immobilization/slovenlyness) I will die and worse than that my child will carry that suffering and debilitating burden onto himself. I owe it to HIM as well as myself to move out of the panic and slowly, methodically, deliberately get myself out of this danger.
I can do it. I am utterly on my own but i can do it. and I must. I am afraid but this is truly life or death - not physical but emotional, spiritual life or death for me AND my child.
I pray for God's strength and courage and ability.
I am in a desparate struggle and the only path to survival is slow and steady. It is not fight or flight. I have NEVER been slow and steady with anything. It is now or never. Thank you to this community for the courage and acceptance that gave me the grace to get to this place. I will find solace here to journey on.
Even though I see this as the way to my desired outcome, I am still gravely reluctant to put myself through the trials and tribulations that it will take to get there. Only thing is - I have no where to go but up but my life depends on slow and steady.
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CB and PR thank you both for your insight and your encouragement. Your posts are like breaths from your own oxygen tank to help me bear the pain of the slow and steady journey up - through. No panic allowed.
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I must hold to the feeling of the rabbit dream - the fact state as opposed to the reactive, emotive, panic/fear state.
This is the "training" that I must go through so that when I experience the triggers, I must return to rabbit state.
Step 2 is to push through the actions that must be taken, which heretofore have triggered the repressed anxiety state, the double=bind rememory, to rewrite those neural paths.
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The "going through" feels like a self-destrucion.
Thinking about this process - I saw that self-sabotage was the way that I stayed connected with FOO and held onto hope that I would be loved and provided for. Of course self-sabotage also meant that I would come into life as a failue AND be rejected all the while still on the tether.
It is so topsy turvy insane where up is down and down is up but never so straight forward as there are many twists and turns and mirrors to confuse along the way. It is a tangled mess.
Part of the evidence that I am "going through" is that things are getting much worse: the disorder is growing, the self-care portions are getting worse and on and on. What was always bad is greater and greater today.
I am in extreme discomfort.
The voice that is loud in my head says "I hate you." It is my voice. I haven't heard this for years, if not decades. I remember that during my college years it was the loudest, most repetitive voice in my ear. I am not sure why it is resurfacing at this time except perhaps as a "going through".
The double binds that I have written about here for years now have feeling attached. For so long it was words with no feeling connected. I do know that this is part of the "going through" but the problem is that the feeling is like a low voltage cattle prod and it is difficult not to revert to immobilization or other stimulation to distract. I must find a way to stay on target in order to get through. Distraction and avoidance will merely prolong it.
I think that as an adult the pain will be more tolerable than as a chlid. As a child it was NOT bearable. I, unwittingly and unaware, desparately sought connection and solace - ANYWHERE and from ANYONE. But I was loud and funny and came from the kind of family that people wanted to attach to so the connections were for all the wrong reasons and did not last and then I was left in the middle of the room starkly alone.
Now I am in a place of retreat with mess piling up around, no money, mounting debt, deteriorating house and yard and truth be told - deteriorating self. I continue to hope that this "going through" does indeed lead to the other side. The pain is so great.
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Ah sweetie - you know we're here for ya! We absolutely CARE about you and I for one, believe that it will only be desperate & extremely painful, for just a little bit. I do believe that the fear, the pain, are all going to evaporate very soon for you. That voice - the inner "brat" that says I hate you? Here's an idea... reply back, saying "I don't blame you after all you've been through!" Or something like that - validate the anger, and the reasons why.
But don't stop there. The next step is hard to describe and will be unique to you. You're going to ask that "I hate you" voice for permission to try to make it OK in the here and now. Explain that you can't change what used to be, but with her help you can make NOW what you both want it to be (those wants might be different).
You may find that she couldn't care less about how the house looks. That she actually finds some satisfaction in the mess - the lovely, full of life material chaos of life might be her thumbing her nose at the values that were pushed on you when you grew up. That situation will require negotiations: asking permission, outlining goals and steps to getting there, and trades - rewards for completing step 1, step 2, etc. The rewards can be quite simple - even 15 minutes & a cuppa tea are sometimes enough.
I'm going to bet that, as a child, you weren't even offered a reward for some of the impossibilities you were asked to take on. This might just be enough to win her over - gain her cooperation and participation in helping you, instead of stopping you with fear and pain.... (just the same weapons used against her). It will be a novel experience, huh? She might like this enough, that she'll come up with things to do, and propose her own rewards! How about an ice cream cone, for cleaning up the kitchen? A walk in the park for __________________.
And NO - I'm not gonna let you run out of oxygen!!
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PR - that is an incredible offering. What you have written feels like a perfect fitting puzzle piece. I have read it quickly as i must be on my way but I will be spending a good bit of time moving into fully. Thank you - the words are inadequate. I feel as though I have received a gift from the universe and you are the vessel through which it was delivered. Thanks again.
I am practicing shifting into "rabbit" today.
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I come here to write, to help my mind unload as a way of accessing or releasing some of the unconscious stuff so that I can find my way to the other side. Several times I have come here and had nothing to write but when I get in the car or lie down at night then I have paragraph upon paragraph coursing through my mind.
I am finding myself toggling back and forth between avoidance and distraction. In the avoidance state I experience shut down/immobilization. This period is possibly, potentially productive because at times i am able to be in this place, turn down the repression and tune into the pain ultimately shifting into what i am referring to as "rabbit" state - where I see things clearly without the emotional pain.
It is in distraction that I am slipping into the old pattern that is currently really working against me. I do need help out of this place.
Unfortunately computer time and mental stimulation through TV, radio (NPR), human conversation, computer busy-ness are all ways that I can distract myself and not feel the cattleprod of anticipatory anxiety that is actually a low-grade physical pain - a constant release of adrenal which is exhausting and unpleasant, like a never-ending caffiene buzz - so, so, draining. This distraction state is the normal state for my entire life. I am able to see that I have lived my entire life in this state of fear of my father's silent rage jammed up against my longing and fear of not getting his approval and acceptance. that fear is the fear of funning out of food of sustenance of shelter of protection. As i write this I see that I have put myself in that place where lack of money has jammed me right up against fear of those very things. This never ending, until now unconscious recognition of my infant origin fear has brought about the reality of what I have life long feared.
Bringing the unconscious into the conscious is supposed to bring about a shift. I am so frustrated at not getting to the shift.
In the past few days there is so much more that i have understood. Issues about friendships from my teen and college years. All this stuff is just pouring out. I so long for the shift and am so, so, so, so frustrated that nothing is happening. It really can't go on forever. Being in the know without a shift is like sticking my finger in the socket with no relief. it doesn't actually kill me but surely the sustained experience will. My heavens, I have spent my entire life in avoidance and distraction and now i'm stuck experiencing it full throttle. How long can this last? I suspect it could go on without relief for a very, very long time.
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Now I am late today but I have to write. I had a breakthrough. Hope ney pray it results in outward changes.
My father set me up to fail. When I was in his home he put excessively tight controls on my life. He was determined to keep me a child. This was a family joke with everyone else but him. My mother would occassionally talk about how he wouldn't let her talk about "adult" things because my father did not want up to know. She clearly saw that he was trying to keep us from growing up and she thought it was funny.
My father controlled all of the finances. He was generous with his spending on us but only for things that he selected. He did not fund things that we asked for or that we wanted. Only things that he wanted us to have. Many times these two universes were the same but my desires or needs that fell outside of his choice went unheeded.
But the biggest part of this understanding is that my father who kept extremely tight controls, then leg go of the reins when I became and adult. He did so without so much as a word. The whole set of rules shifted but I only learned it by experience. In fact when confronted with it he would actually deny it. So I was kept a child especially in financial terms - totally dependent and then in a child-like mental state - unleashed with a mentality that kept looking to dependence.
[I had seen this clearly but it is much more difficult to write.]
There are ways in which he constantly sabotaged my work. One was when I had a decent job in another city and he insisted that I accompany my mother on a trip to Europe. I did not have vacation time and was forced to quit this excellent job to do what he demanded. Couldn't I have said no. Of course an adult could but I was psychologically a dependant and did not have any capability to tell him no. I believed he was asking of me something that had MY best interests at heart. I believed that HE knew what was best for me.
Did he help me find a replacement job? of course not. Did he help me provide for myself financially - of course not. Did he care what I was going through - of course not. Did I understand any of that - absolutely not. I was only certain that I wasn't getting things right.
This whole state of dependence that I am living in without and entity a person to depend on is an outcropping of all of this.
Clearly still not worked out but definitely getting closer. So desparate to cut through it all.
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Ph my gosh - I got another piece of it.
I have been waiting for the "other foot" to come down.
The way I got set up from early, early childhood was I would be given responsibilities that I did not have the resources "knowledge, ability, financial wherewithall, etc" to complete. and I would sit in utter panic unable to move forward and THEN the deadline would come "6:30am" was a regular one and all hell would break loose - the rage (silently but deadly) would be unleashed and furious action would ensue and some assistance would come through in that fury - it was a "move over you incompetent and let me take care of this." And the job would be done.
THAT is EXACTLY what has been going on inmy life. I have been waiting for the other FOOT to DROP. That is the immobilization and the panic.
I so get it. I would fail until deadline and then there would be much GREATER consequences.
I pray somebody here hears this and understands. I cannot tell you what a door of pain this has opened. This is very, very, very frightening. I do feel like a little child who is immobilized and incompetentt to take care of herself - to even keep herself alive. This is the storm. I so pray that the other side is near and that it will truly bring a release from this cycle of immobilization and authoritarian punishment.
My house and my life are a mess waiting for the punishment and condemnation to come and wipe it all out to start the cycle again.
Someone recently posted about their parents demanding they do things with out the child knowing how - it was about toys being thrown out because they weren't cleaned up even though the child didn't know how. That is exactly what I experienced. That is an example of this cycle I am describing. I am going through life immobilized waiting for the hell to wipe out the mess so I can start over.
Please God let this realization break through to the other side.
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That "other foot" isn't going to drop, GS. That rage, fury, and humiliation WON'T follow anymore... unless you do that to yourself, because you've been trained to do so. Remember a while back, I posted a description of what "FEAR" stands for?
F = fear of
E = experience that
A = appears (this is the important word)
R = real
So break this down: you learned from first-hand experience, painfully, over & over until it became like a "law of nature" engraved in your brain that there really WAS something to FEAR. The real part of this, is that when you were a child and even as a young adult "kicked out of the nest" with no one covering your back... you realized how much you didn't have - the empty spaces in skills or knowledge, etc. That's like standing on the public stage of the world, stark naked. Humiliation and fear are the normal responses, aren't they? Intensely so, I'd imagine.
But HEY - that was then and THIS IS NOW. A LOT has changed - about you, about the situations you face and about the skills and knowledge that are now all part of you that you can bring to each challenge (no longer obstacles) or opportunity (because you are now an expert "learner"). And one of things you've learned, is that we internalize the cruelty that other imposed on us.... we do it to ourselves and it's hard to "catch it" - to see it happening in enough time to disrupt the cycle or pattern...
One thing I've realized is that these loops, patterns, self-sabotage things... depression, anxiety... these all take up so much head space - so much of my TIME... that I can't possibly add one more thing without the fear of failing completely to accomplish ANYTHING. So.... what can I drop? Let go? Not do? If I have to cut something out of this multi-tasking hell, what would I choose?
The thing I chose to drop was the FEAR. I have been filling up the other side of the balance scale with experiences where "nothing bad happened" because I ___________________. (X, Y, or Z) I lowered the "risk" of the "other foot" or shoe dropping... chose to do/not do things ON PURPOSE to "see what happened" - see if the world came crashing down... or if someone would come up and make fun of me for it... or if the cosmic punishment dropped down on my head. I picked things like housework....
If I DIDN'T do the dishes this morning - would anyone complain? Would I be smited by the other foot kicking me in the butt? NOPE. I just had dirty dishes to wash up later. NO ONE ELSE CARED... it was just ME and my internalized personal critic, abuser, and FEAR who created all the tension, worry, anxiety, FEAR and driven-ness to do these things. When I "experimented" with letting go the fear of doing/not doing... I discovered that there was a LOT more time and space in my life. When I set myself to for instance, cook slowly... decide what to eat, allow myself to move at a comfortable space (and allow others to participate)... and not make it about "doing it right or wrong"... it lowered the "risk" that fuels the fear.
Bunnies don't worry about nibbling leaves or hopping "correctly". They're not too worried about outside cats or other predators either... they just "hop away down the bunny hole" to safety. Oh - and I've seen bunnies defend themselves pretty well - those back legs are very strong! They can fight back.
I think you've "got it", GS. You're already "there". I'm gonna confirm that for you. But there's still the work of experimenting, putting into practice - actualizing - making real what you're starting to see very, very clearly. It's not a test. It's just bunny hops and practice.... and sometimes playing with other bunnies, too! No nasty "other foot" anymore.
((((((()))))))))
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Inward - feeling great hope, very strong
Outward - time will tell - looking for outward shifts that's the sign of real change
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Brilliant, GS!
Your detailed realization that self-sabotage in the past actually led to things being accomplished -- by someone else...and PR's response.
One thing I've absorbed from the Dave Ramsey classes (FPU) is that no matter where you are financially, there is a way up. It may be very slow, but this is about tortoises, not hares. The long view. Not tomorrow.
Another human being, to sit with you and look at the list of debts and needs--in all their glory--and help you "walk through" to a simple starting point (clearly not from your parents unless they are giving you a predictable monthly sum--and even then, you may kick in to an emotional place where you are determined to also find a way to generate your own stream even if it's tiny), sure might help. (There are trained DR facilitators/advisors who do this--but the classes themselves are the place to start.)
He described that once he had a system for climbing out identified (simple debt reduction steps that had nothing to with creditors' demands but ONLY to do with what he was capable of, with his CURRENT ACTUAL circumstances--which also involved an attitude of reality-based self protection, and a How to Answer Their Calls script) ... a huge weight was lifted away. (Before all this? He was bankrupt twice and had experienced every conceivable level of guilt, and of being hounded by creditors, terror for his family, shame, etc.)
He finally knew what to do. Knowing what steps to take, and IN WHAT ORDER, is such a relief to those who've been so disabled by anxiety (in my case, that plus ADD) that they didn't know they could still, always, make a plan.
His "baby steps" are brilliant, imo, because they simplify the whole "big picture" into pieces anyone, even me, can understand. My daughter went to the classes with me even while she was unemployed and had nothing financial happening except interest mounting on her debts. I believe it was empowering for her anyway, and might be for you too. There's comfort in the way he presents it all, zero shaming, and so many, many things to grab onto. It can be transformational, imo. We laugh a lot. It's not abstract. He makes it all utterly, utterly concrete, and with compassion.
And what a thing to show your son, that he doesn't need to grow up in fear of money or its lack. All that to say...if you visit www.daveramsey.com and click on Financial Peace University, then Find a Class, you'd never be alone with this again.
hugs
Hops
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I love Dave Ramsey. Great suggestion. I know there was a class in my town that started several months ago. I need to keep my eyes and ears open for another one. Great suggestion.
