Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival => Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board => Topic started by: Overcomer on March 17, 2010, 07:35:34 AM
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Mom went with me to my last oncology appointment. She had to cancel her meeting (one of several committees she is on....I am sure they were happy to get rid of her, she bogs things down with her ineptness....)
THe surgeon came in and told me how major the surgery would be and how I may not make it off the table, etc. I couldn't hold back the tears.
Meanwhile she didn't shed a tear.
She seems to be trying but I just cannot get an empathetic vibe from her....
My brother and I are just so frustrated because she just doesn't seem to get it. She just will not show us unconditional love. No matter what.
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Oh MY GOD. I am so sorry, Kelly. Ami
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I mean, she is just so mad at us because we keep pointing out how part of the family camps at her doorstep and uses her. She cannot get it.
She compared her and my dad to my aunt and uncle.
My aunt hates work and her husband does not work and has no income.
She LOVED to work and my dad did not work but had a retirement from the Air Force.
Same? I think not. But she does.
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This is what I posted on Facebook....yes my mother has a FB account and can read it!
For so long I lost myself. I didn't get to be me. I was somebody's daughter or somebody's mother. Courtney told me I am so much more "cool" than I was when she was young. I told her I couldn't be "cool" when they were young, I had to be a parent.
But then I got to thinking about it. I couldn't let my kids trick or treat because what would the other parents think? I couldn't have a glass of wine because what would people think? I couldn't be myself because myself was not acceptable to those people who I allowed to run my life.
When my friends in my home town decided to throw me a benefit, I realized it. These people love me for me. They didn't know me as my parent's daughter. They didn't know me as my children's mother. They knew me back in the day when I was me. The real Kelly. The outgoing, talkative, funny, irreverant, life of the party, crazy, passionate, silly, outspoken girl. The tall girl they called Big Bird. The girl who drove a Pacer. The stupid girl who made oh so many mistakes but they loved me regardless of the bad decisions I made.
For years I felt like I was being held under water and unable to breath. I was only let up for air if I agreed to march to another person's drum.
So now I have cancer and it doesn't look so good. My only hope is a scientific breakthrough, a touch from God, or that the supplements I am taking work. I am taking a load of supplements. The newest thing I am going to try is to take four tablespoons of pureed asparagus twice a day!!
So what would I say to young people starting out? One thing for sure. Be yourself. Be the very best YOU you can be. Do not depend on other people. Strive to be self supporting at a young age. Do not wait for a hand out. Do it yourself. When you make a mistake, learn from it and move on.
Don't abuse drugs and alcohol. Don't eat things that are not good for you. Take time to exercise every single day. Don't live for the approval of people who are incapable of giving it to you. Don't allow people to define who you are. Don't stay in a relationship where you feel you need to walk on eggshells around the other person. Do not allow angry people in your life.
If you have to keep secrets from people then they are probably not the people you need to be around.
If you feel you cannot say the things that are on your mind around certain people than maybe you should not associate with those people.
Choose to be your authentic self. Choose to be the person that God made you to be, not the person that someone else wants you to be.
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Kelly - I am so sorry to read about what you are going through. You can't help but pray that in this terrible time of struggle that your mother could come out of her narcissism and be a loving, nurturing mother - in your time of need. That longing is so deep and profound, the very essence of what it is to be human.
My heart is with you, wishing I could lift the burden from you. Thank you for sharing your struggles here. It is a true gift that you would share these wounds and struggle that go to the core of who you are, who we all are. I am sending you me heartfelt love and hope and peace.
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Kelly,
It's very sad that your mother can't give you empathy when you are going through such a huge and fearful event. I hope it goes as smoothly as possible despite your mother.
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Check out the book " There are No Incurable Diseases" by Dr Richard Schultz. Ami
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Great FB entry!! Yes, surround yourself with people who can support you and love you with no interference.
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My friend suggested that book, Ami. Plus the incurables diet. Right now I am taking so many supplements that when it is time to eat, I am not hungry.
Funny. Here is an example of what my mom says. I tell her that a friend of mine had similar chemo to what I am going to have. I mentioned how thin that lady is. Mom said, "Well maybe you will get slim and trim through all this." And I think I said something sarcastic like, "Yeah, at least I will look good in the casket!"
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((((((((((((Kelly))))))))))))))
Wishing you a full recovery.
xoxo,
ann
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*I* did the Incurables program so I can help you. I did a 30 day juice fast. Ami
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Really? Tell me more!
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I'm so sorry for all of this! Ugh..talk about a textbook definition of a narcissist. You know your mom is cruel when your own friends act more like a mother than she does.
I wish you good luck and you will be in my prayers.
