Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival => Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board => Topic started by: nolongeraslave on April 07, 2010, 11:07:15 AM
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I hope my mom follows through on this, BUT there's a few problems.
I think I told some of you that my parents have me in some financial traps. I spent 20 min.yesterday arguing with the Sprint lady to take my phone off of the family plan and make my own account. She said she can't do this, without my step-dad's PERMISSION. My step-dad called me and refused. He said "Why do you want to spend 50 dollars on your own cell phone, when it's only an extra 10 on the family plan?" My friend said I could just get another cell phone though.
After my mom said on the phone, "Then, don't talk to me anymore, but I will continue paying some of your loans." NO! My mom is evil and manipulative. She will continue to pay for my loans, but use it against me. I just sent in some paperwork to transfer the loans to my house and not hers. If I'm going to go no contact, I have to completely cut off ALL financial ties with them. NM will use this against me one day. She will tell everyone, "I'm helping her so much, and she's so ungrateful!"
As for my car, my step-dad just sent in the paperwork to get my name on it. I want to be able to trade in this freaking car and get my own. It sucks, because they're the primary titleholder, which leaves me feeling helpless. I can't do anything without their signed permission. When my mom bought this car as "a gift for me," I knew she had some tricks up her sleeve (She was using this gift of hers to keep me dependent and helpless). If I had my old car (which was in my name), escaping from her would have been so much easier. :(
I told my step-dad that I want my OWN stuff, so mom won't use this to control me. He said "No, she won't control you." Bullshit. It makes me mad that I'm the only one who gets NPD.
Any advice? I'm getting very anxious about money. I make $2,000 a month after taxes. $775 is rent, and the rest goes to other bills.
I thought about getting a second job, but all of my co-workers think that it's not going to be easy. My primary job is already ranked high on the stress scale, but the money isn't enough.
I'm so desperate to get away from my evil parents. After this weekend's visit, I just won't be able to spend time with these people anymore.
I'm even looking into the sex industry. Having a history of sexual abuse, I guess I'm able to "numb" myself in these situations and it doesn't look too intimidating. A lot of abused people use the sex industry to escape from their families. It's fast cash anyway in this economy.
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Sweetie
Hang on to your dignity!
Once that goes--you go down fast.
x o x Ami
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Don't do anything you'll regret. Take some time to think this out. There IS a way out.
My parents did the same thing with money. They tried for a VERY long time to keep a hold on me with money. When I was in high school, I had money that I had saved from my job, and a few thousand dollars that I had won in a contest. NM insisted that this money be placed in a joint account (not a trust), so that for the rest of my life, I HAD to have their permission to access it. I left home at 18, and lived on the streets until I got a minimum wage job and a roach infested apartment. All this time, I had a savings account, MY OWN MONEY, that they would not allow me access to.
It took a long time, but I did break free. I did live in poverty for several years, but it was worth it. There ARE other things you can do to supplement your income. You could try getting a second job at Walmart or other entry-level night job. Or, try making money online. I once bought a vinyl decal plotter and made some decent money selling custom decals on eBay. I gave that up (just got burned out), but now do other things that bring in spare change. I'm a graphic designer, so sell items on a POD site (Zazzle). If you're at all creative, you can set up a shop there and make some T-shirts, bumper stickers, whatever (it's free of charge). You CAN make money at it.
Also, think about skills you have that can be developed from home. Web designing? Consulting? I used to pick up extra money by proofreading and editing college papers. I'd advertise on Craig's List, and do it all via email. I have an MBA with honors, so was able to get quite a bit of work doing that. There are MANY things that you can do to earn extra money. Put your thinking cap on. You have a very strong desire to break free from their hold, and where there's a will, there's a way. You can do it!
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All of those ads on craigslist are talking to me, "Come on..we will save you! Just do this and we'll give you a thousand dollars."
Be careful. If it sounds too good to be true, it probably is. There are predators on Craig's List. Just be careful. Don't let your emotional state cloud your judgment.
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Hi nolonger,
I haven't seen NM in 15 years and she still thinks she pays stuff for me. It's pure manipulation. Don't get sucked into it.
They may pay for some bills but I am sure - knowing from my own NM - that they have put you in this position, because like that they control you.
There isn't anything you wouldn't be able to handle on your own financially, but I agree that you need to have some plan and some sort of security. I am a person of radical decisions, but trust, althought I haven't fully regretted most, there has been a couple of times that I wish I was more patient.
Maybe plan for a way out. You don't need to sell yourself short when it comes to business. Maybe you could talk to the bank and lower your monthly outings? Just a thought.
It's hard with money I know, but don't believe not even for a second that you can't make it on your own. You just need some calm and programming.
You'll be fine.
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Something I have mentioned in the past on how they can manipulate you that you need them for money. I am 15 years NC. Last August I came back to Greece after 10 years. NM found out that I was looking for work. First she was sending me emails saying 'if you found a job good luck, if not come back to your 'loving' family'. A couple of days later she sent me another email saying 'I have deposited 5000 euros in an account for you to go collect'. Nolonger, I was so broke that I was really tempted to take the money. Instead a friend sent me twice 50 pounds from London to go by for two weeks, then I found a job.
Keep your dignity. You can do it. There's no doubt about it.
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I haven't seen NM in 15 years and she still thinks she pays stuff for me. It's pure manipulation. Don't get sucked into it.
They don't stop trying. Even after becoming fully self-sufficient, they still try to use money against me. Sometimes it's small things. My father bought me a bunch of magazine subscriptions as a Christmas gift some years back, on some special deal he got from the office. The renewal bills went to him, so he was still able to maintain some control. Just this year, after deciding to go NC with my F as well as my M, I called every one of those magazines, told them that my father was deceased, and had all of the renewals transferred to my name. Sounds silly, just magazines, but it was still control. He put the name "Katie" on the subscriptions, a childhood nickname that I always hated. Pure control. We will NOT let you grow up and be independent.
