Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival => Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board => Topic started by: Lupita on March 03, 2010, 06:07:56 PM
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The thing is that I do not know if I am being mistreated or my perceptions are twisted or I am too sensitive.
My bf M, in tango, he promised me not to dance chick to chick with other women. He did it last Monday in class. Why does he have this need to be hug or to hug other women?
He says that tango is tango, he did not do it ina month. He suddenly did it on Monday. He says that it is just a dance. He comes with me and goes with me. That I am the only one. But I cannot handle to see him in the arms of other women. it is too painful for me.
Our teacher on Mondays started the close embrace, too close to my taste, two weeks ago. he did not put his chcik, only the arms, this Monday he did. I was very disappointed and looked at him until the woman felt uncomfortable and took her face awasy from his. He was very mad with me later. But I say that he did not live to his promise. he said that it was automatic, that it was an accident.
I think he is going to do it anyway, and that he does not care that I do not like it.
I do not know if I am going to lose a good man because of being too much up tight, puritane, or I am being mistreated.
I hate tango. I do not want to get involved with anybody else in tha tango copmmunity and if we break up I will never dance tango again. It is too painful. any help??????
Lupita
I
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there are couples there that only dance with each other and couples that dance very close to many others, many of them are even married. I think that if you love someone you should only dance close with that only person.
That the kinestetic sensations of tango are good anough in a regular distance, not having to make a mamography to your partner dancing so close chick to chick.
But, he things that I am ridiculous.
I think I am being mistreated, but refuse to see reality, amn I wrong?
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or maybe because I am doing well in church and well at work, my son is healthy and on his way to a great future doing a PHD and I need to look for problems that I got invoved with this man who flirts like crazy?
If I get him to change, which will not happen, but anyway, he will be so unhappy without the flirting that he will hate me anyway.
What is wrong with me?
Why am I so needy?
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Lupita, you are not needy. You are human. Again, human. You have feelings and that is a good thing and obviously you care enough about this person that you have let your heart be exposed and now it's being hurt. However, your boyfriend dancing cheek to cheek in tango class is not a crime nor is it cheating. But the fact that he promised you something and broke that promise and also "knows" that it bothers you when he dances so tightly with others and does it anyway, leads me to believe that he has neglected your feelings in all this. It's not about being cheek to cheek or holding someone so tightly, it's about boundaries being crossed within your comfort zone and he doesn't care about your comfort zone, obviously.
(The way you described the "mammography" and "chick to chick" was too cute! Made me giggle) I didn't mean to giggle but I did. I don't want to belittle your sincerity here.
Men are so different than women, aren't they?
You may want to ask yourself if you feel really and truly threatened when you see him do this and why? He may never change how he sees this subject but you can change yourself and you can uphold your outlook as to who you really are as a woman, intelligent, beautiful, confident, entitled, worthy, loving, etc. In my opinion, you are worthy of respect and your dignity is first and foremost and leaving it up to someone else to take care of that for you is dangerous, because if that other person fails, then you are left with nothing to fall back on.
I hope that maybe you can explain to your boyfriend once more about your feelings about this and I hope he understands. If he has any respect for you, then he should respect your feelings. It goes hand in hand or should I say, "cheek to cheek."
I apologize if I overstepped the meter as to what you wanted for advice. I only have my opinion and that's all. I wish you the best with this and feel that you have more power over this than you give yourself credit for.
In my experience, overly flirtatious men were never happy with me or with themselves.
Bear
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Lupita,
How does he act other than when he is doing the tango? is he flirtatious with other people when you are not at dance? have you talked about having an exclusive relationship, and does he agree?
This is actually something pretty close to home...my kids are all dancers, one is professional. He began dancing in our little town with his girlfriend and they had plans to go pro together. But there is really no way to be serious about dance if you dont dance with other people, dance closely and, at least, ACT as though the other person is very appealing to you. In the long run, he was faced with the very real choice of choosing either his profession or his sweetheart, when she decided that she couldnt handle him dancing with others. He was prepared to give up dance, but she was too upset from the discussion. It broke all of our hearts to lose her.
If you and your bf are really interested in dance, you are asking him to not pursue the interest because it upsets you. That could end up causing problems in your relationship. Of course, I am looking at it the way most dancers look at it: the dance steps and positions are not personal, even if it looks that way. I think the real key is how he acts OFF the dance floor.
Love
CB
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Lupita, I think that although the others have a very GOOD point about how does he act when he's NOT dancing ... I also think that it is up to you to decide whether or not you can tolerate him dancing so closely with another woman. But I think that if it is too painful for you to see him do that, then your only choice is what YOU do from then on. You have told him you find it painful, he does it anyway.