BTW - no monthly stipend. Iwas off their radar when I turned 23. they forgot to mention it to me and their parents provided my parents with wealth but none-the-less there was definitely no pass through. And I do know that they had NO obligation. Absolutely none. BUT, b/c they did not prepare me for a future explicitly and b/c they fought me tooth and sabotaged whenever I got a decent job, and because I ASSUMED (part of the legacy of "do not discuss" rule of the house) that there would be wealth that would materialize out of the blue for me (as did/does the community I live in) and b/c that is what happened to my piers who were hand-selected children of my parents piers - I ASSUMED that they would be a pass through for financial solvency. THAT is a HUGE psychological issue that I have been working on specifically for 15 years. Clearly no simple nut to crack.
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Another insight.
In a conversation with my mother yesterday she was being pitiful and helpless. I saw this a an attempt to draw me in to do for her what little she can still do for herself. But I knew that if I stepped in she would then use that as an opportunity to metaphorically step on my head. That has been her pattern with me in my adulthood - be pitiful, draw me in, become a dragon, refuse to tell me what I need to know to help, refuse my help and then blame me for the entire situation to her friends and family.
What is that pattern?
She is not an N, my father is, but she has been officially diagnosed as having N traits and she has NEVER had a mothering bone in her body. The closest thing to "mothering" is her "femine" pitifulness and helplessness.
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'morning!
To me, this sounds like the parentification role reversal: she comes on to you like a wheedling child... expecting you to meet her needs... and then when you try to, it's never "good enough". Sort of like a cruel game of "kick me". Not telling you how she wants "it" done... just another form of kick me.
What I've wondered a couple times about this aspect of your story, as you've told it, is why "how she wants it done" is so important? Was she an immaculate housekeeper? A gourmet chef? What about how GS wants to do it and GS's standards of "good enough"? What about GS's "I like it THIS way"?
Seems to me, that this is an alternative "way out" of playing her kick me game to simply saying no or ignoring her. And as to why she does this - well, sounds like she was married to a flaming N; this might just be "pecking order" - deflecting & sending it on down the chain... or it could be how she chooses to defend her own self identity - to confirm that she is important to others.
And I'm gonna go out on a limb here (you're welcome to tell me where to go) and also question the perception that you were totally "unprepared" and tossed into the deep end of the pool. You seem to me to be insightful, deep thinking, and even have the sort of dry humor that I so enjoy. You've learned lots of things - through experience or reading or self-reflection - all by yourself. I would question this perception about yourself - this part of your thinking about yourself - in the wider scope of life beyond your parents and their insulated society. Beyond their values; ways of "doing"; what they think is important. After all - look how they treated you! What's so attractive about that value system???
And while I hear clearly that you're not where you want to be - emotionally or in life - I'm also hearing you forming a clear picture of what matters to YOU and what you WANT. The "how-to" get there comes after you know that without a doubt yourself. And there are as many ways of how-to as there are individual people. What you've been through would completely sink a lot of people - but you aren't sunk. There's courage for you! You keep on going, trying - that's persistence and determination. As difficult as your journey has been, I've never heard a nasty word out of you - you've not "taken it out" on others, just to blow off steam and relieve the pressure of rage. I think you've got a lot of positive things working in your favor, about how & who you are. Time to list those and put them on the scale against the things you think you lack - I think the positives will out the negatives by a whole bunch!
What worked for your parents isn't necessarily what will work for you. I'm very glad that your path - the one that makes you who you are - is different. You have a great wealth of compassion - I think you might be able to spare some of this for yourself and still have plenty to share with others.
((((my friend))))
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Thank you so much for your thoughts PR. Where I'll tell you to go is right where you are. your thoughts and responses help me sort this mess.
What worked for your parents isn't necessarily what will work for you.
A truer statement could not be made.
This is the thing. I find myself toggling back and forth between my thoughts and perceptions as and adult and those from my childhood. As an adult it is perfectly clear that your statement is absolutely true. But the reason I go there is because as a child I could only see what they had as what I expected and wanted for myself. I could not see any "other". I am trying to get at the connective tissue to that child's perspective so that i can look for and find the strings binding the elephants foot that I once thought were heavy chains.
Your points about the section on feeling "unprepared" are most helpful.
I have been really struggling with the dichotomy or choice made clear through the dream where I am in my apartment and can chose to stay a Cinderella or servant to my sabotaging father/brother or to give up that longing for family/belonging and chose friends. It is like a vertical integration choice over friendship (horizontal) where thinks are tenuous and based on acceptable behavior , where relationships are accepted and rejected like currency in an open market.
I must find a way to see myself as prepared but the NOW is not the problem. I must find the right "energy" or "perspective" to do this as a child. It is the child who was dependant on survival. It was as the child that the extreme anxiety and immobility kicked in. So I think I can take what you have written and go back and see that what I longed for was not necessarily what I needed. I can formulate a craftiness that would allow me to srvive that childhood without getting sucked into their system. I am pretty sure I can do this becaue I find myself trying to teach such craftiness to my own child.
re: my mother. How she want things done has to do with things for her. She has no interest in things concerning me. About herself - every week people in our commnity comment to me about what a great person she is and how capable she is and what great things she accomplishes. (It's all illusion and that is not sour grapes on my part.) But when it comes to very simple things that she has done a million times she cannot do it. Things as simple as ordering flowers for a family whose adult son died on Sunday. (By the way, she has a personal friendship with her florist who has done work for her for decades.) She was not going to go to a club meeting on Tuesday at a friends house. Protocol requires that members call the hostess and regret. She NEVER does. I asked her to call the hostess (so I wouldn't feel embarrassed yet again.) Our group has a small yearbook/directory printed every single year. She said she would. Do you have her #? No I am in the car. How would I look it up? (She has known this woman and her mother for 40 or 50 years.) She knows how to do all of this but she wants me to do it all. It goes from this sniveling stuff to things important like health insurance. I certainly understand wanting help with insurance - it is a pain. But she (capable though she is) sloughs off the entire think and then refuses to give the necessary information to get it done. It is frustrating if I choose to get into it with her but I have chosen to put it backon her and not step into the "responsibility" trap that I was trained to do. Putting it back on her or doing only what she gives me the information to do and then stopping has been very successful for me. But the other stuff still needs processing because it all has triggers from the past when I felt so helpless. When I wanted so to please so that I coudl find a place in "family".
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OK - you just gave me idea. It's silly, nuts and crazy maybe... but what can it hurt to try it? Nothing.
What about... IF...
you helped the child-you write out or design the kind of family and friends she wanted? Even draw pictures for the story - even if it's only stick people! There are journals - I've seen these in art supply stores sometimes - that include lined pages with blank sheets for illustrations. Tell the story - from the child's perspective - of what she wanted then (and still does) and what she wanted to have for memories about that time in her life - now.
It doesn't have to take a lot of time. Just allow a small bit time a day - more if you have more time - but always try to tell the story from the child's voice about "the perfect family" for her. Make believe and fantasy - sure. But in the process, you might find those missing pieces you're looking for. No deadlines - no requirement that it be completed - no requirement that you HAVE to write every day - just something that you're working on - for you - as time allows.
As for your mom - I can SOOO relate! Infuriating, isn't it? No matter how much I want my mom to be a grown up and be able to take care of herself (oh, and maybe give a damn about me sometimes) she's just not able to. I think you've got the right approach - enforcing those boundaries and not just jumping to please her, on command - but yeah, there's still the issue of the of wishing that this time was different and that funny empty place with the wind whistling through it. That's when I have to do some little thing to comfort myself - either connecting with a "real" human being who's not like that or a cuppa tea and watching the birds... something... anything that reminds me I'm a whole person without pleasing her or meeting her needs.
Gotta run for today! We're beginning the process of moving my MIL in, with a trip back "home" next week and there's still lots to do between now and the day we leave. I will try to check in as much as I can, while I'm online, to see how this part of your "travels" are going! Hugs & smooches... you're going to be (already are, probably) just fine. It's the parents who have the real insoluable problem!
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Hi Ann,
your last statement - about what wouldn't we do to gain a real place in our family - hit me and richocheted into a question about families in general. Something to ponder on... as I don't have a definitive answer... and maybe my rambling will provide something helpful for GS, too.
The whole concept of "family" is pretty old, isn't it? The "Leave it to Beaver" image from TV; the Norman Rockwell - ization of family came to almost sanctify this concept and to hold up an ideal that most families (I believe) can't really match. But historically, it wasn't always that way. Young boys would be apprenticed out and leave home at 10 or 12... etc. And then, there's the idea that family is the "safest" place... the most enduring connections... and well, I guess we wouldn't be here online if that always held true. Biologically, of course, the purpose of a family is to provide the safety and protection and material needs of children until they can fend for themselves. But when is that? Does it vary? Due to the child him/herself? or society? or circumstances?
Sometimes I see this connection to family in terms of plants - some plants spread by sending roots & ryzhomes underground and new shoots grow from those. But sometimes, plants spread by seed - and the seeds can be blown along by the wind to find new areas of fertile soil, to germinate, sprout and begin to thrive... with absolutely no connection to family.
And then there's the tribe.... I've sometimes defined family for myself, as the "tribe" of friends in my life. They've often been more supportive and caring than my own family. It's not a "lesser-than" substitute, either. Time and distance don't seem to impact those relationships... for example, in the current facebook "reunion" of my 5th grade classmates. I hadn't seen or heard from these people since 1968.
I've "gypsied" around a lot in my life - lived a lot of different places and had different lifestyles. I've become something quite different (revert to type or hybridization??) where I've been "planted". And no, my family hasn't always "approved" or even accepted some of those different chapters in my life. They don't have to -
---- 'coz it's MY life and I'm the only one who gets to, has to, live it. So I also get to choose what matters, is valuable, is important, to me. If they disagree or don't understand - oh well!!!! To each his own. I don't understand my FOO, either, and the choices they make and how they choose to live. Not a requirement for being related; for having been born, I don't think.
Didn't see that on the birth certificate, you know?
Sorry for the ramble, GS... it's even incomplete... there's a wealth of stuff to ponder in what Ann in brings up.
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Hi GS,
I wrote a new post inspired by you, "Phamily".
It started as a reply to you, then I realized it might make a new topic.
love to you,
Hops
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able to get much done yesterday. Would like it to stretch it into a week of action.
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Through a series of dreams last night I tapped into the huge sense of being rejected and the feeling of desparation to get noticed and included with people who are considered friends and family. When I woke up I felt the heavy weight of that feeling of despair, the hopelessness of being left out. It is such a Cinderella feeling but from the 1st half of the story, where she is made to do all the drudgery. It is like being invited to a ball and once I arrive I am handed a bucket and mop. But the dream images find me doing things that are not me in order to be allowed in or to keep the contact.
I see so clearly how this attaches to my experience of life. It is painful and hopeless. I am so isolated, right out in the crowd. And yet right now I feel some of the burden lifted. I don't know what that is about. But I will hold on to it as long as possible.
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Hi there...
I was reading yesterday's post and wanted to tell you that it's OK if you don't get as much done, as you set out to do... it will be there later... but you can celebrate - always - the bit you did accomplish, right? Enjoy that bit of satisfaction for what you did choose to do.
But you just posted about your dream, too. I think the lifting you feel, is you turning loose the idea that only YOU are the one responsible for the Cinderella drudgery; that you can dress, and dance, and play too - just like everyone else. The "Cinderella" role isn't who you ARE; and you can choose not to partake of that role - for an hour, a day, a week. I mean, what's the worst that can happen if you walk away from the tasks & to-do list today and enjoy the sunshine and warmer weather? Doesn't mean you're a slacker, does it? It does completely describe YOU; the tasks are just tasks. If I leave the house today and don't wash the coffee cups - the worst that will happen is that I'll come home in a few days and have dirty cups in the dishwasher or sink; so what's different than any other day? Doesn't make me the world's worst housekeeper (I hope!!).
One trick I guess you'd call it, that I use on myself sometimes - is to satisfy that craving to "enjoy" myself FIRST - before starting a task that I don't want to deal with. Put the reward up front and then, it seems easier to "pay up" with what I agreed with myself I'd do, in exchange for being able to take some time to enjoy myself. Doesn't have to be big or an all-day shirking of "responsibility" (that can cause a guilt response for me that sinks me even deeper into "cinderella"). I sorta have to work up to that all-day-off mode... even with no kids to care for; no job to go to... still. I keep chipping away at this and it is getting better.
It will get better for you too! You'll find the way - look at far you've already come! :D
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Thanks PR.
I think shifting into a sense of appreciating how much I have accomplished will help alleviate the self-criticism. That is a great suggestion - celebrate what is done. I can do that.
The issue about house tasks is unfortunately more than a dirty coffee cup. It is much closer to the homes of Hoarders with the primary difference that I don't bring stuff in but to say it is sluttered is not even close. It is somewhere in between. The state of the house is quite simply disgusting. I won't allow anyone to come over. It is really gross. But the issues are not simple they run very, very deep and are difficult to get at.
In fact, yesterday my gas was turned off. I can't possibly get it turned back on. the bill is way too large. I no longer need the heat and I can manage to do without hot water but I have to find a way to get a stove and oven. But to tell the truth, a whole new electric oven can be had for less than the gas bill. I'll have to do something until I can get the gas paid. I have until next winter. It is definitely more important that i keep the electricity and phone on while I find an income source.
Meanwhile I must still work through this psychological stuff ....
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You are extremely courageous, GS.
Thank you for sharing this with us, the true state.
I am so proud of you for writing that. I am glad every time I see you state more detail.
What would be the worst that could happen if you went to a local social services counselor and said, after getting his/her commitment to confidentiality:
I am educated, raised in a privileged family, but I have no resources. I need help. I am not a hoarder but I am psychologically disabled. I literally can't clean my house. Would you be willing to guide me to any resource that could help me tackle this? I have been so ashamed that I haven't realized before that it's okay to ask for help. I am not able to pay for services but once my home is clean and safe, I would be volunteer. One day, I will have resources I can use to give back. I need help. I need it more than I need to hide my secret any more.
love to you,
Hops
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That's a great suggestion Hops. The big problem is that I can't qualify for help because I am behind in filing my taxes. It is such a huge snowball. There is so much more mess all knotted in. It is just a huge mess. I am working towards a solution but it often feels like a chicken or the egg / double-bind. So i just keep me head believing that there is a way out - however slow.
But it is a great help to be able to have a place to write about it all. It helps me feel connected to the human race
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oh yes - ADD is me.
A few years ago I took adderall. It helped in many ways.
I could definitely use some help but I will wait until I have some money for that.
Meanwhile I am working on a couple of projects that I hope will pay something out.
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I feel strained in too many ways with little help on the horizon.
My little child is struggling in a number of ways. He is being taunted and minimized by a classmate who unfortunately he would like to befriend. This little boy denies everything that my child is proud of and he gets other children to go along with his minimizing. Last week this boy was ridiculing my child for dropping out of football last fall, taunting him by saying that he dropped out for piano - implying that he is a wimp. The truth was that the coach was an utter jerk and screamed and yelled at little boys, made clear favorites and had expectations way beyond 3rd grade ability. It was a nightmare. I had hoped that sports would be a fun opportunity to learn how to play the games but unfortunately not so - it is all about performance even on the 3rd grade level.
To add to this problem my child has terrible insomnia, he continues to suffer from functional constipation but he is also resistant to eating correctly. In fact, eating is another issue. He is a very picky eater. It is so difficult to plan and prepare meals that he will eat. I feel absurdly defeated about the whole thing. Now throw in the lack of stove, I have to plan things that are cold or microwavable.