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You CAN heal anything with Dr Schultz cuz it is all God given natural ways the body can heal. I did not heal a major issue bit there are tons of people who did written about in there. Ami
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(((((((((((((((((Kelly))))))))))))))))))
Unfortuantely, I think the only use she will get out of your illness is in telling others about it to garner sympathy for herself. I hope you will really consider cutting her out of your life as much as possible so that you can focus on healing and loving yourself. You do not need any distractions right now.
Love, Beth
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The NM is such a freaking curse! Ami
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((((((((((Kelly)))))))))))))
As much as you need love right now, I encourage you to reach out to the community you live in and find groups of people who DO know how to give love and support...take in all the mothering you can get from ANYONE with a loving heart and kind touch.
Even strangers can bring you comfort. Open to love itself, rather than just to her as the one who holds back love.
She can't help it. She is who she is. And she doesn't "own" love. There are other sources.
You need to find others who are who THEY are, including being warm and kind and loving to you.
That's what to reach out for as much as you can. Call around and ask for visits. Most churches have pastoral programs. If you don't want to discuss religion then say so. You can just ask for comforting visits, people who know how to be PRESENT, just BE, with people facing cancer and all you're facing.
You need human comforters. And you deserve them.
love,
Hops
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Thank you for all your responses.
Thankfully I have so much emotional support. I am truly loved by so many. I really don't need my mom. I just long for her to wake up and know what it is to be a good mother. That's it. Plain and simple.
I was thinking about writing up a will. In it I would give my h things and my children things and then I would say, "And to my mother I give my collection of books on Narcissism but only if she promises to read them."
Maybe I could have the reading of the will be public or something like that. Touche!
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(((((((Overcomer))))))))
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You will never be able to make your mother realize what she is like. She will always twist it. So I would not waste time on her in life or afterwards.
When do you do your surgery? You know, the doctors have to tell you there is a chance that it could go badly, but that is a very slim chance. Any operation carries a chance for problems. But if they feel you are a candidate for surgery, that is good news. It means they have hope that they can control the disease.
Keep positive and try to avoid your mother - in thoughts and in person.
Love, Beth
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I agree with Beth. Keep your focus on your own health and healing. You certainly deserve the sympathy and concern of your mother but N's just don't do that. Sometimes we get the subconscious notion that if we get sick enough they will "see". That is not a healing attitude. Find a good book to read on healing. Chopra has some some excellent ones. Put your faith in you and universe.
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You know, the doctors have to tell you there is a chance that it could go badly, but that is a very slim chance. Any operation carries a chance for problems. But if they feel you are a candidate for surgery, that is good news.
Absolutely. Even when you have cosmetic surgery, they have to warn you that you might not survive. There are risks inherent with general anesthesia, and they're required to tell you that. But Beth is right. They would not be performing surgery if there wasn't hope for recovery.
I've posted about this elsewhere, but just want you to know that I understand what you're goping through with your NM, as I have a similar situation going on right now with my family. My 48-year-old sister has been battling breast cancer for several years. My NM also has cancer, and is LIVID that her daughter had the audacity to get cancer and take attention away from her. I've not been able to learn what my sister's prognosis is because S won't return my calls or emails on NMs orders. I've called my father, and he shrugs it off and says "For Pete's sake, quit worrying about your sister. She's fine. You should be worried about your MOTHER." It's all about HER.
I managed to contact a cousin, who talked to his mother (NMs sister), and he (cousin) told me that my sister was having serious complications, and that both NM and F were mistreating her because her cancer was usurping my mother's. NM is 75 years old, and lived the life of Riley. For 55 years my father has doted on her and catered to her every whim. My sister has so much left to live for. She has yet to marry. I'm REALLY worried that she won't make it, not because the cancer is incurable, but because of the toxic situation that my parents have placed her in.
I SO agree with the others that you need to stay as far away from your M as possible. I know how badly you want her to change. I have that same dream - that one day she'll realize how wrong she was, and apologize, and be the mother that she should have been for 50 years. But that isn't going to happen. These people can't change. They go to their graves insisting that they were right, and we were flawed. Stress is a terrible, deadly thing. You can beat this cancer, but you're going to need love and support to get there. Don't let your NM poison you. You CAN beat this Kelly. You have friends, and people who love you. Sadly, your mother isn't one of those people.
Maybe this will put a grin on your face. I had a will drawn up years ago, just as a precaution. If I was killed in a plane crash, I didn't want NM swooping in and taking my money. We left all of our money to charity, and personal posessions to family members. (You fill out a form specifying what items should go to whom). I left all of my valuable possessions to my sister. I left ONE item to my mother: my copy of "Toxic Parents."