To me, if he is respectful to you in all other ways, then the cheek to cheek dancing probably means nothing. However, you have a very painful background of being rejected. Maybe you are not ready to see your guy dance with another woman. That is perfectly acceptable and understandable. However, it is important that you realize that the only person you can change is YOU. You can either decide "I am going to tolerate this because I don't think it means anything important to our relationship," or you can decide, "I cannot tolerate his behavior." And that is all you get to decide. If you decide it is just too painful and that it probably IS a significant thing in your relationship, then you have the choice to ...
1) walk away
2) quit the dance class
3)quit the dance class and ask him to do the same
4) continue to watch him dance cheek to cheek with other women and be miserable about it
You always have choices. That is what I remind myself when I find myself in a terribly stressful situation. Most of the time I choose to ride out the painful situation and get through it, but it helps me tremendously to remind myself that I don't HAVE to ride it out, that I COULD walk away. It's like a safety valve for my stress.
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Hi Lupita,
Tango is acting. It's a kundalini kind of dance. It's got sexual energy...but in the big picture, it's a celebration of LIFE's sexual energy, not an individual's. It's about passion and drama -- but it's all theater. It's a
To me, your dilemma is like the spouse of an actor having to cope with the reality that his/her mate is going to be behaving with another person in an erotic way.
What's key is that the behavior is PUBLIC (even for actors). It's PLAYacting. Not an "affair". Not a rejection. They're concentrating on their dance. Sure, they might feel temporary hot things for each other, but they know it comes from the dance. Any sensations they feel are from the dance, not from romance.
If you could ask yourself:
--what would happen if I just did not take this personally?
--what would happen if I asked myself, can I take some pleasure in how manly and happy he feels when he tangos? Can I try out that thought, just privately? See how it goes?
--what would happen if I told him (quietly in his ear), after I watched your dance I wanted to XXX you?
--what would happen if you told him, I've really wrestled with myself about my insecurity and I've decided I'm tired of feeling this way. I want you to dance all you like, any way you like, and with anybody you like. (I think he'd probably think he'd just heard the woman of his dreams.) Add, of course:
--But if you ever extend that behavior off the dance floor, we're done. (And he'd stay awake.)
I'm not sure if I could do all the bold thinking I'm suggesting myself.
But somehow I think it might be freeing for you if you could.
Let us know...let us know.
love,
Hops
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CB had a brilliant point. I don't think you could get much better than that in this case. NOW, how about a pill to cure the self esteem of Daughters with NM's ?lol Ami
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Umm ... if anybody discovers that pill, don't forget to send me an e mail! I will be the first in line!
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LOL HOP ! x o x Ami
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Bear, CB, Heart, Hop, Ami,
Thank you so much for your time and your advices. In a way, all are telling me the same.
I ruined our week becasue of that. I went to practice with him late, I did not practice the rest of the week. I am about to stop going to class with him.
Today we have a Milonga, when tango dancers get together and dance ina studio school for a small fee.
Last Milonga he devoted 100 % of his time to me. of course I did the same to him.
Then friends get together and ask me to dance and he makes me dance just to have the opportunity to talk to ther girls. Then I feel the sensation that he is getting rid of me. But last night, he gave me the key to his house because he wants me to be able to go tohis house whenever I want to.
He is very loving when we are alone and when we are with "my" friends, church friends and piano friends. His friends are all dancers, and thge women are very aggressive.
So, you can imagine, I caome from a church environment in which men do nto touch other women, etc.
Any way, the thing is
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tonight i am going to a milonga with him and will watch his behavior. In this milonga he is very nice to me. It is in the school where he has been taking lessons from years and he has all his personal friends from there.
All the women are mad at me because they are acostume to dance with him and now he does not dance with them. They wait till I go to the bathroom and they go talk to him just like high shcool, or they ask the best dancer to ask me to dance so i am entertained and he is free. I am talking about the ladies. I stopped dancing with anybhody because I could not concentrate an anjoy because I was watching what he was doing.
I was taking personally. Now after all your advices, I start feeling different, but still, I want to see how I am going to feel today. After a tormewntous week with him that I was telling him how disrespected I felt because he put his chick on that woman with a black wig. The worst is taht the teacher started the close embrace just to damage me because she is mad because my BF M always danced with all her students and now he is dancing only with me and she really needs him to dance with her students. So, she neevr tought close embrace in class before, and now suddently that she knows that i do not like it she started it in class and we are in a several hour class every Monday and she is doing during all the hours the close embrace so I suffer in all the classes, and I have to pay for it but she does not charge him becuase she uses him as bait. They even pay just to dance with him.