Then there is the long struggle about the mess my hosue is in. There are so many aspects to this. Last night I caught the tale end of Hoarding - Buried Alive on TLC and (I love that show) I was so cheered by what a difference was made in these folks homes over a period of time. I would give anything to have that kind of help. My home is not even close to having the same issue so I know that with help I could tackle my problem in a matter of days rather than months. But I do need help.
The whole issue of needing help and being so isolated are issues with very deep psychological roots.
And of course work and financial issues are yet another.
Not having an income or enough money to take care of necessities is such a huge ball of wax that I can't even begin to unravel hear.
I have been working with a couple of people on developing a couple of projects but it has been very, very slow unraveling and I am not sure I can wait it out. I have two business ideas that I have been nursing for some time but without question i need help in bringing them to life. But that goes back to the needing help/isolation issue.
It is a huge ball of twisted yarn. And while I do have a strategy out, it is difficult for me to keep to my strategy because I continue to feel battered by daily life. Without question the way out is to stick to my strategy and continue to look for the light and focus on that light. Focus and refocus when distracted.
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Strength,
My sense, in your posts, is that you have so many things in your life that feel out of control that you dont know where to start. I wonder if it would help to just pick one? And not beat yourself up over the fact that you cant do them all?
It seems that almost all of them could be improved by just having some money. Have you thought about getting a job and then working on your projects in your off time? I have a lot of women that work for me at one time or another--some are young, some are older. Many of them are not looking for a permanent position but rather a place to get on their feet. I am very proud of the fact that I have a restaurant that gives them a safe place to do that.
Restaurant work is a good place for someone like you who just needs to walk into a job with good pay and flexible hours. You could work part time as a waitress and make enough to keep you and your son afloat until you can get your feet under you. Some restaurant jobs have an incredible tip rate. Others less so, but maybe less pressure. You dont have to wait for the perfect situation, you could start making your bills now and use the relief that you feel to catapult you into the next thing you need to do.
CB
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I have been cleaning this morning. It is ridiculously difficult.
It brings up a level of perfectionism and I can tie it to the double binds of my childhood.
I recognize how much discomfort was given to me as a child bound up in a profound desire to please a man who did not want to be pleased. He took some kind of perverse pleasure in making sure that I did not succeed in any endeavor.
As I clean I am acutely aware of how he did this.
As I approached a goal - any goal - he would up the ante.
If I chose to do something or was told to do something, regardless of how well I did it, there was something about it that was not acceptable and was worthy of criticism. And criticism would be the only response that I got - no acknowledgement of any portion well done. This whole pattern went to the everyday things. The pattern becomes clearer and clearer. I am working on this to make it from the intellectual understanding down to the emotional shift.
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Hi GS,
I could not agree more with CB on this:
You dont have to wait for the perfect situation, you could start making your bills now
When I took my little middleclass self in to apply for an hourly wage job in a flower shop, it was so liberating. I didn't care who came in the store and I didn't feel "ashamed" -- I felt HAPPY. I hope you can hear this advice from CB...go get a job.
Something about strategizing and fantasizing about access to the family wealth is feeding your paralysis, I think.
And the suggestion about going to Social Services and asking for help, or going to a local ADD specialist...you did (I am pointing out with love)...skeedaddle sideways with murmurings of "that'll have to wait for money to appear" and "I have business projects that might work out"...
Hon, when I started my low-dose generic Ritalin (which costs virtually zip) I was immediately changed, in terms of focus. That strikes me as something NOT to put off until these vague financial things somehow manifest.
I think you DO need help and one help I/we can offer is to urge you to GO GET IT.
I imagine the feelings of embarrassment and shame are really an obstacle. But I still urge you to go in there, even to a preliminary "consultation" with an ADD specialist. It can save you. Really save you. To get on Rx, AND to have actual physical help to deal with your house.
Even without the lights on, it's spring now...that space can be cleaned up so you can think better. And with the right medication, you might then be able to KEEP it that way, and serenity and sanity would be welcome in your life, and you could begin to carve out your own future.
love love love to you (and forgive the "push" -- I hope it is gentle),
Hops
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PS--I'm sounding really bossy today.
Very wired up re. deadlines and my D...so take me with a hug and shaker of salt!
(gotta go tell NLAS the same...)
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so take me with a hug and shaker of salt!
always take you with a hug
"Something about strategizing and fantasizing about access to the family wealth is feeding your paralysis, I think."
actually I have no fantasy or expectation about having access to anybody's wealth.
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I'm sorry. The thing about your parents' unpredictable financial assistance, how/when it works, is opaque to me.
Pretty unreliable, clearly, so it makes good sense you're not expecting that to be a solution. I know it's maddening.
I'm sorry for assuming wrongly. I am very jittery and don't quite trust my own impatience today...I am probably projecting on others the impatience I'm feeling with MYSELF. Thanks for being a safe person to make a mistake with.
I do hope you won't delay asking for help. And thanks for the hug.
lots of love,
Hops
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Strength,
The inner struggle you describe seems very familiar to me. That inner critic can yell so loudly that you can hardly force yourself to try. Your first critic (your father?) is gone now. That voice in your ear is not his, it is your own inner critic. You have power over this one. You were a child once and you had no power. But you are a woman now--a strong, capable woman. That strong voice in your head is the voice of YOUR OWN strength. Use it to get where you want to go.
What did you think of my idea about the job? Does that seem doable? Does your inner critic drown out the possibility? Can we help you tap into the positive energy that can move you forward?
Love
CB
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CB - thank you. I do hear you.
There is a subtle shift to get from where I am to what you are suggesting.
I am really close.
My psychologist introduced me to the phrase 'learned helplessness" some years ago.
It has never been an easy concept to grasp but I am getting closer.
I had to be helpless in order to fit within my father's framework.
I didn't know it then and it has been difficult for me to recognize it even in recent times.
going to work it out.
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Strength,
The shift will come. You have already come so far. I am going to love watching it.
Love
CB
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Hi sweetie... I'm back and starting to recover from the trip. Just read what I missed while without the 'net.
I'm gonna come back and say some more, but for now, only 1 thing comes up immediately that might help you with you tangled paralysis.
The thing about hoarding; about seeing the mess (and problems) and not knowing where to start - not feeling like you even CAN - because there is another feeling blocking you from actually doing it... I just felt this while we were back in our old garage. One side of it is "my junk" - art books, gardening tools & supplies, old pots, frames I thought I might use... paint that needs to be thrown away. Only 1 book connected with me that said "take me home". Everything else was stuff that I could safely say "I don't want" and I felt like I could just walk away from it. Except that, oh... I always liked that pot... and there's my scissors for cutting flowers... and which rake did I want to take with me? Those thoughts would be followed by why did I even think I was ever going to paint out here? Why did I keep that? What on earth did we save that for???
My struggles with hubby about the stacks of magazines and papers; his "collections" of toys and gadgets... he can't go deal with them by himself. He requires my presence. So he can tell me the story of one his "treasures" - where it came from, when he got it, what he did at that time. He might have 5 of the same kinds of gadgets; sometimes 25... that he "might need someday". So my role is to help him negotiate with himself - you can keep some of them; how many would you like to keep? where are you going to put them? Can we throw these away? After a little time and repetition of this process, he is able to continue independently negotiating with himself. This where you simply need SOMEONE to help you start, GS... they don't have the same emotional issues with the stuff and can help you "get started" in the process.
I think perhaps the same thing would apply to the financial issues. I'm gonna go out on a limb here and suggest that there is help like this out there - maybe a local community college? Often they'll have outreach training programs with grants available. There may also be other resources. The wisdom of CB's suggestion to simply "get a job" is in the fact that there is a lower risk involved for you, less responsibility (and stress) overall, and also that payday comes on a regular, predictable basis - you'll know how much money you have to work with. Less predictable, when you're dependent on tips - but to give you an idea and hope, my D using to waitress in a fine dining establishment and during holidays would often bring home $200/$300 A NIGHT in tips. She's bartending now, in a big city and still able to make that for a day's work. But those kinds of tips are feast/famine... and scary, simply because they're unpredictable. A decent base salary makes all the difference in the world. And that's very hard to predict and rely on in one's own business... as a partner or sole proprietor. I think you need predictability, regular hours, a set schedule.
Last bit, so far... MIL was packing stuff to bring back and making decisions about "bring - keep & bring later - toss". She brought me to tears, pulling out of her trunk (I have one like it): handmade baby clothes that she'd made for her children, nightgowns she wore when was first married, her wedding dress. She kept asking what she should do with them? They were of no use to anyone and it was just stuff people would have to throw out when she was dead and gone (practical, she is). She even has a quilt to match mine - only it's never been used and is in pristine condition - that was made for her 50+ years ago.
Well. I've had this realization in glimpses with hubby before, going through his stuff. I got "stopped" in the garage, with the same realization about my own stuff - and couldn't avoid, escape or run away from MIL's question about her own treasure chest. Those baby clothes, her wedding dress were all parts of "who she is" - and I told her: you don't have to give them away. Keep them. Decide later. Other people WILL want them - the baby clothes I've kept were made for me - and each embroidery stitch represents love - that someone would take the time, make the effort to do such work for ME. It's like physical proof.
The stuff in the garage? Well, some of that relates to an on-going discussion (my own paralysis) I'm having with myself about whether I can/want to let "part of me" go. It is difficult. Even with my D along with me - I couldn't begin the process of deciding "bring - keep & bring later - toss". It's very tempting to me... to simply deal with the emotional side of this - but that's a long, labyrinthine process - and it's one of the ways I avoid things. None of the "stuff" (or very little of it) has any real, monetary value. It's only value is in what it represents about me, my past, my self-image from my past... and old dreams. Should I choose to spend much time producing art again - I can always buy new (and really, probably should). Perhaps simply tossing all that stuff will help me finally "let go" the idea of that old "false image" of myself as "An ARTIST" and finally free myself to create again...
... perhaps there's some bad juju in the physical "things" and being REMINDED by them keeps me trapped in that spell of paralysis? Just like there's some GOOD in the things that were made for me... and the things my MIL made for her kids.
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Another layer has been revealed to me.
Abandonment
This was revealed to me suddenly as though a seed pod bursting in ripeness.
My parents desired children only as a means to fit a norm.
There was no love and no love lost very the first day.
My mother (unlike my father in the first years) never participated as a mother even from the beginning.
She was always like a teenager left in charge of the hired help who "monitored" the infants and children.
I remember trying to engage her in mothering (educational rather than nurturing) at different ages - to no avail.
At 8 I tried to engage her about the purpose of tampax. She said she would discuss it when I was a teenager. She never did.
At 10 I brought up the subject of shaving my legs. She threw arrows at me about some shortcoming of mine and left the room.
I have not one memory of my mother participating in an activity with me.
She was wealthy and had hired help. Two people to work inside the home daily and one to work outside and drive her car.
Even they were not hired to interact with us.
At a young age, I counted the years until the end of my prison sentence under her dominance. As high school approached I worked tirelessly to get to a boarding school - to no avail. To this day I don't know why my parents refused - the money, the need to dominate - I don't know. It wasn't a concern about the boarding school culture. Both of my parents and my brothers all attended elite boarding school.
I was so unaware of my mother's abandonment simply because she never engaged.
I recall, as an adult, my mother crying because she felt abandoned by my father with 3 children. The laughable part of that is that my father is the only parent who engaged us at all. Plus as I have mentioned - my mother had more help than anyone else I knew. She never had to prepare any meal other than breakfast. she never even drove for carpool. Her only inconvenience was buying groceries.
My father's abandoment is much more complicated.
I hope to have time later to write more about this.
His abandonment led to a profound sense of rejection and frantic hamster wheel spinning to avoid rejection only to be met with more rejection.
rejection
No time to complete this important section.
Rejection is the major issue fueling the hampster wheel that undermines all hope and all progress.
I enter into life each and every day supressing the fear and expectation of rejection on an unconscious level.
Ever vigilant for signs of rejection. Focusing on the very thing that is devastating and always finding it.
I am wondering what kind of shift I can make by focusing on acceptance.
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I am wondering what kind of shift I can make by focusing on acceptance.
Wow. GS. Starting with your own.
(Hoo-ahh! to everything Ann said.)
love
Hops
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Well! I see you're getting right into that piece of the onion that one finds in the center - the one without layers. It's the most pungent part; most intense. I like onion, so I usually chop that section up & toss the center into whatever I'm "cooking" anyway; some people toss it out - i.e., reject it.
Acceptance and rejection are yin/yang - the flip side of each other. I think you'll find now, that the choice of what to accept - and also what to reject - is completely yours: in regards to just about everything. Ann's post about Traumatic Bonding is apropos; I realized in my own process that when I'd discovered that my mom's version of "love" and "caring" was toxic for me... and that it was responsible for my pattern of keeping people at arm's length and hiding my emotions (even from myself)... I realized that I could reject that whole loop; that it was only my acceptance of this toxic process that kept me trapped in it.
It wasn't something that "was being done to me"; I was doing it to myself. That I could accept - and work with - throughout my whole "undo" process/practice. It was EASY at that point, to change lots of old patterns, routines... tho' it still requires maintenance to keep from slipping back again. Old habits are still the toughest...
That said, I know this is hard, cold, dark space. I'll be around this week... and send my love to my friend, as you go through the processing of all this. Soon you'll be through with the onion and IT'S OK to ask for help, whine, rant, kick & scream... or need a hug and someone to hold your hand and stroke your hair... until you're completely done.
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HELLO! :: waving::
Are you OK? Just checking in, to see where you are today... and maybe gab a little bit about things.
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Hi GS,
This compassionate article and many of the letters below it might help you feel a bit less alone:
http://www.salon.com/entertainment/tv/hoarding/index.html?story=/ent/tv/heather_havrilesky/2010/04/10/am_i_a_hoarder (http://www.salon.com/entertainment/tv/hoarding/index.html?story=/ent/tv/heather_havrilesky/2010/04/10/am_i_a_hoarder)
love to you,
Hops
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' morning!
How are you? I'm imagining that you've opened up a river of energy & focus that is carrying you through all your immediate goals, and that while you may be physically tired, you're getting a respectable amount of "foundational" grounding - a platform or plateau - for the next step. Leastwise, that's what I'm hoping for you!
hugs,
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How kind of you all to keep my thread floating.
I am working in "the shift", moving out of where I have always been and into a place where I want to be.
Finding significant connection with things I have long been aware of but not until recently able to connect to my dysfunction.
Paralysis due to significant, chronic criticism. When I made mistakes as a child my parents first issued harsh, belittling, castigating punishment and then took over the task.
A bad combination.
Now errors induce shame and paralysis waiting for authority to come in and take over.
Now that I have the connection, I am learning to overwrite the lifelong patterns that shut down.
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OH FABULOUS! Thanks for the update! I was beginning to worry about you.
You really DO have it sorted, processed & understood... and I'm so happy for you! Now, I'm hoping you can notice all the times that you overcome the pattern instinctively. That's a bit of solid ground that you can extend and build out in so many areas of your life.
Some areas will be harder than others; granted. I think that's due to strategies that worked very well once upon a time... and that past success makes one less eager to "overthrow" the strategy and try something else instead. At least, that's what I've learned about me. I'm gonna guess that while you've been sussing out all this complex stuff - on some other level you've gained enough strength to breeze through most of the obstacles that even recently, have seemed impossible to even confront.