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Please, please, PLEASE do NOT go into the sex industry! That is the most self-destructive way to go! PLEASE DO NOT DO THAT!
Bones
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ditto Bones.
You're breaking my heart, NLAS....
You need to go talk to some old very loving person.
Go find one.
Please?
love,
Hops
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No Longer, hope you're thinking differently now.
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Nolongeraslave, Working in the sex industry can really set you back as far as contacts. You might be known to people in town for this and not be respected. You deserve respect, and once you surround yourself with people who respect, it mirrors back to you. Don't let someone invade your personal space to survive.
Check out the local YWCA, tell them you are in an emotionally and finacially abusive situation and think your only option is to do sex work. They will understand and perhaps refer you to a place to get on your feet. There ARE people who care out there, even if they are strangers.
(((((((nolongeraslave))))))))
You deserve respect!!!!!!! You are worth every ounce of time. There is a community that will find joy in respecting you.
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The issue of the sex industry pushes a LOT of sensitive buttons for me because the NWomb-Donor tried her DAMNEST to FORCE me into the sex industry just so she could PROVE I WAS A WHORE!!!! The NB*tch NEVER got the satisfaction! Don't let the NWomb-Donor do the same to you!
Bones
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Hello everybody,
Yes, I have changed since this thread was made. I wasn't being "me", but I didn't realize at that time. It's one of those days where you feel so low that you can't think
Mom didn't follow through, as she texted me and kept calling me since I didn't answer her texts. She was really nice this morning (predictable). I promised my cousins that I would see them this summer overseas, and I don't want to break that promise. The plan was that my mom would come with me, since she knows the language and her way around.
For for some odd reason, going back into "normalcy" relieved my anxiety. I couldn't believe just how SCARY going no-contact was. When I tried to work out my student loans, I was pissed that SallieMae wasn't cooperating with my application for lowering my monthly payment. It's like these loan companies try to make things as difficult as possible for you. When my mom was being nice to me this morning, I thought "Okay..she can go back to helping me out with my loans. I don't have to worry about wasting my energy fighting with Sallie Mae."
Seriously, SallieMae is another narcissistic c*nt. Pardon my french.
I do feel a lot better overall. At work, we went to a meeting where there was a motivational speaker named Harvey Allston. He made a lot of sense and inspired me on how to deal with the hurdles that life throws you. I will be applying for other jobs that pay more than my current job, but I don't know if I will get it.
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Would love to hear some of the most pertinent points that your speaker Harvey Allston made.....?
Seriously, SallieMae is another narcissistic c*nt. Pardon my french.
I have a theory that basically the capitalist ethos, at least when not tempered by such things as Stephen Covey, is in fact a Narcissistic principle. Its based on ever increasing profit, and this has no regard for humans or environment, and is ever devouring, and ever in competition.
There is ethical business, which I guess would represent ...... perhaps the healed, or healthy real self? ( ie, has responsibility, takes into account prodcers, and consumers and the quality of the product, a few do exist.
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NLAS....
Next time you feel helpless or trapped, remember that if you go into the sex industry, you are living out your Nmother's valuations of you (as she believes it, from her ignorance):
--your body
--your sexuality
--your marriageability
--your youth as related to your marketability for catching a man
Those are values she measures you by. So if you gio into sex work, you'd be making that distortion real.
The anxiety of NC may be overwhelming. Are you going to work with LC?
love
Hops
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What would be considered LC? I only talk to her once a week on the phone (she's the one that calls, not me) and visit the family just few times a year. Maybe I can get down to talking her to just a few times a month.
I have noticed that the thought of the sex industry comes when I feel really down and feel like there's no hope. It's something "familiar" too for abuse survivors, which is something Shelly Lubben mentions in her work. Re-creating your home environment with the false pretense of glamour, money and being in control.
I don't judge the people who do go into that industry though. They're people like anyone else, so it's BS if society disrespects them.
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Maybe you could experiment with YOU setting the time for a call?
You could screen your calls and not answer when she calls.
Decide, consciously, when you feel up to talking to her, and maybe...twice a month for a while.
Make sure you're well rested, feeling centered and solid (even meditate on self-respect and boundaries for 10 mnutes).
Decide before the call how long you wish to spend on the phone and literally set a kitchen timer before you dial. Make a private promise to yourself that no matter WHAT, you will end the call within 30 seconds after it goes off. It does not matter who is saying what. You are controlling the time of the call, the beginning of the call, AND the end.
Then call her.
Tell her your time limit at the very beginning.
"Mom, I can talk for ten minutes now."
When your timer goes off, keep your private promise.
It's this...controlling it yourself. Taking control. Not reacting to her, but proactively deciding on the LC that will work for you.
Expect it to be awkward and imperfect. You are training her to experience boundaries you set.
More importantly, you are training YOURSELF.
(And be calm, and adult, and do not talk about personal subjects. If she tries, change the subject. Put the phone down for 10 seconds and go get water. Pick it up again. Use a headset. Do something you find pleasurable so you can just say "um-hum" a lot. Trim and water your houseplants. Do some exercises.
When she goes after personal subjects change the subject. Interrupt without emotion and just keep changing the subject.)
It's going to be awkward and imperfect. Don't worry about it. Keep doing it.
That's LC, or some LC ideas to work with.
love,
Hops
PS--I don't judge sex workers either. Not at all. But I think it hurts women and pulls them down into what this culture thinks of women. I'd much rather see a smart wonderful young woman define herself in a different way. Wouldn't you?