Many
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They even ask him when is he coming to a dance with out me. He has not gone without me in one month. But, I do believe that it is a matter of time. Becasue he likes the attention and for some reason he needs the constant reassurance that other women give him.
he says that he does not ahve an will not have sex with anybody and will not do anything with anybody. In fact, I do belive that I am the prettiest lady in the bunch because they are fat and do not take care of them selves, I am the only one who exercises, walks six miles, play the piano at church, have an education and a profession, many of them do not even have a job, and he knows that he will not find a woman like me.
Still, I do not say that to make feel anybody here who does not have a job or who was not blessed by go with an education, please, do not take me wrong, i am just trying to talkl about some facts, if you think I am bewing arrogant please, let me know, i will npot do it again.
Still, that I do belive that I am a better catch than all those women, still, i feel mistreated, inferior, and humilliated. I do nto know if I should really ride that stors like I was told in one of the posts or to give up and leave classes. I already told him that I did not want to go with him next Monday and he told me that it would be my loss. I think that I am going to go next Monady and if he does it again, I have to take lessons in another place and let him have fun althought it is going to be very painful. I wish I did not feel like I feel. Just feel like a victim, like mistreated, like nobody loves me, like I am not the favorite of anybody, i want to be the favorite of someone, i want somebody to pamper me like I never was when I was a kid. I guess that meeting this man has made me go backwards in all the progress i had gotten in the past.
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Good luck to you Lupita.
I think you will make the best decision for yourself.
I hope you the best with this situation and so sorry that it doesn't seem fair.
All the best!!
Bear
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Well Bear, in one hand he fix me coffee at 6 am to take to work when I spend the night at his house, and with the other he puts his chick on this other owman. Wih one hand he fix a salad so i do not have to fix it 6 am for me to take to work when I stay there, and with the other he says he wants to dance with other women.
It feels like with one hand he wants to compensate me for the pain he casues me and with the other he slaps me in the face.
Or I feel he is slapping me in the face. I feel very sorry for my slef when I see other couples that are not bothered by anybody and they dance onloy with each other.
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Lupita,
I'm sorry you feel so sorry for yourself. That must be hard. What if you focused more on yourself rather than him? If you want to be pampered, treat YOURSELF to a pedicure. Cook yourself an amazing dinner - something you don't usually eat. Don't wait for someone to pamper you - pamper yourself!!!
Logy
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Lupita, You never come across as arrogant in your posts. It is 100% okay to talk about the good things you have going for you.
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My intuition is that your childhood issues are making you jealous and it is your issue--not him. Ami
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Ami, you might be right. I just do not know what to do.
Heart, thank you. you are so nice.
I do not know what to do!!!!!!!!!!
We did not go out last night. I stayed at his house and this morning we talked to his son 30 yo who is staying with him after one year working overseas.
It was nice. It is when other women are around and he starts with that itching flirting stopid need that he has to attract attention from other women. That is what makes me feel bad.
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Hey Lupe:
Nice to see you posting again, though you're struggling a bit.
I wish you could rise above the situation, and look down, without emotion.
Please try not to feel threatened.
If he's a manipulator, a bounder, a cad...... you won't be losing anything real if things end.
Just an idea about a person who didn't deserve your attention.
If it's just dancing, and nothing more......
I'm confident you'll be able to identify with that and move past it.
You are a great catch, Lupe.
Don't let this guy make you doubt that.
Mo2
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Dear Lupita
It IS really hard to know what is FOO(family of origin) stuff and what is present. For me, I have to have a relationship where I CAN say,"I am feeling really scared ,hurt, etc. I don't know if it is real or not but this is how I feel."
Then, the other person can share from his heart like'I just need to know that woman find me attractive and it has nothing to do with my love for you."
When that childlike wound can be heard and addressed, the angst may just go away.
Have you ever tried to communicate just like this.
BTW---was your facelift that bad? LOL---sorry to change the subject? By bad, I mean ==painful. Ami
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OK, he did it last night in a very subtle way.
We were walking in my regular walks on the beach with my walking club. Drunk spring break students came to us. He said he was 21 and a 41 women was chasing him. He aske our opinion. My bf M said, "take me where she is" all my friends laught. I said -"see"? He said, "what have you been telling your friends"? I said, " it is in your mind" It is deply planted in your mind, and I know you are not going to get that 41 year old woman, but it is in your mind"
I felt bad but not as bad as when I see putting his chick on another woman. He wants to feel the warmness of her body or her respiration, her breath? It kills me. I have told him. I was going to decide to try to detixify my self and try to desensitize and watch him doing it against my will to see if I can learn to be a tnago dancer.
I have seen many couples that are married and dance with different partners. It is part of the environment. But I have also seen couples that devote to each other 100% and very seldom dance with other partners and keep a descent distance. I think I should be happy if I get that, but the problem is that even when he is keeping his distance, i feel bad. So, that part I have to work on my self.