Me; I'm still a "chicken" so I've worked at the easier things or things I couldn't avoid, first. I'm trying to find the inner strength or courage or confidence to work at my biggest "bete noirs". And one of the hardest, is to find ways to celebrate my successes... to reward myself for my efforts. But I think that's a very important piece of the equation, when trying to overwrite the old patterns, strategies, habits.... and trying to find the new ones that actually work for ourselves.
I'll be interested to hear how you approach your "overwriting". Do share once you see a process developing!
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feeling incredibly voiceless.
Over the past few days, what I have said has not been understood by several people.
It has been a terrible, terrible set back.
Very, very isolated and lonely. Just worn out. Hard to shift out of hopelessness.
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GS,
What are you listening to?
In what way have you been misunderstood?
Do you mind sharing:
--what you tried to say to someone
--what that someone said back that made you feel you had been misunderstood
And now, what are you listening to?
If you have been misunderstood, what does that say about you? What does it not say?
If you said something that could have been clearer, what does that say about you? What does it not say?
If you have been misunderstood, what are the choices you can make?
What are your choices in this situation?
What size do you want it to have? Is it okay for it to become smaller?
If you need to hold it for a while, can you shrink it to fit in your hand?
How heavy is it? Does it get lighter if you sit in the sun? Does it shrink and begin to dry a little with exposure to UV? How about water? After it's dried in the sun a while, what happens if you go find a creek or lake? If you put your hand in the water, then, will it crumble some? If it doesn't dissolve completely, can you tuck it at the edge, under the water and come back and check on it tomorrow, see if it's degraded more?
What is the most familiar thing about this?
love,
Hops
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oh.... HON.
If you were misunderstood - try explaining again. That's always an option.
If I've misunderstood - please correct my understanding. I'll listen harder and more openly.
And if it was "one of those things" that happen in daily life... just going about your day... where someone didn't understand at all and you felt not heard - voiceless - know that it does happen; frequently. Even between people who haven't lived through the kinds of things you have. I've struggled with communication for some time - saying things the "right way" and even hearing what others say without layering on "old stuff" and changing the meaning/color of words said into a repeat of old wounds. It's very much a work in progress for me - still.
I think it's incredibly difficult to talk about emotions or the healing process sometimes - emotions don't always have specific words because sometimes it's a whirled up blend of more than one or we never learned which words will initiate the response to our needs that we're really looking for - yet it's so very human to TRY anyway. And it's so very frustrating and hurtful - excruciatingly so - when the words we can find provoke the wrong or an undesired result. The healing process can be happening on a number of different levels - all at once - that swirly, fuzzy, place - and be happening so fast sometimes that we can't separate out all the "moving parts" in a way that makes sense to others. When that happens to me, I describe something as being "incoherent" until I can take the time to let the dust settle, have a chance to reflect and work through things slowly and look at it from a lot of different angles.
I don't know if that's helpful. Like Hops... I need to ask you to explain what happened; I need more info so I can be sure I'm hearing what you're trying to say... if you're ready to share.
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Talked with my therapist this morning.
Continue to get closer to the core.
As child - set up to fail.
Mistakes meant harsh criticism and belittlement iin front of whole family.
Target for harsh jokes.
Punished if reacted. Punished if cried. Punished if angry.
Not allowed to take cover or seek refuge.
If I made a mess or made a mistake, humiliated when attempting to fix or correct.
No mistakes or errors allowed to be forgotten.
Ridicule and humiliation heaped on when moving forward.
Minor example - spilt milk
hounded, belittled, called names, humiliated, sent to the kitchen
for years afterward the incident would be recalled and the humilation would be repeated and the harsh excoriation if reacted
Every child needs help.
When I needed help or struggled, that was an opportunity for more put downs and ridicule.
My father allowed my brothers to participate. My mother never intervened.
I was repeatedly told that I deserved what I got.
My role was that of a hired servant only I did not receive pay.
I was more of an indentured servant.
Resources not provided to perform duties and then punished because duties not performed.
I sat by hoping to receive crumb drops at the table believing that if I asked the right question or wore the right dress or sang the right song that my crumb would increase. Never able see how to get out from under the servitude. Waiting permission. Learned helplessness.
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Hops and PR.
Thank you for your posts.
The "voicelessness" was an experience that I had in 3D world.
It is complicated but worth writing out because it will help me sort it out.
It will take time so I will come back later when I have a longer period to think it through.
Thank you both for asking.
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just hear Mary Chapin Carpenter talk about getting over a terrible illness.
she credited loving friends and supportiv family.
Wondering how those of us without get past.
Wondering about God who seems to allow some people to live without family and friends who care.
Wondering what kind of God that is.
Tired and still struggling
Working daily to transform the dark, dark pain and fear instill in me at such a young age.
Digging deeper still, finding great pain and rejection.
Finding such wretched torment and seeing an expectation of such built in.
Very angry, very very angry.
Tired of the extreme struggle and the utter loneliness.
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(((((((((((((GS))))))))))))))
How can we help you get unstuck?
Is there any new action you could take?
with love,
Hops
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Tired and still struggling
Working daily to transform the dark, dark pain and fear instill in me at such a young age.
Digging deeper still, finding great pain and rejection.
Finding such wretched torment and seeing an expectation of such built in.
Very angry, very very angry.
Tired of the extreme struggle and the utter loneliness.
Sweet GS:
This is the point, where more isn't really better - it's just more of the same. You know, where it's the same reason, same brick wall, and the same head beating against it hoping for a different result (relief, comfort, and freedom) from what has - and will always - cause pain. The pain is so excruciatingly real it blots out everything else - like a black hole.
The value of going into the pain, and allowing yourself to really, really feel it is high at the beginning, because it's a way to reclaim a part of your SELF... to grieve and mourn for the very real, significant loss. That value decreases over time, though - eventually you know all there is or that you need to know about that situation, event, feeling, or part of your life. This is a really good tool to use at the beginning of the journey and it takes immense courage and strength to wield this tool. You've mastered it.
Sometimes, one doesn't notice the diminishing returns from a tool or technique. It's always worked in the past, right? So we believe in the power of it and turn to it again and again... but the breakthroughs are smaller or not sufficient or don't fit the different needs of "right now". And so naturally, you're finding this lonlier and feeling more bereft than before - and that becomes an additional source of pain. Maybe it's time to try something DIFFERENT.
I want to suggest something (just a bit) DIFFERENT for you to try.
Each time an old pain comes up for you, take just a few minutes of "time out". Talk to the old pain in the same wise, loving mom-way you talk to your son, when he's frightened, confused, or in pain himself. Soothe the old pain until it drains away with hugs, love, kindness and understanding. Some things might take longer - but each time, always "be there" with the same love - and soon it won't take so long. Give the old pain your full attention during the time out - not in the re-experiencing or reliving of it - but in providing the acceptance, love and caring you needed "once upon a time" NOW.
Doing this, you acknowledge the pain - it's truly real and a part of you - and you respond with the response that it truly deserves (and deserved then, too!!) and you can dissolve the obstacle that the pain itself has become (albeit, it's still a slow process - but relief and comfort are REAL too and have a magical way of accumulating and growing at a faster rate) with the love that exists NOW. It's important in this way of working, to limit the amount of time that you give to it and to do absolutely nothing else while you are doing it. If it seems to be hungry for more time than you've allotted - well, it's up to you; you get to decide how much time you have to give for each occurrance. After a while, you can even negotiate with the pain-body or pain-being-you... sorry, I have to "do this" other thing now; how about we get together at 2? I promise! (and from experience, I can tell you, you'd better keep your promise!!)
I hope I've explained this well enough and haven't left anything important out. I learned to do this, before I remembered that I already knew how to do this - and did it while I was in the "shunned" black hole, so many years ago. Like you've expressed, I was completely exhausted, felt like I was out of options, felt like God - and love, light and comfort - were so far beyond my reach that everything good was being sucked into a black hole vortex so powerful that soon everything would cease to exist. I think it's what people call a "turning point"... where something in our perception, emotions, the very fiber of our being turns away from the pain and darkness toward the light, like a plant leaning away from shade toward the sun.
It's just a law of nature, I think, that we do this. Much love to you sweetie!!
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Hops, thank you. I am really not so stuck as it is an up and down process. I do tend to bring my down stuff here because i don't have anywhere else to bring it and I need to share it somewhere. I am definitely in a down mode and it is frustrating but I also find some more STUFF in this place.
thanks for you inquiry - more later.
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I think I am going about this in a manner that will result in change, real change.
This process is slow, no doubt and that in of itself is problematic.
I was seeing something that happened early in my life and saw its connection to my present struggle.
I firmly believe in making a neurological shift.
I see that I developed an anxiety and expectation of ridicule from an early age because I received such as a norm.
It has taken me many years to understand where this came from.
It took me many years to be able to recognize that my parents and my family were horrendously hostile toward me and sabotaged me repeatedly. It was all done "in my best interest." And when I challeneged it, I was belittled for that.
I can write the same thing over and over but there are no words that can convey the damage and pain from having a family that not only did not have my best interest in mind. But getting this out is an important part of the healing process for me. Having a family deny my experience has done indescribable harm. It left me expecting my voice to not be heard and if heard not respected. It left me in a defensive position for life, expecting a fight, expecting hurdles to be put up for all my choices. Now I have to shift that expectation after a life-time. It means a shift inneurofunction out of a persistent, generalized anxiety.
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When I was young I did not realize how fear based my existance was.
I was unaware of how afraid of my father I was in large part because I longed to connect with him.
Of my two parents, he was the only one who did anything with me or who paid me any attention.
I did not realize that his attention was out of his bizarre sense of duty rather than out of love.
I would have done anything to be included or to get his attention.
I went to extraordinary efforts to do things that I thought were important to him.
I was completely unaware of the dynamics I was caught up in.
The residual anxiety has been with me my entire life.
It follows me and has unconsciously attached to everything around me.
That fear of being excluded and turned on finally has a connection for me.
Now I hope, that connection having been made, that I can use Schwartz' 4 steps to retrain my brain and focus on what positive is happening rather than the negative.
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Hi sweet (((((((((((GS)))))))))))).
Hugs from me and my ghost furry B.
I was thinking. Do you suppose neurological reprogramming can also be accomplished by adding some indirect approaches?
(Note, please: This is not a criticism. An observation, or better put, a query, since I could be reading it wrong.)
I sometimes sense that you might be approaching your history and pain incredibly frontally. And indeed that has probably brought you very far.
But I wonder if medication for GAD (I needed it for years, and what a change it made enabling me to shift my comfort zone a bit) -- would permit you to try some new actions, such as seeking group support, asking for help from others in 3-D, etc., rather than as many hours of thoughts or rumination, about it all?
Not as a REPLACEMENT for deep thinking, but as a BALANCE to it.
BTW, when I first went on my mild dose of generic ADD Rx, I feared anxiety symptoms (my panic attacks were legion for a couple decades). I specifically asked my MD if, should those sympoms occur, there was any contraindication to take a mild muscle relaxant (diazepam) during my adaptation to the ADD Rx. And he said, none whatsoever, and he was right. I took a LITTLE anti-anxiety Rx, started the ADD Rx, and soon dropped the former and halved the latter.
And I have been TREMENDOUSLY helped by this appropriate Rx support. May not use it always and I am content to change things later.
But when I hear your fear, your quivering, and feel your white-hot pain...I wonder why you should not have the same kind assistance? To help you begin befriending your outer world, and your human community needs, while you continue to do this heroic work on your inner world?
love,
Hops
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Thanks for your suggestion Hops.
I have taken anti-anxiety at times in recent years and find it helpful when the anxiety is at its worse.
What I am going through now is uncovering the deepest pain that began so long ago.
This is important work for me.
I come here to post because it is a safe place and because I believe that this is all related to the N experience in my life.
In writing about my work, I find that I am able to uncover more and more.
I have lived with fear my entire life but only very recently recognized that.
I do remember using the phrase, "waiting for the other shoe to drop" for several years,
but I was not then able to relate it to the anticipation of my father's harsh belittlement.
Now that I have made that connection, I can use my techniques to reprocess this.
For me, the key is bringing this stuff that has been conceal in my unconscious into my active understanding.
The fear was instilled by constant criticism and the unconscious expectation of that criticism.
Many years ago, while in college I read a philosophical piece that referred to a PanOpticon.
The PanOptican was used to instill in prisoners the possibility of constant surveillance.
When I read that I connected immediately - even though I did not understand why.
But the connection came from that experience that rebuke was lurking around the corner only which corner would it be?
Ever vigilant.
Ever expecting the disempowering move.
Now that I am aware of this I can "reattribute".
Using Schwartz' 44 steps and EFT and visualization of what I want.
The combination will bring about the desired results.
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I have unlocked yet another very important piece of the puzzle.
My father actually longed for me to fail.
I hear his voice telling me, "You deserved that." and "You get what you deserve."
Meaning that I deserved failure.
I have lived in this doublebind of feeling expected to do well and knowing that being successful would bring his rath.
I look back at the things that I was successful at and he either did not respond at all or picked out and highlighted every single minor flaw. He was racked with perfectionism and used that to tear down each and every step along my path.
Much of my anticipatory anxiety is the fear and expectation that I will fail with each and every task at hand. That has lead me to the paralysis. Now that I know that I know I can fight it.
Today I am moving forward, not out of fear but out of hope.
I dedicate my move forward to my son and to my beloved dog Paros.
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I am glad you post what you need to, GS. I think sometimes questions must be a distraction and I'm a barrel of them. No worries if you answer or not, that's your right to choose.
Wow. Your father must've grown up feeling absolutely worthless, to project that so intensely onto his own child.
Do you know anything about how his brain was programmed? I'm imagining really vicious grandparents, or twisted hellfire preaching, or both.
Doggie?
hugs
Hops
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Strength,
I hope you will post more about what you are feeling...this hits close to home. I have reacted differently than you--I tend to be hyper achieving until I crash in utter exhaustion. Which I did today. Only took me three years :(.
Anyway, I hope you will share your insights...I am working on my demons from a different angle than you--I will share what I learn if it turns out to be helpful.
Hang in there.
CB
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Hops - your questions give my fight life. Your questions are questions that Imust ask myself and have an answer. It is through the questioning that I am able to get deeper to the core. I am forever greatful for your prodding and your sharing. It makes me feel alive.
My father's parents were not kind people. They were very formal, especially my grandmother.
My father told my brothers about a time when he was a young child and his father had been away. His mother took him to the train station to pick up his father. As a child child is wont, he asked with glee, "What did you bring me?" and his father replied with muffled rage. "I brought you nothing! You are an ungreatful child and you will never receive from me again."
Trouble is, my father told that story as a learning tool, seeing nothing wrong with his father's retort.
As you might imagine there are more stories like that which my father thinks noble.
CB - thank you for your comments. I admire your work ethic and pray that I am moving right into that same attitude. I am sorry that you have crashed at long last. But I am very interested in reading what you are uncovering in your own work. This place of sharing has such healing potential.
I am not stagnant but just slow.
Thank you both for your words.
