Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival => Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board => Topic started by: Ales2 on May 28, 2010, 02:31:54 PM
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last month, my Nm accused me of falsely stealing some of her paperwork relating to my Dad's death. This month, I saw her stalking me in two places, one she admitted to, one she did not. She also now tells me that she is taking classes to get certified in elder abuse so she can get a job. (she's 74 and has not worked since i was born in 1967). uh-huh. The more I pull away, the crazier the stories and antics get.
Please wish me luck, I have a job interview on tuesday and i'd very much like to get the job so I can move on with my life and go completely NC with her. (In case you missed a previous post, I'm laid off and my inheritance was doled out monthly, making some contact with her necessary- when I get a job, I will cease any contact, regardless of the inheritance)
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She also now tells me that she is taking classes to get certified in elder abuse so she can get a job.
She probably thinks that means someone will pay her to abuse people. She sounds well qualified in the abuse department so the certifcation should be a breeze. :)
Good luck on the NC.
mud
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Oh, Ales!!! Here's to you on Tuesday. And to NC.
It's absolutely hysterical that someone who hasn't been in the workplace for 40 years thinks a "certification" will provide them with gainful employment. AND, uh, why does she feel the need to do that?????
Mud, you are so funny!
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Good luck Ales. Going NC was the best thing I ever did, although she did up the hassle factor for a long time after it happened. If that happens, write everything down, keep anything she sends you and tape phone messages - if it gets to the point you need an injunction you will need evidence of eveything that has happened.
Perhaps your mum is taking these classes so she can now start telling people that she is a victim of elder abuse? My mum is an avid supporter of the NSPCC and Barnardos, both charities for abused children, and she buys cards and stationary from them which she used to send to my son. This is her way of saying "Look! iI support abused children and your son is one of them!" The fact that her husband had sex with her children doesn't bother her in the slightest, nor does the fact that, from a family of six, only one off spring still talks to her. That's an N for you!
Good luck with it. Stay strong - don't let the old habits drag you down! xxx
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last month, my Nm accused me of falsely stealing some of her paperwork relating to my Dad's death. This month, I saw her stalking me in two places, one she admitted to, one she did not. She also now tells me that she is taking classes to get certified in elder abuse so she can get a job. (she's 74 and has not worked since i was born in 1967). uh-huh. The more I pull away, the crazier the stories and antics get.
Please wish me luck, I have a job interview on tuesday and i'd very much like to get the job so I can move on with my life and go completely NC with her. (In case you missed a previous post, I'm laid off and my inheritance was doled out monthly, making some contact with her necessary- when I get a job, I will cease any contact, regardless of the inheritance)
(((((((((((((((((((((((Ales2))))))))))))))))))))))))))
Bones
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Mud - yes very funny! An online definition says that silent treatment by family members is a form of elder abuse (but I think thats only true in combination with other tactics) ...
Logy - she claims she has to go back to work for financial reasons - which is absolutely not true - its just a guilt and manipulation tactic to make us kids feel bad
Two - you are right on - she claims that my brother and I are taking advantage of her... nothing could be further from the truth. I'm sure she'll find a way to use it someday. Her recent antics have really made it clear that she is very ill and unbalanced and certainly I will be avoiding her ASAP.
Bones - thanks for the hug!
I did a little prep work on getting the job today. I'm prepared and I feel good about it. If its offered I will be taking it and excelling at it!
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I've got my FINGERS CROSSED for you! You can do it! Whatever "it" turns out to be.
Love,
Biddy
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Mud - yes very funny! An online definition says that silent treatment by family members is a form of elder abuse (but I think thats only true in combination with other tactics) ...
Logy - she claims she has to go back to work for financial reasons - which is absolutely not true - its just a guilt and manipulation tactic to make us kids feel bad
Two - you are right on - she claims that my brother and I are taking advantage of her... nothing could be further from the truth. I'm sure she'll find a way to use it someday. Her recent antics have really made it clear that she is very ill and unbalanced and certainly I will be avoiding her ASAP.
Bones - thanks for the hug!
I did a little prep work on getting the job today. I'm prepared and I feel good about it. If its offered I will be taking it and excelling at it!
You're welcome, ((((((((((((Ales2))))))))))))))))
Bones
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Going NC was the best thing I ever did, although she did up the hassle factor for a long time after it happened
Good luck to you, Ales! I have to echo what Twoapenny said here. For me, NC was absolutely the best thing I ever did, but she did ratchet up her N crap big time after I did it. Before I went NC, there were many periods where I was under the "silent treatment," or just generally ignored, but as soon as I ignored HER, she became ten times the N that she had been before. That said, I'd do it again in a heartbeat. I do keep the letters that she sends to show to my T, or maybe in future to show to disbelieving relatives. A few are unopened, on my T's advice, but I do keep them all. If for no other reason, just to document it for myself, so I know that she's the crazy one, not me. If your NM does turn up the hassle factor, hang in there. It WILL get better.
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Just Kathy - just read your post here after I responded to yours...sorry we crossed posts! I appreciate your kind words and support alot! Thanks!
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You're welcome! Good luck! :)
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Update - yesterday in the mail my Nm sent me a certification from the elder abuse class she took. I want to send it back to her with a note that says" I'm returning this. I dont need your paperwork. Please keep it in a safe place. " I don't want to be passive and ignore it - but at the same time I dont want to incite a phone war or argument. This really bothers me - I dont know why she took this class - to me its like shes trying to threaten me and I am really bothered by it.
She also includes a post it that says she will be in my city on 6/14. I wont answer that at all - I dont want her to visit me - she'll just show up at my apartment. I've told her before that there are no unannounced visits - so she tells me in a sticky note to play a game and claim its not "unnannounced". Its still the same, she's uninvited and showing up is an intrusion and a violation of my boundaries when I have asked her not to.
