Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival => Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board => Topic started by: Ales2 on April 02, 2010, 02:27:31 AM
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Hey - obviously as DONMs, Ns are people we want to avoid since we have an almost magnetic attraction to this personality type and it replays old patterns. Does anyone have any information on other personality types that we DONMs might attract and should avoid? I'm also trying to change my attraction patterns and looking at people I previously ignored or avoided to see if there are types of people that are out of my comfort zone and thus, might be healthier relationships (as bosses, friends and romantic partners). This is a subject that I am delving into and welcome any thoughts on this. Thanks!
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I think its just the opposite Ales. We probably can't avoid them easily because at some level we look for them and have developed an avoidance of those who aren't. We may need to look for recommendations of really nice people that normally we wouldn't be interested in and may initially find it hard to like. They won't be very exciting.
I know that sounds weird but many of the books I've read suggest that we find a high degree of initial "understanding" and even "mock compassion" when meeting an N. They intuitively sense us as prey having captured many of our kind and instinctively say the right things. We feel power via association with these predators which is what we were taught. "You need me to take care of you because you are too weak, stupic etc. to do it." Any of these things that we subconsciously still believe will make the N feel attractive. They cater to every unchallenged comfort zone we have. I think we almost need to retrain our wants by learning what a good person acts like.
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Ales,
I havent had a lot of luck avoiding personality disordered people (and another one that is a real tough one: borderlines). For a number of reasons, they arent avoidable. N's can be totally charming when they are interviewing you for a job. (and very charming when you are interviewing them). People who have good boundaries in place are probably not N's, but they may not be as initially attractive--to anyone, not just co-N's.
I have had a lot more luck remembering that there are concentric circles to relationships. If you picture yourself as the center of a circle with concentric circles around the centerpoint, and that someone you have just met--N or non-N--belongs in the outer circle. No one, N or non-N, gets moved to a closer circle until there is a reason to. And you go ahead and interact with them in a friendly normal way--always kinda aware of where they are in the circle.
Pay attention to how they relate to you and to other people (their family, friends, co-workers, employees, salespeople), how they react to situations (car accidents, illnesses, parties, big messes, projects, boredom). You dont write people off, or avoid them based on what you see, you simply make your decisions about whether they get any closer to you personally based on what you see.
I also give myself a lot of credit for being able to recover from being hurt. If I know that life comes with bumps and bruises, and I know that I am strong and resilient enough to not be decimated by them, then I can enjoy people and risk being wrong about them (for awhile). Its disappointing when they arent what I thought, or hoped. But I will recover.
CB
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I kept getting triggered, as people with dos (disorder of self), dont have continuity, ie they probably really believe themselves when they're being seductive, thats why they're so convincing, they actually mean it at the time.
Roughly the induction is:
Borderline: you find yourelf taking care of them
Schizoid: an intense encounter folliowed by disappearance - tantalizing, disappointing
N.: well, as you know, find yourself admiring/ in the audience/ feeling less than/ being charmed, then devalued and dumped, and etc.
For me, understanding the 3 fundamental character types as described by JFMasterson has been essential