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((((GainingStrength))))
Wishing you strength and insight as you go through this. Worn
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It's hard for me to remember that you are fearful, when I keep seeing so much strength and courage. It's a contradiction for me, but I do know (from experience) that great fear can co-exist with the possibility and resources to overcome it. However you choose to overcome it, I know that you are only one thought, feeling or moment away from total success.
Perhaps my suggestion to "turn away" from the darkness of the past and try something else was premature. I do know that it can seem like a very large leap until the time is absolutely "right" for the person involved. In hindsight, this "event" or step in the work seems simple, so small it could be missed... yet so "logical"; so commonsense. And maybe it's possible for this to happen at the same time as your current working process - I don't know. I hope my suggestion didn't offend!
I do know, that the one thing that seems to be missing in all your descriptions of your experience, the doublebinds, etc. is that moment of celebrating a success, the hug of pride from a parent in a job well done - and consolation and encouragement for a good effort that "just missed" the goal. And I do know, that it's possible to do this for ourselves - no matter the old taboos, fears and patterns. This all by itself, can start to scrumble that brick wall one beats head on.
"Nothing bad will happen", if you try it - maybe you won't see anything "good" immediately, either ! :D But the important thing, is that nothing bad - no other shoe will drop - if you try it. It's like trying a new shade of lipstick...
((((((((((GS))))))))))))
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Oh yes PR. What a good point. So odd - it took me years to recognize that fear just for the very reason that I saw myself as being strong. It is some very odd conflict but I do think it makes sense in that my father was so subtly ruthless with his incessant criticism and putdowns and this took an internal toll while by nature I am strong. The unconscious voice he implanted went to work chipping away over time without ceasing.
I do know, that the one thing that seems to be missing in all your descriptions of your experience, the doublebinds, etc. is that moment of celebrating a success, the hug of pride from a parent in a job well done - and consolation and encouragement for a good effort that "just missed" the goal. And I do know, that it's possible to do this for ourselves - no matter the old taboos, fears and patterns. This all by itself, can start to scrumble that brick wall one beats head on.
Yes this is correct. Thank you from my deepest heart for seeing this. It is a way of being understood that goes beyond words.
What has taken my years to actually understand is that not only was the hug and pride not there but in fact success brought out a sabotage. Thus a double fear when I undertake something important - fear of failure but also a repressed fear of success. Just writing this is enough to trigger that sensation of humiliation.
I am battling this out in a kind of give and take - working on dredging up this darkness from my unconscious and bringing it forward while also keeping a focus on the positive and keeping my eyes focused forward. This may be a disastrous method. Perhaps I should do one at a time. I am not sure. The only thing I feel strongly about is the need to bring all of this up, to get to the core wounds.
I do feel hopeful and I feel close but there is still a tremendous barrier.
I was thinking of something today.
i have developed a real addiction to places on the internet. I
That addiction is 100% related to the need to connect.
That is the other side of the same coin that I write so often about in terms of loneliness and rejection, etc.
I know (not feel) that this comes from my childhood experiences where there was no connection as a child and the ones made when detected were twarted. Perhaps this is an important place for work. Not sure really. Just know that I must continue to move forward and figure this out as I go.
I continue to be profoundly thankful for the comments and insights and suggestions that you and others offer me here. These interactions are lifegiving and push me further and further forward. and that is thanks to you too Logy, I appreciate your comment more than you will know.
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Well, as to meeting the need to connect via the internet - I really don't think that's such a bad thing, you know? I know that I have such a strong sense of needing to be somewhat mysterious, withdrawn... hiding... my self from people - especially in 3-D; especially meeting new people (and so "busy" internally trying not to repeat the old patterns... and busier still trying to not kick myself for being this way) that without this place, to blab out the real "me" and say out loud "what I really feel" where others can respond - my connections with people would be few & far between. I have to remind myself that I have a real need to connect with others and this need is good for me - like fiber is good for digestive system.
This internal busy-ness reads as standoffish to others, I guess. Or dull, stick-in-the-mud. What brings this up, is that we went to a gathering of our new neighbors last night. And even with hubby and an old friend by my side - I still couldn't bring my "self" out enough to be "me" all that much. I knew it was a mistake, but I immediately set up my chair on the perimeter and edge of the "group" and sat down - creating the old "steel wall" boundary that only a few intrepid (or amazingly kind) people would dare approach. I did enjoy the people who weren't put off by that. (The better to flee, if I needed to... sigh!) Then, I sort of attached myself to my social butterfly hubby to see how the group mingled & schmoozed. My immediate neighbors here were there - and the wife is a no-holds-barred extrovert who is tons o' fun. I tended to settle in with her. And as usual, I found myself more comfortable with the topics of the groups of men than the women - except for this neighbor. She's outspoken and straightforward; no pretenses. I like that, I guess, because I'm still afraid to show that side of myself. I am very much that way, with people I know well; but in social situations I clam up like a teenaged girl at her first dress-up dance!!!!!! Drives me nuts and I can't pretend to myself that this is some sort of inner "confidence" or just being an introverted person - I'm not; I'm very interested in people and their lives & stories. This is just a hold-over from my mom shaming me and my reactionary feeling of self-consciousness or unworthiness based on a false idea that there is some "right", "proper", "appropriate" way to BE.
As to working in two directions at once, GS: that is the nature of the process, I think. Just the way it is. And it's not that dangerous - because even if you do make a mistake NOTHING BAD WILL HAPPEN. You simply recognize the mistake, stop doing that, and try something different. Like my social personality: it's based on the fact that I worked & competed with men in traditionally male occupations, so I'm naturally comfortable in their groups and I thrived on the attention & approval from them that I didn't get from my dad. I avoided groups of women all my life - precisely because I expected to be treated like my mom treated me - so I keep making the effort to connect with women because I want to, I need to and it's the "cure" for this fear of shame, puritanical hellfire & brimstone condemning "judgement" about "who I am" that I endured with her.
It really does start getting better; easier from this point on for you, I think. But I have to admit that even after the really "hard" parts of the process, I am still the product of the FOO I came from... and even tho' I "know the enemy" so much better than before and it's easier than ever for me to know "what's going on" and my part in that and how to change it... it STILL comes up to be processed, dealt with and resolved, and go on........ again. For me, this is my "normal". It's not a disability or disadvantage because I am coping with it; making some allowances; and I keep trying & going on.
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I have not read your last post yet PR.
I have something that I need to get down before I take in your wisdom.
I want to write about two things this morning.
The first is this process, how it works and where I think I am in it.
The second is about what small tidbits more I am gleening about my relationship with my mother.
Understanding the process is important for me because it is a kind of a road map. As I understand it, I gain hope in the midst of the journey.
I have felt as though I have been going backwards for a couple of weeks. That is always a terrible experience where hopelessness peeks his miserable head in everynow and then and recovery takes longer each time. Keeping hope is essential to staying on the journey no matter how lost I seem. So last night, amidst a spot of hopelessness, I saw a repetition of something that I remember from other healing experiences. First of all the journey is long. The high energy and expectation when the work first begins always wains and discouragement sets in somewhere along the way. That is where I have been - lost. But last night I remembered that this is good news, that it always gets worse before it gets better, that it is darkest before the light and I found renewed hope and renewed determination.
The pain, loss, wounding that I am working on now is huge and primary. It is peeling back the layers of repression of things I never wanted to know. It is uncovering the lack of love, the lack of support, the antagonism that befell me from my father and mother, the very humans who should have encouraged and loved and planned for. And as always when the emotional knowledge follows head knowledge the pain is acutely severe.
I am digging at that place where I uncover the source of my shutdown - the anticipatory anxiety that I have snippets of from ages 5 on through 10 when I both longed to be with and be noticed by my father and feared the extreme rejection and humilation. It happened in this process that love and longing and humiliation became joined and intertwined in my life. Now I am lost in a wilderness as I try to extricate love from retaliation.
All of this has been repressed for so long and the pain so severe. I am connecting these dots of longing to be heard, to be understood, to be included with the certainty of being slashed, eviscerated and punished for trying only to get back up and try again and fall into a wretched pattern where rejection and belittlement were part of the process of fighting for inclusion and support, fighting for my right to be. But the default for me was always humiliation and rejection. THAT is what I have been writing of. It is the cycle of survival that for years I have described as having a wheel stuck in the mud, where the harder I tried to get out, the harder I pressed the accelerator, the deeper I became stuck. Insanely the harder I have tried to get out of a difficulty the deeper into the mire I have gone. This is why bringing this stuff out into the open is a critical, key step in releasing it. It is a form of shining a light on the string holding the elephant captive. It involves reexperiencing the pain that I have for so long repressed as a means of survival. Reexperiencing the full force feels like it will kill me. Though I know it must be in order to be free.
My father flourished on humiliating me and he always finished with "I'm doing this for your own good." As obvious as that would be to dismiss as an adult, as a child, dependant on this man for life, thought it angered me, it became a part of my "truth" and has lived a life of its own in my unconscious for lo these many years, reaking havoc along the way.
Here is one example from my earliest years when a sadness and need of compassion earned punishment and rejection. I have written about this before but it ellustrates what I am writing about so well.
One Sunday evening when I was about 4 our family gathered around the television to watch Disney. This evening it was Dumbo. When it came time that Dumbo was taken away from his mother, I began to cry. My father told me to stop crying or leave the room. But I was four and it was a terrible scene and only know do I understand that the punishment added to my tears which then began to flow harder. I was sent to my room - dismissed, rejected, isolated and alone. I stayed in the hallway in view of the TV but out of their sight and I watched and I cried and cried utterly in silence. My mother never once comforting me in the moment or later that night or next day. I have memory after memory of similar experiences. For years i could not write of them because I feared that they would either be dismissed or that I would be told that his was just punishment.
The rejection and isolation were institutionalized in my family with the phrase, "No, you are too young and you are a girl." that phrase was enough to cut me out of most family activities. I could go on and on with such stories of isolation and rejection but I know what a scar they have had on my soul and this story is enough to evoke the memory of many.
My father made it clear that what good I received was by the kindness of his heart. I deserved nothing that was not bestowed on me by his generousity. This sounds like a small issue but in truth I now know that I have waited all of my life to have the things I wanted most to be bestowed on me rather than earned. There was no earning in my childhood and this was a process that was repeated over and over and over again so deep inside, down into the recesses of my being I saw that my struggles to earn were yet more opportunities to snatch success out of my hands. The "not deserving" is the next place to go. I am working on it simultaneously with the "rejection." But the pain and loss of "not deserving" is even greater than the rejction and humiliation of being punished for wanting to belong.
I can go deeper and deeper into this but I am going to switch to the small things that have been coming up in terms of my mother.
I took my little boy to visit with her for a couple of hours yesterday. When it came time to go we needed to scurry to get to my son's guitar lesson. There are always several things that must be done on our way out. My son has without exception ditched his shoes who knows where, gotten food and drink without cleaning up, left a light or TV on upstairs, etc., etc. So we have to get cleaned up and out of the door. As I am hustling to corral my son and get him to follow up she comes toddling in on her walker and wants to talk about planting a rose outside in the front of her house. I am scrambling to keep my son on task, hurrying and getting irritated. The suddenly the picture gets clear - this is an incredible pattern with her - when we leave she then - for the first time in the visit - tries to engage me. It is a very subtle and complicated dynamic.
1) She not only never helps me but she passively, regularly competes for my attention and my help with my son. As a person with ZERO reserves and few, few resources this passive agressive behavior always takes a toll. More is being demanded of me than I have to give. It is small and subtle but it has in the past engendered an explosive reaction. Yesterday I finally saw why. She in her N trait way, looks for points of stress to pile on more. She also has a way of choosing to not notice when I am fully capacitated. When my arms are full or my personal gas tank empty or I am dealing with a intractable child she always pounces with something utterly inconsequential and yet the straw that breaks her daughter's back. And this past week when I was loading my crippled dog in the back of the car, trying to get my son to come and get to the next stop she came to the door and began again. It was in that moment that I saw the whole dynamic. She has no interest, no concern about my being, my struggle, my self. She is clueless and utterly unconcerned. That little flash was a lightening strike. It made it clear that she does these things in order to overload me, to test me, to exert her power. She occassionally says things that make it sound as if she cares but she really operates only on perfunctory use of language that she has learned but has no emotive meaning to her. She is a soulless automoton wreaking havoc on my emotions simply to test her manipulative power. I think this insight will give me even more freedom from emotional engagement with her and i have already gained quite a bit.
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GS...
the rapid-clutching-engagement (more attention to MEEE) just before one is trying, overwhelmed, to exit...is
EXACTLY what I lived with my Nmother for many many years. I recognize your description as though it happened to me, on the same threshold, same porch, same driveway, in the same single parent stress.
What I hope may comfort you a little, in your very important acceptance of that reality...is that one day you will wake up and see that whole horrible panoply as something else.
For all its gothic drama, her behavior (and his) -- is just
a symptom.
Your mother has the disease. NPD. And it really does penetrate to the bone marrow. And you are right.
She does not care.
It is not, however, because she would not in the wild swirl of fantasy and distortion in her mind, LIKE to think of herself as a caring mother. Nor that your father doesn't have an equally insane narrative going on in his. You've heard the dialogue, you've shared it here. And it is insane.
It is because they CANNOT care, because that is a symptom of the diseases they have. Surely she has NPD.
Your father? Perhaps NPD comingled with sociopathic disorder. Some deep personality disorder. One or more of those. That is real isn't it? In spite of the uniqueness of each family, isn't this diseased the way heart disease is heart disease whether it's Bill Clinton's or Bubba's down the block?
Your parents' conditions are DISEASES of the mind and heart. You do know, in your rational mind, they are incurable.
Part of nature, that some living beings are unwell and unable.
I am so sorry that your parents are among them. But they are.
So, you are and will be doing things to reject that inheritance. Because you have knowledge of psychology and these diseases that they, generationally, socially, culturally, can't and won't ever have.
You have the knowledge to stop the cycle. That's what you're doing.
And you can become a healthy person.
The timing and speed, you're doing the best you can. The outcome, though, you won't be much like your parents at all, inside.
Without them.
love to you,
Hops
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is EXACTLY what I lived with my Nmother for many many years
Oh my goodness - that's EXACTLY why I love this place. Because every now and then we REALLY connect
What I hope may comfort you a little, in your very important acceptance of that reality...is that one day you will wake up and see that whole horrible panoply as something else.
Oh yes hops - I totally get it.
No question that she still irritates me but that irritation is ever so slight.
I like to use it as a tool to get into the deeper stuff that still does the damage - out of sight - out of awareness.
The damage is no longer current. My expectations are gone. But man oh man the detrius left behind.
So, you are and will be doing things to reject that inheritance.
You have the knowledge to stop the cycle. That's what you're doing.
And you can become a healthy person.
Thank you Hops - so encouraging.
thank you too, you and PR and all who take the time to comment for allowing me to pour my work out here.
It must be boring to see such detail poured out on these pages but boy does it help me to work it all out.
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Keep the "boring" detail coming GS!!!!
It is part of your story - and so, a part of YOU. It is also the absolutely real content and experience of walking in your shoes, along your path, on your journey. Those details contain the "gems" or "keys" to finally working free from what binds you. As you work free, the story - and details - begin to take on other values and different places on the scale of importance to you. Just like a good thriller, there are twists & turns, what seemed "bad" is now "good" and vice versa... and in the denouement, Alice's rabbit hole will be turned "right" side out again and other more pleasant revelations will be in store for you.