Any advice for me about the note or the visit?
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I went through something similar when my NM said she was dying. She sent me a box of cheap costume jewelry with a note saying that I was her favorite daughter, and that she wanted me to have her beloved jewels. She then turned around and removed me from the will, leaving everything to the GC. A year later, she's still not dead. I want SO badly to send the crap back with a note saying, "Well, since it looks like you aren't dying after all, you might want this stuff."
BUT, no matter hard the temptation, returning the things they send plays right into their hands. She sent you that certificate to push your buttons and get a reaction out of you. Don't give her what she wants. I would just ignore it. If you talk to her, don't even mention that you got it. If she asks, tell her you got it but don't comment on it. She's trying to engage you. Don't play her game.
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Hi Kathy - thanks so much - I wondered what to say if at all. You're right she's trying to engage me, so I will ignore it. I guess my perspective was that I have been very passive about these antics before and wanted to change that dynamic, but you are right, avoidance might be more beneficial.
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"the more I pull away the crazier the antics and stories get."
I know this very well! Just recently a friend called me and asked me if I had a baby 3 months ago, she heard I had another baby from someone else on my hometown.... Anyways, my mother is telling everyone I had another baby..... Very strange. Your statement about antics reminded me of this.
All the best in your quest for financial independance!! If you have survived a NM up till now, you can do anything you want:)
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Thanks swimmer - I shortened yorur little saying and posted it on my Vision Board. It now reads - Survived NM- ANYTHING is possible! Thanks so much for that! I think its the overcomers mantra - feeling they've survived the most difficult situations they draw on that strength knowing they will prevail. :)
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The latest is that I did not get the job. Sad, really wanted it. Another one will not come along until this time next year, but without any additional experience, I won't be able to apply for it.
I also got a call from my T this week. Its been a month since I walked out and canceled my last appointment. He expressed his concern for and suggested I call him about coming in. When I left, I told him I felt I was not making any progress and had given up working on myself. I don't want to go back to therapy but there is also this nagging negative feeling I get and I'm really not sure what it is.
Is it because I still have things to work through? I still have so much pessimism he is not aware of. I'm avoiding something but don't know what it is. Or, is this feeling just my way of avoiding the work to move on? I just don't know what it is. I can never trust my own feelings.
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This morning I wake up with a clearer idea of the problem. I think there is still alot of the wounded child I have to work through - I can tell because when I get depressed now, my productivity goes right out the window and I cant get anything done because I feel everything I do is futile. I have been depressed before, but could at least keep working. It takes more positivity and energy to look for a job and a boyfriend than just to be participating.
When I go to T its all about the wounded child crap that still haunts me. Not sure I can keep dealing with it, but probably have to to move on.
thanks for reading.
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So, I called my T today. He called on Monday and wanted me to come back to T, but I don't want to.
I called and left a message something like "I got your message, thanks for your concern. I have not called back because I dont know what to say. I'm just looking for a job right now. Thanks again for your concern." Then I hung up. I feel stupid of course. Part of me wanted to say I feel hopeless and therapy feels pointless. But I really only wanted to return his call without giving much information.
Anyway, he's really the only person who knows how I am feeling these days and that I can be honest with, so in that sense its a loss for sure, but I was not making any progress with him so I have to focus my energies on other things.
thanks for reading.
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Things are shifting. My Nm is now not returning my calls at all. ( I called once on the anniversary of my Dad's passing 6/26/00 and once requesting we talk at end of month re: inheritance crap). A good thing actually. What is happening is that as I am respecting myself and focusing solely on my needs, she is feeling abandoned and is avoiding me as punishment. Until the financial issue is cleared up soon I am LC, I've never declared NC. However if this continues, NC might end up being a mutual decision or a response to my newfound independence. I'm thinking that this might be easier for me - so we will see.
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LC or NC, sounds like you are in a process which is moving forward for you and that is most important.
NC happened to me by default, I just burned out on giving her attention.
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Good Luck!
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Ales: you sound a little better. I'm sorry you did not get the job. It's tough out there. I know this and it's not easy for a lot of people. I started job hunting in early January of this year. I applied to so many jobs and was feeling like crap. I even gave my resume to places that I thought would hire me for sure. Not. They never even called me. One job poster called me and after talking on the phone they said they would call me back and they never did. I was so dissappointed. I did call them but got the run around--I got the message. I did get a job but not until late May when I was burnt out of looking.
There is a reason for everything and I know thought sounds cliche' but I believe in it at times when you aren't getting what you want and fate takes control.
As for you going NC, good idea at some point. LC is good too but NC...better. (ha! I need to take my own advice!)
JustKathy wrote:
I want SO badly to send the crap back with a note saying, "Well, since it looks like you aren't dying after all, you might want this stuff."
Oh pleeeeze do this!! I laughed so hard when I read this, it's just so great. I know doing this will actually be worse for you in the long run but wouldn't it be great just to do it for the record??
I'm starting to do things "just for the record" and I think that's why I kicked my NM's arse out on the lawn.
Cheers to you Ales2.
Bear
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The latest is that I just checked one of my accounts, so she (or her accountant - dont know which) now deposits money without any prompting (a phone call) from me. So, I dont even have to call to ask anymore. Whew! This is a surprise and a drastic improvement. (Basically, I think she got the message that those false accusations mean I will no longer speak to her. I took her Nsupply from her, I guess). I am concerned about a potential backlash. This might be the calm before the storm. I hope this is it or close, I am not sure how I would be able to cope with any kind of storm.