I'm glad to say, that for the most part, I'm seeing a whole lot of "happy endings" to the "stories of us" who've wandered in here, in "crisis mode".
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and PS:
I like the YOU that you share here! That's the real reason I keep bugging you to find out how you're doing... and keep pushing, too. You already ARE the person you're about to realize you've become - in SPITE of what was thrown in your way to make it difficult. And I care about that YOU.
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PR - what a kind word.
I take it in and am nourished by it.
Thank you.
I am still gaining strength.
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Getting in touch with deeply repressed stuff.
Anticipatory anxiety has had a powerful hold on me for many years - fearing, anticipating the rath and condemnation and humiliation.
The anticipation is the greatest anxiety producer.
I have carried this with me my entire life.
Working to release it now.
Lifelong have tried to repress it - the pain of that fear is indescibable.
The fear and anticipation of rejection is twisted around the fibers of the humiliation and constant expectation of of criticism - all twisted up together.
Using EFT and concept of neuroplasticity.
Thankful for a place to share this.
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A little progress - staying iin the pain, acknowledging it rather than suppressing it. Tapping on it, identifying it as belonging to my childhood rather than to today, knowing that I am getting through this paiin rather than living in it. I'm on my way through. At times I focus on my heart and feeling the presence of love growing within. This helps as well.
I am finding myself at moments right smack dab in the middle of thee raw feelings as though I have suddenly slipped back in time.
It is horrendous. Just today, I thought I was going to jump out of my skin. I wanted to jump up and run but it was more like a dog trying to outrun his fleas.
I belive that being back in the middle of this stuff, allowing it to be real is important.
The psychological troika is rejection ; not good enough; harsh criticism, or condemnation.
So clear to me at long last that I take these wounds out into the world and get pummelled by them day after day after day. That much I know I can stop.
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Thanks CB.
Working it all out is so important.
This stuff is so old and uninteresting.
Long before I found this place I had watched enough "friends" not able to hear anymore.
I certainly understand.
I'm so thankful to have a place to dump and dump and dump this wretched pain and get to the hidden stuff and make progress.
Last night I had a series of dream - very viviid and very different quality from what I am used to.
I do believe it marks some sort of shift in my psyche.
In one I am on a river skiing with a paddle in my hand much like snow skiing. I pass some others on the river. It is fun and wonderfully free.
In another I have discovered a couple of houses built in odd places and meet the owners and go outside. They have a tiger and I am trying to hold my cat to protect him. By the river where much rainwater drains there are some interesting treasure troves like old coins and knickknacks. We have a conversation about landscaping. Suddenly I remember that I was supposed to meet a cousin in the nearby village. I get up and excuse myself.
In a previous scene, I am driving down a street (an actualy one) and pass my godmother's house. I have a question for her and so I turn into a driveway to back up and turn around. Every step is so vivid including the cars that pass while I am turning around.
The first dream includes my father. He is an important person and surrounded by aides. It is early in the morning and he has an important meeting. He and his aides are waling through the public building, their shoes clomping on the marble floor and down the marble stairs. I long to go with him but know he will scoff at me so I run down the stairs and out the door with a plan to claim I am going elsewhere should he chastise me.
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I know that what I am going through is part of the healing process.
I have done this before.
It always comes out further down the healing road.
But it is very painful.
I am finding myself planted right back smack in the middle of the original pain.
I know I am working through this but it is very miserable on the way.
I have to write about it here there is noone else anywhere who has any idea what I am talking about.
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I have so much more to write today.
I need to write about how this anxiety feels and how it manifests and how it hampers life.
It feels as though I am pricked with thousands of needle like electrodes that send unpleasant electic pulses through me whie at the same time being asked to do things. It is too much - overload - irritation turns to explosion and subsequent shut down.
The physical sensation is simply too much, it overrdes all else.
It never stopped in my life as a child.
From the moment I woke up the anxiety would start.
I knew that as soon as I got to the breakfast table the criticism and berating would begin. I loathed mornings for most of my life but I never understood why until very recently. I did not like eggs but the rules were that my mother fixed breakfast and everyone would eat what was prepared - like it or not. My father liked eggs therefore we all had eggs. Probably once a week or more we would have something else. The requirements for all meals was that you ate what was provided. No choices. That in and of itself is not the horror - the horror came from the locked jaw anger that my father directed towards me at any mistake. No joy or excitement was tolerated. One dropped fork or word spoken at the wrong time or ....
I remember in my early 30s realizing the my legs and hands and fingers were tied up like pretzels during meals. my right leg would be wrapped aroung my left, crossed at the thigh and right foot tucked behind the left calf, left hand balled into a knot and tucked under my hips, every muscle tensed and head hung. I now understand why. The anxiety around getting up has lasted throughout my life. I do hope and believe that as I get through this controlling aspect of anxiety that I will find freedom from that.
When I think back to the process of getting through the shame that I went through here, I remember that it took quite a few months and that the experience of the wretched emotion became much worse before it got better. But I did break through it and that is the part that I must keep focus on. I will get through this - even though the pain of it is so horrendous and even thought there is noone who could understand this that I could talk to. That is definitely a huge part of the pain - the aloneness of it.
all of this helps me understand why it has been so difficult to clean up my mess of a house and yard. When I get started the anxiety explodes. It taps into the anxiety that was provoked by my perfectionistic father who tolerated no errors. Cleaning up points to the fact that there is a mess. As insane as that sounds, the time that the shaming, raging came was when I made attempts to fix, correct or clean up. That is what triggered the worst of it. I will work through this. Bear with me as I share the pain of it along the way to the other side.
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Today the pain is more intense that for a very, very long time.
the shut down more complete
The inability to deal with normally non-anxiety provoking things is greater.
All of this stuff is coming together, making more sense.
The fear of being stuck here is enormous.
The lonliness and fear and hopelessness are indescribable.
I so hope this will tumble into a relief.
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Hmmmm. No doubt you're on the right track, GS. Post on!
Something from my experience dealing with anxiety:
There came a point when I wondered what excitement felt like. Anticipatory excitement... and then, I wondered: so what is the difference between fearful anxiety and looking forward to something (excitement)? I answered the question this way, with another question: What was the end-result I was expecting?
If, in my interactions with people (or even myself; I consider my relationship with myself to be my most important relationship even when I'm totally "not right") - IF I expected a negative result I would be fine-tuning my perception to look for this - judgement, condemnation, ostracizing - being excluded. In some ways, I felt that this predisposition of fear actually caused me (through a twisted maze lof thoughts, feelings, actions/reactions) to help create the result that I feared. But, on the other hand, if I was able to tell myself that any of my expectations were "suspect" - that I couldn't PREDICT anyone's response to me nor how "anticipated" events or situations would turn out, based on my skewed history of basic relationships (thx mom & dad)... if I could let go of my expectation of a negative result... the level of "fear" was reduced and even replaced with a kind of "looking forward to" or - happy excitement, attached to it.
I could keep an open mind and not impose my own "pattern" on this brand-new opportunity of the present moment. And lo & behold... things didn't always turn out the way I feared they would; the "pain-quotient" quickly drained away; and I was able to choose the result that I "wanted" over the result that I "expected"... and I could "do" or "be" whatever it was that I WAS at that very moment - and all was well.
In my relationship with myself, I find that what I choose to devote my attention to and my perception of "how things are" are extremely important. Of course, this is all "intellectual center" stuff - and emotions are still sometimes, for me - a completely separate being. I still struggle with negative habits - self abuse - though more often than not, I'm more in control of that these days; just not as much as I wish I was!! But the key I'm using to unlock that kind of self-control is related to "expectations"...
I found I internalized certain expectations: for instance, that "attention" from my mom would always cause physical pain, drama, and it being all about her - with me being in the role of persona non grata. This was my "baseline" understanding of relationships in general. It made me, of course, VERY anxious. Couple that with rape (and the reality of that event STILL denied) and total abandonment from my Dad... well, you can see the "plot thicken", huh?
When one's idea of being included, recognized, connected and accepted is linked to such a hurtful result OF COURSE we fear any other similar situation. What tweaked this in my experience, was what you said about your Dad... and being set up to fail. I completely understand what I call - "blank canvas syndrome" - the problem with "getting started" - on anything. It's all linked to that fear/excitement choice of attention & perception. I understand; yet I'm still immobilized. It was my D, last night, who wielded the emotional 2x4 and told me that as long as I kept feeding my "fear" with more and more flimsy "excuses" about why I couldn't start... I wouldn't... until one day, I'd get sick & tired of hearing my own "BS excuses" and I'd just "do it" - without any definition AT ALL of what "success" or "failure" consisted of...... in other words, she wants me to throw out my own scale of definitions of what IS success/failure... and just TRY.
And it's OK if the first attempts are clumsy, weak, half-hearted or even self-deluding. It's OK if I am not SUPERMOM and knock it out of the park on the first attempt - that simply doesn't matter. But the TRYING surely does... that's what is meant - the meaning behind the words: zen mind, beginner's mind. A beginner is expected to make mistakes while learning something new, attempting something outside of the "comfort zone"... and THAT'S PERFECTLY OK... because no one masters something/anything from the very first attempt.
And I'm starting to "babble" from right-brain... and it probably isn't all that coherent... take what you can put to use, GS - and ignore the rest.
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Staying in the midst of the storm finally brought an insight.
Not a new one but a needed one.
I can shift out of the anxiety, the intense fear and mea culpa and find my place in determination, moving forward.
I watch "ruby" on Lifetime for the first time the other night. Quite surprisingly I was transfixed - these women were being asked to go back into their childhood and find that pain that caused them to turn to food for succor. In one point a they are role playing and one woman names differnt people to play different roles including herself as a child. While they role play an abusive segment between her parents she is able to drag her little child self out of the mix and rescue her. It was a powerful scene.
Time for me to do the same.
I may have to be reminded over and over and over again but that is the way out of this place.
When I first get out of it it does nothing to ease the fear b/c I will have to return and there is no ultimate solution but all of that is up to me to shift. It will just take some work and some support and encouragement. Not surprisingly yet self-defeating, I still long to turn to my mother for understanding and support. That is futile and wasted energy. Time to redirect that longing.
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If, in my interactions with people (or even myself; I consider my relationship with myself to be my most important relationship even when I'm totally "not right") - IF I expected a negative result I would be fine-tuning my perception to look for this - judgement, condemnation, ostracizing - being excluded. In some ways, I felt that this predisposition of fear actually caused me (through a twisted maze lof thoughts, feelings, actions/reactions) to help create the result that I feared.
Oh my heavens PR. No words can express my appreciation.
I absolutely agree with you. It makes it so clear how I have done that throughout my life. I have seen examples of reversing that expectation and experiecing good things. This is a very helpful comment. It reminds me that I do believe that I am on my way out and that I am focusing on proof of that but it also reminds me that I can shift my focus on a number of issues still. Thank you.
When one's idea of being included, recognized, connected and accepted is linked to such a hurtful result OF COURSE we fear any other similar situation. What tweaked this in my experience, was what you said about your Dad... and being set up to fail. I completely understand what I call - "blank canvas syndrome" - the problem with "getting started" - on anything. It's all linked to that fear/excitement choice of attention & perception. I understand; yet I'm still immobilized. It was my D, last night, who wielded the emotional 2x4 and told me that as long as I kept feeding my "fear" with more and more flimsy "excuses" about why I couldn't start... I wouldn't... until one day, I'd get sick & tired of hearing my own "BS excuses" and I'd just "do it" - without any definition AT ALL of what "success" or "failure" consisted of...... in other words, she wants me to throw out my own scale of definitions of what IS success/failure... and just TRY.
Yep - powerful. I get it and I agree.
I hope I will be hit by this 2X4 repeatedly as I get it and make adjustments and get another knock and continue to make adjustments. I am getting it PR. Thank you for sticking with me through this and offering real understanding and valuable words of direction.
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getting another insight
the anxiety is nested
in other words - I feel anxious about doing s.t. b/c I fear the results, That is nested in anxiety about anticipating doing the thing, and that is nested in or related to a network of memories and on and on and on.
So when I face an anxiety it is so generalized that when I face one aspect, I am battled down by an entire army or anxieties that have multiplied over the years.
I must keep my focus SHARP and deal with one step at a time!!!!
I can do this. Step at a time.
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I am being flooded by insights and I am looking to get them down so that I can retain them and use them in my healing.
I had no filter from criticism. I could not differentiate from valuable, meaningful criticism and that to be disregarded.
I could not do that because my father overtly would respond to my bringing home unkindnesses and painful remarks that I must have done something to deserve the comments. There was never any place to go with hurt. I truly believed that I deserved it and I still go into the world believing this - not actively and not consciousle but hidden deep within. I have no filter - unable to slough off meanness because it is petty. It take it all in and it send my body through ripples of fear and leaves me in a state of physical shaking. It is a rough response.
I must now create an artificial filtering system protecting myself from such harshness. I have to go but have so much more to write.
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(((((((GS)))))))
I am amazed by your strength. I understand the urge to get through this. Don't forget to rest while you do this also. I've had many insights come while resting.
Whether I'm doing this kind of soul searching work or just working on a term paper.
"all of this helps me understand why it has been so difficult to clean up my mess of a house and yard. When I get started the anxiety explodes. It taps into the anxiety that was provoked by my perfectionistic father who tolerated no errors. Cleaning up points to the fact that there is a mess. As insane as that sounds, the time that the shaming, raging came was when I made attempts to fix, correct or clean up. That is what triggered the worst of it."
Oh wow. That makes so much sense. I have a complete mess of a house also. It is so bad I haven't let anybody in for years. I know I have felt an overwhelming sense of 'I can't do this' whenever I start to clean. I love CB's idea of decorating one corner. A place just for me, however I want it. I think that would help me.
Weird, I dreamt a ton last night also. Something in the air? I also had a dream with a tiger in it. It was a girl in her twenties walking a tiger on a chain down the road. I looked at her and thought, she must be someone special to have a tiger trust her like that. And that no one would dare mess with someone with a guard like that.
Keep it up GS, but remember to be gentle with yourself, you are precious. Worn
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ooh - I think that girl with the tiger is YOU.
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Ya know - another word that might be used to describe the filter you're talking about - is boundary. In that, while it's important to consider other people's opinions about us (when offered kindly and as solicited feedback) and those opinions can sometimes enlighten us about who we are; what we are... no one but yourself gets to decide which of those are accurate.
Other people's comments, way they treat certain people, criticisms, etc are all colored by their own values, experiences and "issues". Remember the saying "consider the source"... given that your parents were so obviously unfair to you and even dysfunctional in their relationship with each other and themselves - all the money and power in the world doesn't change who they are as human beings. As a "source" for the end all, be all definition of YOU - you owe it yourself to seriously question their opinions.
You owe it to yourself to start peeling off - and throwing away - i.e., cleaning up your own opinion of yourself. Then, the other stuff will follow, I think, like magic.
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part of the trick for me is moving past the wretched "feeling" that is more oppressive than the thoughts. I am still oblivious to internal dialogues it is the feeling that traps me.
I realize today that part of the key is to begin a talk to myself and to move forward in spite of that wretched feeling. I am going to give this all a try. I feel close to making progress.
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Making progress.
I have just hurried home to sneek in a few minutes before carpool to write some important insights down.
As I was working things out in my mind I got a call from my father so having just hung up I want to write about that first.
I have not yet seen a physical manifestation of changes reflecting the internal changes taking place but I am certain that they are soon to follow. Just that certainty alone makes that prognosis very strong.
As I was talking to my father I found those ingrained horrific responses taking over. Then I viewed him as a helpless human bound in OCD bizarre behavior and conversation. I cannot tell you what that simple frame of mind did to alter my interaction with him. He was returning a call I made to his wife concerning an activity she had planned with my son tomorrow morning. Long story short my 9 year old had called him several times this week to ask him to pay for a honorary level at his karate dojo which is called the blackbelt club. The fee is $249 and it allows the children an extra training per month and to participate in a leadership program. The participants are invited to join based on their work ethic at karate and home. I don't have the $249 right now and so decided that we could ask one of my parents. As my father has never done anything for my son other than give me money to purchase birthday and Christmas gifts I thought we would ask him. We finally contacted him by phone on Wed. evening. He returned my son's call and after my child invited him to an alumni activity at his (their) elementary school my father raised his voice at him telling him that my father did not have time to talk. Now remember, my father made this phone call. My son never had the opportunity to tell him about karate and even still my father was ... well fill in the blank.
So when we connected today - he told me that he had not finished his conversation with my son but that he did not have time to talk because he had to get to the barber. Then he asked when he could reach me. I gave him a specific time slot which he then talked about for another 15 minutes about why that would not work and about what my phone number was and how I never answered when he called and on and on and on. I found myself getting beyond worked up until suddenly I held in my mind the image of his OCD running rampant, uncontrollable and then suddenly my whole, ingrained reaction released. With that subtle shift I actually heard something shift in his tone - imperceptibly less frantic.
We hung up. Within moments he called again (this is a pattern that goes back for 30 or 40 years) and he went through a litany of why he couldn't talk and what phones he does and does not answer and how he does not believe in talking while driving but that he does it any way and how he was going to miss his appointment with the barber and therefore he could no longer talk and on and on and on.
It was insane - and for the first time in my life - I did not take it on myself, did not mourn my loss or absence of a father, of a source of love or protection or concern. I saw a human being broken who had nothing obvious to offer but who could use some something, perhaps recognition of humanity with zero expectations attached. And I knew that I have turned a corner, that if I can do that when in the midst of an insane conversation that I can do that for all that precedes.
*****
Now the prelude.
I am coming to see that I can, with work, determination and belief, find the technique or ability to shift out of my long ingrained panic reaction, my outright fear of rejection, condemnation and unworthiness (not good enoughness). That sift feels like the difference between helplessness and determination - Horatio Alger; the shift between victim and overcomer; between passive helplessness and active problem solver.
In order to make this transition - all I have to do is to begin to have experiences of this kind; to be aware of them; to file them away and keep my focus on them until this type of experience, of overcoming becomes the norm rather than the exception.
In order to make this change - I must be willing to know that the fear reaction that has become ingrained and a norm for me is a coping mechanism from my childhood which is no longer valid and no longer protecting but now is the opposite. I have to acknowledge that this horrific feeling, that I have for years, shut down in order to avoid, given up who I am and so much more including all the "good things" of life, this horrific feeling is only a fear reaction that can be eliminated by digging deep and finding the courage and confidence and strength to push through and each and every time I opt for action rather than shutting down I am healing myself. I will see myself as doing what courageous humans do who have been through debilitating physical accidents and push themselves through painful therapy because they are willing to suffer the pain to get to the other side.
I can do this and I am able to find that strength in part due to the understanding and support that I have received from those of you here.
i am gonig to do this and I am inexpressibly thankful that I have a place where I can come and share my progress and my struggles and know, for the first time in my life, that I am loved. Thanks to you all and to Dr. Grossman who continues to make this possible. I will overcome this. I am so close and so much ground work has already been done. That is what all the writing I have been doing these past years here - it has been my groundwork, it has been the gestational period of my healing and I am about to go into labor. I know that it will be painful beyond memory but the fruits of that labor will be a magnificent creation of my very own child - who is me - it will be the real birthing of my own self and I have all of you midwives here at VESMB to thank.
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::clap:: ::clap:: ::clap:: ::clap:: ::clap:: ::clap:: ::clap:: ::clap:: ::clap:: ::clap:: ::clap:: ::clap:: ::clap:: ::clap:: ::clap:: ::clap:: ::clap:: ::clap:: ::clap:: ::clap:: ::clap:: ::clap:: ::clap:: ::clap:: ::clap:: ::clap:: ::clap:: ::clap:: ::clap:: ::clap:: ::clap:: ::clap:: ::clap:: ::clap:: ::clap:: ::clap:: ::clap:: ::clap:: ::clap:: ::clap:: ::clap:: ::clap:: ::clap:: ::clap:: ::clap::!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
YES!!!!!
and NO - the next part of the process doesn't HAVE to be painful, GS; difficult, trying, annoying, frightening even.... but it doesn't HAVE TO be painful. Why??? Because that part is up to you and doesn't include the 'rents - it's ALL YOURS... and I think there are a bunch of us here willing to hug you, pat you on the back (and stick around to help support you)... all because you've EARNED THIS and you DESERVE TO ENJOY THIS!!! A little private celebration - something you've always thought was just "decadent" is in order, I think.... a bit of rest, too - before pushing on.
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Oh, Strength, I want to echo PR's YES! Yes to you and all that you are....yes to all your insights, your courage, your new future. Yes to your son and all that he has gained when you set out to work through this stuff.
This is what I found, too: that when you see them for what they are (rather pathetic), it takes all the wind out of both your sails and theirs. Just calm and resolve and peace.
Congratulations dear Strength!
CB
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I have been working on this this afternoon while my son was in a lesson. I used my EFT and worked on a statement that I wrote to get to the core of the issues. EFT helps me deeal with these issues iin 2 ways: the first is that it takes the edge off of the extreme pain (which I am convinced I am experiencing because I have taken the lid of repression away) and second it takes me to related issues that need healing as well.
As I was tapping on the statement I wrote several memories came up. There were not repressed memories but I had not seen the relationship that they held to the primary issue of being rejected and condemned by my father.
As I worked on this process, I wrote down some of the things that were coming up. As I read over my jottings I was struck as if by a 2x4 by this sentence. "No desire and longing go unpunished." This insight is not new so I was astonished by the emotional impact that it had when I read it over. I made the connection to the inability I have to follow through on things that are good for me, things like diet and exercise and other similar things. These desires and attempts to secure them never went unpunished. WOW. That is a huge insight. No wonder identifying things that I long for and need send me into a panic - they never went unpunished.
I know I will continue to make these connections and as I do the cord to the elephant's foot will be cut permanently. That freedom and healing is ever so close and then the next issue will be that much easier - if not less painful.
[The worst part of this is the huge adrenaline rush as though it is an uncapped oil source at the bottom of my heart. It is like being on a 24 hour release amphetimine with no relief in sight. It drains me and leaves me feeling like hunted prey with little if any cover.]
Boy what a relief it is to understand what is going on. I pray for and know that the resulting shift will soon be manifest. I cannot wait. I am ready for the healing balm.
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the next part of the process doesn't HAVE to be painful, GS; difficult, trying, annoying, frightening even...
Wow - thanks PR. that is very encouraging to read. I get it. This is the painful part. Once I have gone through it I am on the other side. Difficult, trying, annoying, frightening even I can handle.
when you see them for what they are (rather pathetic), it takes all the wind out of both your sails and theirs.
YES CB it really does.
The mystery for me is this - there is such a gulf between "knowing" this and it being integrated within.
I still do not understand the link between these two. But I do know that "knowing" has always preceded the integration for me. That gap between the two is very painful - but it must be accompanied with a belief that the integration WILL come.
(Part of me must keep writing about it over and over and over, as if otherwise it would dissipate into an unincorporated ether and part of me must write about it over and over as though that will make it real, cement it into being rather than an idea or ideal and part of me must write about it over and over and over again as if to satisfy a hunger that has lifelong been unsated or a thirst that almost killed me. I want that child to be born, that labor to end, the pain to stop, but this is all a necessary part of the metamorphosis choose it or not.
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definitely a shift when I woke up
Key is to maintain it
I was picking up some things in the bathroom PILE to launder and as I did it, I felt the lifelong process of anxiety and shame starting to work, It was a laundry list of so MUCH that has to be done. I stopped it dead. The laudry list that grows and grows and has a "You are worthless and incompetent" message attached.
If I can do this I will break this hold and move into a participatory life.
fingers crossed.
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Yeah, I had to write it over & over too GS! For me, I think the difference between knowing something intellectually and integrating it, as you say is acceptance.
Acceptance that I was taught to hate myself, abuse myself, deny myself and center all my caring, concern (and anxiety) on trying to please, be lovable to, accepted by - someone who simply wasn't ABLE to do those things.
Acceptance that NOTHING I could do or be would EVER change that (regardless of how much I did want to change that).
Acceptance that my ability to care for myself in a positive way didn't DEPEND on that relationship from long ago; acceptance that the world is NOT all pain & difficulty nor did I deserve to punish myself with that any further. I was just a normal human with normal feelings, hopes and dreams - and it wasn't my fault that my mom is the way she is; none of the old Twiggy story (with a few exceptions) and my fault. I finally accepted myself "warts" and bad habits and all....
and no, I don't always please everyone I'm close to now with who/what I am. But I no longer kick myself when that happens or agonize over what "should've been". Yes, there are still things that I want to "grow out of" about me; things I want to work on and change... but I no longer set the bar so high that I am doomed to fail. I do try to stretch out of my comfort zone from time to time, too. And you know what??
Those old canards, unfair criticisms and judgements are still there in my head. But so is "don't trust anyone over 30" and the fact that the Nile flows north and a million kazillion other little things. The "old crap" no longer stands out as being any more important than the fact that once upon a time, I used to weigh 110 lbs.
It's JUST A FACT - and no more than that. You're starting to get to that place too. That gives me a nice peaceful, warm, fuzzy feeling about you and what's in store you now. And I'm silly, crazy, wacky happy for you too!!!!
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This is the single worst day I have had in years and it is only half over.
The repression is off and my anger is explosive.
My son has pushed me to my limits and so has my mother.
In the past, I would have had more control. Today I have none.
This is the BS my mother pulls. She planned to take my son out to shop for a Mother's Day gift, which is a lovely gesture.
We get to her house, my son and I have had two horrific fights over the same thing today and I was telling her about it when she then began to pick at him about it. Naturally he explodes and disappears. I calm him down and require him to apologize to her and she apologizes as well and THEN he says he is going to take a treasured Lego catalogue with him. she says, "No. You must leave it here." "Why?" I asked. "Well I don't know," she answers sort of hangdogish. "I call shotgun," he claims, "with my catalogue." "No. Not with the catalogue!" "Why not?" I ask with utter incredulity.
I'm still utterly outraged at her. My son left and I just let go. I asked her why she would do that and when she refused to even consider why I told her - "because you have to CONTROL him. And he HATES it. He hates coming over here because you control his every action." I let go with both barrels and I was accurate as hell.
I hate being such a loose cannon. It does NOT feel good. I know exactly what it is coming from - years and years of rage at being treated as less than a human. It has certainly taken a toll. But if I don't get control of my anger I will pay a huge price. I cannot repress it either because that price has been big as well. So I guess the alternative is to find a way to channel it. I don't have a clue about how to do that at this moment.
Oh my heavens - I just figured out, I am feeling horrendous guilt and shame and expecting punishment (rejection, condemnation) for my angry outbursts. This is a very important realization. I do not know what to do with it yet. I feel caught in a catch 22 and I want out. I am at a fork - I can repress and move on or process and move through. I don't want do either.
Wow Phoenix Rising - you have such a way with words. At times your posts are like poetry - dense, tightly packed, cutting quick to the bone and excising meaning that for me is hidden under layers and layers of stuff. You expose it and abstract it and share it and give shape to things I experience and cannot put words to. And I thank you. It is a treasure.
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I saw a human being broken who had nothing obvious to offer but who could use some something, perhaps recognition of humanity with zero expectations attached. And I knew that I have turned a corner
So you have, GS, I am so glad for you.
The thing about the rage is that it's a natural violent healing, kind of.
And something you don't want to express "at" your son.
If so much time around your mother brings it forth...how do we shield him so you can continue healing and he can too? You're changing his family tree as you change yourself.
love to you and delight in your astonishing breakthroughs--you are saying NEW, STRONG things!
xxoo
Hops
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GS - I have another perspective about you unloading the shotgun of rage at your mom. I so understand that it doesn't feel good - and yep; you're exactly right about WHY it didn't. Under "normal" circumstances, I'd say you were triggered and crossed a boundary of civility of expression, for instance if you'd gone off at a cashier in a store. I've been there; it really doesn't feel good when the person didn't deserve it.
However, your mom was the target. The anger was still triggered - it was about "control" and "unfairness". It touched way deep into the core of your immobilization - and the fear. And from my reading of what happened, your mom has deserved your anger for some time for just this type of thing.
And you deserve to FEEL that outraged anger - for yourself, not just for your son - until it dissipates. And it will. Why? BECAUSE YOU'VE BEEN TREATED THAT WAY TOO AND IT HURTS. Humans get angry, enraged, when someone hurts them. It's natural. Yes, there is a whole range - a scale - of anger that's matched up different transgressions. But this is kinda different; you've not felt safe enough from the feared "other shoe"... so this anger hasn't had anywhere to "wind down" yet; anywhere to settle out and evaporate.
Like some toxic poison IV drip... it's been altering the chemistry of you and the idea that you're not allowed to be angry just might be another "tool" of the enemy to control you, n'est-ce pas? Since WHEN are people not allowed to be angry?? You have a RIGHT to feel the whole range of emotions... and not all anger is "BAD"; sounds to me like this was "righteous anger" - and that's seldom a "refined, civilized, and rational" expression.
Self-control of anger comes after you get to know how it feels; why you're feeling it; how to give it the space it needs; how it feels in your body - and how to step out of it, at will. This was a teenaged-gawky phase for me and I made mistakes. This was where I learned to forgive myself for feeling in the first place - and letting go the idea that there was a "right" way to feel and that anger wasn't on that list of "acceptable" feelings.
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It is as though I have had a lid on stuff for so long and in the past there were eruptions out of the sides when it all bubbled up too much but this time there was no lid and the stuff just went through the top like a volcano.
Rather than a lid of repression, I plan to cover that boilding anger with a filter and learn to channel it in positive changes. I just hadnot had time or understanding.
This shift is more difficult than I expected. It will be different each and every day I suspect.
The key, I believe is shifting out of those states of fear and anger (anger usually comes out of being rejected) and resentment and channel it into determination. I know I can do this but it will be a learning process. I have for years now shut down.
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The momentum to making this shift real is building.
I am understanding clearer and clearer how important making the shift from my automatic emotional reactions to a determination of channelling the negative energy into positive. I do understand that it will take practise over and over but I also understand that I can do it.
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As I make progress, it becomes cllearer and clearer how much more must be cleared. The layers are legion and in the core is a twiested cord of fibers each belonging to a wound so deep.
Only in recent years did I learn that my father has a host of mental illnesses and they were present to varioisu degrees when I was growing up. I always believed that what was being asked of me only seemed impossible because something was lacking in me, something fundamental.
Truthfully, no words, even here, come close to conveying what I am going through. I know that I will get through to the other side. It will not be swift but I will get there.
I do need people to help me through it and I am incredibly thankful for this place. It is the only place I know where people cven come close to understanding.
I read on another site recently something written by someone who also comes here that if ourwounds were physical we would be treated with compassion and encouragement and patience and support in the world but because our wounds are pyschological and invisible there is no mercy.
I am finding a way to get past this need.
As I began cleaning up my yard yesterday, I was hounded by echos of criticism and condemnation as though the people were standing right beside me yelling in my ear. I found my mind wandering through a maze of resentment and depression and shutting down and then as I recognized the process, I was able to name it and process it and work my way through it.
The resentment I feel is very debilitating. It feeds the sense of helplessness and hopelessness and rejection. But it is also legitimate and it comes from early, early childhood and it comes from treatment that never ever stopped. It comes from experiences similar to what my mother did to my son about the catalogue. Only noone ever intervened on my behalf and my mother's participation in such behavior was only a glint of what my father did.
The reason what my mother did was so poisonous is that she, for no reason whatsoever, sought to take away a pleasure of his that caused no harm and not even extra effort on her part or anyone else's. What she did, was a clear demonstration of taking away a pleasure of his simply because she could and simply because she did not want him to have that pleasure. A grandparent and a parent should live to seekout and encourage such small pleasures but my parents sought to destroy any such moments and that is where my profound resentment comes from. Where other parents encouraged joy and comfort and good things mine sought to take them away. It gave them pleasure to deny them. And that attitude still prevails for both of them.
Another part of that is that is when they give something it is not because someone asked and it seldom has anything to do with what someone wants. In fact, if something is needed or wanted that will not be a part of the gift. That is yet another source of resentment.
The sabotage factor in my childhood was beyond description. And it lead to intense resentment. Life was truly unfair and part of the legacy of that for me is this HUGE piile of resentment that keeps me in a "victim" mentality. But I am going to take that pile of sh*t and use it to turn my garden into the most productive garden in the universe. I am going to process that sh*t and make it into something wonderful.
Part of that process is allowing it to continue to come to the surface and that is a very unpleasant experience but it is far better than the alternative - of living in it and repressing it.
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Someone sent this link to me today.
The concepts are not all new but it is packaged very well.
It helps me understand anew that change is exhausting.
It encourages me to keep building, step by step with much, much rest and it encourages me to not get disappointed or without hope.
http://heathbrothers.com/switch/chapterone.php
To use the language of the book SWITCH, my rider is tired and the elephant has been winning.
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I was drawn to reread Wayne Dyer's Intention.
Just the thing I needed.
Now that I have been in the ditch with the dark, dark psychological archeology I need to move forward.
Dyer's recommendation of moving to a higher energy is just the step I need.
Feeling great progress at long, long last.
Thanks for your support.
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Today is a great day.
I believe I have my foundation in place.
I believe I will be curing and polishing that foundation for a period and then will build on it.
Thank you.
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((((((((((((((((((((GS))))))))))))))))))))))))
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Thank you friend - it is feeling good.
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Gaining Strength,
What a painful place in your soul you describe, and so familiar. Instead of blessings, you received contempt and rejection. Such a parent is criminal in my mind. The damage done in those incredibly difficult to describe moments is nearly lethal. Surviving that and writing about it and sharing it is a triumph. The pain surfaces and is nearly unbearable so I hope you meet it with compassion for yourself now and yourself as a child.
Each piece that you share helps me and all of us to go with you into this treacherous territory. It is usually a journey of feelings and hard to put into words so your clarity and eloquence make it understandable.
Unearthing the cruelty is useful but I think the most important part is realizing the impact it had on you and grieving that. I mean keep loving yourself though this. You do it any way you can.
Words fail me.
Much love to you.
Sea storm
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Cripes I read the wrong page and wrote that in response to something you said ages ago. Maybe there are no accidents.
You were talking about being a failure in the way that your parents described failure. What hearless, judgemental non-sense they spouted.
Sorry if I am out of sync here.
Sea storm
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(((((GS)))))
That is wonderful! So glad you've found your foundation. A celebration is in order I do believe.
Much love, Worn
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Sea - thank you for your post. One of the greatest gifts I have received here is having my experience and pain acknowledged. That was not available to me in 3d world anywhere and I firmly believe that it is necessary before healing can take place. Your words offer me that acknowledgement and they are solace for my wound. Thank you.
Worn - a celebration in deed and lots of work to strengthen, protect and build on that foundation.
Upward depends on keeping up the work. This is work that has zero anxiety attached. That is a first in my life.
Today, I am beyond thankful for understanding where my pain and my paralysis comes from. I have not overcome it yet but that is only a matter of continued work on raising my energy level from low to high. I like to think of the energy concept as an analogy and apply it to the process I am now going through. First I have to fill my tank up and then I must refresh it regularly lest it run dry. But at this iinitial stage I have many holes and leaks which cause the fuel to run through quickily. I must refuel often while I work on plugging those leaks. So initially it will take more concentration and more effort, vigilance in fact to keep the energy level elevated. But this work is welcomed. And I am greatful to have it.
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The work that I have to do now is different yet with some similarities.
through the work I have written about here, I have identified the 3 ply string that has held me captive: harsh condemnation (double binding, perfectionism ); rejection and not worthy. Now with each rush of norepinephrine and epinephrine I am able to identify which of these strings is the source of that cellular memory and find a release.
The next step is to move out of the dark energy into a higher frequency.
I discovered a book by Adam called Intention Heals and here is a synopsis that adds yet another concept to my arsenal.
http://alternativespirituality.suite101.com/article.cfm/review_of_intention_heals
I feel so hopeful and so thankful.
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My experience with my mother and son this past Saturday was a healing gift.
In that experience I saw how my mother has always been unable to take a child's joy and lift it up in celebration.
That is the act of nurturing love.
Rather she must dash it and destroy it - more like a black widow who eats her young.
In this experience I remember how my father was much more prolific and mothodic about stealing joy and colouring it BAD.
My mother's doing so was the final touch.
All of this showed me the genisis of my binding and isolating resentment.
My joy was not celebrated but punished.
Other children's joy was celebrated and enjoyed by their families and friends.
When the child who was me looked around and saw others celebrated for the very things that I was punished I became resentful and when that was punished as well I repressed it and have walked through life expecting and receiving shit for lunch and responding with anger and resentment because others have luscious nourishment on their plates. I have lived in victimhood waiting, hoping, longing for someone to set me free. Unable to see that I can do that for myself. And one step in that process is releasing that resentment.
Thank you for letting me share.
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I have lived in victimhood waiting, hoping, longing for someone to set me free. Unable to see that I can do that for myself. And one step in that process is releasing that resentment.
I LOVE seeing your intelligence overcome the habits.
You remind me of an emotional version of "The Biggest Loser", GS!
(I thought I'd hate that show but I actually enjoy it a lot. So nice to see people struggle and really fight their way to learning to love and help themselves.)
hugs
Hops
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I love Biggest Loser too.
I was disdainful of it the first 2 seasons and then happened upon it channel surfing and surprisingly fell in love.
I love so much about it - including the powerful message about what a difference it makes having people who care push you beyond your limits.
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WELL HHHHHMMMMMMMPPPHHH!!!!!
I'm HAPPY for you that you've "cracked the code" and happier still that you're enjoying yourself!! DUH on the old invisible trap, I say! As for the work you're doing now - no one can judge it, criticize it because the only person it can actually matter to, is YOU. And in that respect, it's also true (purely logically) that you will be less liable to "make a mistake". From the perspective, that:
if you are tired... and that corner over there doesn't get cleaned out... tomorrow is another day, and you can decide again if it's that important to you. IT'S OK.
when the resentment does find a way to sneak back into your routine/process... you'll know it for what it is - a holdover from the past and rather than give it power, you'll be able to walk away from it - and choose your new "habit"... and if it takes a day or two, IT'S OK.
and, in the process of "shopping" for new habits, remember that it's a journey of exploration and discovery - it's FUN - and allow yourself to try new things for the "scientific" purpose of deciding if the thing is something you LIKE or is valuable to you in another way... and after a bit, you'll see a new "design pattern" emerge; a you that is more YOU and less a reaction to the old invisible trap. This part takes a lot of time, depending on how much energy you have; how many time commitments (like a job, etc)... but you'll find that you can seek out the new EVERYWHERE, if you've got your mind set on looking for that.
Empowering yourself to make these decisions and enjoy them and the results... will generate more fuel, plug the leaks, and increase the horsepower of your engine!
Now, I know it's time for "happy dance"!!!!!!! BIG HUG, kiddo.
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Thank you PR. The connection with you is such a gift.
As Imove forward into the higher vibratin energy I am also finding more resources for identifying and releasing more and more of the old stuff. As I clean today, so much junk and hatred and reproach is pouring out. The cleaning for me is all about shame and anger perhaps rage. It is all so convoluted so much stuff piled on to the original wounding.
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That experience with my mother and son is opening up so much for healing.
I am finding myself identifying and tracing back to origin so much trauma and anxiety and fear. As I trace it back to source I am able to hold that being as an infant in need of mortherly nurturing. It is a kind of closed circle. It came to me from the image that came out of processes that experience. That image of holding of that child's joy in celebration. I believe that I will be able to hold experiences of resentment up like that child in joy and celebrate rather than rage.
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I wan tto share tis in case it touches anyone else the way it is touching me.
The is a link to one of the byron Katie videos I watched today:
http://serreal.ning.com/video/1385230:Video:5562
As she talks I am able to go to the issue and the place where I feel blocked, feel anxiety and get right to the source. Boy this is freeing.
Whoopy. I am feeling joy again today and filled with hope and healing. And gratitude.
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Hmmm, Strength,
I can see why she has really impacted you...she impacted me the same way and I see you working through a lot of the same things that I did when I was reading her. She really brings everything into focus for me.
Love
CB
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Beginning to feel a release. Bit by bit I am finding myself compelled to do small things that until now I have not been able to will myself to do.
Looking forward to experiencing more and more of this. It is exactly what I have foreseen.
Intention.
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I just have to write more. I am so thankful to be so very close to freedom. I can't wait to see how long it will take me to find full release. I'm betting 5 days.
First things first. I have been cleaning some - very small things but I am so happy about it as opposed to feeling the endless self-loathing and humiliation. Even though I am still not cleaning like a mad man I am actually looking forward to it. I am feeling the relase before it is activated. sounds crazy I know but through out this process I have had a certain level of "knowing" that I have great confidence in. Things are about to make a huge shift. I am already celebrating.
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CB - I COMPLETELY agree with you. Even in the anxiety filled and doubt filled life that I have been living in these recent years I am certain that because I believed this principle that I was able to get this far. It was like driving with my brakes on and so it was V-E-R-Y slow but things are about to speed up for me.
Thank you for sharing that.
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Thank for the explanations and I will go and find out more about the 4 questions.
sea
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You never know - I am sure I have read about byron Katie's The Work right here on VESMB but it did not speak to me then.
It does now.
I am dieing to try CMR and put that on my list for when money starts rollling in.
CMR is Cellular Memory something. It is VERY appealing to me.
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I am moving into a place that is unfamiliar to me.
Having lived my entire life in profound fear and expectation of rejection and alienation
I am finding that as more and more of that anxiety is released I have no idea how to be without it.
Last night I had dream after dream after dream in which I was in place where I would be rejected or alienated or arrested and in each scene I went into the place of fear and then found a path out.
It is just such a strange world to be in. One I do not know.
I feel lighter but I also feel lost.
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Yeah, that's one aspect of discovery & exploration of the "new"... best I can do to give you something to grab onto for stabilization is: chop wood, carry water.
Do the mundane... the ordinary... don't think too much (but don't stop thinking!) - about how this is different. Instead of a 24/7 process, it seems in this new "place" you only have to sit down/seriously review and evaluate only every so often - once/twice a day, once a week - whatever FEELS right for you or satisfies the need... and the rest of the time, you're just living your life... choosing how to spend your time & energy; doing what needs doing (or ignoring it for something fun instead!!)... just being YOU.
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Phoenix - thank you. I have only read the first line of your post so far. What joy. I understand and I cannot help but laugh - at last, at long, long last I am able to chop wood and carry water. How I see that the rest will follow the basics. The freedom to chop wood and carry water - ineffable.
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cleaning upstairs on today's agenda.
ridiculously frightening.
seeing how perfectionism blocks getting started.
using a rule of 5 - get started - d0 5 actions - don't go for completion.
getting started is a great way to move into action.
Even I can do 5.
Keeping the feeling of satisfaction of job completed in focus.
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Strength
Doesnt it feel GREAT????
I am so proud of you. This is a big hurdle but you are going to feel so good about your capabilities as you amass these small victories.
I am a big believer in the small steps method. Sometimes I have had to just tackle one corner. Everything else might be (or feel like) shambles but one corner is neat and orderly...then I reward myself with flowers or something beautiful in that corner to keep me going around the other corners.
Lots of rewards for yourself. A cup of tea in the cleaned spot. Your favorite book, or tea pot or pillow. Inhale Sarah ban Breathnach! :D
Brava, Strength!
CB
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thank yoiu CB. It has been 3 1/2 years since Hops suggested that I begin on 1 sqare foot and finally I can do that.
Only friends here could understand why that is an achievement worth celebrating.
I didn't know that until I read your kind words. This is a huge achievement for me - surpassing my college graduation.
Thank you - beyond words - for your acknowledgement.
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You are now in the process of mastering the technique that created empires, made hugely significant humanitarian discoveries, and is the mechanism or glue that holds civilization together!!!!!!
Simple, isn't it? Yet it's the hardest thing of all to learn - no matter what age you are. And people who know how to do this, too often take it for granted and don't realize how magical and powerful it is. LUCKY YOU, GS....
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I'm really glad for you, GS...and I need inspiration again myself.
Slid a bit backwards lately. Overwelmed again and need to tackle my own square feet.
FYI, I have looked up Bryon Katie and this site is a place I often go when I read of similar teachers (just my position or take on them--though I did like reading The Four Agreements, and also like some of what Katie teaches):
http://forum.rickross.com/read.php?4,9147,53392 (http://forum.rickross.com/read.php?4,9147,53392)
love,
Hops
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Thanks for the link Hops. Sounds sort of scary. I suspect any self-help concept can turn cult like if you let it.
I'm not a joiner of new agey stuff but I find the 4 questions helpful especially the 4th.
What is behind the person who drafted it doesn't alter the benefit it has for me.
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That's really helpful, GS. Thanks for that.
Reminds me I do think cafeteritarianism can be a great spiritual path.
Send me some focus, would you?
love,
Hops
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It's early and I am already struggling.
It is not surprisingly difficult to shed a lifetime of anxiety.
I want to be on the other side.
It takes work, constant, vigilant work.
I will get there. The other side is worth the effort.
I would so like to tell someone on the phone what I am going through and have them understand and care.
I am so fortunate to have people here who get it.
plodding through. The light is on the other side.
Today I drive a distance to my son's god-father's mother's funeral. It will be my full day. No chopping wood this morning.